Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Computer Wars ❯ Computer Wars Episode 5: Return of the WC ( Chapter 5 )

Title: GW Computer Wars Episode 5: Return of the WC

Author: Sorceress Fantasia

Pairings: Implied 5+S, 5+M, 13+5, 6+5, 1x2, 3x4

Warnings: Humor, OCs, AU (In fact, this takes place in our world)

Disclaimer: The people who own GW has the money to build an entire fleet of Leos and Virgos. Since I currently own only a book bag and some worksheets that are due really soon, that can't be me. Yeah, so I don't own GW. Star Wars, the Dummy series, the Idiot's series, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon movie and Indiana Jones do not belong to me either.

Notes: This struck me in a moment of insanity, so expect it to be stupid. This is what might happen if the GW guys manufactured their own personal computers and sold them.

Special thanks: Zalia Chimera (for the '101 curses to use on annoying Americans' and the 'Sword fighting for Dummies' ideas), Gwynn (for the swords idea), SS. (for the Trieze connection) and Tara (for the 'justice on the keyboard' and 'Martial arts' idea). Thanks again to Tara for pointing out a really dumb error my eyes failed to see. ^^;;

Deana eyed the room with trepidation. If it weren't for the fact that that idiot of a brother and his posse had taken their house 'hostage', she wouldn't have to be here. She could have been happily using her DC for her school project. But no~! Ian just *had* to bring both Owen and Irvine to their house and create such a ruckus she couldn't concentrate on her work.

Which led to her being in her friend's house.

She sighed. Not that getting into Timothy's room was bad, though. Deana had long wanted to see how the school's top student's room looked like. To her utter disappointment, it was a fairly normal room, with some posters of the popular anime series 'Gundam Wing'.

Ah well. At least there was still the infamous (if not scary) Wufei Computer.

Timothy swung open his door, and made a beeline for his computer. He stopped right in front of it, and put his hands together like he was praying, and bowed. He then flicked on the switch.

Deana was definitely wide-eyed as she asked, "Tim, what was that for?"

"A ritual, so I don't incur the wrath of Sally 5.6."

"And Sally 5.6 is?"

"The operating system. It used to be Meiran 5.0, and then it broke down. When I got it back from repairs, Meiran 5.0 just couldn't be reinstalled for reasons I still don't understand, and someone recommended me Sally 5.6. It's supposed to be better since it can be reinstalled again and again, and it just generally kicks ass. " Timothy explained absently, eyes glued onto his screen. "The repair guy told me that the reason why it broke down is because I didn't perform a ritual. So I'm carrying the ritual over to Sally 5.6."

"Oh." Deana looked positively bewildered.

The computer finally loaded up, and the wallpaper left her rather mystified again. It featured a picture of a red and blue robot standing on an altar, with joss sticks, a roast pig and chicken offered as sacrifices. "What is this?" She pointed to the machine.

"Nataku." Timothy answered, seemingly shocked to know that she didn't know what it was. "It signifies… *justice*." He placed a heavy emphasize on the last word, like he was awed by the sheer sound of it.

She decided not to ask anymore. It was a good idea, actually. Timothy, apart from having a great passion for the academics and all other things related to books, was notorious for his love for ranting. Once he got into the mood, he could go non-stop for hours. Deana had once witnessed his prowess in school, when he had ranted on the injustice of having to be lab partners with a certain chestnut haired guy.

Luckily, that guy had a good sense of humour and didn't take it badly… but revenge was the name of the game, and he was just a little too playful. That rant plus the personality of that chestnut haired guy marked the legendary start of a prank-fight between the two. The repairman who told Timothy to perform the ritual was probably bribed. Or maybe Timothy was just delusional. Crazy people had that tendency.

"Justice… that's what makes my precious so special."

She blinked. "Precious?"

"My computer is such a precious little thing, isn't it?"

She sweatdropped. "I thought it's the WC."

"Yeah, that's the official name. But it sounds so crude."

"Oh, you mean it sounds like a water closet slash toilet? Or because it's been dubbed 'Weekly Constipation' by WC haters? I think both works well." Deana said, hoping that she looked like a doe batting her eyes, and not like a face that looked like it needed some bashing in.

"Don't be silly. Precious is a much better name." He said as he stood up. "Deana, I have to go now to get something from the nearby grocery store for my mum. Damn near forgot about it. You start on the project first."

"Okay." She was hesitant, but it was a good opportunity to explore the computer. That thought alone calmed her, and she tried to grab the mouse, 'tried' being the operative word here. "Tim, where's the mouse?"

"Technically speaking, there isn't any. The WC doesn't come with a mouse. It comes with a mousetrap. Users have to buy their own cheese. I quote the instructional manual, 'Catch your own mouse, weakling!'"

What was the deal about the creators of some computers that went so far as to take a mouse so literally? It was so cheesy she had to roll her eyes. "So what now?"

"Use the touch-pad on the keyboard. It's that black patch with two buttons [1]? That's the equivalent for a mouse. Guide the arrow with your finger." He suggested, then fled down the stairs with a jacket and his wallet.

Deana shrugged. It was better this way. And now for some major exploring... She could almost hear the Indiana Jones theme song playing in the room. That is, until a loud sound blasted out of the sound blasters and she nearly fell over in the chair. However, she did delete something from the screen.

"Onna! Get away from me! Onna! Get away from me! Onna! Get away from me! Onna! Get away from me! Onna! Get away from me!"

Before she knew it, Timothy had returned and he quickly put his fingers on the keyboard. The sound ceased immediately.

"What was that!?"

He had the decency to blush. "I'm sorry, Deana. I forgot about this… strange habit of Precious since I'm the only one using it. The WC puts the sound file 'Onna! Get away from me!' on auto repeat and full blast when it senses a female trying to use it. But don't worry since it's easily countered. Just turn off the blasters." And he did so. "The WC will use the internal speakers though if a female uses it for more than an hour. I'll be back before that."

"Wait! Tim, I just deleted one of your icons, when the WC shocked the hell out of me. Where's the recycle bin? I'll try to recover it."

"Forget it, Deana. Precious does not have a recycle bin, because the creator believes that only wimps recycle things, and that a true man does not take back what he has thrown away. It's amazing, I know. I'll just recreate the icon later. In the meantime…"

That said, Timothy ran off again.

Deana glared at the WC. She logged onto the Internet anyway, to find some more information for their project work. The homepage turned up. It was a recommendation site for good books. The first book was titled '101 curses to scream at annoying American' written by Shenlong. And another was titled 'The injustice of being called Wu-bear, Wu-chan, Wuffles, Fei-chan, Wu-baby, Fei and Wu-buttercup', also by Shenlong.

She took down the website address mentally; she was pretty sure she could use the first book on her brother. And she clicked on the affiliate page. "… 'Sword fighting and martial arts for dummies'? What kinda website is this?" She scrolled downwards, only to see a whole list of moves. Some had fairly short names, such as 'Lightning Stab', while others had really long names. 'How to take three people down in hand-to-hand combat in less than a minute' was one such example. Curiously, she clicked on the first one, named 'Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon [2]'.

The new page loaded fairly quickly, and she soon saw a couple of pictures showing how the moves were made. She nearly fell off the chair again, this time from laughing. The move was executed as per its name. There were only four steps. One, disguise yourself as a tiger. Two, crouch down. Three, disguise yourself as a dragon. Four, hide yourself.

Still laughing, she clicked on the back button. Scrolling to the very bottom, she sweatdropped when she saw the name of the last move. " 'How to be defeated by your foe and finally know that you are weak'." She clicked on it and read the instructions. "One, challenge a foe with ginger hair and forked eyebrows. Two, fight him with a saber while he has a fencing foil. Three, you have lost." At the bottom was a P.S. "By the way, this wondrous move is contributed by D. Maxwell."

That name sounded vaguely familiar, but she couldn't remember who it was. Ah well. Deana had a feeling that the web master could really refer to the book '101 curses to scream at annoying American'. It was probably for international usage, anyway.

The mood to do extra research completely gone, Deana went ahead to activate the special programs that came exclusively with the WC. When she clicked on one of them, the screen blanked out. The screen was then filled with words that shot out from inside, and upon closer look, they were all 'Justice' in various fonts, colours and sizes. The screen then faded, and Deana found herself inside in what was called a 'Justice Hall'. Many buttons filled the sides of the hall, such as justice songs, justice odes, justice limericks, justice dances, and justice rhymes. She selected justice quotes.

" 'There is no justice. - Shenlong'… Gee, what a creative fellow…" She muttered, and backtracked. Deana then clicked on Justice Shrine, and the screen changed to that of a Chinese temple. Entering it, she saw an altar with a statue. Looking closer, she recognized it to be the red and blue robot in the wallpaper. At the top of the altar, a name was written: Nataku. At the sides were numerous buttons.

Deana clicked on the one with a chicken on it, and a live chicken appeared on screen. An option came up: Offer the chicken to Nataku? Of course, she chose 'yes', and after that was a series of options. By the time it ended, she had chosen for the fowl to be de-feathered, cooked, placed on a golden plate and decorated with some garnish. As she explored a bit more, she discovered that she could also offer fruits, other animals and joss sticks to Nataku.

Finally bored, she exited the program and decided to start on the project after all. Grabbing her backpack, she dug out her notes and went through them. When she got to the numbers, she started to feel that something was awry. Surely, there was a calculation error!

Wanting to correct the mistake, she decided to use the WC's calculator, since she had left hers at home. Pulling out the keyboard, she searched for the weird part. It was, after all, very convenient to. After using both the HC and DC, and hearing about TC and QC, she knew there was some peculiarity about all these keyboards. And she was determined to find them all.

It didn't take her too long to find WC's, for they were just too obvious. On the very left part of the keyboard, there were several special buttons with the words 'Onna', 'Weakling' 'Injustice', and 'Justice', and all of them were in caps. There was also one particular button that had lots of exclamation marks. It was probably used to scream at others.

Shrugging, she started to redo some parts of her notes. All went well, until she entered 1 x 2 instead of 1.2. Having nothing better to do, she clicked on the equal sign anyway, and found out that the calculator had a tad bit of problems. The answer was supposed to be 2 as all kids who have gone to school should know (or perhaps even those who never went), but the answer that came up on the screen was… strange. It was in letters, and it was 'LOVE'.

Raising an eyebrow, she tried some others. Some time later, she concluded the errors made. 1 x 2 equaled 'LOVE', as did 3 x 4. 13 x 5 equals to 'HELP!', while 6 x 5 equals 'NO!'. What a strange thing. Even stranger was that 5 x 13 and 5 x 6 equaled 'MAYBE…'

Just as she was about to try 5 x 5, Timothy returned.

"Hey Deana!"

"Oh, you're back. Got the thing your mum wanted?"

"Yeah. Now we can start with our project." He replied, and walked off to his cupboards to retrieve his notes.

Deana turned back to the computer, only to see the screensaver being activated. It featured a chibi Chinese boy with a tight ponytail running away from two other chibis. One had long blonde hair, and apparently, a fetish for metal masks. The other, had ginger coloured hair, and an obsession with roses. It was rather cute; too bad Timothy wanted to start the project.

So she clicked on a word program. Just for the sake of typing, she typed some random stuff that came to her mind. After all that surprise she had gotten from the WC, she was too lazy to be bothered when the text came on screen in Chinese calligraphy style. However the creator had managed to change English words into that form was another mystery.

The project went on smoothly. For a while at least. Knowing full well that their project, which was in fact a report, was going to be finished in time, both started to relax. As Deana typed in a paragraph from their handwritten draft copy, she asked, "Hey, Tim. Did you get any accessories with the WC?"

"Precious."

"Erm, right. Your precious." She agreed absently, if not a little disgustedly. "So, did you or did you not?"

He thought for a moment. "Yea. But I'm pretty upset I didn't get the DC together with Precious. If I did, I'd have gotten a can of spray remover and a pair of scissors as well. Though I really understand why are they giving spray remover and a pair of scissors with the DC. I mean, do the creators want me to cut something on the DC? And…"

"So, what did you get? Since you so obviously didn't get the sprat remover and the scissors." Deana quickly interrupted. She wasn't in the mood to hear him rant.

"Oh!" He got off his chair, and dug around in one his cupboards. He eventually found what he wanted, and handed them to Deana.

"What is this?" She exclaimed, examining the doll and miniature knives in her hands. The doll had forked eyebrows, ginger hair and was decked out in a blue and white suit that looked fit for a general. All in all, a pretty good-looking doll. The miniature knives… looked more like katanas under closer observation.

"It's a voodoo doll? And those mini katanas act as needles for me to torture the doll."

"Erm Tim? Why are all the katanas concentrated at the groin? Wait, I don't think I wanna know…" She winced, and handed the things back. "Keep it, for god's sake."

She turned back to the WC and continued on typing. Hitting a snag, she instinctively reached for the 'escape' button. Finding an empty spot where it was supposed to be, she asked, "Hey Tim, where's the 'escape' button? I can't find it."

"I quote again, from the instructional manual, 'Running is for weaklings!' So no, there is no 'escape' button. Unless you severe one of Precious' cables, and Precious will propel backwards, though I think that's thinking 'escape' to be a little too literal." Timothy shrugged.

Deana rolled her eyes, much too lazy to be bothered by such a crazy idea. Instead, she clicked for help from the WC, although she wasn't expecting too much from it.

Not too far away from her line of thoughts, the screen quickly flashed a sentence. "What the hell!? 'Put me back in the box and return me to the PC shop, weakling.' Hmph! I hate the WC."

"How can you say that? Precious is one of the best computers in the world!" He exclaimed. "Just look at the performance of Precious and you'll know!"

"C'mon, Tim. What else is the WC good at other than justice-spouting, Nataku-worshipping, onna-calling and weakling-hating?" She retorted.

Coincidentally, the internal speakers blared to life. "Onna! Get away from me! Onna! Get away from me! Onna! Get away from me!"

"Otoko! Shut the hell up! Otoko! Shut the hell up! Otoko! Shut the hell up!" She yelled back, and slapped the monitor. Still pouting, she kicked the CPU that was on the ground. If it wasn't for Timothy's interference, she was sure she would have hit it a lot harder.

"STOP!!! Deana, stop hitting my Precious!"

Whether it was just a quirk, or a lesson well learnt, the WC quieted down.

"See? I may be a woman, but I can still kick your ass!" And with that, she left the house in a much happier mood than before, after asking Tim to finish typing the rest of the report.

Strangely enough, the WC never used the 'Onna! Get away from me!' sound file ever again. Instead, it blared 'Otoko! Shut the hell up!' in an undeniably female voice every time Tim typed 'onna' in the computer, and he could sometimes see a chibi woman with two twisted ponytails shouting that.

~End of Episode 5~

[1]: I know this is more commonly found on laptops, but I did have one of these on my last keyboard. Besides, this is Wufei's computer we're talking about. It's special. ^^

[2]: Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon in Chinese actually means someone with talents, with incredible skills hiding somewhere or never meddling in the affairs of the pugilistic world so as to sorta keep it a secret and avoid unnecessary trouble like others asking for help. It's kinda living like a hermit. I was so weirded out when I saw the literal translation in English. ^^;;

Sorceress Fantasia @ 28th November 2002

Last revised 1st December 2002

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