Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Denial, revisited ❯ Prologue

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Disclaimer: Neither Gundam Wing, nor the song 'denial, revisited' belong to me. I'm no sure this is what the owners would have made of it… but it's there. Don't sue. Please?
Warning: Angst. A little violence. Heero… now would that be bastardisation or bashing? Shonen ai. TWO BOYS KISSING ! 'nuff said?
Author's note: The first time I heard this song it just screamed 'songfic' at me. But I couldn't seem to write it. There are lots of songs that do me that effect, I just can't think of a situation where it would fit -without being too OOC. So I finally settled on the good old 1x2 couple. I realize that in this fic, Heero has a behaviour that is often given to Relena -oblivious and delusional till the end. Blinded by love? My excuse is that he really doesn't know a lot of relationships…


DENIAL, REVISITED

[ So, here we go
Having the same old fight again ]

'Don't you understand? I love you Heero, I really do, but I can't stand it anymore! I hate not knowing what I am to you, if I am important, if I mean anything more than a convenient sex reliever!'
Duo wasn't even looking at him, fists white with tension. He was staring at the door, as if he didn't mean what he was saying.
And Heero knew he didn't really mean it.

[ There she goes
Same old game that never end ]

A knocking on the door interrupted Duo's rant, and he calmly went to the door - giving himself time to plaster a false smile on his face, Heero guessed. He opened the door, and from behind, Heero saw him tense, then - -
'Relena-sama.'
Heero rolled his eyes. After all this time - three years he had spent living with Duo- she was still chasing him, still believing she had a chance with him. Would she ever get it? Would she ever understand that no matter how much they fought he and Duo were forever together?
'Ne, Heero-kun…' she started.

[ If I could say
The right words I know
I could make you stay ]

He was exasperated already, but he didn't make a move towards her, staring at her with expressionless intensity. From the corner of his eye he saw Duo turning around and looking at him expectantly, then the boy - no, man - shook his head and stalked past him, heading towards their bedroom - leaving him to deal with her.
'Duo…'
He didn't want to be alone with her!
His lover stopped, but didn't look at him.
'What?' he asked in a cold, empty voice.
He didn't know what to answer.

[ If I could say
The right words
Things would work out alright ]

The girl hadn't been gone for more than ten minutes that the bedroom door slammed close. Heero had already gotten back to his laptop - he still had work to do, and neither his personal stalker, nor his tantrum-throwing lover could prevent him from doing it - and a few seconds later, Duo was in the living-room again, a seemingly heavy bag in his hand, looking like he wouldn't ever come back.
Yeah right.
'I'm going.'
Heero absently nodded, not really listening. It wasn't the first time. Duo always threatened… and always came back. He needed Heero - just as much as Heero needed him.
If he had been better at ease with words, he could have explained, could have told his braided lover what exactly he meant to him - so much more than his missions back to the war - but what was the point? Even if they fought every now and then, Duo always came back - what was the point of solving the problem, if separation was never really an issue?

[ And even if you go
I won't believe
That it's forever ]

No. Even if he did leave, on an impulse, he'd stay a night at the first hotel he found, and then he would come back. Heero actually smiled at the idea.
Their lovemaking sessions were always so much more intense after this kind of fights…

[ And you can go
But I'll never leave
'Cause it's not over ]

'Aren't you going to say something?' Duo asked, voice close to impersonal.
But not exactly so. He could feel the pain in it, the disbelief, and he was suddenly overwhelmed by the urge of throwing himself at Duo's feet - but it passed quickly. That was exactly what Duo wanted - to scare him into pleading for forgiveness. But such measures weren't needed.
He remained silent.
'Fine.'
Footsteps, then the soft sound of a door opening and closing softly. Heero raised an eyebrow. Strange. Usually he would have slammed the door to make his point. [1]
But if that meant his lover was growing up…
* * *
[Replay last night
Talking it out don't make it right ]

'Where is he?' he asked the girl, slightly angry. It had been a whole day, and Duo still wasn't coming back.
Worse, he had sent Hilde to gather his things for an hypothetical departure. Hn. So he was still trying to pretend he was leaving, wasn't he?
'I won't tell you.' She snapped back. 'If he wants to talk to you he'll call. Right now you should leave him alone. You've done enough harm as it his.' Her eyes were filled with hate and something he identified as jealousy. Of course. She knew he'd come back to him, too. She knew she hadn't the same power over Duo that Heero had.
Still, the fact that he had gone to her instead of coming back was… disturbing.

[I know she's tried ]

'Heero, couldn't you at least try? You know he loves you, and I think you care, too… Why can't you just be a little more tender? Treat him like he means something to you?'
Now her eyes were pleading.
He snorted.

[ But my whole world is him And all we've got now ] [2]

'What's between Duo and me will stay between us. You have no right to come interfering. Do you understand me?' he said calmly.
If there was going to be explanations, it would be to Duo, not to her. Because Duo was important to him, but not her. She was nothing to him.

[ Now even if you go
I won't believe
That it's forever ]

He briefly considered killing her, then shook his head. Duo would only be more pissed with him, and since he was coming back soon, this would have been ridiculous.
After all, he had been gone for a day already…

[ I won't let go
Even if she
Says that it's over ]

She was staring at him, searchingly, heavy luggage gathered around the front door.
'Heero, you have to understand that if you can't do anything about it… then you're over. You won't see him again. And I can't say I'll be sorry. You've been destroying him enough already. You don't deserve him.'
She waited a few seconds, then shook her head and proceeded to take the luggage out the house.
Such trouble to have it all come back in a few days time…

[ I know it'll be different this time
If you'd just stay ]

But… it didn't sound right. Duo had ever got to this much trouble just to make a point. So maybe he was more serious than the other times.
'Hilde, wait!'
She waited before entering her cab, and turned to him expectantly.
'Tell him I want to see him… anywhere he wants. He have to talk it out.'
She merely nodded.
'Anything else?'
He shook his head and she boarded the cab.
Then she was gone, and he was left staring at an empty street.
So maybe this time it was going to take more than a day's wait and a few muttered words.
Maybe it was all for the better, after all. If they sorted this out now, it wouldn't have to happen again.
Sure, he loved Duo - and the boy was a fool for not noticing it- but his lover could be really childish at times. It was getting tiring.
Time to change those bad habits.
* * *
[And when we wrote this story,
How did it end? ]

They were face to face in a restaurant they had never went to before. After three days, Hilde had come back and told him where the rendezvous would be - deliberately stressing the fact that it would be in a public place.
Now they were warily watching each other.
Like he had expected, Duo looked like Hell warmed over. There were dark circles under his eyes, and he looked like he hadn't eaten for a week. Which, given the way he devoured the bread placed on their table, was believable.
He knew he wasn't at his best, either. No matter what he told himself, he hadn't been able to sleep, alone in the bed they had shared for so long.
He could never sleep when Duo wasn't beside him. Not since they had first gotten together.

[ It was you and me for all our lives ]

Ever since the first time they had been together, Heero had known they were going to stay that way. After only a small taste, he knew he could never have enough of the violet-eyed boy.
He didn't feel the urge to tell him - never. After all, Duo talked about love enough for the both of them. And the important part was that they knew, both of them, that it would last.
Forever.

[ No, wait, don't say it
We'll try again ]

'What did you want to tell me, Heero?' Duo asked in a voice that wasn't devoid of emotion - there was sadness, and hope.
He sighed.
'Listen, don't you think it's been long enough? You've made your point. Now come back.'
Duo stared at him with disbelief in his eyes.
'You think it's that easy, do you?' he asked softly, not even bothering to shout. 'You think you just have to tell me to come back, and I will? Like a good puppy comes back to his master? Well it's not enough. And if you have nothing more to say… I'm gone.' He stated it simply, but there was an hidden angst in his voice. Like he was repressing tears.
'You can't leave all we've got like this!' Heero snapped, now more than a little angry.

[ And if I'd just hold you
We could last ]

'Try me.' Duo simply answered.
Heero got up, seized Duo's shoulder and forced him to get up, then he crashed him in a bear hug, before crushing his lips to his in a bruising kiss. At first Duo tried to struggle, then he let himself go, not pushing him away - not responding to the kiss, either.
When he finally pulled away, Heero laid his head on Duo's shoulder.
'You can't leave me, Duo. You need me and you know it.' And I need you.

[ But he stands softly
Tears down his face ] [2]

At that very second, Duo pulled away, tears shining in his eyes, rolling on his cheeks.
'You won't have me back like this…'
He turned around and proceeded to leave, unmindful of the waitress who was bringing their main courses.
Heero's hand shot like a snake, seizing the boy's wrist.

[ Hitting me, oh god ]

Duo abruptly turned around and slapped him, hard enough to bruise.
Under the strength, Heero let his wrist go.
'You should have learned… that violence isn't the way with me. But you really didn't care, did you? As long as I was here when you wanted me, in your bed, in your kitchen, in your bathroom. As long as you had everything you wanted from me. You should have learned. But you didn't… ever.'

[ This is the end ]

'I'm leaving, Heero. You won't hear from me anymore. I'm tired of this and I think… I know I deserve better. All those times I've come back… this won't be one of them. Don't you fool yourself into believing I'll come back to you, because I won't. I do need you… but I need my integrity more.'
He stepped towards Heero and placed a single kiss over the startled man's forehead.
'Goodbye, Heero. May you find someday the one who'll be able to make you come out of your shell.'
He turned around and left.
Just like this.
Like he hadn't shattered Heero's world in a minute-long talk.

[ I'd wait here for you ]

Back at their… his… house. Alone.
I felt wrong to be alone here. This placed belonged to him and Duo.
Both. And Duo knew it.
So… did that mean that if he stayed here there was a chance Duo would come back? He had said he wouldn't, but he couldn't decently leave him alone here, could he?

[ But there's nothing more now I can do ]

He tried… for a few weeks he tried to trace Duo, to learn where he was headed, what he was doing, who he was doing it with. But after a week all trace had disappeared.
When Duo didn't want to be found, he wasn't.
It was as simple as that.
So he occupied his days.
Alone.
But deep inside he knew… maybe it would take a long time, but Duo would come back.

[ How did you know? ]

He'd come back, and Heero would be ready to tell him everything he had kept to himself for so long. All the love, all the fear.
All the sadness.

[ How did you know? ]

He'd come back, and they would work it out - they'd talk about it, even if it was hard.

[ How did you know? ]

He'd come back…

[ Finally… ]

…wouldn't he?

OWARI


[1] I would have tried to explain it more explicitly but it would have turned to plagiarism… If you have read Lasha Lee's 'Closed Doors', you'll understand what Heero doesn't. Duo doesn't make himself loud when he's really resolved. By the way, I'd recommend reading her other work, too… my own personal favourite being 'And I have touched the sky'. It's long, but so worth it... But enough with other authors' publicity… ^__^
[2] Well I tried to make the story fit to the lyrics but this one was too hard… it should have been 'my whole world is her' and 'she stands softly, tears down her face'.
[3] maybe I should tell that this song is on The Offspring's last CD (Conspiracy of one), since I didn't say it in the previous warning… I won't insult anybody by saying who Gundam Wing belongs to, however…