Grow to bloom

Author: SOrion (sorion@gmx.ch)

Series: Gundam Wing

Disclamer: Don't own.

Warning: Shônen Ai, angst, romance

Pairing: 4/? (not really a secret... you'll figure it out, soon), implied 3/5

AC 199

Quatre Winner sat at his desk in his main office. He didn't change much since the war, although he was a lot taller and filled out more… But he still had this warm and gentle expression on his face that made him look like the boy he had once been.

Well, the boy had become a man, a man with high influence in today's world. He took over the Winner Enterprises - with help from three of his sisters - which made him top of society. He was as successful as possible, rich beyond reason and handsome enough to attract many… Maybe too many sometimes.

His work distracted him enough to avoid most of the fuss made about his person. Which was good, because war, for him, was still too fresh in his memory to just live his life.

He wasn't unsociable… at least not with people he felt familiar with, like his sisters and of course his former fellow pilots.

Other than that he tried to avoid any social gatherings as much as possible.

Right now he should have been going through his employees files… should have…

He was deep in thoughts as so often an scribbled on a post-it stack. In his finest, calligraphic handwriting he wrote the same name over and over again.

"Niko" or sometimes "Nikolai".

It took him nearly half an hour to realize what he'd been doing. His cheeks reddened and he sighed. 'Not again.'

This happened more often lately…

He had thought he'd gotten over Niko, that four years would have been enough to forget, or at least move on… No such luck for the Golden Boy Winner. Nooo… He had to mourn over the death of a one night stand.

Quatre rubbed his eyes angrily. He shouldn't think of the man as… as that. It had been more… Maybe only one night, but such beautiful memories. Such tenderness, such passion, so much care. Such a dear friend.

But he was long dead.

It was strange. He did think of Nikolai for the whole four years… But since maybe three weeks it became uncontrollable. He could almost taste his kisses, feel his touches.

Quatre felt like weeping but only one tear managed to break through his defences. "I miss you so much," he whispered.

A knock to the door nearly made him jump. Hastily he brushed away the tear and shoved his notes aside. "Come in."

The door opened and for one brief moment Quatre almost thought it would be Niko entering… He shut his eyes quickly. 'You've got to stop that!' he ordered himself mentally.

It wasn't Niko, of course. It was Chang Wufei. "Good morning, Winner," the young man greeted him with a curt nod.

Quatre smiled sincerely. "Good morning, Wufei." He was glad for the familiar face. One that didn't remind him of Nikolai… Only maybe a little.

"How have you been doing?" the Chinese man asked.

Quatre lifted one eyebrow at that. It wasn't like Wufei to ask such a question. "Why… fine of course."

Wufei mirrored Quatres earlier expression and his eyes wandered to the little post-it stack Quatre had so efficiently hidden behind a picture of all five pilots. He smiled sadly.

Quatre blushed some more.

"Nikolai again…" Wufei remarked. "You want to talk about it?" They've all known about that man… Quatre never made a secret out of him - it wasn't like he was the only one that sought out human warmth in those times of cold… During the war the young Winner heir was sad when talking about his one night encounter with the mysterious Nikolai. But after the war… he was downright defeated. And it took a great amount of time for him to get into normal patterns.

Quatre sighed and concentrated on his hands folded in his lap. "It's been getting worse again lately," he admitted.

"How bad?"

He breathed deeply. No more tears, no more tears… "I can't stop to think about him. It's like… I can feel you guys, like I know for sure that you are alive… I can feel him. I have that feeling that he's thinking about me… And the feeling keeps getting stronger."

Wufei seemed thoughtful. "Your feelings strike me as something to rely on… Are you sure he died in the war?"

Quatre lifted his head and returned Wufei's stare evenly. "I saw it. I was there."

Wufei hesitated. "Yes… you mentioned that… But, are you sure he died? Maybe you saw some kind of sham…?"

"I felt like my heart was torn in two, Wufei."

Wufei nodded. "I have no doubt about that. But did his… presence… or whatever you feel about a person… fade away?"

As much as it hurt, Quatre forced himself to think about that. After a long minute he sighed. "I don't know. I felt nothing in that moment. Nothing at all. None of you, not myself… not him."

"You feel him now. Why didn't you ever seek him out?"

A sudden laugh burst out of him and he rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I would have known… Anyone would have known, were he still alive." He swallowed hard. Why did it have to be Wufei asking him about all that? It was hard enough as it was… "I thank you for your concern, Wufei… But he is dead. I have no doubt about that."

Wufei took another step towards the desk and retrieved an envelope from his coat pocket. He looked at it thoughtfully. "You might be wrong," he mused. And put the letter on Quatres desk for the other man to look at the neat writing on it.

To Quatre

Quatres breath hitched at the sight before him and tears gathered in his eyes once more. He had seen that handwriting before. Once. Scribbled quickly on a check to pay a hotel room. 'I will always remember your, dear one.' Quatre blinked rapidly to make the words disappear.

Wufei turned to leave the room. "You of all people shouldn't lose hope so easily." The door closed.

And Quatre was alone.

Alone with a letter he couldn't tear his eyes from.

How… how could that possibly be? Nikolai was dead! He had been there! He had seen it, every painful moment of it.

'Maybe you saw some kind of sham…' Sham?

But… Wufei would have known then… Wufei would have never… Would he?

Unable to stare at the letter any longer he grabbed it and tore it open.

An unfolded letter in his trembling hand. Tears in his closed eyes… He opened them and let the salty drops fall.

Dearest Quatre

How do I begin this… Maybe I should tell you that I did not intend to make myself known to you again. I had hoped you could live your life without any reminders of war. I have been expecting you to leave the war behind you, as your gentle soul would deserve it.

But please do not think that there has passed even one day in the four years since we parted that I have not filled with thoughts of you. Our time together - as little as it was - meant more to me than I can even hope to describe. The hours we spent in each others company were as much a sanctuary from my every day life in the war as a pleasure beyond anything I have ever encountered. You were such a lively young man, with such wit, charm, passion and such a great heart.

I have expected to keep a beautiful memory of our night together, but never to be so drawn to your blue eyes in my dreams at night when I sleep as well as during daylight.

I gained a dear friend in you, if only for a short amount of time. And I deeply regret I never told you who I really am - although you doubtlessly learned soon after your return to war, as I learned your meaning in the goings on at that time.

I sincerely hope this knowledge didn't hurt you as much as I fear. As it hurt me enormously to discover that my dearest little one could be killed so easily - at my doing.

I… never thought about your feelings in this light. That you could be so desperate because of my death. I thought… that you would hate me the moment you knew about my identity.

And now your friends tell me otherwise. Two of them. I am sure you can tell which.

Dearest, I never intended to cause you pain. I would rather die than be the source of your anguish.

And yet I was. I deeply apologize, dear one. I acted the way I did because I thought it to be the best for you. I could have easily found out if you were happy through your friends. But I thought that telling them I was the Nikolai you met during war might damage your friendship.

I was wrong. And I am so very sorry.

I hope that you will forgive me. For all the things that have to be forgiven.

And I hope I can ask your forgiveness once again in person.

I would like to tell you what had happened, why I haven't sought for you.

Do you remember the place we met? I will be there every night from now on until there is no hope left in me that you could come.

If you don't want to ever hear from me again, simply do not attend or give this message to either the man who brought this letter or to his love. I will understand.

Yours very truly

Nikolai

Quatre's breath hitched and he trembled all over. He held the pages in cramped fingers, his tears flowed freely.

He shook his head. No. This couldn't be. Nikolai… alive. He was… alive…

Quatre wiped away his tears frantically, folded the letter and hid it in his jacket pocket. He then grabbed his wallet and stormed out of the office.

"Cynthia!" he called out for his secretary and knew very well that his flushed cheeks and his tear stains were clearly visible. "I… I'll go… I have to go to earth… I… Call my sisters to take over… Have to…" He spun around. No time for explanations he couldn't put into words. And he froze.

Wufei sat calmly in one of the chairs in the waiting lounge. He nodded courtly, stood up and grinned. "Here," he said and held another envelope towards Quatre. "The shuttle leaves in thirty minutes. A car is waiting outside."

Quatre took it and peered inside. A ticket. He smiled the most brilliant smile Wufei had ever seen. "Thank you."

Before the young business man could run down the corridor, Wufei held his sleeve. "Winner..."

Quatre waited, if a bit impatiently.

"I am very sorry I couldn't help you sooner. Trowa only found about Nikolai's identity a few weeks ago."

Quatre just kept on smiling shakily and embraced his startled friend tightly.

He threw one last glance at the woman behind the desk. Wufei seemed to have informed her that he could be leaving suddenly… "I don't know for how long I'll be away…"

Cynthia grinned. "You go get him, Sir."

Quatre blushed. Then he smiled at her and nodded.

The time he spent in the shuttle rushed by so fast, he hardly noticed it...

After it started, he allowed himself for the first time, to stretch out his senses without restriction... and he could feel him.

He could really feel him... He was there. Alive.

"Nikolai," he breathed.

In the taxi that was supposed to bring him to the hotel, where he first met the charismatic foreigner with the capturing accent and the most mesmerizing eyes...

Quatre remembered clearly how they had danced and talked for hours... How they finally had given in to the pull working between them and retreated to one of the hotel's rooms... How he had to reassure the other man that the age difference was not a problem - actually he had to convince him... How they had made love all night... How they had to part in the morning...

How he discovered the true identity of his mystery lover not much after their encounter... Oh, how his heart had hurt that day...

And the day... Nikolai died...

Quatre blinked heavily to control the tears burning behind his lids. When he re-opened them he could see the huge building tower next to them.

His heart was ready to burst.

He shoved his driver a way too large amount of money into his hand and bolted out of the vehicle.

The porter greeted him politely - no doubt recognizing the young billionaire.

Quatre rushed passed him and through the lobby.

Nikolai would be somewhere in the bar-restaurant.... Quatre was allowed access by yet another porter and let his eyes roam over the too dark room.

A strong feeling of déja-vu hit him... How he had entered the very same room over four years ago. He suddenly remembered everything... From the scent, to the dazzling lights and the lazy jazz in the air.

But where was he...?

Not at the bar...

Where was it that they had met all that time ago...?

Quatre thought hard. A table in the back...

He let his memory lead him to a table in a corner behind a pillar...

And... indeed there was someone. But... Was it... him...?

He looked so different.

The man at the table was reading in a book, with a glass of scotch in front of him.

As Quatre stepped closer, he felt his heart speed up once again. Yes, the man had changed, but it was without a doubt his Niko.

His sand blonde hair framed his face nicely... It looked so much different... And he wore casual - if elegant - clothes.

Quatre felt himself smile. Now that he though of it, Nikolai had been wearing the clothes of the same style... But the man's formal face was all he had remembered for the last years.

And now, standing next to the table, there was something else he could see that had changed.

Quatre couldn't stop himself, he reached out a hand...

The man lifted his heard, startled... and froze, ice-blue eyes glued to the figure standing in front of him.

Quatre lifted his hand to trace the contour of the older man's eye-brows.

The man smiled, heart-felt and almost painful.

Quatre's hand finally framed the man's cheek. "They're different," he remarked, referring to the eye-brows.

The man cleared his throat. "They have been a dead give-away, you have to admit."

Quatre's smile made his whole face bloom. "You're... you're here, really, truly... You're alive..." he whispered.

The man stood up and embraced the young business man tightly.

Quatre sobbed and clung to the strong form.

"Yes, I am here, little one." He did not dare to apologize again. He would, no doubt about that, but not now. Now was not the time to feel sorry... now was the time to be joyous. His breath hitched, as well...

After what seemed like hours - and was, in fact, almost ten minutes - The older man guided Quatre to a chair and sat him down. Then he re-took his place in front of his blonde angel and held his hand lovingly.

Quatre's tears had dried. He smiled and stroked the other's hand with his thumb softly. "Hello, Treize."

End

17.08.03

This has been on my hard-drive for quite some time... But I couldn't abandon it (no matter how little time for writing I have right now...)

I hope you enjoyed it... It was a strange pairing, but I like it nonetheless.

SOrion