Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ I Can Love You ❯ I Can Love You... ( Chapter 1 )

I don't own Gundam Wing, I'm not that cool. Nor do I own Sarah McLaughlin's (I can't spell…) "Better This Way" (I don't actually own her CD, so I don't have the liner notes, and the disc I'm borrowing from a friend doesn't list the songs).

This is a songfic, I wove the lyrics into the story itself. Trying something new, of course. Italics and/or //words between these// are song lyrics, whether they are from a letter, thought or voice. Not all of the italics were showing up properly, so I edited.

1+4, angst.

Enjoy.

I Can Love You Better…

"//The winter here is cold and bitter,

Chilled us to the core

Haven't seen the sun for weeks,

Too long, too far from home.

I feel just like I'm sinking

And I claw for solid ground.

I'm pulled down by the undertow,

I never thought I could feel so low

All in darkness I feel like letting go.

If all of the strength, all of the courage

Come and lift me from this place,

I know I can love you much better than this,

Full of grace,

My friend.//

Please give me another chance. I love you.

Love, Heero."

Quatre gently put the letter down, hands shaking. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, reaching for a Kleenex with the other hand. He blew his nose before cradling his head in his hands. I won't cry, I won't. He cried, dropping his head into his crossed arms. He was bent over the desk; he was supposed to be working. But how could he work when his heart was shattered? He had loved Heero; still loved Heero. He would always love Heero. The problem had never been love.

But sometimes, love just wasn't enough.

They had been separated for three weeks. It had almost killed Quatre to ask Heero to leave, but it was worse than having him stay. There were certain things that he needed in a relationship that Heero didn't seem to be capable of giving. Quatre had agonized over the decision for months; was still agonizing over it even now. There had been countless arguments over what Quatre needed and Heero hadn't given, but they had solved nothing.

Quatre had thought that he knew himself, but his life with Heero had changed that. He had thought that those things he had ended up needed so badly in his relationship, he had just wanted. Now he knew better--he needed them. He needed to be held. He needed someone who could be strong for him when he could not be strong for himself. He needed someone who would sit with him, if need be. He needed someone who could say 'I love you'. He needed someone who didn't need to always have sex to prove love.

He knew that Heero wasn't addicted to sex, or using him for sex. He knew that that was how Heero thought one was supposed to express love. So, anytime he had needed to be comforted, something a cuddle in front of a blank TV would have done, Heero had taken him to bed, and Quatre had come out worse for the wear by feeling used. Heero just hadn't understood the difference.

As much as it had torn him apart inside, Quatre had let Heero go. Their relationship was hurting both of them, and that wasn't how relationships were supposed to be. No matter how much they loved each other. Sometimes it wasn't healthy, and they both deserved a healthy relationship. Theirs wasn't healthy.

Sitting up, he wiped his face and nose. He had to get this work done; he couldn't cry and mope the day away. Three weeks had never felt longer than these last three. He couldn't concentrate on his work--it was happening more and more. If he kept this up, he'd never work again. His thoughts inevitably wandered toward his broken relationship.

He had discovered something about himself with every relationship. Previous relationships had shown him what he needed and wanted. They had also shown him that people stayed too long in bad places because it was comfortable. He had had one relationship that he had stayed in for an extra year because he had been afraid he would end up alone for the rest of his life. He had been miserable for that year, but he hadn't wanted to be alone. After he had gathered up the courage to leave, he had found that it wasn't that hard to be alone. It was less miserable than being in a rotten relationship. Was it possible that he had been too hasty in letting go?

He truly loved Heero. His breath caught in his chest as the unbidden thought echoed in his mind. His love for Heero was true, not the fake or desired love that he had had in the past. This wasn't love because he wanted love--this was the real thing. He knew this because even in the worst of times he still looked upon Heero with warm thoughts. Even when he had been furious with Heero for one thing or another, he had still loved him. He lowered his head in his arms again.

Could Heero really love him the way he needed? It was what he was promising in his letter. The letter had come to his office. He smiled as he thought that Heero knew him so well. Heero knew that Quatre would work his life away to get through the hurt. In fact, Quatre had mainly just used the apartment as a pit stop for a change of clothes and a hot shower.

With a sigh, he turned to his printer and pulled a blank page from its tray. Grabbing a pen, he bent over the page and began writing.

"//Its better this way, I say

Having seen this place before

When everything we say and do

Hurts us all the more.

It's just that we stay too long

In the same old sickly skin…//"

Quatre put the pen down, wiping tears from his cheeks again. Would he ever stop crying? He honestly didn't think he would. This had been the hardest decision of his life, separating himself from his love. But, he loved Heero enough to let him go. //I'm pulled down by the undertow/ Never thought I could feel so low/ All in darkness I feel like letting go…//

He scrubbed his face with his hands. He had to put this in the back of his mind; he had to move forward. He gently signed the letter, folding it and placed it within a blank envelope. He couldn't remember the last time he had handwritten a letter. Perhaps he hadn't ever handwritten a letter. Perhaps he had always typed letters. He licked the envelope, sealing it. Gathering up his coat and keys, he decided to go home. He might as well face its emptiness, and he really didn't want to be at work anymore. He shrugged his coat on, picked up the letter addressed to Heero, turned off the lights and left. He dropped the letter off in the outbox before he went home.

His heart didn't feel lighter--it had gotten heavier.

______________________________

He ran his hands dejectedly through his hair. Quatre's letter lay on the floor between his feet. He held back his tears. Quatre didn't want him anymore; didn't love him anymore. That's not true, he screamed at himself, his thoughts raging at him on both sides of the line.

"That's not true." He whispered; head bent as though in prayer, hands tangled in his hair. He loved Quatre with all of his heart, he didn't want to lose him, but he had known for a while that he wasn't giving Quatre what he needed. He was too thickheaded to figure out what Quatre had needed before things had degenerated too far, and here he was, in a friend's house on the other side of town trying not to cry every day.

Three and a half weeks, and he couldn't move on. At first he had been angry. He had broken things--he didn't remember what. Duo was making him replace the broken items, and Heero gladly handed over the money with an apology. He hadn't liked himself after that episode, but Duo had assured him that everything was fine, there was nothing that needed to be forgiven, that it was normal.

"But," Duo had said, "you're still paying for everything." His anger had finally given way to depression, and he had begun wasting away in the house. It wasn't that he couldn't live without Quatre, by any means, he knew that in time he would eventually get past this, but that knowledge didn't make things any easier, only harder. He didn't live life for Quatre, but damn, he wanted Quatre in his life. When he had asked Duo what he should do, Duo had thrown up his hands as though surrendering and began backing away.

"Hey, man, I'm not getting involved. I kindof agree with Quatre. You weren't giving him what he needed, and he basically laid his needs in front of your face, and you still missed it." He didn't ask Duo what those needs were, he decided to figure them out for himself. Plus, he didn't think that Duo would give him that answer. Heero realized that he had been dense as all hell, but he couldn't change the past, he could only affect the future. So, he had written a letter, pouring out his heart and his love, hoping to get through to Quatre. Hoping to win back Quatre's love. He had finally realized what had been missing in the relationship, and he desperately wanted to show Quatre that he could love him the way he needed to be loved.

But, Quatre hadn't wanted any part in that. Heero swallowed his tears back--he wouldn't cry. But that was one of the problems, wasn't it? He frowned as his eye caught on something. He reached down, gently picking the letter up. He narrowed his eyes in concentration as his eyes roamed the page, searching for the discrepancy. The page had gotten wet at some point, he realized, hope peeking around the bars he had tried to erect in his heart. He brushed his fingers over the page. They were circular, as though water had been dripped on the page as it was laid flat. Some of the ink had bled.

Heero realized as his own tears began rolling down his face, that Quatre must have been crying when he wrote the letter. His hope started pounding on the bars, screaming to be let out. He let out a sob, his body jerking with the force of it. He had to fix this. If Quatre was crying as he composed this letter, than he must still love me. Hope filled his heart as he succumbed to his tears.

______________________________

He waited in the park that he and Quatre had frequented. In fact, he was standing under the tree they had professed their love for each other under. He touched the bark lovingly. He knew that Quatre usually cut through the park on his way home. Their apartment was within walking distance of Quatre's office, so he only drove when the weather was bad. Any time now, Quatre would be trekking through the park, and Heero would stop him, beg for another chance, Quatre would…

He stopped his line of thought, refusing to imagine the rest of it for fear that his scenario wouldn't come true. He admitted that he was afraid. But as he looked up and saw Quatre trudging slowly toward him, staring fixedly at the ground, shoulders slumped and hands stuffed in pockets, his fear slowly dissolved, replaced by his unfading love. His fingers stayed on the truck of the tree, as he called out to Quatre in a low voice. Quatre's head snapped up, eyes widening.

"Heero? What are you doing here?" He saw Quatre's eyes flick to the tree before resting on him once again. Quatre had stopped a foot away from him; he had been oblivious, probably lost in his own thoughts as he traveled through the park. Heero's fear returned.

"I love you, Quatre. I can't begin to tell you how much I love you--I don't have the words." Quatre opened his mouth, probably to refute his words, but Heero stepped closer to him, holding up his hand to prevent him from speaking. "I know you think this is for the best. Perhaps it is, but I don't want it to be."

"We don't always get what we want, Heero."

"True. But I've learned what I should have learned a long time ago." Heero raked a hand through his hair, gazing out at the horizon, suddenly unsure of how to continue. Quatre remained silent. //All of the strength, all of the courage/ Come and lift me from this place,// he pleaded silently.

"//I know I can love you much better than this//." Heero whispered, reaching out to place his hand on Quatre's arm. Quatre didn't pull away, but his gaze turned to the ground. Heero slowly drew Quatre to him, wrapping his arms around him, resting a cheek against his head. Quatre's arms immediately came around him, hands clutching at his shoulders. "I love you, Quatre, and I don't want to let you go."

"//Full of grace…//" Quatre whispered into his shoulder. He nodded and repeated his earlier words.

"//I know I can love you much better than this//." Quatre pulled away, looking into his eyes.

"//It's better this way.//" But Quatre didn't sound very convinced, seeming to say the words by rote. Heero shook his head.

"No it's not." He pulled Quatre back into the hug. He felt, rather than heard, Quatre crying. "I want to love you the way you should be loved. I want another chance."

"I know you can love me better than this." Quatre whispered. Heero tilted Quatre's chin, raising his face so he could gaze into his eyes.

"Let me try." He whispered. Quatre nodded, unable to speak. He brushed tears from Quatre's cheeks before leaning in to kiss him. "I love you."