Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Mahasamahdi ❯ Chapter 6

-Six-

How do you make yourself want something more when you don't know how you can possibly not want it enough already? I had no idea. I knew only that something was missing and that until I figured out what it was I wasn't going anywhere. There was only one thing to be done. Persevere.

I slept for a time, resting in the space beyond life and death as the other spirits do, only I became distinctly aware I was different. As I sauntered between sleep and wakefulness I watched them, became to see where one ended and the next began. I could see them as I previously could not and what I saw fascinated me.

They made no move to leave. No attempt to escape. They were trapped in this nothing and they liked it. Wether time had mellowed the desire to leave or this was where they truly belonged I do not know…but I know one thing. I was not and will never be one of them. When my strength had returned I threw myself at the borderland, at the shadowed veil, prepared for anything. Praying for everything.

The church was quiet, but not abandoned. A lone candle fluttered in the rack against the wall, holding a disquieting vigil over my not so absent self. The pews were empty, the dais almost abandoned. Wufei sat, motionless, beside my body, pale gold fingers wrapped tightly about my own. My own perfect, porcelain digits, unmarked, clean…

A brief memory surfaced, of my hands, his hands, of blood…so much blood! It was pooling in my palms, running off my fingertips, dripping into the small lake of red at my feet as my mind failed to comprehend.

I shook my head, clearing the unwanted scene. That was over. Done with. I was dead. I died. No longer was I death. Right? If only it was so easy. But then, maybe it is.

"Wufei?"

He did not hear me of course, did not raise his head with an awareness that something was there, that someone was present beyond himself. It occurred to me that they probably think Heero is mad. After all, he alone could sense me, and I had been his best friend. But he was cold, emotionless, the perfect soldier, so why would he lose his mind and dream me back into existence. And then there was my body. My cold, unmoving, lifeless body that refused to decay. It waited. Waited for me to figure out what to do. Too bad no one seemed to have put all the pieces together before. I had them all, knew how they fit, but I needed to need more. If only I could unmake my mind. But then I guess I really would be dead. No second chances, no going back. This was better. It had to be.

I sat down beside Wufei and wound my arms around his waist. He couldn't feel me, I knew, but I hoped some of my calm might seep into him, and a small part of me hoped that since he had always had the answers before, Wufei might just hold the key now.

He shuddered slightly, but it wasn't from any recognition of my presence. It was just one of those feelings you get sometimes. Hey say someone walks over your grave, but I always figured that was a positive thing. After all, at least they hadn't dug it yet.

"Your hands are clean now…they keep telling me they're clean, but…all I see if red…"

Really? You honestly don't think they're clean? They look pretty damn spotless to me. Quatre must have done it, or Trowa. Those too are meticulous when it comes to hygiene. But you still see the blood, don't you Wufei? Don't worry, I see it too. It's so dark, it looks like I'm drowning in the night sky. But why can't the others see it Wufei? What's so special about us? Is it because we were there? Is it because we haven't left yet, because I have not left? There must be a reason, surely. That's what this is all about; finding reason and realising its meaning. Finding life, and knowing its worth. Glimpsing death and denying its hold…

I cling to him tighter, burying my hands in his shirt, curling my face in the space between shoulder and neck. It's warm here…I can almost feel the heat of him. Almost taste him…

A loud gasp. Wufei shifts and the look on his face is priceless. Oh for a camera. I wonder if it would work if I had brought one with me. Now there is a thought!

Heero is standing in the aisle, face pale and hands shaking, one outstretched as if to touch. And that's how I know he can see me. He can see me curled against Wufei's side, holding on for all I'm worth and it occurs to me he thought I was gone for good, that that last battle to say with him had done me in. He always underestimates me.

"Here's here, isn't he…" Wufei sounds a little scared, but when you consider all the chinese say about the dead I'm not surprised. He probably thinks my ghost will reap every available soul it can touch. I can't say I'm surprised.

Heero just nods and walks frighteningly slow to join us, as if he thinks he'll frighten me away. As if! I've never been scared of Heero invincible Yuy. I've never been scared of anything, really. That's how I got into this mess to start with.

"Hey Heero!" Wow, am I really that excited to see him, to know he can hear me, see me, almost touch me? Didn't realise how much I had missed it. Make me cry again Heero, just so I can remember what it's like. Please?

"Hey Duo…" You look so fucking pleased with yourself Yuy. And I put that smile on your face! Go me!

Patting Wufei on the shoulder I move to Heero; he has more to offer and Wufei hasn't given me any answers. This time I can almost feel him and I know he can feel me as I curl up in his lap and wrap my arms around his chest. I can feel his warmth, somehow linked to my cold and I want it. Want it want it wan it! More, must want it more…

"Come back Duo…Please come back. I'll do better, I promise. We all will!"

He sounds so damn tired. I feel guilty. I remember they're losing the war and it makes me want to scream. Instead, I lift my head, place a vague finger on his lips and try to smile, just for him.

"It's okay Heero. I'm working on it. I'll try harder too, I promise. Just don't…don't bury me!"

I expect him to smile, maybe laugh, maybe even just stare a me like I'm mad, call me a baka. I do not expect him to burst into tears. But he does.

I'm so shocked I feel a shudder run through my body as I cling to him tighter. Wufei is shocked too, falling back from my body, my hand falling off the side of the table, stiff and so damn cold! It hits me in the side and ice runs through me, through my fingertips, into Heero…he shudders, much as Wufei did before but this time its like an electric current and I feel it! Life, a breath away…

"Heero…" I'm in awe…I can feel him through my own body! I get so excited I let go of him and the feeling quickly fades. But I have the key, Wufei gave it to me after all. It's myself; my own body! And in that split second it takes me to realise it I know why I didn't think of it.

I'm afraid. Scared shitless of what that body feels like, of taking all this energy that I have become and trying to cram it back into that too mortal frame. And I know exactly why no one ever comes back from the Mahasamahdi. In that moment I want to die. All that holds me still is Heero's hand, slipping between body's my cold fingers and his eyes boring into me, begging me…

Come home…

Go home…Sentaku's voice…

"Duo?" Wufei.

I do scream this time, but it's as I throw myself onto the table and against myself; into myself. And the world crashes. I can see it all; the thick shadows of the borderland and the faces of the dead watching me, trying to see what I will do. There is no sign of Sentaku. The dark gold cloud overhead that I guess could be heaven or some strange illusion, I have no idea, I'm in a church after all. And then there are Heero and Wufei, each with a hand wrapped about one of my own and I want it, more than I them. More than anything. I want life!

My head spins and I see red. It's dripping in the pitch, I can hear it, dripping, slipping down my skin, over my fingers, I can hear it pooling around my feet. I can smell it, filling my nostrils, taste it in my mouth as it bubbles down my throat. It's everywhere, in every part of me, and as I sense it something comes with it, struggling to break out of me.

There are voices, so many voices. Heero, Wufei, Trowa, Quatre, Sentaku, the shadows, the priest, they're all there! I am so scared I would wet myself if spirits did such things, but I push on, push forward, screaming at myself. I want it I want it I want it I want it!!!

My body's mouth opens and breath rushes in. I feel like I'm burning, though with heat or cold I do not know. It's more like being electrocuted, and its ripping me inside out. It's the worst pain I've ever felt. And it's there, as it was before, that choice. Hanging in the air.

I'm dying. Again. Dying, not dead…it's a second chance, and it hurts. Agony.

Dying, no…

I'm already dead….

NO! Dying, no…God, but it hurts! And they won't shut up, it won't stop! I can hear the blood, it's roaring in my ears…it hurts!

I'm already dead…

NO! Dying…dead…no…dying…no…

I'm…already…

Dying, no…already…

Already…

CHOOSE! Sentaku?

I'm…

Dying, no already…

It's all…

Dying…

Blood…

It's just…

Must choose…

Not already…

Dying…It's all in my head…

No!

Dying…no already…

ALIVE!

Air rushed through me, into me, fills me, becomes me. And I'm stuck here, in a body that refuses to move, but breathes, and the blood pumps, and I can hear them, know if I could open my eyes I would see them. I can taste the air, feel the table under me…it's all there. It's real. But I'm not finished yet.

"Duo Maxwell?"

"Yes Sentaku?"

"You're alive…"

"I know."

"I'm…glad."

"So am I."

And he's gone. I don't know who he is, really. I don't know if I made him up, or if angels really do slip and fall…But I know I could not have done it without Sentaku. He was chosen, wether by me or some force yet unknown to me I am yet to discover, and he held me in that space between spaces until I could learn to see. For that I will forever be grateful.

There are times in your life when you are faced with something you do not understand; when you are forced to make a choice between two things you don't believe in, or two things you don't want to believe in. The key to these choices is to look beyond the choice and see yourself. It know yourself, and in that last moment to realise not who, or what, when or why, how or where, not to realise your body, or your mind, or the true desire of your heart. It's not even anything to do with your soul. It's a small piece of all these things, and a whole chunk of want. You have to want one thing over the other and accept that you want it. It's about believing in the choices you make, and accepting that sometimes you don't need anything. You just want them.

My name is Duo Maxwell. I call myself Shinigami, and some days I think I know what that means. Every day I make choices. I decide to get up, to go out, to sit in my Gundam and fight. I decide who lives and who dies. I choose.

I choose to live. That choice is easy. I choose to go on, because I choose to believe peace is possible, and that it will come. I choose to see it, when it comes. I choose to be alive. I choose o be a me I had never known, to take the plunge and be a me that might not be me.

Death row is a state of mind. Not a state of this mind.

*

"Duo?"

"Ne, Heero?"

"Do you ever think you were Chosen?"

"Sentaku?" I smile. I can't help it. "Maybe. Or maybe he chose me."

Heero doesn't get the joke. He doesn't have to. See you next time…