Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Mahasamahdi ❯ Chapter 5

-Five-

It is one thing to be told you can return to life. It is a completely different thing to actually do it. See, the problem with coming back to life is that it has never been done before so there is no one to tell you how it's done. How is it done? I have no idea. That's why I'm still sitting here, by the veil between the worlds of the living and the dead, tapping my head with a translucent finger, grumpily trying to figure out how it can be done and not out there dancing in the rain.

Sentaku is not a help. He's sitting there with all the knowledge of `what' in his head and none of the `how'. After all, if he knew how he wouldn't be sitting there. The only thing we knew for certain was that I shouldn't have been dead. Apparently if I had done what I was supposed to do I would now be lying, crippled and irrecoverably broken, in a hospital bed somewhere. Instead, my body was perfectly fine, waiting to be buried in some droll little churchyard while I twiddled my thumbs among the ranks of the dead.

How did I get into this mess? Well, not even I really understand, but I'll try to explain as simply as I can. Mahasamahdi. Simple enough for you? Yeah, me neither. You see, the problem is, I decided to die, and actually did it, when I was supposed to live. So, in some sort of deranged epiphany I carked it, landing me in the no man's land of the dead, and now I am supposed to `decide' wether or not I want to go back. Until then, my body will not decay, and any wounds will heal, and the angels will sing…ok, so I made that last one up. So sue me. The problem? I don't know `how' to decide.

I never was one for making decisions. I'm a soldier. I take orders. I sure as hell don't make them up. Even living on the streets I was never really the leader type. I let others lead, and jut made sure I knew how to run like hell when the need arose. Here, lost in the dark, with no true form and only my quiet little dark thoughts for company…I miss those days. They are suddenly simple to me. You knew what each day would bring, what each day would take away. Now…there is no day, no night really. There just is. That's it.

Sighing heavily, I flopped back and stared at the great nothing above. There's actually nothing there, but its nice to imagine a nice grey sky, clouds billowing, lightening forking, great booms of thunder…Ok, so I am missing my Gundam. So would you if you were stuck here, with absolutely nothing to do except ignore the dead so they don't realise you're there and daydream about watching the living.

"Why are you doing that?" Sentaku suddenly turned to face me, curious and not at all innocent. He looked almost…devious. And coming from me that is saying something damnit!

"Why am I doing what? I'm not doing anything Sentaku! I'm just lying here!" So I was a little snappy. Who cares. I didn't. Sentaku didn't…hell, the man thought it was amusing to watch me fume. And they say I'm weird.

"Why are you just sitting here daydreaming about watching them?"

Ok, so I really need to figure out how to keep my thoughts to myself, if that's even possible. At least I'm not screaming every itty bitty detail that flits through my head all the way through the realm of the dead. I learnt that lesson quick smart!

"You mean I can do it again?" To say I was angry I had not been told this before would be like comparing a rabbit and the wolf chasing it. `Angry' was not a good enough description. Let's leave it at that, shall we?

"Of course," Sentaku shrugged, as if this was obvious. "How else would you decide whether you wanted to go back or not?"

Smacking myself loudly on what I assumed was my head with what I could only guess was meant to be my hand, I raced toward the thin veil, raced into the mists that you could so easily lose yourself in…And I was there once more.

It was that little church, only it was dark now. The sunlight didn't come in through the small stained glass windows, no priest stood on the altar…My friends were not there. It was quiet, lonely…My body was silent.

Slipping past the corrals, I rose before myself and looked at my face. I never really did this while alive, so its somewhat strange to do it now. I seem…peaceful. I remind myself of my death, of those last few breaths, staring into Wufei's eyes, knowing they were the windows to his very soul, but not really seeing him at all. I'm looking past him, glaring right in the face of my namesake, and I do the unthinkable. I let it come. Should I have fought? I don't know. I don't think so. I don't want to think I should have. Why? Why would I want to die? Why when it is so obvious I regret it?

Because I regret it. Simple. It isn't until you die that you understand what you're losing. It isn't until you actually see what you are when you're dead that you know you want it all back. And without dying, I would never know this, and I would still be leaping around space in a tin can screaming obscenities and telling everyone willing to listen that I didn't care so long as everyone else died right along with me.

A noise at the back of the church catches my attention…The door has opened. Quatre walks in. He's covered in blood and he looks tired. I guess he jut came back from a mission. He should be sleeping, but he's not. Instead he's stumbling to the small table that has my body resting on it…My body, on its bed of long dead flora…How appropriate. Even the black rose from my funeral have shrivelled and died, but my hands refuse to release them.

He's kneeling beside me, he's studying my face. There are tears in his eyes.

"Where are you?"

Right here Buddy. Don't worry, I'm right here. But you can't hear me.

Quatre sighs heavily and leans his chin on his hands on the table edge. He seems reluctant to touch me.

"I don't know what's happening Duo. The war is crazy, and without you…Heero doesn't want to fight anymore. Wufei thinks it's unjust. Trowa…I don't think he even cares. And I'm tired. I…I miss you…And yet, you're not gone…"

Damn straight I'm not! I'm standing right at your frigging side and you don't have a clue! You! The Empath! If I wasn't dead I might laugh. Still, you have a point. I'm not gone, and yet I'm not there. Do you know how to cross the divide Quatre? Can you tell me?

One small, shaking hand reaches out and flicks the bangs away from my closed lids.

"You haven't changed. You just look…asleep, but you're so cold. How can we bury you like this? I won't let them do it…"

They're going to bury me? I start jumping around my body, slapping myself and doing all kinds of stupid things. Nothing works of course. I'm not really there. I'm here, wherever here is. This is so annoying!

"The Priest…he says there have been cases of this before. He…he calls it Mahasamahdi…But…Duo, none of the others have come back. They al keep going…I..I'm starting to think there isn't a way back…What if there isn't a way back?"

He's choking on his tears and I want to cry so badly I can see my aura turning blue. Quatre can't hep me, but he's trying so hard! And the war…they're going to lose, I can see it in his eyes and it's killing them. Hell, it's probably killing them all. And it's all my fault.

My fault. I want to cry…cry cry cry…LET ME CRY!

Suddenly my body is glowing with the same blue tint as my spirit. I can't help but gape, and I think my face must look something like Quatre's. He yelling, bellowing for the priest. I don't think I've ever heard him yell that loud before.

The priest is running in, robes flying, eyes wide as saucers as he sees my body. He crosses himself. That does it, I laugh, the desperate need lifts and the aura fades. My body is dead again.

But for a second it lived! I saw it! Not that it matters. I'm being pulled back again. I've used too much energy. I'm in the nothing. I'm in Sentaku's lap. I'm tired. I'm sleeping.

I wake and crawl out of Sentaku's lap, moaning nonsensical jargon as I stumble toward the mists. Sentaku is asking me questions, but I refuse to listen. He never has anything important to say anyway. Just riddles and I'm not in the mood. I want to see…I don't know what I want to see. Something would be nice. Jut not nothing. But then, nothing is no thing right, so it must be some thing…I'm just confusing myself.

The church is brighter. It's night, but the whole place is filled with candles. I'm still on the table, but all the dead flora is gone. I'm lying on velvet now. Black velvet…I like it! There is a soft whispering nearby and I turn to see Quatre, kneeling beside the rack of candles. He's not speaking English. I don't know what he's saying, it's in Arabic, but it's obvious what he's doing. He's praying. For me. I have never been so touched.

Looking around I see Trowa not a meter from Quatre, slumped against the wall, eyes closed. He's not asleep. I don't know how I know, I just do. He's listening to Quatre. It's calming him.

Wufei is near my body. He's not saying anything, just sitting there. I creep over to take a closer look and can't help but gape. Wufei is holding my hand. The intense way he is staring at my head makes me think he's trying to will me back to life. I wish it were that simple. If only!

Heero is sitting on the altar. I knew that boy wasn't religious, but hell! Even I've never done that! Sitting next to the altar, on the other hand, with the altar wine…Heh. What can I say, you're only young once? Believe me, I know! His face is blank. I can't tell what he's thinking. I crawl up beside him and just watch him. He doesn't move, not a bit. It's like he's frozen. It's strange, so I do what anyone in my position would do.

I poke him. His eyes go wide and his head snaps to the side with an audible click. He's glaring at thin air. He can't see me, but I wave my hand in front of his face anyway…and he blinks. His hand reaches out, passes right where mine did and I scream. I can't help it…He can't see me but it's like…he knows I'm here! So I scream. And Heero covers his ears, eyes impossibly wide as he gapes right at me!

"Heero, what's wrong?" Wufei is looking right us but he is only seeing Heero. I know that, so I don't tear my gaze from Heero. I need to touch him, need to stop them from damn well burying me, if nothing else! If I ever do figure this out I do not want to wake up in a coffin six feet under!

I wrap my hand in his shirt, willing everything I am into the touch and pull him to me. And somehow my hand holds the fabric and he plunges forward until his chest is flush against mine and his breath is there, tickling my ear.

I open my eyes, unaware I had them closed, and realise the mist is everywhere. We're not in the real world. But we're not in the realm of the dead either. And I'm weakening. I can feel myself being pulled one way while Heero is being pulled the other. It hurts. It hurts so much, and I hold on with everything I have ever been and everything I want to be again.

"Heero?" He's slipping from my grip, slipping through my hands…For one brief moment I look into his eyes and he sees me…He's crying…I want to cry…

"Duo…!" He's slipping, the pull increasing, the mist growing thicker. I can't hold on. I don't know what to do, what to say…What do you say in such a situation? I still can't figure it out.

"Heero!"

And he's gone. I'm in the nothing again, flat on my back staring at what should have been the darkest sky ever born. That way it would match my mood. But its not there. It's not here and I want it. I feel something strange and lift a hand to my face. When I pull it black there is something small and glistening on my fingertip.

A tear.

And I realise I did it. For a brief second I did it. I was alive…I shed a tear. I scream in delight, leaping to my feet and running in small circles, heedless of the strange way the other spirits are beginning to gather around me.

"Sentaku, I did it! I think…I think…" I fell quiet, then in the faintest whisper, "I think I know how to do this…"

But I don't want it enough. I'm missing something.