Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Only You ❯ Chapter 1

Title: Only You
Author: Sylvia Spivey (SS.)
Warnings: Light angst, shonen ai 1+2
Summary: Heero is coming to terms with his feelings.
Note: This was written for the September 2002 Portrayal of Friendship fic contest hosted by SDDI. Italics indicate things written in Heero's journal.

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Heero sat in a junked military jeep in the darkening salvage yard, windows steaming up slightly with his warm breath. A small black book lay open on his right thigh, and the callused hand that rested on the blank page held a well-chewed pen. He looked through the windows into the nearby garage. It was a grey, unadorned box with large windows illuminated in the darkness by the bright lights and laughter within. Inside, the other pilots joked with Duo and Hilde. The three came to L2 often to visit Heero and Duo at Hilde's salvage yard. It was nice. Normally. But their presence this time made Heero feel … uncomfortable in a way he could not understand.

After the war ended, Duo had known he go back to L2 to help Hilde run the salvage yard. Quatre, of course, took over operations of Winner Enterprises. Trowa left the blond boy's side only to visit his sister Catherine at the circus - and even then with visible reluctance to be away from his koi for long. And Wufei was working for the Preventers - happily pursuing justice, no doubt, as well as his partner Sally Po. Heero was the only one who felt he had no home or family to go to. He had never planned on surviving the war, until he met Duo.

He watched the group in the garage, feeling alienated from their cheerful antics. Hilde tugged on Duo's braid, and Heero could see the pilot's mouth shape an "o" of surprise. Wufei snickered behind his hand, while Trowa gently fed Quatre a piece of pizza from the box on the counter. Heero snorted, then stiffened as Duo gave Hilde a quick hug. His vision blurred as Duo hugged each pilot in turn, a big smile broadcasting his happiness at seeing them again. A tear ran down his cheek, only to be wiped away gruffly before Heero bent over his journal in the dim light.

He had starting writing in it over a month ago. It was easier to express his emotions in writing than it was to express them in real life. The journal had become an outlet into which he poured all the angst of his soul. Emotions he didn't understand, that he didn't even know he was capable of expressing, flowed through the pen in a river of thought. Heero caught his lip between his teeth as he began to write.

Your party of five
is four too many
for me. I
turn my eyes
inside, inside
insidious
self-deprecating self-hate.
Seeming
what I'm not
is not an option: bear
my silence,
my hidden
smile,
the Genuine thing
that you
have not
forgotten.
So I stay,
when I would
have snuck away -
but I think about it.
It can't be
always, only me,
even though I
always want
only you.

The pen paused as tears pattered onto the pages of his journal like a gentle rain. Why was he so emotional? What was this strange possessiveness that had taken hold of him? Before Duo … before Duo he had never felt this way. He had never cared about having someone to confide in. A friend. Yes, Duo was his first - his best - friend. `He understood me. Even when I didn't understand myself. He cared. He is the only person who has ever made me feel like a human being .…'

Heero raked a hand through his short, unruly hair and dark bangs fell on his forehead as he touched pen to paper again.

Life didn't begin for me until the end of the war. The peace we'd fought so hard for was realized, and we all went to Hilde's salvage yard on L2 to recoup and decide what to do with our lives. Duo decided to stay and work at the salvage yard, and I stayed as well. I didn't have anywhere else to go. We spent the days hauling and sorting salvaged spoils from the war. It was hard work. One day I was walking with Duo, listening to his litany of life on L2 and what it was like to grow up there. We turned a corner on an unfamiliar street, and suddenly saw a little girl. She was small, her blond hair dusted with the grit of the road, and she carried a puppy in her arms. I froze as she hurried past us. I couldn't help thinking of another little girl, the little girl I met on my first mission. The girl that died because of me. All I could see was the glint of sun on her golden hair; all I could hear was her small voice echoing in my mind. My mind was numb. I don't think I said another word on the way home. I didn't even notice when we arrived at Hilde's and Duo steered me to his room, shutting the door behind us.

Duo was the first person that I told about that day, the girl and her puppy. He didn't tell me that it wasn't my fault. I think he knew that I wouldn't buy that. But he had been through the same things as a soldier. He -

He let me know I wasn't alone. I sobbed into his shoulder that night, and he held me and stroked my back with long, sure fingers. I cried, and he held me. I think he gave me the things that I needed most at that moment - warmth, acceptance, and a way to begin to exorcise the ghosts that haunted my dreams. He brushed my tears away with his fingertips and told me that everything would be all right, everything would be all right.

A tear slid slowly down Heero's cheek, trembling on his chin momentarily before splashing down onto the page of his notebook. He felt haunted by the horrors of the war. He needed that touch, that reassurance that he could live, should live, despite the blood he had shed. He needed Duo. More tears flowed unchecked as the image of a bit of cloth amidst a city of fiery rubble - a bit of a little girl's dress - burned behind his eyes.

Duo's eyes flicked out to the darkness for a moment, as if searching for something or someone. Heero.