Gundam Wing Fan Fiction ❯ Wishful Thinking Book One: The Words I Need to Say ❯ Chapter 1

Disclaimers: Gundam Wing is not mine. No copyright infringement intended. I am not making money out of this. Original part of the fiction is the property and is copyrighted to the author.
Rating: PG
Pairings: 2+1, 3+4, 6+1/1+6, 5+M
Category: AU, Duo POV, shounen ai get-together fic
WARNING: You will be encountering some bad language. The poems are sickeningly SAPPY!
Finished: April 14, 2001 Revised: February 14, 2002
Dedication: This is for Emmy-chan who's been such a great friend.
Notes: This is the whole completed first part of "Wishful Thinking". Up next will be the second book, which is entitled "All Boxed-Up", and will be posted very soon. Lotsa hugs to Emmy-chan, Rime Dragona, Misuzu, Katu, Akuma, and Queli!

~poems~

Title: Wishful Thinking Book One: The Words I Need to Say (Prologue to Chapter Four)
Author: AJ Maxwell ( webmaster@weluvduo.zzn.com )

Prologue

~One step closer to the arms of Death's cousin;
Soundless, heavy sighs come out of parched Cupid's Bow,
Lulled to rest by Sleep's cherubims,
And cacophony the only foe.~ [1]

It's the third day of our graduation practice, which, by the way is still so very boring with no hope of ever being refreshing or different or...just plain un-boring. I really want to graduate so that I can get out of this place already, but practices are making me have second thoughts.

Someone taps me on my shoulder, and I turn around to find Quatre sitting behind me.

"You're not supposed to be there, are you?" I say to him discreetly.

Quatre just waves me off. "Are you really going to give it?"

For a minute my mind draws a blank. It's so boring that my brain's too smart to stay awake. "What?"

"The letter. If you feel that you can't do it, I have connections, you know. I can help and he won't ever know from whom it came from. That's what you want, right?"

I shift in my seat so that our classmates won't have to hear the rest of our conversation. "Yeah. Could you really do that for me, Q?"

He thwaps me lightly with my braid. "Of course. I'm offering, am I not? Besides, the two of you won't be seeing each other anymore after all this," he gestures with his hands, talking about high school.

"Thanks," is all I can say at the moment.

"I'm just humoring you because you're my friend." With that, he sneaks away to go back to his seat.

He doesn't like Heero very much...well, it's not that he has an actual dislike against Heero Yuy; stellar student, team captain of the basketball team, campus heartthrob, no.1 enigma with eyes that can just drown you into them and wrap you around its Prussian light that is so gorgeous you never want to get out...

What am I talking about earlier? Oh right. The only reason that Q disapproves of my feelings for Heero is that Heero is seeing our History teacher during our sophomore year, Milliardo Peacecraft.

I really want to change the topic right about now. I promised myself that I will stop thinking about Heero and his eyes to spare myself of unnecessary hurt--but I still turn my head a bit further to get a view of the people on the back seats, out of impulse. There he is, Heero's unmistakable mop of hair. I feel another sensation from just around my ribs going up to my throat, tickling the corners of my lips into a smile. I shake my head. Three years and things've never changed.

Happy with the world again, I turn back to the stage where Ms. Mitsuyo, the cranky bitch of the week, is giving another heated sermon about punctuality and responsibility.

Give the old maid a boyfriend, anybody?

Chapter One

~I see you everyday at school
In the gym, in the cafeteria, and most especially
I see you, hanging around
The corridor.

Walking around with your friends
Left and right, to and fro--
That's where I always see you;
I would always say, "He's just around the corridor".

That's when I realized
That I've been feeling something inside
Deep in my heart you linger;
A soft petal, goose bumps, or a tender kiss,
Your gentle touch, a morning mist.

Everyday, I yearn for one brief glance of your eyes;
I see them twinkle with mirth, or just stare at the floor;
Then I found myself, roaming the corridor;
My heart in disguise.~ [2]

Okay, now that is sappy.

I'm just rifling through the trash in my room. I've been apathetic about the mess until last night when I tripped on my books during freshman year. That's when I realized that I've been living in a hole that looks like a mutated version of the nearest dumpsite. At least dumpsites are somewhat organized, but look at this mess! I'm already a senior and I still have stuff from first year littering my floor.

I've been meaning to clean all this up--hey, don't raise eyebrows at me. If I know, you're also a procrastinator like me. But I'm just wallowing in the piles of books and magazines, reading the stuff that I wrote back then. Man, if Wufei reads this thing he might throw up and brand me as a lovesick teenybopper girl, which I really am except for the latter. I've been a lovesick teenybopper for three years now...nope, I think it was four.....No, I think it was when..oh shit. Now I'm confused.

This thing with Heero--call it whatever you will, because I myself don't know what the heck it is--started when we were just in fifth grade. I've never noticed him before that, maybe because I was still too...innocent to look at species of the same sex, or maybe because he wasn't as tall and didn't look as gorgeous as he did when we were in fourth grade. Or maybe it's because he wasn't as popular, because I remember that he only began to excel in sports during fifth grade. Pardon me for some grammar/structure misuse. It's obvious that I'm just rambling my head off.

I've liked him since fifth grade, and even if there had been others who caught my attention in between, I've never really stopped craning my neck during assemblies just to catch a glimpse of him. And I've never really stopped asking Quatre to ask Trowa about Heero. Do you need an explanation? Well, Quatre's my all-time best friend, and Trowa's his all-time best friend. It's not that I'm not also Quatre's all-time best friend; it's just that Tro and I aren't all-time best buddies as well. Is everything clear? Oh, and why is it that Trowa's supposed to know things about Heero? It's because Trowa is Heero's all-time best friend, and Q isn't. What can I say? We're some sort of a chain.

Okay, I've rambled that far. Where to pick up? Oh. That poem (of such a low standard compared to my latest ones, I think) is my first poem inspired by Heero. I only started writing when I reached sixth grade, and picked up the hobby to be a passion in seventh grade. That's when I wrote that poem, because of the things I wrote in it.

Hmm. Basically I've been thinking about what to write to Heero. Q's been asking me about the letter, which in truth hasn't materialized yet. I still have to do some soul-searching or something, y'know! And I've been thinking of just writing him a few stanzas, but whenever I write something about him or for him, I start to spout off mushy things that can just make everybody's skin crawl. I can just imagine Fei saying "Eew!" like an onna that he so detests sometimes. Eew. Now that's a scary thought.

What to write, what to write?

I look into my "Whatever the Heck, Etc." notebook, which is usually filled with random, useless stuff, and sometimes an occasional poem. This one I need to clean, too. As I turn its pages, tearing last sem's notes, my eyes fall on something I've written last year.

It's not one of my happier poems.

Chapter Two

~Standing in the rain,
Cold in the raging storm,
Under the fading glow
Of an incandescent lamp;
The asphalt slick against my boots,
Reflecting the amber light
In the darkness of the hidden sun;
The ominous sky lets loose its tears;
Likewise, I cry,
And die
Inside.

Snug in the comforting warmth
Sharing a black umbrella for one
Clothes rustling, shoulders brushing,
Walking in sync across the busy road,
Chatting casually--
So closely
You pass me by,
Oblivious
To the crashing sound of my heart.

You smile at him--I ache,
Tremendously lonely,
Drowning in my unshed tears;
My soul burns In its saltiness.~ [3]

I've never finished this one. I guess I'd been too distracted replaying the scene in my head the night I wrote this. It was raining and the school paper staff chose a really bad time to goof off, and goof off we did until 7 p.m. My older brother Solo had called me on my phone saying that he couldn't pick me up because he was stuck in traffic, and that I should just get my ass back home and to take care. He's annoying and sweet, Solo.

It was the first time that I had my suspicion about them, Heero and Mr. Peacecraft. Basketball practice ended late that night, I presume, and I saw the two of them leaving the campus side by side, sharing an umbrella that Mr. Peacecraft held over them. It was then that the rumors came back to me. People around me always said that Mr. Peacecraft had been trying to pursue Heero even during sophomore year, when he was a new teacher. I didn't believe any of it back then. I just brushed it all off and chalked it up to Mr. Peacecraft just being infatuated over him. It kinda squicked me out some, because let's face it, he's old for guys my age. Still, who wouldn't be infatuated with Heero, I thought. But what I saw that night brought all the rumors I've heard back to the surface.

I had felt like just crawling under my sheets and not come out after five years. When I told Quatre about it, he just told me to forget about Heero and crush on someone else who's also as 'crushable' as Heero. I nearly snorted at that. I mean, there's no one else who's as 'crushable' as Heero, is there? And no one's ever made me smile by just seeing the back of his or her head. Yeesh. I'm pathetic. Do you smile foolishly when you see the back of your crush's head? I must've looked like a psycho. During this time, I didn't listen too much to Quatre whenever he told me to forget Heero Yuy. I just couldn't. I've already tried five times, but it still comes back. It's just hopeless, I guess. I'd entertained my illusions of the two of them being just friends, and that Mr. Peacecraft wouldn't dare do something so...squicky. Well, it is. He's already twenty-six, for god's sake! And his sister's our schoolmate, too! Doesn't he feel like he's hitting on his own sister??

Fanning myself, I am. Yeesh. Now, let me clarify that I'm not angry with Heero and Mr. Peacecraft and that I have nothing against their relationship. It's just that I feel angry with myself because I'm so affected when I should really just forget Heero, that's why I talk that way sometimes. Anyway, oh hey. This one's one of those poems I wrote during Math class. I didn't see him the whole day and I felt like I was a walking zombie with iron balls chained to my hands and feet. Damn, it was horrible.

~I feel empty
Warm and so very cold
Burning up in your freezing absence
Burdened by bricks in the air.

My feet are moving
But they have no direction
I see what's around me, but
My eyes; seeing and unseeing.

I laugh
It sounds so hollow in my ears
In my eyes, unfallen tears
They are not of mirth.

I drift,
My senses in contradiction,
Dwelling in my own personal indefinable space--
Come back to me soon.~ [4]

Hmm...Wufei won't freak out when he reads this. I'll talk to him tomorrow about that letter. For now I'll just...wallow in my thoughts and try to clean this room. Duo Maxwell, signing out indefinitely.

Chapter Three

"Hm. Not too infantile for you, Maxwell."

I sigh. What's gotten into Fei again? "Thank you, Wu-man. You make me feel proud of myself for your generosity of praise," I say dryly. "And you make me want to jump off the nearest tallest building," I add. "Seriously, what do you think?"

He tilts his head towards me, an eyebrow raised. "The poem, or you giving Yuy a letter on graduation day?"

I sigh again. I feel so crappy--is everyone so slow today? "None of that, of course. I was asking you about the weather--of course I was asking about the poem and me giving a letter to Heero. Can't I get a straight answer for once?"

My mild outburst is just brushed aside by Wu, who is always as cool as a cucumber even if Mr. Khushrenada's piling up work after work on the school paper's editor-in-chief (which is him if I still need to say it out loud). "I won't make your head swell further with comments on your writing. I'll just say that, well, you do what you think is best."

"Thank you. That really helps," I say, and I couldn't help make the sarcasm drip like a fricking faucet this time. I rest my feet on the seat before me and lean back. Wufei does the same, but with his usual grace. Damn I can't help thinking myself as sloppy when I'm with him. "You know, this thing of yours for Yuy is really something," he begins, looking at some point in the area of the stage. "I'm not here to tell you what to do about it, if you're supposed to do anything about it or not. We're both old enough--you're old enough to know what to do, and you have good sense so I trust that whatever you choose to do, everything will be okay."

Wow. That's amazing. I'm overwhelmed. Wu, is that you? Is that really you?

I must have been gaping at him because he shot me a small smirk. "I'll leave you here on your own for a while. If you're going ahead with that letter, I think you should start really soon."

I nod at him, smiling at him gratefully. "Meeting Meiran?"

"Yes, I am." He stands up, then adds, "Don't forget the meeting later after dismissal. Mr. Khushrenada will skin you alive if you don't show, and he doesn't accept reasons concerning matters of the heart as an excuse."

I have barely heard him, but I am fully aware of the meeting. Of course I'll show up! Now, time to tackle that letter that's been bugging me the whole week...

I wriggle around in my seat, trying to position myself as comfortably as I can. Man, I wish I can go to my usual spot--that stone bench among the trees in the rock garden of our school--then maybe I can start this thing a bit quicker. I need some inspiration--wait. Inspiration. Why am I looking for inspiration when he's conveniently on the opposite part of the spacious auditorium?

Having settled myself on a position that I like, I look up and focus my eyes discreetly on his profile. He's reading...Harry Potter?[5] I find myself grinning foolishly again. Oh Duo. After graduation you won't be smiling like that anymore...

Suddenly he looks up, and his head turns a bit to my direction. Can't let him catch me! I quickly look down at my notebook and pen, trying to act like I'm so busy writing that I couldn't have been looking at him and enjoying the view of him reading Harry Potter.

He's reading Harry Potter, Year 1. I can't help snickering a little. Has he been so busy that he's just on Year 1? I can't hide my smile anymore. I hope he's not looking--nope. Coast is clear.

Just looking at the back of his head, I've come up with something before recess is done. It's short and not as sappy as the others, but it'll do. It's honest, and it'll serve its purpose.

+

Finally that's over and done with! We've been practicing the proper standing and sitting all afternoon so that we won't miss our cues on graduation day. Our teachers started to act really uncool, too.

"Hey, Quatre!" I call out, racing to get a hold of my friend before he goes home.

"You have something to give to me?" he readily asks, his eyes glinting with aquamarine amusement. I can't help laughing as I feel my cheeks turn a bit red. "Uh yeah," I say while fishing for the letter in one of my knapsack pockets. "Here. Take care of it, 'k?"

"It's in safe hands, Duo. I assure you that this will reach its destination." Then he asks, as if he can't hold off his curiosity any longer. "Did you sign it?"

"No."

Quatre's eyes widen at me. "Why didn't you?!"

I am a bit taken aback. "You think I should sign it?"

"Well, not signing it kind of beats the purpose of giving it, doesn't it?" he asks back, hands on his hips.

"No," I answer carefully. "I don't want him to know that it's from me. I mean, the letter's not really for him, you know. Writing it and giving it to him is, well, really for me. Besides, I don't want to ruin anything between him and Mr. Peacecraft just because of this letter."

"So you're just content to say goodbye to him, then--without him saying goodbye to you, too."

I nod at him. There isn't much to say, anyway.

"Okay. I'll be meeting with Trowa later," he says, slipping the letter into one of his plastic file containers. "Bye, Duo."

"Thanks, Q. Have a safe trip home."

He smiles at me for the last time that day.

Chapter Four

"I can't believe I'm doing this," I grumble to no one in particular for the nth time I've lost count already. Who wouldn't grumble and be totally annoyed with all this stuff?? I'm supposed to be home already and here I am retyping and editing these articles that the other school paper staffers failed to do for their own articles. Shit. Damn. What? I'm supposed to watch my tongue?

"Duo, calm down. Just concentrate and we'll finish this soon enough."

I stop typing. I need the break anyway. "I'm trying, Meiran. It's just that most of these articles don't really have serious errors in them--just typos. It's like it's taunting me or something."

"It's his turn to cook dinner tonight, that's why he's ranting again," says Wufei, who has his eyebrows knit together in concentration.

"Oh no. That, too! Solo's gonna be pissed at me!"

Meiran chuckles at that. "Wufei and I will adopt you the minute Solo disowns you. Don't worry, Duo. Just keep on editing. It's what we're supposed to do, you know."

Her boyfriend wisely keeps quiet--for about ten seconds then starts ranting, "WHAT?! You mean you plan to adopt--"

The two of them starts another one of their bickering sessions.

I sigh, resigned. It is what we're supposed to do. Being one of the editors has its perks, but it surely is an unglamorous task. Unglamorous? Is there a word like that? I'm getting dizzy with staring at this monitor already. "Hey, guys? I'll just go outside and call Solo, okay?"

Oh boy. They're still at it. Bickering, I mean. What did you think?

I go out of the room, where we have the perks of having one computer each, and close the door. I could have just called my brother while inside the room, but Meiran, Wufei, and I, along with the other four editors, were making loud, rapid clacking of keys and I know that Solo wouldn't understand a thing I'd say. Plus, I need some fresh air. I'm sure the others won't miss me.

Even if it's a bit far, I still walk to my favorite spot in the school's garden. There I sit down, and take out my cellphone to call my brother.

"Hello. Solo? Are you busy?...Yeah. Hafta stay a bit late here...You're picking me up? Thanks, man! Okay. Bye."

That done, I'll just...wallow in here a bit longer. As I breathe in the fresh scent of newly cut grass, I see something that I don't really mind seeing, but would really rather not see.

Mr. Peacecraft is several meters on my left side, heading the school's exit. Good. At least he's stopped walking home with Heero. I shamelessly find some comfort in that. I mean, who wouldn't feel uncomfortable seeing a fellow student with his former teacher within the school grounds?

This is a bit weird--he stops. Now why'd he stop? He's taking out his cellphone and...calling someone. Suddenly I hear footsteps walking hastily on my right. I turn, and there he is, talking to someone on his own cellphone, Heero Yuy.

Seeing him--them again like this...I hate this feeling. Why the hell am I feeling this way? I'm supposed to have forgotten Heero for all the times that I've tried to forget him! No, I shouldn't look obvious. I'll just pretend that I'm simply enjoying the air here, where I'm sitting and that I'm really just minding my own business, and that I didn't see them. Yes. I didn't see them. No Heero Yuy or Mr. Peacecraft anywhere around here, nope!

It is then when I'm feeling frantic already that I realize that I have a tiny notebook in my pocket. Great. At least I can pretend that I'm writing something in my usual inspiration-filled place, which isn't exactly inspiration-filled at this moment..I JUST FEEL LIKE DRIVING THE TIP OF MY PEN ACROSS MR. PEACECRAFT'S PRISTINE DESIGNER SHIRT, AND TO TANGLE IT IN HIS OH-SO-NEAT AND SHAMPOO COMMERCIAL QUALITY FRICKING DAMN HAIR!!! Okay, Duo. Breathe. Calm down. Aggression is not an option here. Breathe and count one, two, three...

I've finished counting to one hundred when I look up again, checking if they've already gone. No sign of them. Good. I look at the clean sheet of paper in my notebook, and I'm holding a pen...

~Heart broken too many times,
I cry my last tears;
My kerchief too damp and overused;
I tire of this game.

I am weary of waiting on that stone bench that I once knew,
With blind, hopeful eyes and unwavering faith
In you, yes, I did have faith that you'd one day turn this way--
My way--
But now I move on;
I have waited for too long.

I stand up from my resting place, the bench where I once wrote what my heart used to say,
Where I waited until dark, hoping to catch a glimpse of you,
Where I sat in vigil and wrote another soul's song,
Where I shed a tear or two,
Where I dreamed dreams of you,
Where I smiled and laughed and felt giddy;
I stand and leave this place...

The pages of my book are turning,
And I am ready.

I take my first step into a newer world,
A world where you do not rule,
A world that does not have you as its center, its own gleaming sun;
I turn and walk away, my chin held proud, and a grin on my mouth;
A new sunshine falls upon me.~ [6]

"Maxwell!"

I almost jump at the sound of Wufei's irate voice. Oops. How long have I been here? I turn around to find--uh-oh it's not just Wu. The main man is with him.

"Mr. Maxwell," our moderator speaks calmly, "get yourself back inside and finish those articles, or else..." and here comes his favorite line, "I will skin your ass."

I shudder at the thought of Mr. Khushrenada's hands on me. Just hearing his words really is threatening, and if you think about it, disgusting. He's really a cool teacher, but whenever he says that as a threat or something...I hate to say this because it sorta makes me sound like a bratty girl but yuck. YUCK. There. I feel a bit better.

+

I'm typing those articles again. Hm. Should I still give Heero the letter? It's clear from what I've seen earlier that they really are together, so what's the point? Oh, there isn't any, because didn't I say to Q that 'I don't want to ruin anything between him and Mr. Peacecraft just because of this letter'? But still...

I think I don't want Heero to know anymore. Just leave him like that, not knowing. It's useless, anyway. Why give it? As much as I don't want to ruin things between them, I admit that there's also a part of me that wishes, even just a little, that there could be something between us. This is so...I hate this day. Better call Quatre soon. He doesn't have to deliver any letter tonight. Or maybe I can ask Wufei to call him up. Wu's already done and he and Meiran's just sticking around for me.

"Wu?"

"What?"

I type continuously, lest he cracks a whip, or something. "Could you please call up Quatre and tell him that the plan's over?"

"You mean...the letter?"

"Yeah. The phone's in my pocket."

"...You sure?"

"Yes."

I barely hear the beeps as Wufei pushes on the buttons. It's over. This thing for Heero, I'm really going to end.

I'm really going to end it. No more ifs, no more buts. Goodbye, Heero Yuy. I'm setting myself free.

"Duo?"

"Huh?" I almost didn't hear him. "What'd he say?"

"Quatre said that he already gave it to Trowa."

I am so not hearing this.

"And that Trowa's left to give it to Heero."

I am so NOT hearing this. "But Trowa's supposed to give it to him tomorrow and not tonight!"

Wufei talked further with Quatre, then he relayed the message to me, "He said he already tried contacting Trowa, but his calls wouldn't come through. Network lag or something."

Or something. Darn. "Okay, Wu. Thanks."

Wufei must've noticed something about me, because he asks, "Duo? Is there anything wrong?"

I try to smile, still typing. "No. Everything's peachy."

It's Meiran's gentle pat on my shoulder that set me off. I just..I HATE this day! I really, really really really hate this day!

I barely hear Wu and Meiran try to soothe me with their words. This day is so...damn it. I wish I didn't wake up and go to school this morning. I hate crying, most of all just because of Heero Yuy. Just who is he, anyway?!

+

~Waiting, looking out my window
I see the stars shine, the moon bathing the earth with its silver, shimmering light
I sit here, my arms keeping me warm
I'm still cold inside.

The clock strikes twelve,
I didn't even hear it
My lids are heavier; there's no sign of you
I shouldn't fall asleep.

But when you do come, and I, fast asleep on this couch
Kindly take the covers to keep me warm
And in the morrow, I'll know
You came, and I won't be cold anymore.~ [7]

I open my eyes. Bad day, bad dream. Why is it that even in the dreamscape he still follows me around? I was dreaming about him again, waiting for him while sitting on my favorite spot in the garden, then sitting at home alone. I really don't like this.

I get up from my bed and walk towards the open window. Funny, I never keep it open. Either I don't like bugs or burglars dropping in on me while sleeping. I look up at the moon, silver and so bright. Usually, seeing the moon like this lifts up my spirit, but not tonight. I feel like the moon's taunting me with its light...sigh. What am I thinking?

It's going to be okay. I didn't sign it, anyway. How would he know? He'll never know whom it came from. It'll just give him this confused look that makes him look so cute--wait! Don't go there, Duo! Think other thoughts! Heero isn't cute, he isn't, he isn't.

He'll never know that it's from me. And even if he does, for some unlikely reason, then it will be impossible for him to confront me tomorrow. We don't belong in the same line and we're at opposite ends of the whole graduation march processional. It'll be impossible. Really.

. e n d b o o k o n e .

Endnotes:

[1] From "The Graduation Blues"
[2] "On The Corridor", written October 20, 1998
[3] "You Broke My Heart Last Night", written July 31, 2000
[4] "My Emptiness", written July 26, 2000
[5] Harry Potter by J.K. Rowling I suggest you read it.
[6] From "The Stone Bench Poems"
[7] "The Wait", written June 24, 1999