InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Because I Have To ❯ Tears of a Demon ( One-Shot )

Because I have to—A story in Sesshoumaru's perspective

 

You'll never know how guilty I feel about how you're treated. You'll never know how responsible I feel for your reckless behavior or how much I want to stop you when you and that human girl go off on some life-and-death mission at your own expense. You'll never know, because I'll never let you.

Maybe it's because I'm afraid. Every proper demon hates hanyou, after all. I should e no different, even if that hanyou is my baby brother. But I'm not. I don't hate anyone, really, with the small exceptions of those blasted wolves that killed Rin so that I had to bring her back and all those idiot humans who ever called you a monster or told your mother “death would be easier on the boy.” Them I want to send to the fieriest pits hell has to offer, because they've hurt the ones I love.

Love is a tricky thing as well. I can remember telling my mother that I loved my Yasha-toutou like everyone else and getting slapped and lectured for it.

“You're a full-blood,” Mother scolded. “Don't associate yourself with dirt like your father's mistake.” Mistake. She said you were a mistake, spitting the word out as if it made her mouth sting. Ever the dutiful child, I agreed and thereafter acted as if you were never worth my time. I barked at you whenever you came within ten feet of me. I made threats on your life with words neither of us understood until we were older. And every time I did, my soul shriveled a little more into a tiny black ball of guilt and internal torture. By the time I was fourteen, I had little to no conception of what could've been if I hadn't listened to my mother and took you in as my brother.

Year fourteen was also when I remember really meeting you. We'd known each other through childhood, though in my mind it was more knowing of you than really knowing you. I was passing through your home village as a nomad and watched you playing at night with that little red ball of yours, all alone, no one but your mother even around. You had even fewer friends than I, and it sickened me. An adorable child shunned because of his father's birthright as a demon, friendless because of where his ears perched. Cruelty comes in all forms, I suppose.

You saw me watching you from behind a tree and your eyes lit up. You were so happy to see me, even thought I was never anything but cruel to you. You came sprinting over in a flurry of fluffy white hair and hugged me with a squeal of, “Sesshoumaru-ainki!”

It hurt. I wanted o much to hug you back and tease you with a similar squeal of, “Yasha-toutou!” and ask how you and your mother were, but my training as the heartless, unfeeling older half-brother kicked in first.

“Get off me,” I snapped, pushing you away. You stumbled backwards and blinked up at me with those wide amber-colored eyes, bottom lip trembling slightly and head tilted to one side in confusion. I turned away from you and looked up at the moon as an excuse not to watch you anymore to not see the sheen of tears forming across your eyes. The moon was full and white in the sky, illuminating the garden around us and making the subtle silver streaks in your hair shine like Father's long mane.

I suddenly felt tiny fingers curling around the hem of my kimono sleeve and then two gentle tugs to earn my attention. I looked down to see you gazing up at in me innocent sadness with those big brown eyes.

“Aniki,” you whispered, sounding as though you were trying not to cry. “Aniki…ano…why do you hate me so much?”

I turned away again, throwing you off my sleeve, feeling close to tears myself. That question was the one I'd hoped you'd never get the courage to ask me, because I could answer honestly or dishonestly and neither one would save your tears.

You ran away from me, picking up your ball, and met up with your mother, complaining in a sniffly voice that you were tired and wanted to go to bed. Your mother, that heartbreakingly beautiful human woman who stole Father's heart away and made him so much happier than my own mother, smiled softly and cradled you to her chest, agreeing that this was too late for her little koinu to be up. She looked at me briefly and nodded her head; I bowed in response and watched as my baby brother was carried away from me into a childhood and life of resenting my existence. I wanted a tree to fall on me in that garden and crush out my pitiful life, if only to let you grow up happily.

I gave you your answer that night, though you never heard me. I finally got up the courage to say the words a long while after you had been carried off to bed. The reason why I hate you so, my dear spirited, spunky Yasha-toutou? Because I have to.

 

~Owari~

2/25/05 KLG

 

*Hanyou-“Half-demon”

*Toutou-“little brother”

*Aniki-“big brother”

*Ano-“uh”, “um”, “er”, et cetera

*Koinu-“puppy”