InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Father's Favorite ❯ Gossip Folks ( Chapter 11 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Hiya! Sorry that it's been another long while and I bet you guys just couldn't wait until I came out with my next chapter! Well, here it is! Read it, like it, or die! (playing as always!)

Several hours later, Sesshomaru still hadn't found any of the rosachi-mili-fulicarmus that Kaede needed. He stopped and wiped his forehead. "Damn, it's hotter than two rats gettin' booty in a wool sock out here!" Luckily, there was a resturant in the village that he was traveling by. Despite the fact that it was a human village, he went in. Besides, at one point he used to rule over it all anyways.

Taking a seat near the back, he waited until someone came to present him with a menu. While waiting, he examined himself in a small hand mirror he carried in his pocket. "Ugh, look at this face. It's so beautiful, it's disgusting. Slap yourself, you dirty whore! You dirty, dirty whore!" Something in the reflection of the mirror caught his attention and he put it down. The waiter was there, bowing on the floor. "You know, unless you just came from the pen, you might want to get off the floor like that. That short kimono you're wearing shows everything. And I mean everything. Like, if I wanted to, I could lean a little this way, yep, like so, and see, oh, how about your--dude, why the fuck arn't you wearing any draws?!" He shook his head and snatched the menu from him.

"Let's see...I'll have the roast duck with the mango salsa." He was about to close the menu when something else caught his attention. "No, wait, change that. This salmon Rockefeller sounds kinda...kinky. I'll have this. Oh, and afterward, I'd like a slice of ya'lls better than sex cake. That way I'll be able to look back after my first time and say, "You know, that cake really is better than sex!" The man bowed silently, then rose. As he was about to leave, Sesshomaru stopped him. "Damn! When you stand, you can still see everything! Ah, that shit's disgusting! And when you walk, you kick 'em!" He turned his head away and gagged. The man left.

A/N: Did anyone catch where I got Sesshomaru's first choice of food from? Any guesses? Hint, it's a commercial that still shows to this date, though it's starting to get on in it's years. Still anyone in the dark? Another hint, it's a car insurance commercial. How about reviewing and telling me what your guess is? Or, how about I quit being a bitch and just tell ya'll? It's a Geico commercial, the second one in this new on-going series of the "It's so easy, a caveman can do it" story. Also, as for the second thing he ordered, it's something that I had at resturant and loved ever since (so yeah, it's not a meal I made up!) Anyways, back to the show!

A few minutes later, the waiter came back and set the platter with the salmon down next to him. Sesshomaru gave it an odd look, sniffed it, then cocked his head to the side. "What is this shit? You call this food?!" He wolfed down the plate's contents with his bare hands, then swiped it off the table and into a wall, breaking it. "I refuse to pay! Now bring me my better than sex cake!" The waiter bowed and scurried off. "And you better have some underwear on, a thong, something when you get back!" Sesshomaru called after him.

Seconds later, he came back, drawless. Once again, Sesshomaru sniffed the food. Then he pulled back his head and blinked a few times. Sniffing it again, the dug into the moist desert with his fingers, licking them loudly and smacking. When the cake was gone, he picked up the plate and licked it clean, dog style (not doggy!). That finished, the threw that plate into the wall like a discus. "And that was supposed to be better than sex?! Well, it was good, but I ain't paying for it either!" He got up in a huff. "Good day to you sir." He pulled out a $100 bill and flicked it at him. "Here, go buy you some underwear with that. The good kind, like boxers, don't buy none of that dollar shit that's supposed to last six months but you keep 'em for eight years." Like I do.

Leaving the resturant, he continued on through the village. Near the far end of it, and situated near the back, he could smell herbs being boiled. "Perhaps this is where I can find all of Kaede's things." Pulling back the straw mat hanging from the doorway, he entered. An elderly woman who looked to be about the same age as the priestess was sitting in front of the pot that was boiling the water. Off to the side was a large crystal ball. An herbalist and a soothsayer (fortune teller). This oughtta make things interesting. He strode across the room and rudely sat down without being asked do. Yeah, that's how you do it, just don't give a fuck.

But the woman didn't seem to mind. In fact, she seemed to brighten at his sudden intrusion. "Well, hello there dearie! I'm just making me up a batch of some good old fashion cough syrup. Would you like to try it out for me?" Sesshomaru peeked into the pot and looked at the dark, bubbling contents. It neither looked nor smelled like cough syrup. Truthfully, it seemed like she had put moss, seaweed, and somebody's foot fungus all together. He wrinkled his nose and said, "No, I believe I'll leave your mystery concoction for you to try." She shrugged, then spooned out a bit.

As soon as the contents were down her throat, she fell into spasms. "Aw, no! Why the old hag gotta die on me?!" Sesshomaru wailed. The woman choked, spluttered, then fell on the floor in a very weird position, her left hand pulling down the bottom of her left eye, her right hand tugging at the corner of her mouth, exposing gums. Sesshomaru crept closer. "I could use Tetseiga. I could...But I also could just leave and say I saw nothing." He stretched out his arms nonchalantly, then was about to stand when the woman stirred. A moment later, she sat up and went back to stirring the pot as though nothing had happened.

"My that's a pretty good brew! You sure you don't want none?" Sesshomaru was all but prepared to have a heart attack at the woman's sudden resuscitation. He mutely shook his head. She shrugged again. "Well, at least let me tell you your furtune. You seem as though you've traveled from afar. Are you from the continent?" Sesshomaru raised an eyebrow. "Do I look like I came from the continent?" The woman squinted at him. "Ye's eyes are not as good as they used to be." "Oh come on now! A blind person could have told you that I'm a native Japanese, born and raised, on the battle field is where I spend most of my days. Chillin out maxin' and relaxin' all cool and all and shootin' some b-ball outside of the school when a couple of demons who were up to no good, started making trouble in my neighborhood. I got in one small fight and my pops got scared he said "You're gonna learn how to fight cause I can't have no bitch as my heir." He stopped the song there.

A/N: Liked my feudal Japan remix to the theme song of Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Don't know what composed me to write that, but then again, what composes me to write any of the stuff I have? Well, continue reading!

The woman shook her head. "Well, I don't know about all of that, but still my question remains. Do you want your future told?" Sesshomaru sighed. "Ah, what the hell. Might as well. Maybe I can find out if dad change's his mind about the damn hanyou being lord of the western lands." They walked over to the crystal ball and she took up her place behind it, him on the other side. "Azarath...metrion...synthose!" She muttered under her breath while waving her hands around the ball.

A/N: Yeah, another one of these. Anyone catch where I got the woman's chant? If you don't watch cartoons (Cartoon Network), then you probably are clueless as to her words. I won't say it here, you'll have to wait till next chapter! Yeah, ain't that a bitch!

A white smoke clouded the ball and figures could be distinguished from inside it. Sesshomaru leaned closer. "Oh, my! Oh, dear! Why, that's quite extrodinary!" She exclaimed. "What, what, what?!" Sesshomaru said, jogging his knee to keep calm. "My, I see...I see...I see a life of hardship ahead of you. Or is that what's happening now? Anyways, you have a dark scenario lying ahead of you. First, you will eat a vanilla pudding!" Sesshomaru stopped his fidgeting. "What?! What's supposed to be so dark about that?" "You're alergic to vanilla pudding!" she said in a low whisper. "Oh. And here I am having cravings for it. Go on."

She continued to brush her fingers along the globe. "You will be forced to watch things like Oprah, Tyra Banks, Dr. Phil, and Maury everyday!" Sesshomaru sucked in his breath. "No!" "Yes! And that's not even the worst of it! The worst of it is...You'll like it!" "Nooooooooooo!" Sesshomaru screeched. He picked up the crystal ball and threw it across the room, smashing it to peices. A dead silence fell on the room. "Kami, dammit boy! Do you know what a good crystal ball costs these days?! They're frickin' expensive! I had to get that one from the black market!" "Arn't things from the black market generally higher in price?" Sesshomaru asked. "Don't patronize me!" she screamed at him. He simply raised an eyebrow at her.

"Look, if you didn't like your future, there are two ways to change it." She reached behind her and produced two things that were small enough to fit in each hand. Opening one, she said, "You can either choose to take the red pill and erase all that I've told you while going about your simplistic life eating vanilla pudding and watching talk shows. Ooorrrr..." And here she opened up her other hand. "You can take the green pill and walk the path of destiny that calls you and become The Chosen One." Sesshomaru stared at her. "Do I look like Keanu Reves? Do I look like my name is Neo? And what if I decide not to take either pill, oh mighty Oracle? What if I just continue down my own road of destiny? And those arn't even real pills! They're Mike N' Ike's!" She gave a shrug and popped them in her mouth.

"Oookay then," He said, getting up. "Look, I had a lot of fun. Maybe I can come back another time and we can do this all again? No? Well, that's okay, didn't really like this place anyways." The woman blinked at him but said nothing. "Oh, before I forget. I was wondering if you have any rosachimilifulicarmus." The woman sighed warily and handed a large elephant leaf looking plant to him. "Take it and leave at once." "Why can't I leave at twice?" Sesshomaru countered, not making any sense. He pulled the list of things out from a sleeve pocket of his kimono and handed it to her.

A few moments later, she slid a pack of herbs and small trinkets toward him. "Except for the monkey knuckles on the list, you have everything. Now, leave at once." Sesshomaru bowed sarcastically and left.

Out on the streets, he wondered where he could get monkey knuckes. "Naraku wears a baboon pelt. Perhaps the hands are still on it? And if so, would he be willing to part with its hands? Besides, running around dressed like a baboon is just...nasty!" He knew the difference between a monkey and a baboon, but figured that since they belonged to the same family, it wouldn't really matter. Would it? He shrugged for the umpteenth time that day and set out to look for Kaede's last item, the monkey knuckles.


Personally, I believe this chapter lacked in humor from my normal amount. Sorry, another hard chapter for me! No, school's not so much the reason right now, I guess I'm just going through a blue period. Some small notion in the deep recessess of my mind said to just quit writing, but how messed up would that be to do something like that in the middle of a story?! But I want to finish, and I want to finish this story in a very good way, so I'ma stick this out! I'm asking everyone to bear with me if I don't have a continuous updating consistancy or if my chapters lack...depth? Also, though I have my next chapter kind of mapped out, I still wouldn't mind hearing your ideas! Oh, and pretty, pretty please don't get mad if I don't always use them! People have given me great ideas and sometimes, their idea led to me creating another good one! So, don't be discouraged, I might just fit your idea into a later part of the story or in another story entirely! (that's directed to you, Kannachan!) Anyways, enough of my ramblings. So, as the norm for right here is, review and tell me what you thought. And try to see if you know where I got the old woman's magical words from!