How Do I Deal?

A/N: These are the reflective thoughts Kagome has while searching for shards. And yes, these are all a result of having run into Kikyo... again.

Disclaimer: I don't own Inu Yasha and Co. or the song How Do I Deal?, but I do however own a copy of the song that I downloaded...in short don't sue cos you'll get squat.

Sunrises are always so much prettier here for some reason... Probably because you can actually see them, Kagome mused. She was back in the Feudal Era, still searching for shards of the Shikon no Tama. For some reason she woke earlier than usual, and it annoyed her. I hate not being able to sleep, but at least I can watch this beautiful sunrise. Maybe today will go more smoothly than yesterday.

Everyday I wake up to another day gone by
Nothing but the open roads and a never-ending why

The others woke up shortly afterward, Shippo first only because Kagome's movements woke him from his slumber. Kagome then heard a rustling in the bushes behind her. She tensed automatically, preparing to launch herself toward her bow and arrows. She turned slowly and saw that it was only Kirara returning from her morning patrol. Kagome arched her brows, waiting for Kirara's signal of danger, but it did not come. Kirara simply curled up against Sango and fell asleep, purring softly. No trouble for a change. Kagome allowed herself to relax, the adrenaline slowly draining from her veins. Even though she was glad for a chance to relax, she felt somehow cheated, and tried to stifle her sudden longing for action.

Anything can happen, yeah, but nothing ever does

Kagome got up to put away her sleeping bag, which was more difficult a task than it looked. She was still very sore from last night's training. Sango had agreed to train Kagome so she wouldn't feel so helpless when she didn't have her bow and arrows. Plus, Kagome thought, I always feel guilty with Inu Yasha having to rescue me all the time. But then again...

I try to change, it's kinda strange
Same as it ever was

Inu Yasha... Just then, the subject of her thoughts dropped down from a nearby tree. That's funny, I've been up for almost an hour and I'm only now see--. Kagome's thought cut itself short. She knew where he was-- Kikyo, she knew, without a doubt in her mind.

But look at us
How do I deal with you?
How do I deal with me?

I just don't understand sometimes. I know he feels responsible for her death. I understand the need to seek revenge for her death. But I don't understand how he's willing to let her drag him to Hell with her. And why do I have these thoughts? I know I said I'd always stand by his side, but why am I doing it? Are the feelings I have for Inu Yasha mine, or are they just a side effect of being Kikyo's reincarnation...?

When I don't even know myself,
Or what it is you want from me...
How do I deal with us?
How do I know what's real,
When I don't even trust myself
Or what it is I feel?
And how do I deal?

The day dragged on like most days in the Sengoku Jidai usually do. No shards found today. The only eventful occurrence was the brief run-in with Kouga, but even that was uneventful because Inu Yasha's mind was occupied with other things. He didn't even fight over me...I guess he really does want to get dragged to Hell with Kikyo after all....

Kagome tried to sleep that night, but she found it difficult with all the events of the last few days buzzing around in her mind.

Every night in the dark, I lie awake in bed
How am I supposed to dream, with all the static in my head?

I don't know if I can stay. I know I have to reassemble the Shikon No Tama, but that's getting harder to do with every day that passes. He doesn't see me as Kagome, he sees me as a reflection of Kikyo. Gods, I wish this was all over with! Maybe if I had just given him that stupid jewel in the first place, I'd be able to just move on with my life...

Torn in all directions and I pray for some relief
What can I do but feel the weight I'm underneath
And grit my teeth?

Unbeknownst to Kagome, a certain hanyou was sitting in a tree watching her inner conflict play out. Sure, he didn't know that it was about him, but the fact that she wasn't sleeping when she usually did was enough to start a nagging twinge of concern. He observed her restless fiddling with Shippo's fluffy tail, and wondered why he would be bothered by her behavior. He gave up after a bit, resigning himself to just be concerned and leave it at that. He had other things to think about. Besides, he thought, better worrying about her than Kikyo... Wait-- did I just think that?

Kagome shifted in her sleeping bag, and saw Inu Yasha staring at her. She blinked. "Everything alright?" she asked him.

"Yeah, yeah, now get some sleep. We got a long day tomorrow." And with that, he moved up another branch.

Kagome watched him settle in for the night. Maybe he does care... I don't know anymore. I mean, is what I'm feeling love? Or is it just a strong "like"? Mou, I'm so confused these days....

How do I deal with you?
How do I deal with me,
When I don't even know myself
Or what it is you want from me?
How do I deal with love?

Maybe it would be better if I really did stay in my own time... but, even there I feel so... incomplete. I don't really feel at home there anymore... at least, not as much as I used to....

(Why do I) Why do I have to choose?
Everybody's telling me what the hell I have to do
And how do I deal with us.
How do I know what's real,
When I don't even trust myself, Or what it is I feel?
And how do I deal?
(How do I deal with you?) How do I deal with you,
When I don't even know myself, or what it is you want from me?
(How do I deal with love?) How do I deal,
(Why do I have to choose?) When everybody's telling me what the hell I have to do?

And how do I deal? With that thought, Kagome drifted off into a not-so-peaceful sleep, hoping that tomorrow would give her a fresh perspective on her situation.

Owari


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