InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Revelation, Realization & Redemption ❯ chapter 12 ( Chapter 12 )

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha or any of its characters they are the property of Rumiko Takahashi. This story was written for the purposes of entertainment and I by no means will profit from the story other than the satisfaction of exercising my imagination and writing abilities.

 

Chapter 12: A Still Troubled Heart

 

Inuyasha woke to the same feelings that he had closed his eyes to: disbelief, gratitude and an overwhelming sense of dread. Last night had taught him more in a matter of moments than he had been able to learn in a lifetime. Never, in his life had anyone given him so much and asked for so little in return. His traitorous heart still reveled in the warm feeling that knowing that Kagome loved him had given him. His conscience felt guilty at accepting something he couldn't hope to pay back. Even more than that was his dread that this was temporary. He had learned only too well that good things never lasted.

 

Every time he had glimpsed love and tasted a small portion of what it felt like, it was ripped away from him. His mother died protecting him, his father had arrived too late to save her. All he had left were the memories of his mother. Katsume was beautiful, he remembered that. Inuyasha had adored his mother, had felt safe with her. In his childish innocence he thought it would last forever. It hadn't lasted very long. Although countless years have gone by his heart still missed her and it still yearns for the tenderness and care she had shown him. That no one else had shown him, until now, until Kagome.

 

After Katsume died Inuyasha lived with his father and brother. It had been an eye-opening experience where he had come to terms with the harsh reality of who he was. Half human half demon, he hadn't truly belonged there. In fact he felt like he was his father's dirty little secret that no one could know about. Eventually he came to the realization that he was not only unwanted, he was unlovable. The humans hated him because he was half demon. Other demons looked down upon him because he was half human and obviously inferior. After he had come to that realization Inuyasha convinced himself that his mother only loved him because she had to. It was duty not affection that motivated her care. She could not have truly cared for him, his memories were wrong, the product of his human self pity.

 

By then he had learned from his father that duty outweighed any emotion. That love and sentiment were for the weak. His mother could not have been weak if she were mated to his father. Therefore she could not have ever possessed those weaker emotions. He pushed aside his human emotions, concluding that his weaker human side had conjured these tender memories of his mother to undermine his demon side and make him weak. For years he would ignore the overwhelming feeling of isolation and loneliness that dwelt in the dark recesses of his battered heart. Ignoring its silent cries for affection of any kind, he refused to acknowledge their existence.

 

“I'm a demon. I don't need emotions or sentiment. Those feelings are for weak humans. I won't give in.” had been his mantra on many a lonely desolate night as he settled in to a tree top. Eventually He truly believed that he was finally beyond his heart's need for the softer human emotions. Alone, needing to count on no one but himself, Inuyasha had been able to cast these thoughts aside. It had been easy since he had come to realize that no one would ever be easy around him simply because of what he was: a hanyou. He was destined to be an outcast until he could prove himself. He would become the son his father deserved; strong and emotionless.

 

Then he met Kikyo. And everything changed. For a brief time he was happy. Once again there was love in his life. His hungry heart more than welcomed the tender feelings offered by the priestess. She understood him. Inuyasha knew it, because Kikyo had told him how lonely she was. How isolated she had been from the world. He thought he had found a kindred spirit in her. Only too readily he had agreed to use the Shikon no Tama to become human. It had been with his entire being that he pledged to take her as his mate when he did so. Together they would no longer be alone. In each other they would find the love that had been denied to them for so long. How wrong they had been.

 

Destiny, fate or the gods, whoever the forces at work in his life were had other plans for them. Their love had evaporated almost as quickly as it came into being; changed in an instant from love to hate, from faith to disbelief, from trust to suspicion. When they met again it was as enemies. Inuyasha had been sealed to a tree by her arrow. Kikyo had died believing Inuyasha had inflicted her fatal wounds. Both of them had closed their eyes feeling that singular mixture of hurt, anger, bitterness and hatred that only those whose illusions of love had been shattered could feel. For the two of them this devil's brew of emotions had been magnified a thousand times over as neither of them gave their hearts or trust easily.

 

Kagome had broken Kikyo's spell and freed him from the arrow that had bound him to that tree for 50 years. Over time her faith in him had proved unshakable. Last night had proven Kagome's love was just as unshakable as her faith. Inuyasha could not comprehend it at all. He was still amazed that someone like her could care about let alone love someone like him. Inuyasha knew he really hadn't done much to deserve such tender feelings from her. She gave them to him anyway. He couldn't even begin to understand why and he dared not question it any further. Inuyasha knew that he should just be thankful and take it for what it was. Savor it while it lasted. Kagome would leave when this was over, returning to her time where she belonged. Soon enough he would be alone once more and the emptiness that had been would be his once more.

 

No, he wouldn't be alone. His mind reminded him of his promise to Kikyo. There would be a place for him in hell by her side, where he would relive that fateful day over and over again. For the rest of eternity he would experience the anguish, betrayal and anger he felt as he tore through the village. At the time it had been the only way he knew to express his feelings. Inuyasha had been so blinded by hurt and rage at Kikyo's betrayal, as well the anger he felt towards himself for foolishly believing in her love. Life had already taught him love was not something that he would ever know, and he had been foolish enough to believe that it had been his. He remembered the look in her eyes as she sealed him to the tree. The hate and anger directed at him burning in their ebony depths. He would see that look for the rest of eternity. No longer would it be confined to the nightmares that plagued his nights. Soon it would be his reality.

 

Kagome had said that even his going to hell wouldn't stop her from loving him, nor would it sever the tie between them. He wanted so badly to believe her. But he knew better. He had seen firsthand that love didn't last. Just like all human emotions it lasted but a blink of an eye, a mere instant in the eternal time that was the universe. Feelings were forgotten almost as quickly as they came, a hundred years from now only the facts would remain.

 

Love was just another one of these fleeting human feelings. It came into your life and illuminated it for a brief period of time. Showering you in light and warmth, and then it would be over. Then darkness would come. The cold loneliness would fill the nights. The heartless knowledge that there was only yourself you could count on, that no one would be there anymore. He had experienced it firsthand. And he remembered it whenever he looked into Kikyo's eyes.

 

“Hey, Inuyasha, can you give me some help?” Miroku's voice pulled him from his thoughts.

 

Only too grateful for a distraction from where his thoughts had wandered Inuyasha hopped down from the tree. Hopefully there was demon to slaughter or a shard to track down, he needed a distraction. So he was both disappointed and annoyed to find that Miroku wanted him to get the food from Kagome's pack without waking her up.

 

During breakfast it was evident that Sango was still angry with him. In fact Inuyasha realized that the taijiya was angry at the both of them. He couldn't figure out what Miroku had done, but decided he didn't really care to know. Whatever it was he was sure it had something to do with the monk's wandering hands. He knew why the taijiya was mad at him, and part of him couldn't blame her. But another part of him was annoyed. Whatever was between Kagome and him was between the two of them. As far as he was concerned it wasn't any of her business and he wasn't about to tell her anything.

 

They ate in silence. Inuyasha looked around at the group of them. A young human child, a kitsune, a taijiya, a monk and a hanyou all sitting down eating in relative harmony, unlikely companions let alone allies, they were bound together by a common goal: the destruction of the demon Naraku. They all had their own reasons for being here.

 

 

Amber eyes rested on the monk. Miroku was cursed. The monk had inherited the hole in his hand from his father. It had been his grandfather that Naraku had originally cursed. Miroku had seen his father consumed by the void in his hand. He knew his fate could be the same. Eventually the wind tunnel would consume Miroku as well. Miroku's very existence depended upon their success in finally defeating the demon. Naraku would need to be destroyed to remove the curse, and the monk meant to see that he was, not only for his own survival, he also sought vengeance for the fates of his father and grandfather.

 

Inuyasha's glance landed on the taijiya. Sango was here for vengeance as well. Naraku had lured Sango, her father, her brother and many of her comrades to a castle where they were all killed at her brother's hand. Kohaku had been possessed when he had slain them. Sango had to fight her brother as well, she was the only survivor. Naraku also all but led a horde of demons to attack their defenseless village. An entire group of people were dead, a culture destroyed and permanently removed from this earth, all but Sango. If she fell, Naraku's victory would be complete and the taijiya would walk this land not more.

 

She also hoped to be able to save her brother from Naraku's grasp. The bastard had used a jewel shard to re-animate Kohaku's body. Even more heinous than that he had tried to pit Sango against her brother again, in an attempt to further fuel the Shikon No Tama with evil energy. Sango's love for her brother had overcome this attempt. The taijiya had been willing to die to save her brother from his fate. Now she traveled with them in search of the bastard who caused her so much suffering. She sought justice.

 

Inuyasha understood only too well Sango's emotions. But unlike Sango he hadn't been strong enough to resist the fight. He had given in. As far as Inuyasha was concerned he would never forgive Naraku his part in separating him and Kikyo. How could he when he couldn't even forgive himself.

 

Amber eyes flicked between Shippo and Rin. The youngsters were too young to really be caught up in the fervor the adults were. Both of them had been affected by the jewel as well. Through no fault of their own these innocent children were here with the group, orphans, just two more victims of the power struggle that rocked the land. They truly had no where else to go, and they had all become a family to these youngsters. And out of all of them the two of them looked to Kagome for the comfort and love that their young hearts so desperately needed.

 

His gaze strayed to where Kagome lay sleeping. Kagome always told everyone she was here because she broke the jewel. Inuyasha knew it was more than that. Yes, a part of her had felt guilty for breaking it but he alone knew it was more than that. He had witnessed it first hand. She had been sent back to her time, trapped because Yura had stolen the piece of the jewel. She had been sitting at her home eating when he had come back for her. Kagome had been angry at him for something, he couldn't remember what, and she had refused to come.

 

Inuyasha couldn't blame her. As far as he had been concerned at the time the girl was worthless. Kagome had not shown any of the power that Kikyo possessed. Sure there had been moments where there had been a glimpse of those powers, but they weren't something that she had been in control of. He had seen her archery skills first hand, or lack thereof and had been certain the girl would have been more of a liability than anything else. Yet she could see things no one else could. Inuyasha had come back to get her for that very reason.

 

She had stood there, midnight eyes glaring at him in defiance, daring him to make her go back. Then she had seen the invisible hair. Somewhere in her mind Kagome had known what it meant. The expression in her midnight eyes changed immediately. In an instant the defiance and anger were replaced with determination and love. The look in her eyes sparked something in him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he had seen that look in someone else's eye, but not in stormy midnight ones in tender soft brown eyes. Whose he was no longer certain as the memory had been long buried just outside the edges of his conscious thoughts. When Kagome spoke he could feel her love and determination. He could feel the strength of her conviction when Kagome had decided to go back with him. Despite her inability to truly do anything she had decided to abandon her home and comfort so her family would be safe.

 

It had been at that moment that the memory of his mother's death returned to him full force. Resurrected from the depths of his secret heart, once again in the realm of his conscious thought, it had been given back to him by this young girl. Kagome had unknowingly given him a gift even then. She had restored his mother to him. And for that he had decided he would protect her with his life if need be. So he had given her his haori.

 

As time went on, Kagome had only become more determined to piece the jewel back together. Her family was safe in the future, she had not suffered personal injury from Naraku, yet here she was. Kagome fought because she knew it was the right thing to do. There was no vengeance on her part, just a sense that she had the power to help them do what was right. That's what kept her here.

 

Inuyasha never doubted that Kagome loved them all and he knew without her they would have all been alone in their quests. It was in that moment that he realized that it wasn't their hatred for Naraku that bound this unlikely group of misfits. It was their love for Kagome. She had brought them together, given comfort and love to each of them when they needed it the most. They all were there fighting side by side to protect her. It had always been that way.

 

Again she had shown him the answer. Inuyasha shook his head in silent disbelief. How many times had he figured out some elusive truth or other thanks to Kagome. There were too many times to name. This however was the second time in their acquaintance that she had unknowingly inspired him.

 

“Sesshomaru!!!” he heard the young girl cry out. Inuyasha groaned. Not today of all days. He turned his back, not wanting to see his brother. Inuyasha had known that the taiyoukai was bound to show up again. He just wished it wasn't today.

 

The little brat was probably telling his brother that Inuyasha had made Kagome cry. Deep down he knew Sesshomaru would not be happy about that, nor would his brother listen to what Inuyasha would have to say. No instead they would argue, and as was her habit Kagome would step in. He might even get a “Sit Boy” in front of his brother. That's all he needed right now. And then Sesshomaru would whisk Kagome off to his castle where he would keep her away from anyone who could hurt her. Inuyasha knew he would be included on that list.

 

He should have known, just as he had truly accepted the fact that she loved him it would be over. Love was temporary. The thought flickered through his mind.

 

In disgust he got up and stalked off. If Sesshomaru wanted to argue they would at least do it away from the others, away from Kagome. He could at least give her the courtesy of arguing with his brother out of earshot.

 

Hearing Miroku's tell tale footsteps behind him only served to irritate his already raw nerves. “Don't follow me monk” Inuyasha ground out. The damn monk just didn't know when to leave people alone. Inuyasha knew the monk would keep following him no matter what and decided to keep his mouth shut. He didn't really have much fight left in him anyways, what he did have left he would need for the confrontation with Sesshomaru.

 

Damn Brat he thought to himself. How could Rin be loyal to Sesshomaru of all demons? He didn't dare examine his feelings of jealousy on that front. Maybe he should just run away. Leave, just end it all now and go to hell with Kikyo. He would at least get off the emotional roller coaster he found himself on. In hell he would know what to expect. He'd already lived through it once. No he had to stay he promised Kagome he would stay until this was over.

 

“Kagome,” Inuyasha sighed aloud. All the tension left him as he caught a whiff of her scent on the air. Without realizing it he changed his direction. Instinctively his troubled heart knew just being able to see her would give him some sort of clarity. Even if it just meant to ease the turmoil that had begun to brew within him again as he thought of his brother's betrayal. His heart was determined to push aside the feelings he harbored against his brother. Inuyasha came to an abrupt stop as he got close enough to see her. The gods were truly against him. Kagome was there, but she wasn't alone. She was with Sesshomaru training.

 

True to form Miroku kept up pace behind the angry hanyou. He had followed in absolute silence knowing that something was bothering Inuyasha. He had that deep thoughtful restless look about him all morning and this drew the monk's interest. The hanyou was not much one to sit around and dwell on anything. He could but only guess what the hanyou's thoughts may be.

 

Miroku knew Inuyasha and Kagome had talked last night. He had seen Kagome come back to camp. He could tell that the miko had been crying. But unlike Sango, Miroku doubted that they were the tears of a broken heart. Kagome had slept in this morning. This fact confirmed his suspicion that all was well with the woman. The group had been together long enough for him to know that Kagome never slept well when something was troubling her. No matter how exhausted she was, she never allowed herself the luxury of sleeping in until she had overcome whatever it was that had deprived her sleep.

 

Inuyasha on the other hand seemed more introspective than was his want. He wondered how she had come out unscathed and the Inuyasha had come out troubled. Typically Kagome had been the only one able to calm his spirits, not trouble them. No, there was something else going on inside Inuyasha's head. Right now he really didn't have much else to do, so he might as well try and figure out what was troubling him before it blew up in all their faces.

 

“If you think I'm gonna tell you what happened last night between Kagome and me you've got another thing coming. It's private and between the two of us. It's no one else's business.” Inuyasha said testily as he sat down on a fallen log, where he had a view of the clearing where Kagome and Sesshomaru were training, his amber eyes molten with animosity as he looked at his brother.

 

Miroku sat next to him on the log. The monk instantly understood part of Inuyasha's bad mood as he realized who Inuyasha was looking at. Sesshomaru being with Kagome bothered him as well. Kagome trusted the taiyoukai though, he could see that. Inuyasha despised his brother and Sesshomaru returned the feeling. The monk thought that it was possible Inuyasha felt betrayed by Kagome's easy trust of his brother. But he planned to find out what was behind Inuyasha's mood.

 

Miroku was certain that was all it was. He would just have to explain again to Inuyasha that Sesshomaru was truly the only choice they had. They would all have to put aside past grudges for the moment if they were to win. Kagome was their best hope for that victory right now. If her success meant that she would have to train with Sesshomaru they would all have to deal with it. Their time was running short. They all knew it, though none of them ever said it. There wasn't time to try other options. They would have to accept what destiny had thrown their way, even if it was Sesshomaru.

 

“I didn't come here to talk about that.” The monk said innocently. “I just didn't want to be with Sango. She would have made me wash dishes or some other chore that I have no intention of doing. I'd much rather sit here with you, and spy on Kagome and your brother.”

 

“I'm not spying.” Came the angry reply. Inuyasha did not move or look at Miroku. Instead he kept his gaze on his brother. His eyes never losing the intensity they held when he first saw his brother with Kagome.

 

The monk raised an amused eyebrow. “Oh, okay. I'll help you guard Kagome from a safe distance so she won't know that we're here watching her.”

 

Inuyasha snorted. He was in too rotten of a mood to see that the monk was trying to make light of things. Miroku decided to keep quiet for a while. The two of them watched Kagome and Sesshomaru. Miroku was impressed with the power that was coming from the small woman. They had all clearly been in the dark about what she was capable of. Sesshomaru was the only choice that they had. That fact was more than plain to the monk now. Maybe he wouldn't have to say anything to Inuyasha.

 

Miroku marveled at the taiyoukai's power as well. The taiyoukai seemed unaffected by the miko's powers which Miroku knew was odd. It was the rare demon that would train a miko, an even rarer demon that was able to withstand miko powers, but powers such as Kagome's? Miroku was certain then that Sesshomaru was even stronger than they had ever realized.

 

Another thought occurred to the monk then. Why hadn't Sesshomaru succeeded in killing them before? Surely he could have. Almost as if to validate that claim Miroku's mind called to mind the incident from a week ago. The power Sesshomaru had released from his own hand that killed that horde of demons, save the one. If he had done that so easily, why would the demon want the sword? More power, yes that was a common reason for any creature, something inside the monk told him it wasn't.

 

Another incident sprang from his memory then. Sesshomaru had used the tetsusiaga once to kill a horde of demons. It was then that they realized what the tetsusiaga had been capable of. Inuyasha had been unaware of its true power. Miroku wondered at why Sesshomaru had gone to lengths to possess a sword the taiyoukai must have known he could not wield. Nor did the taiyoukai need its power. He possessed it already within himself. He could have killed them all that night, but he didn't. True he had left Inuyasha wounded, but he could have ended it then. He didn't. Why? Was the only question that rang out in Miroku's mind, nothing Sesshomaru had done made sense now?

 

“How long has your brother been trying to kill you?” he asked suddenly. The question startled Inuyasha. He turned to look warily at the monk. Wondering what Miroku was trying to do. Miroku had that thoughtful look on his face and Inuyasha cursed his bad luck in choosing his traveling companions. Sesshomaru was another subject he didn't care to talk about right now. However, Inuyasha was certain that this was Miroku's round about way of getting to talk about what had happened between him and Kagome. He would humor the monk and talk about his brother. It would be a relief to tell someone what a bastard his brother truly was.

 

“He's been trying to kill me ever since I came of age. I left home because my father refused to make Sesshomaru take back his pledge to kill me. Told me I would understand one day that there were duties and responsibilities that came with being part of the family. He said that I would have to earn Sesshomaru's respect on my own and only when I did that would Sesshomaru renounce his pledge. I knew the only way I could gain Sesshomaru's respect was to fight him. So I fought him and lost. Shortly afterwards I left the castle to be alone.”

 

“Did he ever say why he was trying to kill you?” Miroku asked his curiosity peaked. The monk had never once thought that Inuyasha had ever spent time in his father's house. Let alone had any type of relationship with his brother or father.

 

“Sesshomaru invoked the warrior's code Brother's Vendetta. My life was his to take, and his alone. No other demon could challenge me until it was settled. A brother's grudge against his brother takes precedence over any other. The breaking of family faith is the deepest of disgraces and all others would have to let their differences with me wait until the challenge had been answered.”

 

“But the two of you fought.”

 

“I lost. My life is his to take whenever he wants. But I guess that's all in the past. Naraku changed all that. Before I only had Sesshomaru to face as an opponent, now everywhere I turn there's another demon, some offspring of Naraku's that wants my blood. And then there's Kikyo. She's the only one I'll allow to take my life. Her trust is the only one I ever betrayed. Sesshomaru and Naraku, those bastards will have to find someone else to kill.” Inuyasha said the last with more feeling than he had intended. Collecting himself he turned away from Miroku watching Sesshomaru and Kagome once more. Who at this point were no longer training. From where he sat it looked as if the two of them were having a serious conversation.

 

Miroku remained silent. Inuyasha was glad about that. He didn't like to think about that time. Inuyasha still didn't truly understand why his brother had turned on him like he had. When he had first come to the castle he had shadowed his older brother, trying to emulate everything Sesshomaru did. Inuyasha had idolized his brother. Though Sesshomaru did not cuddle or pet him, his brother had allowed Inuyasha's attentions. Inuyasha had never felt any true animosity from him. The announcement of the Brother's Vendetta had come as a shock to him, yet another betrayal to his heart. One of his first lessons that nothing good ever lasted.

 

“Why did he invoke the Brother's Vendetta in the first place? What breach of family honor had you committed?” Miroku asked finally breaking the silence that had settled between the two of them. Inuyasha should have known the monk wouldn't let it lie. Truth was he didn't know. Neither his father nor his brother had ever told him what he had done.

 

“You mean aside from the fact that I'm half human?” Inuyasha snorted. “That's all the reason my brother needed. Once I was of age I was no longer under my father's protection. I was fair game to any demon who had a hatred for humans, including my own brother.”

 

Miroku remained silent. He wasn't quite sure it was quite as Inuyasha thought. He shook his head. Despite all Inuyasha's bravado he knew that the hanyou felt things intensely and deeply. He could only begin to imagine the depth of the hurt Sesshomaru's turning on him had caused. Miroku was certain that the hanyou didn't know what he had done. He was also almost just as certain that Sesshomaru had invoked the Vendetta for reasons that Inuyasha's battered heart couldn't let him see. Demons were such complex creatures Miroku thought in frustration.

 

The two of them continued to sit in silence and watch as Kagome and Sesshomaru talked for what seemed like hours. It was more than evident to the monk that Inuyasha didn't want to talk anymore, and Miroku didn't know what else to say. He had started this conversation with the intention of pointing out that Inuyasha needed to set aside past hurts and accept Sesshomaru's help. The monk was at a loss on how to bring up the subject. Miroku knew the hanyou was too hurt to listen to his opinion of what was really behind Sesshomaru's vendetta. It really was such a simple, transparent motive, but Inuyasha could not get past his bruised feelings on his own to see it.

 

But to give the hanyou credit, Sesshomaru hadn't exactly made it easy for Inuyasha to believe otherwise. Fighting the hanyou every chance he got. The older demon pushed the hot headed hanyou past his threshold of comfort. Every fight between them was more difficult than the last prodding Inuyasha to fight harder each time. Miroku now understood that this was Sesshomaru's way of helping Inuyasha develop his abilities even further. Though he understood it, that didn't mean Miroku agreed with the taiyoukai's methods.

 

The monk knew he would have to speak to Kagome about this. If anyone could make Inuyasha understand what he suspected the truth was, it was her. Kagome had a way of making Inuyasha understand what no one else could. Again, making the hanyou understand fell to her. She would have to help the hanyou heal another wound in his battle scarred heart. Kagome would make him understand that Sesshomaru had been helping him all along, the only way the demon knew how.

 

Kagome was the one who had healed the hurt inside each of them. She helped everyone she ever met. Miroku's gaze flicked to Sesshomaru then. Kagome would heal his soul too. She would give him back his brother's faith. Of that the monk was certain.

 

 

 

Revised, edited, and reposted 9/07/04

Author's Notes: Currently I am in the process of revising, editing and reposting this fic.  If you find any errors (ie. spelling, word misuse, plot gaps, etc.) please let me know either by email (which can be found in my bio) or by leaving a review.  All comments and help are greatly appreciated.  Special thanks to thebigW for pointing many of these out to me.