InuYasha Fan Fiction ❯ Tuesday Morning ❯ Tuesday Morning ( One-Shot )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

This is a one-shot songfic based on the lyrics of "Tuesday Morning" by Michelle Branch. I recently bought her newest album, and was blown away when I heard this song. I'm not sure if the words are really implying exactly how I'm interpreting them. ::Shrugs:: This is just what comes to mind for me each time I hear the song.

-

Tuesday Morning

By squeakyinuears

-

Chapter Originally published/posted at FFN - 4/07/04

Newest Chapter Revision - 7/20/04

-

Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha. He belongs to Rumiko Takahashi and no one else. Nor do I own the song, "Tuesday Morning" by Michelle Branch in her album Hotel Paper.

WARNING!!! Possible spoilers, if you have not seen up to episode 90, or the second Inuyasha movie, "The Castle Beyond the Looking Glass"!

Idea for two of the lines in here is borrowed from "The Mediator" series by Meg Cabot (originally under the name Jenny Carroll), a series which I also do not own. (Specifications of which lines will be made at the end of this chapter).

Tremendous thanks go to my incredible beta, Kat Morning, who amazes me with the alacrity and efficiency she employs. ::Huggles Kat:: Thanks again!

-

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." - Friedrich Nietzsche

-

"Love is not blind - it sees more, not less. But because it sees more, it is willing to see less." - Rabbi Julius Gordon

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

-

My digital watch tells me it's Tuesday, May 21st. Green numbers flash that it's 2:30am.

Makes sense. Though it feels like a lot more time should have gone by already, the rich indigo hue of the heavens above will not be changing their attire anytime soon. Certainly not for me.

As a child, I loved to look out my window at night, head always peering up. The family shrine sits atop a long flight of stairs, so the view is one of the best in Tokyo. Back then, I was in love with astronomy. Stars, eclipses, moons and comets absolutely fascinated me. My family bought me tons of books on the subject for every occasion. I even had my own little telescope.

~I remember~

Dad even used to take me stargazing, before he died. We'd lie on the roof in the summer, spending the night under the stars. In the winter, it'd be too cold to go outside, so we opted for peering out of my window instead. We played star bingo, a silly little game where we tried to find and identify the different stars and constellations.

~Stormy weather

The way the sky looks when it's cold~

A part of me always wishes I had continued with the hobby. But then, Dad passed away, and he was the only person who really shared my love for the night sky. Middle school started, and it was just exams, midterms, and tests, tests and tests! Instead of staring out the window for hours on end, I stared at my textbooks. And gradually, I forgot about the magic that happened at night.

Yes, I believe in magic. Being pulled through a well into the past and learning that I'm the reincarnation of a miko kind of makes a believer out of a girl. But I'm not talking about parlor tricks and hocus-pocus. The magic that I've become accustomed to is more along the lines of sensing jewel shards and purifying demons.

Oh, yes. I believe in demons, too. There's one sleeping next to me right now.

He SAYS he doesn't need to sleep; not the way weak humans like me have to. I've heard his speech too many times to count. DEMON bodies only require rest every once and a while, and even then it's just for a few hours. DEMONS need to be prepared for danger at any given moment, ready to wake up at the slightest sound.

The little puppy is currently cuddled beneath his fire-rat robe, snoring up a storm. And this isn't the first time that I've caught him napping, either. Of course, I can't ever let on that I know. He'd purposefully stay up the entire night just to prove me wrong if I did, and he needs his rest. Yep. That's how stubborn he is.

So I roll my eyes and grumble in my head about idiot boys and let him sleep whenever I find him snoozing away.

I wonder what he dreams about. I wish I knew. Most of the time he sleeps sitting up, back against a tree, wall, or some other structure. There's only been a few times where I've spotted him lying on his back, like any NORMAL person would. But when has he ever been normal?

There was that one occasion in my time, when I was trying to study for yet another upcoming test. Yeah, I can still go back and forth between past and present, and he can too. He's the only one who can, in fact.

But I digress.

He had kept bothering me, peering over my shoulder constantly, getting in the way. I got my little brother Souta to distract him, and thought I'd finally get some work done. NOT.

~And you were with me

Content with walking~

The two of them came charging into my room again, moments later (or so it seemed)! Or rather, HE came charging in, Souta hanging on to his arm. Did I forget to mention that they were both STARK NAKED?! The only things that kept me from completely dying right then and there were the bath bubbles that at least covered up the. . . essentials.

And naturally, like any other girl in my situation, I chucked anything I could get my hands on at him in embarrassed and righteous fury. Books, lamps, chairs - everything in the room was considered fair game. Had they been dressed, I would have physically tossed them out the door. I don't believe my face has ever been so red.

But then later things calmed down, and he was once again in my room, this time sitting on the bed. Bedtime had come and gone, but I wasn't even halfway through my notes. It took me a while before I noticed just how quiet it had become. I turned to find him asleep, arms still wrapped around his rusty sword.

~So unaware of the world~

And again, I wonder what he dreams of. Does he ever dream about his childhood? The brief time spent with his mother? Or Kikyou? Perhaps he thinks about past battles he has fought. I imagine he thinks about the jewel.

I hesitate to think that he dreams about me. At least, the way I dream about him. If he ever does think about me in his dreams, it's probably just to scold me again about how I broke the Shikon Jewel. I always think back to the time when he had decided to protect Kikyou; the first time I realized just how much I loved him.

I was so afraid then. So afraid of what he would say, that he would leave me. He almost did. I know it. He knows it, too. So I ran away. I ran away back to my time, not wanting to him say it was over; that we couldn't see each other again.

~Please don't drive me home tonight

'Cause I don't want to feel alone~

It didn't really seem fair, at the time. Kikyou was dead! That walking clay pot wasn't her. But he still clung to her memory like those baby monkeys cling to their mothers on nature specials; refusing to let go. It certainly doesn't help matters that I'm the spitting image of her. Not much fun being compared to a chick who died long before I was even born. And, who has billowing miko robes to hide the size of her butt.

It hurts. Gods, it hurts so much each time I see them together. It wasn't until I found myself wishing that the resurrected miko would disappear that I realized how awful my thoughts had become. I didn't want to know what my face must have looked like just then. I didn't want anyone to see.

Had I become such a horrible girl?

When had I changed from the cheerful, optimistic, little miss sunshine into someone who wished her rival would just MOVE ON?

I didn't want to be alone anymore. I wanted to know that we had something - that we weren't just two people forced into working together. That I wasn't just a shard detector. Maybe that was selfish of me. Perhaps I should have just let him go. Maybe I was to one clinging on to false hope.

But I wanted to see him again; I HAD to be with him, desperately.

~Please don't drive me home tonight

'Cause I don't wanna go~

That's right, I'm in love with a demon.

Well, technically, he's only half, but that's enough, trust me! He was a regular jerk when I first met him, and he can still pull a number on me, even after all this time. So, why do I love him so much?

I don't know. He's rude, impatient, selfish, violent, brash, arrogant, insensitive, and has mouth that can make a sailor blush! He is so immature. My little brother is nowhere near as petty as he gets sometimes.

And he's so UNCOMMUNICATIVE, even for a guy! How I'm supposed to know what he's feeling if he doesn't TELL me every once in a while? I can read Chinese and a little bit of English, NOT minds. Of course, I can see how being a few hundred years from the past when Oprah - and the knowledge that opening up and sharing one's feelings is actually GOOD for you - has not been introduced yet, can get in the way of meaningful conversations.

Still! I've never known anyone who has gotten so under my skin. In my entire life, I have never argued as much as I have with him. If he would only listen to me! As cute as his ears are, I sometimes question their abilities.

And he gets jealous. JEALOUS, whenever Kouga comes by, while he used to run cheerfully after Kikyou without a second thought! Honestly, the guy is insufferable!

And yet, at the same time, I DO know why I love him.

He's strong. And I don't just mean physically, though he is that, too. He didn't have the best experiences growing up. Orphaned, alienated, hated and feared by both sides of his heritage, then caught in an evil plot and betrayed by the one he loved. Really, it's amazing that he turned out as well as he did, considering everything that he's gone through.

I don't think I could ever walk in his shoes, even for a little while. Aside from the fact that he doesn't wear shoes and never will, I'd probably end up a blubbering, self-pitying nut.

He's loyal. Dear gods he's loyal! He hasn't forgotten Kikyou in all this time, has he? He sticks with us - our mismatched group of demons, a monk, an exterminator, and me, a girl from the future. We each owe him so much. He's devoted to our quest.

He protects me. From the beginning, he has protected me with his claws, his sword, his body. With his life. I don't mean to say that he is there, every minute of every day, because that's physically impossible. I do have my own life back in my time, and we've become separated on plenty of occasions. But in the end, no matter where I am, or who I'm with, he finds me.

He's brave. He has faced demons, ghosts, minor gods, even a dragon, without flinching. Our entire group is brave. Miroku, who is able to face each day with such optimism, Sango, who holds her chin up even while her village has been slaughtered and her brother controlled. Shippou, who had to live on his own before we found him, and always tries to protect me. Every member in our group has incredible courage. Save me.

I've never really been brave. If I was, I would be able to tell Houjou that I don't want to go on another date with him. That I like, no, LOVE someone else. If I were brave, then I would have the courage to tell Sesshoumaru where he can stick Tetsusaiga.

I would be able to tell my half demon that I love him, out loud. To his face. I think he knows, but hearing it is different. Saying it is different.

I check my watch again. It reads 3:18am.

Stars wink at me, their light only paling in comparison to the moon still hanging high in the sky. It's a crescent moon.

~Tuesday morning

In the dark~

The crescent moon has always been my favorite time of the lunar cycle. Somehow, it always reminded me of a ghostly smile. But I was never afraid. It was a nice smile. A kind one. Perhaps, in a way, someone was watching over me, just like Mama use to say.

He, on the other hand, regards a crescent moon with something other than joy. Unless, of course, it's a waxing one, and then that's all right. But if it's a waning moon, he hates it. Probably because it means that it'll be moon dark soon. His human night.

It used to amuse me to no end, knowing he had a "time of the month" as well. Technically, the best time to watch the stars is when there is no moon. Otherwise, its radiance outshines the stars. But now it has become somewhat of a touchy night, for both of us. He can't relax at all on the night of the new moon. Then again, after what happened with Kaguya, I don't think he's that fond of the full moon, either.

The first time I saw his human form, I was shocked. Black hair and gray eyes. The claws and fangs disappear, and so do those two canine ears - the greatest loss, in my mind.

He hates his human form. He feels weak. I don't get it. I still don't see why he wants to become a full-blooded demon. He's incredibly strong as it is, even if he is only half. Definitely strong enough. Maybe it's because he's a guy or something. The testosterone talking.

He says he can't protect me as a human. I point out that he hasn't failed me yet.

And while it was a surprise in the beginning, the human version of him has grown on me. He's actually very handsome with black hair. Still, the ears are something that I fell in love with from the start. They are an added bonus to the silver hair and tawny eyes. I love these two forms of him.

I say two, because he has still another. He does have a full demon side. But. . . I find myself slightly scared of him then. Not because his eyes turn blood red and purple streaks suddenly appear on his cheeks. Not even because his claws and fangs grow wickedly long. No. I'm always afraid that, when he turns all-demon, he will forget who he is.

I've told him as much. When he's in that form, it's like his heart has left, to somewhere far, far away. I fear that he will forget himself. That he will forget me.

And after the incident with the moth demon - after he desperately tried to wash off the blood from his hands, and my heart bled for him - he realized how dangerous that side to him is, as well. I know it scares him, losing control like that. I hate what it does to him.

So, I can't say that I love his full-demon side completely. Perhaps it means I don't love him enough. I don't know. I mean, if I truly loved him, I should love ALL of him, right?

But, I don't believe that form is really part of him. It's not who he truly is. Because the boy I love - and he is still a boy in many ways - never looks back at me from those crimson eyes. They look back and see ME, clear as day, in both gray and gold. Not in red.

Whether he is human or half demon, he is himself. Only the outside appearance has changed. The real him doesn't change.

~I was finding out

Who you are~

I look over at him, still fast asleep. His dark eyelashes fan his cheeks and his brows lie smooth for once, instead of lowered in his ever-present scowl.

~I took your picture

While you were sleeping~

Is it possible to make mistakes, and not regret them? I guess it is. I'm not going to worry about this anymore; I'm not going to hold a silent debate within my head about it. Stranger things have happened, after all.

~Then I paced around the room~

But. . . what does this mean? What change will this bring for us? What we did was special. Sacred. I felt it. I just hope he felt it, too.

And there's the rub. I can only hope, because I don't know.

After some soul searching (no pun intended), I made a decision. It wasn't anyone's fault that he had meet Kikyou first and fallen in love. They had both believed they would spend the rest of their lives together. That their love was enough.

Having fallen in love myself, I can relate to the feeling. Love can't be switched on and off like a light. In fact, I don't believe he'll ever forget her. And I don't expect him to. I know I'll never be able to forget him, even if things don't work out for us either. He'll always have a special place in my heart, just as she has in his.

He made a promise to her. A promise he cannot, will not, break. He wouldn't be himself if he gave his word so carelessly, if he broke his promises so easily.

But I can make promises, too. I made a promise to myself that I've kept to this day. And I intend to keep it until the day I die. Because he couldn't stay by my side, I decided I would stay by his. And just love him. I think, really, that is what he needs the most.

He needs. . . he needs someone to be there by his side. He needs someone to catch him when he falls (though he never does), to trust him, to have faith in him. He needs someone who still cares, even when he's being stupid and immature (and there are many such times), and someone who will scold him when necessary. He needs someone to laugh and play with, and someone to comfort him, though he'll never admit it. He needs someone to talk to, someone to encourage and listen to him. He needs someone to accept him, just the way he is - not as a full-demon, not as a human, but him - Inuyasha.

To love him.

Can I do all of this? I don't know. Probably not. He's not. . . he's not always the easiest person to love. My life would be so much easier, and far less complicated, if I loved someone in my time - someone who didn't carry around so much emotional baggage. But, whoever said love was reasonable? I'll try, and give it my best.

But don't think that I'm some selfless person, some martyr who only thinks about the happiness of others. Hardly. Sure, I have my moments of altruism, but no more than the next person. As much as it hurts seeing him with Kikyou, it hurts so much more being apart. I'd rather be with him - take him in any way I can - than to be separated from him.

Which brings me to where I am now.

We didn't have sex. The term "sexual intercourse" never entered the conversation. It is too cold, too clinical a word. That is not what we did. As cheesy as it sounds, we made love.

Well, sort of. I suppose I can't call it that precisely. . . he hasn't said anything, and neither have I. But, I felt it. Even as I was overwhelmed by a myriad of new feelings and emotions, one thing stayed the same. My love for him.

And I felt something in return. I felt cared for, treasured. And. . . almost loved. He hasn't given me the words, but he almost didn't need to.

I remember back in middle school we had to take "human growth and development" [Read: sex ed.]. The teachers always told us to wait. We were young - in no need of a hurry, and we'd probably regret sleeping with someone at our age.

~If I had known then

That these things happen~

They were right. And they were wrong.

I AM too young. I don't think I was ready for this. I really don't believe I was ready for such an intimate advance in our relationship. It was a mistake. We could have waited.

~Would they have happened with you?~

But, I don't regret it. . . I'm not really making much sense.

I wish we could have waited, until we were a little older, at least. And though he is far older than me in demon years, mentally, we're about the same. It was a mistake, yes. But I don't regret it, and I wouldn't take it back, even if I could. Not a single moment.

I still don't make any sense, not even to myself. I guess, we could have waited, because the circumstances that we're in right now do not need the added complications this will bring. At least, that's what my head tells me.

But my heart. . .

My heart, and my eyes, and my hands - all of me - protest, and declare there's nothing to regret. Isn't this what I've wanted all along? Not necessarily the physical act itself, but isn't this major step - there's no way he can take this back - isn't this what I've been waiting for, all this time?

Mistakes without regrets. . . they are possible, after all.

~Please don't drive me home tonight

'Cause I don't want to feel alone~

As a little girl, aside from watching the stars, I used to pretend I was a princess. "Kagome-hime," Dad would call me.

I dreamt of a knight riding up with a white steed and shining armor to rescue me, high in the branches of the Goshinboku. And after my dramatic liberation, my knight errant would sweep me up and we'd ride off - to face the many adventures that would come our way.

As I grew older, my dream changed. My classmates started whispering of kisses. . . and sometimes more. At slumber parties we'd gossip and giggle, and plan out how our "first times" would be. Yes, we talked about that. Discussions of our future weddings naturally lead to the honeymoons. . . and what people usually did on such occasions. Which then lead to the topic of sex itself, and when we planned "do it".

There would be candles, and maybe some soft music in the background. Silk sheets and perfume. It'd be our wedding night. Or perhaps during prom, or maybe even in college, in a dorm somewhere far from home.

We were flexible with our fantasies.

So it doesn't really bother me that I got a crescent moon instead, and crickets chirping for a serenade. It doesn't bother me that I received a red fire-rat robe and sweet, crushed grasses as substitute. And instead of my wedding night, instead of dancing the night away at prom or in my dorm room, I was in Sengoku Jidai, 500 hundred years (give or take a few decades) in the past.

I suppose that technically, I AM far from home. . .

And we made love under the blanket of a million stars in the sky. And that's quite fitting, actually, in my mind.

But, no matter where or when our special night took place, no matter what the accessories were - in every girl's mind, we would declare our mutual love. We didn't dream this - we knew that when we shared our bodies with that certain someone, it would be because we loved him, and because he loved us back just as much. Never, ever, were we uncertain of that fact.

Neither of us has ever spoken the words out loud.

~Please don't drive me home tonight

'Cause I don't wanna go~

It's almost sunrise now. That means he'll be awake soon. He always rises with the sun, and I don't know if I can face him just yet. Maybe I'm just a coward, but what if he pretends it never happened? What if he tells me nothing has changed, that it didn't mean to him what it means to me?

~Tuesday morning

In the dark~

Yes. Maybe I am just a coward. I'm afraid, and I don't think I can be here, right away, when he wakes. I don't want to see the decision that will be in his eyes, because he'll have to decide, now. After what has happened, he'll have to choose. And once again, I don't know if I can take it, coward that I am.

~I was finding out

Who I was~

So. . . I think I'll take a walk to the well. . .

Someone once said that walking away is just the same as running away. Maybe I'm running away again. But not to go home. I may be headed towards the well, but I'm not running home. I just want to think. Well, think about this a bit longer on my own, without any interruptions.

~And if you turned around to see me

And I was gone~

It's no short distance to the well. It's too close to the village and our friends, and we didn't want to. . . do anything, with them nearby. So I have still more time to think as I walk.

It's late spring, and the flowers are in full bloom. That's another reason why I love it here in the past so much. Not only are there so many stars at night, but the air is fresh and there are so many trees and greenery everywhere! These are rather hard to find in modern-day Tokyo.

My path to the well is a little dark, but it's gradually getting easier to see where I'm going. Looks like dawn is almost here. The forest around me is cloaked in varying shades of gray. A bird starts singing somewhere ahead, and I know it won't be long before a chorus begins. Those little sweeties do love to do things in groups.

~Should have looked outside your window

'Cause the sun was coming up~

I can see the well ahead of me now. There are vines wrapped around it, and even they are blooming with tiny, perfect petals. The sky is no longer inky black, nor deep indigo, nor even gray. It's rose and cream, and lavender clouds, far in the east.

Another bird joins in with the first, and then another and another, and now the forest is full of their chattering. Right on schedule.

~The sun was coming up~

The well. Where it all started. The magical portal that brought me to this place in the distant past. It's almost as important to me as the Goshinboku. The God Tree is where I first meet him, and it will always be first in my mind.

And yet. . . it's not entirely mine. It's his, too. And it's Kikyou's. It's the place where my heart was broken for the first time. In my time, it's the tree that watched as I grew up. But here, in Sengoku Jidai, there are so many memories tied to the Goshinboku, not all of them pleasant.

So I've come to the well instead, because this is one thing, at least, that I can call my own. And there are many good memories here as well. Our first hug was here. And after my heart was broken, this was where Inuyasha and I made up - where we first truly held hands. It's where I decided I would stay by his side - where I made my promise.

~Please don't drive me home tonight

'Cause I don't want to feel alone~

I stare down into the depths, but I don't jump. I have no intention of going home right now. I just. . . need to think about some things. Or not. Maybe I just want to spend some time, not thinking. Because every so often it feels I'm doing too much of it. . . or perhaps I just don't want to face him yet.

So instead of trying to understand the meaning of life, or even about my current situation, I sit and simply. . . am. Sounds very Zen of me, I know, but it's true. It's difficult not to be, when surrounded by nature in all its splendor. No wonder people are always so stressed in the present time. There's not enough of the natural world, so they end up having to listen to those tapes of nature sounds. Those poor souls. They are truly missing out.

~Tuesday morning

In the dark~

Footsteps are coming closer. I look up and he's standing there right in front of me, and there's a rare expression on his face. He looks. . . peaceful. Content. And I've only seen that when he's asleep.

He doesn't speak, and neither do I, but our gazes meet, and he knows. I think he knows what I've been thinking about.

~We were finding out

Who we are~

He holds out his hand to me.

I stare at it. In all the times in the past, he has never done that. Grabbed my arms, yes, yanked on my sleeve, sure; he's done that plenty of times. We've even held hands before, but always it was I who took his.

Now he's the one taking the initiative. And I'm afraid. Because I can't go back from this point. He hasn't made me any promises, and I don't know if I can handle where this path will lead us. I'm afraid to hope.

And now he's waiting, his clawed hand reaching out for mine, palm up. At his back is the sun, warm, bright, and constant. And then I look back to the golden suns of his eyes.

~Tuesday morning

In the dark~

And I've never really been brave.

~We were finding out

Who we are, who we are~

I take his hand, and I marvel at how small mine is as it rests in his.

But he's here with me now, and maybe. . . If I can believe in us, trust that we'll work things out. . . maybe it will be enough.

~Who we are, who we are~

I've never really been brave. . . but. . . maybe this time. . .

I don't have to be.

~Who we are~

-

-

-

-

A/N: Well, there you have it. Please note that this is a <b>one-shot</b>. This is the end, and there will be no sequels, prequels, or any other related chapters after this.

And now that I am able, allow me to specify that the idea for the line Oprah, as well as the one for butts and dead chicks is borrowed from "The Mediator" series by Meg Cabot (originally under the name Jenny Carroll). I can't quite remember which book, though. However, if I had to take a guess, I'd say it's probably from the book "Darkest Hour", specifically.

Like I said up top, I don't think the lyrics to "Tuesday Morning" necessarily imply that the girl in the song slept with a boy and then had second thoughts about it, but. . . that's kind of what I gathered from it. This is just my take, and I don't necessarily believe Kagome would view it this way, either. But I did wonder what would happen if she did.

And personally, I don't believe Kagome is really a coward or anything like that. Quite the opposite, actually. I think she's a very strong and courageous character - just like all of the Inu-tachi. At the same time, I wondered if Kagome would view herself that way. And lo and behold, this one-shot songfic was the result.

Credit goes to That Nanda for being the first (that I've seen) to take a different angle on the Inuyasha-and-Kagome-sleep-together theme.

Also, Zeh Wulf's songfic, "I Am Waiting For Something to Go Wrong" has been an inspiration for this attempt of mine. Not necessarily theme-wise, but just. . . the fact that it was so incredibly written.

I've also realized that two other beautiful one-shots inspired this fic of mine. "The Reasons For Light" by Kylara was one of the first one-shots I'd ever read, and even now it tugs on my heartstrings.

"Affection" by Midoriko-sama must be mentioned as well, in part, because it's played a part in inspiring me to write my own one-shot, but also for the line, "hearing it is different". Sumimasen, Midoriko-sama! I didn't even realize I used your words! I've read and re-read that one-shot so many times, that the words have almost become like my own.