Kingdom Hearts Fan Fiction ❯ Letting Go ❯ Letting Go ( Chapter 1 )

Letting Go

By ShinyObsessed

Disclaimer: None of the characters belong to me.

 

I knew as soon as I saw him sitting on his white thrown for my welcoming meeting that I felt something. That in its self would not be strange but I am a nobody, a being without a heart. But looking at the spiky red hair reminiscent of Knuckles, Sonic's nemesis, and into the practically glowing green eyes set in a pale face marked with two triangle tattoos, I actually felt something. I felt admiration; he's beautiful. I felt happiness from regaining the ability to feel, and a myriad of other emotions I thought I had lost. What was it about Axel brought these feelings?

When Axel noticed me, when he tracked me down and announced that I was cute and he wanted to know me better, I couldn't have been happier, well until he pushed me into my room and fucked me silly, then I was ecstatic. Lying there afterwards panting I managed to ask him if I was to expect this from the rest of the organization. He laughed and said probably but made sure to inform me that he was the best looking of the members. I had to laugh and mentally agree. What made the thing acting like a heart leap was that he stayed, and he did get to know me and we became the closest of friends.

Eventually we moved with surprising ease from friends to something more. We were always together, playing pranks, running from Saix and tuning out Mansex's (Xemnas's) lectures and speeches about Kingdom Hearts. I stopped questioning my feelings and just enjoyed them, and Axel. I never told him how I felt because who would believe that a nobody without a heart could feel love as much as I did for Axel? Nobody that's who. So I kept it to myself and loved Axel on the sly, and Axel continued to be mine, sometimes we didn't bother getting out of bed. He would sunbathe while I swam and occasionally flicked water at him and winding up thoroughly done in the shower afterwards. And I would spar with him, even though I usually lost (the one time I did win I wound up fucked right there by a deliciously sweaty Axel, Xigbar later told me it was quite the show).

Then Roxas came. We didn't meet him till the welcoming meeting a couple of days after the Superior initiated him (we all went through this, basically “welcome to the organization” and being screwed on his desk). But he did trip into our lives right before the meeting. Yes he literally tripped and fell, like a bird that died while flying (Axel said like an injured angel floating down from heaven but I think my description's more fitting), he fell over the railing of the balcony just over head and directly into Axel's lap. I had first row seats to the widening of his eyes -as I was playing my sitar next to him- and couldn't miss the sudden welling of emotions in his unusually vibrant eyes. And when Roxas turned those killer blue eyes and happy grin on him I knew just how I had known that I felt around Axel, that I had lost the very thing that made my nonexistence bearable (my music doesn't count).

And when a month later when there had been less and less time alone with Axel and he started to look guilty around me I knew I couldn't tie him down to me and keep letting him be hurt. I was playing my sitar sadly when he came into my room. I gave him the happy smile I always gave him (I can't help it! His very presence lights up my nonexistence!) even though I knew he was here to break the thing acting like my heart. He looked torn and nervous but decided as he told me that Roxas made him feel like he had a heart and that he wanted to be with him. He chuckled nervously and said it was crazy that a nobody such as him felt this but to please believe him. I finally cut him off telling him I believed him and that if Roxas made him feel that way then I was happy for him and he should be with him. He looked relieved that I believed him, not even thinking about why I believed him and graced me with the most beautiful Axel smile I had ever seen, thanked me and scurried off to find Roxas, leaving me, Demyx, the water controlling nobody to drown in my tears.

After that I lost everything for a few days. No music, no smiles and no laughter. Axel was too wrapped up in Roxas to notice and I doubt anyone else cared, so I spent my days in the pool hiding my tears. It was a few days later and I had just pulled myself together and was putting in some much needed sitar practice when Roxas breezed in, Axel in tow wanting a threesome, well why refuse? It might hurt but it would be worth it to be able to touch Axel again, even when I felt like the third wheel, even when it was painfully obvious to me that this had been Roxas's idea, and even as Axel only touched me to get to Roxas. When we finished and collapsed into one giant heap I felt so alone as I watched Axel welcome Roxas into his arms for a snuggle. Axel, beautiful, oblivious Axel grinned at me as though thanking me for letting him go. The cursed thing masquerading as a heart in my chest burned with jealously and pain, but also joy at being able to see Axel with such joy in his eyes and to know that I had guarded that spark by staying silent.

That first time was the hardest and after that I resigned myself to be the occasional fuck buddy. I guess I'm glad people judge me by my happy go lucky exterior or Axel would know that I loved him with the whole heart he gave me. When Roxas left and broke Axel's heart, I was there for him but he didn't need me, he left to search for his beloved and I left behind again. Mansex sent me to fight Sora but when I saw Roxas's beautiful blue eyes looking out at me I couldn't fulfill my missions. And when I felt the bite of his Keyblade I cried out because I didn't want to die and leave Axel alone. Even if he'd never love me as I loved him, because I could tell Roxas wasn't coming back and Axel would break more if his best friend who had always been there for him (in more ways then he knew) were to die at the hands of his lover's somebody.