Love Hina Fan Fiction / Excel Saga Fan Fiction ❯ Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga ❯ Ken Akamatsu Assassination Plot ( Chapter 1 )

[ Y - Young Adult: Not suitable for readers under 16 ]
By: Yami Goku
After being struck down by a car, Kaolla Kaolla finds herself as a member of this weird organization lead by this mysterious man named Keitarazzo...

Anime/Manga: Love Hina Fan Fiction / Excel Saga Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Comedy / Adventure / Action | Type: Crossover | Uploaded On: 03.17.2004 | Updated On: 06.16.2005 | Pages: 14 | Words: 11.0K | Visits: 622 | Status: Completed

Welcome, my friends, to the show that never ends. Actually, it _will_ end eventually, but not for a while. This fanfic series will be a highly experimental fusion fanfic, combining two Anime series that seemingly have very little in common! This fusion shall be a combination of two of my favorite Animes: Love Hina and Excel Saga!
 
[waits for peals of laughter to die down]
 
Hey hey hey! Don't start laughing yet! It hasn't started yet!
 
-+*+-
 
Love Hina belongs to Ken Akamatsu.
 
Excel Saga belongs to Koshi Rikdo.
 
-+*+-
 
NOTE: This is a revision of the first six episodes. I've changed some stuff, including the characters. Enjoy!
 
-+*+-
 
YAMI GOKU FQX
presents...
 
-+*+-
 
[A piece of paper unscrolls, revealing a handwritten letter by "Love Hina" creator Ken Akamatsu.]
 
KEN AKAMATSU: "I, Ken Akamatsu, do hereby pledge that in the event my masterpiece 'Love Hina' is turned into a lame fusion fanfic with Koshi Rikdo's 'experimental Anime' entitled 'Excel Saga' by the fanfic writer 'Yami Goku', I shall grant the aforementioned 'Yami Goku' full power over my characters, and I shall not whine, moan, bitch, or complain if I do not like what he writes about them."
(*STAMP!*) [KEN AKAMATSU]
 
-+*+-
 
[Cue Opening Theme, "Love (Loyalty)."]
 
[A shot of Kaolla does a 360, then Kaolla falls into Keitarazzo's trap hole. Shortly before the title screen, she emerges with a squid on her head.]
 
QUACK EXPERIMENTAL FUSION
K A O L L A * S A G A
 
A Love Hina/Excel Saga Fusion FanFic by Yami Goku
 
~Episode One: Ken Akamatsu Assassination Plot~
 
[Kaolla makes several funny faces at the screen.]
 
[Kaolla and Mutsumi are lip-syncing to the OT, which is actually being sung by the Excel * Girls.]
 
Sore wa ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["That isn't love..."]
Ai wa sore ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Love isn't that..."]
[The girls are singing on a sidewalk.]
Aishite iru kedo ai sarete wa inai. ["I am in love, but I am not loved."]
[Several shots that include Mutsumi looking at you, looking the other way, collapsing, and laying on a couch soused to the gills.]
 
Kesshite ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Definitely isn't love..."]
Ketsu wa ai ja nai~~... (*cough* *cough*) ["Derriere isn't love..."]
[The girls are singing within the locker room of a men's public bath.]
Aisaretai kedo motometari wa shinai. ["I want to be loved, but I never seek it out."]
[Several shots of Tama in different poses, then when Tama sees Kaolla wielding a fork and knife, she acts terrified and withdraws into her shell.]
 
Kono mi sasagete inochi nagedashi. ["I offer myself, and throw my life away."]
[Mutsumi floating in the water.]
Wakime mo furazu tada hitasura ni ["Looking neither left nor right, I will just earnestly"]
[Kaolla tries to run off, but two hands restrain her.]
Dameshite sukashite yokohairi ["Cheat, wheedle, interfere,"]
[Negi attempting to "initiate a perpetual contract" with Mutsumi, but a giant tentacle snatches him away. Then, three Mutsumi heads appear on the screen, each one a little closer than the last.]
Tanin wo fumitaoshi keri wo kamashite! ["And trample down and kick strangers!"]
[Kaolla kicking Negi, Iwatani, and Shiraiyoshi clean into next week!]
 
Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]
[Kaolla and Mutsumi running down a long road, with Tama flying along the path.]
Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]
[(Land)Lord Keitarazzo joins the three. He trips on his cape as he runs, and falls down.]
Tonzora koite! (Tonzora koite!) ["And we get the Hell out! (And we get the Hell out!)"]
[Kitsune is running across a bridge with a bunch of Liddos.]
Tonzora koite~~~...! ["And we get the Hell out...!"]
[Yami Goku and Ken Akamatsu running from the Feds through a tunnel, then off into the sunset.]
 
Banana no kawa de korondemo ["Even if I slip on a banana peel,"]
[Kaolla hanging upside-down from a tree eating a banana, while Mutsumi has slipped on several of Kaolla's banana peels, and is now unconscious on the ground.]
Sore wa subete ano kata no tame. ["It's all for his sake, anyways."]
[A giant tiger-like monster that bears a resemblance to Byakko from "Yu Yu Hakusho" pops up in front of Kaolla and Mutsumi, and the two girls assume a fighting pose. Keitarazzo is watching from the background, cowering in fear.]
Shiite iu nara sore wa kitto ["If anything, that is probably"]
[Seta being dragged from his bed by The Great Naru of The Macrocosm.]
Ai to iu na no chuuseishin! ["A kind of loyalty called love!"]
[Kaolla and Mutsumi in (Land)Lord Keitarazzo's throne room, saluting him.]
 
-+*+-
 
It was such a cold summer's day for the 30th Graduation Ceremony at Kamenabe Junior High School in the city and prefecture of H. And we all know damn well what a graduation ceremony means...SUMMER VACATION! Unfortunately, summer vacation isn't what this story is about. This is a story...about a whale...No, wait! This is a story about a girl! A girl named Kaolla Kaolla, a hyperactive, loudmouthed 14-year-old attending Kamenabe.
Excited that school's out for the summer, Kaolla bounded out of the schoolbuilding, being to give each of her schoolmates a good whack with her schoolbag while singing in a very loud voice.
"o/~ HINATA~~~~~~~! (*whack*) HINATA~~~~~~~~~! (*whack*) HINATA~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! (*whack*) HINATA~~~~~~~! (*whack*) HINATA~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~! (*whack* *whack* *ka-whack* *whack-splat*) o/~" sang Kaolla as she ran away from the school, beaning students with her hefty schoolbag, not aware that her schoolbag contained painful sharp corners.
As Kaolla pranced out of the school's property and into the bustling metropolis of H, she did not notice a young boy, who was chasing a toy ball into the street at rush hour. Kaolla kept on dancing absentmindly towards the street, singing her bizarre song.
"o/~ HI~~NA~TA! HA~LLELU~JAH! HA~RE KRI~SHNA! HA~RE HA~RE! KRI~SHNA KRI~SHNA! o/~"
Kaolla was so absorbed in her "singing," she did not notice a young man noticing the young boy chasing the toy ball head into the street!
"HEY! WATCH OUT, KID!" shouted the young pompaded boy in a green school uniform.
"NO, _YOU_ WATCH OUT, KID!" screeched Kaolla as she kicked the young man out of the way, who was just about to run into the street after the young boy chasing the toy ball.
Kaolla did not see the car coming, and neither did the young boy... ... ...
 
(*****CRASH!*****)
 
... ... ...The boy escaped safely, but alas, Kaolla did not... ...! *sniff*
 
-+*+-
 
"OH, KAMI-SAMA! WHAT HAVE I DONE?!"
"YOU HIT HER WITH YOUR FRIKKIN' CAR, THAT'S WHAT!"
"SOMEONE CALL 911!"
"o/~ 9-1-1! o/~"
"o/~ 9-1-1! o/~"
"o/~ *9-1-1~~~~!* o/~"
"NINE-ONE-ONE!"
"Ha ha! Very funny! Get serious!"
"Can I poke her with a stick?"
"*sigh* Oh, all right."
 
The voice of the people hurdled around Kaolla's barely-breathing, injured form murmured with worry and regret as the Ecnalubma pulled up to the scene of the accident, and paramedics tasered their way into the crowd. But before the paramedics could put the dying girl on the stretcher, they noticed that she had scrawed the letters "HIN" in the dust by the roadside. Shrugging, the paramedics threw her onto the stretcher, and tossed her into the Ecnalubma. They drove off.
 
-+*+-
 
As the Ecnalubma cruised on down the road, the paramedics desperately struggled to keep Kaolla from dying.
"COME ON! DON'T DIE, GODDAMMIT! LIVE! LIVE! LIIIIVVE!" screamed Paramedic #1 as he furiously pounded on Kaolla's chest, causing Kaolla to flop up and down.
"Uh, sumimasen, Paramedic #1, but I think that we're supposed to actually _help_ dying or injured victims, not just pound on their chests like that. Besides, we're too late to do anything now. Look, her eyes are rolling back," pointed out Paramedic #2.
Her pulse slowing to a halt, Kaolla glanced her eyes Heavenward, and uttered one last word...
"Rosebuuuuuud...!"
No, wait. What she actually uttered were _two_ last words...
"Hail...Kei-Keitarazzo...!"
After that last word, accompanied by the death rattle, both paramedics futiley struggled like mad, pounding on her chest really hard.
"IYAAAAAA! DON'T DIE! DON'T CROSS OVER! ONEGAAAAAAIIII...!"
 
-+*+-
 
Up in the sky, many kilometers up in deep space, Kaolla's ghost was watching the Ecnalubma carrying her corpse towards the river for dumping. Suddenly, she noticed a young woman dressed in flowing white robes, with two antennae sprouting from her light brown hair.
"Don't be afraid, Kaolla. I am the Great Naru of the Macrocosm," spoke the girl, "That was no death for a girl like you."
"Tell me about it!" exclaimed Kaolla.
"Using my divine and mystical powers, I shall reset this fanfic, restoring everything back to the way it was!" spoke the Great Naru of the Macrocosm as she unleashed her power...
 
-+*+-
 
(***boink!**)
 
-+*+-
 
Kaolla found herself standing within the Landlord's Office (or the "throne room") of the mighty (Land)Lord Keitarazzo, ruler of the top secret ideological organization of HINATA.
"Pretty lousy reset," remarked (Land)Lord Keitarazzo, a man wearing a pail on his head, and a purple blanket as a cape.
"Gomen nasai!" a sheepish Great Naru apologized as she ran off.
Kaolla immediately snapped to attention, and saluted. "HAIL KEITARAZZO!"
Keitarazzo rose from his pillow at the end of the table (his "throne"), and began to address his new agent. "Kaolla, this world is corrupt!"
However, Kaolla wasn't listening. She was leaping around like a nitwit. "WOO-HOO! LORD KEITARAZZO! LORD KEITARAZZO! WOO-HOO-HOOOOOOOO...!"
Keitarazzo pushed a button, causing a velvet purple rope to drop down from the ceiling. Kaolla stopped clowning around and noticed it. "What's that rope do?"
"*sigh* Never mind...!" said Keitarazzo as the rope disappeared. "Anyway, as I was saying, this world is corrupt! And since it's corrupt, it needs order! And gosh darn it, I--!"
Keitarazzo was interrupted by Kaolla continuing to act like a total moron. "LORD KEITARAZZO! WHATTA MAN! WHATTA MAN! WHOOOOOOOOO! o/~ K-A-T-R-A-Z-O! THAT IS HOW YOU SPELL--!"
"AAAAAAAAAHHH! GET OFF ME! GET HER OFF ME! WAAAAAGGHH!" screamed Keitarazzo as Kaolla latched onto him, and refused to let go!
 
-+*+-
 
(**boink!**)
 
The Great Naru of the Macrocosm restored the natural order.
 
-+*+-
 
"As I was saying, this world needs a leader!" said Keitarazzo as a giant globe dropped from the ceiling. "But taking over this entire world will be hard! So, we shall start by taking over just one city! This city! Yeah, the city of H! That seems pretty reasonable, ne? Now the first step shall be _total conquest_!"
Kaolla was excited. "TOTAL CONQUEST?!" she shouted as she got starry-eyed. "OH, THAT'S BRILLIANT, KEITARAZZO! I'LL DO _WHATEVER IT TAKES_! NOR RAIN, NOR SLEET, NOR DEAD OF NIGHT, NOR NAUSEA, NOR ASKING ME TO STRIP DOWN!" Kaolla, in a cloud of lust, dove towards Keitarazzo. "OH, SWEET KEITARAZZO-SAMA! TAKE ME NOW...!"
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! GET KAOLLA OFF OF MEEEEEEEE!" screamed Keitarazzo as he ran about the room, trying to shake Kaolla off of him.
 
-+*+-
 
(**boink!**)
 
The Great Naru of the Macrocosm restored the natural order.
 
-+*+-
 
"Please don't do that!" asked a shaken Keitarazzo.
"I won't, sir!" promised Kaolla.
"Now, Kaolla, what are these?" asked Keitarazzo as he held out three graphic novels, which could easily be recognized as the the first three volumes in the "Love Hina" Manga series.
"Uh...They look like Manga paperbacks, Keitarazzo!" responded Kaolla.
"That's right! In my world of the future, we'll have no use for garbage like this!" said Keitarazzo as he tossed the GNs out the window. "So, your mission is to obliterate every Manga-ka in existance! Your first target shall be...this guy!"
Keitarazzo held up an image of a Japanese man that looked like a taller, more mature version of Keitarazzo. The picture was captioned "Ken Akamatsu (Manga-ka)."
"Kill that guy?! Right away, sir!" smiled Kaolla.
 
-+*+-
 
As Kaolla walked the streets of H seeking out her target, she sang a little song...
"o/~ OBLITERATE! EXTERMINATE! 'CUZ KEITARAZZO TOLD ME SO~! GONNA KILL A MANGA-KA! GOTTA KILL KEN AKAMATSU~~~! o/~ o/~"
Branding a giant, high-tech bazooka that she had crafted herself, Kaolla kept on walking. "I KNOW THAT YOU'RE SOMEWHERE, MR. MANGA-KA!" she said as she found an apartment building, and walked up the stairs. She found a door marked "Ken Akamatsu," and opened the door, which was unlocked. "It's showtime!"
Crawling stealthily along the floor, Kaolla looked around at all the bizarre crap that Mr. Akamatsu had collected. It was pretty much all Anime merchandise, mostly featuring pretty Anime girls.
"Hmmm...Anime paraphenilia! The target is _really_ close!" whispered Kaolla as she crawled closer to the other end of the room.
Hearing someone in the room at the other end, Kaolla opened the door and peeked in...
 
-+*+-
 
Manga-ka Ken Akamatsu was at his desk, doodling the "Love Hina" characters for no reason.
"o/~ Tra la la la la la la la la la la la la~~~! Manga-ka are the scum of society~~! They have no life, and some of them smell funny~~! They're nothing but baka losers who can hardly make ends meet~~! Shoobie-doobie-do-wop-wop-wop-wop-yeah! o/~ o/~" sang Ken as he worked on another one of those "You can almost see _everything_!" hot springs scenes that you only can get in the original Manga, trying hard not to get a woody.
"Bingo!" whispered Kaolla as she found her target, peeking through the crack in the door. Kaolla opened up the door, and started tiptoeing towards Ken, bazooka armed. Unaware that he was about to meet an untimely demise, Ken kept on drawing.
"It's time to put you away, Akamatsu-sensei...!" growled Kaolla as she prepared to attack. But before she could fire, she noticed the picture at the head of Ken's desk. They were pictures of...a wife and kids?! Ken Akamatsu was a family man! If Kaolla killed Ken, his family would be understandably upset!
"Ohhh...my...!" murmured Kaolla as she started have a conflict with her conscience...
"Don't, Kaolla! You can't take an innocent life, even if (Land)Lord Keitarazzo commands you to!" spoke Good Kaolla, a small fairy with a halo and pink hair.
"Don't leesten to her! KEELL HEEM!" ordered Evil Kaolla, a winged purple demon with a pitchfork and a and a weird Hispanic accent.
Good Kaolla came up to Evil Kaolla, and punched her. "Don't keell heem, Kaolla!" said Good Kaolla, now with an Hispanic accent.
"AAAAAARRRGGHH! MY CONSCIENCE HURTS!" screeched Kaolla as she writhed on the floor. Good Kaolla and Evil Kaolla began to scuffle behind her. Good Kaolla then snapped Evil Kaolla's neck.
"That was mean!" exclaimed Kaolla.
"It was necessary! Now do what's right, Kaolla!" commanded Good Kaolla, without the Hispanic accent.
Ken then noticed Kaolla's presence, and turned around. His eyes wandered all over Kaolla.
"What are you staring at, you perv?!" yelled Kaolla.
Ken didn't say anything. He just fell to the floor, terrified.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" screamed the nerdy Manga-ka. "ONEGAI! HAVE MERCY! GO ON! TAKE ALL MY MONEY! *sob* JUST LEAVE ME _ALONE_!" pleaded Ken.
"Hey, I'm not a robber! I'm here on a mission from (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!" said Kaolla. "I'm sorry that I have to do this, but...it's time for you to die!"
"IIIIIIYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...!" cried Ken as Kaolla began to kill him...
 
-+*+-
 
DUE TO THE GRAPHIC NATURE OF THIS SCENE, PLEASE ENJOY THIS HUMOROUS RIFF FROM YAMI GOKU'S MISTING OF DEATHLORD'S "DBGT/TENCHI/YUYUHAKUSO/INYUHASHA"...
 
(KEN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH! OH, MY GOD! IYAAAAAAAAA!)
 
>Pan: okay what ever.
 
MIKE: Today, on DBGT/Tenchi/YuYuHakuso/Inyuhasha, the
part of Son Pan shall be played by Madison Taylor.
 
(*BOOOOOM!*) (*BOOOOOM!*) (*BOOOOOM!*)
(KEN: OH, GOOD LORD! IYAAAAAAAAAA!)
(KAOLLA: Hey! Get back here!)
 
CROW (as Bra): That's _my_ line, Queen Bitch-toria!
SERVO (as Pan): Up yours, Erin Bra-The-Bitch!
CROW (as Bra): Bite me, S***head Tomboy!
SERVO (as Pan): F*** you, Useless Flat-Chested Valley Girl!
 
(*BOOOOOM!*) (*BOOOOOM!*) (*BOOOOOM!*)
(KEN: AAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH! OH, JESUS CHRIST! STOP TRYING TO KILL MEEEEE!)
(KAOLLA: This hurts me more than it hurts you! Stop running around!)
 
CROW (as Bra): Shut up!
SERVO (as Pan): No, you shut up!
CROW (as Bra): No, you shut up!
SERVO (as Pan): No, you shut up!
CROW (as Bra): No, you shut up!
SERVO (as Pan): No, you shut up!
 
(*BOOOOOM!*) (*BOOOOOM!*) (*BOOOOOM!*)
(KEN: WAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! YAMETEEEEEEEEE! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHH! *sob* *cry* *choke*)
(KAOLLA: Slow down, a'eady!)
 
[MIKE imitates two gunshots]
MIKE (as Madison Taylor): Like, why don't you BOTH SHUT UP?!
 
(*BOOOOOM!*) (*BOOOOOM!*) (*BOOOOOM!*) (*BOOOOOM!*)
(KEN: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHH...! *croak!*)
 
-+*+-
 
As Ken Akamatsu's headless corpse slid to the floor, Kaolla knew that her task was complete.
"*pant* *pant* I've done it, Keitarazzo-sama! *pant* *pant* I've killed Ken Akamatsu...! *pant* *pant* Our mission is a success...! *pant* *pant* And--"
Kaolla then noticed what Ken was drawing when he suddenly passed away.
"What's this? What was he drawing, anyway...?"
Kaolla picked up the blood-splattered drawing, and looked at one of the characters, a tanned girl with blonde hair and green eyes. Kaolla's face became shocked!
"This...is...m-m-m-m-m-m-m-m-ME!"
 
-+*+-
 
The Great Naru of the Macrocosm, upon seeing that beloved Manga-ka Ken Akamatsu had been brutally murdered by Kaolla, entered Akamatsu-sensei's apartment, finding a dead Ken and a remorseful Kaolla.
Great Naru was shocked! "OH, MY GOD! YOU'VE KILLED KENNY! YOU BASTARD!"
"I know...! I'm a bastard...!" sighed Kaolla.
"KAOLLA, YOU BAKA GAIJIN! YOU'RE NOT SUPPOSED TO KILL THE ORIGINAL MANGA-KA!" shouted Great Naru. "Look, I'm sorry for snapping at you. I'll restore everything again with my divine powers..."
 
-+*+-
 
(**boink!**)
 
The Great Naru of the Macrocosm restored everything.
 
-+*+-
 
Kaolla's destiny suddenly changed, as she found herself as a traffic controller on the road outside a building under construction!
"ME?! CONTROL TRAFFIC?! YAHOOOO! THIS'LL BE _FUN_!" shouted Kaolla as she got to work, waving her red lightsaber traffic controlly-thingy around.
"STOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOP GOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOS TOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGOSTOPGO!" Kaolla gave too many rapid commands, and she ended up creating a massive pile up.
"Hey! Traffic control girl!" shouted the Foreman in charge of the building under construction.
"Oh, hi, Mr. Foreman! (^_^)" waved Kaolla.
"Did you try my grill out yet? It makes cooking burgers easier!" asked George the Foreman as he walked off.
"Iie, I didn't! I--!" Before Kaolla could finish, she was mowed down by a huge truck!
 
-+*+-
 
HEPPOKO
JIKKEN
FYUUJON
 
K A O R A
*
S A A G A
 
 
[musical eyecatch]
 
-+*+-
 
"Whoah! Are you all right, Part-Time Girl?" asked George the Foreman.
The puddle of blood surrounding Kaolla was re-absorbed, and Kaolla stood back up, still bleeding from the nose. "Of course I'm all right! If I died again, we'd have a lame running gag going on!" Kaolla held up her traffic-controlling thingy. "Well, back to work!"
As soon as George Foreman was gone, Kaolla walked off the job, and into the building under construction.
"Pretty soon, all buildings like this will belong to (Land)Lord Keitarazzo!" declared Kaolla.
"ALL RIGHT, YOU PEOPLE! GOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGOGO! KEITARAZZO-SAMA, JUST LOOK AT THE BANG-UP JOB I'M DOING...!"
 
-+*+-
 
Back at HINATA HQ, (Land)Lord Keitarazzo was busy reading _Newtype_, so he really didn't care what Kaolla was up to.
 
-+*+-
 
"COME ON! DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE DRIVE! KEEP DRIVING! KEEP DRIVING! NOTHING TO SEE HERE! MOVE ALONG! KEEP GOING, POOR-QUALITY AMERICAN CAR! YOU IN THE VW BEETLE! GET A BETTER AUTOMOBILE!" directed Kaolla, waving her lightsaber in random directions, causing traffic to go berserk. In just a few seconds, an even bigger pile-up occured, killing many drivers.
"What a traffic jam!" remarked Kaolla. "After the Grand Unification, it would be good to cut down on drivers and poor-quality American cars, too!" noted Kaolla.
Just then, Kaolla noticed one of the workers slacking off high up on a girder. The man looked very depressed. Kaolla went up to him to see what was the matter.
"SETA!" shouted Kaolla.
"KAOLLA-SAN!" shouted Seta. Kaolla and Seta ran towards each other, fists ready for combat. The two tuffled weakly for a few moments, then Kaolla asked Seta a question. "What's wrong, Seta? You look so down! Tell me about it!"
"Well..." began Seta as he held out a photograph of a young, redheaded girl, about 9-10 years old, kicking a soccerball around.
"Who's this?" wonder Kaolla.
"She's Meidora, my daughter," answered Seta.
"So what happened?" asked Kaolla.
"Well...I think I can only tell you what happened using a flashback..."
As Seta spoke, the background turned into a beautiful outdoor landscape out in the mountains, with a quaint cottage in the picture. Kaolla began to watch...
 
-+*+-
 
One day in the beautiful landscape in the mountains, Pedroyasu Seta was returning home from an archeological dig, when he was greeted by his daughter Meidora.
"PAPAAAAAAAA!" greeted Meidora as she ran towards Seta, straight into his arms.
"Welcome home, Pedroyasu!" greeted Seta's sexy wife. "It looks like Meidora's happy to see you!"
"Hai! I'm happy to see you, Papa! (^_^)" said Meidora as she continued to hug her father.
 
-+*+-
 
As soon as the flashback ended, it was all crystal clear to Kaolla. "Oh, I see. You're homesick, ne?"
"Hai, I am! Seta's been in Japan for two years! And when I think about what is happening to my beautiful daughter and sexy wife, it makes even more homesick!" cried Seta.
Kaolla was outraged! "SETA NO BAKA!" Kaolla kicked and punched Seta hard, until he fell to the girder. Seta got up, bleeding from the forehead. "KAOLLA-SAN! WHY DID YOU BEAT UP SETA?!"
"YOU STUPIDHEAD! IF YOUR DAUGHTER LOVES YOU, AND YOUR WIFE IS REALLY SEXY, YOU SHOULD WORK YOURSELF LIKE A DOG FOR THE BOTH OF THEM! WORK YOURSELF UNTIL YOUR BLISTERS HAVE BLISTERS! STOP MOPING OVER THEM! MAKE THEM PROUD!" shouted Kaolla.
Seta was shocked that he did not know that before. "SETA DID NOT KNOW THAT!"
"WELL, IT'S TRUE!" assured Kaolla.
Seta's eyes started watering. "The tears fall from my eyes like waterfalls! I can't thank you enough, Kaolla-san!"
"NOW, GET TO WORK, TIGER!" thundered Kaolla.
"YEAH!" bellowed Seta as he and Kaolla punched their fists together, and his crumbled, causing both of them to lose their balance and go plummeting off the building to the Earth below! It's a good thing that they were wearing protective headgear, because their impact left a big Anime-style crater in the street below.
"WITH A HELMET, YOU'RE ALWAYS SAFE! (^_^)" Kaolla and Seta spoke in unison as they popped out of the crater.
George Foreman looked over at Seta. "Hey, Seta! Gimmie a hand over here!"
"WITH PLEASURE, SIR!" Seta ran over to assist Mr. Foreman. "DOUMO ARIGATOU, KAOLLA-SAN! I NOW HAVE THE COURAGE THAT I NEED! ONCE AGAIN, THE TEARS FLOW LIKE WATERFALLS FROM MY EYES!"
As Seta lifted some pipes, he decided to make a stupid Japanese joke. "You thought that Seta couldn't do all this before breakfast! But he already had his lunch a few hours ago!"
"That was a really funny Japanese wordplay, Seta!" said George. "Tell you what: I'll give you a raise on your paycheck!"
"Really, sir?!" said a surprised Seta, dropping his pipes.
"Sure! Just don't tell that Kentarez about it!" nodded George Foreman as he walked off.
Seta looked over at Kentarez, then went back to his joy. "WOO-HOO! SETA DID IT! ONCE AGAIN, DOUMO ARIGATOU, KAOLLA-SAN!"
"YEAH! AND KAOLLA'S GONNA WORK HARD, TOO!" declared Kaolla. But suddenly, she felt something growl in her stomach, and she felt flat on the ground, weak.
"So hungryyyy..." Kaolla snapped out of it, and stood back up. "Iie! If I keep working, I'll have enough for a legitimate meal in just four days! I WON'T GIVE UP, KEITARAZZO-SAMA! TOGETHER, WE'LL LEAD THE WORLD INTO A NEW GOLDEN AGE, MAKING IT BETTER FOR FOLKS LIKE..."
Kaolla looked at couple of passerby. "...THIS GUY! ...THAT BUSINESS-TYPE LADY...!"
Then Kaolla looked up in the air, and noticed a hot springs turtle soaring around in the sky. "...AND THAT...TURTLE-LIKE CREATURE!"
"Myuuhh!" squeaked the turtle-creature.
"ALL OF MANKIND IS BEAUTIFUL, IN ITS OWN WAY!" screeched Kaolla as she started blasting laser beams from her traffic-controlly-thingy.
Unfortunately, she did not see a huge truck coming her way! The truck was being driven by a man who interpreted Kaolla waving her lightsaber-traffic-controlly-thingamabob around wildly as "Keep going." So he did...
"YEEEEAAAHHH! WAHOOOOOOO! YEEEESSSSSSSSS!" Kaolla went crazy with joy, throwing her controlly-doodad around like a glow-in-the-dark baton! The man then noticed that all the other truck drivers were headed straight for him, all converging on one spot: The spot where Kaolla was standing.
"Ohhh, shit!" exclaimed the Truck-Driving Man before all the trucks crashed together in one dazzling explosion of truck fuel. Fortunately, Kaolla danced out of the way, and looked embarassed as everyone stared at her. That's what she got for being in charge of security.
The massive explosion now had the building under construction up in flames! All the workers screamed and panicked to get out before they became deep-fried! Seta would've ran out, but he dropped his photo of Meidora!
"OH-NO! MEIDORA!" screamed Seta as he ran back for his picture.
"SETA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING! YOU'LL BE BURNT TO A CRISP!" shouted Foreman. "NOT AT ALL LIKE MY GRILLS!"
Inside the inferno, Seta was trying to rescue his precious photo from underneath a red-hot fallen girder. "IT'S...SO...HOT...!"
Outside the inferno, everyone was worried about him.
"Oh-nooo! What should I do?!" panicked Kaolla.
Good Kaolla materialized beside Kaolla again. "Listen to your heart! Then you'll know what to do to rescue him!"
"I'm listening to my heart, and I'm _still_ drawing a blank!" said Kaolla.
"Well, in that case--" Good Kaolla was interrupted by a pair of handcuffs being administered to her wrists! "WHAT THE--?"
Kaolla looked down, and noticed a police car labeled "Kaolla Police," complete with a little Kaolla Policewoman.
"Good Kaolla, you're under arrest for the murder of Evil Kaolla!" said Kaolla Policewoman as she shoved Good Kaolla into the backseat of her car. The Kaolla Policecar drove off.
Kaolla continued to panic, now noticing that the building was starting to collapse! "Ohh, what should I do?! This is all my fault! It's all thanks to my stupid negligence!"
Inside the burning structure, everyone was screaming for Seta to forget about his stupid picture and get out! But Seta wouldn't give up!
Back outside, Kaolla's hunger got the best of her again, and she collapsed, having lost all will to panic!
"Me so hungee...!" moaned Kaolla as her stomach roared.
It was then that the strange turtle-creature landed right next to Kaolla, who noticed it right away.
"Myuh," squeaked the turtle.
"Turtle!" was the only word to escape from Kaolla's lips before gaining enough strength to give chase to the fleeing turtle!
"MYUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHH!" cried the turtle as it flew away from the rampaging hungry girl.
"COME BACK HEEEEERRREE, TAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAM AGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGOTAMAGO TAMAGOTAMAGO! GET BACK HERE, MEAL!" cried Kaolla as she ran after her dinner.
 
-+*+-
 
Back at the burning construction site, Seta had failed to retrieve the photo. But that didn't matter, for now he felt as if he were in a better place...
"Dear, sweet Seta..." spoke the Great Naru of the Macrocosm, "...You've been through so much. But don't worry! I shall send you back home to your loving daughter and your sexy wife, and..."
Great Naru's pager beeped. "Oops! Gotta go!"
As Great Naru fled, Seta was back in the inferno. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
 
-+*+-
 
In another distant part of town, several cops were patrolling the streets, looking for another blatant case of Self-Insertion.
As the cops gave up searching, and decided to go back home to their TV dinners, a handsome, tall man with a "Yu-Gi-Oh!" Yugi hairstyle and a drab outfit similar to the one worn by Spike Spiegel from "Cowboy Bebop" came out from behind an alley.
"_No one_ can catch Yami Goku! Nosireebob!" said Yami Goku as he ran off to chew bubblegum and kick ass, without any bubblegum.
Unfortunately, Yami Goku ran into a couple of _very_ insistent government officials.
"Oh, crap!" cursed Yami Goku.
"THERE HE IS! IT'S YAMI GOKU! GET HIM!" shouted Government Official #1.
As Yami Goku fled at maximum speed, he ran by the Hinata Apartments, which is where Kaolla lives.
"OH, WHY'D I HAVE TO GO AND DO THIS...?!" screamed Yami Goku as he continued to run from the Feds.
 
-+*+-
 
Back at the Hinata-sou, Kaolla had caught the turtle who shall henceforth be named "Tama," and was planning to go back to her apartment for a little meal...
"I'm so hungry, I could eat a turtle! (^_^)" declared Kaolla.
"MYYYYYYUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH!" screamed Tama as she shook with fear, retracting back into her shell.
"Don't worry, Tamago! I'm not going to eat _you_! You shall be my Emergency Food Supply, just in case I get _really_ hungry!" assured Kaolla as she walked up to her apartment room, and entered.
 
-+*+-
 
In the apartment room adjacent to Kaolla's, a young, redheaded ten-year-old boy named Negi Watanabe was cooking a delicious meal of kamenabe [Turtle Stew].
"God, I _hate_ this stuff! But it is all that I can afford!" said Negi as he watch the stew cook.
Suddenly, Negi's roomate, Iwatani, sprung in. "Hey, Negi! What's cookin'? Pizza?!"
"NANI?! IWATANI! Get away! It is all for me!" shouted Negi.
Negi's second roommate, Shiraiyoshi, sprung in through the floor. "I want some, too!" said Shiraiyoshi, not saying a word.
"IIE, SHIRAIYOSHI! IT IS ALL FOR _ME_! I BOUGHT IT, SO I GET TO EAT IT ALL!" yelled Negi as Iwatani and Shiraiyoshi tried to advance on the cooking pot.
"GET AWAY, YOU TWO! ALL FOR NEGI-SENSEI!"
"IIE, IT'S ALL FOR IWATANI!"
"ALL FOR SHIRAIYOSHI!"
"GET AWAY FROM MY KAMENABE, YOU MORONS! RASTEL MASKIL MAGISTER!"
(*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!*)
 
-+*+-
 
As Kaolla laid in her jungle room, she listened to her next-door neighbors fight over the food, her stomach growled fiercely as she laid in her hammock.
"*sigh* They get kamenabe to eat again...!"
 
-+*+-
 
Far away, in a distant mountain landscape, Meidora ran home to her sexy mother.
"MAMAAAAA!" shouted Meidora.
"Meidora!" said Meidora's sexy mom as her daughter ran into her arms.
"Mom, when's Dad coming home?" asked Meidora.
"I don't know, dear. And quite frankly, I don't care what happens to that jerk!" replied Meidora's sexy mother as she lead Meidora into the house.
Far off in the distance, Seta's scream could be heard.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
 
-+*+-
 
Back at HINATA HQ, Keitarazzo was trying to play an electric guitar. Alas, he got frustrated and smashed it to pieces, being the clumsy oaf that he is.
 
-+*+-
 
The next day, Keitarazzo was watching the news coverage of yesterday's building fire.
"Experts still have no clue as to what caused this building under construction to burn down, just like that. Scientists are hard at work trying to figure out what the heck exactly happened. For H News, I'm Mikage Amanogawa." reported the hot news reporter with long black hair and jade-green eyes, who was an Original Character ripped off from one of Yami Goku's other fanfics.
Keitarazzo turned off his portable TV, and put it away. "WHY DOES THE WORLD HAVE TO BE SO CORRUPT?!"
"HAIL KEITARAZZO! Mission accomplished! (^_^)" greeted Kaolla. "That was fun! What next?!"
It was obvious that Kaolla had failed in her mission. "Well, Kaolla, your next mission is to..."
 
-+*+-
 
Back at the apartment of Manga-ka Ken Akamatsu, the artist was working on "Negima." But he was unaware of what dangers lurked behind him...
"Hee hee hee...!"
Upon hearing the sinister female laugh, Ken turned around, meeting up with the barrel of a big-ass bazooka.
"Eep."
"BOO!" shouted Kaolla.
"YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!"
(*BOOOOOM!*)
 
-+*+-
 
~Episode One: Ken Akamatsu Assassination Plot~
 
TODAY'S MISSION... ... ...FAILED
 
-+*+-
 
[Cue Ending Theme, "Menchi's Bolero of Sorrow~ So You're Going to Eat Me"]
 
[Tama walks up to a microphone in the middle of a spotlight. She adjusts the mike, and starts to sing. As she sings, a woman (let's just say it's Nyamo from the Summer Special) appears in a bubble beside her, and translates Tama's singing. Occasionally during the song, a hand shakes salt down onto Tama.]
 
Starring...
 
Kaolla Suu as Kaolla Kaolla (Parody of Excel Excel)
 
(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)
[NYAMO: "I knew, ever since that day..."]
 
Keitaro Urashima as (Land)Lord Keitarazzo (Parody of Lord Ilpalazzo)
 
(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)
[NYAMO: "...the reason that you had approached me."]
 
Naru Narusegawa as Great Naru of the Macrocosm (Parody of Great Will of the Macrocosm)
 
Noriyasu Seta as Pedroyasu Seta (Parody of Pedro)
 
(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)
[NYAMO: "Tender and soft..."]
 
Mei Narusegawa as Meidora (Parody of Sandora)
 
Tama-chan as Tama (Parody of Menchi)
 
(TAMA: Myuuhh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuhhh...!)
[NYAMO: "...that my body is to your tastes."]
 
Negi Springfield as Negi Watanabe (Parody of Touru Watanabe) (Yes, I'm using the lead character from Ken Akamatsu's "Negima!/Magister Negi Magi" Manga series!)
 
(TAMA: Myuuuuhh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuhh...?)
[NYAMO: "To your hunger-stricken eyes, how does my body seem?"]
 
Masayuki Haitani as Iwatani (Parody of Norikuni Iwata)
 
Kimiaki Shirai as Shiraiyoshi (Parody of Daimaru Sumiyoshi)
 
(TAMA: Myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...myuh myuh, myuh myuh myuh...)
[NYAMO: "If you are to eat me, do it in one blow..."]
 
Kentaro Sakata as Kentarez (Parody of Gomez)
 
Yami Goku (Yeah, it's a Self-Insertion! (^_^)) as himself (Parody of Nabeshin)
 
Ken Akamatsu as himself (Parody of Koshi Rikdo)
 
(TAMA: Myuh, myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuh myuuuuuuhhh...)
[NYAMO: "...so that the meat does not get hard."]
 
[As the song ends and the curtain closes, a hand grabs Tama off the stage.]
 
-+*+-
 
A YAMI GOKU FQX PRODUCTION
KAOLLA: So, how'd you like that? I think that this is going to be one of Yami Goku's most ludicrous, pointless projects yet! Next time on Quack Experimental Fusion Kaolla Saga, we introduce a new character! And you'll never guess who she is! Next time, it's Episode Two: "The Woman From Planet Chupiter"! See you soon! (^_^)
 
-+*+-
 
Yami Goku: dark_magician720@att.net