Magic Knight Rayearth Fan Fiction ❯ Lion Heart ❯ Kakeru's Decision ( Chapter 8 )

Lion Heart
Kakeru's Decision

There was something wrong with Hikaru. It was hard for Umi to not notice and even more so to see that Fuu knew as well.

Hikaru carried troubles in her eyes no matter what her mouth represented. She looked happy when she wasn't. That annoyed Umi so much that she wished that she could just punch a hole in the concrete wall without causing a single scratch on her hand. What caused Umi further annoyance was that nobody had yet to ask her about it when they all knew that something was wrong. Primera even noticed and was acting accordingly.

For the first time since the Pillar System had been abolished, the girls had a very difficult time to get to Cephiro for the past couple of days. Going home was surprisingly easier, which led Umi to conclude that something odd was going on in the Shidou household.

Umi and Fuu agreed to find out what was wrong with Hikaru before it was too late. Too late for what? Neither of the girls wanted to find out.

"Hikaru?" Umi called softly, opening the door to the bedroom the three girls shared during overnight trips to Cephiro. "Are you there?"

It was a rhetorical question. If Hikaru wasn't with everybody else, or alone with Lantis, or in Eagle's room, and since Geo and Zazu--the only two visiting from another country--were with everybody else instead of not, she had to be in their room.

And she was. No big surprise to either Umi or Fuu.

Hikaru gazed out the window, apparently looking somewhere out in the new world of Cephiro. Her back was facing Umi and Fuu, so Umi couldn't tell what kind of expression she held on her face. What's more, Hikaru didn't answer either of them, so she had to be lost in thought. Umi only knew of one way to derail that.

"Hikaru!" Umi yelled.

Hikaru jumped and spun quickly to face them. Her eyes were wide and her mouth twitched upwards on one end. "U... Umi-chan? Fuu-chan?" she squeaked.

"Oh, you..." Umi growled.

From behind her, Fuu closed the door with a small click and said, "Hikaru-san, are you all right? You haven't been yourself lately."

Hikaru flashed an obviously forced smile and nodded. "I'm fine."

Umi narrowed her eyes and approached Hikaru. "No, you are not," she said. "We know when you're being Hikaru, and you are not being Hikaru right now!" Hikaru turned her gaze to the floor when Umi came within an arm's length of her. "Everybody is worried about you."

"I... see," Hikaru murmured. "But you don't need to know. It's not important."

Before Umi could lash out at Hikaru, Fuu had approached Umi's side.

"Hikaru-san, seeing you like this makes Umi-san and I concerned," said Fuu. "It is our business when our friend--our best friend--is bothering her this much."

"But..."

Umi took a deep breath to calm herself. "Hikaru, you can tell us anything, you know that, right?"

Hikaru slowly nodded, her eyes never lifting from the ground. "Thanks, Umi-chan, Fuu-chan, but... it's just that... I don't know... what do about... Kakeru-niisama."

Kakeru? Umi's first thought was one of disgust, but Hikaru loved her brothers dearly. She couldn't think ill of him at the moment no matter how badly she and Kakeru interacted.

"What's wrong with your brother?" Umi asked.

At the same time, Fuu asked, "Is there something wrong with Kakeru-san?"

Hikaru pressed her back to the wall and slid down. She hugged her knees and muttered something that Umi could barely hear.

"Eh?" Umi asked as she knelt to hear Hikaru better.

"Father came home," Hikaru repeated in a harsh whisper.

"Your... father?" asked Umi. She arched a brow. "You mean the one who went on that quest when you were a kid?" Hikaru nodded. Umi frowned. Wouldn't they all be happy that he's back? Unless...

Hikaru never really talked about her family much with Umi or Fuu. When the two girls met Hikaru's family for the first time, they both kept in mind to never mention the Shidou father in any way. The rest of the family also never brought him up. There was only one time when Hikaru shared with Umi and Fuu her father's whereabouts, which she didn't even know. All she said was that he was on a quest to get stronger... and Umi joked for a moment about him leaving because she defeated him in kendo when she was in kindergarten.

Umi had guessed correctly, but after that, their attention had been drawn to the possibilities of Mokona's family.

Well, Mokona being the Creator and all, he didn't have a family other than his surrogate one: Hikaru, Umi, Fuu, and everybody else in Cephiro.

"He never kept in touch, did he?" Umi asked. "He left for, what was it? We're seventeen now... wow, more than ten years. He was gone for more than ten years and he never kept in touch?"

Hikaru nodded. Umi gawked.

What kind of father is he?!

Before Umi could say anything, Fuu sat next to Hikaru and placed a hand on her shoulder. "Hikaru-san, I think I understand why Kakeru-san would be upset, but why just Kakeru-san?"

"He... wants to duel against Father... in my place," Hikaru replied. "He wants to duel and defeat Father, and he doesn't even care if it means that if he does win he'll end up leaving again! I know that if Father loses he'll leave again! I don't want him to go! I don't!"

With that, Hikaru buried her head in her arms and broke into tears.

Umi and Fuu exchanged glances of concern and confusion. Umi, like Fuu, understood why Kakeru was angry with his father. After all, if he really was a good father, he would never have left in the first place, would he? Much less as long as he did!

"Hikaru-san," said Fuu in her most reassuring voice, "would it make you feel better if Kakeru-san just let you fight against your father?"

Hikaru lifted her head and looked at Fuu. "Eh?"

"It sounds like Kakeru-san just wants to protect you," Fuu continued. "You felt guilty that your father left the first time, didn't you?" Hikaru, again, turned her head away from them, facing the opposite direction from Fuu. "Kakeru-san loves you, Hikaru-san. I don't think he wants you to go through that same anguish again."

Certainly not working, Umi thought bitterly. Nice going, Kakeru.

Umi set aside those feelings and patted Hikaru's head, managing a small and joking smile when Hikaru turned her head to face her. "Don't worry about it so much, Hikaru," she said. "If I know Kakeru, his kendo skills aren't up to par with yours. I doubt he'll be able to defeat your father."

Hikaru grinned but only slightly. "Maybe."

The door opened with a silent whine. Umi turned her head and saw Ferio standing in the doorway.

"Dinner's ready," he said. Then he apparently noticed Hikaru and frowned. "Hikaru? Are you all right?"

Hikaru wiped her face and stood hastily. "Yeah!" she said with a bit of cheer in her voice. "I'm fine! I'll see you in the dining hall in a few minutes, okay?"

With that, she ran past Umi and past Ferio, leaving behind a very puzzled prince of Cephiro. He scratched his head and turned to face Umi and Fuu. He opened his mouth to ask, but Umi shook her head.

"We can't tell you," she said.

"Not unless Hikaru-san lets us know that it's okay," Fuu agreed. "I'm sorry, Ferio."

Ferio smiled and shook his head. "No, I understand. Well, come on. Let's get some food in our stomachs."

As Ferio left, Umi and Fuu exchanged one more glance full of concern, and they knew what had to be done.

Hikaru needed to tell Kakeru how she felt, and she had to do it before it was too late. This time, Umi knew what too late meant: Hikaru had to tell Kakeru before he went too far with his rage.

***

Crimson rays of light flooded into the dojo, tinting every object within it a pinkish shade. Kakeru really preferred to be in the dojo at night rather than in the evening, but after seeing his father wandering towards the kitchen, Kakeru knew that it was dinnertime. If he had gone to his room, Hikari would have barked and alerted everyone that he was home. If that had happened, Kakeru would find himself eating dinner with the one person who made his appetite vanish the instant he saw him.

Forgive his father? Kakeru refused to know how he ever could. His father broke a promise. It probably hadn't been a big one to him, and Kakeru knew that if he cried about it now, he would be acting like a child. If he did, it would be excusable. There was no reason why it should not. It was a childish promise given to a young child, and no matter what it was, Kakeru hated to see adults breaking promises to children.

At first, it hadn't hurt Kakeru. After his birthday and Hikaru's birthday had passed and his father had not shown up, Kakeru assumed that he was busy. Hikaru was a little depressed, but she cheered up when the cake was brought in. Two weeks later, Kakeru found out why his father had left and became incensed.

Not only did his father break a promise, he also hurt Hikaru's feelings by leaving for the reason that he did. That, above all, was unforgivable.

Kakeru found that he could never be angry with either of his older brothers. They wanted to protect him and Hikaru from the heartbreak, but a secret could not be kept a secret forever. Eventually, they had to tell them, and they did as soon as they found out that their father would not be returning until at least after New Year's.

Kakeru marched to the sword rack and plopped down in front of it. He folded his legs "Indian Style" and crossed his arms. There was nothing particularly interesting about the rack, but Kakeru found it more peaceful to be sitting in the furthest corner away from the door. He would not have to see anybody walk by, and there was less likely of a chance that anybody would see him as he walked by.

It wasn't Kakeru's first choice for his "Thinking Spot", but sitting outside by the koi pond would increase his chances of coming face to face with his father. That was one thing Kakeru did not want.

His mother had transformed from her reserved, polite housewife ways to the woman of the house. Satoru no longer seemed to be the one in charge--it was all on their mother. She had yet to throw Mitsuru out of the house, but Kakeru assumed that she was using a psychological approach to it: yelling at him whenever he tried to be helpful with the household chores would probably do the trick. The problem with her attitude was that she never gave him the cold shoulder. When she wasn't screaming her head off, she was a stereotypical housewife.

If Satoru had any qualms about their father's return, his personality seemed to cover it up well already. Satoru was a kind-hearted soul, but he seemed aloof to everybody from friends and family to complete strangers. The only person who seemed to know his real feelings about everything was Kyousuke, and he didn't seem to be shining off any information about how Satoru felt about their father.

Masaru was being Masaru. "Tender" was his name, after all. Of course, "actor" was another meaning. So either Masaru really was glad that their father was home, or he was pretending to be just as well as Satoru could mask his emotions. Kakeru hated to admit it, but Masaru was a fairly good actor despite the fact that he loved to get melodramatic when put in the right circumstances.

Masaru was the only one who acted cheerful around their father. He was the one who engaged in many conversations with him. Masaru was the one who explained everything that was going on with the family when the father returned. Masaru always used his free time with their father, which was the only reason why Kakeru had drawn the conclusion that he was not faking it.

Hikaru, like Kakeru, avoided their father as much as possible. She stayed with Umi and Fuu later than she normally did (she should have been home by now) and no longer left for school with Masaru. Instead, she left earlier. Kakeru knew why. She didn't want to duel her father. She was quite certain that if she came face-to-face with him, she would end up doing so.

She couldn't avoid him forever, and Kakeru knew that. Kakeru, at least, could easily move out or stay overnight somewhere or something. He was an adult now; she was not. That was why he was going to duel in Hikaru's place.

"Kakeru-san?"

Kakeru stiffened and pursed his lips. Just go away...

"Kakeru-san, why are you there of all places?" his father asked curiously. "We just finished eating dinner--are you hungry?"

He glared at the tatami underneath the sword rack and clenched his fists around his sleeves irritably. Other than that, he did not move.

His father sighed. "The least you can do is answer me."

Pause. I will not!

"Kakeru-san, you've been avoiding me, haven't you?"

Kakeru closed his eyes. Do you honestly care?

"Why?"

The magic word. The fury inside of Kakeru exploded as he slowly stood to his feet. He snatched one of the wooden practice swords from the rack and turned to face his father with a snarling face.

"You dare ask 'why'?" Kakeru hissed through gritted teeth. His father's eyes widened--obviously, he had not been prepared for such a response. "You, of all people, should know!" he screamed.

"Kakeru-san, what are you--"

"--talking about?" Kakeru finished for him. He swung the wooden sword in front of him and stood in a fighting stance. "What am I talking about? You are the one who hurt Hikaru's feelings. You are the reason why she gave up her hobby for six years after you left. Six years after you left and not a word? Twelve years later still we hear nothing from you until last week when you decided to tell us you were coming back!"

His father closed his eyes and turned his head to the side. "I understand why you're upset--"

"Is that so?" spat Kakeru venomously. "Then you won't argue to a fight?"

"What?"

He snapped his head back to Kakeru, bewilderment spilled all over his face. However, his eyes showed some sort of sadness in them, giving it away that he had been expecting something like this. Kakeru learned to pay attention to eyes--they revealed more about one's real feelings more than the face in its entirety did.

He would have to apply that to Satoru someday.

"You won't fight against Hikaru," said Kakeru. "I will not let her go through the same pain again. Instead, you will fight me."

His father shook his head. "I'm sorry, Kakeru-san, but I didn't come back for a rema--"

"It's either me or nobody!"

"I agree, Kakeru-san, and I refuse to fight you."

Kakeru nearly dropped the sword then, taken aback. The last thing he expected was such sternness and sincerity in his father's expression and voice as he said those words. If his father hadn't come back for another duel against Hikaru, then why had he returned?

"Coward," Kakeru growled. "You left us just because Hikaru defeated you. You abandoned this entire family, your family, just because your daughter defeated you in a sport you thought you were an expert at when she was only five years old! So why are you back?!"

There was silence.

His father narrowed his eyes and peered into Kakeru's eyes, which made the latter feel uneasy. He bit his lip and looked away, but the damage had been done.

"It's not only for your little sister that you are challenging me, is it?" his father asked quietly. "There's something else, isn't there? Another reason why you've been avoiding me lately? The main reason?"

Kakeru cringed. He finally realized it. Kakeru knew it.

"What is it, Kakeru-san?"

Kakeru let the sword fall to the tatami mat. "You should know."

"I'm afraid I don't."

The umbrage returned as Kakeru glared at his father. "This isn't a joke! You know what you did to me when you left!"

"I didn't say it was, and no, I don't," he replied, shock once again evident on his face. "Kakeru-san, why are you mad at me?"

He doesn't remember?!

"Never make promises you don't intend to keep, Father," snarled Kakeru. "You should have remembered that! Before you left, you should have remembered that!"

Another moment of silence.

This time, neither father nor son studied one another. Kakeru, his chin quivering, continued to glare at his baffled father.

"I'm sorry," his father finally said. "I'm sorry for whatever I might have said--no, I'm sorry for the promise I broke. It must have been really important to you. I should probably go help your mother with the dishes, but you will come out and eat, right? I haven't seen you touch a bite around this house since I came back."

With that, his father walked across the garden towards the Shidou household.

Kakeru fell to his knees and held his head in his hands. "Damn you! How could you forget?!"

"Sorry" was not an apology to his heart.

It was then when Kakeru forever lost faith in his father.

***

Kyousuke stared incredulously at Satoru's youngest brother. Satoru was equally silent, unsure of how to respond to Kakeru's decision.

Kakeru inhaled and exhaled deeply, trying to keep his composure as he continued to speak. "It's the only way. At least I'm... somewhat certain that he won't want to fight Hikaru, but... if he does, I won't have to be around to see it."

"Are you sure about this?" Kyousuke asked slowly.

Kakeru nodded. "Unless you have another solution, I am one hundred percent certain that I want to go through with this."

It was morning, and Kakeru had wanted to talk to Satoru and Kyousuke. Kyousuke had, at first, been relieved to finally see Kakeru someplace other than not where the rest of the family was, but when Kakeru told them that he needed to speak with them privately (the kitchen, of all places), Kyousuke knew that it couldn't be about something good.

Ever since Mitsuru had returned home, everybody but Masaru had been acting oddly. Hikaru, who normally loved everybody, was distant to her entire family and even to her best friend, Fumiko. Kakeru never showed his face to any member of the family until recently, and it pained Kyousuke to think about Satoru. Satoru was the most emotional of all about it, although while around the rest of the Shidou family, he seemed as he always was. Kyousuke, however, received different responses when the two were alone.

Satoru had finally taken Kyousuke up on his offer. He released his emotions that he kept bottled up for twelve years onto Kyousuke's shoulder; unfortunately, Kyousuke couldn't do anything more than embrace him while he did so.

"Kakeru," said Satoru in his normal, solemn voice, "have you talked to Father about this?"

"About this? No," said Kakeru. "I have talked to him, and that's why..."

"That's why you came to this decision," Kyousuke finished. "What did you two talk about?"

Kakeru bit his lip and looked away from the two older men. "A... lot of stuff, actually," he murmured, loud enough so that they could hear. "Enough things... but almost too much. He doesn't want to fight Hikaru, but I can't trust him anymore. He says he's back for good, but I doubt that. He'll leave again, I know it, and he'll make another promise that he won't keep and then he'll... he'll..."

Kakeru hugged himself and shivered. Everybody compared Kakeru to Satoru, but it was then when Kyousuke believed how similar the two really were. It wasn't just because of their popularity during high school; it was the aura they gave off towards people: aloof from afar, warm as one drew nearer, and a conflict underneath the shell. Of course, Kakeru was louder and more adventurous than Satoru, but the emotional distress he was displaying was too reminiscent of the one Satoru displayed to Kyousuke the day that his father returned.

Satoru sighed. "How much money do you need?"

Kyousuke stared at Satoru, shocked, but Satoru didn't return the glance. Kakeru had not expected that response either; Kyousuke caught a glimpse of him gawking at the eldest Shidou brother.

"I'm not going to stop you from your decision," Satoru said as if to answer both Kyousuke and Kakeru's question. "And I wish to be able to do the same. You have your freedom as an adult. I can't stop you from doing anything any longer."

"You don't need to give me any money," said Kakeru. "This is my decision. I'll find a part time job."

"That won't work if you need to get away from him as quickly as possible," said Kyousuke as he turned towards Kakeru. He understood Satoru's words. Right now, Satoru needed to spend as much time as he could out of the house to sort out his feelings. He could not do so while Mitsuru was within a one hundred meter radius of him. He would leave if he didn't have a responsibility to the kendo school.

Like Satoru, he now encouraged Kakeru's decision.

"I will give you money, as much as you need, when you need it," said Satoru. "You're only hindering yourself if you delay any more than you need to."

"But--" Kakeru began, but he stopped himself and shook his head. He smiled forlornly. "Thank you, Satoru-niisan."

Kakeru walked out of the kitchen and into the noisy living room, where Masaru and his girlfriend Katsumi were getting ready to head to a rehearsal in Shinjiku, and Hikaru was helping Fumiko with her biology homework that she neglected to finish.

Kyousuke turned to Satoru. "Your father doesn't know about this yet. When are you planning on telling him?"

"When Kakeru wants to tell him," answered Satoru grimly. "But I need to talk to him. Father broke a promise to Kakeru when he was young and tore apart Kakeru's beliefs in everything. At the age of eight he had to rebuild his morals because of what Father had done to him and Hikaru. Maybe it's extreme of Kakeru to say that he would never forgive Father, but... twelve years..."

Satoru sighed. "Father is hurting too, Kyousuke-san. That's why I need to talk to him before Kakeru tells him that he's moving out."

"How...?"

"For the same reason Mother is upset," Satoru answered. "He's in pain because of all the reasons why Mother is angry with him. I don't know when this family will ever be restored, but the way things are going now, I... I really do mean it when I say I'm powerless to do anything. There's only one person who could replace the wooden pillars with steel to reconstruct this family. The one person we're all worried most about."

"Hikaru?"

"Hikaru."

***

It was seeming more and more like fate each day that Hikaru should eavesdrop on a conversation that had something to do with her father. Needless to say, she was attracted to such topics. She had yet to find the strength to face her father, but her brothers seemed to be handling it well.

That is, except for Kakeru.

It had been a week since Kakeru moved out of the Shidou household and into an apartment closer to his university. Hikaru had decided to take Umi and Fuu's advice and to talk to him before he did anything "stupid", as Umi so bluntly put it. It had been too late, but the good news was that Kakeru assured Hikaru that if their father really was even the least bit honest, he would not fight Hikaru and leave again.

A week since Hikaru had even seen her older brother... the family really was crumbling into ashes.

Hikaru stood outside the family room, listening to her father and Masaru talking. Satoru was busy teaching a class, and her mother left to run some errands. Hikaru had just gotten back from school--Umi had a fencing match immediately after her classes were over, so they couldn't go to Cephiro--so she had only just begun to listen.

"If he didn't at least visit during New Year, he would be one hell of a hypocrite," came Masaru's voice. "He was really upset when you didn't come home that holiday out of all others."

"The first New Year's that I was gone, I was in Nagasaki," her father replied. "There's a really beautiful chapel there."

"Father..."

"Masaru-san, your older brother didn't tell me when I asked, and I'm sure he asked you to not tell me either, but I need to know: what promise did I break to Kakeru-san?"

Hikaru widened her eyes. He forgot?

Masaru sighed. "You're right. Satoru-niisan did tell me to not tell you. I think it's really unfair, and it wouldn't make much of a difference anymore... but I can't break my word to him."

"Masaru-san. Please. I know Kakeru-san will refuse to tell me, and Hikaru-san has been avoiding me. Had I hurt her, too, with the promise I broke? If I don't know what it was, I'll go crazy. I need to know what damage I have caused."

Masaru was silent, and Hikaru held her breath. Even after Kakeru had told her that their father had no intentions on fighting her again, she kept her distance from him for a reason even she had been unsure of. But if he forgot the promise, and if the family was going to get mended again, he had to know. That had to be true; it made perfect sense to Hikaru, but Satoru was wise. She trusted his judgment.

"It wasn't just a promise," said Masaru slowly, quietly. Hikaru could barely hear him. "You also lied. You said you left for work business, when in fact you actually left because of an embarrassing defeat. Do you remember that?"

"I'll be honest. No."

Another sigh. "Father, it's a no wonder why Kakeru is angry. As for the promise, it was a fleeting one, and really, I understand why you would have forgotten. I almost did. I think it just rolled off your tongue, but the worst part about it, and I think this is why Satoru doesn't want me to tell you. You weren't sincere when you said that you would be back for Kakeru's birthday."

Hikaru almost grinned slightly at that. It did sound childish.

"I... did, didn't I? Oh, I remember now. The guilt followed me around for a while, but somewhere along the lines, I forgot all about it. I think I might have been in Hokkaido at the time. Or Kyoto--I did spend some time in Houryuuji."

"You were all over the place, weren't you?"

"Yes. But Masaru-san, I didn't lie. You know that I don't lie. Everybody thinks I left just because Hikaru-san defeated me in kendo. That's not the whole story."

"What?"

What? Hikaru thought, wide-eyed. So Satoru had lied to her and Kakeru?

"But I thought," stuttered Masaru, "I thought... you left the same day that Hikaru defeated you! You never told us otherwise--"

"I did leave for business. It was for the good of the dojo if I left to become stronger. Not physically, mind you. I knew I had reached my limit. I needed to find mental strength. My quest for strength went around the route of Buddhist and Shinto shrines as well as many wise martial arts teachers. The reason I left the day Hikaru-san defeated me was because I had come to that realization. She opened my eyes."

"So, you really did leave for work business?"

"Yes."

There was a slam of fists impacting a table. "So we lived with a lie for twelve years?!"

Hikaru had had enough. She threw open the rice paper door and gaped at her father, sitting at the table with Masaru standing in umbrage across from him, and cried, "Why didn't you tell Kakeru-niisama, Father?"

The fire in Masaru's eyes vanished as he turned his head towards her. "Hikaru? You heard?"

Her father looked at Hikaru wistfully. "I didn't understand Kakeru-san's feelings. I knew he was upset, and I knew that he thought it was because I came home for a rematch against you, and I knew better than to tell him because he wouldn't have believed me at the time when I really should have told him. The damage had been done, either way, and there's nothing I could--or can--do to fix it."

"This is our fault," Masaru muttered as he slumped to the floor. "Satoru-niisan and I didn't... we were so young then, we couldn't interpret things right. We saw things practically and... what have we done?"

"Masaru-niisama, it's not your fault. Really," said Hikaru. "But... Kakeru-niisama has to know. Father, it's not too late to tell Kakeru-niisama. It's never too late to ask for Kakeru-niisama's forgiveness."

"It's only too early," said her father with a small smile. "I'll tell him when he visits the family not out of obligation, but because he wants to. This is one promise I make to you now that I have every intention on keeping. I will tell Kakeru-san when he's ready to listen."

"I don't believe this," Masaru muttered.

When he's ready...

Hikaru didn't know how long they would have to wait, and she hoped that Kakeru would be ready to hear the truth before something tragic happened. After all, she knew better than anyone else that while it was never too late to ask for forgiveness, it was almost always too late when it came to finding the real reason for people's motives.

Cephiro had taught her that.

If only Kakeru had been there when it happened.