Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Fall from Grace ❯ Aftermath ( Chapter 3 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

Aftermath

Kakashi came home furious today, with tears in his dark eyes. I haven't seen him like that in years. He said nothing but glared at me. Someone must have said something to him about me. I wonder what Kakashi did in response. Did he defend me like he would have in the past, or ignore the insult, or perhaps he agreed with them and renounced me?

Each time I see him he is so much bigger. It's hard being away on missions for so long. Before I knew it he was already a man - he made his first kill soon after being promoted to chuunin. Yet in reality he is still only a boy. He doesn't yet understand the kinds of impossible decisions a man has to make and the tragic mistakes they may become. To a child, the world is black and white. But in reality the shades of grey are often indistinct.

His eyes are dark like mine, his hair white like mine, a so-called genius like me, but he is different. He is serious and analytical. He always thinks with his head not his heart. They are distinct for him. He does not yet realize there are times when the mind and the heart struggle in opposition for greater control.

The Hokage no longer trusts me. I no longer have a team, no longer given missions, no longer a leader. No one wants to follow me. People have short memories don't they? They never remember the positive things in life yet they have long memories of the negative things. All that I've done in the past mean nothing at all anymore.

The incident and its aftermath were closely scrutinized in his mind during the long hours in his dimly lit room. There was nothing else to distract him so he spent his days thinking what else could he have done, should he have abandoned his comrades, could he have lived with that, could he live as he did now? Even in his dreams he could not escape the recurring flashbacks, the images of bloody bodies stacked upon bloodier bodies, the bodies with no faces and the faces with no bodies. Like a shell-shocked victim suffering from post traumatic stress, the events of that day haunted him during his waking and sleeping hours, as if one of the Uchiha clan had used tsukuyomi to force him to continuously relive that day. He could think of nothing else. How could he when those around him would neither forgive nor let him forget his actions.

Perhaps he could have lived with the cold stares, the harsh words, even the isolation, but not from him - his son who was the most precious to him, who had looked at him with such adoration and admiration. Now he would not meet his eyes. Now there's only silence. What had drawn his family and friends to him was what ultimately drove them away - his compassion.

He was alone now, completely alone, although they still lived in the same house. His son avoided his eyes, avoided speaking to him, avoided his presence, wolfing down his food, leaving early in the morning or staying out late at night. He had expected, or rather had hoped, his son would support him. His son whom he loved above all else, was suffering because of his actions - he was being blamed and shunned as well, even by people they had called their friends.

My son…we were so close. I was hoping he would understand. I've tried so hard to impress upon him the ideals of teamwork and friendship. But those ideals were my downfall. At least that's the way he sees it. Such a serious child, now even more so. What will happen to him?

Was what I did wrong? If I had to do it over…knowing what I know now…would I have made the same decision? Yes, I think so, in the spur of the moment who can think past their immediate feelings?

What is the function of a shinobi? To cast aside personal feelings and do what is best to protect the village and its people. I failed. I can no longer function as a shinobi. What is the honorable thing to do? To continue or to end it all?

He would be better off without me. He would no longer have to suffer the cold stares and harsh insults. Without me he would be shown sympathy, be forgiven and accepted.

You are my most precious one, I know I have disappointed you. I hope that in time you'll understand my decisions, including this one. May the Heavens forgive me even if the people of Konoha cannot.

-...-...-...-...-...-...-...-

His body was found in the study, laid out in almost ritual seppuku, but there was no kaishakunin to cease the pain of disembowelment. He was dressed in his ceremonial robes, stained black with blood. His hands still clutched his wakizashi now caked with viscera. A scroll, a brush, and a pot of ink stood just within reach of the immobile hands.

Sakumo's jisei no ku:

The sun sets after

Hours of brilliant glory

The moon sets after

Illuminating the night

But there are nights of darkness

-...-...-...-...-...-

End

Authors notes:

Seppuku - ritual suicide via disembowelment then normally followed by near decapitation

Kaishakunin - the attendant (the second) who does the beheading in seppuku

Wakizashi - a short sword often used in seppuku.

Jisei no ku - a death poem written as part of the seppuku ritual, usually waka-tanka style (5 line poem of 5/7/5/7/7 syllables), death is only alluded to via imagery

Kakashi's reaction to his father's death explored in TSUKUYOMI DREAMS