Naruto Fan Fiction ❯ Of Botched Plans and Gay Bars ❯ Chapter 1
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
A/N: I don't own Naruto or Gay Bar by Electric Six.
MATA!!!: Hey, guys, it's been awhile, hasn't it? Lol, well, enjoy this little piece of yaoiness. :D Oh, and please, for the sake of my poor heart, let's pretend that everyone is a perfect world, okay? No one is dying...no one will die! T.T I'm so distressed! I highly suggest you go listen to Gay Bar, by the way, good song, good song.
Of Botched Plans and Gay Bars
“I don't understand, I really don't I've tried everything,” Sasuke said to his former sensei, Kakashi.
“Well, you know how dense he is,” Kakashi answered, throwing a kunai at a wooden target. “I took Iruka six months to realise that when I said that I wanted to do him, I meant sex.”
“Wait,” Sasuke said, turning to Kakashi, “What the fuck else did he think you meant?”
“Had some crazy notion about practising cast settings. I have no clue where he got that from, but on the bright side I got to put him in a full body cast.”
Sasuke continued to stare at Kakashi in disbelief, “I can't wait six months from him to figure it out.”
“Then do something dramatic, like, wait in his bed naked.”
“You serious?” Sasuke asked.
“Yea, how do you think I got Iruka?” Sasuke only sweat dropped in reply.
The Next Day
“Ohmigod! Sasuke, what happened to you face!?” Itachi cried, running towards his little brother.
“It's nothing,” Sasuke grumbled brushing away his brothers' hand, and rubbing his reddened cheek.
“It's not nothing!” Itachi yelled, “Are you brining down the family name by losing in fights!? Maybe I should just start training you harder!”
“No!” Sasuke cried, “I'll tell you what happened.”
“Yay!” Itachi squealed.
“You know, I liked you better when you were a cold hearted bastard,” Sasuke grumbled.
“I can't help it, Sasuke, I'm just so happy we're alive and together again!” The former terrorist spun around the room, “I've always wanted a happily ever after.”
“Do you want to hear this or not!?” Sasuke screamed when his brother started emitting pheromones.
“Oh, do tell.” Itachi batted his eyelashes.
“I tried to seduce Naruto. I did what that stupid Kakashi-sensei said and I waited naked in his bed.”
“And he slapped you?”
“Er, no, see...I had to go to the bathroom and when I came out he was there, and I kind of snuck up on him and he freaked.”
“Ahahahahahahahaha! That's too bad little brother, you should have tried something a bit more subtle.” Itachi laughed and patted Sasuke's cheek.
“Like what?” Sasuke grumbled.
“Flowers or something, maybe get him a weight training machine, like for his training.”
Sasuke nodded thoughtfully and headed upstairs, leaving Itachi to paint his nails.
The Next Day...Again
“Sasuke! Are you okay!?” Sakura rushed towards the limping jounin. “What happened to you?” She began examining him over.
“Fucking Naruto, that's what,” Sasuke grumbled.
“Eh!?” Sakura gasped, “He beat you up this badly while sparring? That's not possible!”
“We weren't sparring,” Gimpsuke answered trying to pass the girl without any further questioning. All he wanted was to get home without being chased by fangirls, and beat his brother up for giving him such bad advice.
“So what were you doing?” Sakura rushed after him.
“Nothing that concerns you,” He bit out.
“You're so mean Sasuke! Fine, if you won't tell me I'm sure Naruto will!” With that the pink haired girl turned to leave.
“Wait, Sakura, I'll tell you!” Sasuke called after her. Sakura grinned evilly and turned back to Sasuke, waiting, “I...I bought him a weight machine.”
“A what?” Sakura looked confused.
“You know, a machine to build up muscles, I bought him one...to get him to go out with me...”
“WHAT!?” Sakura screeched and whacked Sasuke upside the head, “WHAT THE HELL IS THE MATTER WITH YOU!?”
“What!?” Sasuke yelled back.
“Why the hell would you buy him a weight machine to get him to go out with you!? Why not flowers or something!?”
“I didn't know if he'd like flowers...and I figured he'd like the extra training equipment...,” Sasuke growled then added, “At least that's what Itachi figured.”
Sakura slapped him again. “Why the fuck would you ask your brother for romantic advice!?”
“Because Kakashi's didn't work!” Sasuke screamed back.
This time Sakura punched him in the chest sending him flying, “YOU IDIOT!”
“I'm never telling you anything again!” Sasuke yelled storming away, only to find Sakura right next to him.
“Tell me what happened from the beginning, and by that I mean with Kaka-sensei, too,” she demanded.
Sasuke sighed and said, “No.”
“Sasuke,” she warned.
“Fine. Kakashi told me to wait naked in his bed, expect it got fucked up and I ended up scaring him half to death and he slapped me. Hard. Then Itachi found out and told me to buy him flowers or a weight machine so I went with the weight machine because it was more practical.”
“Oh, Sasuke, you were being thoughtful in your own way!” Sakura sighed, hearts in her eyes.
“Right,” Sasuke dead panned. “Anyway, when he saw he freaked out and thought I was saying he was out of shape and he told me he'd show me who was out of shape.”
“Well, it was your fault, you know how sensitive Naruto is about his weight after that ramen eating contest debacle,” Sakura chastised.
“Whatever, I'm going home,” Sasuke stated and tried to pick up his pace.
“Wait, don't you want to know how to get Naruto?” Sakura asked.
“I'm done with taking advice from psychos, thank you very much,” Sasuke said over his shoulder.
“WHAT DID YOU SAY!?” Sakura's ears began to spill steam as she stalked towards the youngest Uchiha.
“Ah! Please guide me in the ways of love sensei!!!!” Sasuke cried in fear.
“That's better. Now, here's what you've got to do. You've got to serenade him,” Sakura said knowingly.
“With that song?”
“That's up to you; just make sure it's appropriate, okay? Anyway, you can tell me how well it worked later, I have to go see Rock Lee now, bye bye!”
Sasuke watched the girl walk away, a little distraught, “Serenade him, huh?”
The Day After
“Hey, Naruto, can I talk to you?”
“Sasuke!” Naruto jumped, “What are you doing here?”
“I just said I wanted to talk to you, Dobe,” Sasuke rolled his eyes.
“Don't call me a dobe, teme!” Naruto screamed.
“Whatever, come with me,” Sasuke began walking away, hands in pockets.
“What's this about, bastard, come tell me I'm fat again? Or show off your non-fat body?” Naruto huffed when they were a few metres away from the ramen shop.
“No, Naruto, you're not fat.”
“Then why did you do those things to tell me I was!” Naruto said accusatorily.
“I didn't I did them so...listen, okay I have something I want you to hear.” Sasuke turned his back on the angry blond and said to a few men standing nearby, “Hit it.”
“What the-?” Naruto stared in disbelief as the men whipped out two guitars, a set of drums and a tambourine.
“One, two, three!” The tambourine man said, and the guitar started up, suddenly Sasuke turned back to Naruto with a fierce look in his eyes.
“You!” Sasuke sand, “I wanna take you to a gay bar! I wanna take you to a gay bar! I wanna take you to a gay bar, gay bar, gay bar! ” At this point the villagers that had been passing stopped and stared
“Uh...Sasuke?” Naruto began when the Uchiha started dancing towards him.
“Let's start a war!” Sasuke sang salaciously, “Start a nuclear war, at the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar!” Sasuke started to grind on Naruto and the blond jumped back in shock. Staring around at all the people Naruto panicked, and ran. “WOW!”
Sasuke, the band and the villagers ran after Naruto.
“Get away from me you pervert!” Naruto screamed, dodging small children.
“AT THE GAY BAR!” Sasuke yelled, jumping over a barrel Naruto threw at him, the band and village right on his heels.
Sakura who was on her way back from seeing Rock Lee stood stock still as Naruto, Sasuke, a band and the entire village ran by her.
“HELP ME, SAKURA!!!” Naruto pleaded on the way by.
Closing her eyes, she let out a breath and screamed “SASUKE, THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT!!!”
“Are you insane!?” Naruto called back, throwing a few kunai bombs behind him, as a random clapping solo started up.
“Of course not!” Sasuke laughed back, then continued his song, “I've got something to put in you!”
“I don't want it!” Naruto cried.
“I've got something to put in you!” Sasuke repeated.
“I don't want, I don't want, I don't want!!! Gahh!!!” Naruto cried once more, dashing into a crowded mall to try and lose his pursuers.
“I've got something to put in you!” Sasuke and the crowd followed Naruto into the mall he was now ninja running through. “At the gay bar, gay bar, gay bar!”
“I don't want to go to any gay bar you bastard!” Naruto screamed, leaving the mall, and making a break for a short cut to his house using an alleyway.
“You're a superstar, at the gay bar,” Sasuke sand lowly.
Naruto headed into the alley only to find that the village had block all possible exits and were stand guard on the roof, panicking Naruto turned around only to find Sasuke and Band stalking towards him.
“You're a superstar, at the gay bar.” Sasuke grabbed him by the front of his jacket and whispered in his ear, “Superstar.”
“Sasuke!!!” Naruto screamed, trying to break free, but it was too late, for out poor little blond.
“Superstar.” The word ghosted over Naruto's lips and suddenly Sasuke was kissing him and kissing him damn good, too. Putting up a bit more of a fight, Naruto finally gave in when Sasuke's hands found their way under his jacket.
“Mhmm,” Naruto moaned into the kiss, gripping the taller mans shoulders.
Around them cheers erupted and the band played a snippet of Michael Jacksons “Dirty Diana,” before leaving.
Once the kiss broke, Naruto pulled away from Sasuke and punched him in the jaw.
“What the hell was that for!?” Sasuke screamed.
“THAT WAS THE SCARIEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME, ASSHOLE!” Naruto screamed back, “First you tell me I'm fat now you want to take me to a gay bar!”
“I never said you were fat!”
“Whatever; where the hell is this gay bar? I'm hungry,” Naruto said as he began to walk away.
“There is no gay bar,” Sasuke said his he walked after him.
“Now you're lying to me about that too!?” Naruto accused.
“Ugh, it was a song, dobe. And I bought you that machine so you'd like me,” Sasuke answered, looking away in embarrassment.
Naruto's eyes went wide and shiny when he realised what was going on. “You love me!” He grinned, “Sasuke loves me!” He singsonged.
“Shut up,” Sasuke grumbled, and began walking away.
“Ahh, Sasuke wait!” Naruto ran after the black haired nin, “Don't you want to hear what I have to say?”
“No,” Sasuke said bluntly.
“I love you, too.”
Sasuke stopped and turned to see Naruto's sweetly smiling face. “Are you serious?”
“Yup. Since we were thirteen, I think. Pathetic, right?” Naruto laughed.
“Then why did you hit my when I was in your apartment?”
“You scared the shit out of me! Who the hell waits in someone's apartment naked!?” Naruto cried.
“Kakashi,” Sasuke mumbled.
“What? I didn't hear that.”
“Nothing,” Sasuke answered, grabbing Naruto's hand and leading him down the street. They walked in contented silence for a few moments before Naruto spoke.
“Hey, Sasuke, is there really no gay bar?”
A/N: Haha, that was fun. Okay, review if you like! :D