Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Why Sailor Pluto Hates The Bet ❯ Episode 2: When Moon-Cats Attack! -Or- The Cat, the Demon-Queen, and the Tomboy ( Chapter 2 )

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET

by P.H. Wise

key:

< > indicates English speech

" " indicates Japanese speech

. o O ( ) indicates thoughts (sometimes)

--=- DISCLAIMER -=--

I don't own Ranma. I don't own Evangelion. I don't own Sailor Moon. I don't own the Antediluvians. I don't own a pair of rubber pants, either, so stop asking.

--=- END DISCLAIMER -=--

Episode 2: When Moon-Cats Attack!

-Or-

The cat, the demon-queen, and the tomboy

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The sun rose blood red that morning, its angry rays casting their darkened glare upon the whole city of Nermia, its light making it seem as though the entire district covered in blood. While ordinarily there would have been birds chirping and flying about. Today, while there WERE birds flying about, they weren't chirping. Crows and ravens rarely chirp, you know. The carrion-fowl cawed harshly to one another, circling the city in search of an easy meal. In the distance, one could make out bright flashes of light coming from the Tokyo Tower as the Antediluvians duked it out, their every blow sending off massive shockwaves of power as the Technocracy prepared to nuke the site from orbit. In the meantime, the entire population of the Beast Courts of Japan was converging on the site, every last one of them in their crinos-form equivalent. Boiling seas! Fire raining from the sky! Dogs and cats living together! Complete chaos!

Of course, all of that was happening in the city of Nermia, which has absolutely nothing to do with our story, seeing as how it takes place in the city of Nerima. Oh, did I say city? I meant district, of course. Everyone knows that Nerima isn't a city in itself, but rather a district of Tokyo, RIGHT!? *glances significantly at certain Ranma fanfic authors who shall go unnamed*

In any case, the residents of Nerima probably wouldn't have noticed even if Gehenna HAD been taking place on their doorsteps. Certainly not Ranma, in any case. No, Ranma had other more pressing matters on his mind. What, you ask, could be a matter more pressing than the end of the world? Why, the thing that all teenagers dread. That institution which sucks the very life out of your body, reduces your mind to mush, and makes you wish that you were not counted among the living.

"School?" Otoko-Ranma asked, seeming somewhat nonplussed. "I have to go to school?" He sat at the kitchen table with his father and the Tendos. They had just finished breakfast, and he was none too pleased with Genma's pronouncement. "You're kidding, right?"

"Well," said his father, "we ARE going to be staying awhile."

"It's the same school me and Akane go to!" said Nabiki as she grabbed her bag and headed towards the front gate. "We'll see you there!"

"Nabiki!" Akane called, rising to her feet and scrambling for her own bag, "Wait! I'll go with you!"

"What're you talking about?" Nabiki asked, "Ranma is your fiancé, remember? You should walk him to school!"

Akane looked at Ranma, and Ranma looked right back, his face oddly expressionless.

Several minutes later, the two were on their way to school; Akane walking along on the sidewalk and Ranma using the fence that went alongside the canal. It would have been a fairly uneventful trip, too, had not Ranma, right in the middle of showing off (it's balance practice, really it is!), gotten right in front of an old woman who was in the middle of washing an enormous bloodstain off of the sidewalk in front of her home. A splash of cold water later Ranma had gone from a handsome pig-tailed teenaged boy with black hair and blue eyes to a gorgeous pig-tailed teenaged girl with pale skin, blue hair, and red eyes.

Ranma's eye twitched slightly.

Akane shook her head incredulously. In the less than twenty four hours that she had known Ranma, he had somehow managed to get splashed almost thirty times already. It seemed that he couldn't last more than a few minutes in guy form without getting splashed somehow, no matter how impossible the angle or how unlikely the situation might seem. "Come on," she said, "let's go."

Onna-Ranma looked at Akane, her expression blank.

"What?" Akane asked, growing slightly annoyed.

"Do you think I want to start school as a girl?" Ranma asked, her voice empty of emotion - almost as if she were stating a fact instead of asking a question.

Akane sighed. "Alright, come on. We can stop at the local clinic to get some hot water."

A few minutes later found Ranma standing outside of Doctor Tofu's clinic, trying to look inconspicuous as she waited for Akane to retrieve the hot water that would return her to her true gender. "Hooooo boy," she said flatly, shaking her head, "what a way to start the..."

Suddenly, Ranma's danger sense flared as a bony hand reached out from behind her... and met a red energy field that had flashed into existence before it could touch her shoulder. The moment the skeleton's hand touched the field, both it and the one who held it were flung bodily to the ground.

Ranma whirled around to face her opponent… and then blinked in surprise as she saw the young doctor Tofu lying flat on his back, a plastic skeleton in hand. What was that feeling? It was... distant. Muted. Her cheeks should have been flushing red, but they weren't. Mechanically, she helped the young doctor to his feet. "Gomen."

Tofu shook his head, not entirely certain as to exactly what had just happened. After all, even for Nerima, this was more than a little bit odd. "Nothing… nothing to worry about, dear," he said, "I … er… that is…"

"Ranma, here's the hot..." Akane trailed off as she noticed the presence of Doctor Tofu.

"Ah, Akane! Is this girl a friend of yours?"

"Oh, doctor! Um… good morning!" Akane said, smacking the kettle that she had been carrying into Ranma's head. Blushing heavily, she nonetheless managed to indicate the pig-tailed girl with a pointed finger and say, "This is Ranma."

"I see." said the doctor, still somewhat shaken up by his encounter with the red barrier of energy. "Well... good morning to you!" he said as he turned and walked quickly into the clinic.

Akane sighed, waiting a few moments for the burning in her cheeks to subside before glancing Ranma's way. "Hey," she began, "Aren't you going to change?"

"Ah, right." She quickly took the kettle from where it had rested on top of her head and used it to return to her male form. As she became a he, he smiled and stretched a bit, and life and expression came back into his bearing. "That's better."

Akane frowned faintly as they continued on their way. "Does it hurt?" she asked.

"What?"

"The change. It looks like it probably hurts."

Ranma shook his head. "Nah. It kinda tingles for a sec, and everythin' feels colder until I change back. That's about it."

Akane nodded thoughtfully. And that was when she realized exactly what time it was. "AAAAAH! Ranma, we're gonna be late!"
The two took off running down the street and would have made it on time, too, if they hadn't come across a group of young kids who were apparently torturing a small animal. This was actually a fairly common occurrence in this area, but it still bothered Ranma enough that he stopped running and moved towards the kids.

"Hey!" he called. "Whadda you brats think yer doin'!?"

Akane blinked, looking at Ranma with a curious expression.

The group of nearly identical platinum-haired, white-eyed children looked up at Ranma in unison. At first they tried to telepathically force him to ignore them and walk away, but as it turns out he was both too stupid and too stubborn for them to actually make telepathic contact with him.

Ranma frowned and cracked his knuckles, having a sinking suspicion that someone had just insulted him, but stuck as he was inside the story and unable to break the fourth wall, he was unable to do anything about it.

Faced with the prospect of a confrontation with a very angry looking teenager on whom their evil mind-controlling powers would not work, the group of kids was quick to vacate the area. However much they wanted to torment the creature, it didn't compare to their fear of being beaten up by someone they couldn't just mentally dominate.

When the dust of their passage had cleared, Ranma looked down at the animal that they had been torturing. "Hey, it's a cat," he said, picking the creature up by the scruff of it's neck and generally not screaming in fear and running away or otherwise displaying signs of having undergone neko-ken training. "What's with the stupid bandage on it's forehead?" he wondered aloud.

The cat wasn't terribly pleased with being held up by the scruff of its neck, as was evidenced by the fact that it was desperately trying to claw Ranma's face off. Not that he cared.

Akane reached out and removed the bandage from its forehead, revealing a golden crescent moon beneath. At that moment, the cat finally succeeded in clawing Ranma, who immediately dropped the thing. It landed on its feet and backed away from the two teenagers, hissing the whole time.

"Well, that was odd," said Akane.

Ranma nodded faintly and for once, DIDN'T open his mouth. Off in the direction of the school, the five minute warning bell rang.

"AAAK! Ranma, we're gonna be late!"

********

Hurricane Akane hit the school grounds at precisely 7:57 that morning; three minutes before the bell. Akane made excellent time through the pervert-brigade, leaving quite a trail of devastation in her wake (and completely ignored Ranma's questioning in regards to what the hell was going on anyways, and why is that guy throwing roses at you).

Akane glared darkly at the rose that she had just snatched out of the air. Great. Him.

Yes, Him. And Akane would have had to face Him, too, had not three kindergarteners flown up at that moment and kicked his sorry rear end all the way back to Townsville.

"Man, this place is weird," said Ranma, who was not quite certain of how to react to what was happening around him.

"Such a boorish lot," came a very arrogant voice from behind the tree that the rose had come flying from. A moment later, Kuno Tatewaki stepped out from behind said tree, clad in a gi top with kendo pants, a boken held in his right hand. "Evidently," he continued, "Each of them intends to ask you out, Akane… on the dawn that he finally defeats you."

"Oh." Said Akane, sounding bored out of her mind, "Sempai. Ohayo."

Kuno smiled faintly, and a handful of sakura petals drifted by on the wind. "And now… Akane Tendo… might you fight with me?"

Ranma hopped down from his perch on the wall surrounding the school, landing lightly next to Akane. "Man, you're popular, aren't you?"

Akane was about to respond, but at that moment, another voice interjected. "Kuno, hold off."

Kuno glanced towards the new voice, seeming angry that anyone would even presume to tell him what to do. When he saw who it was who had spoken, however, he immediately straightened. "Oh, of course, Sanzenin-san," he said.

Sanzenin Mikado nodded, giving Akane his most winning smile. "I'll expect to be repaid later," he said as he walked inside.

Akane and Ranma stared, completely nonplussed. Still, they did end up getting to class on time, so I guess I was lying about how they would have been on time had they not run into the group of platinum-haired children a few paragraphs back.

********

"Class," began the teacher (a blonde-haired, well muscled man wearing a white tank top and a pair of jeans), "today we're going to welcome two new students to our school. First of all, let's say hello to Ranma Saotome. Ranma, you know the drill."

Ranma blinked in surprise. "Er, yeah, ok," he said. "I'm Ranma Saotome. I like martial arts."

Everyone looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. After a few moments of silence, the teacher coughed slightly before asking, "Is there anything else that you like to do?"

Ranma thought about that for a moment. "Oh, right. I like eating and sleeping, too!"

Akane's eye twitched slightly.

The teacher grinned, "A man after my own heart. Anyways, Ranma, take the empty seat next to Miss Tendo. Now for our next student: everyone say hello to Hino Asuka. Asuka, tell us about yourself."

A very cute young girl with long red hair stepped forward with a confident look on her face. She wasn't entirely Japanese, but no one really seemed to care, seeing as how everyone in the nation of Japan at that time, though claiming to be nihonjin, were actually animejin, and thus resembled Americans more than anything else (except that everyone had bigger eyes and the women tended to have much bigger busts than is physically possible. That is to say, most of the girls in the classroom [except for Akane] technically should have had spines bent like limp noodles. I'm still not sure how they were able to move around without experiencing some severe back pain, but that's beside the point). After introducing herself as Hino Asuka, the red-headed girl was instructed to take the empty seat just behind Akane.

"Sensei?" Asuka asked, "Why are so many empty seats next to that one girl?"

The teacher glanced towards Akane's desk and took note of the three other empty seats that surrounded her. He then gestured towards the window. All eyes followed the movement. There, out in the courtyard just below the window, lay the still unconscious hentai-brigade.

Asuka blinked, looking faintly disturbed. "Oh. Right. Stupid question."

The teacher nodded. "Yup." His face took on a somewhat evil looking grin. "Anyways, since Hino and Saotome haven't met me yet: I'm Onizuka-sensei. Welcome to class."

And that seems a good enough spot as any for an intermission. Feel free to use the restroom, or perhaps grab some popcorn or some soda from the concession stands in the lobby. Please remember that outside food and drink are not permitted within the theater, and anyone who chooses to violate this policy will be shot. Thank you.

*INTERMISSION*

Mendel's machines replicate in the night

In the black iron prison of St. Augustine's light

He's paying the bills and they're doing him proud

They can float their burnt offerings on assembler clouds

With omega point in the sight

The new Franklins fly their kites

And the post modern empire is ended tonight

From history

The flood of counterfeits released

The black cloud

Reductionism and the beast

Automatons gather all the pieces

So the world may be increased

In simulation jubilation

For the deceased...

Spray-on clothes and diamond jaws

Wrinkles smoothed by nanoclaws

With my machines I can dispatch you

From this world without a trace

Our nostalgia ghosts are ready to take your place

Content-shifting shopping malls

Gasoline trees and walk-through walls

None of them knew...

I feel the grey goo boiling my blood

As I watch the dead rise up out of the earth

Try to hide from the lies as they all come true

Deus absconditus

Deus nullus deus nisi deus

I feel the grey goo boiling my blood

As the fenris wolf slowly bites through his chain

Try to hide the myth as it becomes a man

None of them knew they were robots

Buying an X or an O

In state craft tic tac toe

Cats game for Joe Blow

Post industrial bliss

A binary hug or kiss

Can be wrung from utility mist

They stole the great arcanum

The secret fire

Moloch found his gold

For the new empire

Once again

The necrophage becomes saint

Lindy hop around the truth

Jump back wolf pack attack

Swingin' up there in the noose

Slap back white shark attack

Lindy hop around the truth

Jump back wolf pack attack

Swingin' up there in the noose

Slap back white shark attack

Phased array diffraction nets

From full-wall paint-on TV sets

Migratory home sublets

And time shared diamond fiber sets

Recombinant logos keys

Bitic Qabalistic trees

I feel the grey goo boiling my blood

As leviathan and his bugs freeze the sea

Try to save the world by immolating myself

From history

The flood of counterfeits released

The black cloud

The resurrection of the deceased

Automatons gather all the pieces

So the world may be increased

In simulation jubilation

For the builders

Of the body of the beast

- `None of Them Knew They Were Robots',

Mr. Bungle

*END INTERMISSION*

We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

********

"Hey, did you hear?" one girl asked another.

"No, what?"

"That Asuka girl. She's really weird."

"Ya think?"

"No, I mean, I heard she's got all sorts of weird psychic powers, and that she's living up at the old Hikawa shrine with her grandfather!"

"Who cares about that!" came a third voice, "I hear that Mikado-sama is the greatest kisser in the world! Azusa-chan told me that it makes you feel totally weak in the knees! One of her friends even fainted in Mikado-sama's arms!"

"..."

"..."

"What? What does that look mean?"

(in English) "<Our friend is very weird.>"

(in English) "<I agree. She's scaring me more and more every day.>"

"HEY! Stop talking like that! You KNOW I don't understand you…!"

********

Unaware of the gossip going on around them, Ranma and Akane sat together eating lunch at one of the tables that had been set out for that purpose within the front courtyard of the school. Though there were other students about, Ranma and Akane were the only ones sitting at that particular table. Perhaps this had something to do with the fact that these `other students' who were about were in fact the hentai-brigade, most of which STILL had not regained consciousness.

"So Akane, what was that all about this morning, anyways?"

Akane sighed. "It's Kuno's fault. He made this stupid speech saying that anyone who wanted to date me first had to defeat me in combat. Ever since then..." she trailed off, taking a moment to deliver a savage kick to the side of one of the hentais who had finally begun to move again.

Ranma blinked. "You mean you fight with Kuno EVERY MORNING?"

Akane nodded. "And for some reason, I always win!"

Ranma opened his mouth to respond with something intelligent, but for some strange reason he got his foot lodged in there between his vocal chords, so what came out was, "He was probably holding back."

Akane frowned. "Don't underestimate me. I've been training..." Just then she was interrupted by a loud yell.

"NEVER, RANMA SAOTOME!" cried Kuno Tatewaki as he came out of nowhere and flung his bucket full of water at Ranma.

Time seemed to slow for Ranma as the water came flying at him. His eyes widened. He leaped into the air, flipping back and away from the water... seconds too late. As the water struck him, and the now familiar tingling sensation began to spread across his body, shame rose up in his mind. The curse revealed to the whole school on the first day of class. He had hoped that the rest of the students would never have to find out about it. Fate, it seems, had other plans. The change washed over Ranma, reshaping his body and wrapping his mind in cold. In an instant, he was both wet and female.

So blinded by his stupidity was Kuno that he didn't actually notice; he continued his charge, raising his boken to strike... only to collide with a strangely geometrical barrier of energy.

There was a flash of light, and the smell of ozone filled the air as Kuno went flying into the trunk of a nearby tree. Seeing as how the force of the impact knocked him unconscious, he was unable to rise to his feet and claim to fight on, or to declare his love for the pigtailed girl, or much of anything else, really.

A shocked murmur ran through the lunchtime crowd as they stared at the newly female form of Ranma Saotome. Onna-Ranma blinked, looking blankly at the crowd of students. The murmuring grew louder, and the crowd continued to stare.

Akane's battle aura appeared.

Onna-Ranma blinked.

Everyone continued to stare.

The spell was broken when Akane finally spoke. "Why didn't you dodge that!? Now everyone's going to think I'm some kind of freak for being engaged to you!" Her eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hands when she realized what she had just said.

"Engaged!?"

"Akane-chan got engaged!?"

"Akane-chan's a lesbian?"

"No, the blue-haired girl was a guy a minute ago!"

"Hey, did you see what she did to Kuno?"

"I always knew that Akane-chan swung that way."

"But do you really think we'll find rubber pants in that size?"

Everyone turned to stare at the speaker for a moment, who cringed and tried to shrink into the ground. The student was saved from further embarrassment, however, because that very moment was when Akane finally snapped. A swift uppercut launched Onna-Ranma into Low Earth Orbit, pursued by the blood chilling, "RANMA NO BAKA!"

********

In a nearby tree, a black cat with a crescent moon mark on her forehead crouched low, watching the proceedings with what looked like nothing so much as a look of concern on her face. Shaking her head, the cat spoke aloud. "I'd better report this to Central Control. If that girl really is Ayanami..." she trailed off and shuddered before leaping down from the tree and padding silently away.

********

"You've already graduated from college, Hino-san?"

Asuka nodded. "I've got degrees in three separate areas."

"Then... if you don't mind me asking, why are you going to school here?"

Asuka's expression darkened. "I don't want to talk about it," she said. That was a rather sore subject for her, and not one that she wanted to share with people that she had just met. She had just finished her lunch, and was now talking to a large group of girls (with one or two guys as well).

"So," one of the girls - Sayuri - asked, "Is it true that you're living at the Hikawa shrine? That's where that old perverted priest lives, you know."

Asuka's eye twitched slightly. "That perverted old priest is my grandfather, Sayuri."

Sayuri flushed red. "Ah, gomen! But it's true! He IS a total pervert! He goes out every night to steal people's panties!"

Asuka found that she had a little trouble believing that. Her grandfather may be a dirty old man, but a panty-thief as well? That seemed just a little bit much to her. She was about to say so, when a young girl dressed in Chinese clothes with blue hair, pale skin and red eyes fell out of the sky and landed on top of her, sending her sprawling. The other students took a few steps backwards, not entirely sure of how to react to this situation.

"SCHEIS..." Asuka started to shout as the girl landed on her. She couldn't finish the statement, however, as she hit the ground poorly and ended up with the wind knocked out of her.

The blue-haired girl climbed to her feet, her face blank. Asuka was up a moment later, none too pleased. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DUMMKOPF!?"

The other girl shrugged.

Asuka frowned. "You just landed on me and you don't even care? Why aren't you smiling or something? Even if I don't care for being used as a landing pad, you should feel honoured for being able to land on someone as wonderful as me!"

A few of the other girls giggled at that. Asuka COULDN'T be saying that seriously, could she?

The blue-haired girl didn't even bother to respond.

Asuka's frowned deepened. This was getting annoying. "I hate dolls," she said.

THAT got a reaction. The blue-haired girl actually FROWNED and turned to look at Asuka! "I'm not a doll," she said, "I'm Ranma Saotome..."

The universe held it's breath.

"Sorry about this."

And there was great rejoicing.

Yet the universe had only a little time to rejoice, for Sanzenin Mikado took that moment to approach the group.

The moment that young man's eyes fell upon onna-Ranma his face lit up with a ridiculously self-assured smile. "Why hello there," he said, moving to a spot that was well within what Ranma would have ordinarily considered to have been his personal space. However, with her emotions muted by her being in her cursed form, she was only distantly aware of the annoyance that she felt. Before she could even really register that it was there, Mikado continued, his voice pitched at what we can only assume he thought to be a seductive tone. "I don't think I've seen you before: may I have the honour of knowing your name?"

Onna-Ranma blinked, glancing at the blonde student who had just approached her. "You talkin' to me?" she asked.

"I am!" he said, bowing deeply. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Sanzenin Mikado, and I'm quite pleased to meet one as lovely as you." And with that he stepped towards Ranma and, before she even realized what he was trying to do, kissed her passionately on the lips.

Ranma stood there in total shock, either not quite grasping what had just happened or perhaps simply not willing to believe it. Everyone else, Asuka included, watched wide-eyed.

"Wow, it really IS true!" said Sayuri excitedly, "Sanzenin-san IS the best kisser ever! Look! Ranma's at a loss for words!" Sayuri frowned. "Wait... Ranma?"

Mikado smiled to himself and began to walk away, satisfied that he had not only gained a surprising amount of energy from that particular kiss, but also that he had made the day of a lovely young girl.

Poor Mikado.

Ranma stood there as it slowly sank in. She had just been kissed. On the lips. By a guy. Kissed. By a guy. Cracks formed in the ice that her cursed form placed around her emotional state. The ice, it seemed, was only a thin crust. It had been punctured, and the hatred surged out like liquid fire. Distantly, she was aware that something was wrong, that this wasn't the way things should be... but by then the raw and unbridled hatred that had welled up within her had already carried her off. Her eyes flared a wicked undying red as she took a step towards Mikado. "How... DARE YOU!" she yelled, her voice causing the ground to shake beneath their feet.

The bystanders began to back away as Mikado whirled around, his eyes wide with surprise. "What the hell!?" he exclaimed...

********* NOTICE: WE ARE UNABLE TO AIR THE FOLLOWING SCENE DUE TO ITS HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT NATURE. PLEASE ENJOY THIS SERIES OF LOVELY NATURE PICTURES INSTEAD. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE. - THE MPAA RATINGS BOARD *********

Picture 1: A fawn grazing in the middle of a meadow, its mother standing right by its side.

*bloodcurdling screams begin to sound in the background*

Mikado's voice: "Noooo! PLEASE, NO!!!!"

Onna-Ranma's voice: "Kono yaro!!!!!!"

*the sound of bones snapping echoes through the air, followed by more screams*

Picture 2: An amazingly cute fluffy little bunny lying down next to an equally cute kitten and puppy.

Mikado: "ONEGAI! I want to live! ONEEEGAAAAAI!!!!!!!"

Onna-Ranma: "YOU BASTARD! SHUT UP AND DIE!"

*we hear the sound of bones grinding against each other, followed by another sickening crunch, and then several snaps fairly similar to the sound of a chopstick being broken in half, followed by the sound of a liquid of some sort being splattered on the ground*

Mikado: "IIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT KNIFE!? AAAAAAH! MY ARM! PLEASE, NO! OH GOD, IT HURTS!!!!!"

Picture 3: Ryo-ohki plays tag with Sasami in the middle of a forest, both of them looking happier and more at peace than they have ever been. Ryo-ohki miyas cutely, and Sasami giggles and pats Ryo-Ohki on the head.

Mikado: "It hurts, it hurts, it hurts!! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP!!!! I don't want to die! I DON'T TO DIE! Please, I'll do anything, if only you-- AAAAH!!! IIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA..........!!!!!"

*the final picture fades away*

**** WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE DISRUPTION. PLEASE ENJOY THE REST OF THE STORY ****

Ranma smiled contentedly and dusted off her somewhat bloody hands as she walked away from the site of the `challenge.' The students who had been present when the beating began were now long gone save only one or two die-hards of the temperament that rendered them able to appreciate the artistry of the beating that girl-type Ranma had just administered.

As for Mikado... well, he would not be walking away from the beating that he had taken, seeing as how he had been smashed into a bizarre, bloody pretzel-like shape with not a single bone in his body remaining unbroken. Including those little itty bitty bones in your ears that you learn about in school and never think of again.

As we leave this scene, we shall, I think, pause a moment to watch as Mikado's still living body twitches a few times.

Mikado twitched.

Mikado twitched a second time, moaning in pain. Blood leaked from his wounds.

Ok, we're done. Let's move on.

********

The Crown Game Center was dark and empty when Luna arrived, and that was well, for she would not have been able to make her report otherwise. Softly she padded her way up to the Sailor V video game, that same concerned look on her face that she had worn when watching the events at Furinkan high school.

Glancing about quickly in a last minute check for any sign of humans, Luna placed her paw on the screen of the game. A blurry white face appeared.

"PASSWORD PLEASE," came the male voice of the blurry white face.

Luna's eyebrow twitched.
"PASSWORD PLEASE," the voice repeated.

Luna sighed, cleared her throat, and then began to sing softly and somewhat indistinctly.
The voice from the game spoke again. "LOUDER, PLEASE."

Luna glared at the game before finally singing out loud...

"~G R Double-E N Leaves

G R Double-E N Leaves

It's so easy! Happy-go-lucky!

We are the world! We did it!

Hyuu! Hyuu! Hyuu! Hyuu! Osu! Osu! Osu! Osu! (Ai!)

Yatta! Yatta!

Daigaku gohgaku

Yatta! Yatta!

Sacho shuunin

Happa ichimai areba ii. Ikite iru kara lucky da...!~"

As she finished the verse of the song, Luna glared at the game. "Satisfied?" she asked.

From the game there came a sound that was suspiciously similar to snickering, and then the voice said, "You forgot to wear the leaf, and you didn't dance."

Luna GLARED. >.<

The voice continued: "But it's forgivable. Password accepted. Agent Luna identified."

Luna grumbled something about finding `central control' and killing them before beginning her report. "Central Control, I want you to analyze this picture and compare it with any known records of the Demon-Queen. This is a girl who attends the local high school... her name is Ranma Saotome." She held up the picture to the machine.

The white face considered the picture for a moment before replying, "100% match. Probability of the two being one and the same: 100%."

Luna shook her head in dismay. "So she's awake already. This is going to be difficult."

The white face spoke then, "Find the Sailor Senshi, Luna. They'll be able to deal with this threat."

Luna frowned. "The Sailor Senshi... but I still haven't been able to find even one of them!" She blinked. "Wait a minute..."

"Do you know something, Luna?"

Luna smiled faintly (as well as a cat can). "Maybe," she said as she leaped down from the game machine and scampered away.

********

Battered, broken, and bloody, Sanzenin Mikado appeared before Queen Beryl's throne. She had not changed position from when we had last seen her: she still sat with her fingers steepled in front of her face peering into the floating crystal bong... er, I mean ball. She smirked at the sight of Mikado, though you'd never have known it with her hands covering her mouth like that.

"I see that you have returned, Giovannite. Have you brought me the kissing energy that you promised?"

Mikado, AKA Giovannite, twitched a few times.

"Well?"

Giovannite shuddered and looked up at Beryl. "...Hai. Queen Beryl. I've..." He coughed up blood. "I've brought the kissing energy."

A glowing sphere of light appeared above him, shot through with bands of angry red. As she looked upon the ball, Beryl's eyes widened. "Giovannite," she breathed, "do you know what this is?"

"K...kissing energy, your royal slinkiness?"

Beryl's eye twitched slightly. "No, you fool. This energy is the power of the Demon Queen! I don't know how you got it or where, but this is the sign that we have awaited! This is one of the things that was prophesied in the Dead Sea Scrolls (just beneath the section describing the coming of the Spineless One, the Doom of the World, whose spinelessness shall not be matched and who shall not overcome and receive a white stone with a new name on it. Or something)! I don't know where you found it, but this is enough to finally open a permanent gate to the human world! At last, our time of imprisonment in this dark kingdom is at an end! We can unleash the 13 youma upon the world! And go to Disneyland!" She looked thoughtful for a moment. "Seeing as how we have the entire world to choose from, most of which is completely defenseless, I think we'll go to the one place where there are people powerful enough to stop us."
Giovannite blinked. "You don't mean..."

Beryl grinned, and this time you COULD see it, because she'd moved her hands and was no longer peering into her bong. "TOKYO!"

She rose to her feet and directed the gathered energy into the formation of a warp gate as she cried aloud, "My minions! After ten thousand years, I'm free! It's time to CONQUER EARTH!!!!!!"

*DEAD SILENCE*

<CHIRRUPCHIRRIP> <CHIRRUPCHIRRIP>

**********

Luna stood on the branch of a tree just outside of Tendo Akane's room. She was just about to open the window to go inside, when suddenly her communicator beeped. She grimaced and waited quietly, hoping that it would just go away.

No dice.

*BEEP BEEP* *BEEP BEEP*
Grumbling to herself, Luna did a complicated series of backflips. A rubber ducky appeared. Luna frowned. "Wrong one."

She then repeated the maneuver.

Blushing intensely and wondering how THAT had got in there, Luna quickly pushed the offending object off of the branch before trying again.

THIS time she got it right: out popped her communicator. There displayed was the face of a white moon-cat whom she immediately recognized. "Artemis!?" she exclaimed in shock, "When did you wake up?"

Artemis immediately interrupted her. "There's no time for that, Luna! Beryl's escaped! Quickly, recruit a group of teenagers with attitude!!!"

Luna immediately got a mental picture of Otoko-Ranma, Akane and Asuka all clad in Senshi fuku. She then clawed at her face to try to banish the image as a BIIIIG sweatdrop appeared behind her head. "Don't make me hurt you, Artemis," she said, deactivating her communicator and putting it back in subspace.

**********

Akane sat at her desk, sighing softly to herself. Nabiki had just departed after listening to her vent all of her frustrations about her new fiancé, and she was just about ready to go to bed when... there came a scratching at her window.

Akane frowned.

There it came again. *SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH*

Her frown deepened, and she reached out and opened the window to see what was making the noise.

In jumped the black cat with the golden crescent moon on its forehead.

Akane blinked. "The cat from before?"

Luna nodded. "Thanks, by the way. Those kids are rough."

Akane's eyes nearly bugged out at that. "OOOOKAY... OBVIOUSLY, I'm just a little too stressed out over this fiancé situation."

Luna blinked. "Fiancé situation? You mean the demon-queen?"

Akane smiled nervously. "I'm never doing drugs again, and I don't care what Kasumi-neechan says about how relaxing they can be."

Luna swiped Akane across the nose with her claws.

"OW!!" Akane yelped, "WHY YOU LITTLE..." she began, her battle-aura surging to life as she lifted her desk over her head.

Luna nodded in a self-satisfied manner. "Now that I've got your attention..." That was as far as she got before Akane smashed her into the floor with the desk. A large wooden hammer came flying out from beneath the desk and landed on Akane's bed.

Akane blinked, turning towards the hammer. "What in the world?"

"That's what I wanted to give you, Tendo Akane," came Luna's broken voice from beneath the desk.

"So the fact that you're talking ISN'T due to a drug overdose?"

Luna crawled out from under the desk and looked at Akane worriedly. "Drug overdose?" she asked.

"Nevermind!"

Luna nodded slowly, no longer sure that this was such a good idea, but committed to it regardless. "You must use that magical mallet to transform into the legendary warrior `Tuxedo Mallet.' Use it... and destroy the Demon Queen Ayanami."

Akane perked up at that. "I get to destroy demons?"

Luna nodded. "Hai. And as an added bonus, you can get rid of the unwanted fiancé at the same time."
"I don't follow you."

Luna's eye twitched. She hated it when she had to spell things out for people. She took a deep breath, and then... "RANMA IS THE DEMON, OK!?"

Akane's eyes widened. "What!? You want me to destroy RANMA!? No way!"

"He's an evil demon who feeds on the suffering of human beings! If you don't destroy him, or `her,' I should say, the Dark Kingdom will achieve Third Impact and the world will be destroyed!"

Akane frowned. "Well, I admit he may have his faults, but that still doesn't justify outright murder."

Luna directed a side-long glance at Akane. It was a long shot, but maybe, just MAYBE... "... He insulted your cooking and called you a sexless flat-chested tomboy. He also said that he's better built than you in either form, that you're built like a stick, you can't even kick, and your hair's a cow-lick. Also, he's a pervert, and he's got three fiancées besides you."

Akane's battle-aura blazed forth and her eyes glowed black as night as she began to radiate sheer HATRED. "Ranma..." she growled, "KUROSU!!!!!"

**********

Meanwhile, just outside the Tendo home, Onna-Ranma appeared suddenly in midair just in time to sneeze violently. Glancing about suspiciously, she descended slowly towards the house, her eyes glowing like twin points of flame. Noiselessly she landed on the window to the room that she shared with her father. Then, quietly, she slipped in through the window and... got punted into the pond by an angry panda that had been awakened by her sneeze and was now holding a sign that said, "<BE QUIET!>"
Grumbling to herself, Ranma shook her head and stomped off towards the dojo. "I hate my life," she lamented, "but at least it can't get any worse."

*Ominous thunder booms in the background as the author suddenly changes the entire format of the fic*

Ranma: *sighs, puts a futon on the floor of the dojo, and then lies down on it.*

*the camera fades to black... and then we hear the sound of the dojo door sliding open, followed by footsteps*

Akane's voice: "PERVERT! SO MY HIPS ARE TOO THICK, ARE THEY!? YOU'RE BETTER BUILT THAN ME, ARE YOU!? RANMA! DIE!"

*SMASHSMASHSMASHSMASHSMASHSMASH*

Ranma's voice: "WHAT DID I DO NOW!!?"

*** END EPISODE TWO ***

Next: School is no place for Evil Generals!

------------------------

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