Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Why Sailor Pluto Hates The Bet ❯ Episode 3: School is no Place For Evil Generals! ( Chapter 3 )

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET

by P.H. Wise

key:

< > indicates English speech

" " indicates Japanese speech

. o O ( ) indicates thoughts (sometimes)

--=- DISCLAIMER -=--

I don't own Ranma. I don't own Evangelion. I don't own Sailor Moon. I don't own Yebisu. Note that this fanfic is not intended for use as a flotation device. Anyone found to be using printed versions of this story as toilet paper shall not be slain, but taken alive to the houses of lamentation, beyond all darkness, where their body shall be consumed and their shriveled mind laid bare before the lidless eye to writhe in agony until the sun has failed, the moon turned to dust, and the Dark Lord has stretched forth his hand to cover all the earth in darkness unending. Ash nazg durbatulúk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.

P.S. - I don't own Lord of the Rings, either.

--=- END DISCLAIMER -=--

Episode 3: School is no Place For Evil Generals!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

High atop the Tokyo Tower, a wind began. The wind was not the beginning. The wind was also not the ending. This is because there are neither beginnings nor endings on the wheel of time. No, there are not beginnings or endings, but there ARE twinkies. I am, however, getting off the subject. What's important here is the wind. The wind that started on top of the Tokyo Tower and blew right on down through the city, brushing gently across the tops of the trees as it made its way towards the public baths where a sometimes-boy named Ranma had just stepped into the water.

Ranma shivered and ducked down beneath the surface of the bath as the cold wind blew in from the outside. Cold. That was one thing he didn't want to be reminded of. As he raised his head above the surface once more, he smiled contentedly. `I love hot water,' he thought. `I'd marry it if I could.' Gah! Where had THAT come from!? Well, fortunately his father was not nearby, otherwise he would probably have ended up somehow engaged to Hot Water in some shape or form, regardless of how unlikely it might have seemed. Quickly banishing such thoughts from his mind, Ranma settled back to enjoy his soak.

Alas, Ranma's enjoyment of the hot water was cut short as he soon found something entirely different to focus on. There came a flash of light, and he winced, covering his eyes. When his vision had recovered from the sudden flash, he realized that he was no longer alone in the bath. Before him stood Hino Asuka in all her naked glory.

Ranma stared at the girl for a long moment, not quite sure of how to react. "If this is about some engagement thing that my pop arranged..." he began, only to be cut off when she started speaking as if she hadn't even heard him.

"Hey Doll-girl, do you want to become one with me?"

Ranma blinked in surprise. He hadn't been expecting her to say something like THAT. Like... that... suddenly realizing what she had suggested, Ranma fell over backwards, blood fountaining from his nose. Asuka didn't really seem to notice or care. She reached out for him, a blissful smile on her face.

"Do you want us to become one in body and soul?" she asked, "It would be so wonderful!"

Ranma gurgled faintly from his new position beneath the water, his lungs rapidly filling with water. Asuka frowned.

"HEY DUMMKOPF! I ASK IF YOU WANT US TO BECOME ONE IN BODY AND SOUL AND YOU START *DROWNING* ON ME!?"

Ranma continued to drown.

Shaking her head incredulously, Asuka stepped backwards and vanished in a flash of light similar to the one that had brought her to the bath, leaving Ranma to recover on his own (and he did a moment later when he was no longer suffering from hormonal overload).

Just as he was about to relax, there was yet another flash of light. Ranma pikupikued, glancing towards the place the flash had come from to see who had arrived THIS time. "Ano..." he trailed off when he saw who it was.

"Hey, Ranma-no-baka," said the newly arrived (naked) Tendo Akane.

Ranma blinked. `What the hell?'

"Do you want to become one with me? Do you want us to become one in body and soul?"

Ranma's eyes widened. The hormonal overload was back with a vengeance. He didn't drown this time, however. Instead, he simply nodded mutely.

Akane's expression darkened. "I KNEW you were a pervert." She produced a giant wooden hammer from behind her back, and just as she was about to pound him over the head with it, her body suddenly broke apart into a horde of warm-water penguins. A shadow fell across the bath.

Looking up, Ranma gaped in horror at the sight of a Godzilla-sized Sanzenin Mikado, naked as the day he was born, peering down at him.

`Suddenly,' thought Ranma, `I feel very inadequate.'

"Saaaaoootome!!!" the giant Mikado called, "I would date with you! Don't you want to become one with me? Don't you want us to become one in body and soul? It would feel so wonderful!"

Ranma's eyes bugged out in his head and he began to struggle to repress the urge to vomit. "ARE YOU STUPID?! I'M A GUY! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Attempting to escape from the giant Mikado, he quickly dove beneath the surface of the bath, which had somehow become several hundred feet deep. And that was when Ranma realized that he was no longer a guy. Despite the hot water surrounding him, he was now in female form.

The warm-water penguins swarmed around her, pecking at her with their beaks as the giant Mikado plunged into the water after her, crying aloud over and over, "I LOVE YOU I WOULD DATE WITH YOU I LOVE YOU I WOULD DATE WITH YOU I LOVE YOU I WOULD DATE WITH YOU I LOVE YOU I WOULD DATE WITH YOU I LOVE YOU I WOULD DATE WITH YOU! SAAAAAOOOOTTTTTOOOOOMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!" The world began to spin, and bands of inky blackness rose up from the water.

Ranma crouched into a foetal position, clutching her head as the blackness coalesced into a humanoid shape. The bath froze over, and she was trapped in the ice from the waist down. The living darkness rose over her, blotting out the stars. And then its eyes opened. Twin, burning, undying red eyes filled with a terrible, ravenous hunger...

********

Otoko-Ranma woke up screaming on the floor of the Tendo dojo. He was also floating three feet off the ground with a tremendous red energy field radiating out from his body. After a few moments the energy faded away and he landed on his futon, shuddering uncontrollably.

**** Meanwhile, in Beryl's Throne Room ****

"Queen Beryl!" a young female youma cried as she rushed into the throne room with a computer printout in hand, "We've detected an AT-field! Pattern blue!"

Beryl peered into her crystal bong with her hands steepled in front of her face. After inhaling the fumes coming out of the device for a few moments, she smiled (though you couldn't see it because of her hands). "Very well. Giovannite, I release the third Youma to your control. Go forth, unite the Youma with Adam, and bring about the third impact!!!!"

One of her courtiers coughed. "Um... forgive me, my Queen, but Giovannite isn't actually here at the moment."

Beryl blinked, glancing about. An enormous sweatdrop formed behind her head as she tried very hard to appear not embarrassed at all. "... I knew that. I was just testing you."

"Of course, my queen."

Beryl's eye twitched. The drugs weren't working. "... SHINJITE! I command you to appear before me!"

>There was no response: User is away<

Beryl blinked. Ok, maybe the drugs WERE working. But that was beside the point. Her minions weren't listening to her again, it seemed. Maybe if she yelled louder it would solve the problem. "SHINJITE! SHOW YOURSELF!"

It was then that she became aware of an intense-sounding whisper coming from near the back of the throne room. Over, and over, the same words were repeated: "I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away."

Beryl's eye-twitch got worse.

********

"WHERE ARE EARTH AM I NOW!?" cried a despair-filled voice. The owner of that voice, a young man by the name of Hibiki Ryouga, was hopelessly lost. Not that this has ANYTHING to do with our story at this point. But still, it bears mentioning that Ryouga was currently wandering the face of the earth, searching for Furinkan high school, and now that I've mentioned it, I'll move on without making any further references to the Lost Boy in this episode. He doesn't have anything to do with this story, it's just that I figured you'd want to know that he was alive (1). ^.^

********

Ranma and Akane moved as one through the Hentai Horde that morning, and though Akane then proceeded to jump-kick Kuno into a nearby tree, Ranma did not join her in that endeavor. Rather, he decided to exact further revenge on a somehow fully-healed Mikado, who was standing close at hand and watching the morning festivities.

Mikado, not having expected such an attack, took Ranma's jump-kick right between the eyes, and down he went. A moment later, Ranma began jumping up and down on the blonde playboy's back while yelling, "KUSO HENTAI!"

Mikado frowned. *SLAM* This was... *CRUNCH* kinda... *SMASH* starting to... *CRACK!!!* hurt. "Chikishou... would you STOP THAT!"
Ranma didn't, so Mikado was forced to cast a spell to fling Ranma bodily away in a tremendous explosion. Landing lightly on his feet, Ranma immediately dropped into a ready stance.

"Ranma?" Akane asked from where she stood near Kuno's bruised and beaten form. "What are you doing?"

Mikado glared at Ranma as he pulled a large suitcase out from... out from... ah... alright, there are three possibilities that I can see. Either, A: Mikado has access to a subspace pocket which he can use as a storage medium by means of converting that which he desires to store into a tachyon stream and beaming it into said pocket, B: he was holding it the entire time and I forgot to mention it, or C: it's magic. Regardless, Mikado reached behind his back and pulled out a large suitcase, which he then proceeded to set down on the ground. "Saotome, enough is enough." He then tore off his school uniform, revealing the fact that he was wearing the more or less identical uniform of a general of the Dark Kingdom underneath it before opening the straps of the suitcase and yelling, "COME OUT, YOUMA!"

There was a long silence. Ranma and Akane blinked a few times.
"So..." Ranma said at length, "Is something supposed to happen?"

Mikado clenched his fist. "You've challenged the might of the mighty Giovannite for the last time, Saotome! The Third Youma will make short work of you!"

They waited.

Nothing happened.

Mikado AKA Giovannite gave the suitcase an exasperated look. "GAWD DAMNIT!" he yelled, kicking the thing a few times.

Both Ranma and Akane sweatdropped. For that matter, so did pretty much everyone else who was watching the confrontation (which was pretty much the rest of the school).

His eye twitching uncontrollably, Giovannite reared back his foot and kicked the briefcase open. A cloud of evil-smelling smoke filled the air, accompanied by a very disturbing sense of ... *PURE EVIL*. And when the smoke cleared, the source of this *PURE EVIL* stood revealed.

Picture a girl. Now picture a girl by way of Masami Obari. That is, a girl, who, if real, would have a spine bent like a limp noodle. Pure sex, in other words. Alright, now that you've pictured that, forget it. If you want to know more about THAT creature, go over to the Sailor Moon Expanded website and read their `Expanded Silliness' story, because it has nothing to do with THIS creature of *PURE EVIL*.

The Youma Azusite was truly a thing of horror. Never before on the earth had any seen such an insanely tasteless excess of pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink sakura petals swirling all around. More Pink. Pink hair. Pink eyes. Pink clothing. Pink ice-skates. Wait, pink ice-skates?

Ranma shook his head, the action sending his pigtail swishing from side to side. "You have GOT to be kidding me."
Akane, on the other hand, didn't take it QUITE as well as that. "AAAAAAAH!" she screamed, clawing at her face in obvious agony, "MY EYES! AAAAAAAAGH! IT BURNS! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!" she then began smashing her head against the nearby wall in an attempt to remove the image of pinkness that had been seared into her mind, but to no avail.

And that was when the TRUE horror began.

"CLAUDETTE!" the little-girl youma cried, running up to Ranma and grabbing his pigtail. "CLAUDETTE! CLAUDETTE!" she called out over and over in an annoyingly cheerful voice as she did her level best to yank the pigtail out by the roots.

Akane staggered away, barely able to maintain her sanity after seeing the creature. Maybe as Tuxedo Mallet she could face it, but certainly not as she was now!

Giovannite laughed insanely as Ranma vainly attempted to fend off the uber-kawaii Youma Azusite. "IT'S MINE!" Azusite screamed right in poor Ranma's face, the wind of her voice sending his hair streaming backwards.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YA TRYING TO DO TO ME!?" the pig-tailed martial artist demanded to know.

Azusite ignored him and continued to yank on his pigtail.

Giovannite grinned wickedly, a ball of energy gathering in his left hand. "TODAY YOU HAVE MADE THE LAST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE, RANMA! While my Youma continues to pull your hair, thus immobilizing you, I'm going to destroy you with this blast of energy that I'm taking an unnecessarily long time to gather, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

True to his word, Giovannite did indeed take an unnecessarily long time to gather the energy needed to level the school three times over. "RANMA!" he yelled when he'd FINALLY gathered the sufficient amount, "SHI-NE!"(2)

Like a rocket, the blast shot forward, and the wall of devastation was interrupted by streak of brown followed by a tremendous *CRACK...

Suddenly, reality flickered, flickered, and then shifted to the Blue Screen of Death.

*WARNING: SYSTEM FAILURE DUE TO BAD GRAMMAR. UNABLE TO PROCESS SERIES OF EVENTS.*

Urd blinked, looking up at the message displayed on the Yggdrasil's system terminal. "Oh hell," she muttered. "This new operating system is a pain in the neck!"

The platinum-haired goddess quickly produced a transparent keyboard from out of the air and began to type.

>>Run translation protocol.

*BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME*

Urd grimaced. Ok, maybe this, then...

>>run translation.exe

*UNABLE TO FIND TRANSLATION.EXE - NOW SEARCHING FOR CLOSEST MATCH. CLOSEST MATCH FOUND: WHITERABBIT.OBJ - DO YOU WISH TO RUN THIS PROGRAM? YES/NO*

>>no

*BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME*

Urd's eyebrow began to twitch. "SKULD!" she called.

Her little sister, a cute little girl with long dark hair and a big mallet strapped to her back, popped her head into the room. "Hai, old hag?"

Urd directed a withering look Skuld's way. "The system isn't responding. I think it's a bug. Can you fix it?"

Skuld nodded confidently before walking up the Yggdrasil itself and hefting her hammer up into the air. "Bugs... BEGONE!" she yelled, smashing the computer repeatedly with the hammer.

*TRANSLATION FILE FOUND. TRANSLATING NOW...*

Urd grinned. "Hey, it worked!"

"Of course it did!"

*TRANSLATING...*

*LIKE A ROCKET*

- In some way related to rocketry, or perhaps to a device containing its own propellant and driven by reaction propulsion.

*THE BLAST SHOT FORWARD*

- Some kind of blast appeared and engaged in `forward' motion.

*AND THE WALL OF DEVASTATION WAS INTERRUPTED BY A STREAK OF BROWN*

- A wall of devastation appeared and attempted to engage in conversation, but it was rudely interrupted by a nude color brown.

*FOLLOWED BY A TREMENDOUS CRACK...*

- Immediately following the appearance of the naked color, something cracked in a manner that was extraordinarily large in size or extent or amount or power or degree.

*TRANSLATION COMPLETE. REALITY DISFUNCTION AVERTED. PROCESSING SERIES OF EVENTS*

All eyes went to the lamp-post from which the nude color brown had originated. There, clad in a tuxedo complete with cape, cane and top-hat, was Tendo Akane. Of course, no one recognized her. They did, however, realize that she had thrown the nude color brown which had now apparently transformed into a mallet that lay imbedded in the concrete between Ranma and the evil Giovannite.

Ranma, Azusite and Giovannite blinked a few times, shrugged, and then went back to fighting.

Akane GLARED. "HEY! You're supposed to pay attention to me! I'm a mysterious tuxedo-clad warrior who interrupts your fights, offers sage advice, and is generally unhelpful!"

No one paid her any mind. Perhaps it had something to do with the new arrival, or perhaps not. ... Most likely not, actually. They wouldn't have paid attention to her regardless. Where was I? Oh, right. The new arrival.

"RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!" bellowed a boy clad in a yellow bandana (with black spots), travel-worn clothing, and wielding a bamboo umbrella who came out of nowhere and swung the aforementioned umbrella at Ranma's head.

Ranma blinked in surprise, barely having enough time to flip out of the way of the strike. The youma he had been fighting - Azusite - on the other hand, did NOT dodge in time. The umbrella took her full in the stomach. And did precisely nothing to her.

The boy's eyes widened as he realized that the person he had just hit was NOT Ranma. They widened even further when he realized that his attack hadn't done a thing to the person.

Slowly, Azusite turned and looked at Ryouga, her eyes glowing an evil shade of neon-pink. Ryouga took a few careful steps back, not sure of what to expect, before...

"CHARLOTTE!!!!" the youma-girl cried, glomping Ryouga so hard that she very nearly crushed his lungs.

****WARNING: CORRUPTED DATA FILE****

Ranma blinked.

Tuxedo Mallet bibit.

Akane bibit in surprise pauper et egrotus.

bibit exul et ignotus

bibit puer, bibit canus

bibit presul et decanus

bibit soror, bibit frater

bibit anus, bibit mater,

bibit iste, bibit ille

bibunt centum, bibunt mille

Ryouga stared about in parum sexcente nummate

horror as everyone durant, cum immoderate

bibunt omnes drinking in the tavern sine meta.

Quamvis bibant mente leta,

Sic nos rodunt omnes gentes,

Et sic erimus egentes.

Qui nos rodunt confundantur

Et cum iustus non scribantur. Io!

Io! Io! Io!~

*Back at the Yggdrasil computer terminal, Urd gave the computer another swift kick. It promptly resumed its normal mode of operation.*

Ryouga fled in panic. He wasn't sure what scared him more, the girl or the drinking, but he knew that he had to get away. Unfortunately, the youma-girl pursued him, an evil pink aura glowing brightly around her as she shrieked, "CHARLOTTE! CHARLOTTE! IT'S SO CUTE!!!!"

Giovannite facefaulted. Once he had climbed back off the floor, he glared at Ranma. "You may have won THIS time, but I'll defeat you yet, Saotome! And then I'll claim the Demon-Queen as my own!" With those words, he vanished.

Bibit Ranma... er, I mean Ranma blinked, completely nonplussed. "Ne, Akane."

"Oh, so NOW you stop ignoring me!?"

"Yeah, whatever. So tell me, in what way did I, uh, win?"

Akane shrugged.

"Right. `swhat I figured."

Overall, the only person who approved of the way the events of the day had gone so far was Nabiki, whose betting pool had actually taken into account the possibility of a youma attack. Thinking that such a thing would be likely today (she has her sources), she was able to rake in huge amounts of money as a result. But that is a story for another time.

********

Queen Beryl once more sat upon her throne, her fingers steepled in front of her mouth. "Giovannite," she said to the young man who stood before her, "Perhaps you could inform me as to why exactly you thought it would be a good idea to use the Third Youma in a school yard brawl instead of sending it after the source of those mysterious AT fields that we detected earlier?"

Giovannite blushed heavily. "Gomen nasai, your slinkiness. It will NOT happen again."

Beryl nodded ever so slightly. "See that it does not. We cannot afford to be so careless, Giovannite. Though there has been no sign of Those Damnable Girl-scouts yet, we'll probably draw their attention if we're too obvious, and we do NOT need anyone else to be interfering with our goals. Seele is bad enough."

Giovannite bowed deeply. "I will not fail you again."

"See that you do not, Giovannite."

Giovannite paused, trying to think of how to phrase his next question. "My Queen..." he began.

"Is there something else?" she asked, growing slightly annoyed.

"I have been meaning to ask: with the portal to earth now open, why are we still here in the Dark Kingdom palace?"

Queen Beryl considered that for a moment, glancing briefly up at the swirling vortex of energy that led to the heart of Tokyo. ...

...

...

"... I like the ambiance," she said at length.

Giovannite sweatdropped. "Of course, my Queen,"

With that business taken care of, Queen Beryl turned her attention to other matters. "Shinjite," she said, her voice harsh, "Come forth or die."

Shinjite appeared. He was a scrawny little thing, dark haired and completely lacking any sort of life in his eyes. He too was clad in the uniform of a dark kingdom general.

"Shinjite, I have found a use for you."

"Is that all you called me back here for, mother?" he asked, his voice filled with the `woe-is-me' attitude. "Because you want to use me again? I guess you don't love me after all."

"Yes. I don't love you. No one does, really. But that's beside the point. I have a mission for you."

Shinjite shuddered and began to whisper to himself, over and over, "I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away..."

**********

At Furinkan high school, the rest of the day went pretty much as normal: which is to say that only half of the school was still standing at the end of the day. Still, there hadn't been any fatalities, and at least half of the classes were still being held (and the damage would be repaired in time for the next day, which was also a school day).

As the final bell rang, Hino Asuka came walking out of the school alone. Yes, alone. Because of her duties to the Hikawa shrine, the only after-school club that she had been able to join was the go-home club. As she walked away from the school, she was unaware of the fact that she was being watched by a certain black cat with a crescent moon on its forehead. Not that she would have cared, even if she had known. No, she had much more important things to think about. Like how everyone at school was a fool for not seeing her greatness. And how she hated it that she still hadn't made any friends. And how much she disliked that `doll-girl.' And how she thought that Tendo Akane seemed nice enough, and that maybe the two of them cold become friends at some point... if only she could get her away from the fiancé that she always seemed to be hanging around.

After walking for a good half hour, Asuka finally arrived at home; the Hikawa Shrine. Muttering to herself about how they needed to get rid of those stairs and just build an elevator, she headed on inside... only to see that her grandfather, who had not been at home when she had arrived, was indeed the pervert that everyone said he was.

"AAAAAH! Akane-chan no PANTIES!" the old Shinto priest cried aloud from his seat in front of the sacred fire, rubbing his cheek against a set of women's underwear.

Asuka's expression in that moment is difficult to describe, but I'll do my best. Imagine an enraged rhino. Now imagine the expression of disbelief on an Eva fanatic's face who has just witnessed ANY of Anno's attempts to conclude the Evangelion series. Now imagine a one-eyed-one-horned-flying-purple-people-eater. Now combine these images. Frightening as it may seem, that's about what Asuka looked like in that moment.

"Ojiiiiiiiiiiisaaaaaan!?" she thundered, a flaming red aura springing up around her.

Hino Happosai turned at the sound of her voice. Getting his first look at his grand-daughter, he immediately went starry-eyed. "Asuka-chaaan! Is that really you? Come over here and try this on for your dear old Grandfather, would you?"

And at that point, the flaming red aura became literal flames. Seeing red, Asuka punted her perveted grandfather into low earth orbit. Briefly, the symbol of mars appeared on her forehead.

Once she had calmed down, Asuka became aware of the fact that she was, even with the sudden departure of her grandfather, not alone at the shrine. There was a skinny boy clad in the uniform of a dark kingdom general/male Japanese high school student sweeping the steps that led up to the shrine.

"Ano, what are you doing?" she asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.

The boy cringed, nearly falling over in terror. "Just... just... just... sweeping! Your grandfather made me!"

"Right," Asuka replied, trying to figure out where she had seen the boy before. "Have we met?" she asked at length.

He shook his head, growing increasingly nervous.

"Wait a minute, I DO know you. You were the one..." her eyes narrowed. "You were the one from the hospital room! You're SHINJI! What the heck do you think you were doing!?"

Shinji whimpered. "I don't know anything about that!"

"Don't try to lie to me! I saw you, even though I was too weak to move!"

Shinji curled up into a fetal position and tried to tune out the world.

At that point, Luna hopped out of her hiding spot. "Asuka!" she called, somehow tossing the girl a transformation pen despite the fact that such an operation would have been very difficult for a cat. "Take this pen and turn into Sailor Mars!"

Asuka blinked. "A talking cat?"

Luna shook her head, "I'll explain later! There's no time right now! That boy, Shinji, he's not a human! He's really a Dark Kingdom General named Shinjite, and he will destroy the whole world!"

Asuka caught the pen, but did not actually transform just yet. "Are you sure?" she asked, giving Shinji a critical look. "He looks a little pathetic to be an evil general for a Dark Kingdom."

Luna nodded. "I'm totally sure. Oh, and yes, you're right. He IS the guy from the hospital."

Asuka's eyes narrowed at that. "Alright then. MARS POWER! MAKE

UP!" Light surrounded her, and totally failed to conceal anything at all as she was rendered naked for the duration of an unnecessarily long transformation sequence. With her transformation complete, Sailor Mars scowled at Shinji. "For what you did at the hospital, prepare to die!"

... Shinji was still curled up in a fetal position, tuning out the world.

Sailor Mars blinked a few times, shrugged, and then punted him into the stratosphere. Shinji landed some thirty miles away, having broken quite a few bones in the fall. Fortunately for him (and rather unfortunately for the rest of us), he only needed to crawl a few yards to come across some people who could tend his wounds and take him out of there. Unfortunately for him (and fortunately for everyone else), he was too apathetic to even consider doing something for himself. He stayed right where he was, curled up all pathetic-like, until a swarm of flesh-eating ants came and ate him.

********

"Aren't you going to save him or anything?" Giovannite asked as Beryl watched Shinji's grizzly end through her crystal bong.

Beryl smirked. "Nope."

"Er... why not? Didn't you say you'd found a use for him?"

Beryl nodded.

"Oh. Ant-food?"

Beryl nodded yet again, her smirk widening into a full blown evil smile. "I always knew he was good for at least SOMETHING," she said as she produced a bag of popcorn from subspace and settled into her throne to watch the ants finish their meal. (3)

********

"So Ranma, just who was that guy who jumped out of nowhere and attacked you?" Akane asked. They were sparring in the dojo again. Or rather, Akane was doing her best to hit Ranma as Ranma weaved and dodged around her attacks in such a way as to make it look insultingly easy.

Ranma just LOOKED at Akane as she was jumping over a leg sweep. "Do you really gotta ask?"

Akane blinked (which didn't stop her from trying unsuccessfully to connect with a quick combo of three punches and a kick), "Oh, right. Let me guess, you stole his bread in junior high school or something and he swore undying hatred for you?"

Ranma shrugged. "Heck if I know. I've never seen the guy before in my life."

Akane facefaulted, and Ranma tapped her on the shoulder.

"Heh," he said, "looks like I win."

Akane glared.

*******

And now, finally, we turn our attention to the title character of this story: Sailor Pluto. The poor woman awoke to a pain more intense than anything she had ever felt before in her life. As she climbed out of bet, she grimaced. It felt like a group of psychotic gnomes were pounding on her head over and over with hammers.

A few moments later, she realized that a group of psychotic gnomes really WERE pounding on her head with hammers, which certainly did NOT help with her hangover. After quickly banishing the gnomes into the Outer Darkness which lay beyond eternity, Sailor Pluto went and brewed herself a cup of coffee. Damn that Toltiir, but could he EVER drink. Out-drinking that particular cat deity was not something she wanted to try again. `Oh well,' she thought, `Might as well check on the timestream and see how things have been going.'

What she saw made her spit out her coffee all over the gates of time. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?" she shouted, not really expecting an answer as she was the only one there.

Quickly, she delved into the past, seeking the cause of this... travesty. Before her disbelieving eyes she saw an image of Toltiir, having just dropped off the drunk-out-of-her-mind Sailor Pluto at her castle on the planet that bore her name, heading off to Mimir's well with a group of `friends'. As she watched, the assorted gods and entities dropped their pebbles into the well, each one sending the timeline off in a thousand different directions; each one sending a horrible stabbing pain through her mind.

When the last creature had cast its pebble and the images faded away, Sailor Pluto drew a shuddering breath before heading on over to her fridge. She then pulled out a can of Yebisu, popped it open and started chugging. Salvaging this timeline would NOT be fun, and she'd be damned if she was gonna be sober while doing it.

*** END OF EPISODE 3 ***

--=- Authors Notes -=--

1 - Ok, so I lied.

2 - shine - die. Pronounced `she-nay'. NOT `shine.'

3 - I would say "I'm sorry" to any Shinji fans out there (ARE there any Shinji fans out there?), but I would be lying. ^.^