Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ Why Sailor Pluto Hates The Bet ❯ Episode 4: Enter Ryouga.. Again. -OR- Why Crossovers Can Be A BAD Thing ( Chapter 4 )

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET

by P.H. Wise

key:

< > indicates English speech

" " indicates Japanese speech

. o O ( ) indicates thoughts (actually, not really. I'm much more likely to use ` ` and indicate that it's thoughts by means of the context)

--=- DISCLAIMER -=--

I don't own Ranma. I don't own Evangelion. I don't own Sailor Moon. I don't own much of anything, actually.

Episode 4: Enter Ryouga

- Or -

Why Crossovers Can Be A BAD Thing

~~~~~~~~

In the midst of a vast wilderness, two figures walked. They traveled opposite directions, yet their paths would intersect in another few minutes. As they came within speaking distance of each other, both of them spoke at the same time.

"WHERE IS FURINKAN HIGH SCHOOL!?" demanded the one even as the other cried, "WHERE IS THE TANAKA DOJO IN HOKKAIDO!?"

Both figures stopped, blinking faintly at each other. "What?"

"But you... you look like me!"

There, standing face to face, were two Ryougas. They gazed at each other with horrified expressions for a minute or two, each the mirror of the other, until... "RANMA SAOTOME, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

********

All was peaceful (for once) at the Tendo home. With the recent threat of Gehenna finally done with (apparently Caine and Lillith had fought it out until this evil yama king arose and tried to declare himself emperor of the world. Malkav thought it would help to drive everyone completely insane, but it didn't actually seem to change anything. Then another of the antediluvians (or is that unclediluvians?) had decided to use some level ten vampiric discipline to turn the whole group into a popular roleplaying game, thus ending the threat of Gehenna), things were finally getting back to normal in the world. Soun and Genma sat at the kitchen table playing a rousing game of chess, both of them employing the unquestionably brilliant strategy of making the other look away long enough to rearrange the pieces as they saw fit.
"Say, Saotome, why are we playing chess anyways? Don't we usually play something else?"

Genma pushed up his glasses with his forefinger and nodded sagely. "Indeed, Tendo. We're playing chess because the author, the ignorant gaijin that he is, can't remember the name of the game that we usually..." Genma broke off as an anvil suddenly dropped into his head out of the clear blue sky, smashing him through the floor-boards and into the basement.

Soun shook his head sadly. "The perils of breaking the fourth wall are many and varied, my friend."
Had Genma been able, he would have nodded sagely. Instead, he contented himself with calling up, somewhat weakly, "Indeed, Tendo. Indeed."

*ominous thunder booms in the background*

Meanwhile, in Akane's room, the first Sailor Senshi meeting was well under way, never mind the fact that only one Sailor Senshi had been found thus far. Akane and Asuka were sitting on the floor, listening to Luna's discourse on their destiny as Sailor Senshi. Well, more like zoning out through Luna's discourse on their destiny as Sailor Senshi.

"Ten thousand years ago, the solar system was a place of magic and wonder! Unfortunately, my own memories of that time are a little spotty thanks to my jaunt through stasis, so I'll just read you this excerpt from the Dead Sea Scrolls instead. Let's see... according to the ancient dead sea scrolls, there was a magical kingdom on the moon some ten thousand years ago, ruled by the benevolent Queen Serenity. Now Serenity had created four Sailor Suited Pretty Senshi..." Luna frowned. "Wait, I thought their were nine Senshi? No matter. I'll continue. Let's see... they were created in order to defend against the coming of Adam, and the Second Impact. Unfortunately, the Pretty Soldiers were killed when Queen Beryl attacked the moon with the aid of the demon-queen Ayanami. Serenity managed to banish Beryl and her armies and to seal the demon-queen Ayanami within a magical spring in the Bayankala Range in China, but at great cost... with the last of her strength, she sent her child, her child's lover, the Sailor Senshi, and the four legendary Evangelion units forward into the future where they could live out their lives in happiness. She may or may not have sent forward the rest of the population of her kingdom - the scrolls aren't too clear on that. But she also made sure that her daughter and the rest sent forward would have access to their powers in case Queen Beryl were to return. And they still had to guard against Adam and the Second Impact, in any case. So there's only one thing to do! We need to find the four Evangelion units and use them to destroy the one in whom the Demon Queen has been reborn!"

Asuka hmmed thoughtfully. "So I guess I'm one of the Sailor Senshi reborn. A magical warrior with a high destiny, right?"

Luna nodded. "You were the Princess of the planet Mars."

Asuka grinned at that (in a disturbingly Cheshire-like manner). Her ego swollen to the breaking point, she opened her mouth to make some sort of self-centered comment. Unfortunately (and much to her annoyance), Akane spoke before she could get the chance.

"Well, what about me? Where does Tuxedo Mallet come into this?"

Luna blinked. "Um... I remember that Endymion used to wear the Tuxedo Mallet costume sometimes, but I can't really remember anything else. Endymion was the prince of the earth kingdom, I think."

Akane's eyes narrowed at that. "Prince?"

Luna gulped. "Er, Princess, of course!"

At that moment Kasumi walked in carrying a plate of cookies, two glasses of milk and a saucer filled with the same. "Hello Akane! I thought you and your friend might want some snacks, so I made you these cookies, and..."

"ONEEE-CHAN! Not in the middle of our secret Sailor Senshi meeting!!!!"
A look of disbelieving horror crossed Luna's face at the intrusion. Asuka, on the other hand, contented herself with sweating-dropping.

"Oh my. How silly of me. Here, I'll just leave the cookies on your desk and let you get back to your secret Sailor Senshi meeting." She turned to Luna. "Good luck finding the Evangelions!" And with that, she walked out, a tranquil smile on her face.

Luna BIIIIG-sweated. "She... heard all that?"

At that moment, Ranma appeared in the window open window, hanging by his feet from the roof with an annoying smirk on his face. "Hey Prince Akane, sorry to interrupt yer secret Sailor Senshi meeting or whatever, but are you gonna eat those?" He pointed to the cookies.

Akane glared. >.< "RANMA NO BAKA!" she screamed, smashing him in the face with the plate of cookies. Both he and the plate promptly went flying into the koi pond, where he landed with a splash. He (now she) sat up expressionlessly, absently munching the cookies that she had managed to catch in her mouth on the way down (which was most of them, actually, and it made her resemble nothing so much as a squirrel who was storing away food for the winter). "THNNPHS, APHNE!!" she called tonelessly, the action sending crumbs spraying everywhere.

********

*** The Following Day ***

********

"GET BACK HERE, RANMA!" came the battle cry of one Akane Tendo as she burst through the front door of the classroom with all the grace and subtlety of a Wagnerian soprano, her battle aura flaring wildly.

For his part, Ranma just laughed and kept on running as he had been. "Nyaaa! Catch me if you can, tomboy!" he called over his shoulder as he ducked out through a window and dropped gracefully to the ground three floors below. That bought him maybe ten seconds before hurricane Akane came a-rumbling out the front entrance of the school. He waited for her, and that annoyed her, though not as much as it would have had he left her behind completely.

Akane produced mallet-sama and flung it at Ranma with all her might. As it flew towards Ranma's head...

"RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!"

Ranma blinked, turning in the direction of the battle cry. A bandana-clad youth had snuck up on him, somehow, and he didn't have any way to dodge the umbrella that was headed directly for his face...

*BLAM*

Akane's thrown mallet, having missed Ranma, smacked the bandana-clad boy in the side of the head and knocked him out cold.

*a few minutes later*

The bandana-clad boy trembled with rage as Akane put another wet cloth on his head where her mallet had connected. With a visible struggle he forced himself to sit up as he said, "At last... at last I've found you! Ranma! Because of you, I've seen hell!"

Akane blinked. "Ranma, do you know him?"
Ranma shrugged. "Never seen him before in my life."

"Ranma... we saw him two days ago."

"Oh, right. Well, besides that, I've never seen him before."

Ryouga frowned as he rose unsteadily to his feet, ignoring Akane's concerned look. "Don't play dumb with me, Ranma!"

"Play?" asked Akane.

Ranma glared. >.<

Ryouga decided then and there that this girl was alright by him. Still, he had business to attend to, and attend to it he would. "Tell me, Ranma, WHY DID YOU RUN OUT ON OUR FIGHT!? It was a man to man challenge!"

Ranma blinked. "Waiiiiit... you're..."

Ryouga brightened. "Do you remember?"

"You know him after all?"

Ranma paused a moment, trying to remember... "Er... nope, sorry."

"Don't strain yourself."

"OH YEAH! Hibiki Ryouga! How ya doin', man? Bread, right?" With that, Ranma turned to leave, but before he could get much further than a few meters towards the local supermarket, a fierce battle-cry split the air.

"RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!" cried a SECOND (and identical) bandana-clad boy as he leaped out of a nearby tree, swinging his umbrella at Ranma. Identical did I say? Well, not entirely. This one was a whole lot stronger and faster than the other one. His blow hit Ranma solidly, and into the wall went the pig-tailed boy, leaving a fairly large indentation.
Ranma contended himself with watching the chibi-winged-pandas that were circling his head, but Akane's eyes widened in surprise. "Two Ryougas!?" she asked incredulously.
The second Ryouga glared imperiously down at Ranma, cracking his knuckles as he prepared to dish out additional punishment. "How dare you, Ranma! How dare you take Akane to the Tanaka Dojo in Hokkaido in the middle of a youma invasion!"
The first Ryouga shrugged helplessly. Figuring Akane's name from the second Ryouga's angry speech, he glanced towards the long-haired girl. "Gomen ne, Akane-san. This is the Ryouga from `Sailor Ranko.' He's lost."

Both Ranma and Akane (and everyone else who was nearby, for that matter) sweatdropped heavily, none quite understanding what Ryouga had just said. "Huh?" came the collective response.

Ryouga1 smirked and proceeded to launch into a complicated explanation of the theory of multiple realities, and how there's a reality out there for every possibility, and that everything that can be either was, will be, or is now.
Akane nodded in understanding. She was the only one.
"HUH!?" asked Ranma, a glazed look on his face.

Akane glanced at Ranma, shrugged faintly, and then said, "He's Ryouga's twin brother. They were separated at birth."

"Oh, right. You should have just said so! What, do you think I'm stupid or somethin'?"

"..."

"..."
"..."
"What? What does THAT look mean?"

********

Meanwhile, in the Dark Kingdom, Queen Beryl had come to a decision. In light of the third youma's failure to achieve any of her goals (and its annoying habit of attempting to steal her crystal bong while shrieking `Josephine!!!' at the top of its lungs), she had decided that it was high time to let the fourth youma have its shot at tracking down Adam and starting the second impact. With that in mind, she carefully steepled her hands in front of her mouth and announced, "Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars! I command you to come forth!"

There arose a shocked murmur amidst the court as, in the distance, the sound of giant footsteps began. Slowly the stomping grew louder, and eventually a ten foot tall monster with beady, bloodshot eyes and scraggly hair entered the room.
"RAARRRRR!!" said Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars (he was a `monstar' of few words, most of which consisted of but one syllable).

Beryl rose to her full height and held her sceptre aloft. "MONSTER!!!! GROOOOOOOW!" she shouted, calling down lighting from the sky. As the lightning struck the youma, he immediately shot up to a height of nearly a hundred feet tall! With that little detail taken care of, Beryl took a moment to smirk evilly before issuing her command. "Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars, I command you to go forth! Find Adam and initiate the second impact, that the demon-queen Ayanami might be unleashed!!!" she paused a moment, considering what to say next. "...and while you're at it: I noticed that humans put a great deal of time and energy into playing video games. I want you to go out and drain humans of their gaming energy."

"RAARRRRR!" said Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars as he went stomping through the portal that led to the human world.

Beryl frowned. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea... Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars hadn't been quite the same since his game `Blood 2' had flopped.

********

A crowd had gathered, and no small number of students were staring at the goings on. Most were placing bets on whether or not Ranma would get into a fight with the new guys. The `new guys,' in the meantime, sat on the ground next to Ranma and Akane, munching on the bread that Ranma had taken the time to retrieve.

"I still hate you, you know," said Ryouga.

"Yeah, whatever."

Akane shook her head incredulously. "So this whole thing - all of this - is over bread? Yeesh."
Ryouga2 spoke up. "For your information, this goes FAR beyond bread."
"Oh? How do you mean?"

"Because of Ranma, I'VE SEEN HELL!" said Ryouga2.

Ryouga frowned. "No you haven't. I'VE seen hell because of him. YOU'VE seen hell because of the Ranma from Sailor Ranko."

"Close enough," said Ryouga2. "And stop breaking the fourth wall. You'll start building up Paradox."

Akane rolled her eyes. "Looks like SOMEONE'S been reading `Nerima by Night.'

"So how do ya figure it's my fault for you getting lost and wanderin' into hell?" Ranma asked.

At that moment, Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars charged through the street outside of the school, smashing buildings, breathing fire, and eating pedestrians. Shrieks of terror and the sounds of destruction and carnage resounded through the neighborhood. "OH GOD!" a voice cried, "OH PLEASE GOD NO!" Another voice joined it. "MOM? ...Mom? ... mommy?" An explosion rocked the neighborhood, and the two voices were drowned in screams.

No one at Furinkan seemed to notice.

Ryouga carefully chewed the last piece of chow-mein bread, swallowed it, and then rose to his feet, his fist clenched in anger. "Ranma, you make me sick! As if mere words could convey the depths of my suffering!" He charged at Ranma, leading with his right fist. Ranma ducked underneath the punch, and then had to weave to the side to avoid a powerful kick. They went on like that for a few seconds before Ranma realized that Akane was trying to slip away.

"Hey Akane," he began, and ducked under another punch, jumped over a sweep-kick, and punched Ryouga in the nose, "Where ya goin'?"

"Sorry Ranma, no time to explain now. I'll tell you all about it later. It was nice meeting you, Ryougas! Ranma, don't you dare pick on them!"

Ranma glowered. And then got clocked when Ryouga2 joined the battle, even as Ryouga1 stared after Akane, totally lovestruck.

Ranma glared.

********

"What's up, Luna?"

#Akane-chan! We won't be able to stop the monster unless we find Artemis!#

Asuka's voice came through the communicator next. #Where ya been, Akane-chan?#

"At school. Where you were supposed to have been as well."

#I've already graduated college.#

"Then why are you enrolled in high school?"

#...#

Akane frowned, lowering her communicator for a moment as she glanced about. "Ano," she said at length, raising the communicator back into close proximity with her mouth, "Who's Artemis?"

Luna's voice came out of the communicator. #Artemis is my partner. He's a mooncat, like I am. He's not answering his communicator, but we should be able to track him with it. Use the dials on the side of your communicator to set it to tracking mode. It will emit soft clicks as you get nearer to Artemis' communicator. You'll know you've found him when the clicks come with no delay between.#

Akane nodded. "Let's do this."

It was about fifteen minutes later when both Asuka and Akane, with Luna in tow, converged on the site of Artemis' communicator. It was lying on a bench at a bus stop, and the white mooncat was nowhere to be seen.

"... OK, now what?" asked Asuka.

Akane glanced about. "Hmm..."

Luna shook her head angrily. "What is he thinking!? Why would he leave his communicator behind!?"

"Shush!" said Akane. "Listen!"

Luna and Asuka fell silent, and perked their ears up to listen. Sure enough, a moment later, they noticed a muffled conversation - the sounds of voices coming from beyond the bushes behind the bus stop.

"I... I didn't think I'd see you again," said the first voice.

"That's Artemis!" Luna hissed.
The three of them began to creep back into the bushes, taking care to remain as silent as possible.

A second voice replied to the first. "You don't have to sound so disappointed."

Artemis sighed. "There you go again, trying to make me feel guilty enough to take you back."

"Don't you love me, Artemis?"

"I'm not like that anymore, Oscar. It was just a phase I went through. I was... experimenting. I was young and stupid, but that's over now. I think... it would be best if you leave."

Oscar burst into tears, and crashed through the bushes noisily as he ran away. Luna, Asuka, and Akane caught a glimpse of him for just a moment - a scrawny thirteen year old... person (it looked vaguely like a boy, but they couldn't really be sure) clad in sprite-soaked clothing - and then he was gone.

Asuka, Luna and Akane stared at Artemis, totally nonplused, and the white mooncat's fur stood on end - he could sense that he was being watched. He turned around... and flushed red.

"... Oh! Luna! Hi! Fancy meeting you here!"

Luna grew angry, and stalked towards Artemis as if he were a particularly annoying mouse. "Do you have something you're not telling me, Artemis?" she asked in a dangerous tone.

Artemis laughed nervously.

********

Meanwhile, Ranma and the Ryougas were in an all out brawl... and Ranma was losing. Thinking quickly, Ranma pulled out his desperation move: the Saotome secret technique. That is to say, he ran away until such time as he could think of a way to defeat the two Ryougas. Unfortunately, the two Ryougas are quick to follow. Kuno spotted him a few moments later, and a sly smile flashed across his face as he bellowed, "FOUL SORCERER! YOUR TRICKS WILL NOT WORK THIS TIME! PREPARE TO MEET THY END AT THE HANDS OF MY MOST RIGHTEOUS BLADE!"

Kuno joined the chase. A moment later, Azusite jumped up out of the woodwork. "OOOOH, CHARLOTTE!" she yelled, and began chasing after Ryouga. Then the 1992 Denver Broncos made the scene and started chasing after Ranma as well. And then Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars joined the parade. Then...

Cut to a shot of Shinji waking up to the whole unfamiliar ceiling thing. He was lying on a bed in a hospital room. "I'm alive?" he asked. He smiled, suddenly feeling like maybe life is worth living after all, and he couldn't help but notice how good the flowers that have been placed on his bed smell. And then Jason Hall's foot came down and squashed him, and he died. Again.

********

"GET BACK HERE, ARTEMIS!" Luna cried as she, Akane, and Asuka chased after the white-furred mooncat.

"KYAAAAA!" yelled Artemis as he fleed in total panic.

The crowd pursuing Ranma charged by.

Akane, Asuka, Luna and Artemis skidded to a stop, not quite believing what they'd just seen.

"Ooookay... vengeance can wait. Artemis, show us where the Evangelion is buried!"

Artemis nodded. "Right. This way!"

********

*a few minutes later, beneath the Crown Game Center*

Artemis: "I don't know what these little display thingies mean, but they're all green, so I guess we're good to go."

Luna: "Synchro-start!"

Akane: "You can do it, Asuka!"

Asuka's voice: *sounding too depressed for words* "The world is a dark and lonely place."

Artemis: "That's the spirit! The more depressed you are, the more powerful your AT field will be!"

Asuka: *GLARES at Artemis through the video feed* "How... how could you do this to this poor innocent robot?"

Luna: "There's no time for that now, Asuka. Prepare to launch!"

Asuka: "No way! I'm not going to be seen in public piloting this thing!"

Luna: *steps on the `launch' button*

Asuka: "WAIT! I said NO! I'm NOT going to launch! LUUUUUNAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!"

********

Scene: All was peaceful. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and two young men were talking in the park. John Romero walked up to them and said that he has an idea for a game, and can they lend him some money? They ignored him. One of them smiled and asks the other how his family was doing.

Guy2 replied: "Ah, my wife is doing pretty well - she just got a job teaching first grade, you know. And wouldn't you know? My kid told me that I'm his favorite person in the whole world! I love them more than anything else..." *sighs wistfully*

Guy1: *smiles*

Guy2: "So how about you? Have you proposed to your girlfriend yet?"

Guy1: *smile widens* "I popped the question just last night; in the park. You now how it is there when the moon is full and its light casts that faint silver sheen over everything? And she said yes, too!"

Guy2: *laughs and pats Guy1 on the back* "Congratulations!"

Suddenly, the huge crowd of Ranma pursuers burst into the park through the trees. Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars stopped short. He looked around as the crowd of Ranma pursuers vanished into the distance. He sniffed the air. "FEE FI FO FUM, I SMELL TEH BLOOD OF A SMARTY-MAN GAEM DESIGNAR!!! WHERE SI TEH SMARTY-MAN JOHN ROMERO!?"

The two men looked up at him fearfully. "What? What are you talking about?"

"RARRRRRR!" said Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars as he breathed fire on the two men, burning them both into charred skeletons, which promptly collapsed. The skeleton that used to be guy1 could be seen clutching the photograph of his smiling wife and child, and on the skeletal finger of guy2 was a golden ring.

John Romero tried to run away, and Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars pursued him. Suddenly, John Romero smacked into an invisible wall, and a disembodied voice echoed loudly in the air: "You cannot leave without your buddy Superfly."

"NOOOO!" he shrieked as the giant catches up with him.

"Nobodey baught Blood 2 even though it was a vary quality gaem and I am furious and seek revenge by stomping smarty man gaem designers all throhougt Tokhyo!!!!!! No offense, but DIE, JOHN ROMERO!!! RARRRRRRRRR!" *STOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMPSTOMP*

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" came an amplified, distorted, but still recognizable as female, voice.

The giant whirled around to face the newcomer.

"Those who destroy innocent game designers are up for an ass-kicking! Piloting the Pretty Eva Sailor02, I am Sailor MARS!"

Rest assured, gentle reader; the worst you fear is true. There stood Evangelion unit 02... clad in a Sailor fuku (with a red gem in its tiara, and a red skirt, and a purple bow).

Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars choked. This was a joke, wasn't it? ... he then fell over and died (due to his choking), hitting the ground with a tremendous thump.

#See, Asuka?# came Luna's voice over the radio, #It's not ridiculous, and it IS an effective weapon!#

Asuka tried very hard not to grind her teeth.

When she heard Akane's voice in the background saying how she was right after all and that Artemis owed her a coke, Asuka stopped trying.

**********************

** END OF EPISODE 4 **

**********************

--=- Author's notes -=--

The only good climax is an anti-climax. ^.^