Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Chobits Fan Fiction / Star Ocean (All Series) Fan Fiction ❯ Anime Assassinations: Quest for Chicks ❯ Attempt 02 - Chobits ( Chapter 2 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Sanyasi sat across from Black Seventeen's desk in his new chair that had been written for him. Black Seventeen felt that, considering the hardships he had gone through on his first mission, the least he could do was give him a place to sit for a while. Sanyasi waited patiently for Black Seventeen's news on the next mission.
Black Seventeen finished reviewing the file on his desk and folded his hands in front of him. "The reason the last assignment was a complete fiasco," he said, "was because of too many intangibles. I mean, there's never any way of telling when Tsunami will show up. Plus, there were a few individuals, namely Ayeka and Ryoko, who proved to be major obstacles to the achievement of my goals. On that note, I have decided to have you undertake a mission free of such radicals, in a universe that is a bit more grounded in reality."
"I don't know," Sanyasi said, rubbing his still sore head. "That frying pan seemed pretty real to me."
"Nevertheless, this next universe is devoid of any special powers. In this case, your pistols should be more than enough."
"That's what you said last time, and I got beat by an 8 year-old."
"If it's any consolation, she's actually much older," Black Seventeen replied. "But you won't run into any aliens, any divine powers, and definitely not any cookery-wielding children on this next assignment."
"Excellent," Sanyasi said, cracking his knuckles. "Who is the target?"
"Actually, there's three. I'll be writing you into the Chobits universe. This series in particular seems to have a preponderance of both cute chicks and undeserving dip-wads."
"Three at once? Do I get overtime?"
"Bullshit!" Black Seventeen thundered. "You've killed over a dozen men in a couple of minutes. I should know; I wrote that scene. Three shouldn't take you more than seven or eight seconds. Especially since they'll be unarmed."
"Sounds relatively simple. How about a quick briefing?"
Black Seventeen opened the file on his desk and spread out three pictures. "The one on the left is Hideki Motosuwa, possibly the biggest dork I've come across yet. What's even worse is that he just happened to buffoon across his girl one night, which really aggravates me. I mean, I've walked by dozens of garbage piles before. No cute chicks for me. Not even one! And that dolt gets one on his first night! This is totally unacceptable. He must pay for his rotten luck."
"A chick in a garbage pile? Sounds far from rotten to me." Sanyasi pointed to the center picture. "Who's this?"
"That's Ueda Hiroyasu. He runs a bakery near Hideki's apartment. There's not anything particularly dorky about him, but I still want his woman. Very badly."
"Any reason in particular?"
"Duly noted. He's a dead man. And the third?"
"Ah, yes, Shinbo." Black Seventeen rubbed his temples. "His situation gives me a headache. He's living the dream of every single student who's ever had a hot teacher."
"I wouldn't know," Sanyasi related. "Most of my teachers all got their degrees from the University of Butt-Ugly."
"Trust me, this one's very hot. She single-handedly makes detention a very good thing. Again, nothing particularly dorky about him, but definitely unfit for a fine specimen like Shimizu."
Sanyasi smiled wryly. "Looks like someone's going for some extra credit."
"Yeah, that's the general idea," Black Seventeen smiled back. "Anyways, get going and complete this assignment as quickly as you can. I've been itching to insert myself as the new persocon repairman."


It was only moments after being transported to Tokyo by Black Seventeen's powers of fanfiction that Sanyasi's cell phone rang. Not surprisingly, Black Seventeen was on the other end. "Try going after Hideki first," he instructed. "Being the male lead and a humongous dork, he should be considered our main target. He lives not far from here, in an apartment building called Kabu Jougasaki. He's in room 104, up on the second floor. Try to make sure Hibiya, the landlady, doesn't see you. Hideki is away at cram school right now, but Chii should be home. If you tell her you're a friend of Hideki's she'll let you wait there for his return."
"Piece of cake," Sanyasi said. "Rule number one: let the target come to you."
"I should warn you, however, about Chii."
"Why?" Sanyasi asked. "Does she know martial arts? Does she have a hidden rocket launcher or something?"
Black Seventeen paused for dramatic effect. "She's cute."
"No, I mean, she's really, really, really cute. I'm afraid that you might let your guard down around her. I mean, I created you to be a complete badass, but... her cuteness... it..."
"Don't worry about it," Sanyasi said. "I'm sure I'll be able to handle myself just fine."
"Well, I hope so. I'm trusting you on this."
"Good move. Later." Sanyasi hung up and made his way to the apartment complex.
He was able to find the building fairly easily. He checked the grounds to make sure the landlady was nowhere to be seen. He swiftly glided to the second floor, and found room 104. He gently turned the handle; unlocked. Someone was definitely home. He quietly swung the door open and stepped inside. In the middle of the floor of the sparsely furnished apartment, a very slight woman with long blonde hair and strange looking ears sat with her back to him. "That must be Chii," Sanyasi thought.
When she heard the door close behind Sanyasi, Chii turned around, expecting to be greeted by Hideki. Upon recognizing that Sanyasi was not Hideki, she stared at him wide-eyed for a few moments. She cocked her head to one side. "Chii?"
Sanyasi was frozen in place. He had completely forgotten where he was, what he was supposed to do, and what two plus two equaled. All of his cognizance and self-awareness was lost when Chii cast her eyes upon him. Black Seventeen was right; she was cute. But he had grossly understated the true scope of her cuteness. It was a cuteness that pierced him to the very core of his being. An awesome, captivating, incapacitating cuteness. A cuteness of biblical proportions. Her looks and demeanor had transcended to a level beyond normal cuteness, and had created a new impossible standard of cuteness the likes of which the great creators of the universe had never dared dream could exist. Truly, the aura of cuteness that surrounded her was at once unbearable and blissful, and Sanyasi had no choice but to utterly and completely surrender to it.
Without thinking, Sanyasi knelt down before Chii and stared. He had never known such cuteness before. He was unable to comprehend such legendary cuteness. All he could do was stare at it. For him, the very world had ceased to exist. All that lay before him was unfathomable and infinite cuteness.
Chii cocked her head to one side again. "Strange man, why are you staring at Chii?"
Four hours later, Hideki returned home from cram school. He excitedly opened the door, eagerly anticipating a big hug from the blonde persocon. However, he gasped at the sight of a man in a black trench coat sitting across from her on the floor.
"Hideki! Welcome back!" Chii said enthusiastically.
"Chii, who is this person? Don't tell me you... you've chosen someone else over me? Oh, no!" Hideki sank to his knees and began pounding the floor with his fist. "It's all my fault! I don't know much about persocons, so I wasn't able to make her happy! And now she seeks happiness in the arms of another man! Chii, please forgive me! I promise I'll try harder to make you happy! Give me another chance, I beg you!"
"Hideki?" Chii asked curiously, cocking her head to the side once more. "But Chii does not know this person."
"You... you don't?" Hideki asked.
"No. Strange man came in and started to stare at Chii."
"Four hours ago."
"He's... he's been sitting here for four hours? Just staring?"
"Yes," Chii confirmed. "Chii thinks that strange man is sick."
Hideki walked several circles around Sanyasi, who made no indication that he noticed. He waved a hand in front of his wide, unblinking eyes, again achieving no response. He poked him several times in the shoulder. Sanyasi still did not move. "He could be some homeless guy," Hideki mused. "Well, I better call the police. Maybe they can do something with him."


Sanyasi stirred when he heard the sound of a metal door sliding open. He awoke with a start when he found that he was in a prison cell. He sat up hurriedly on his cot, and the guard noticed him. "Well, you're finally awake. You've been out of it for six days."
"Six... days?" Sanyasi asked. "When... what happened?"
"We got a call from that Motosuwa kid, and found you in his apartment, just staring off into nothing. We were worried that you might have gone into a coma or something."
"That's right," Sanyasi remembered. "I went into his apartment, I saw someone in the room and then... and then... and then what?"
"Well, no one else is able to explain it, either," the guard said. "Anyway, you're free to go. Motosuwa isn't going to press any trespassing charges."
"Eh... well okay then." Sanyasi slowly got up off the cot and shuffled out of the cell. Still feeling a little fuzzy in the head, he kind of wobbled out of the police department and onto the street. He squinted in the late afternoon sun, and was surprised by a ringing in his ears. It took seven or eight rings before he realized that it was coming from the cell phone in his pocket. He answered it, and found Black Seventeen on the other end.
"Well, I hope you had a nice nap."
"Oh, it's you," Sanyasi said. "What happened?"
"Chii happened, that's what," Black Seventeen said bitingly. "I told you she was cute. You should have prepared yourself."
"Chii? No, she's far more than cute. She is possessor of a cuteness that could very well destroy the universe."
"Yeah, yeah, I know," Black Seventeen said. "Consider yourself lucky. I showed an episode of the series to a friend of mine a while ago. He went into an intense diabetic coma in about three seconds. He's probably never going to wake up."
"Not a bad way to go, if you think about it," Sanyasi commented.
"I suppose not. Anyway, I decided it was best to let you just sleep it off. You would've been useless to me in you condition as it is."
"Hey, wait a minute!" Sanyasi realized. "What's the big idea? You said that no one in this universe had any special abilities! And yet you toss me head-on into divine and incomprehensible cuteness! I could've flat-lined, she was so cute!"
"I would have written you a pacemaker," Black Seventeen said. "I brought you back from the dead once, remember? At any rate, it's water under the bridge. Everybody's fine. Now, if you think you're well-rested enough, let's continue on to your second target."


Black Seventeen's powers of fanfiction whisked Sanyasi to a different part of the city. Sanyasi whistled. "You're saving me a fortune in travel costs."
"You can never find a taxi when you need one," said Black Seventeen, who was still on the phone with him. "Your next target will be Ueda. If you continue down this block, you'll come to a building called Kirakuyi's Bakery, which is where he works. His woman, Yumi, also works there. She is not to be harmed, okay?"
"I think that's doable," Sanyasi said.
"A word of warning," Black Seventeen went on. "Yumi is cute, too. Probably not as much as Chii, but still be wary. Just so that you're prepared, there's a picture of her in your pocket. I was sure to show her only from the neck up so you wouldn't be mesmerized by her breasts."
Sanyasi withdrew the picture and looked at it. "Yeah, she's cute, but I can definitely handle this one. I am a badass, after all."
"That you are. Happy hunting." Black Seventeen hung up the phone, leaving Sanyasi to his devices. Feeling very confident about his success on this particular assignment, he walked down the block towards the bakery.
He was lucky; at the moment, the bakery was empty. Bells above the door jingled as he entered. She recognized Yumi behind the counter, who smiled at him. "Good afternoon! Can I help you today?"
Sanyasi smiled back at her. "Yes. Is the manager in today?"
"You must mean Ueda. I'll get him for you." She retreated to the back room, and emerged a moment later with Ueda at her side.
"I'm the manager," Ueda said. "Can I help you?"
Well, there is one thing you can do for me," Sanyasi said. He drew a pistol and pointed it at Ueda's head. "Die."
Yumi recoiled in horror. "You... you're... you wouldn't!"
"Afraid so," Sanyasi said. "Nothing personal, of course."
Yumi retreated into a corner and sank to her knees. Tears began to well up from her eyes. "You... you can't! Please, please, no!"
Sanyasi couldn't help but look at her crying on the floor. She just looked so confused and pathetic. "Hey, don't worry about it. I'll just shoot him right through the head; he won't feel a thing! I promise, okay?"
"Please!" she said again, tears flowing more freely from her eyes. "Please don't take my Ueda away!" Her sniffles pierced the silence like daggers. Sanyasi realized too late that Black Seventeen was wrong once again about there being no special abilities involved.
He felt his eyes begin to burn. "Don't... don't cry," he said. "If you don't stop, then I'll start crying, too! And then I won't be a badass anymore! Please don't cry!" Despite his pleas, Yumi continued to cry quite intensely, curled up and trembling in the corner.
Sanyasi's gun fell from his hand onto the floor. He rushed over to Yumi on the floor and grasped her tightly. "I'm so sorry!" he bawled. "I didn't mean to make you cry! I just... I was just doing what I was told to do. I'm such a horrible person!"
"No, you're not horrible!" Yumi sobbed. "You're just confused. It'll be okay."
"No, I am horrible!" Sanyasi insisted through his tears. "I've killed people before, I was going to kill Ueda, and worst of all... worst of all... WORST OF ALL I MADE YOU CRY!!"
"It's okay," Yumi sniveled. "I'll be okay. Thank you for not taking Ueda away."
"Please hold me!" Sanyasi wailed. Yumi embraced him and the two continued to cry into each other's shirts on the linoleum. The sounds of their hysterical crying could be heard outside the store, where quite a large crowd had gathered.
Ueda stood scratching his head. "I think... I'll call the police."


Sanyasi was startled awake by a familiar metallic creak. The guard ambled in, noticing that Sanyasi had awoken. "Well, nice to see you again."
"Huh?" Sanyasi asked. "Am I back here again?"
"Yep. You were crying like a bitch when they brought you in. You finally cried yourself to sleep about twelve hours ago. Didn't take long for you to come back here, did it? You've really got to learn how to stay out of trouble. Now you've started pulling guns on people."
Sanyasi winced. This time he'd been arrested for a legitimate reason. "So, I guess I'll be here for a while, huh?"
"Nope, you're free to go. Ueda's not pressing charges."
"Really? Why not?"
"Seems he feels he owes you," the guard explained. "Everyone who had gathered to see what was going on felt so bad that Yumi was crying, they all bought a bunch of baked goods to make her feel better. Even the responding officers bought about a dozen cakes. Ueda said that they hadn't had business like that in years!"
"So... everything's okay?" Sanyasi asked.
"For the moment. You can go on out of here if you want. And keep your nose clean, huh?" The guard stood aside and allowed Sanyasi to exit.
Outside the police station, Sanyasi's phone rang again. He answered it quickly. "There's a time and a place to show your sensitive side," Black Seventeen said. "Then was not the time."
"Easy for you to say!" Sanyasi snapped. "You send me off and expect me to cope with something like that? You never told me that her sadness was contagious!"
"I'm sorry, I was convinced that you could handle it. Consider yourself lucky. I showed an episode of the show where Yumi cries to a friend of mine a while ago. He sobbed until he was completely dehydrated. When the ambulance got there, he looked like a Slim-Jim!"
"Yeah, well, how about giving me a complete and comprehensive briefing about any and all possibilities before expecting me to go through something like that again?"
"Good idea," Black Seventeen agreed. "But, the worst is over. The third target will be much easier. No uber-cuteness, and no girls with infectious tears."
"Good to know. I'm not even supposed to have emotions, and these people are abusing them!"
"This assignment is proving much more difficult than I thought. Anyway, get a move on. I'd like to be able to salvage at least one out of three from this whole affair."


Sanyasi found himself standing somewhere in the countryside, a welcome change from the bustle of the busy streets before. "Currently, Shinbo and Shimizu are on vacation at a hot spring near here, something which they seem to do quite often, actually. I guess they need a quiet place to conduct their 'independent study.'"
"Yeah, whatever," Sanyasi said, sounding quite agitated. "I just really want to kill this guy, is all."
"That's the spirit!" Black Seventeen said. "Your enthusiasm for your job is one of the reasons I chose you."
"It's not that! My pride is on the line, dammit! I've been humiliated by two women who look like they're barely strong enough to open a bag of potato chips! I don't care who it is, I'm going to kill somebody today!"
"Channel that anger into your guns," Black Seventeen said. "Turn Shinbo into a walking colander."
Sanyasi racked one of his pistols. "Let's do this!" He stormed up the hill to the hot springs.
At the crest of the hill sat the small resort. Sanyasi grinned at the thought that now was the time of his redemption. He stowed his pistol back in its holster and confidently ambled into the main building.
After wandering the halls, Sanyasi realized that he had been deprived of one crucial detail. He dialed Black Seventeen on his cell phone. "Sanyasi, is everything okay?"
"You forgot to tell me what room they're in."
"Yeah, unfortunately, I don't have that data."
"Don't have the data? It's your fanfic!"
"I never sweat the small stuff," Black Seventeen said. "Anyway, they shouldn't be too hard to find. My guess is they'll have a 'do not disturb' sign on the door. You know... 'private lessons.'"
"Yes, I'm aware of your keen grasp of sexual innuendo veiled as educational references. Why can't you just write in a sign that says, 'Hey Sanyasi, Shinbo and Shimizu are staying in this room?'"
"Don't you think? What reason would they possibly have to put that sign up on their door? I can't use my powers of fanfiction for nonsensical purposes! The flames! Fear the flames!"
"Alright, then, how about something else? How about they had to make their own sign because the resort ran out? That'd make them a lot easier to find."
There was a silence as Black Seventeen thought. "That's not a bad idea. I bet you could write a fanfic if you wanted."
"Only if my other option is dismemberment. I'll go look for the handwritten sign. I'll get back to you later." He hung up the phone and again navigated through the corridors.
Eventually he came across the sign he was looking for; Black Seventeen had provided on his end of the bargain. Sanyasi slid the door open a crack and peered in. The lights were out, which meant they were probably sleeping. "Piece of cake," he thought.
Shinbo awoke with a snort, having heard something in the room. In the darkness, he distinguished someone sitting in a chair beside their bedroll. He sat up in alarm. "Who are you?!"
"Well, well, isn't this nice and cozy?" Sanyasi said menacingly.
"Are you with housekeeping? Dammit, the sign's on the door! We didn't want to be disturbed."
"Oh, you're disturbed? Well, so am I." Sanyasi drew his pistol. "But don't worry; I'll make things nice and quiet for you."
"Shinbo, who are you talking to?" Shimizu had awaken and heard the exchange of words. She leaned over and turned on the light. She gasped when she noticed the pistol in Sanyasi's hand. Sanyasi gasped when he noticed that Shimizu was covered only by a bedsheet.
"Uh, sir, your nose is bleeding," Shinbo noted.
"Never mind that!" Sanyasi snapped as he wiped his nose furiously with his sleeve. "I'd concentrate more on the bullet I'm about to put through your head!"
He leveled the pistol at Shinbo, whose blood he could taste already. Unfortunately, Sanyasi hadn't noticed the small travel bag on the floor beside the chair he sat in. So, understandably, he was quite surprised when out burst a small persocon with purple hair waving a tambourine yelling, "YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL!!"
The surprised Sanyasi fell backwards in the chair in his surprise, yelping incoherently as his back closed the distance down to the floor. The jolt caused Sanyasi to inadvertently fire a shot straight up, which hit the ceiling fan. The fan dislodged and came crashing down on Sanyasi's head. The last thing he saw before blacking out was the small persocon jumping about spastically repeating, "YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL, YOU HAVE A PHONE CALL!!"


Sanyasi rolled to a sitting position on his cot when he heard the sliding of the cell door. He grasped his throbbing head, which was wrapped in bandages. The guard merely shook his head continuously. "You just can't help it, can you?"
"Huh? Wha? What happened?"
"We hauled your butt in again last night," the guard said. "We got a call from some resort up in the hills. We knew who they were talking about right away. When they got there, they said you were unconscious under a ceiling fan, and a little persocon was doing some kind of weird dance on your head. After the responding officers all stopped laughing, we brought you back. Even gave you your preferred cell."
Sanyasi sighed. It was fairly easy to guess that Shinbo told them about the attempt on his life. "Well, I guess this is going to be my new place of residence."
"Are you kidding? Get the hell out of here!"
Sanyasi's eyes widened. "You mean, you're not going to keep me here?"
"Shinbo's not pressing charges," the guard said. "We even told him that you'd tried this before, but he was convinced that you were just some bumbling drunk who wandered into his room. All the officers there said that you might be dangerous, but he wouldn't hear anything about it. So, again, you're free to go. And please don't come back!"
Sanyasi slowly stood up, realizing that, yet again, he had been thwarted by an unforeseen circumstance. He clutched his aching skull and slowly shuffled out of the cell. Upon crossing the threshold, he promptly fell over unconscious, again.
The guard sighed. "Well, maybe you can stay one more night."


Sanyasi continually tapped his finger on the hardhat on his desk. "See, I told you you might need this."
"Spare me the lecture, alright?" Sanyasi grumbled, pressing the ice pack firmly to his head. "I told you that yellow doesn't go with my jacket."
"I'll be sure to have that put on your tombstone when you kick the bucket from a massive head wound."
"I feel like such a fool. I got beat by an action figure!"
"It was Sumomo," Black Seventeen explained. "She's a mobile persocon."
"Was she programmed to be that loud and boisterous?"
"Yeah. She's a puzzling little thing alright. But, all you got was a headache. Consider yourself lucky. I showed a friend of mine an episode of the show where Sumomo did some kind of strange dance or another a while ago. His head exploded. I'm still combing the eye juice out of my hair."
"I'll feel a lot better when I can finally finish an assignment," Sanyasi said. "And be written out of a fic for something other than head trauma."
"Be patient," Black Seventeen said. "There are plenty more anime dorks out there. In the long-run, it doesn't matter if a few slip through the cracks. The sweet anime chicks shall floweth like water! Kind of like the blood from your head."
"Do my bandages need changing again?" Sanyasi began to unravel the bloodied gauze from his head.
"Next time I'll give you an assignment that is more of a compliment to your badass nature. It has been too long since you have been seen in all your glory. I'll write you into a universe that will allow you to kick large amounts of ass! You'll show them all, Sanyasi!"
"Sanyasi..." he echoed. "Is that... is that my name?"
Black Seventeen pinched the bridge of his nose. "All these shots to the head must have given you amnesia. Don't worry, I'll fix it."
"By using the most tried and true method: another shot to the head!" Black Seventeen lunged from behind his desk and brought a large mallet up from underneath the seat. Before Sanyasi could protest, Black Seventeen brought it down heavily on the top of his head. Sanyasi shuddered and keeled over out of his seat.
"There, now!" Black Seventeen said. Good as new, eh, Sanyasi? Sanyasi?" Sanyasi lay motionless at his feet. "Hey, Sanyasi! Wakey wakey!" Sanyasi still did not move. Black Seventeen nudged him with his foot. Still, Sanyasi lay still.
Black Seventeen slunk back to his desk. He quietly stowed the mallet back underneath the seat and folded his hands in front of him. "If I'm lucky," he said, "when he wakes up, he won't remember that I just did that."