Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction / Ah My Goddess Fan Fiction / Sailor Moon Fan Fiction / Tenchi Muyo Fan Fiction / Love Hina Fan Fiction / Chobits Fan Fiction / Star Ocean (All Series) Fan Fiction ❯ Anime Assassinations: Quest for Chicks ❯ Attempt 04 - Neon Genesis Evangelion ( Chapter 4 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

Sanyasi shivered in his seat across from Black Seventeen. "Can you turn the heat up, please? It's freezing in here."
"Look, it's already turned up to eighty. I'm sweating like Rush Limbaugh in a marathon. Just put on a sweater, or something."
"I think that that last assignment gave me frostbite. Come on, have a heart, will you?"
Black Seventeen sighed heavily and typed into his computer. A white bundle appeared in Sanyasi's lap. "Here, crybaby. Thermal underwear. It's the best I can do without turning this room into a tropical rain forest."
"Well, it's better than nothing," Sanyasi said, standing up and taking off his coat. "Do you mind if I change into them right here?"
"You think seeing you in your skivvies would bother me? A friend of mine once made me watch three episodes of La Blue Girl in a row. Now nothing ruffles me anymore. Go right ahead."
As Sanyasi donned his new undergarments, Black Seventeen placed a folder on the desk. "Your next assignment will take place in the Neon Genesis Evangelion universe. Your target is a fourteen year-old boy named Shinji Ikari. He pilots a large mecha known as an Eva. This kid redefines depression. He makes Emily Dickinson look like Excel. There are three women closely associated with him: fellow Eva pilots Asuka Soryu Langley and Rei Ayanami, and his commanding officer Misato Katsuragi. With my powers of fanfiction, eliminating Shinji would mean that those three would be ripe for the plucking."
Sanyasi had finished dressing by then. "Just a couple of quick questions. Firstly, I didn't think that universe existed anymore. I never saw the last movie, but I heard rumors about everybody dissolving into something that looked a lot like orange juice, or something."
"The fact is, no one knows what the hell happened at the end. Hell, even the director isn't quite sure. The only thing I know for sure is that I can't drink orange juice anymore. So, I'm just going to say that my interpretation of the ending is that everything just turned back to the way it was. No one can argue, because no one knows."
"Okay," Sanyasi said. "Also, why would you want Asuka and Rei? Aren't they Shinji's age?"
Black Seventeen angrily slammed his hand down on the desk. "Have you ever seen those girls? Take a look at them! Take a look at Asuka and Rei in their plug suits! In their tight, form-fitting, leaving-nothing-to-the-imagination plug suits! Then tell me that they're fourteen! Fourteen, my ass! They look like they're good to go for Playboy! Not even Aphrodite looked that good when she was fourteen! Yes, that's right; their beauty surpasses the goddesses! I will have them! And the purple-haired, beer-swilling nymphomaniac the angels christened Misato! They shall all become the grateful love slaves of me, the Sixth Child!"
"Please, don't tell me that," Sanyasi said, shutting his eyes tightly. "I don't want to have to picture you in a plug suit."
"Hey, having a spare tire isn't such a bad thing, is it?"
"Spare tire? You've got the entire Sears auto center in your gut!"
"Hey! I'll have you know that I carry my weight rather well!" Black Seventeen said defensively.
"You should," Sanyasi countered. "You've had the practice!"
"Hey, I may not have a perfect six-pack of abs, but I'm not some glutinous circus freak! Some women like love handles."
"Not when they're on your neck!"
"Well, excuse me!" Black Seventeen replied. "Unlike you, who need I remind you is just a fictional character with a stereotypical muscular build, I am a real person who must live with the consequences of devoting my life to the building of my mind as opposed to the building of my physique. And though I may play host to a few extra pounds, it does not change the fact that I am a caring and sensitive man who would care greatly for these three women, no matter what the risks may be. Once they meet me as the Sixth Child, I'm sure they will agree that a swollen stomach cannot hide a warm and pure heart."
"What was that?!"
"I didn't think so," Black Seventeen said. "Now, on with your mission. Infiltrate NERV headquarters and take out that sniveling pushover Shinji. One bullet should do for that weakling."
Sanyasi gave a dignified bow. "Yes, my Lard."
"What did you say?"
"I said, 'Yes, my Lord.'"
"Oh... Okay."


Upon finding himself standing deep within the recesses of NERV headquarters, Sanyasi scanned the area. Though, his attention was first drawn to his clothes, which had changed into a drab khaki uniform. As usual, his cell phone rang to kick off the mission.
"Hey, Black, what's with the change of clothes? I look like a janitor in these khakis."
"YOU ARE NOT YOUR FUCKING KHAKIS!" Black Seventeen thundered into the mouthpiece. "Sorry, what I meant was that the uniform is necessary. And, actually, you are a janitor. Security is tight at NERV so I wrote you in as the new janitor. You'll seem less suspicious that way."
"Fair enough."
"Oh, and one more thing. If at all possible, try to kill Shinji while he's alone. There are a lot of armed guards around there, and you'll probably get shot at if they see you pull a gun on him. Not to mention what Misato would do; she doesn't take too kindly to people pointing guns at Shinji."
"Do I have permission to shoot anyone I need to? I mean, I know you want Misato, but..."
"If things get too hairy I'll just write you out of there. Misato and the other girls are not to be harmed, understand?"
"Yeah, I got you," Sanyasi said regrettably as he hung up. He began his search through the winding corridors of NERV headquarters.
After about two hours of aimless wandering, Sanyasi was getting quite frustrated. He had no idea where to begin looking for Shinji. For that matter, he had no idea where the hell he was at any given moment. He imagined navigating the Pentagon would have been more straightforward. He finally came to a large door. Thinking it lead into some central area, he swiped his ID card. The doors slid open fluidly. He stepped into the room, and found himself surrounded on three sides by a giant tank with an orange liquid in it. Suspended in the liquid were several dozen naked women, all with the same face and hair color. Simultaneously, they all turned to Sanyasi and smiled vacantly at him.
Sanyasi shivered. He slowly backed out of the room and closed the door behind him. He breathed heavily for a moment. "As interesting as that was, I think it would be better for my mental health if I forget that I just saw that." Whistling a chipper tune to help take his mind off what he would continue to deny for years, he plodded down another hallway.
After a few more miles of corridor, he came across a woman with short brown hair. He decided to ask directions, seeing as how he obviously was incapable of finding his way on his own. He lightly tapped the woman on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Miss."
The woman turned around sharply and plowed her fist into Sanyasi's nose. "Don't touch me, man-whore!" she bellowed.
Sanyasi was sent reeling, finally to collapse on his back on the cold metal floor. He sat up slowly, and placed a sleeve under his nose which was beginning to bleed profusely. The brown-haired woman gasped as she realized her mistake. "Oh, no! You're not Kaji!" She hurriedly rushed over and knelt next to him, withdrawing a handkerchief from her pocket. "I'm so sorry! I thought you were someone else. Your ponytail made me think you were Kaji. I mean, that slut touches just about everything with a pulse, and I got a little sick of it after a while. I thought it was him touching my shoulder. I'm really sorry about the mistake. I hope I didn't hurt you too much."
Sanyasi took the handkerchief and covered his bleeding nose. "Dode worry aboud id. Cad you baybe tell be where I cad fide Shidgi?"
"Shinji? What do you want with him?"
He finished wiping the blood away. "I got a call that he got nervous and threw up. I need to clean it up to prevent the spreading of pathogens. Plus, it's a serious slipping hazard."
"Oh, you must be the new janitor. Well, last I heard Shinji was outside the infirmary. Recently one of the pilots was injured, and he's waiting on word of her condition."
"I see," Sanyasi said. "And where is the infirmary, exactly?"
"The infirmary is on level 3, section 32," the woman explained. "To get there, take the elevator at the end of this hallway up three stories. When you get out, you'll see seven doors in front of you. You want to take the second door on the left. The corridor behind that door forks a lot. Go left, then right, then left, then left again, then right, then take the third door from the right at the end of that hallway. Go down the spiral staircase to the underground river. A ferry will be waiting to take you to the other side. Pay the ferryman with two silver pieces and proceed through the cave of lost souls. At the end of the cave you must answer the three challenges of the blind hermit. Once the challenges are complete, the giant bird of fire will appear and transport you to level 3. Once there, proceed through the corridor that's shaped like a lower intestine. Exactly twelve hundred meters down that corridor there will be a secret passage on your left. Open the secret passage by playing Flight of the Bumblebee on the keypad, and that will lead you to the laboratory. The mad scientist will send you through his teleporter and into the medical center. Ask the receptionist--call her Suzie, she likes that--what room Rei Ayanami is in. Shinji should be sitting outside that room. Can't miss it!"
"Yes, I can," Sanyasi said. "Tell you what, can you write that down for me?"
"Sure!" The woman busily wrote the instructions on what looked like a piece of ancient parchment, and signed her name on it in blood. She rolled it up and tied it with seven strands of mummy hair and gave it to him. "That should do it. Welcome to the NERV family! My name's Maya. If you have any more questions, be sure to come and find me!"
"As if finding anything around here is at all possible. Well, thanks." Sanyasi handed her the handkerchief, which was drenched in blood.
"Er, why don't you keep that?" Maya offered. "Well, see ya!" She cheerfully scampered off down the hall. Sanyasi headed towards the elevator.


Sanyasi staggered up to the receptionist in the medical center, his clothes singed and smoking. He leaned heavily on the counter. "You must be Suzie. How are you this afternoon?"
"Oh, dear!" Suzie exclaimed, noticing his blackened garments. "Did the bird of fire do that to you?"
"I'm afraid so."
"You'll have to excuse him, hon. He's a little behind on his alimony and his ex wife's lawyer is giving him hell about it. He's really not a bad guy. So, what can I help you with?"
"Can you tell me what room Rei Ayanami is in?"
"Hmm, let's see..." Suzie brought up the information on the computer. "She's in room twelve. Poor dear. She blocked an angel's antimatter beam to save Shinji. Almost didn't make it."
Suddenly, Sanyasi recalled the identical women in the vat of fluid. "Um, something tells me that she'll pull through just about anything. Thanks for the info." Sanyasi turned and set out to find room twelve.
He was grateful that the room was a cinch to find. As Maya had said earlier, Shinji sat outside the door, his head in his hands. Sanyasi looked down at him. "Are you Shinji Ikari?"
The boy did not respond. Sanyasi repeated, "Are you Shinji Ikari?"
The boy still gave no response. Sanyasi scratched his head. "Well, you're not disagreeing, so I guess you are him." He reached into his pocket and pulled out his pistol. "Well, since you're sitting still, this should be easy." He pressed the muzzle against Shinji's head. Surprisingly, he still did not move.
Puzzled, Sanyasi waved his hand in front of Shinji's face. "Hellooooooooooo! Man with a gun! Big gun pointed at your head! Aren't you going to beg for your life?" Shinji still said nothing.
Sanyasi sighed. "What's with this kid? Is he dead already? Did someone beat me to him? Oh, well, might as well be sure." He cocked the hammer back.
"Kill me."
Sanyasi raised an eyebrow. "Huh?"
"Kill me," Shinji repeated. "Please."
"Er... you want to die?"
"Um, okay... Can I ask why?"
"I'm a worthless person. It's because of me that Rei is hurt. People look to me for help, and all I do is run away. I'm not good at anything. Not even my own father likes me. I don't deserve to be alive. I want to die. Please kill me now."
Despite the pleas of his target, Sanyasi somehow found himself unable to pull the trigger. He holstered his gun and pulled out his cell phone. After two rings Black Seventeen picked up. "It's me."
"Sanyasi, I'm glad you called. I need your opinion. What do you think is a better color for a plug suit: royal blue or taupe?"
"I can't do it."
"What do you mean you can't do it? Is something the matter?"
"Kind of," Sanyasi said. "This kid actually wants to die."
"I told you he was depressing. Well, if he wants it so badly, what's the problem?"
"It feels... weird. I mean, killing people who pull guns on you, that's another thing. Killing people who cower at your feet and beg for mercy, that's fine. But I just can't kill someone who wants death. It just seems... wrong."
"Well, Sanyasi, that's kind of what murder is. I'm not asking you to win any good samaritan awards, I'm asking you to kill him. So get to it."
"I know I have to, I just... can't."
Black Seventeen sighed heavily. "Well, if it bothers you that much, you'll just have to give Shinji something to live for, that's all. Once he wants to live, then you can kill him."
Sanyasi scratched his head. "Well, I suppose I could give it a try. Later." He hung up and sat down next to Shinji. "I don't know why you're so down on yourself. Especially since you've still got a lot of good years left in front of you."
"Those years are meaningless if I can't amount to anything," Shinji said. "No matter how long I live I'll never be anything but a burden to everyone."
"Well, who says you owe anybody anything? In the end, you are the only person that's going to be around for you, so you might as well look out for him first."
"Everyone has already invested so much in me. If I abandon them, I'll just be disappointing them."
"Well, moping around isn't going to win you any performance points, either."
"What's the point of doing anything if you're just going to mess it all up?"
Sanyasi whistled. "Jeez, you are one screwed-up head case. No wonder everyone treats you with kid gloves."
"What do you mean?" Shinji asked.
"Well, I'm only saying that they all treat you delicately because you're so afraid of failure. They don't allow you to reach your full potential because they're convinced that you'll crack under the stress."
"It's not the stress. I just know that I can't."
"I'll bet you could if you had the right reason. Tell me, why do you pilot an Eva?"
"Why? I... I don't know."
"Well, there's your answer right there," Sanyasi declared. "Before you can succeed at something, you have to believe in it with all you've got. Let me tell you something. I used to work for an organized crime syndicate. But my brother betrayed me and drove me out. He killed almost everyone that I cared about. After that I swore revenge against him. I can't tell you how many people I mowed down before I finally popped the bastard. It was really hard; probably the hardest thing anyone has ever had to do. But I did it. You know why? Because I knew I had to. I believed in what I was doing and immersed myself in it, body and soul."
"And you came out okay," Shinji said.
"Actually I got shot in the liver and died. But that's beside the point. What I'm trying to tell you is that, if you believe in yourself, there's nothing you can't do. Take it from someone who's been there. For me, what kept me going was revenge. As long as you have something driving you to do your best, you can do whatever you want."
"So, I must seek revenge?"
"If you feel you need to," Sanyasi said. "We all must carve our own niche. You must leave your mark on the world, no matter how insignificant anyone else may think it is."
"I see..." Shinji said thoughtfully.
"I'm glad. Everyone has something to live for. And, now that you realize that, it's time for you to die." Sanyasi again drew his pistol and pointed it at Shinji's head.
Before he could fire, the door to room twelve opened. Out stepped a pale, blue-haired girl wearing gauze over her right eye held in place by a bandage around her head. She stared emotionlessly at the scene before her. Shinji lightly grasped the girl's shoulders. "Rei! I'm glad you're okay. Thank you for saving me from that angel."
"What?" she asked.
"You remember. When you stepped in front of that laser blast to save me? Thank you."
Rei continued to stare. "I don't remember. I think I am the twelfth."
Sanyasi stood gawking at Rei. "That was you. In the tank. There were lots but... but you're here... And those others aren't... They're all you, but... but..." Sanyasi suddenly dropped his gun and grabbed his head. "God, my brain! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" Sanyasi ran to the nearest window and jumped through the glass, his shriek fading as he fell farther from Shinji's ears. He made to make his way to the window to check on the falling Sanyasi, but stopped when he noticed the gun on the floor. "This is..."
He picked up the gun. He felt its solid weight in his hand. He tightly grasped the grip. "'As long as you have something driving you to do your best, you can do whatever you want.'" He put the gun in his pocket and walked off.


Black Seventeen shook his head, the incapacitated Sanyasi lying across from him in a hospital bed in a full body cast. "That was a pretty nasty fall. You may just be a character, but you still have bones, you know. Most of which are broken now."
"My brain still hurts the most," Sanyasi said.
"Yeah, it looks like Hideaki Anno has claimed another victim. You were doing fine until you started thinking about it too much."
"My mind feels like it was raped."
"Funny you should mention that. There was this one episode where an angel attacked Asuka mentally and she said--"
"Stop!" Sanyasi cut him off. "I don't want to hear about it anymore. Why did you subject me to that? I much rather would have watched that La Blue Girl show you were talking about earlier."
"Believe me when I say that that is not true. You'll recover alright, trust me. Just refrain from strenuous motions like blinking and breathing and you'll be up and around in six months."
"Nothing can make the pain in my mind go away!" Sanyasi wailed.
Black Seventeen turned his computer monitor around to face Sanyasi. He typed on the keyboard, and brought up an episode of Excel Saga. "Just watch this at least once a day and you'll be just fine. It's the perfect remedy for animes that make you think too much."
After a few minutes, Sanyasi seemed to relax. "I think I feel a little better."
"Yes, behold the awesome healing powers of the almighty fro! While you recuperate, I'll arrange your next mission. Lord knows you'll be out of action long enough for me to work out any potential bugs. Just sit tight and watch Space Butler do his thing."
Sanyasi smiled stupidly. "Puuchuus! KAWAII!"
Black Seventeen scratched his head. "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea..."


"Come in," Gendo said after hearing the knock on his door. To his mild surprise, Shinji entered. His hands folded and covering the lower half of his face, Gendo asked, "What is it Shinji?"
Shinji reached into his pocket and withdrew the gun. He pointed it at Gendo's head and cocked the hammer. He slowly squeezed on the trigger.
"I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away! I MUSTN'T RUN AWAY!"