Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Second Coming ❯ No Return ( Chapter 18 )

Chapter Eighteen: No Return

 

That evening was a total mess.

Between the upset mood both Asuka and I were in, and the generally poor emotional state of everyone around us, it was all we could all do to tolerate being alive. As far as I know, everyone retreated into their own little cubbyholes of reality, and isolated themselves from the rest of the world. That's certainly what I did, curling up in bed with a half a bowl of instant noodles and then watching TV for the rest of the night.

Thankfully, Kaworu didn't show his face again. Besides the fact that his presence and the virtual acknowledgment that he was, in fact, the Kaworu I met in my 'death dream' made me feel sick to my stomach, there was something about his mannerisms and the things he said and when he said them that drove me up the wall. All this, coupled with the fact I didn't feel like any revelations about the seventeenth Angel were things I could deal with at the moment, made it a good thing that he was out of my sight, if not my mind.

The next day, I did something I hadn't done in ages: I skipped school. Asuka came over to meet me on the way out, but I stayed in bed and pretended I couldn't hear her pounding and calling me names playfully. Our scrap the night before had been forgotten, or at least forgiven, evidently; eventually she relented, either assuming I had left without her, or was still asleep and would end up paying the price when I tried to get to school very late in the day.

I got up around eleven o'clock in the morning, and had the rest of the night before's supper as a midday meal. I found the apartment block to be a quiet place during the middle of a weekday, surely with everyone but a scant few all off to work and school. After my meal and a shower, I heard muted voices from next door, and realized it was probably Misato seeing Shinji off.

Should I go try to say or do something? I wondered. I can't just say goodbye. It'll seem hollow, since I'm expecting him back, more or less. And if everybody else can't convince him to stay, what am I going to be able to do?

That last thought took me off on a tangent. Is there some ulterior motive for your being here? Did Kaworu do this on purpose? Are you a pawn in his game, whatever it is?

The questions were just enough to delay my exit from the apartment; I heard the door next door slide shut, and then, shortly after that, the elevator bell ringing, signifying the lift was ready to transport its cargo.

It's done, I realized. He's gone.

 

With nothing better to do, I pointed myself towards headquarters and set off. If things went as I expected, the alarm would be sounded in the next hour or so. In retrospect, heading out so early probably wasn't such a bright idea, as that heightened the chances of encountering Kaworu. By the time that thought crossed my mind, I was already more than halfway there, and decided to press onward; I could easily hide out in the changeroom or something if need be.

I wasn't in a hurry, so I took a route that was off the beaten path - first, because as I said, I had extra time, and second, after I realized I might happen across the Fifth, I decided to keep to side streets and routes that wouldn't see as much traffic, or likelihood of NERV personnel.

Of course, now that I've said that, you have to know that exactly the opposite happened.

 

"Rather odd time for a school girl to be out for a walk," I heard in a jovial tone. I stopped and turned, and saw Ryoji Kaji emerge from a streetside market, lighting up a cigarette from a freshly-purchased package.

"Oh.. hello," I said. "I didn't go today."

"Yes," Kaji nodded sagely. "I figured that. Since you don't seem sick, and I don't remember Ritsuko having any tests lined up today, my guess is that something's eating you."

"I'm still transparent to you, am I, Mr. Kaji?" I asked.

"Well, it's a safe bet for me to make, sad to say," he shrugged. "Things are in a state right now."

"I know," I agreed.

"Anything you want to talk about?"

"I'm not sure," I said. "If there's any point, I mean."

"Well, getting things off your chest is always good," he said, walking along in the direction I'd been going. "I'm good as a vent from time to time."

I walked with him in silence for a moment, then said, "Shinji's departure worries me, but not as much as the new pilot."

"Why's that?"

"Well, was he sent here from SEELE? He wasn't a student of our school.."

"True," Kaji agreed, "he wasn't."

"Mr. Kaji," I said, continuing in the quiet, casual tone we'd been sharing, "I know about the school, and about SEELE. I need to know what the deal is with Kaworu."

That rendered Kaji utterly speechless. I don't think he was expecting me to come out with that. At long last, he said, "I'm no longer involved in that end of things, Jillian. I don't have anything I can tell you."

"Is he really here as a backup pilot?" I pressed on. "Why is he here? Did NERV know about the Angel that would infect Eva 04?"

"Jill, I can't say--"

"Can't or won't?" I pushed.

He sighed heavily. "Miss Thomson, this is a dangerous path to be on. It may be too late for me to turn back at this point. I implore you to not follow me; you're too young to suffer my fate."

"But should I be worried about Kaworu?" I begged him.

The hard tone he'd adopted in the previous exchange softened as he rested a hand on my shoulder. "Worry about yourself. There's nothing you can do about someone else's actions, but if you just live your own life and react to things as they come, things will turn out okay."

I looked up at him with a faint frown. "Promise?" I said curtly.

"You're a good kid, Jill," he smiled, taking his hand off my shoulder to wave. "We all have faith in you."

"..Thanks," I said, caught off guard by the compliment. I was going to say more, but just then, sirens started to sound.

"Sounds like one of us has to get to work," Kaji quipped.

"I was dreading this," I moaned. "With Shinji gone, and 00 down.."

"You'll do fine," Kaji urged me, nudging me in the direction of headquarters. "Just remember, do what you can, and forget about the rest."

I nodded and thanked him, turning to run for the gates.

 

"--Rei out in Unit 01," Ikari was saying over the open comm-link from the command center, as I arrived at the changeroom. "Prepare the dummy plug as backup."

"Eva 03 pilot is here," I called out as I began to change. "I'll be in the Cage in three minutes."

"Good to hear," Misato said with a strained voice. "We need all we can get. Join Asuka in the Geofront as soon as you're ready. She'll need cover for the sniping mission."

"Roger," I acknowledged, struggling into my plugsuit. Rei was, of course, already gone, probably in 01's entry plug and about to be rejected. Asuka, therefore, should have been on the floor of the Geofront, waiting for the Angel to break through.

While I was running to the Cage, it dawned on me that some of my fears were already allayed, with six words uttered by Gendo: "Prepare the dummy plug as backup". So either it was his intent not to use Kaworu at all, or else there was something else I hadn't considered.

Remember what Kaji said, I told myself as I impatiently rode the lift to the entry plug. That's not your problem.

There was a horrible commotion while I was getting aboard my Eva's entry plug - moreso than usual. Despite the fact I figured I knew what was up, I asked my helper.

"Unit 01's not responding to First Child," he said. "You need to get out there quick!"

I nodded and commanded the sliding cover for the entry plug to close. The power came on, and the first thing I heard was Asuka giving me grief for not being out there already. "The demon's already breaking through!"

"Launching now," I replied as calmly as I could. Background chatter indicated they were going to try again in 01 with the dummy plug, and 00 with Rei. I knew, or had a reasonable guess of, what the outcome would be, so I focused on my own duties.

Just like Kaji had suggested.

"Damn! Why won't it go down?!" Asuka cursed. I shot up the short launch shaft she'd taken minutes earlier, to find her blasting away at the bizarre creature with a pair of oversized rocket launchers. Explosions obscured my view of the Angel momentarily, and shook the ground beneath us, but when the smoke cleared, the enemy was unscathed.

I tried to think back to some weaknesses that I'd remembered the Angel had shown, before scuttling that thought and deciding to focus on the creature in front of me instead of the cel-painted one from my memories. Its attention was directed solely at Asuka at the time being, so I was free to approach and observe.

"Unit 03!" Asuka bellowed. "Be careful - this thing's pretty tough! Circle around and .. scheiße!!"

"Asuka!" I yelled, but I was far too late; the Angel unfurled its paper-thin 'arms' and flung them Asuka's way, lopping the arms cleanly off Nigouki at the shoulders. Asuka's screams were loud enough to distort the audio coming from her entry plug.

"Locate the Fifth Child!" I heard Ikari shout to his subordinates over the comm system. "And retry the dummy plug again from step 108!"

"No," I whispered to myself. I didn't want Kaworu going anywhere near Shogouki. Before I had time to think about that any further, though, there was the issue of defending Asuka, and trying to hold off the Angel from advancing any closer to its goal. I turned to pick up Asuka's fallen weapons--

--and found her charging me, hell-bent-for-leather, issuing a defiant war cry.

"Asuka!" I called to her again, but she wasn't listening. The delimbed Eva thundered past me, and Misato screamed something on the comm link - all I could tell was that it wasn't directed at me. The Angel struck out with its appendages again, and Nigouki's head went flying.

"Fuck! Asuka!" I yelled, hoping they'd gotten to her in time.

"Unit 02 is silent," Maya declared, "but pilot life signs are stable! The nerve impulses were shut down before the damage occurred."

"Order Unit 03 to gather as many weapons as possible and maintain a line of defense," Ikari commanded. Misato relayed the order, unnecessarily, since I'd already heard it.

"Roger," I said, scrambling to grab the pistols, rifle, and bladed spears Asuka had yet to use. I extended and inverted my AT Field, as per my training, and began to empty the rifle's magazine into the Angel. When that failed, I tried returning my AT Field to normal polarity, to see if that would do anything. (I know that all the talk about AT Fields' polarity and such sounds like technobabble, but there's no way to describe it in terms a layman can understand. Either you get it, or you don't.)

I was still being stymied at the end of the rifle's ammo. Dumping it, I prepared to go to the pistols - already believing they would be even less effective - when all of a sudden, a figure rose from the ground between me and the Angel.

The blue-and-white armor plating of Eva 00 shone in the reflected midafternoon sunlight, except for the places that had been scorched, scraped, and damaged in the fight a few days' previous with Bardiel. And the area spattered with blood around the shoulder, where the arm had been severed pyrotechnically.

Rei lunged forward, carrying a cylinder under her arm like an American football player. Shouts and screams of protest erupted from the command center, but Rei ignored them, shoving the canister towards the Angel, and seemingly breaking through the AT Field at the last second, before a mind-bogglingly huge explosion dwarfed us all.

San's sensors whited out for a few moments, overloaded by the forces and energies involved in the non-nuclear mine's blast. When I could see again, I found Rei on the ground, immobile, another wound opened up on her Eva's head and shoulders, and the Angel turning and blasting a hole in the ground.

"Clean through!" Hyuga screamed. "We're totally vulnerable now!"

"Send Unit 03 to Terminal Dogma!" Fuyutsuki ordered. "Protect it at all costs!"

"Jill!" Misato called out.

I was torn. I was being sent way out of range of the action, or at least where I suspected the action would be, and that was disheartening twofold: One, I wanted to be a part of the fight, helping put down the Angel, and two, I simply wanted to be present to see the amazing things that were about to come.

Plus, I supposed, I didn't really look forward to hanging out with Lilith and having no idea how to make a last stand against the Angel, should Shinji and Shogouki not get together and fight. Will I have to self-destruct 03 and destroy Lilith for the sake of humanity? I wondered.

"Roger," I reluctantly said, and scrambled for an access shaft, choosing not to use the one the Angel had made for itself. I didn't want to risk leading it right to that which I was under orders to protect.

BOOOM!! A blast took the top off the NERV pyramid just as I dove for the underground tunnel. Misato was ordering an evacuation of Central Dogma, and sirens and warning messages were echoing throughout the subterranean base. While I hurried downwards, I asked, "How are Rei and Asuka?"

"They're both alive," a rushed-sounding Misato answered. "Just get moving!"

The trip would take me just under a minute to make, scrambling on the Eva's hands and knees as I was. While heading down, I wondered if I shouldn't have pressed the issue further, and tried to convince them to let me try going at the Angel hand-to-hand, like I figured Shinji would shortly. After all, I had an S2, though that didn't necessarily mean I had an advantage over the Angel - but the fact of the matter was that 01 was probably going to accomplish the task using nothing but brute force. And I was quite capable of brute force, the way I felt at that point.

Still, I stuck to my orders and worked my way downwards, until, with a giant splash, I landed in a reddish pool. It was akin to a full-grown adult bellyflopping into a kids' wading pool, on a much larger scale.

And one with a crucified giant marshmallow-man (-woman?) in the center.

"E-.. Eva 03 in position," I called out, getting San to her feet and staring at the Spear going through Lilith's chest.

"Good! Maintain.. shit!--" was all that I heard on the comm link, besides a hell of a lot of indecipherable noise following, synchronized with an earth-shaking rumble from above.

If things are going well, so to speak, I decided, that's Shinji starting to kick ass on the Angel right in C Dogma's lap.

Despite my beliefs, I maintained heightened vigilance - I'd been wrong enough times in the past to warrant being prepared for anything. After surveying the chamber of T Dogma and the exits - never mind that an Angel might make its own, given the opportunity - my eyes returned to the half-mutilated form of Lilith, nailed up on a ridiculously huge crimson cross.

The commotion on the radio channel made me believe that Shinji had indeed made his way into 01, and was winning the fight. Again, I didn't want to screw anything up due to complacency, though, so I stayed on guard and merely listened to the brawl, waiting for someone to call my name or callsign.

Was I put off about having been sent away from the fighting? You bet. It was like the soldier itching for action who gets sent to cover the flank of the attacking forces. Did I blame them? Not really. They'd just witnessed two of their four Evas get trashed. Until Shinji proved successful in boarding 01 and saving the day, I was all they had left, and in their place, I probably would have decided my resources were better served protecting the treasure, so to speak.

Even though I knew that a significant part of the treasure was nowhere near me at that point. Ikari had left the command center after the attempted suicide run by Rei, and was God knows where by now. And, of course, he had Adam.

I wonder if Kaworu knows that? I thought off-handedly, instantly cursing myself for letting my thoughts turn to the Fifth Child. Still, it was a pivotal point, as far as I recalled: Kaworu's efforts were halted not by Shinji's ultimate intervention, but by the realization that he had reached Lilith and not Adam.

I glanced over to the creature pinned to the structure before me, trying to convince myself that it hadn't moved its head a fraction of an inch my way. That was impossible; soulless was Lilith, if the rumors about Rei were right, and without a soul, the theory was that Lilith was dormant.

I still got the feeling I wasn't the only living thing - well, not counting Sangouki, that is - within T Dogma. I turned the Eva in a slow circle, scanning the walls, ceiling, floors, and any outcroppings, nooks, or other places someone could be hiding.

But who could be down here? I wondered. Get a grip, girl.

I was being called on the comm system shortly thereafter. "I'm here," I responded. "Still standing by."

A shaken Misato told me to come topside and assist in the recovery of Rei and Asuka. I asked her what the outcome of the fight was..

"Sh... Shinji defeated the Angel, with Eva Un... the Evangelion," she stammered.

"Is everything okay?" I asked her, feeling pretty confident I knew why she sounded so uneasy.

"...Yes," came the reply. "Just ... be careful when you come up here. And no matter what you see, promise me you won't do anything rash or say anything until after you've discussed it with me or Ritsuko."

I had to try to sound puzzled at that, though I was pretty sure it meant that Sho had come to life and ingested the Angel's S2 organ, blowing away everyone's preconceived notions of what an Eva was in the first place in the process.

I took one last look at Terminal Dogma before beginning my ascent. Nothing seemed out of place, so I climbed into the vertical shaft once more.

 

To my puzzlement, I was directed to head to Gendo's office, not meet up with Misato and the others.

"Sir?" I asked, coming in through the doors.

"Enter, Pilot," came the elder Ikari's gravelly voice. He and Fuyutsuki were standing by the large, wraparound windows beyond the desk. Gendo put down a small towel he'd been using to clean his face, and replaced his glasses, sitting behind the desk, gesturing for me to stand before him.

I did, wordlessly, still unsure why I'd been summoned. Had I done something wrong? Was there something he intended to tell me based on the situation with the other Children? What was I forgetting?

"You went down into Terminal Dogma," he stated, intending for his words to be somewhat of a question.

"Yes, sir," I answered. "As ordered, to protect the region and its contents."

"So.. you saw. What was there."

Oh shit, of course. I'm not supposed to know about T Dogma and Lilith and all that. "Yes, sir."

Ikari remained silent for a moment, steepling his gloved hands before him and contemplating his next words. Fuyutsuki stood beside him, looking somewhat uncomfortable.

"Rei believes you to be trustworthy."

This statement from Ikari was a logical next step, in afterthought, but at first blush, it could be a little odd and seem out-of-place. Still, I answered, "Rei is correct, sir."

Despite the fact he rarely showed any change in expression, I almost thought Ikari looked mildly relieved at that point. "What you have seen is not to be discussed with anyone. At all. At the same time, you will follow all orders regarding Terminal Dogma as issued by myself or the vice commander, even if following those orders jeopardizes other Evas or seems to be counterproductive. Terminal Dogma and its contents must be protected at all costs. Understood?"

"Yes, sir," I nodded.

"One more thing. With the damage sustained to Units 00 and 02, and the current unpredictable status of Unit 01, you are our only fully capable pilot and Eva. Maintain yourself in a state of readiness at all times until further notice."

"Understood, sir."

"Dismissed, then." Ikari turned to his desktop computer and began typing, signifying the end of our session.

I turned and left, half-expecting old Kouzou's head to roll down the hall after me. He'd been the one to tell me to go protect T Dogma, and I, like a good little trooper, went on ahead and did so, ignoring the minor little detail that I should not have known what to expect down there - or, at least, to be seriously freaked out about what I saw. In any case, it was over and done with, hopefully.

I headed off to the changeroom, ready to get out of my plugsuit, have a nice, long shower, and get back home to rest. However, as I neared the Cages, which were in serious disarray to begin with, what with the heavy damage they'd taken during the fight - the fifth Cage obliterated by 01 and the Angel, to begin with - more and more commotion and confusion filled the halls. People were hurrying from one place to the next, and everyone had an excited, if not frightened, air about them.

"What's going on?" I finally was able to blurt out at someone who was just a little slower than all the rest.

"It's Unit 01," he replied, continuing on his way. "They say the pilot has gone missing!"

"Missing?" I echoed, puzzled. I was thinking along the lines of Shinji having run away again.

The person I was talking to had already passed out of earshot, so I carried on to the changeroom. When I arrived there alone, the gravity of the situation and Ikari's last words to me finally hit home. Asuka and Rei were both, at the very least, injured. Rescue operations would have to be undertaken to get them out of their Evas and into hospital. And Shinji was supposedly missing.

So, yeah, it is all you, I realized as I was getting into the shower. If another Angel attacked, everything was in my lap, so to speak. I hoped I was ready to deal with that kind of pressure.

As I left the changeroom a quarter-hour later, I happened across Maya Ibuki pushing a cart full of electronics down the hall. "Hey, Lieutenant," I called out, hurrying to catch up with her. "Good to see you're all right."

"Hello," she said, forcing a smile. "It was a bit hairy there for a while, but we all survived."

"That's good," I nodded. "Have you seen Misa--"

"You.. don't want to talk to her right now," Ibuki shook her head. "She's not in a good mood."

"I'm a little concerned, though," I pressed on. "I heard a rumor that Shinji's gone missing."

Maya frowned. "In a way," she admitted. "Look, in case this is supposed to be secret, you didn't hear it from me. But his entry plug.. when the video feed came back on, after we retrieved it.. he was gone."

The 'memory' of the incident came back to me at that point. "Gone?" I played dumb. "Like, not in the plug?"

"Sort of," Maya replied. "From what I overheard, he's in a form we can't see. You see.. his sync ratio, after the Eva reactivated, was.. it peaked at.." Maya flipped through a series of printouts on a clipboard that perched atop her cart's cargo. "Four hundred and twelve percent."

"Four hundred?" I echoed, trying to inject disbelief into my tone. "How is that possible?"

"It's beyond even me," she shrugged. "Dr. Akagi's the one with all the answers in this situation. Well, almost all the answers."

"Except how to get him back?" I hazarded a guess.

Maya silently nodded, frowning lightly.

"Now I understand why you say Misato's in a mood," I acknowledged. "Well, I'm holding you up, and there's clearly nothing I can do to help things here, so I'm heading to my apartment. Have someone call me if anything changes, will you, please?"

"Sure," Ibuki smiled. "Will do, Jillian."

"Thanks," I said, and with a smile and a wave, I was off.

 

Just after three the following morning, I was awakened by a thunderous sound from next door. Sitting bolt upright in bed, I tried to calm my heart down while I got my bearings.

"FUCK!" was shrieked from the other side of the thin wall. Another pair of loud thumps put an additional, extraneous exclamation point on the curse.

Heedless of the hour, my state of dress (which was my PJs, so shut up), or anyone else that might be about at that time of day, I stumbled out my door and over to the Katsuragi household. Luckily, the front door had been left unlocked - in fact, ajar - and I just walked right in.

"Do you have a goddamn problem??" I said, my voice carrying just the right amount of sleepiness and irritation that I'd hoped it would.

Asuka turned around from trashing her room to see me standing in her doorway. "Shut up!" she shot back at me.

"What the hell are you doing, and why can't it wait till a more civili--hey!!" This last part I blurted out as I deflected a thrown magazine, or the shredded remains of same, with an open palm, sending it caroming off behind a chest of drawers.

"Go away! You're just as much at fault as he is!" Asuka railed, throwing something else which I dodged before getting a good look at it.

"At fault?! About what??" I demanded to know.

"Both of you upstaged me! I was all but impotent against that Angel, and you just walk in there and--"

"And what?" I snapped back, catching the latest thrown item - a couch pillow. "All I did was get sent for guard duty, way away from combat. How is that possibly upstaging you?!" I threw the pillow back in anger.

"That's beside the point," Asuka growled, after flinging the pillow aside. "What about stupid Shinji, then?! I fought and fought and fought and got nowhere, and he just waltzes in and saves the day!"

"Do you really think that was intentional on his part?" I said in a caustic tone. "Do you not realize just what happened to Shogouki last n--"

"To what??"

"Shogouki. Eva 01," I clarified.

Asuka snorted derisively. "There you go with the pet names again. Give it a break, Fourth."

"Haven't you heard what happened?" I charged on. "The Eva went berserk again, as in outside of Shinji's control. Then, it.. took him."

"What the hell do you mean, 'took him'?"

"He's still inside the entry plug," I yelled at her. "But mixed in with the LCL, like primordial soup!"

Asuka stared at me for a moment. "You're crazy," she scoffed.

"Phone HQ yourself. Ask anyone. They're shitting themselves over all this. If they open the plug, they'll lose him."

That last bit seemed to strike a chord with her. "They'll figure it out. They have to! We trust them with our lives," she declared.

"Well, when Dr. Akagi looks stumped.." I trailed off, shrugging. Adopting a scowl, I added, "I intend to go back to sleep now. If you want to destroy shit, do it quietly, but I have one more thing to say. Shinji had quit NERV before all this went down. He wasn't going to fight ever again. If you think the reason he came back, after seeing us all take a shitkicking, was to show you up, you need to get your bloody head examined."

Turning around without waiting for a reaction or an answer, I grumbled, "I'm going to bed."

 

The next day - or later that morning, in other words - I skipped school for the second time recently, and spent the day in bed, for the most part, or watching TV or playing around on the computer. No one came to my door, nor did my phone ring. That was good as far as I was concerned; I was in no mood to talk to anyone.

Asuka didn't come over or call, though I did hear her throwing things around again. I was too troubled inside to worry about it, though. Something wasn't sitting right with me, and it wasn't the concern from waiting for Shinji to reappear. Asuka's downward spiral wasn't helping, but that wasn't the main problem either. I just couldn't put my finger on it.

In the afternoon, I decided to head out for a walk to clear my mind. It wasn't exactly the best choice I've ever made.

Shit, I cursed to myself as I saw Kaworu Nagisa round the corner ahead of me. He spotted me, but to my surprise, didn't wave or exhibit an overt reaction to our meeting - though, if I'd thought of it, that wasn't his style in any case. Still, he did approach.

"Good afternoon, Jillian," he said, his everpresent smile already setting me off. "Congratulations on a job well done yesterday."

"A j..? How do you know about that?" I said, my knowledge of his background slipping from my mind momentarily.

"You pilot the dark blue Eva, don't you?" he asked. "I saw you protecting the facility."

"You did?" I said, gears thrashing in my brain. "Where were you?"

"Evacuating, with all the others," he responded plainly.

"So did you stop me just to say you saw me?" I said with some venom. Looking back on it, I would liken my behavior to that which I saw from time to time in Asuka. "I'm immune to flirting, I'll have you know."

"I wouldn't dare," he replied, still with the same tone and expression he'd shown through the whole conversation. "I did have a motive for meeting with you today, though."

"Of course," I said, folding my arms before me.

"It's no secret that you harbor no kind thoughts toward me," he said. "It is also obvious that you believe I have some goal that is contrary to yours--"

"I think we both know what that goal is," I seethed.

"--but I assure you," Kaworu said, with more stress on his words than I thought his personality was capable of delivering, "that is not the case."

"I wish I could believe that," I shot back.

Kaworu lowered his head and shook it lightly, shutting his eyes. "You have a special gift," he said. "You are perceptive beyond most peoples' capabilities. But be wary that you don't work so hard to see things that are not there."

"Dammit, Kaworu--"

"Take some time to think about it, Jillian," Kaworu said, turning to continue on his way.

 

That, of course, did nothing to improve my mood. I took in a movie, which was more of a time-waster than anything else. I picked up some groceries and then headed home to make something to eat, and finish up my night watching some TV.

The next day, I woke with a goal in mind. I dressed and headed out, but not to school - instead, to HQ and the medical wing therein. To my ultimate surprise, I wasn't challenged with twenty questions upon my request to enter and visit the patient in question.

Rei looked up when I opened the door. She had a faint hint of a perplexed expression on her face, but hid it as soon as I arrived. It was apparent she'd only been awake a short while, though she had managed to move the bed to a sitting configuration in the meantime.

"Good morning," I said, putting on a bright smile. "How are you feeling?"

"All right," she replied, as plain as ever. "What day is it?"

"Saturday," I told her. "You were out for 2 days. That move clearly took a lot out of you."

"I see." She studied her hands, half-folded in her lap, while I took a seat.

"In case you care, the Angel was defeated. Shinji came back and piloted 01, but there was an unusual occurrence afterwards."

"Oh?" Rei asked, still not looking up.

"Yeah. Eva 01 ingested an S2 organ, and has awakened. To make matters worse, Shinji synced at over 400% during the fight, and has disappeared within the entry plug. They're--"

"What?" Rei said, twitching and sitting up even straighter than before. I was caught off guard by this.

"Um.. nearest they can tell, he merged with the LCL fluids in some kind of quantum state, so to speak. They're working on a--"

"I need to be there," she declared.

"I'll take you there once the doctor approves it, if you let me finish," I bargained.

Rei gave a nod, not apologizing for the interruptions; then again, I didn't expect it either.

"They're working on a plan to recover him, but it may take some time. I have faith that they'll be able to do it. Respectfully, I don't know if your being there will do any good or not. If you insist on going to the Cage, I feel I should warn you to be prepared to be turned away by Dr. Akagi for the time being."

"I understand," Rei nodded, not adding any extraneous, superfluous remarks.

"I do have something else I would like to talk to you about," I said, shifting in my seat. "Or rather, someone else. I need some advice."

"From me?" Rei said. If she had bothered to show emotion, I would have expected her to wear a look of surprise at that point.

I nodded. "It's about Kaworu Nagisa," I said.

That didn't seem to sit too well with Rei. She sat silently for a long moment, not looking at me, still focused on her hands.

I felt compelled to add more to the conversation, even if it was one-sided at that point. "I don't like him," I admitted. "Something makes me feel like he's up to no good."

"Perhaps that is what I feel as well.." she said distantly. It took me a second to realize she was referring to my first statement - 'I don't like him'.

Of course. It'd be typical for her to not know what disliking someone feels like, considering she's still struggling with the opposite. "I'm more concerned with what he is planning."

"Planning?" she echoed, her eyes finally traversing the distance to meet up with mine. I was going to clarify my statement, but she added after a pause, "Perhaps he is simply doing as he is told. Following orders."

There was no defensive sting in her tone, but I'm sure she meant it; she was drawing parallels between her and Kaworu. I badly wanted to press the issue, but I was unsure what would happen. I wanted to know if Rei was truly aware of her significance in all of this, or if her 'knowledge' of me and other things was simply a keen sense of observation.

But I was scared of what might come from delving into that so early.

"Maybe," I finally conceded. "But I'm going to keep my eye on him just in case."

"That's probably for the best," she said after a lengthy pause for contemplation. Then, abruptly, she decided our conversation was over.

"I want to go to the Cage now."

 

To my utter astonishment, both Rei and I were allowed in the Cage unsupervised. Or, perhaps, Rei was allowed in unsupervised, and I was there because of her.

Shogouki looked fearsome in her current state. Ridiculously giant strapping and wraps kept what we could see fixed in place, almost acting as bandages over the now-exposed head. One eye and the gaping, almost-grinning mouth were left uncovered, sending shivers up and down my spine. We were told that the Eva was dormant - no energy readings were coming from any of the systems, including the inherited S2 - but the pessimist in me remembered that 01 had defied everything and everyone on a number of occasions before.

I just hoped that she wouldn't see me as a threat.

Nothing had been said to us as to Shinji's status, other than he was still trapped in the entry plug and plans to rescue him were forthcoming. I took that to mean that the Magi's calculations hadn't been completed yet, and they didn't have the restart algorithms devised which would allow them to reconstitute his body.

You're forgetting that that whole process failed, my mind pointed out to me, recalling the painted cels to my mind's eye. It was Misato that..

I trailed off my internal monologue as I realized Rei had all but bowed her head, eyes shut, and was clearly concentrating on something, her hands gripping the railing tighter and tighter.

"Ho.. shit.. um.. Rei.."

She said nothing, though her teeth gritted somewhat - either upon my intrusion, or as a response to something she was encountering, I didn't know and couldn't tell. I stood and stared in silence - and I will admit, I was mildly frightened, as my brain tried to correlate the power I knew Rei had within her to the person actually standing beside me.

Rei all but collapsed a moment later, with a gentle sigh, still gripping the protective railing, but now using it more for support than anything else.

"Rei.." I said, trying to help her remain standing.

"She is.. not responding," Ayanami said, searching for the proper term. "Her attention is elsewhere."

"Rei, what did you--"

"The same which we all do every time we enter our Eva," she answered bluntly, cutting me off. "The same which you could do now if you tried."

"Me?" I queried. "But I'm not--"

"You are a pilot," she again interrupted. "You know of the beings inside the Eva. You can make contact."

Rather than protest, and to be honest, because I was more than mildly curious, I just shut my eyes and focused. Like I did with San, I tried to make a connection with Sho.

But.. but.. there's no LCL.. and I haven't got the neural clips on, I wanted to protest. There's no way this will wor--

My thoughts abruptly stopped short as I realized I felt a presence. It was faint, and, as Rei had indicated, 'distracted' - for lack of a better term. But I could definitely sense the entity within Eva 01 for a fleeting moment, and it indeed had its attention turned elsewhere.

"H-holy sh.." I breathed, caught off guard. This time it was Rei's turn to support me.

"You believe Nagisa and I to be the same," she said as she helped me regain my footing. "But it is you and I.. and Sohryu, and Ikari.. who are sistren and brethren."

I didn't know what to say to that. I couldn't tell if Rei knew her origins and composition, or didn't, or did and chose to ignore them. The entire world was getting muddied, and it was getting damn near impossible to tell who was on what side, or even if there were sides any more.

At her request, I escorted Rei home. I realized it would be the first time I would visit the decrepit apartment block, after months and months of being there - as in, in Tokyo-3. I felt a little remiss in having never stopped in on my fellow pilot and friend in the past.

We walked in silence for most of the trip; I was so full of clashing ideas and theories that I didn't know where to begin, and Rei simply had nothing to say. However, as we climbed to the fourth floor of her apartment building, and turned down the hall that led to her single, dreary room, she spoke.

"Jillian."

I was shocked out of my internal debate. "Y-yes, Rei?"

"Thank you for assisting me today." After a heartbeat, she added, "Please, promise me something."

"What's that?"

She turned to face me as we stopped before her door. "Come back to the Cage tomorrow, and as many times as is necessary."

To persuade Yui to give back Shinji, I realized was the unsaid portion. I nodded. "I will."

Rei didn't invite me inside; I wouldn't have taken the offer anyway - or maybe I would have. I was so screwed up inside that I didn't know which of the 97 directions I felt I was being pulled I should go.

Once the door swung shut with a clunk, I came back to my senses and started the trek back home.

 

I went back to school on Monday, and ended up being the spokesgirl, more or less, for the pilots. The other students noticed Shinji's absence, of course, and wanted to know what was up. Asuka, who was also at school, kept quiet while I told them a story about how Shinji was injured in the last fight and was in hospital. That worked for the time being, and, sadly, Rei was absent so often that her disappearance was barely noticed.

Kaworu was in class, but avoided contact with me or Asuka, which surprised and puzzled me. This was offset by the fact that Hikari, Toji, Kensuke, and the rest wanted to get as much information from us as they could about our time away, and provided a much-needed distraction.

Asuka finally spoke with me during the lunch break. I wasn't sure what to expect, but, of course, Asuka left little to the imagination.

"Any news on stupid Shinji?" she asked, sitting down beside me, setting down her bento box.

"Nothing new, really," I said, laying out my tray. "The Eva is still dormant, and he's still.. inside. Kind of."

"He's really screwed up this time," Asuka sighed, unpacking her lunch and arranging it to her liking.

"I hardly doubt it was his fault," I pointed out. "He wasn't even in control of the Eva for the last ten minutes of the fight. At least, if it happened the way I heard it told."

"What do you mean?"

"The Eva.. awoke," I told her quietly, careful to keep our conversation between us and us alone. "They say this was not the usual, garden variety berserker incident. Something happened when Shinji's power ran out." What the hell, I thought, mentally shrugging and deciding to go for broke. "It's like it sensed his despair and abject terror and rose up to protect him."

Asuka, as I almost expected, scoffed. "Back to this again. Tools have no business having souls and wills." As an afterthought, she added, "So it powered back up, in the nick--"

"No," I interrupted, correcting her. "It moved without power. It fought for a good five minutes, powerless, and then it ingested the Angel's S2."

"What do you mean, 'ingested'?" she said, quirking an eyebrow.

"It ate part of the angel," I told her. "The engine that provides limitless power to--"

"I know what a Super Solenoid is," she said bluntly.

"Er, right. Well, 01 has one now."

"And just why would a berserker Eva do such a thing?" Asuka said, shaking her head.

"I told you; because it gained self-awareness. It awoke." I leaned closer. "Survival is a human instinct. I'm sure that was the reason for taking in the S2."

Asuka smirked at me. "If you're so sure, maybe you should be in Research and Development, not the Operational corps."

"Asuka," I sighed, shaking my head. "It's--"

"Oh! There you are," Hikari called out, hurrying over with her lunch. "I've been looking for you all break."

I clammed up, and Asuka switched instantly - and almost eerily - to happy friend mode. "Sorry, Hikari," she said. "We just had some pilot stuff to discuss." Asuka glanced at me. "We're all through now."

"Right," I nodded.

"Good," the class president nodded. "I hope you don't mind, but I invited.." She stood up and searched the crowd, then stuck an arm up high, waving it back and forth. Momentarily, Toji Suzuhara approached and greeted Hikari, then sat down beside her.

"It's fine," I said.

"No problem," Asuka declared, picking at her cold meal. "So long as we steer clear of any jock talk."

"Your wish is my command, Sohryu," I heard in a voice that sounded much like Toji's, without the sarcasm or rude comments, but still in the Kansai dialect. I looked up and found him smiling and looking over at Asuka.

"Who are you," I asked, "and what have you done with Suzuhara?"

"Jillian!" Hikari hissed. "Please! He's being nice. For us."

I blinked and nodded, eventually, then went back to my meal.

 

The week went by without any remarkable progress. Dr. Akagi and the Magi formulated a plan to reconstitute Shinji; Asuka remained bitchy about the whole thing, doubly so when she was allowed to see the extensive reconstructive work that was being undertaken to put 02 back together again; and Rei spent a few moments each day in Cage 3, 'talking' to Shogouki.

I went with her every time, as had been her wish, but it felt futile, though I didn't dare tell Rei that. She had it set in her mind that Sho could be persuaded to release Shinji, but I personally felt it was at least half on Shinji's metaphorical shoulders, if not more. I was treating it almost like what I expected 'the end' to be like, where people could return if they could see themselves in their own image, or however the idea went. Shinji had to want to return, and for that to happen, he had to understand what had gone on and what was continuing to go on. And for that to happen would simply take some time.

Misato was largely conspicuous in her absence or unavailability. I had no doubts she spent most of her time in the backup control center, where everyone had moved after the previous battle had taken the top off of the HQ pyramid. More importantly, the backup control center was where the project to salvage Shinji was ongoing.

I had said all I could to Rei, Asuka, and the like, and wanted to know what Misato thought of things. I also thought it would be prudent to get her angle on Kaworu. I left some rally magazines at her doorstep as a peace offering, to break the ice, but it never came. I figured she had at least seen the mags, and wouldn't need many guesses who they were from; that, or Asuka could have been stooping over each night and picking the magazines up off the floor by the apartment door, which was about as likely as Rei popping out of her own birthday cake.

The week turned into two weeks, and then three, and I always seemed to be missing Misato - that, or she hadn't been home for more than a few hours total in almost 25 days. I went to school, like a good little trooper, and eventually Rei was back with us again as well. She seemed more distant than usual, which wasn't hard to figure out for me - she was worried about Shinji. She just didn't have the experience to be able to portray her emotions.

The one I was surprised to see emotions on was Kaworu. He remained the quirky, cheery person he'd seemed upon his arrival, at least in public; but when he was in a place where he thought he was alone, he turned sullen and brooding, of sorts. It almost seemed as if he was disappointed with something.

Could it be Shinji's absence? I wondered. I wasn't even sure if they had met in any substantial way yet. Kaworu showed a sociable side at one point, accepting the welcome from Toji, Kensuke, and a couple of other guys who felt the need to introduce themselves to the 'new guy'. He spent time with them, making me wonder if it would make a difference when it came time for him to show his true colors.

HQ didn't know what to do with me. Being the only active Eva and pilot, I should have been undergoing near-constant tests and skill checks and such. However, with the already-limping tech team, ousted from their normal home in Central Dogma by the destruction the Angel had visited upon us, spread between three major projects - the rebuilding of 00 and 02, not to mention the plan to rescue Shinji - there was simply no one left who could put me through the required regular battery of tests, as well as there not being enough hours in the day.

I wasn't worried; I knew there was a lull before the next fight would take place, even if I'd forgotten which Angel was next. Is it time for Armisael? It can't be Kaworu, because he's last.. what else does that leave us?

The thought that we were closing in on what would possibly be the end - or at least resetting - of all life on Earth made me physically ill for a day or so. I contemplated taking another day off, but I didn't want to be making a habit of skipping school. Even if I didn't need it, even if it was a sham, the routine would do me good in more ways than getting a secondary-school education.

One day, during lunch, I chose to sit by myself, outside, and enjoy the shade of one of the larger trees on the school grounds. A small slope was beside it, rising to the fence bordering the schoolyard, and I lounged on the grass under the tree's canopy.

I wonder how old you are, I mused, looking up through the leafy boughs. Certainly old enough to have seen Second Impact, and probably a lot of things long before that.

I shut my eyes, and coincidentally, a light breeze picked up, whistling through the branches. Please forgive us for what we've done to this poor planet, I thought.

I was trying to decide if my little soliloquy was absurd or not when I heard footsteps crunching down the grass near me. As I was opening my eyes to look, a soft voice said, "Jillian?"

Rei stood there looking at me from the base of the slope. Because of the angles and the height, my eye-level was still a few feet above hers, and I was looking down over myself at her.

"Hi, Rei," I said. "What's up?"

"May I speak with you for a moment?"

I pulled my hands out from behind my head and patted the grass beside me. "Sure. Pull up some sod."

The First Child didn't express any confusion at my joke; she must have been getting used to me. Climbing the grade swiftly, she lay down on the grass beside me, both of us now looking up into the tree's canopy.

"I am worried about Shinji," Rei said without preamble.

I resisted the first impulse to scoff and say he was going to be all right. Even if I believed it, maybe that wasn't how things were going to go. And certainly a more 'human' Rei didn't need someone to dismiss her troubled emotions out-of-hand.

"I understand," I said to her. "It's been quite a long time." On the outside, I didn't add. I wondered if it had been nearly a month for Shinji, too. "Do you want to hear my theory on what's going on?"

"Yes," came the response, about as energetic as I'd ever heard from Rei - which is to say the word came out stressed and emphatic, but still not carrying any emotion.

"I think he's talking to the soul in the Eva. That which he synced at 400 percent with."

"That seems logical," Rei responded after a moment's contemplation.

"Well, she won't answer us, and I don't know about you, but not once have I even sensed his presence. I think he's being masked by the greater energies of the soul that's--"

"His mother," Rei stated bluntly, interrupting me.

It was my turn to pause now, trying to think of the ramifications of admitting such knowledge, even to Rei. "Right," I finally nodded. "His mother."

"Does she not understand that he is needed here?" Rei mused. Or perhaps she was directly asking me.

I answered her, in any case. "It may not be her decision to make," I said. "Maybe Shinji has to decide whether to stay inside or come back to us."

Again Rei paused. Being the most observant one of all of us, she was surely aware of why that decision would be hard for Shinji to make. "Is this.. selfishness?"

It took me a second to realize she was referring to her feelings at the moment. "Maybe," I shrugged. "I guess in the strictest of terms, yes; wanting Shinji to decide to come back to a world where he's felt only pain and sorrow, for the benefit of you being able to see him again, yes, that's being selfish. The true question is, is this selfishness justified?"

"I don't understand."

"I'm not sure I even understand myself when I get on this line of thinking," I admitted. "It strays too close to the whole 'meaning of life' argument for me to make sense of it. But if Shinji comes back to us, there's no reason to believe that he has to carry on being miserable. Surrounded by friends, he'd be exposed to their emotions and feelings and experiences as well, and that would give him the choice to be happy or not. Right?"

"I suppose," Rei said.

"That doesn't mean it'd be easy. He's spent most of his 14 years walling himself off from everyone and everything around him. Besides having to expend the energy to help tear down those walls, he doesn't know how to interact with a world that cares about him. It's an alien, scary place for him."

The bell tolled to indicate lunch hour was over. Rei sat bolt upright; I got up at a more sedate pace.

"Thank you," she told me.

"No problem," I replied. "Are we still going there after school, by the way?"

One final pause came from Rei, before: "Yes. I'd like that."

 

"I'm not sure I want them here," Ritsuko Akagi muttered under her breath (or so she thought), gesturing toward me and Rei.

"They have as much a right to be here as anyone else does," Misato told her firmly. "He's their fellow pilot and their friend, if you've forgotten that."

Dr. Akagi glared at Misato for a moment, leaving something unsaid; I figured it was something along the lines of how she knew it wasn't going to work. Ultimately, though, she ordered the process to begin.

I won't bother to relate to you the terminology and procedures that were declared and invoked; if the normal tech-speak involved in an Eva activation was all Greek to me, the stuff they were babbling about at that point was completely off the planet. I heard words I'd never heard before, or since, and couldn't spell, let alone pronounce properly.

I did catch the words 'psychograph' and 'inverting' in close proximity to one another, and that usually wasn't good, in my experience. Shortly thereafter, someone blurted out that the signal was caught in a feedback loop. It sounded like a script session for Star Trek: The Next Generation.

"Shut it down," Ritsuko ordered in a grave tone, which sent Misato into hysterics. She did more than slap the doctor; she all but tackled her, knocking her back against Maya's console and then tumbling into the aisle between her and Hyuga. Misato was pounding on Ritsuko for all it was worth, screaming for her to do something, to try something else, to keep on working on it; and when Ritsuko's face was no longer full of fist (after Misato had been pulled off her), she explained how there was nothing left to do - that it was over.

That was when Maya interrupted with the declaration that the shutdown sequence had been ignored. She also added, in a panicked tone, that the plug was being ejected and purged, quickly adding that it was not of her own doing.

One could have heard a pin drop in the command center when that came to pass; the plug was behind thick safety glass, making it near-soundproof, so no one could hear the sloshing of LCL as it poured out of the open hatch of the entry plug, washing Shinji's clothing and neuroclips onto the catwalk.

Misato screamed Shinji's name and bolted from the room, clearly running for the access hatch into the test environment. Rei dashed forward, instead, to the window, pressing her hands against the glass and peering at the scene wordlessly.

For lack of anything better to do, I joined her, standing at her side. I then had a truly frightening moment, in which I realized Rei was standing beside me, quivering and trembling, on the verge of breaking out in a wailing cry. No one could see her face, as it was close to the glass, but I was sure there had to be a look of terror on it, based on her body language.

I shut my eyes just before Misato threw herself sloppily into the pooling liquid, grabbing for Shinji's school uniform and sobbing noiselessly (at least from my perspective). For some reason, I decided to give things a shot myself.

Please. So many depend on him. On you, Shinji. Come back where you belong. Please let him go.

I wasn't sensing anything, and it felt absurd - more and more every time I tried it when not in sync in my entry plug, with my own Eva's sensations surrounding me. It felt like I would have more success trying to telepathically will Pen2 to stop picking at my trash bags every week.

Suddenly I heard people gasp, and opened my eyes in time to see Misato leap to her feet and scramble over a few meters, bending down again to pick up a body.

"Look," I urged Rei softly, nodding towards the scene. She lifted her head and gasped, turning and running for the exit door, same as Misato had.

I followed, of course, and was about to make the abrupt right turn to enter the test area right behind her when I noticed someone else loitering in the short hallway connecting it and the command center.

Kaworu Nagisa.

He noticed me and my momentary hesitation upon spotting him. Smiling and nodding towards the door Rei was rushing through, he said, "It's a good thing, isn't it?"

I just turned and followed Rei.

 

Shinji turned out to be okay, all things considered. He was alive, and the medical staff couldn't find much reason to hold him in the hospital, so he was released on his own accord fairly quickly.

Rei had stayed with him briefly during his hospitalization, but bolted soon after it became evident he was going to pull through. I didn't realize until later that it was probably because of the confused feelings she likely had.

Misato, of course, waited on him hand and foot, and insisted on escorting him home personally. Because Misato's idea of escorting him home included a trip to the store to prepare for the impromptu celebration she was throwing for him that evening, I made it home first, and found Asuka doing something that seemed to be a cross between radio exercises, calisthenics, and tai chi, on the balcony.

"Guten tag," I said, leaning on the rail.

"Hey," came the muted response.

I tested the waters with: "Shinji came back today."

The motions ceased. "He did? Good. It's about time."

"Mm-hmm," I nodded, opening the milk I'd pulled out of the fridge on the way through my apartment, taking a drink while I let some silence build.

"Everything all in its proper place?" Asuka asked, filling the gap I'd created.

"Seems to be," I said. "He wouldn't even let them keep him in the hospital."

"Really?" she said, sounding surprised. "Ikari with backbone. That's a strange concept."

Once again, I felt as if I was test-piloting a brand new kind of rocketship when I ventured ahead with: "Almost as strange as you trying to mask your feelings."

The silence was deafening, and I had to smile to myself. A vehement denial would have been typical Asuka at that point; the changing moods and situations made sure that wasn't the case.

To be honest, I wasn't sure why I was forcing the issue so strongly at that point, other than the fact that it just felt like the right time and place. I said to Asuka, "Don't act so stunned. Knowing you as long as I have, it's not hard to see through to it."

Still, she remained silent, so I carried on: "Admit it. This whole air of indifference for the past month was put up so you wouldn't have to let on to anyone that you've been scared shitless of what might happ--"

"Shut up," Asuka mumbled.

"Am I right?" I prodded.

"None of your business, Fourth."

"The well-being of my best friend is very much so my business," I told her, standing up straight again. "For what it's worth, your haus-mutter is planning a bash to celebrate his return, and I suspect they'll be home by the top of the hour." So you have just enough time to prepare, if you choose, I didn't add.

"Thanks," came the eventual answer. Asuka began to walk inside, before stopping to add: "This stays between us, all right?"

The question was more of a demand, as was Asuka's usual way, but the sentiment underneath it was atypical of the redhead's normal demeanor. Instead of a dominating, officious tone, Asuka's words were carried by a soft, questioning voice, something I'd rarely heard from Asuka, even in private.

"Don't sweat it, Second," I smiled, winking and going back inside.

When I got into the apartment, I leaned over the sink and stared into the mirror. The girl reflected had no more signs of understanding than I felt.

What brought that on? I wondered. Why did I just play matchmaker?

I couldn't exactly put my finger on it, but I figured that it was related to blowing off steam from the stress of the past month - what with Shinji's situation, mainly. I didn't really have a burning desire to see any of them strike up a relationship - even though, in Jack's world, I considered Asuka and Shinji a better pair than him and Rei.

Suddenly, it dawned on me that I could have screwed up big time. Rei had been fiercely focused on Shinji's condition and the recovery project; was this the precursor to something bigger?

Why can't you leave well enough alone? I said to myself, sighing.

 

Unfortunately, I wouldn't remember that self-admonition the next day, when I was out for a walk to unwind from the previous night's party.

I should have known better than to head to the lake to enjoy the breeze. I was down at the shore, letting the wind run through my hair, feeling like things were doing all right for the moment, when a voice came from behind me.

"Well, good morning, Jillian."

I turned around with a scowl and found Kaworu approaching. What caught me off guard was that his everpresent smile was laced with a determined, firm expression.

"Did you follow me?" I snapped, despite my uneasiness at his unexpected look of seriousness.

"I must confess that I did," he said. "I believe you and I need to discuss some things."