Neon Genesis Evangelion Fan Fiction ❯ Second Coming ❯ Wide Open ( Chapter 19 )

Chapter Nineteen: Wide Open

 

I was pacing back and forth, alternately glaring at Kaworu, who was seated on a rock near the shoreline, and looking off into the distance so I wouldn't have to see his smirk.

"Why are you so upset with me? Even the Second Child doesn't treat me this way."

"I think you know why," I shot back.

"I genuinely don't," Kaworu said. "I'm just anoth--"

"Bullshit," I spat out before he could finish.

This gave him pause, evidently. "You didn't even let me fin--"

"I don't have to," I cut him off again. "I know what you are."

"Do you really think so?" came the response.

I whirled on him and found him risen to his feet, the smile dissipated, leaving the serious, flat expression all by its lonesome now.

It didn't faze me. "Of course I do. Don't play me for a fool."

"Those who deny being fools are those most likely to fit the bill," he declared, sitting back down again. "But perhaps you should explain yourself before you or I judge one another."

"Are you completely daft?" I asked rhetorically. I began counting things off on my fingers. "I know you're an Angel. I know all about SEELE, I know about NERV, I know what the Evas are, I know about Adam and Lilith and--"

"How do you know all this?" Kaworu said, eyes narrowing.

"Um. Hello? Remember Jack's world?" I said, words dripping with sarcasm.

"What does your past life have to do with this?"

A tiny crack appeared in the structure of my argument. "What do you mean? You know what I'm talking about," I scoffed.

"I honestly do not," Kaworu shrugged. "And I am no Angel. But I am curious how you know the Old Men."

"You're fucking kidding me," I muttered under my breath. "You just want me to come out and say it, don't you?"

"It would certainly move things along," Kaworu said, a hint of frustration in his tone - the first true emotion beyond happiness I'd heard from him.

I looked around, even though I knew no one was within earshot, or even well beyond that artificially. Rolling my eyes, I said, "These events and happenings that we're living here, are the basis for a fiction in Jack's world. There. Happy?"

"Really," Kaworu said with genuine bemusement. "How is that possible?"

I sighed heavily; I didn't want to be having this discussion with anyone, least of all Kaworu. "I believe that there are as many worlds as there are things imaginable. I suppose there's some world where my life - before, I mean - is a story too.." I trailed off as something occurred to me. "Wait a minute! You already know this. Otherwise, you wouldn't have brought me here!"

"I had no knowledge of this," he said.

I sputtered. "What??! But you were the one who came to me at my death, and.."

"Yes, I was," he said as I trailed off again. "I decided to pay my way into this world by helping a soul that didn't deserve to be harvested yet. In my view, your contributions to that world granted you, well, this."

I frowned as he gestured to me. "How can you know so much about me and not have seen my anime collection?" I muttered, looking away.

"What was that?"

"Never mind," I grumbled.

"This fiction you speak of," he said to me, then paused. "Did I have a place in it?"

I glared back at him. "Yes," I said carefully.

"And I am an Angel?" he pressed on. "What did I do?"

I continued frowning furiously, and for some reason, blushed. "I can't tell you that," I snapped.

"Why not?" he said.

"Because," I hissed. "I don't want to be the one responsible for giving you ideas."

"By your own conduct around me, you've confirmed to me that I have done things now that you've not expected, Jillian. For that very reason, your fears become irrelevant. Tell me. Please."

His pleading words and tone caught me off-guard again, but I still responded, with fists balled and a headache forming, "You're not even supposed to be here yet!"

Kaworu was going to respond to that, when he simply stopped and looked out over the surface of the lake. Calmly, and with little movement, he said, "We should perhaps continue this later, when we're no longer being watched."

I blinked with surprise, feeling an icicle stab me in my spine and chill me to the bone. Someone was watching us? How much had they heard? Had I just 'outed' myself to the world?

Kaworu picked up on my stunned shock and smiled. "Toward the road," he said simply.

I turned and peered that way, over a half-mile distant and up a tall slope. Leaning on the railing of a roadside lay-by, looking through a viewing device of some sort - i.e., binoculars - was a dark-haired, red-jacketed figure.

Shit, Misato, I cursed her in my mind.

 

I went home after that and hid in my room, feeling miserable and upset. I was going down the road I had never wanted to even see, let alone take, and it made me feel all but physically ill.

Sure enough, as I expected, some time after the shift change happened at NERV, there was a knock at my door.

"C'mon in," I mumbled, sitting up off my bed.

Misato let herself in and shed her boots, like a good Japanese guest. I simply sat there waiting for the inevitable.

"Jill, may I come in? I want to talk to you about something."

I just nodded.

Misato crossed the room and turned a kitchen chair towards me, sitting down, hands on her knees as she leaned closer. "I know I'm not your guardian," she began, "but I feel I have a duty to be concerned about you just the same."

I looked at her; this didn't sound like she was going to ask me what the future held for her, or why I withheld such information, or stuff like that.

"I imagine you know I saw you with Kaworu Nagisa today, down by the lake. I'm sorry if it seemed like I was spying on you."

"Go on," I said evenly.

"Like I said, I know I'm not the boss of you, but I'm not sure I'm happy with you having anything to do with him. Something makes me feel unsettled when I see him. Things just don't add up."

Are you kidding me? I said to myself. She evidently hadn't heard a thing - just saw the two of us associating together and drew her own conclusions. "You ... what? You don't think that we.." I began making random gestures with my hands, unable to mime out exactly what I was trying to get across.

"You're not?" Misato said, seeming relieved.

Her relief paled in comparison to mine, in truth. "God, no," I blurted out, smiling and shaking my head. "Major, that's so far off my radar it's not even funny."

"Oh," she squeaked. "So you, um.."

"No," I hastily added, as she eyed me a little strangely. "To tell you the truth, I don't know. But Kaworu is not in my interests either way."

"That's a relief," Misato said, laughing with a little nervousness. "So what exactly were you.. er.. that's not my business. Sorry."

"I understand your concern," I said to her. "Trust me, I'm not exactly convinced Kaworu's on the level either. But you've got nothing to worry about from or with me."

"That's a relief," Misato said with a sigh. She looked at me and the apartment and said, "I should probably head home. It was nice to see your place, though."

"No problem," I smiled. "It's okay. I was just lounging around anyway."

She was about to get up when her cell phone rang. She picked it up. "Katsuragi," she answered it, looking apologetically towards me.

I nodded and simply listened. "What?" Misato said. "Well, when was the last time anyone saw him?"

I at first was worried that something else had happened to Shinji. Looking at Misato's face, though, her concern was more businesslike than the expression usually reserved for her young charge.

"I'll be right there," she told the person on the other end, hanging up.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

Misato had gotten up and was replacing the chair at the table; momentarily, she leaned on its back while she sighed yet again. "Subcommander Fuyutsuki has gone missing," she told me, looking my way.

"What?" I asked.

"Exactly what I said," Misato declared. "Excuse me. I have to go talk to Section Two." As she stood upright again and headed for the door, she added, "Don't open the door for anyone you can't visually confirm as someone you know."

"Gotcha," I nodded.

"Call Shinji when he gets home and tell him where I am, will you?"

"Sure," I said. "Good luck."

Misato just nodded and departed at that point. I flopped back on the bed, letting out a sigh of my own.

How can I feel so old and stressed at this age? I wondered.

 

It was almost noon when I awoke the next day. In a panic, I ran through the shower, threw on some clothes, and bolted for the door, as I had a series of tests and other Eva-related work to be done starting after the lunch hour.

I was relieved to find that Kaworu didn't somehow conveniently happen across me on my way to NERV. I had had dreams of him following me around like a puppy dog, asking what was going to happen next. I still felt a little queasy about having told him anything at all.

Security was heightened when I got to the entrance to headquarters; it was only then that I remembered Misato's news item of the night before, of Sub-Commander Fuyutsuki's disappearance. Evidently either he still hadn't been located (or returned, if my memory served me), or the sentry posts would be a new, permanent fixture and I'd have to learn to adjust my schedule accordingly.

I was only a few seconds late when I arrived at the Cage, where Dr. Akagi was waiting. She was talking over strategies and priorities with other techs, and had me wait while she finished with them.

"Sorry about that," I told her when she turned her attention to me in full. "I kinda slept in."

"Don't make a habit of it," came her terse response, looking over a datapad cradled in one arm. "We're grossly behind schedule as it is."

"Sorry," I repeated.

"We're going to work on Unit 02 today," she declared. "We need you to help us with the arms."

"Right," I nodded. It wouldn't be an overly strenuous task; I'd done it once already with Zero, to replace the lost limb - severed by Gendo Ikari's command two sorties previous. Doing it twice over again would be fairly pedestrian.

And so the activation of 03 went, or, to be more correct, the awakening. Not the same kind of awakening that Sho had just undergone, of course; but, with San now possessing a functioning S2, there was no shutdown process any more.

Isn't that why they have Fuyutsuki? I wondered as I maneuvered into place in 02's Cage. Because Sho took in a Super Solenoid. I thought that's what made them all uptight at this point, an Eva having limitless power. If that's the case, why aren't they going batshit over me and San?

A chill ran through me as I realized that perhaps they had, and they'd just been good at keeping it from me. I shook my head and focused on the task at hand, or at least, at shoulder - which is where I was holding Nigouki's arm up to, while SCUBA-equipped techs floated in the 'cooling fluid', reattaching the limb with tools I couldn't even begin to fathom. Some were simple things like welders (as simple as an underwater welder that can create a joint in ridiculously-huge metal can be), but others were doing something specific to the flesh and tissue of the Evangelion itself.

For a while, I wondered about how it had been possible to keep the arm alive for so long while it was still severed from the body. My attention was drawn to the fluid around me, which is where both arms and the other assorted things had been immersed for the month-plus that work had been progressing. Maybe this is like LCL is supposed to be for us, I mused. At least, on some level - LCL wouldn't allow me to regenerate a broken arm, of course.

The mind-numbing work was getting the better of me - almost allowing me to nod off - when I overheard Dr. Akagi saying something about a sync test for Shinji. I perked up and paid attention at that point, learning that he was being activated in 01 at that very moment, in a closely supervised test to see if anything had changed since the big event - namely, not only Sho's awakening, but Shinji's merging with the LCL, and subsequent reconstitution.

At the risk of being accused of overinflating my importance to the world, I was surprised they were doing his test without me being there. 03 was the only truly combat-ready Eva at that point, and if something happened during the sync test, surely they'd need some way of restraining 01.

Maybe that's not in the cards, I thought to myself as crews continued working on the second arm for 02. Maybe 01 is more expendable than I think, now that I've got an S2 too.

Or maybe I should stop with the maybes already.

The workers finished up fairly swiftly; like a workman holding a piece of lumber in place until it was 'tacked' down, my assistance wasn't required to complete the entire task. Guessing that my sync test was being postponed now that Shinji was aboard and underway, I disembarked from the Eva and strolled into the command center (after at least rinsing myself and the plugsuit off - I'd learned my lesson in that regard).

"Sorry," Akagi apologized to me when I arrived. "Shinji was available, and the Evangelion was ready for testing."

"It's fine," I shrugged, opening the drink I'd snatched from the vending machine on the way by. I tried to stay out of the way while I stood there observing the action.

"Worried?" Akagi said, at one point, and it took me a moment to realize she was talking to me.

"Huh? No. Why?" I asked.

She nodded towards the bandaged, half-exposed Eva beyond the glass. "You've seen the truth now. You all have. I was actually worried that you or Asuka would react.. poorly.. to that revelation."

I tried not to smirk, as the cadence of her statement reminded me of an old movie. "I'm okay," I shrugged again. "Asuka, I don't know about. She's always talking about how Eva is no more than a tool to her."

Ritsuko sighed and nodded, though I got the idea there was more on her mind than our discussion, specifically about the Second Child. "Well, you know that if there's ever anything you need to discuss, we're all here for you, right?"

"Right," I nodded, trying to seem sincere. Inside, I was saying, I wonder how much of that you really mean?

"Doctor," Ibuki called out. "You really should see this."

"One moment," Akagi said to me, and turned to the console. "What is it, May--"

Maya turned to gauge her mentor's reaction as the latter cut herself off. "You are reading it right, Doctor," the lieutenant said.

Ritsuko picked her jaw up off the floor. "And he's still.. there? Still conscious and talking to us?"

Maya answered by leaning towards a gooseneck microphone. "How do you feel, Shinji?"

"All right," came the reply, in his usual non-committal tone, perhaps with a bit of a positive slant to it.

"Amazing," Akagi drew out.

"What?" I asked, leaning over.

Akagi stepped forward quickly, obscuring the display; she shook her head, saying nothing - at least, in my direction. To the techs, she said, "I want the sampling rate increased to 10 hertz, and make sure the logging goes into a separate file - a secure one. What's the solenoid's readouts?"

"Nominal," someone said. "No spikes noted."

"Clear the test center of non-essential personnel," she uttered, and the guard stationed at the door gestured towards me and the other couple of random folk who were just watching. It was clearly time for us to go.

After being ushered back into the corridor, I set about wandering, trying to think about what I'd seen and what it was that I hadn't seen that was so big that Akagi had to hide it from view.

'Is he still there?' I replayed in my head. That implies she was expecting the situation to result in another phase-out or whatever it should be called.

A high sync ratio, theoretically, would provide that. Was Shinji close to, or at, 400 percent synchronicity again?

I tried to visualize in my mind's eye any of the screen that I'd spied before Akagi blocked it, but nothing jumped out at me. Of course, most of it was about as likely for me to understand as a caveman would be able to decipher an integrated circuit blueprint, but that was beside the point.

At one point, I realized I'd managed to get back to the Cage where 02 and 03 were being kept, side-by-side. In one partition, 02 was still being put back together, as it had been when I'd left it scarcely a half-hour before; on the other, 03 stood dormant and quiet.

But still activated and functional, of course, with the S2 inside her.

I had been standing there for several long moments - how much time, exactly, I don't know - when I heard a noise down below. I was on a gantry catwalk partway up the Eva's body; the coolant had been lowered several meters to allow the workers to continue with 02 next door. I looked down and saw two orange-jumpsuited men lugging something between them, two catwalk levels down and in a darkened corner of 03's part of the Cage.

My mind had registered that they were in the wrong place to be workers by the time they hefted their cargo over the railing. The splash was faint, but noticeable for someone expecting it. The 03 Cage was deserted, though, except for me and them, and the 02 Cage was such a beehive of activity that the sound wasn't even noticed.

I peered and strained to see what it was in the darkness, but it was pretty tough to see anything. The two of them hung around briefly, staring as their cargo first floated a little, then began to sink.

"There," came one voice, in Japanese. It was a monumental task just to be able to hear it. "By the time the coolant gets purged and recycled, he'll be long gone."

"Good," replied the other, as they turned to go. "If you say so."

Absolute horror overran me as I realized that I'd just witnessed a body dumping. My senses took an even bigger hit when it occurred to me just whose body it probably was.

Even in the darkness.. even under the pink hue of the coolant.. I'd recognize that blue dress shirt anywhere.

I gripped the railing as my knees felt like they were going to give out. I tried to catch one last glimpse of the corpse of Ryoji Kaji, but it was already under the depths.

There was a hellacious thumping sound going on, and it took me a moment to realize it was my pulse pounding. I gasped in several big gulps of air, trying to be quiet about it, and finally let myself go to a sitting position on the metal walkway.

I'm sorry, Kaji, my thoughts called out. I probably should have tried to do something.

I was chastising myself as I sat there feeling numb. Wasn't 'doing something' what I had planned to do all along? Not just for Kaji, but for the entire scenario that was about to play out? Wasn't that my reason for being there - to see what was coming and adjust to handle it?

No, I realized. Kaworu picked you randomly. He could have just as easily snatched a 96 year old emphysema patient who'd never heard of anime at all.

Again, I don't know how long I waited there, letting my thoughts chase their tails. I know it was long enough that I felt safe to leave without being suspected of having seen what I'd seen. I headed directly to the changeroom, switching into my street clothes after a long, pondering, hot shower, and then started out for home.

Bumping right into Shinji Ikari as we both exited our respective changerooms.

"Ow!" I exclaimed, rubbing my forehead where we'd made the cranial connection.

"Sorry," Ikari hurried to say, stepping toward me again. "Are you all right?"

"I wasn't looking where I was going," I admitted, opening one eye to look at him. "I'm the one who should be sorry. Don't sweat it."

My smile seemed to put him at ease, and he gave a faint smile back. "All right," he said. Looking my attire over, he commented, "Are you heading home now?"

"Yeah," I said. "I've had enough of this place for one day."

"I understand," he nodded. Blushing a little, he said, "Do you.. should we.. I mean.. we might as well walk together?"

It was phrased as a suggestion, but spoken as a question. I giggled and nodded. "Fine by me," I said. "Just so long as you know it doesn't mean anything."

"Of-of course," he stammered.

And so, we began our trek home. Getting to the exit hall was fairly swift, as one might expect; after going through security, which still had heightened presence, even upon departure, our path home seemed all but deserted.

"How are the repairs coming?" Shinji asked me.

"Oh! Fine," I said, almost caught off guard. "Zero is back together, as far as I know, and Two is getting there."

"That's good to hear," he nodded. "I'm sure both Rei and Asuka are very eager to get back to what they do best."

"I guess," I said. "Speaking of doing best, there seemed to be something of a commotion in the test center today when you went online. What was that about?"

"Oh," Shinji said, shrugging. He seemed reluctant to talk about it.

"What?" I asked. "Is it something bad? Something I shouldn't pry into?"

"No-no, nothing like that," he hurriedly responded. After another moment of silence, he said, "Dr. Akagi told me that my sync ratio was over one hundred percent today."

"What?" I blinked. "How is that possible?" I'd suspected that was along the lines of what they'd been hiding from me, but I was genuinely curious about how such a thing could happen. To me, 100 percent should mean total synchronicity. What does it mean when one scores higher than that?

"I don't know," Shinji said, answering my spoken question. He looked to the sky for a moment. "I think it's my mother's doing."

 

I lay on my bed that night, staring up at the ceiling, but focused inwardly on the thoughts racing through my head.

Shinji Ikari knows the secrets of the Evangelion.

I'd feigned confusion, and urged Shinji to explain what he meant. It was exactly what I suspected he'd say; he told me how in his thirty days inside the Eva, as quantum mass or however you wish to describe it, he'd witnessed his mother's soul. I knew better than to ask what exactly he meant by that, but at first blush, the phrase sounded rather confusing. I wanted to pry deeper, but felt it would be an invasion of his privacy to do so.

How is this gonna change things? I wondered. Would Shinji, working in tandem with his mother, be able to fight as well as Asuka did - er, would - against the MPs? Would he be able to prevent Third Impact with ease, with this new knowledge and ability?

Did he know this in the 'original' version, and it was never let on to the viewer?

I shut my eyes, once again berating myself for worrying too much about what might come. I resolved to just keep a closer eye on Shinji and adapt and react to whatever happened.

I was almost asleep when a noise from the other side of the wall jerked me awake. It took a minute for me to realize it was the sound of Misato's table scraping across the floor as she collapsed against it, followed by the sounds of her sobbing.

And so she knows, I realized. For a while, before Shinji dropped his bombshell on me, I'd been wondering if I should have reported what I'd seen in the Cage. But to whom? There was little doubt in my mind that the two 'workers' were disguised Section Two agents. Maybe they had carried out the assassination themselves, or maybe they'd just been ordered to dispose of the body. Regardless, I had no real recourse, once I thought about it; it was SEELE who had surely ordered the hit, as it were, and going against them would be utterly ridiculous. These are the kind of people who send entire countries' armies against NERV headquarters, I reminded myself.

I briefly wondered if I could have gotten on Gendo Ikari's good side - if there was one - by explaining what I saw. That too was quickly quashed; knowing him, he was 'in the know' about Kaji's fate from the moment it was decided, and figured it played into his own hand nicely.

There was a bad feeling in my stomach while I lay awake in bed. After a moment, I realized it was fear. I was afraid of the uncertain future stretching out before me. Things weren't going as they should have been. And the death of someone I'd had encounters with - simply for his actions in the course of his job, however nefarious they might have been - really hit me hard.

A muffled voice sounded from the other side of the wall. As I focused on listening to it, I recognized Kaji's tone and inflection. The answering machine message. Misato had to be replaying it.

A sudden realization came to me at that moment, and my mind replayed the events of the day in my head: I got up, raced through the shower, got dressed, and bolted for the elevator..

..distantly aware of the phone ringing next door as I headed out.

I'd been there when Kaji had made his final phone call. His last will and testament, and confession, of sorts.

I was sure that moments after hanging up, he was likely dead.

Once again, I shut my eyes.

I don't know if I can do this any more.

 

Days passed, and no men in black from Section Two came to abduct me and snuff me out. I felt guilty at feeling relieved at that, but there was little I could do about the past.

And, it seemed, not much I could do about the future, either.

I tried to go to class a half-week or so after Kaji's death, hoping a return to routine would sort my mind out and renew my sense of purpose, or something like that. I was in for a surprise when I got there.

"Wh-where is everybody?" I asked Hikari.

She turned to regard me and my unorthodox greeting. "Ayanami is absent as usual; Shinji and Asuka haven't been seen in days, and--"

"I meant everyone else," I said, gesturing around the sparsely-populated room. Besides her and I, Kensuke, and Toji, there were less than five other students present.

"Everyone's moving away," Toji cut in, turning his head to look out the window with an expression of annoyance. "They say this isn't the place for families any more."

"Oh," I replied, wondering why Hikari looked so sad all of a sudden.

"Mr. Suzuhara feels that way, too," Kensuke said.

"Oh. Oh," I said, finally getting it. Turning back to Toji, I said, "So does that mean you'll be going?"

"Not if I can help it," he grumbled.

I was about to say more, when another person entered the classroom. I blinked and frowned, setting a determined look on my face. "I'll be back," I told my friends. "Keep me posted, okay?"

"We will," Hikari said, nodding, and watching along with the others as I stalked towards Kaworu Nagisa.

 

"Good morning," Kaworu said to me in a pleasant yet neutral tone.

"We need to talk in private," I told him. "Out in the hall, now."

"This is an interesting turn of events," he smirked, turning back for the door. "You approaching me, that is."

"Shut up," I said, pushing him out of the classroom. Once we were in the hall, I led him down a hallway or two and into one of the disused stairwells - and with the low population of the school, finding a 'disused' portion was easier than before.

"You need to tell me what the hell is up with SEELE," I demanded of him in a low tone.

"What makes you think I have any idea?" he countered.

"You're their goddamn lackey," I shot back. "Why'd they wipe Kaji off the face of the earth??"

"Again, this is information I'm not privy to," Kaworu replied. "I don't understand why you think I would--"

"Well, why did they send you here, if not to do their bidding?!"

"Lower your voice," he suggested calmly, and I realized with embarrassment that I hadn't been exactly whispering. He added, "Why I'm here is complicated--"

"Trust me, I can imagine," I said sarcastically.

"Please stop interrupting me," Kaworu told me, getting about as upset as I'd seen him. He continued again: "I can't discuss my reason for being here right now."

"Fine," I snapped. "But I don't like what's going on."

Kaworu turned to slide the classroom door open. "The beauty of this world, Lilim, is that you have the ability to choose to 'not like' it."

 

The rest of the school day was more of an annoyance than anything else. I was in a bad mood all day because of the argument with Kaworu, and the fact I hadn't been able to confront him with half the things I'd wanted to. As I stewed during class, I realized I couldn't even assemble into thoughts the things I wanted to discuss with him. I didn't really have things laid out properly in my head. I vowed that before I tried again, I'd set it all up mentally, or even write it out if I had to.

The other problem was that Hikari - forgive her - needled me endlessly about Asuka. At least I could explain away her absence for the day - restart tests with Nigouki required the Second Child's presence for the whole day. The difficult part came when Hikari brought up Asuka's demeanor as of late.

"I don't know what to think," the class president said at lunch time. "One minute she's off in her own world with a weird little smile on her face, and the next, she's all.."

"Pissy?" I suggested.

"Um.. I guess that's a good word for it," Hikari blushed.

"You know how competitive she is," I told her. "Things aren't going so well right now."

"How do you mean? .. or is this one of those things you can't talk about?"

I thought back to the crushing defeat Asuka had suffered at the hands - or razor-sharp ribbon appendages, to be more precise - of the previous Angel. "Sorry," I apologized to Hikari, nodding.

"Isn't there a way we can cheer her up?"

"I wish I could think of something," I said. The fact that Shinji's score had skyrocketed entered my mind. Shit. She's probably learned about that already. "There are a lot of factors," I said, trying to explain.

"Will you at least say hi to her for me?"

"If she'll talk to me, yeah, I will," I said, smiling to Hikari, feeling a little hopeful.

 

That afternoon, I made up my mind to find Asuka and talk with her, whatever it took. The first hurdle to clear was going to be to figure out where she was.

In the end, I went home, figuring that she'd show up there sooner or later - and it would be easier than heading to headquarters and missing her on the way. In the end, I lucked out.

"You home?" I called over the railing on our balcony.

"Yeah," came the eventual, yet terse, response, muffled somewhat by walls and doors. I hopped the railing and let myself in through the screen door.

Asuka momentarily came out of the bathroom, muttering curse words in German. When she saw me, she said, "What a pain in.. no, I'd better not finish that, with the punster in the apartment."

I smirked; at least her sense of humor was still functioning. "I hear you," I told her. Starting out with 'idle chat', I said, "So how did the restart test go?"

"All right," she said, flumping down on the couch and turning on the television. "I guess."

"You guess?" I said, trying to keep the mood light. "I put the arms on backwards, didn't I?"

She looked at me with a half-frown, and a rolling of her eyes. "Please," she groaned. "I'm not in the mood for that."

"I know," I replied softly after a moment's contemplation. "I think I know what your reply is going to be to this, but there are people who are worried about you. Hikari specifically asked after you today. And I'm willing to bet that today's performance didn't help your mood at all."

She blinked and frowned at me again. "How did you--"

"Because I know how you'd react to the news about Shinji."

"What about him?" she scoffed, looking away. "Why would I care for a weirdo like him?"

"Don't go down this road again, Asuka," I cautioned her. "I know your feelings for him. Don't try to pull your tough-girl bullshit on me."

She looked like she wanted to lunge for my carotid artery, but sat there furiously on the couch instead, folding her arms and glaring at me. "Fine. Whatever. What's so newsworthy about him, in any case?"

Oh, shit. Great. "You don't know? About his score yesterday?"

One eyebrow was raised. "No. What was it?"

"I'll tell you if you promise.. promise .. that you won't make a big deal out of it."

"Yeah, whatever," she shrugged.

I took a deep breath. "Shinji scored over 100 percent on his latest sync test."

Asuka blinked and sucked in breath through clenched teeth. "How is that poss.." she said before trailing off.

"I don't understand the math of it either," I said. "But promise me you won't blame him for it. It's not like he's consciously doing this to spite you."

She clearly wanted to take me to task with this statement, but held her tongue for the moment. "Fine. Who cares? It's not like I can't be just as effective.. just as good."

"I know you can, and everyone else has faith in you too," I said, seeing a way to maybe help her excel. "Just let us give you advice."

"I don't need advice!" she shot back angrily. "I just need my Eva to do what I tell it to."

"That's exactly it," I tried to explain, but she cut me off and said she didn't want to hear about it.

I sighed and stood there for a moment, to try to collect my thoughts. Asuka asked me sarcastically if I was finished.

"No," I told her. "Because if I give up, you will keep falling. You'll hit rock bottom, Asuka, and as your friend, I won't allow that. You have so much potential, you are so..." I struggled to find the word I was looking for, which gave Asuka a moment to drive a wedge into my tirade.

"I thought you had faith in me?" she mocked my earlier statement. "Now you're saying I'm no good! Make up your mind, Fourth."

"Fuck! Asuka, stop it," I snarled. "Just shut your mouth for once and listen. There's no weakness in accepting help from someone. Even if you don't want to admit that you took assistance, at least let me offer it. Maybe it's me that needs the boost that giving you help would provide. If you won't take my advice for your sake, then why not take it for mine?"

She stared at me for a moment, trying to make heads or tails of my rant. Finally, she looked back to the TV and said, "Whatever."

I sighed again and threw in the proverbial towel. Walking past her, I went to the screen door to let myself out onto the balcony once again. As I slid the door open, I turned and said, very deliberately, "I want you to remember one thing, when things start to get rough. Everyone is here for you. I'm not going to give up on you. Whether you like it or not, in some ways, we're all a family, all of us that are connected to Eva. And family looks after one another."

She didn't say anything as I let myself out.

 

The next afternoon was when I next had contact with any one of them - the other pilots or NERV staff, I mean. Again, Kaworu and I were the only ones to bother attending classes. I stayed distanced from him as much as I could.

It was Rei Ayanami that I encountered, on the train heading home. I noticed a small scratch on her cheek.

"What's happened?" I asked after greeting her.

"Pilot S.. Asuka struck me," came the reply.

"What? Why?"

"She disagrees with my philosophy, I suppose."

"What do you mean?"

"She called me a doll."

"Oh." I sat down beside Rei. "And a puppet, I'm guessing? Doing whatever you're told?"

"Am I wrong to do as I'm told?" she asked.

"No.. well, not usually," I replied. "Don't take it personally. Asuka's not having a good week."

"Her harmonics test was nearly a failure," Rei said. "I understand Dr. Akagi is having core code written to allow Pilot Nagisa to take over Unit 02 if necessary."

"Ggk," I winced. "I hope it doesn't come to that." For a whole metric buttload of reasons.

"I tried to offer advice," Rei said. "But it was refused."

"To Asuka, you mean?"

"Yes." She finally glanced over to me. "I was not aware she does not know about the Evangelions."

"About.. oh," I said, realizing the implied details after the fact. "I don't know if she'd believe it if we told her."

"Shinji believes."

I looked at Rei. "He told you?"

"On the train home yesterday," she acknowledged. "He is.. very talkative around me."

I'm sure, I didn't answer. "I see."

"Why are so many people upset?" Rei asked.

I thought about that for a moment; it surely would look that way to her. Asuka was livid because she'd been defeated, and her Eva wasn't responding properly. Dr. Akagi would be upset because of Asuka's poor performance. Misato was upset because of Asuka and because of Kaji. And I was upset because..

Because everyone else was? Was that my only excuse?

"It's just a stressful time, I suppose," I said with a shrug. "What with the drastic damage that was done by the last Angel, and the things that happened to all our Evas.. and Shinji, of course.."

I trailed off; I doubted Rei would buy it, anyway.