Other Fan Fiction ❯ Change the name and not the letter ❯ Chapter 1
Change the Name And not the Letter
You, my faithful readers, will doubtlessly recall how I, Bertram Wooster Lord Yaxley, unexpectedly got engaged to one Honorable Penelope Windermere, Bunty as she prefers to be called. That sterling girl saved me from serving a considerable sentence for theft, of which I was completely innocent, she became a true friend to me, being one of the precious few girls in my life who didn't try to mould me into anything or to drag me into anything, And moreover, being so sure of my innocence that she turned the entire village of Kembleford upside down for yours truly's sake, challenging policemen And recruiting a most wise And kind Catholic priest, her friend, to help me in my case. So you understand that I became most deeply attached to her. And this wonderful girl also provided me with a smokescreen, becoming engaged to me to get Aunt Agatha off my case to marry an awful beazel who turned to be the real thief. And she offered to me to keep the guise, to which I of course agreed. I was perfectly Happy with the arrangement but, of course, there were inevitable snags. For example, we had to persuade Aunt Agatha that we were, you know, really fond of each other, which was true, only not in that sense. And my Aunt Agatha, Lady Worplesdon en secondés noces, is a most formidable Lady who makes even the strongest men lose their composure, so the task before us was not a mean one. After I, as befits a true gentleman, published the announcement about my betrothal in the press, of course Aunt Agatha called me on the phone And demanded to meet with my fiancée. So I called Bunty, who lived in Montague Hall in Kembleford which was in Gloucestershire, And informed her of Aunt Agatha's wish.
'Of course, Bertie,' Bunty said with a distinct smile in her voice. 'I'll come And meet her for lunch.'
'But Bunty, old thing, my Aunt Agatha is a most daunting specimen, are you equal to it?' I asked anxiously.
'Oh don't worry, Bertie, I knew worse, believe me,' she smiled.
'Well then,' I said smiling too. 'Toodle-pip, old thing!'
'Cheers, Bertie,' Bunty smiled And hung up.
So on the nearest Sunday Bunty drove to my place, Berkeley Mansions in Berkeley Square, And rang on my door. Jeeves, my man, answered the door And announced to me, 'Miss Windermere, my Lord.' I smiled broadly And rose from my piano, on which I was playing one of my favourite songs, 47 Ginger Headed Sailors, And trotted to the hall to meet Bunty. She was stunning in a sleek turquoise dress, And smiling broadly as always.
'What ho, Bunty old thing!' I said jovially.
'Hullo Bertie,' Bunty smiled broadly And embraced me tightly. I accepted her embrace blushing.
'Are you quite ready?' I asked anxiously.
'And you?' Bunty grinned.
'Well, as one can be ready for these things,' I shrugged.
'Good then,' Bunty smiled broadly.
'Now let me get dressed for the occasion please,' I requested. She nodded smiling broadly.
'Meanwhile be my guest, Bunty, come into my sitting room, be seated. Jeeves will bring refreshment to you. What will you have, Bunty?'
'Brandy And soda,' Bunty smiled gently. 'Will you, Jeeves?'
'Of course, miss,' Jeeves smiled with a corner of his mouth, went to the kitchen And returned carrying a tray with a glass of amber b. And s. He approached Bunty with it. She took the glass from the tray And said, 'Thank you, Jeeves,' with a broad smile. He smiled slightly to her.
I went to my bedroom And changed from my Green knit vest And beige trousers into a dapper dark blue double breasted three-piece suit with White stripes with a Gray necktie, with Jeeves' help, of course.
'Well, how do I look, Jeeves?' I asked anxiously.
'Most elegantly, my Lord,' Jeeves nodded quietly.
'Splendid!' I said smiling brightly And went to my fiancée.
'Wow, looking swell, Bertie!' Bunty smiled broadly.
'Well, thanks awfully, old thing,' I blushed.
I offered my hand to her gallantly And we left my flat.
We met Aunt Agatha at Claridge's. She was sitting there at the table looking as always, able to chew broken bottles.
'What ho, Aunt Agatha!' I said cheerfully.
'Would you refrain from that abysmal greeting, Bertie,' Aunt Agatha said coldly. Bunty bristled visibly at that.
'Good afternoon, Lady Worplesdon,' she said coolly.
Aunt Agatha looked dubiously at her.
When we were seated, Aunt Agatha asked Bunty staring at her austerely:
'Miss Windermere, I trust you know that my nephew has many faults, but I think you are strong enough to mould him into something more acceptable?'
At that Bunty said looking Aunt Agatha straight in the eye:
'No, Lady Worplesdon, I don't intend to 'mould' Bertie into anything, I like him as he is, a perfect gentleman, a good companion, an accomplished pianist And sportsman. He's a man after my own heart, I don't intend to change anything in him, at all.'
I stared at her brave response.
'Miss Windermere, I understand that you are besotted by my nephew, but really, this is too much! You are blind to his faults, you will see your mistake, but it will be too late. You are a foolish naive young girl,' Aunt Agatha said disdainfully.
'Now wait a minute, Aunt Agatha!' I raised my voice. 'I won't let you talk with my fiancée in such a tone!'
Aunt Agatha stared at me. Bunty grinned at me broadly.
'Thank you, Bertie dear,' she said softly. 'Lady Worplesdon, we are attached to each other, we are affianced, And nothing will change that.'
Aunt Agatha looked at us And nodded slowly.
'Well, there is Nothing I can do if it's so, I hope you both are not mistaken.'
'I really don't think so, Lady Worplesdon,' Bunty said firmly. I nodded taking taking her hand And squeezing it as a sign of support.
The rest of lunch passed in silence.
When we left Claridge's, we smiled broadly to each other.
'Good job, Bunty old thing,' I complimented her.
'Same about you, Bertie,' Bunty smiled broadly. We returned to my flat arm in arm.
'Well, it went splendid, Jeeves,' I answered to my man's questioning glance. 'You should see how Bunty defended me in front in dread Aunt Agatha, And yours truly defended her in turn, Bunty, not Aunt Agatha, you understand.'
'I regret having missed it, my Lord,' Jeeves smiled with a corner of his mouth.
'Do you have any more snobbish relatives, Bertie?' Bunty asked curiously.
'No, thankfully,' I reassured her. 'Aunt Dahlia is a good soul, And so are my cousins, Angela, Bonzo And others. Well, there is my cousin by marriage, Lady Florence Craye, Lord Worplesdon's daughter, but we don't really meet. She's married to Brinkley, a MP, a real cad, so you understand we don't communicate usually. That Brinkley was once my valet, you know, And he must have been the worst valet in the world. He nearly fed me with rotten meat, And set my country cottage on fire. Later he inherited a large sum from his uncle And became a house owner, And then he ran for Parliament, And Florence latched onto him, they are a match for each other I must say.'
'So where do we meet your Aunt Dahlia? Mrs Travers, Yes? '
'Yes, Travers en secondes noces, née Wooster, a sister of my late father,' I nodded. 'Her husband Tom can be grumpy sometimes, about such things as taxes And antiques, but he's a good soul on the large. They live at Brinkley Court, Worcestershire, And that's where we'll see them.'
'All right,' Bunty nodded vigorously. I smiled gently to her. What a splendid girl indeed!
Bunty smiled broadly to Bertie. He looked positively dashing in that dark blue suit with White stripes And a Gray tie! And he defended her so bravely before his formidable Aunt, such a meek man as he was! And she was relieved to know he hasn't got any more ghastly relatives, cousins by marriage didn't count. She noticed Jeeves smiling slightly at them.
So that very evening I called my Aunt Dahlia And told her I'll be coming to Brinkley Court with my fiancée.
'So you are engaged not by mistake at last, young blot?' Aunt Dahlia boomed. She's an old huntress, you see, And is accustomed to talking as if with someone who rides behind the hounds half a milé from her.
'Yes, Aunt Dahlia,' I smiled gently. 'Bunty is a swell girl, real good stuff, a cert.'
'She's a niece of Felicia Montague, isn't she?' Aunt Dahlia asked curiously.
'Yeah, old relative,' I smiled gently.
'And where did you meet her, Bertie?' Aunt Dahlia asked curiously.
'At Montague Hall, Kembleford, Gloucestershire,' I informed her. 'I was sent there by Aunt Agatha to court another awful beazel. And guess what, that beazel stole that emerald necklace, And the local head of rozzers arrested yours truly. But Bunty, so her friends call her, did everything in her power to help me, And she succeeded. Her friend, the local priest, Father Brown, is a real detective, on par with Sherlock Holmes, Hercule Poirot et al. So he found the real culprit aided by Bunty, Jeeves And a young man called Sid Carter, a friend of hers. And I was released without a stain on my character. So I became deeply attached to Bunty, you understand.'
'Well, well, well!' Aunt Dahlia boomed. 'It seems you found a good girl at last, young hound!'
'I think so too, my flesh And Blood,' I smiled. 'So can we come to Brinkley Court? What about next Tuesday?'
'Of course, young blot,' Aunt Dahlia boomed.
'Well, that's settled then,' I smiled. 'Tinkerty-tonk!'
'Toodle-pip, Bertie,' Aunt Dahlia boomed And I heard her hanging up, so I hung up too.
I called Bunty And informed her that we we're welcome in Brinkley Court.
'Well, that's great,' Bunty said with a smile in her voice.
'Exactly, old girl,' I smiled. 'Next Tuesday, what?'
'All right,' Bunty said with a smile in her voice.
'So, toodle-pip, old thing,' I smiled.
'Cheers, Bertie,' Bunty smiled And hung up.
So next Tuesday we headed for Brinkley Court, Jeeves And me in the old two seater And Bunty in hers with her maid Susie, a nice girl. When we drove to the fine classical mansion, I stopped, jumped out of my car And went to help Bunty get out of hers. I proffered my hand to her, she took it smiling gently And alighted out of her car. Meanwhile Jeeves got our things out of my car And helped Susie to get out of Bunty's car And to get their things out. Bunty And me went to the front entrance hand in hand, followed by Jeeves with Susie And our belongings.
'Good afternoon, Your Lordship,' Seppings, Aunt Dahlia's majordomo, greeted me with a gentle smile.
'Good afternoon, Seppings,' I smiled gently. 'This is my fiancée, Honourable Miss Penelope Windermere.'
'Good afternoon, Miss Windermere,' Seppings greeted her gently.
'Good afternoon, Seppings,' Bunty smiled broadly.
'Your Lordship, Miss Windermere, your rooms are ready for you,' Seppings informed us.
'Thank you, Seppings,' I smiled gently.
'Thank you, Seppings,' Bunty smiled broadly.
'Well, old thing, toodle-pip for now, what?' I smiled broadly. 'I have to change, And so do you, I believe.'
'Oh of course, Bertie,' Bunty smiled broadly. 'See you!'
I nodded smiling broadly, And we parted our ways for the nonce, yours truly And Jeeves with our things taking the high road And Bunty with Susie And their things the low road, as it were.
Once in our apartments, Jeeves unpacked our things And helped me to change into evening dress.
'Aunt Dahlia will like Bunty, how do you think, Jeeves?' I asked smiling broadly.
'Undoubtedly, my Lord,' Jeeves answered calmly, straightening my tailcoat And black tie.
'Good,' I grinned broadly. Jeeves smiled with a corner of his mouth.
When I came downstairs for the dinner, I found in the dining room, to my appréhension, not only Aunt Dahlia, Uncle Tom, my cousin Angela And her Fiancé Tuppy Glossop, but also Madeleine Lady Sidcup, née Bassett, And her husband Lord Sidcup, formerly Roderick Spode. This Madeleine was a friend of Angela's, so that accounted for her présence in Brinkley Court, but she was one of those soppy girls who thought that stars were God's daisy chain And that each time a fairy blows her nose a baby is born, so I was never comfortable with her, but she thought I was hopelessly in love with her, as once I tried to promote my friend Gussie Fink-Nottle's case to her, And she thought I was talking about myself. Thankfully she was in love with Gussie, so she rejected me. But each time she got into a spat with Gussie, she declared to yours truly that she will make me Happy by becoming my wife, which I didn't have the slightest desire for. And my dislike for her was confirmed when she tried to put Gussie on a vegetarian diet. Then Gussie, naturally, eloped with Emerald Stoker, a pretty And considerate girl And a good cook, And I was on the condemned's row once more, but it turned out to be that Spode was in love with her since she was so high. They married eventually, so I was at least was safe from marriage to her. But the thing was that Spode was awfully jealous of her, And he was once a wannabe dictator who threatened to turn me into a jelly many times. So you see why I wasn't pleased in the least to see that ghastly couple, as they're Nothing but trouble. But when I saw Bunty in her evening attire, all my fears vanished somewhere. Bunty was frankly breathtaking. She was wearing a burgundy dress with very low draped collar combined with very short draped sleeves, which left open her smooth unblemished shoulders And arms with pleasant light tan, the skirt of the dress was very full And the waist very thin. Also Bunty had a thread of pearls around her slender neck And drop shaped earrings with emeralds surrounded by small diamonds, And on her dainty hands were long White velvet gloves. I gaped, And my breath caught in my chest. Bunty smiled to me gently. I approached her gently And offered my hand to her. She took it gently.
'Shall we take our seats, Bertie?' she smiled broadly.
'Oh, er, of course, Bunty,' I managed to say.
I led her to the table And moved out a chair for her.
'Thank you, Bertie dear,' she said smiling radiantly, And sat down. Then I took my place too, smiling at Bunty gently.
Aunt Dahlia looked at us smiling broadly.
'Miss Windermere, Yes? '
'Yes, Honourable Penelope Windermere, my fiancée,' I said proudly. 'My Aunt, Mrs Dahlia Travers, her husband Mr Thomas Travers, their daughter Angela, her fiancé Mr Hildebrand Glossop, And Roderick Lord Sidcup And his wife Madeleine Lady Sidcup.'
'Pleased to meet you,' Bunty smiled broadly.
Madeleine looked at me with a mixture of pity And doubt in her eyes.
'Bertie, I'm so glad you found your happiness at last,' she said wistfully. 'I was so sorry for you, you we're pining so much for me. But Bertie, don't you know the saying about the name And the letter? It's awful bad luck! I do hope you're not facing great misfortune!'
'Eh, what? What saying?' I said nonplussed.
Aunt Dahlia was trying hard not to laugh.
'But Bertie, how could you forget?' Madeleine said making terrified big eyes. 'To change the name And not the letter, to change for the worse And not the better! It means that when a woman marries a man whose last name starts with the Same letter as hers, Nothing good will come of it! Oh, Bertie! You're a Wooster And your fiancée is a Windermere, see!? I do hope No disaster awaits you, but I greatly fear for you, Bertie, And your intended!'
Only then did I remember that old saying. It was a pile of old cobblers, of course, can't even imagine where it came from. But leave it to Madeleine née Bassett to believe in such rot.
'What rot, Madeleine,' I said firmly.
Bunty was trying hard not to laugh too. And Spode was glaring daggers at me, the perisher.
'Lady Sidcup, don't worry, I won't change my name,' Bunty smiled broadly. 'I will remain Penelope Windermere.'
Madeleine gaped like a goldfish. I smiled broadly at Bunty, leave it to her to find a suitable answer in all circs.
'But won't it lead to confusion, Miss Windermere?' Madeleine said doubtfully.
'Not at all,' Bunty grinned. 'Remember, I would be called Lady Yaxley anyway.'
'Yes, that's perfectly right,' I said smiling broadly. 'It's not as if she would be Mrs Wooster.'
Bunty nodded smiling broadly.
'Yes, Bertie, I forget that you inherited the title,' Madeleine nodded. 'It will be all right then.'
Aunt Dahlia pretended she had a coughing fit. I smiled broadly to my lovely fiancée And squeezed her hand under the table. Bunty smiled gently to me.
'So where And when did you meet?' Angela asked curiously. I proceeded to tell the company how I was sent by Aunt Agatha to Kembleford to court an awful beazel called Isabelle Rackstraw, how I met Bunty in the village, how I took a liking to her from the start, how she introduced me to her Aunt And uncle, how she led me to look at the Montague collection And I admired the emerald necklace, I threw a meaningful look at Aunt Dahlia, Uncle Tom, Angela And Tuppy at this point. How the next morning I was awoken by an awful racket due to the rozzers headed by one Inspector Mallory searching the house because the bally necklace was stolen, how that cad Mallory arrested me. How Bunty came to visit me in the local coop And told she had a friend who will surely help me. How that friend turned to be, to my utter amazement, a Catholic priest, called Father Brown. How Father Brown guessed that the real thief was the Rackstraw, And asked Bunty to question the servants as to the Rackstraw menace's whereabouts, And Sid Carter to search the Rackstraw's room. How Jeeves noticed that the junior gardener had shifty eyes when he said that he saw the Rackstraw through the window reading in her room, And pressured by Bunty that because of him an innocent man could go to jail, confessed he was on a tryst, And Sid found the necklace in the Rackstraw's mattress. And finally, how a very disgruntled Mallory set me free with apologies, And my new friends welcomed me by the police station And we went to the Red Lion pub to celebrate. I said that I proposed to Bunty during the celebration, And she accepted. Bunty listened to me with a broad smile on her lovely Face. I smiled gently to her when I finished.
'Well, Bertie, you seem to have landed a sterling girl at last,' Angela smiled broadly.
'It certainly appears to be so, old thing,' I nodded smiling broadly.
'I can't believe it that such an oaf as you got such a girl,' Tuppy said in his usual blunt fashion.
'Thank you, Tuppy old man,' I said politely. Bunty smiled broadly to me.
Spode was glaring at me all this time.
After the dinner Bunty said to me, 'Care to go for a walk, Bertie?'
'Oh, absolutely, old thing,' I smiled broadly.
I offered my hand to her, And we walked in Brinkley Court's gardens, along the young pond that calls itself a lake, by the rose bushes And smooth lawns. We talked in an Animated fashion while we were at it. Bunty, it turned out, liked Mysteries, golf, cricket And squash as much as me. I promised to teach darts to her.
'Your friend, Tuppy, he's a bit blunt, isn't he?' Bunty asked smiling broadly.
'To say the least,' I sighed. 'He regularly says to Angela that she looks like a Peke with her new hairdo, or something like that. Then Angela gets all miffed, of course, And Tuppy gets disgruntled and turns his attention to some extraneous beazel, And Aunt Dahlia calls on Jeeves And yours truly to return Tuppy to the shed. With Jeeves' superior brains And yours truly's careful execution of his plans it doesn't fail to succeed, And Tuppy returns to Angela...till the next spat.'
Bunty nodded smiling broadly.
'And that Madeleine really is awfully soppy, And her husband is still jealous of you,' she remarked.
'Yes, unfortunately,' I sighed.
After a long And pleasant walk we returned to the house.
'Well, good night, Bertie,' Bunty smiled gently.
'Good night, Bunty old thing,' I smiled broadly.
I looked at her lovely smiling Face, And, Acting on an impulse, I leaned to her And kissed her gently. Then I instantly blushed, realising what I have done, And looked on Bunty unsure.
But Bunty smiled radiantly at me.
'Er, what, you liked it?' I said timidly.
'Of course I liked it, Bertie,' Bunty smiled broadly. 'Bertie, we are engaged for Gods sake!'
'Eh, I suppose you're right,' I said sheepishly. 'So our engagement isn't fictive now, what?'
'Yeah, Bertie,' Bunty smiled broadly.
'So, good night again, my dear,' I said smiling broadly.
'Good night, Bertie,' Bunty smiled radiantly And slipped into the house like a vision.
When I returned to my room And Jeeves started to helping me out of my clothes, I informed him, smiling broadly:
'Jeeves old thing, congratulate me, my engagement is No more fictive.'
'Indeed, my Lord? ' Jeeves asked with a smile in his voice.
'You aren't surprised, I see?' I asked bewildered.
'Well, my Lord, your mutual feelings we're pretty obvious for some days,' Jeeves said gently. 'You liked each other from the start, And then the way you met her at your flat And the way you defended each other before Lady Worplesdon...No, my Lord, I'm not surprised in the least, And it's good you realized your feelings at last. And if I may say so, the young Lady is very suitable for you, she's strong but not authoritarian, jovial but not volatile. Accept my congratulations, my Lord.'
'Thank you, Jeeves,' I smiled broadly. 'Now I have to start thinking about the cake And the guests And the suitable venue, what?'
'Undoubtedly, my Lord,' Jeeves smiled slightly. 'Allow me to help you with that.'
'Oh, by all means, Jeeves,' I smiled broadly And then frowned. 'But Jeeves, will you continue to be my valet if I marry Miss Windermere?'
'Of course, my Lord, as there is No danger of future Lady Yaxley dismissing me, I trust?'
'No, of course not, you know she respects you, Jeeves,' I smiled gently.
I put my pajamas on And went to bed smiling, thinking of Bunty's lovely Face And smile.
And naturally the next day was full of bally rannygazoo.
It started when I came downstairs after the breakfast And saw Tuppy And Angela sitting in chairs in the opposite corners of the drawing room And glaring daggers at each other. Oh No, not bally again, I thought.
'What ho, Angela old thing, Tuppy old man,' I greeted them jovially. They glared at me.
'Hello, Bertie,' Angela said coldly. 'Would you please tell Mr Glossop to quit staring at me like at a dish of spinach?'
'And tell Miss Travers, Bertie, not to treat me like a bally slug,' Tuppy added hotly.
'What, another of your lovers' tiffs?' I asked compassionately.
'It is NOT another of our 'tiffs', Bertie, this time it's final,' Angela said coldly. 'Mr Glossop said that I look like a pig in my new pink dress.'
'And Miss Travers said that I'm an insensitive brute And that I eat too much,' Tuppy added glaring at her.
I sighed deeply. Yes, it was the Same all over again. When will Tuppy learn, he's in his late thirties for Gods sake!
'Tuppy, be reasonable, you can't expect that a Lady will like to be called a pig,' I tried to reason with him.
'If she doesn't like to be called a pig then she shouldn't look like one,' Tuppy said, unmoved.
'Mr Glossop can go boil his head,' Angela said, belligerent.
I sighed. So much for an enjoyable walk with Bunty this morning, I had to reconcile these two...again. I turned on my heels ans went back to my room. I pressed the button of electrical bell, And Jeeves shimmered in. I sat down into a chair, putting my hands to my Face.
'Is something the matter, my Lord?' Jeeves asked compassionately.
'It's Mr Glossop And Miss Travers again, Jeeves,' I sighed deeply. 'They quarrelled again, And Angela says it's final.
'That is most disturbing, my Lord,' Jeeves stated.
'Tell me about it!' I said hotly. 'And how do we reconsider these loonies now?'
'I shall give the matter some consideration, my Lord,' Jeeves answered calmly.
'Do it, Jeeves, And I'll do what you say,' I sighed.
My mood was decidedly darker now, but I decided to go for a walk with Bunty all the Same, perhaps that will lighten my mood, such a ray of sunshine as my Bunty was. I went to ask Seppings where Bunty's room was. He said it was Green Room in the west wing. So I proceeded to search for my fiancée's room. I got into the west wing And looked for said Green Room. I found it at last And knocked on the door. To my horror, it was Madeleine née Bassett who opened the door.
'Oh, Bertie!' she sighed deeply. 'I knew that you pined after me, but I thought you we're happily engaged. Oh Bertie, you shouldn't have come here, I'm wed to another And you're betrothed. Return to your fiancée, Bertie, it's not right. She's a lovely girl, I'm sure she will help you forget me if you try enough.'
'Oh, er, quite right,' I said. 'I'll be going now, Madeleine.'
She smiled wistfully and closed the door. Now what the Dickens was that just now!? Was Aunt Dahlia's trusted majordomo losing his grip!? I stood by the door And looked at the brass sign again. And sure enough, it actually said, 'Little Green Room.' Now what the heck were those people doing, placing two Green Rooms in one wing!? I sighed, exasperated, And went to seek the not-little Green Room. Sure enough, I found it And knocked on the door, hoping I got it right this time. I did, thankfully, as it was Susie who opened the door.
'Good morning, Your Lordship, how can I help you?' she asked smiling gently.
'Er, Susie, would you tell Miss Windermere that I would like to invite her for a little walk before the dinner?'
'Oh of course, Your Lordship,' Susie smiled And closed the door.
I waited a bit. Soon enough the door opened, And Bunty appeared, positively ravishing in a short slick Green Gray cotton dress with pink dots, short sleeves with high shoulders, And front gathered in folds from a v neck to a sort of rounded wedge near the waist. On her head was a little black hat with roses And a short veil, on her little feet black high heeled shoes And on her hands short beige gloves with a golden chain like bracelet on the right hand.
'Hello, Bertie,' Bunty smiled gently.
'Oh my gosh, you look positively smashing, Bunty!' I said to her sincerely.
'Why thank you, Bertie dear,' Bunty smiled gently. I offered my hand to her, and we walked down the hall.
'Bunty, old thing, Tuppy And Angela got into a tiff again, this time Angela said it's final,' I sighed. 'But Jeeves said he will give it some thought.'
'That's good,' Bunty smiled gently.
'Yeah,' I smiled broadly. Truly Bunty's présence did wonders to my psyche. And so we went for a walk in the Brinkley Court gardens. I recalled shuddering how I was walking in these very gardens with Madeleine, then Bassett, And she thought I was proposing to her. Hairbreadth escape, that was, if anything. Now was decidedly different, I was walking in these gardens with my fiancée whom I loved dearly, And had No intention of leaving anytime soon. I smiled gently to Bunty. She smiled broadly to me.
Suddenly I heard an awful roar, 'Wooster!'. I trembled, I would recognize that voice anywhere. And sure enough, it was Spode, great as a mountain, his eyes blazing like Hell fires, sprinting at a speed about 60 miles per hour to me. I froze in my tracks, Bunty stopped too, holding my hand firmly ans looking anxiously at me.
'Wooster!' Spode roared shaking his enormous fists. 'What we're you doing in Madeleine's room!? You are engaged, she is wedded to me! Stop trying to seduce other people's wives, you libertine! I knew you still loved Madeleine and your 'engagement' was just a ruse! II'LL beat you to a jelly, Wooster, come here!'
At this point Bunty blanched And let go of my hand. 'Bertie, is what he says true!?'
'Of course it's bloody true! A parlourmaid saw him speaking to her as he was standing by her door! She heard something like, 'Bertie, I know you pined for me, but you shouldn't come, you're a engaged And I'm wed!' She instantly left And told other servants, And my valet told it to me! Now you won't escape my wrath, Wooster, come here!'
Bunty went red. 'Bertie, I thought you were a real gentleman! How mistaken I was! You're free of your engagement, I won't marry a cad!'
And she ran away flustered, leaving me one on one with Spode. Well, I didnt lose any time, I'm rather agile as a conséquence of playing sports, And I darted away instantly, running with all my might. I ran to my room And locked the door. There I collapsed into a chair And put my hands over my Face. Jeeves materialised instantly by my side And looked at me anxiously.
'Did something happen, my Lord? ' he asked gently.
'You bet it did,' I laughed bitterly. 'Spode wants to turn me into jelly again, And what's worse, Miss Windermere broke off the engagement.'
'How so, my Lord?' Jeeves asked me compassionately.
I proceeded to tell him about the awful mishap.
'So you see my predicament, Jeeves,' I finished sighing deeply. 'And what am I to do now!?'
Jeeves furrowed his brow.
'My Lord, Miss Windermere is a reasonable young Lady, And she knows how prone you are to get into unfortunate misunderstandings, she saved you from one, after all. If you had a chance to speak with her, I'm sure she'll understand.'
'But I can't get out of my room with Spode outside,' I pointed to him.
'My Lord, if you remind Lord Sidcup about Celia, I'm sure he shall desist,' Jeeves said gently.
'Oh, right,' I sighed with great relief. 'Jeeves, you are a lifesaver!'
'I endeavour to give satisfaction, my Lord,' Jeeves smiled with a corner of his mouth.
I rose resolutely, walked to the door And opened it with a flourish. I straightened And looked Spode right in the eye. 'Spode, if you won't desist, I remind you that I know everything about Celia.'
Spode diminished suddenly. 'Oh, I'm sorry, Wooster, I won't repeat it again,' he said meekly.
'Good,' I nodded And closed the door. 'Phew, now that's settled, I'll go fund Bunty And explain everything to her.'
Jeeves nodded smiling slightly.
I straightened my clothes And went to seek Bunty.
When I came to the drawing room I saw Bunty sitting there all despondent. I approached her. She glared daggers at me. I sighed deeply And prepared to explain everything to her. But at that moment Tuppy came into the drawing room. He came up to Bunty.
'Miss Windermere, you look so sad, can I help you somehow?' he asked.
'No, Mr Glossop, I don't think so,' Bunty said firmly.
'But Miss Windermere, if your heart is broken, so is mine, don't you think that we can get along well?' Tuppy continued stubbornly. 'Show them And so on?'
'No, Mr Glossop,' Bunty said firmly.
Well, this Glossop was like a billiard ball with some hair on it, And not the most polite of men, so I could understand her perfectly.
But Tuppy didn't take the hint. He sat on the coach near Bunty And took her hand. Bunty retracted her hand promptly. Then Tuppy tried to embrace her.
Well, I couldn't bear that. I sprung forwards promptly And smacked Tuppy's hands.
'Don't touch Miss Windermere, Glossop, didn't you hear that she doesn't want you!?' I said firmly.
Tuppy backed off, gobsmacked, And went away gruffily.
Bunty looked at me with starry eyes.
'Oh thank you, Bertie,' she said gently.
Her response invigorated me.
'Bunty, you should know that both that dashed maid And Spode are mistaken,' I said firmly. 'I was searching for your room And got to Madeleine's room by mistake, her room is Little Green Room. What the Hell are two Green Rooms doing so near each other, I wonder? So that Sidcup menace opened the door And proceeded with her usual drivel about me still loving her, And said I should go to my fiancée. Well, I said something like, 'Oh, er, right' And proceeded to search for your room, which I eventually found. That's all, Bunty! I swear!'
Bunty listened to me smiling gently And then looked at me with a broad smile.
'Oh, Bertie!' she said fondly. 'I should have known it was something like that. Forgive me for doubting you, Bertie, you're a real gentleman And so funny!'
'Does that mean that our engagement is on again?' I said cautiously.
'Oh of course, Bertie!' Bunty smiled radiantly. I leaned to her And kissed her ardently, And she answered me vigorously. We broke off our kiss only because I needed air.
'Oh, Bertie,' Bunty repeated fondly.
I smiled gently to her.
'This is not the first time that Tuppy looks the other way,' I sighed. 'But he's my cousin's fiancé.'
Bunty nodded sighing deeply.
'Some couples are like that, Bertie,' she admitted. 'But not us, I trust.'
'Never,' I said firmly. 'I would never ever look the other way, Bunty, it's just not preux.'
She nodded smiling.
'Jeeves promised to think of something,' I sighed. 'And he never fails.'
'I know,' Bunty smiled gently.
I took her hand And squeezed it gently, then embraced her. And Bunty certainly didn't show signs of rejecting this embrace, quite the contrary. And so we sat on the couch in tender embrace.
Suddenly a gentle cough startled us. I blushed deeply, And released Bunty from my embrace but didn't let go of her hand. Bunty smiled at me broadly. I recognised that cough, like a sheep clearing his throat on some distant mountain slope, of course, I would know it anywhere, anytime.
And sure enough, it was Jeeves, calm And perfectly neat looking, as always.
'I beg your pardon, my Lord, Miss Windermere,' Jeeves said delicately. 'Do I take it that you are reconciled?'
'Yes, Jeeves,' I said with a broad smile. Bunty nodded smiling broadly.
'Very good, my Lord, miss,' Jeeves said smiling with a corner of his mouth. 'If you allow, my Lord, I devised a plan to reconcile Mr Glossop ans Miss Travers also.'
'That's very good news, Jeeves!' I smiled broadly. Bunty nodded firmly.
'It's not without some risk for you, my Lord, as always,' Jeeves continued gently.
'I'm ready to take it for the happiness of my beloved cousin,' I sighed, shrugging my shoulders. Bunty looked at me fondly And a bit anxiously. I smiled bravely to her.
'Cough up, Jeeves, what is it?' I said resolutely.
'Well, my Lord, if you were to be drowning And Mr Glossop would rescue you, that would melt Miss Travers' heart towards him,' Jeeves said gently.
'But Tuppy knows I swim well And moreover, I slapped his hands just now so it's not likely that he'll throw himself to my rescue,' I pointed to him.
At this point Jeeves smiled as mischievously as he could with a corner of his mouth.
'That's the thing, my Lord,' he said calmly. 'If someone would push Mr Glossop into that pond And then someone would inform Miss Travers that you're drowning...'
I saw the beauty of his mastermind plan now.
'By Jove, Jeeves, that's pure genius!' I smiled broadly.
'Yeah,' Bunty smiled mischievously. 'And I know who will push that Glossop into the pond And who will inform Angela, And so do you, don't you?'
'Exactly, miss,' Jeeves smiled mischievously. 'And as His Lordship swims well, he's in No danger whatsoever.'
'I have No doubt of it,' Bunty smiled looking fondly at me. I smiled broadly at her.
'So, I'll go find that Glossop And say to him that I reconsidered my feelings for him, And lead him to the pond, And you two will wait in the bushes,' Bunty said firmly. 'Bertie dear, be careful!'
'I will, old thing,' I promised smiling fondly.
So later in the afternoon I was waiting in the Green bushes, with my faithful Jeeves by my side. We we're waiting patiently.
Bunty went to seek Mr Glossop smiling mischievously. Jeeves was really a genius! To return Mr Glossop to his fiancée And to punish him simultaneously, that was priceless! She had almost No doubt that her Bertie could swim well, he was such a sportsman, but she was just a teensy bit anxious for him. How could she ever doubt him! She knew some men in her past who seemed real gentlemen but truly weren't, And she was so shocked by Lord Sidcup's revelation, that she gave Bertie the boot. She should have known better, really, such gentle And chivalrous man would sooner get into some awful misunderstanding than to accost a married woman. And he defended her so bravely! When she came to Brinkley Court she knew she was in love with Bertram Wooster already. He was so handsome, so elegant, he was a true White Knight, And so funny, And a good sportsman And pianist to that! He defended her so bravely in front of that ghastly Aunt of his, And he was just about forty, it wasn't so much of a difference. And she was pretty sure he was in love with her too, he was like an open book for Gods sake! So when she came to Brinkley Court, she brought with her her best evening dress, the burgundy one with draped collar And full skirt, And some of her best jewellery, her pearls And her emerald earrings. And when Bertie came down for the dinner, she could plainly see he was stunned. Not that he didn't look dashing too, in his black tailcoat, black trousers And White starched shirt with black bowtie, all this accentuated his tall slender figure And went very well with his wavy auburn hair. And she wasn't in the least surprised when Bertie invited her for a walk in the garden after dinner. They talked about things like sports And mystery novels, which was great, she didn't like sentimental slush And neither did Bertie. But when they returned And we're on the steps of the Manor house, And said good night to each other, Bertie kissed her gently and timidly. She smiled that she won the heart of this meek And gentle Bachelor at last, And when he apologised for his kiss, she reminded him that they were already engaged. That heartened him, And he asked if their engagement wasn't fictive now. She confirmed this smiling, And parted with her sweet Fiancé for the night. But the next morning Mr Hildebrand Glossop, being a brute that he was, insulted Bertie's Cousin Angela, And she, sweet though she was, couldn't bear it, of course, And broke up with him. Bertie, of course, tried to reconcile them, but he wasn't the greatest mind in the universe, so he failed. Then Bertie asked her for a walk, And she gladly agreed, And the walk was sweet till that brute Lord Sidcup accosted Bertie with his accusation of courting his wife. Bunty heard from Bertie abput the ghastly couple, of course, but she was taken aback by this revelation, broke up with Bertie And went to a drawing room to sulk that she was so mistaken about him. But then Bertie came. She glared at him, fool that she was, but then Mr Glossop came And made his disgusting advances on her, And Bertie defended her And then explained to her that it was all a huge misunderstanding such as he was prone to get into. She accepted his explanation with great relief And when he asked if their engagement was back on, she answered that of course it was, And he kissed her fervently this time, which she gladly returned, then Bertie embraced her, And they stayed in each other's embrace when Jeeves came with his wonderful plan. She had to smile at the sheer genius of it, to reconcile Mr Glossop with Angela And to punish him at once! Bunty came into the Manor house And went in search of Mr Glossop. She found him in the drawing room, sulking alone.
'Mr Glossop, I thought about your words, And I agree,' she smiled broadly. 'Let's show them!'
'Really!?' Mr Glossop stared at her.
'Yeah. Fancy a walk in the park?' She smiled broadly.
'Oh of course!' Mr Glossop said hotly.
'All right, let's go then,' Bunty smiled broadly.
They walked in the park, And Bunty was forced to listen how Angela was cold And heartless And how Bunty was so understanding and compassionate. Not by a long shot, she smirked inwardly. They came to the Brinkley Court lake, really more of a pond, And she led Mr Glossop to the shore near the bushes where her Bertie And Jeeves we're hiding.
'Look at that lovely willow, Mr Glossop,' she smiled broadly.
'Where?' Mr Glossop leaned forward. And at this point Bunty gave him a strong shove, he fell into the water. At this point Bertie darted out of the bushes, jumped into the pool And splashed about v violently. Mr Glossop splashed around too. At this point Jeeves darted out of the bushes towards the Manor house, which was not far from the pond. Bunty stood on the shore watching how Bertie swam to Mr Glossop And gripped at him with pretended panic. Mr Glossop blinked And swam to the shore. At this point Mrs Travers And Angela appeared on the shore, accompanied by Jeeves. By that time Bertie And Mr Glossop swam tright to the shore, And Bertie leaned on Mr Glossop, faithful to his role. Both were thoroughly wet, of course, water dripping from Bertie's wet dark hair, light Green tweed suit And yellow knit vest. Bunty, pretending to be panicked, ran to Bertie at once.
'Oh Bertie! You're all wet! Poor lamb!' she cried. 'Mr Glossop, thank you so much for saving my fiancé, he can be so awkward sometimes!'
'Oh, er, right,' Mr Glossop managed to say.
'Hildebrand, you saved poor Bertie from drowning!? Thank you very much!' Angela cried And, darting to Mr Glossop, embraced him. Bertie by that time unattached himself from Mr Glossop And sat on the grass, blinking. Bunty embraced her Bertie And kissed his hair ans Face. Bertie smiled rto her broadly.
'Let's go to the house, Hildebrand, you are awfully wet,' Angela said, kissing And embracing Mr Glossop, And led him to the Manor house, still dazed.
'You managed to fall into the lake, young blot?' Mrs Travers boomed. 'Awkward as always, I see!'
'Er, Yes, Aunt Dahlia,' her meek White Knight said gently.
'Bertie, let's go to the house,' Bunty said gently, helping her Fiancé to get up.
'Thanks awfully, old thing,' he smiled broadly And embraced her. She led him to the Manor house, Jeeves following them like a shadow.
'Well, old thing, have to change, what? These are all wet,' Bertie smiled broadly.
'Of course, Bertie dear,' Bunty smiled gently And let Jeeves to lead her Fiancé to his room.
I sat, wrapped in a warm fluffy towel, And with my feet in a hot foot bath. I sighed, content.
'So, this went well, what, Jeeves?' I smiled broadly.
'Certainly, my Lord,' Jeeves smiled slightly.
'That chump Tuppy is reconciled with Angela, And I'm dry And have my lovely fiancée,' I continued.
'Yes, my Lord,' Jeeves smiled slightly.
'Snail's on the wing, lark's on the thorn, or rather více versa, what?'
'Yes, my Lord,' Jeeves smiled slightly.
'I have a whole life in front of me with Bunty, that's wonderful,' I smiled broadly.
'Precisely, my Lord,' Jeeves smiled slightly.
'I'll take her punting on the lake later, what?' I smiled dreamily.
'That's a good idea, my Lord,' Jeeves smiled slightly.
'I'm glad you approve, Jeeves,' I smiled.
Jeeves smiled with a corner of his mouth.
I donned a light brown tweed suit with an orange knit vest And a light Green tie, with Jeeves' help, of course, And went to seek Bunty. I found her in the little drawing room, she was sitting in an armchair, reading And smiling.
'What ho, Bunty,' I smiled broadly.
'Hello, Bertie dear,' she smiled broadly lifting her Gaze from the book.
'How about a spot of punting on the lake?' I smiled broadly.
'Oh of course, Bertie, if you haven't enough of that pond for today,' Bunty smiled mischievously.
'Well, I will be punting not swimming this time,' I grinned. 'I punted at Oxford so I know how to do it, don't worry, old thing!'
'Good then,' Bunty grinned And rose. I offered my hand to her gallantly, And she accepted it. We walked outside. I led her to the shore where the punt was, helped Bunty to alight into it And then jumped into it himself And started to move the pole, pushing us away from the shore. The lake was clear, the bushes around lush Green, And Bunty was so lovely with her broad smile. I rowed lazily.
''Bunty, but you will really take my name, right?' I asked a bit anxiously. I was pretty sure she was joking then at the dinner, but still, I wanted my beloved wife to bear my name.
'Oh of course, Bertie, I'm not superstitious at all,' she laughed.
'Good, neither am I,' I grinned.
'Bertie, by the way, how old are you?' Bunty asked curiously.
'Thirty-nine, why?' I frowned.
'And I'm twenty-eight,' Bunty grinned. 'So you are only eleven years older than me, that's good.'
'Yeah,' I smiled broadly. 'It's not like it's May And December, what?'
'Not at all, more like May And June,' Bunty grinned.
I nodded smiling broadly.
'Bertie, And where that 'Yaxley' comes from, do you have land somewhere?' Bunty asked curiously.
'Yaxley Manor in a village called Yaxley in Suffolk,' I supplied. 'I don't come there often, I have a manager there who takes care of everything.'
'I would like to visit it with you, Bertie,' Bunty smiled dreamily.
'Oh, by all means, old thing,' I grinned. 'There's a lovely church in there, a nice pub called Cherry Tree, another lovely old house called Yaxley Hall And another one called Bull House, And Yaxley Manor, it's all dark wood panelling, timber And carving, very nice.'
Bunty nodded smiling broadly.
'We could drive from London someday,' I continued dreamily. 'Suffolk is a fine country.'
Bunty nodded smiling broadly.
'Bertie, but you'll have to tell my folks that our engagement isn't fictive now,' she mused.
'Oh, really!' I said, a bit flustered. 'I haven't thought of that! That's like asking for your hand in marriage!'
'Bertie, they like you,' Bunty smiled broadly. 'They know that you're a real gentleman, that you're rich, what else can they ask for?'
'Oh, right,' I said reassured. 'And you'll be with me, old thing, what?'
'That's right,' Bunty smiled broadly.
When we returned to the Manor house, holding hands tenderly, we found Tuppy And Angela sitting on the couch in the drawing room side by side, laughing And cooing like doves to each other. I smiled looking at them, Jeeves' plan worked splendidly as always. They looked at us smiling broadly.
'Oh, Hello Bertie old man,' Tuppy grinned. 'We're good again as you see.'
'Hello Bertie,' Angela smiled sweetly.
'What ho, young Tuppy, young Angela,' I smiled broadly. 'I'm glad that you're reconciled.'
But I threw a meaningful glance at Tuppy saying, 'If you ever touch my fiancée again, Tuppy, I'll turn you inside out, you know!'
Tuppy caught my glance, recognised it And nodded briefly. I grinned at him. Bunty And me left the drawing room. We went to another drawing room And sat on a couch there. I leaned to Bunty And kissed her gently, she answered me tenderly. I embraced her tenderly, she returned my embrace.
Suddenly I heard the familiar gentle cough in near vicinity. I released Bunty, blushing, but didn't let go of her hand.
'Yes, what is it, Jeeves?' I asked gently.
'If you allow, my Lord, that saying Lady Sidcup spoke about, it comes from Scotland And Northern Counties. How it got to the rest of Britain I don't know, but a gentleman from Worcestershire and a Lady from Gloucestershire certainly wouldn't come under it's jurisdiction even if it was true,' Jeeves said smiling with a corner of his mouth.
'Well, I don't believe in bad omens, only in good ones,' Bunty smiled broadly.
'Same here, old thing,' I grinned.