Ranma 1/2 Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] 'Two Worlds: Discovering Good Hearts' ❯ Chapter 1

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
(And give yourself a severe case of eyestrain)

(The future isn't what it used to be...)



(A Ranma 1/2 MSTing)

MSTed From the Desks of Megane 6.7 and Zoogz
(megane67@rogers.com) (zoogz@yahoo.com)

This is a MSTing of a work of fiction created by another author.
Use of copyrighted and trademarked material is for entertainment
purposes only; no infringement on the original copyrights or
trademarks held by Best Brains, Inc. is intended or should be

Any random mention of certain anime characters, song titles, etc.
are the property of their respected creators/distributors/etc.
Just covering our collective asses here folks...

"Two Worlds: Discovering Good Hearts" is the property of
demonsofdoom. We attempted to contact her by e-mail but there
was no reply and we sincerely hope she doesn't take offence to
this MSTing of her work. It's all meant in good fun. ;p

Warning: This MSTing is rated PG-13 for violence and
mature content.

* * *


The leaders of the world stood humbly in a row outside the
building, their faces showing utter defeat and despair at their
current predicament. Yet, there was no help for it as a long
stretch limo pulled up to the curb and the chauffeur, a stout
fellow with curly white hair, proudly walked over to the
passenger's side and opened the door for the man they had all
come to respect and fear.

A lanky gentleman emerged from the limo, clad in a black suit
with a lime green dress cape billowing in the wind... produced by
a box fan the chauffeur struggled to carry in his arms as he
followed behind the lanky gentleman as he arrogantly strolled
towards his destiny.

The President of the United States had a grim expression on
his face as he extended his hand to shake to his new boss, only to
be shunned as the lanky gentleman rushed past him as if he didn't
exist and quickly walked up some steps and strolled over to a
podium where dozens of microphones were set up and stood in front
of it.

The gentleman looked over the enormous crowd of people
gathered on the lawn and smirked. Once, he was among them, just
another wasted face in a wasted space, but now he was better than
them. He was their ruler, their emperor, their God. They
wouldn't have him to kick around anymore. It was high time he
did some kicking of his own. Taking a moment to retrieve some
note cards from the pocket of his jacket, he addressed the masses.

"Citizens of the world... My name is Dr. Clayton Forrester and
as of this moment, I rule you all. You may refer to me with
whichever title or style you feel most comfortable addressing me as
long as it reflects the respect and admiration I demand from each
and every one of my serfs. I accept all major forms of
sacrifice and worship in my name but please... no bodies on my
doorstep, I'll have all I need for my experiments soon enough.
Donations will also not be necessary as I will simply be stealing
from the rich and giving to the ME."

"Failure to comply with any and all edicts issued by me will
result in another global viewing of... 'THE FANFIC'! Dr. Forrester
exclaimed as he reached into his coat pocket and yanked out a
handful of papers, waving them around menacingly in front of him.
The screams of utter horror and fear swept over the crowd like a
tsunami as they covered their faces, trembling in unbridled terror.
The mad scientist simply grinned at their reaction.

"That's right... you with your armed forces, your network of
spies, your weapons of mass destruction... brought down by the
insane ramblings of a single fanfic writer! I, Dr. Clayton
Forrester, have achieved the ultimate hat trick of a CULTURAL,
SCIENTIFIC and DOMINATION VICTORY in one brilliant stroke! And I
didn't need a religion, a wonder of a world or even a single
frigging settler to do it! BWAHAHAHAHA!!!"

Dr. Forrester took a deep breath and lifted his glasses for a
moment to wipe away a tear. "Ah yes, it's been a difficult time
for me these past few years but thankfully all the long hours and
toil were well worth it. I have a few people I'd like to
thank for making my world conquest possible... my mother, Pearl,
for not holding too much of a grudge when the abortion
failed... my colleagues in the field of Mad Science, who inspired
me to aim high... FYI, I am smarter than every single one of
you...! *ahem* Kim Cattrall, for keeping me warm on many a cold
lonely night... and finally, my loyal friend and the best test
subject a scientist could ever ask for... TV's Frank, I dedicate
this victory to you!

TV's Frank had tears in his eyes as he warmly embraced his
boss for a few moments before Dr. Forrester shook him off.
'Alright, alright, that's enough touchy feely crap, Frank! Back
to business!" Dr. Forrester snapped as he turned his attention
back to the masses.

"Now that I hold dominion over this Earth, there's going to be
a whole buttload of changes around here! Let's start with today...
'Iron Chef'. As of this moment, I'm taking the American version
off the air permanently and demanding the original Japanese version
be put back into operation and broadcast on the Food Network ASAP!
I will provide whatever funding is necessary to accomplish this,
but make it happen! Also, Chef Bobby Flay is to be detained and
prepared for public flogging, air dates to be determined."

"Next, I want it known that I firmly believe in the
separation of church and state... therefore all religious
buildings of any and all faiths around the world are to be
shut down completely and their profits are hereby forfeit
to me, cause there's only room for one faith in this world
now and it's me, myself and I! You had your fun, now go away
and invent something cause SCIENCE is king now slim, oh yeah,
can I get an uh-huh, Frank?"

"Uh-huh!" Frank bobbed around and snapped his fingers
several times before abruptly catching himself as he noticed
the crowd staring at him. Meanwhile, Dr. Forrester continued.

"Let's see, what else... ah yes, all salaries paid to
women must be at least equal to her male counterpart if they
are doing the same job. Also, the penalty for sexual
harassment of a woman will now include a mandatory minimum
prison sentence of five years. In exchange for these benefits,
all ladies will treat me with NOTHING LESS than total admiration
and show me unconditional love and on occasion, unbridled
enthusiasm in more intimate settings when requested. In other
words, I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine, llllladies..."
Dr. Forrester remarked slyly while waggling his eyebrows.

"Ladies night... EVERY night." Frank added with a wink.

"That's right, Frank. And finally..."

"And remember ladies, I'm just like Jello, there's always
room for me too." Frank interrupted.

"THANK YOU, Frank!" Dr. Forrester snapped at him before
continuing. "As I was saying, finally on the agenda today, we have
the matter of the old leaders standing here before you..."

The leaders of the world shared a collective gulp as they all
turned to face their new oppressor.

"Oh, I suppose I could simply delegate them to work for me,
doing the same jobs as before only in service to me now, save me
the headache of hiring new people and training them on the job,
but let's face it, I only work well with a chosen few and I trust
even less. Sooo, I'm just gonna fry you all like a pork sausage.
Push the button, Frank..."

"Jawohl, Lord Helmet!" Frank snapped to attention as he raced
over to a nearby control panel with a single large red button with
the disclaimer 'Danger! Death Ray'.

"Wait please! Show us some mercy!" The president of the
United States pleaded, falling to his knees and groveling at the
mad scientist's feet, the others quickly following suit. However,
Dr. Forrester was unmoved as he growled.

"Would you prefer... the FANFIC?"

"NO!!! Death ray! We'll take the death ray!" The President
immediately leapt to his feet and he and the other leaders of the
world formed an orderly line in front of TV's Frank who shrugged
as he pushed the button and a blue beam emerged from the sky to
slowly vaporize the leaders one by one.

"Geez, that is one slow death ray." Dr. Forrester yawned
as he watched the President finally finish vaporizing after a
minute or so. As the beam worked on its second victim, he
couldn't stop himself from yawning again and he felt the world
begin to slip away.

"Maybe I should've... used the fanfic... after all..."

* * *


"Frank, what's going on!? We're losing it! How can I be
getting sleepy in a dream!?" Dr. Forrester growled as the image
on the TV suddenly faded to white to be replaced by a menu screen
with four familiar icons...

"I'm not sur... OHHH, I know why! We didn't touch the
controller for the last ten minutes so the Dreamercast went into
'sleep mode'. Uh, sorry?" Frank replied with a sheepish
expression on his face.

"Oh great, so you're telling me someone has to be awake to
fiddle with the controller every ten minutes to keep the dream
going?" An annoyed Dr. Forrester snapped.

"Hmm, I know! We'll require the machine to be hooked up
to an internet connection twenty-four hours a day so it's
constantly downloading data and won't enter sleep mode! And to
be safe, we'll include a peripheral with a camera to keep
constant watch on them so we'll know when they've been sleeping
and when they're awake!"

"Frank, it's 2014, not 1984! Be serious!" Dr. Forrester
growled as he rose to his feet and faced the viewscreen. "Well,
Joel, the Dreamercast may not be ready for QA yet but rest
assured, I'm always thinking ahead! And I have to say, I
looked damn good ruling the world! Remind me to buy a cape
next time we're at the mall, Frank."

"Whatever you say, Supes." Frank muttered.

"Anyway, what'da got for us this week, Joel-Boy?"

* * *


Joel Robinson stood behind the counter on the bridge and
placed what appeared to be an old fashioned UHF television dial
on top of it. He was surrounded by his robot friends, Gypsy,
Tom Servo and Crow T. Robot.

"Well sirs, the holidays are over which means a lot of
people are going back on their diets, hoping this will be the
year it finally sticks..."

"Or at least long enough to land yourself a date or
three." Crow added.

"But for those of us who just aren't ready to make that
commitment yet, I've invented this, a knob that can control
your sense of weight!" Joel explained as he placed the knob
on his chest and fiddled with it.

"Why go through the trouble of losing weight when you
can feel weightless! Just like me! Whee!" Tom exclaimed as
he spun around with his hoverskirt.

"Yeah, I got the idea from Tom Servo, this knob uses
similar principles as Zero Gee training but compartmentalized into
a... well, it's kinda complicated actually. Let's just say it
can't change your physical appearance but it gives you the
sensation of being lighter and puts less physical stress on
your body."

Yes, for days where you can feel the weight of the world
around your shoulders, back, waist, feet, etc, now you can
take several loads off with this knob!" Tom continued.

"At least until you're ready to put down the fork and
pick up the pace on a treadmill." Crow added.

"What'da think, sirs?"

* * *


"I think 'Hunza Diet Bread' has more credibility than that
pitiful effort!" Dr. Forrester chuckled before assuming a serious

"As you know, Joel, New Years has come and gone, but should
old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? I say...
HELL NO! Which is why your first experiment of the new year
revisits old acquaintances from the Ranma 1/2 universe in a TV
movie of the week gone HORRIBLY wrong! Blood! Beatings!
Berating! And great heaping spoonfuls of BULLSHIT! Pardon
my French." Dr. Forrester held the fanfic up to the
viewscreen before handing it to Frank.

"Yes, it's not one, but 'Two Worlds Discovering Good Hearts',
the first and ONLY part in a never completed series with English
that's broken... badly. Choke on it, Shortbread. Send 'em the
fanfic, Frank, I'm treating myself to some Christmas leftovers..."
Dr. Forrester marched off towards the direction of the kitchen.

"Hey, I already called dibs on that nog!" Frank replied as
he fed the fanfic into the console and hurried after him.

* * *


"Hmph, he didn't like my invention, and he didn't even
bother including me in his dream of world conquest. I guess
if he ever breaks me, I'll just be tossed aside like an old
shoe, huh?" Joel pouted.

"Well, what did you expect, a statue? Birds would crap
on it, and people would be pissed off and graffiti it because
your mind snapped like the waistband of a pair of tighty whities
on a fat man's butt," Crow remarked.

"Besides, people keep their shoes for YEARS, sometimes they
wear them right down to the nub before they finally throw them
away. You've got time to spare!" Tom added.

"Gee, thanks, I feel better already." Joel replied as
multicolored lights flashed and alarms began to wail. "Ohh,
we've got FANFIC SIGN!!"

(Door 6: It's a metal door with no knob. Before you can do
anything, it's yanked off its hinges from the other side by
a tow truck.)

(Door 5: It's an old fashioned elevator. Both sets of doors open
for you as you pass through.)

(Door 4: It's made of dominoes. You tip the lead one over and
watch as the pile slowly lowers until it's half its original size
and you step over it.)

(Door 3: It's filled with cute stuffed toys. You cuddle them for
awhile before proceeding.)

(Door 2. It's solid black marble. An Ankh floats from behind you
and touches the door. The door vanishes.)

(Door 1: It's a castle gate that rises into the ceiling, revealing
a drawbridge that slowly lowers to the ground. You cross it
cautiously, looking for moat monsters.)

Joel emerged from the vortex into the theater with Tom in his
arms, Crow emerging a moment later and following close behind.
Stepping over the air grate that prevented Tom from entering the
theater on his own, Joel placed him down on one of the theater
seats and sat next to him, Crow sitting on his right.

>Two Worlds: Discovering Good Hearts

Tom: Aww, it's a heartwarming tale of organ harvesting.

>Akane makes Shampoo a favor.

Joel: <Akane> Your partygoers will LOVE this one, it's got confetti,
sparkles, and a little cut-out My Little Pony!

>My English's not perfect…so betta readers would be oh so welcome!

Tom: Betta writers would be helpful too.

Crow: Eh, she'll get betta with thyme.

>Not my property

Joel: Not my lawn but step off anyway!

Tom: So this fanfic belongs to the USC?

>It was like some crazy dream. They had being fighting. It had
>being one of those fights they always had: a punch and a kick
>and some yanking of hair.

Crow: Our story begins in the 3rd grade.

Tom: Oh, I had no idea that we were watching 'Kardashian 1/2'.

>No one had ever get hurt, so why should any of them had to ever
>imagined that that time there would be consequences.

Crow: Two reddened backsides and some time in the corner later,
they had learned their lesson.

>As Kasumi said afterwards- in one of her infrequent, soft and
>weird comments-

Joel: <Kasumi> I like mittens!

>getting used to violence was dangerous. She was right and everyone
>agreed with her, of course.

Tom: Until she learned the power of a solid bat from Bruce Willis.

>But it was too late. Shampoo already laid in bed with a sliced

Crow: <Shampoo> Damn bedbugs.

Tom: So this is a crossover with 'Nightmare on Elm Street'?

>Ranma was blaming himself as they sat in the waiting room of the
>ER awaiting any news on her condition.

Crow: <Doctor> Congratulations! You're a dad!

Joel: <Ranma> But I haven't slept with her!

Crow: <Doctor> Awkward.

>Ukyo was playing tough and uncaring rival that had just won

Tom: <Ukyo> I sliced her fair and square!

Joel: And this is different from her usual "frenemy" role how?

>but it was a painfully obvious attempt to hide her fear and horror
>at what she had done.

Tom: <Ukyo> Okay look, I'll give her a free dinner for two and
we'll call it even, okay?

Joel: What is she trying to do, give Shampoo a stomach window,
or an Academy Award nomination?

Crow: Yeah, Ukyo, this is light-comedy maiming, not dramatic

>Akane was silently sitting next to her. She agreed with Ranma. He
>should have stopped the fight.

Joel: <Akane> First Apollo Creed and now this... wow, does
your timing suck or what?

>He should have put an end to all this fiancees idiocy a long
>time ago.

Tom: Well, he'll get around to it, once he cleans out the
garage first. Priorities, man.

Crow: Ranma decided to solve the problem with a splash of cold
water, a minor rap star to make a sex tape with and signing a
lucrative contract with E!

>And even though, deep down, she knew it hadn't being Ukyo's fault
>at all, she was still shaken by the experience and couldn't get
>herself to console the chef.

Joel: <Akane> Umm... here, I've got a pack of mints in my bag
here... want a peppermint or a wintergreen?

Tom: <Ukyo> Hey, come on, how many times has Shampoo tried to
kill Ranma in the past and... what's that? Take your continuity
and shove it where? Hmph!

>Shampoo had started it. If she didnt, Kodachi probably would have
>had, but for some reason, no one took Kodachi seriously.

Crow: Kodachi is the Fozzie Bear of Ranma 1/2.

>Shampoo made the mistake of turning her back on her, maybe too
>confident Kodachi was on her side or maybe she was too angry to
>think straight…

Tom: Or maybe for the convenience of the plot... naaah!

>maybe she hadn't even seen the Dark Rose as she ran towards Ukyo
>from the distance.

Joel: <Kodachi> Like my color palette swap? Now I'm even

>Either way, as the Amazon Girl and Ukyo readied their weapons to
>block each other out, a ribbon flew towards them and wrapped
>around Shampoo's ankle, tripping her.

Crow: Ooh, couldn't we get some CSI-flavored CGI to run us
through the sequence of events?

Joel: Well, it looks like somebody... (puts on a pair of
sunglasses)... fell for the wrong girl.


>She swayed her weapon clumsily, and Ukyo, already committed to the
>blow, could only cry out in horror and surprise at the unexpected

Crow: Doesn't sound that committed to me.

Tom: <Ukyo, horrified> Ohmigod! Your defences are down! I'm
going to...HIT YOUUUU?!?

>Blood sprayed off of Shampoo like water from a popped pipe

Joel: Quick! Hook her up to the machine that goes PING!

Crow: <Ukyo> Oh no, she's bleeding and... oh, she's done. Wow,
really gushed out of there, didn't it? *woosh woosh* Bone dry.

>the spatula running cleanly from below her breasts to her hips
>and finally clanging heavenly on the bloody ground.

Joel: <singing> Evvvv-ree-body hurrrrrts... some-times...

Crow: I don't know whether to be horrified... or horny.

>Kodachi didn't see…or didn't care.

Tom: Kodachi just wants to get paid.

Joel: <Kodachi> And not in check. We agreed with cash.

>But before she could yanked the toppling amazon off the ground,
>Ranma cut the ribbon with a clear kick as it tensed up

Crow: Ranma Saotome, finer than our German knives!?

>while a stunned and paled Ukyo helped Shampoo down to her knees.

Tom: <Ukyo, hissing> If anyone asks, you just committed
seppuku, GOT IT?

Crow: <Shampoo> But Shampoo Chines...!

Tom: <Ukyo> Ranma, stuff a sushi roll in her mouth.

Crow: <Shampoo> Mmmmph!

>"You…you kill I."
>"No! No…!"

Tom: <Ukyo> See, all you have to do is slide those intestines
right...back... in there, like that... now, get some duct tape.

Joel: <Shampoo> Duct what? Stupid Mousse no here!

Tom: <Ukyo> Aww, shit sugar, no duct tape or crazy glue? Got
any rubber cement? Maybe eat some paste?

Crow: <Ranma> Buy a vowel! Oh, I'm sorry, I just wanted to

>"She tripped! I didn't meant to! I…we…it was a fight…I…!"

Tom: <Ukyo> Oh, screw this. I want a lawyer.

>"Great…great grandmother…take revenge….She…be sliding….your
>Ukyo swallowed hard at that and her face turned to a purplish
>color. They all kind of did.

Joel: Cologne's great revenge? Giving them all Willy Wonka's
Three Course Dinner Chewing Gum.

>Fortunately, both Cologne and Mousse were gone for some special
>trip to China-something about Mousse's mother being sick and the
>possibility she had the plague.

Tom: Ah, she has the cold of contrivance.

Crow: Or the plague of ploy.

Joel: Just dunk her in a spring and then you can make like eight
more of her.

>It did remove the preoccupation of a sadistic or violent
>vengeance..even though they really hoped Mousse's mom was alright.

Joel: Shampoo... oh well. Mousse's mom.... EMERGENCY.

Crow: I'm trying to imagine a sadistic vengeance without
using violence... hmm... forcing her to watch a twenty-four hour
marathon of 'According to Jim'?

Tom: Nah, I think that's officially a war crime now.

>Akane turned to look at Ukyo as the chef placed her face between
>trembling hands and rubbed her eyes.

Tom: <Ukyo> Sugar, they're here... and they like the anal probes.

Joel: <Akane> Aliens?

Tom: <Ukyo> Lemon writers. *shudder*

>She swallowed and forced herself to place a gentle hand on the
>distressed girl's shoulder.

Joel: <Akane, straining> There... There. Whew, I did it!

Crow: <Akane> If I just apply the right pressure, she'll drop
like a stone.

Tom: Gentle pressure. Gentle pressure.

>Ranma wasn't even looking at her. And it really hadn't being
>her fault.

Crow: <Ranma> Huh? What? You say something, Ucchan?


>"She's gonna be alright, you'll see."
>"I didn't mean to do that. I…I didn't even think the spatula was
that sharp…I…"

Crow: <Ukyo> The safety was on, I swear!

Tom: She was the pride of the Amazons, right? Brought low by
a kitchen utensil?

>"It…it wasn't your fault. It was an accident. Accidents'll

Crow: <Akane, shaking head> Why don't they look?

>Ranma swallowed, took in a deep breath and straightened on his
>chair. Ukyo had turned to look at him in obvious distress. He
>finally nodded curtly.

Joel: <Ranma> You'll be doing hard time, Ucchan.

Crow: <Ranma> See this chair, there's one in your future too.

>"It was a fight. There's always the possibility of someone getting
>hurt…" He finally faced her, and gave her a sad smile. "This
>stuff'll happen."

Tom: <Akane> He's right, you should've seen Ranma when I cut
loose with a cheese grater...

Crow: <Ranma> Yeah, but I'm much CHEDDAR now!

Tom: <Akane> Ha ha ha, that's my Ranma!

>Ukyo nodded. Akane stared at the exchange and felt a familiar pang
>of inferiority. She had trained as a warrior…always in the
>security of the Dojo, under the tutelage of a loving father.

Tom: The hell? We watching 'Mulan' now?

Joel: Because Shampoo didn't have a father, Ukyo spilled her guts
on the pavement?

Crow: Makes perfect sense.

>Ranma and Ukyo had to suffer through the harshness of the outside
>world and had being forged by it.

Crow: Oh, okay. Akane thinks that it's society's fault that Ukyo
shivved Shampoo.

Joel & Tom: Ranma & Ukyo, singing> We've been spending most our
lives, living in a gangster's paradise....!

Crow: <Akane> Laying it on a bit thick, aren't we?

>It was strangely unnerving how after that small exchange, they
>both seemed to feel much better about that horrible incident.

Tom: <Ukyo> I feel great! Race you to McDonalds!

Joel: <Ranma> You're on!

>"Saotome Ranma…?" A nurse called from the room where Shampoo was
>being attended.

Tom: <Ukyo> "Ukyo..." Oh, sorry, thought it was my turn.

Crow: <Nurse> My patient just turned into a cat. I'm taking
my break now.

>The busty Chinese amazon, usually irradiating youthful exuberance
>laid still and spent on a hospital bed, covered by a white sheet.

Tom: <Ukyo> Here, I'll even sign your bandage, let me find my
fountain pen... "Love, Ucchan"... aww dang, it tore through the
bandage and... oops, right into the duodenum, that's okay. Cheer
up, you're already in a hospital... Nurse? NURSE!! C'mere!

>Her skin was pale and there were dark circles under her half
>opened eyes.

Crow: Hey now, just because you were stabbed is no excuse to
neglect your beauty sleep!

Tom: <Akane> So that's what you look like without makeup!

>Ranma grabbed a lax cold hand between his own. Akane felt another
>pang, this time of jealousy.

Joel: But Akane held her temper in check, lest Ranma end up
sharing the same hospital bed as Shampoo.

>It was a felling apparently mirrored by the tense Ukyo,

Tom: <Ukyo> Looks like SOMEBODY didn't get the message the
first time! *shing* *slice*

>but they both forced themselves to calm down. This time…they
>would allow it.

Joel: <Akane> What's next, Romeo? Brushing her hair out of
her eyes? You make me SICK!

>"…Me be dying…" Shampoo whispered brokenly.
>"Dont be silly. You'll be okay."

Tom: <Shampoo, whispering> Hey, how often do I get a death
scene? Just play along already!

Crow: <Ranma, singing> Don't worry, be happy now! Woo woo
woo... woo?

Tom: <Shampoo> Get out.

>"…Me be dying…me feel…weak…" She blinked owlishly. Ranma just
>held her hand.

Joel: <Akane> She's dying! Do something, Ranma!

Crow: <Ranma> I'll try squeezing her hand tighter... damn it,
it's not working!

Tom: <Dr. House> Told you it wasn't lupus, Foreman.

>"I'm here."
>"…Wo da ai len…you care for great-grandmother…and for stupid

Crow: <Ranma> Forget it, I'm not holding hands with them!

>She closed her hand on his, tears swelling on her eyes.
>"...you give last word to obaaba…"

Crow: <Ranma> Which word?

Tom: <Shampoo> H-Haggis... *gack*

>"Just hang in there, Shampoo…You'll be alright"

Joel: Anyone else realize the irony of quoting a famous
motivation poster involving a cat for Shampoo?

>Ranma winced when she started coughing tiredly, whimpering.

Crow: <Ranma> Eww, did you just eat fish?

Tom: Ukyo must've hit a lung.

>"…Ranma…" She wheezed. "…wo da ai len…hear…"
>"Tell me…"

Tom: <Ranma> This isn't a soap opera, you don't have to stretch
this storyline out for another eight months, Shampoo...

Joel: She's holding out for Dr. Oz.

>He finally leaned forward, his sadness and concern clear on his
>"…tell great…great…waipo…to kill with much pain Spatula Girl…"

Crow: <Ranma> How much pain?

Tom: <Shampoo> Eh, nothing medieval, but feel free to
be creative.

>Ukyo glared at her but gasped in fear and concern when Shampoo's
>eyes closed and her head lolled to one side.

Joel: <Ukyo> Fear! And concern!

>"Shampoo!" Ranma leaned in closer, almost touching her face.

Joel: <Ranma> I'm very nearly concerned enough to touch you
now but... not... quite...!

Crow: If he leans any farther, he'll be in her mouth.

>They all stiffened when the dead amazon turned her head to
>plant her lips on Ranma's…

Crow: Told ya.

Joel: When Ranma woke up this morning, he never figured
he'd be first basin' it with a corpse.

Tom: The Shampoo Virus... Umbrella's greatest triumph.

>he couldn't help but notice her lips where anything but cold.
>She seemed to get more comfortable on their position, sliding
>her arms up around his neck.

Crow: <Shampoo> I'm not dead yet...

Joel: <Akane> That's what YOU think! <cracks knuckles>

Tom: <Ukyo> Succubus! She must die!

>"Mr Saotome, the patient's still under the effect of a sedative"
>Dr Ramen rebuked as he entered the small room. "Please, don't do

Tom: <Dr. Ramen> Nurse Udon, please call security.

>Ranma finally managed to pull away, with the help of Akane
>janking him roughly back by his pig-tail.

Joel: Janking him? Did Coach Z write this fic?

Crow: This is the Swedish dub, isn't it?

Joel: Nah, not enough bork for a Swedish dub.

>A half asleep Shampoo licked her lips, a horny blush giving some
>color back to her cheeks.

Tom: Unfortunately, that color was Razzmatazz.

>Ukyo turned, muttering under her breath something about having
>better things to do, and left.

Tom: <Ukyo> I'm gonna cook okonomiyaki... cause apparently
that's what I do. Geez, I need a new hobby...

>They were eating in silence. It felt somewhat wrong to leave
>Shampoo alone in the Hospital.

Joel: <Akane> We can visit her grave later, then you'll
only have to buy one set of flowers!

Crow: <Ranma> Awesome.

>Ranma, however, after making sure she was going to be alright,
>had felt no longer the obligation to be at her side. And if he
>didn't, Akane certainly shouldn't feel the need either. She was
>feeling a bit bad about it, though.

Crow: Meanwhile, Ukyo was changing cabs for the fourth time
that day, desperately trying to lose her many tails of vengeful
Amazon bounty hunters...

Joel: <Akane> I could go for a slice, and I don't mean a
spatula! Ha ha ha!

Tom: And... roll credits.

>Her sympathy was destined to turn into anger as soon as the voice
>of the chiness amazon was heard.

Joel: <Shampoo as Emperor Palpatine> Yesssss.... feel hate
FLOW through you...

Crow: Did they decide to stitch up a couple of rejected clauses
in the surgical area too?

>It was her voice alright, but it lacked the usual upbeat, happy
>quality to it. It was more of a wail.

Joel: <Shampoo, ghostly> Aireeeeennnnn..... WooooOOOooooo
AhhHHHhhh NiiIIIIiiiIII...

Crow: <Ranma> Eep.

>They were on their feet when the Amazon passed flying over the
>wall of the Tendo's garden in a wheel chair at full speed, several
>man in green coats falling and scattering all over the place.

Tom: 'Ironside' got REALLY weird in the latter seasons.

>The chair fell apart when it landed on the front of the Koi pond,
>and it's passengers all splattered on the ground.

Crow: Send in the clow... oh, they're already here.

>Shampoo jumped to her feet almost instantly, dragging along five
>burly male nurses that cling to her for dear life

Crow: Some women accessorize with purses, others with nurses.

Tom: Talk about a fashion emergency.

>"Shampoo? What's going on?"

Tom: Maybe the male nurses were really Ghostbusters in disguise,
corralling the evil spirit of a disturbed Amazon?

Joel: <Peter Venkman> Dang it Egon, next time I suggest Chinese
takeout, do NOT take me literally!

>"Oh, Ranma!" She knelt in front of him, her arms surrounding one
>of his as she watched him with adoring eyes.

Tom: <Shampoo> What is your wish, M'lord?

Crow: <Ranma> Uhhh... I dunno, juggle something?

>"Me so scared and sad! They poison blood and try take advantage
>of I! They drag self to bed when wanting go home!"

Joel: <Donnie Yen> Poison against Poison, it's a brilliant

Crow: <Ranma> Wait a second, I need a piece of paper to diagram

>Ranma blinked and looked at the nurses. They seemed terrified and
>still not quite grasping what had just happened. He leaned towards
>one of them.
>"Take advantage?"
>"She…she…needed to stay in bed."

Tom: <Nurse> I offered myself as an incentive. I mean, come
on, I'm burly and nobody can wield a sponge like yours truly!

>He stammered, wondering if he would fly off to his doom if he let
>go of the girl, apparently not realizing the race of death through
>Nerima had ended a moment ago.

Crow: 'The Amazing Race of DEATH'. New season this fall on CBS!

>"D…doctors orders…"
>"And here I was thinking we'd have a few days of peace…"
>"Maybe you should have stayed in bed, Shampoo-san,." Kasumi said
>gently. "You look a little pale."

Joel: She accidentally got scheduled for a Michael Jackson skin
peel while she was there.

Tom: <Shampoo> Hooo! Aiya!

>Shampoo shooke her head rapidly.

Crow: Time to clear the Etch-a-Sketch.

>"No! I need be home, Ranma rescue loving wife, yes?"
>"Gimme a break…"

Tom: <Ranma> Very well, I'll heroically rescue you from needed
medical care, spirit you away from qualified professionals and
personally observe your collapse into a puddle of drool and sweat.

Joel: <Shampoo> Yay!

Tom: <Ranma> Sarcasm is a foreign concept to you, isn't it?

>Suddenly a huge man jumped out of the koi-pond with an angry
>hostile expression on his square face.

Crow: <Chef Gordon Ramsay> No character moments, no plot
advancement! Just look at this dialogue! It's RAW!! LOOK!!!
You, you, you, you and you... GET OUT!!! F@#K OFF, ALREADY!!!

Joel: <Ranma> Damn, he's *everywhere*.

Tom: <Ukyo> Yeah, I know.

>He looked more like a judo martial artist than a nurse, his
>oversize body straining his small green coat.

Tom: <Cheng Sinzan> Yeah, is this the King of Fighters crossover?

>"No patient is escaping on my watch." He snarled, removing his
>bulk off the pond where he had being ejected to and lunged
>towards Shampoo, with all the others following his lead.

Crow: Is this the Hospital of the Damned?

Joel: <Shampoo> But what if I just check myself out?

Crow: <Nurse> .... we hadn't thought of that.

>His big bulk was soon slammed against the wall and his own weight
>peeled him off of it, gravity dragging him back into the koi pond.

Joel: <koi> Round two, chump. *ding*

Tom: <Roy Scheider> You're gonna need a bigger nurse.

>Soon, nurses of all sizes were flying and crashing in all

Crow: The NURSEMIC has begun! Run for your lives! AHHHHHH!!!

>The Tendo's and Saotomo's watched with mild surprise…they didn't
>knew medical school trained students into the martial arts too.

Tom: Maybe they just misunderstood the meaning of 'heart attack'.

Joel: Dr. Tofu's building an army!

Crow <Dr. Tofu> Commander Betty... begin the attack.

>It was all very nice

Crow: <British voice> Yes, it was just lovely how Shampoo beat up
those angels of mercy...

Tom: Shampoo was impressed by some of the floral arrangements
the nurses brought until she realized that they had filed the ends
of the stems into darts.

Joel: <Tuxedo Mask> Hey, that's my schtick!

>until Shampoo kicked the last nurse right in the face and her
>recently stitched up wound popped open like a zipper, blood
>splashing all around again.

Crow: <Ranma> Psst, Shampoo! XYZ!

Joel: <Shampoo> You, stupid nurse bleeding profusely from
just broken nose! You help Shampoo NOW!

>Shampoo's eyes bulged out and she took her hands to the wound,
>trying to keep the precious liquid where it belonged.

Joel: <Shampoo> You, Blood! You stay in Shampoo now or
Shampoo KILL!

Tom: Confucius say, she who is worried about blood loss need
not be worried for long.

>"Aiya…uh…me…me go home now."
>She turned and started walking away.

Tom: <singing> Whoa-oh! Oh Annngelll! Come greet the dawn,
it's a brand new day...!

Crow: <author> Stop that! It's not over yet!

Tom: Oh, heh, sorry.

>Ranma jumped and placed a hand on her shoulder to stop her.
>"Airen come to home too?"

Crow: <Ranma> Sure, I could go for some noodles. Try not to
bleed into the bowl though, please.

Joel: <Akane> Can you pick up something for me too, Ranma?
I skipped lunch.

>Ranma clenched his teeth and shuddered when she hugged him,
>feeling the stingy warm blood falling down his leg.

Tom: 'Fic, you could have chosen a better time to depict Ranma's
Aunt Flo coming to visit.

Crow: Way to keep it classy, Servo.

Tom: You're welcome.


Joel: Someone short-circuited the Shampoo 'bot again!

Crow: <Shampoo-bot> AIYA. AIYA. BOP-A-LOO-LA.

>He kept Shampoo from falling down on her face as her knees buckled
>with one hand, while dragging the huge nurse off the pond with the
>other and shacking him violently.

Tom: Ooh, I've seen this game played on 'Whose Line Is It
Anyway'! Don't buzz them out yet, Clive!

>"Yo, man, wake up!"
>The big man's hand flailed mindlessly, trying to inject Ranma with
>something. He eeeeked again and let him drop back on the water.

Joel: <chuckling> When did Ranma Saotome turn into Reb Brown?

>"I better call an ambulance."
>"What a good idea, Nabiki-san."

Tom: <Ranma> Gee, maybe I should try wrapping some sort of
BANDAGE around her wound so I can, you know, stop the bleeding,
huh, Nabiki??

Joel: <Nabiki> Maybe you should.

Tom: <Ranma> Right, uh-huh, sure! And then we could REALLY
get crazy by wrapping some BLANKETS around Shampoo to keep her WARM
so she doesn't go into SHOCK or something!? That'd just be a GREAT
idea, wouldn't it, Nabiki?

Joel: <Nabiki> Uh, yeah.


>"No time for ambulance!" The huge nurse howled, emerging from the
>pond under his own power. "No patient dies on my watch!"

Crow: I can see the tagline now. "He'll nurse you back...
to DEATH!"

>"...Ranma…me dying again…"

Joel: <Ranma> Should've gone with your A-material, kid.

>"You should have stayed in the freacking bed!"

Tom: <Ranma> And next time, STAY in that bed before you bring
'Night of the Living Nurse' upon our heads again!

>"…you give last words to…obaaba…Ranma…"
>He sighed.

Crow: <Ranma> Fine. What do you want me to tell your sheep?

>"…please…me…YOU STAY AWAY FROM ME!"

Joel: <Ranma> Bad news, Old Ghoul. Shampoo wants you out of
her life.

>The oversize nurse reeled back from a blow delivered by the small
>girl as he tried to inject an anestesic.
>"Stay still, girl!"
>He sputtered out the words along a few bloody teeth. He was soon
>punched back again.

Crow: Shouldn't the nurses all be working on each other now?

Tom: Heh, you'd think so.

>"Shampoo, knock it off!"
>"…give last kiss…"

Joel: She's turning into Conrad Birdie!

Crow: <Ranma> I hate you, Shampoo. I really do.

>Ranma held her down with a scowl and the huge gorilla of a nurse,
>trembling and not even bothering to get up,

Tom: <author> Again, I must stress with unnecessary emphasis
and repetition the fact that said nurse was quite abnormally large,
big, huge, oversized...

Joel: <Nurse> What kind of sin could a nurse commit in a single
lifetime to bring this upon himself!?

>pinched her lightly in the belly, right on top of the bleeding

Crow: Ah, that explains it. The big nurse is being played by
Joe Besser.

>He was rewarded with a brutal kick to the neck.

Crow: <Nurse> You honor me. *thud*

Tom: <Ukyo> All this 'cause I decided to slice her belly open?
Wonder what happens if I sever one of Kodachi's legs?

Joel: <Kodachi> It's filled with candy!

>Fortunatly the ambulance arrived soon and they all struggled to
>drag Shampoo inside, She was surprisingly strong for someone under
>sedation and with a good bleeding out.

Crow: Huh, I guess 19th century barbers were right. Bloodletting
CAN be beneficial!

>"Me not wanna go!" She wailed, clinging to Ranma's neck as he
>struggled to keep his groud. "Ranma !"

Tom: <Ukyo> Oh, just take it like a woman.

Crow: <Akane> Yeah!

>"GET OFF OF ME, SHAMPOO! They'll take care of you!"

Joel: <Ranma> Any hospital with a name like 'Funny Farm' has
to be a cool place to visit!

>"Ranma, just get in with her!" Akane screamed, pushing him as the
>nurse pulled Shampoo. "She's gonna bleed to death!"
>"No she wont! I have tests tomorrow, I gotta sleep, SHAMPOO!"

Crow: So! Akane's *pushing* Ranma to be with Shampoo and
Ranma's begging off due to *schoolwork*.

Joel: <Ranma> I can't feign sympathy without at least twelve
hours of shuteye!

>The amazon warrior finally lost her hold on his neck and fell
>back. They quickly slammed her down on the gurney and speeded
>to the hospital.

Tom: Whew, just in time too! That stretcher match was
nearing a curfew draw.

>Ranma was mumbling on the ground. He had being ejected forward by
>Akane's frantic shoves, and had slammed his forehead painfully on
>the ground.

Joel: <Akane> Oh, nurses...

Crow: Oh good, now Ranma can share in our collective headaches.

>"You're such a jackas, Ranma." Nabiki added.

Tom: <Ukyo> Why must everyone rip off MY dub lines?

>"Cant…everyone…gimme…a….brreakk… ;"

Crow: <Ranma as Bill> When does... the hurting... stop?

>The next day, after school, Ranma was feeling kind of guilty for
>all the arguing and scowling Akane and the Tendo's had delivered
>into him.

Tom: So they're mad at him for what exactly?

Joel: Does it really matter?

Tom: No, but the question still needs to be asked.

>He bought some flowers and chocolates and headed to the hospital
>to pay Shampoo a visit.

Crow: The flowers and chocolates were to keep the ravenous nurses
at bay for three measly minutes.

>Akane was next to him. She hadn't given any explanations, and
>Ranma had not asked.

Tom: <Akane> I'm the goddamned Batman.

Joel: <Ranma> I didn't ask! Even so, I'm NOT wearing the
Robin suit!

Tom: <Akane> But we got 70% of the O'Donnell stink out of it...

>That was one of the things that were both an advantage and a
>disadvantage with Ranma. He took a lot of things for granted.
>"I KILL!"

Crow: For example, assuming Shampoo's homicidal impulses were
under the slightest bit of control.

Tom: Her pronouns are correct as long as her subject-verb
agreement are off, I see.

>Shampoo's room seemed to be under the attack of a very centralized
>hurricane with a very dirty mouth.

Joel: It's Hurricane Lisa Lampanelli!

>Most of the words that were being screeched could not be
>understood, for they were spoken in Chinesse.

Joel: <Shampoo> Lo mein! Kung pao! GENERAL TSO!!

Tom: Nope, just the nurses discussing lunch.

Crow: <Ranma> Darn, and I can only understand Japanana!

>But it wasn't needed much imagination to know what they meant.

Joel: <Shampoo> I am supremely discomfited!

Crow: <Ranma> Look, doctor, you've got to fix her elbow... without
that, I've missed at least half of what she's been implying for the
last four years!

>Akane and Ranma did understood frequent death threats in Japanese,
>apparently the only thing Shampoo could mastered in her current
>mental state.

Tom: Did someone twist her turnkey, or yank her cord?

Crow: I'd say Shampoo also mastered being a Christian
scientist if she's this resistant to medical treatment.

>They both poked their heads into the room. A disheveled and pale
>nurse walked hurriedly out. She grabbed onto Akane's arm, almost
>leaning on her.

Tom: <Akane> Ouch! D-Did you just jab me with a NEEDLE!?

Joel: <Nurse> Must save... Dennis Quaid...

>"By the love of god, dont touch the straps."

Tom: <Nurse> ...Or you get the whip! She's really serious!

Crow: <Nurse> She hasn't said the safety word... it's your
funeral if you do.

>Shampoo was tightly strapped down on the bed…and didn't seem to
>like it a lot.

Joel: <Akane> Thanks nurse, I'll take it from here. *POW*
Yeah, this is much easier now. *BIFF* Wait outside, Ranma,
I'll be done in a minute... *SOCK*...

>She was trashing with such violence, that the bed itself shook
>and jumped with her. She finally stopped, panting and wheezing.

Tom: <Shampoo> Shampoo need cigarette.

Crow: <Bed> So do I.

>"Yo, Shampoo…"

Joel: <Ranma> Just give it up already. When a fanfic has you
tied down to a bed, there's simply no escape... isn't that right,

Crow: <Ukyo> *ahem* I have no idea what you're talking about.

>Any trace of rabid consuming rage disappeared, and her face was
>all smiles.

Tom: Well, those hospital drugs just kicked in.

>"How are you feeling?"
>Akane blinked when Shampoo glared at her.
>"How you think? Japanese people stupid! Why not respect other?"

Crow: <Shampoo as Jackie Chan> You are all garbage! Don't
you know you're the scum of society!?

>"Hey, don't blame this on me! Why cant you relax and be civil!"
>Shampoo retorted with something in chinese.

Joel: <Akane> Stick with my wife? What the hell does THAT

Crow: <Akane> My lucky number is 27? What?

>"Hey, don't say words I cant understand!" Akane seethed, getting
>red with anger.
>"So, how do you feel?"

Tom: <Akane> Is the pain more a "kinda smiley face" or closer
to a "semi-frowny face"?

Crow: <Shampoo> Shampoo feel like bed in 'Breaking Dawn Part 1'.

>Shampoo seemed to debate what to say

Joel: <Shampoo> Shampoo call for vote of no confidence!

>Even though her eyes were tired and kind of bleary, Akane could
>feel the cunning penetrating mind still working through the fog.

Crow: I didn't know Akane was half Betazoid.

Tom: <Shampoo> EYES... IN THE DARK...!!

Joel: <Akane> WHERE ARE YOU?!?

>Fortunately, she had never made the mistake of taking the Chinese
>girl by an idiot. She subconsciously glanced at Ranma. Akane knew
>how much it hurt to be underestimated.

Joel: <Ranma, thinking> I wonder what Kasumi's making for

>"I woke up and still feel not good." Shampoo finally sighed in a
>weary tone. "Me not like here. Me want go home."

Crow: <Shampoo, singing> Take I home, country roads...

>Ranma put the flowers and chocolates they had bought for her by
>the nightstand and scratched at the back of his head.

Tom: <Ranma> I swear, it's at least half full still.

>"Mmm…you kinda cant eat the chocolates…but its the gesture that
>counts, uh?" He laughed. He stopped when both girl glared at him,.

Crow: <Ranma> But it'd just ooze out of your gaping stomach
wounds! ...oops, I'm not supposed to mention that, right?

>"Well…we just wanted to make sure you were okay. And the Doctor's
>say you'll be alright so, see ya around."

Joel: <Ranma> We've stalled this plot as long as we could...
it's all up to you now.

>He turned to leave. Shampoo strained against the straps.
>"Ranma!...You just leave loving wife here? Alone?"
>He made a face.

Tom: <Ranma> Who knew S&M could be such a pain in the butt?

>"Well…yeah, whats the big deal? Cant you be by yourself?"
>"…Me not like…Me want home…"
>Ranma sighed.

Joel: <Akane> I know! We'll call Mousse in to look after her!

Crow: <Ranma> And maybe Kodachi knows some good herbal remedies!

Joel: <Akane> And Gosunkugi could pray over the corpse!

Tom: <Shampoo, weakly> Shampoo be good now.

Crow: <Ranma> I love it when a plan comes together.

>"We'll ask if you can stay at your place." He said. "Be
>right back."

Tom: <Ranma, sticking his head out the door> Hey you! Can she
stay at her place?

Joel: <Janitor> What?

Tom: <Ranma> No, huh? Too bad. <*slam*> Sorry babe, I tried!

>"She lost too much blood and she had to be stitched up twice." Dr
>Ramen told them.

Joel: <Ranma> Does this mean that I can throw her like a curveball?

>"Even with Dr Tofu tacking care of her, there could be
>complications and he doesn't have the necessary equipment to
>handle them. She needs to stay a few days…Loock, the food is not
>so bad, okay? And the beds are clean."

Crow: <Dr. Ramen> We'll eventually get around to emptying the
bedpans... look, it's already on the agenda for next week's

Joel: <Dr. Ramen> That jello was green when we bought it! Honest!

>Ranma stared at him a moment, then shrugged and turned to leave.
>Akane stopped moving to Shampoo's room when she realized she was
>going alone.

Tom: <Akane> Hey!

Crow: <Ranma> Freedom! Glorious FREEDOM!!! BWAHAHAHA!!!

>"Ranma! Aren't you going to tell her?"
>"Tell her what? What everyone's already told her?

All: <singing> Tell her about it! Tell her everything you feel!

>She's gonna be alright, Akane, she's just trying to get me to
>spend time with her."
>"And is that so bad? She's all alone in there…"

Tom: <Akane> You have to go back so she can be all clingy with
you and... wait, why am I arguing this point? Dammit author, get
out of my HEAD!!

>"Then you stay with her. I gotta tests to do, and practice.

Crow: <Ranma> I'm late for my... violin... piano... clarinet...

>"I dont have to stay…she aint one MY fiancees."
>They walked out of the Hospital and into the garden. Akane felt
>worst each step she took.

Tom: <Ranma> You borrow my script again, Akane?

Joel: <Akane> Sorry, I lost mine somewhere in the backyard.

>Shampoo stared at the ceiling. She wasn't unused to being alone.

Crow: Her wide variety of imaginary friends started taking seats
in the hospital room...

Tom: <Shampoo> Hello Conditioner, Soap Onna Rope, Baron von
Charleston, Abby Cadabby...

Joel: Damn, I'll have what she's having.

>As any good warrior, it had being necessary for her to spend weeks
>in the solitude of the wilderness, either training, keeping guard
>or hunting certain female outsider that had dared to humiliate her
>in front of her people.

Crow: Welcome back to Amazon Vs. Wild!

>She sighed and glanced at the flowers and chocolates Ranma had
>brought her. Sometimes it seemed her airen didn't give a twig
>about her.

Tom: <Shampoo> No, wait.. Shampoo know it round and brown....
shit. Ranma no give shit about I.

>Its not that she mind much but…sometimes his indifference really
>hurt her. She had landed on that horrible place because of him.

Joel: <Shampoo> Sometimes me think us all live in series called
Ranma! What you think of that!?

>The door to her room opened and a couple of male nurses entered,
>followed by the Doctor.

Crow: <Robert Picardo> Please state the nature of the medical

>Shampoo eyed Dr Ramen wryly as he took her blood pressure, leveled
>her heartbeat rate and response of her eyes to the light.

Joel: So who's next, anaesthesiologist Soy Sauce?

Crow: <Shampoo> Hmph, Japanese names are so silly!

>But then, he started touching her chest, and belly...
>"Lets prepare another transfussion." Dr Ramen said. "Something's

Tom: <Dr. Ramen> Wat? No, I'm not drrunk! Now shtop
spinning the rroom arround... dat's a good grrrl...

Joel: <Dr. Ramen> Wat's all dis red stuff anyway? *hic*
Somebody spill da Clamato?

>"No! Nothing be wrong!" Shampoo squealed. "Me no need no nothing!"

Tom: <Dr. Ramen> Dear God! She used a triple negative!
Prep this poor girl for surgery immediately!

Crow: <Nurse> It's not a triple, Doctor... she's gone all the

Tom: <Dr. Ramen> V-Very well... seal the room while I arm
the self-destruct... I'm so sorry I got you involved in this...

Crow: <Nurse, sobbing> I love you, Dr. Ramen!

>The Doctor ignored her. A moment later a nurse returned with the
>transfusion equipment ready.

Joel: Did you wipe off the Keith Richards pseudo-blood first?

>Shampoo saw the blood IV…the blood of who knew what Japanese
>commoner, most possibly not even a warrior…maybe not even a

Tom: <Cologne> You gave her PIG'S BLOOD?!

Crow: <Dr. Ramen> What? It works, right? ...you're not Jewish,
are you?

Tom: <Cologne> TRAFE!!

>The thought of the blood of a male being fed into her veins filled
>her with horror and disgust and she howled her protests.


Joel: At this rate Shampoo, I'd worry more that they matched your
blood type. These guys don't exactly scream "competence".

Crow: They barely whisper it.

>Used to it by now, the hospital staff ignored her futile struggles
>which started growing more frantic when one of the nurses lifted
>her hospital gown to touch her skin.

Tom: Geez, this hospital is full of perverts.

Crow: <Shampoo> Shampoo private areas more like expressway.

>Akane stared at the entrance of the Neko Hanten.

Joel: <Akane> Why won't they open? I'm SOOOO hungry!

>It was strange to see such a busy and successful restaurant closed
>and empty.

Tom: <Akane> And I'm nothing if not invested in the success of
the Neko Hanten!

Joel: Wait, so Cologne and Mousse took the restaurant with them
when they went to help Shampoo's mom?

>At night, it looked desolated. Akane shook her head.. As if any of
>their inhabitants had died or something.

Tom: Well, Shampoo's working on it.

Crow: Shampoo's mom too. That's one dedicated family!

>Cologne and Mousse where in China in a trip and Shampoo was
>recovering at a good hospital. So…why was she feeling so sad
>for her?

Joel: <Akane> Good question, any ideas from you readers out
there? Anybody?

Tom: Must be more of those plot-enhancing Amazon pharmaceuticals.

>She turned and walked away. Stupid Ranma.
>Shampoo awoke with a start when she felt movement around her.

Joel: Yeah, I could see Shampoo playing Hudson.


>There was a dreaded nurse…but behind her there was a familiar

Joel: The dreaded orderly!


>At first she thought it was Ranma, somehow stuck in her female
>form…but then realized how shapeless that female was…

Crow: Oh! It's Keira Knightley!

Tom: You're not kidding, brother.

>"Akane?" She asked in dismay.
>"Hi. How're you feeling?"

Joel: <Shampoo> Me fear blood was *oink!*... tainted.

>"Go away."

Joel: <Akane> Fine! I'll go stare at the door of your
restaurant again!

Tom: <Shampoo> And I'll continue to protest my medical
treatment beyond all realms of sanity!

Joel: <Akane> You do that!

Tom: <Shampoo> Oh, I will!

>Akane glared at her, but her angry retort died on her throat at
>the sadness and weariness she could see in Shampoo's face.

Crow: Luckily for Shampoo, Akane was only capable of
'X-ray' vision.

Joel: <Shampoo> Me want second opinion... for last five days.

>Without Ranma, the amazon hadn't even bothered to put up an act
>of anything. She just laid there, looking longingly at the window.

Tom: <Akane> Don't mind me, I seem to enjoy randomly staring
at things with no rhyme or reason.

>"I figured…you'd want some company?"

Crow: Meh, I can't even work up the energy for a Bow... much
less a Chicka-Wow-Wow...

>Shampoo blinked and glanced at her, then at the male nurse
>changing the IV. She wasn't sure who she should be more afraid of.

Joel: Considering the pending lawsuits for grievous injuries,
I'd go with the nurse.

>The thought of more strange blood being poured into her and those
>disgusting men touching her without her permission was more
>perturbating at the end than accepting death at the hands of a
>long time rival.
>"Yes…Shampoo'd want the company."

Crow: Shampoo truly puts the *hostile* in takeover.

Tom: <Akane> Fine, twist my arm. Electric for Ventor... and I
want to buy three houses now.

Joel: <Shampoo> Fine! But Shampoo is Shoe!

>"Ill leave you two alone then." The male nurse said. "Anything
>you need, you press this button."


All: <hum the Mystery Science Theater 3000 Love Theme>

>"In the heart, yes? Be more quick."
>Akane blinked.

Joel: <Shampoo> Shh! Shampoo trying to compose new song for
Miley Cyrus!

>Shampoo's eyes narrowed.
>"Why you come?"
>"Like I said…you kinda looked like you wanted company. So here
>I am!"

Joel: <Akane> Akane Tendo, Attorney at Law.

Crow: <Shampoo> Who references?

Joel: <Akane> Harvey Birdman, Sam Waterston's toupee, Jim

>"...WHAT?" Akane screamed, blushing under the skeptical stare of
the Amazon.

Crow: Oh, so Akane can dish out the staring, but she can't
take it, huh?

>"Shampoo be really tired. Maybe it easier if eyes not looking?"
>With a knowing nod, she closed her eyes. "But make quick, yes?
>Me always plan to do it quick to you."
>"What are you talking about?"

Crow: Geez, it's like watching 'Mitchell' all over again...

Tom: <Shampoo> BUZZ OFF, KID!

>"You know." She started to doze off again. "And if you not
>know…then maybe better if Shampoo no tell, yes?"

Crow: This isn't a 'Saturday Night Live' sketch! GET TO THE

>Akane quieted down. Shampoo was already asleep. She sighed.

Joel: <Akane> Well, that killed a few minutes. Now what?

Tom: <Akane> Wonder what Ranma's up to...

Crow: <Ranma> Got any 3's?

Tom: <Ryoga> Go fish.

>The only noise in the room was Shampoo's wheezing breaths and
>the beeping sound of the heart monitor keeping account of her
>pulse rate.

Joel: <Akane> Ugh, that beeping sound is so annoying! *click*
Ah, much better... oh man, now it's just screeching! ARGH!

>Now that Akane didn't have to worry about staring, she studied the
>milky skin covered in sweat, the dark aureoles below the big eyes

Tom: The text is betraying what you're really looking at, Akane.

>…and the trail of tears running down her cheeks. The pillow was
>wet with them.

Crow: So much for 'No More Tears', huh guys? Heh, see, cause
she's named Shampoo and... yeah, I'll be over here.

>"I KILL!"
>Akane jumped startled out of her guts by the sudden chaos
>around her.

Joel: <Akane> Oh my god! Things are finally HAPPENING in
this fanfic!

Tom: But *what* is happening? They have to make some sort of

>For a moment, she thought someone had broken into the Dojo and was
>hurting someone…but then remembered where she was and what she
>was doing.

Crow: <Akane> Right then! Back to staring creepily at Shampoo.
Hmmm... Mmmm.... Hmmm... Mmmm....

>She got up from the couch and stared at the scene before her.

Joel: While the Simpsons blankly stared back at her in kind.

Tom: <Comic Book Guy> Worst. Couch Gag. Ever.

>Shampoo had managed to set one arm free and was trying to choke
>the life out of a male nurse while a mini regiment of others
>struggled to uncurl her fingers from his neck and get the arm
>back under control.

Crow: Shampoo versus health professionals, round 4! *ding*!

Joel: Whoever said doctors make the worst patients never met
an Amazon.

>"You Not Touch Shampoo!"
>They finally managed to and Akane frowned in concern as Shampoo
>was even more heavily restrained.

Crow: <Akane> Hmm, the bandages are nice, but what she
really needs is an eyepatch.

Tom: <Nurse> But her eyes are perfectly...

Crow: <Akane> Dammit, it's not fetish fuel without the

>"I KILL!" She promised again in the fiercest snarl Akane had
>ever heard.

Tom: Either get a new catchphrase or put it on a shirt, lady.

Crow: <Akane> Oh! Did I mention cold water turns her into a
little cat? That might save you some trouble... heh... probably
should've mentioned that earlier.

Joel: <nurse> We're not a vet clinic...

Tom: <nurse #2> And I've treated people who've taken cats to
the vet before. Strips of flesh... strips of flesh.

>But even when her snarling threats where fearsome enough, she was
>still human and was soon forced to stop to catch her breath.

Joel: <Shampoo> Gimme something to help me catch my breath so
that I can continue snarling threats!

Tom: I don't suppose these nurses have ever heard of a NMDA

Crow: Huh? Well, no, but at least they're starting to get
familiar with self-preservation.

>The regiment of nurses left, murmuring curses, leaving only
>one behind.

Tom: <Nurse> May your butt swell up like a sponge.

Crow: <Nurse> May your gown be more of a flap.

Joel: May your tongue depressors give you splinters.

Tom: <Nurse> May you die on the operating table!

Crow: <nurse> Bob! Seriously?

Tom: <Bob, sobbing> It's been a tough week...

>Akane simply stood next to the bed, wondering what the fuzz
>was all about.

Joel: <Akane> Damn honkies. Always keepin' a sister down.

>Her eyes bulged out at the sight of the hideous wound.

Crow: *sighs* Yes, folks. It took her THAT long to notice it.

Joel: <Akane> Good gravy, are Ukyo's spatulas serrated, or topped
with hooks?

>When her eyes land on Shampoo's face…she saw tears running
>freely down her cheeks.

Tom: Followed by the clearance tears, then the full-price tears...

Joel: <Akane's eyes> Gee, was it something I said?

>"What the hell are you doing to her?"
>"Trying to clean her wound?"
>"But…but it's hurting her!"

Tom: <nurse> Oh sorry, I'll just let it fester and pus
then. Idiot.

>"No, its not. Its just oxygen water."

Crow: They said the same thing right before the waterboarding.

>Akane forced herself to watch. He was being very careful and his
>movements reminded her of Dr Tofu.

Tom: <Akane> I remember when Dr. Tofu used to clean my
gaping wound... ahh, good times.

>Besides…she had seeing Shampoo trying to cover the hole in her
>stomach with her bare hands without much more reaction than a
>blink of her eyes.

Joel: <Nurse> Uh, miss? That's just your navel. We all
have one, you know?

>Still now, Shampoo's hands were clenching the sheets tightly,
>and her eyes were closed as if she were under the worst torment
>in hell. Then it occurred to her…

Joel: <Akane> They're going to corner one of us to pay the
bill... and I have working legs. Smell ya later, Shamps!

>"Could…could I clean it up?"
>She asked the nurse, tacking his hand to stop his work. He

Crow: Um, ouch?

Tom: <singing> Just tack my hand, it's paradise...

>"Cant you see you are upsetting her? I'm a friend. Let me do it,
>it ain't so hard!"

Tom: <Akane> Stand aside, trained medical professional! This

>Shampoo hissed, pulling the straps dangerously taunt. The nurse
>swallowed and allowed Akane to take his seat, giving her a pair
>of gloves.

Joel: <Nurse> When the ref blows the whistle, throw these
down on the ice and pull the patient's gown over her head.

>Akane, very sure of herself so far, hesitated and paled at the
>prospect of having to touch and get the hideous wound wet.

Crow: <Akane> Ick. Can't I just dry clean and wrap her in
plastic for an hour?

Tom: <Akane> Wait, I got it! Shampoo, change into a cat
and lick your wounds clean! That will simplify everything!

>Swallowing hard, she started barely brushing the exposed,
>opened skin, expecting Shampoo to screech in pain and lash
>out anytime soon.

Crow: Which made it all the more disconcerting when Shampoo
moaned and reached out to caress Akane's breast...

Tom: <Akane> Nurse, I'm going to need a bottle of soap, a
bag of sponges, a basin of water and a bikini, stat!

Joel: You guys...

Crow: Oh, bite me! It's fun!

Tom: A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste, Joel.

>"It doesnt hurt." The nurse assured her. "Does it hurt?"

Joel: <Akane> No, I feel fine, Nurse. Why?

Crow: Anything Goes Anaesthetics.


Joel: <nurse> Well! Looks like something ELSE needs some
cleaning. Akane, the soap, if you please...

Crow: Y'know, I've heard lather is the best medicine...
*smack* Ow!

>"…Press it lightly. Like that. Now with this."

Tom: <Akane> Aren't you concerned the cattle prod will go off?

Crow: <Nurse> Just think of it as a preemptive defibrillation.

>"There now." The nurse picked everything up. "Why didn't you say
>you preferred a female nurse?"

Joel: <Shampoo> Shampoo no want to be sexist, stupid male!

>Shampoo barcked something in chinesse at him, janking on her
>restraint so hard the bed jumped. The man screeched and fled.

Crow: <Coach Z> Uff da, drap dat Nort Da-koe-tuh orccent
already! It's just orful!

>Her big violent eyes turned to Akane…and stared long and hard.

Joel: Shampoo's eyes were wanted in twelve states for
literally staring daggers into a guy.

>"You…you cleansed wound…"
>"You kinda looked terrified." Akana said, blushing slightly.
>"It shouldn't upset you so bad, they are just nurses…"

Tom: Nurses... with Nunchaku!

Crow: <nurse> Cowabunga!

Joel: <nurse> I've got a throwing star, can I be accepted?

Tom: <nurse> No! For we are Nurses... with Nunchaku!

>"They no right touch Amazon blood."
>Akane made a face and sighed.
>"Why? Is there some punishment for that?"

Crow: <Shampoo> Death.

Tom: <Akane> Well... I was wearing nitrile gloves.

Crow: <Shampoo> Then... slow death.

>"You be warrior…you can touch blood."

Joel: <singing> Touch blood, touch blood, I wanna feel
your body...

>"You lick Shampoo wound, Tendo Akane."
>"I didnt lick it!"
>"…Me not forget."

Tom: How many licks does it take to get to the center of
an Amazon's gaping wound?

Crow: The world may never know.

>Akane's anger fled her…Shampoo was smilling at her. She blinked
>in confusion and blushed again.


[Crow and Joel look over at Tom]

Tom: *ahem* Sorry. Just needed to get that out.

>"It…it was nothing, really…"

Tom: Much ado about NOTHING, indeed!

>"Akane …"
>"You free Shampoo now…yes?"

Joel: <Akane> Oh boy, free shampoo? You lucky duck, the
hospital gives you EVERYTHING!

>She glanced at the door. They had told her not too. And she
>understood why.

Crow: At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if she DIDN'T.

>"They said I shouldn't."
>Shampoo frowned.
>"But look, Ill stay here. I'll make sure they don't bother
>you anymore."

Crow: <Akane> All those selfish jerks changing your bandages
and IV drips... I'll make them all PAY!

Joel: <Akane> I hope you like Boggle cause that's what we're
playing if I'm in this for the long haul.

>"Okay… You want be friend with I?"
>Akane blinked.
>"Uh…well, yes…I, well, we've gone through a lot and…and I just
>feel of us like friends already. You don't?"

Tom: <Shampoo> Oh, we are? Then loan me five bucks!

Joel: <Akane> We're friends, not siblings.

Tom: <Shampoo> Damn!

>For the look she gave her, it was evident Shampoo had never
>thought of her as anything close to a friend…untill then.
>Akane smiled broadly, feeling a great sense of accomplishment.

Crow: Achievement unlocked. (5G) - "It was nothing, really."

>"Besides…" She added. "You have done the same fer me lots of
>"Shampoo never has."
>Akane's laughter died on her throat.

Tom: It collapsed next to the bloated corpse of her angry
retort from earlier. How many more vocalizations had to
perish before this scene would finally come to an end?

>"Yes, you did."
>She scowl and her smile descended into a tight neurotic rictus.

Tom: She mastered the Seinfeld chortle. How sweet.

Joel: This is like a remake of Misery, and I think Shampoo
and Akane got their roles mixed up.

>"Yes you did! Twice! Remember Taro and that Phoenix fiasco?"

Crow: <Shampoo> Phoenix, Phoenix... was that when we trashed
the Super 8 in Glendale?

>Shampoo's eyes widen. She sniffed and shifted as much as the
>restraints would allow her. For a moment she remained silent,
>and again those eyes of hers grew hard. Finally, the thinking
>process stopped, and Shampoo made her move.

Tom: <Shampoo> Windows is shutting down... BOOOooooooooooo...

>"Aiya…Me not say true because Airen happy with Shampoo for action.
>But you help Shampoo…so Shampoo give true in this."

Joel: <Shampoo> This not Shampoo's natural hair color.

Tom: <Akane> Yeah, I figured that out when I saw your
fuzz earlier.

>She pulled her head up and beckoned Akane to move closer, glancing
>about to make sure nooned else was around before whispering

Crow: <Shampoo, whispering> I'm an Amazon but I secretly
worship the SUN. Try wrapping your head around THAT.

>"Me wanting kill Akane in cave and blame Taro and then be trying
>to break neck in slip and make it look like nice little accident."

Tom: <Shampoo> So watch out if I ever pull same stunt again!
You've been warned!

Joel: <Akane> I'm just amazed that for once *I'm* not the
overly violent one in a Ranma 1/2 fanfic...

>Akane's eyes bulged out in horror, and in her anger, she thought
>of just turning around and leaving that homicidal little bitch to
>her inner ghosts…but Shampoo was looking at her with such an open
>smile and tender eyes…

Crow: <Shampoo> I KILL! I mean... Shampoo love you! LOVE...

Tom: Meanwhile, she's already gnawed a tongue depressor
in the rough shape of a shiv.

>She sighed and remained in her chair, suddenly understanding,
>and feeling great sympathy, for Ranma.

Joel: <Akane> Man, he got out while the getting was good. Wish
I'd listened to him.

Crow: <Akane> *ring ring* Kodachi? Yeah, I just want to
say... I'm sorry and I want you back...

Tom: ... Wait? That's it? Really? REALLY??? What... the
hell... did we just read...?

Crow: You really want more of this?

Tom: NO! *ahem* No. But still... REALLY???

Joel: Seriously, Veterinarian’s Hospital had better continuity
than this...

Crow: Better looking nurses too.

Joel: Yeah, what was up with all that nurse abuse? Did the author
have a really bad hospital stay once and this is her revengefic?

Crow: Who knows? More importantly, who cares. Let's just be
thankful WE'RE out of the hospital now.

Tom: I hear that! Visiting hours are officially OVER!

(Joel picks up Tom and follows Crow out of the theater.)

* * *


"...and why introduce a plot point if you planned to sweep it
under the rug in the FIRST PLACE!?" Tom ranted as the theater
doors closed behind them.

"I doubt there was much though put into... wait, look guys!
Somebody's calling us on the Hexfield Viewscreen!" Crow exclaimed
as Joel walked over to the counter and gave the flashing button a
tap. The Hexfield opened to reveal a room filled with hospital
cots with injured people laying on them and a large familiar
figure dressed in a green coat standing in front.

"Prep these three nurses for surgery! We'll be needing them
later tonight for the Amazon's bath! No patient sponges themselves
on my watch!" The jumbo male nurse exclaimed as he wiped the sweat
from his face with a cloth before noticing Joel and the bots
blankly staring at him. "You the new interns?"

"Uh, no." Joel replied, confused.

"Great, that's just great..." The spacious male nurse groaned
and rubbed his temples. "I'm in charge of triage and I'm up to my
hairy nipples with wounded here! That Amazon girl is taking out my
nurses faster than I can replace them! Wounds takes time to heal
and I'm sending back guys with bruises, concussions and cuts that
have barely had time to scab over! It's madness!"

"Have you tried doping her up with painkillers?" Crow asked.

"No patient gets high on my watch!" The immense male nurse
snapped as he wiped his face again. "Besides, last time I tried
using a needle on her, I nearly got my sinuses cleared straight
up to my BRAIN! I'll leave the suicide missions to the interns,
thank you very much!"

"Well, how about you drug her food? That could work." Joel

"She won't eat anything from us! We're trying to track down
her boyfriend, but he did the smart thing and bailed early. Maybe
that other girl that keeps leering at her can feed her something,
we'll see, but in the meantime, the Amazon still need medical care
and I'm almost out of fresh male nurses!" The hefty nurse

"Okay, why don't you just let her leave and recover at
home then!?" An exasperated Tom argued.

"No time for logic!" The vast nurse howled. "No patient
checks themselves out on my watch! The only way out of this
hospital is over my bloated corpse! And besides, I haven't had
a chance to touch her skin or blood yet..." the nurse of plus
size confessed while nervously rubbing the back of his head.

"I'm starting to realize why there's no female nurses in
this hospital." Crow muttered.

"Gee, um, I really can't think of anything else to suggest.
You guys?" Joel asked as the bots shook their heads.

"Ah, that's okay, it's not your problem anyway. But no
matter what happens, we won't give up! We all took an oath to be
ample angels of mercy for duty and humanity! We'll heal that
Amazon girl even if it kills us... which by the looks of things,
is pretty likely at this point... but hey, at least my family
will get a nice settlement from the wrongful death suit."

"I KILL!" A loud screech was heard from off-screen. The
voluminous nurse turned towards the sound and sighed. "Oops,
speak of the devil... wish me luck, guys! Assistant to the
physician... HEAL THYSELLLLLF!" he cried out before lunging off
to the side out of sight as Joel and the bots winced at the
sounds of bones crunching and the nurse screaming in pain.

"Uh, good luck, I guess." Joel muttered to himself as the
Hexfield slowly closed, Crow turned to Joel and said "Wow, who knew
being a nurse could be so hazardous to your health?"

"Funny, Crow. Hey, wait a minute! Why didn't Shampoo ever
beat up Dr. Ramen? YET ANOTHER plot hole! GAHHHHHH!!!" Tom
growled as he resumed his ranting against the fanfic while Joel
noticed the red light flashing on the counter and gave it a press.

"Uh, what do you think, sirs?"

* * *


"Frank, are you going to eat this leftover biscuit or not?"

"I'm saving it for later!"

"You've been saying that for a week now! It's going to go bad
and I, for one, don't want to see it go to waste!"

"I swear I'm gonna eat it, Dr. F! Just not right now!

"Forget it, I'm eating it now."

"NO! Don't you dare! I spent ten minutes baking that bad
boy and I'm the one that's gonna enjoy it!"

"*sighs* Fine. Push the button and I'll put it back."

"You promise?"

"YES! Now push the button, Frank!

"Okay, then."


"*munch munch* Shanks, Frank.



We hope you enjoyed this and comments are very welcome.
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>"It doesnt hurt." The nurse assured her. "Does it hurt?"

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