A warning:

A small amount of suggestive material may be present throughout this fic, but nothing explicit. I suspect that the readers' imaginations will fill in the naughty bits quite effectively. Besides, it is much more fun this way.

As you should no doubt know by now, the characters and situations used are not mine. All legal rights belong to Takahashi-sama and her agents, lawyers, and other lackeys. It is not my intent to make a profit out of this at all, please don't sue, etc.

(If you feel strangely compelled to give me your money anyway, e-mail me privately, and I'll arrange to make something ORIGINAL for you to pay me for.)

As usual C&C is Good, Flames are Bad, and Chocolate is yummy!

Hello Mother!

Ch.1. Hello father!

Lying awake in bed, Ranma pondered the events that had led to tonight's strange reunion. It had all begun in the family living room, only a few hours earlier, with an all too frequent argument between him and his father.

"Look pops, I don't care what you say. There's just no way mom's ever coming back! She's gone, she left us, and you'll just have to deal!
I know you still claim that she's on some kinda 'training' trip and stuff, and that those letters and post cards we get every once in a while really are from her, but come on!
That trick mighta worked on me when I was a little kid, but for you to carry it for ten years is just too much! Admit it: You're full of it! If that trip was real, don'tcha think a normal person woulda been back by now? Nobody goes on training trips that long!
You should have just accepted that she's gone and moved on with your life, dad. I know I have."

"Ungrateful brat! Your mother has suffered through many hardships to improve herself! It takes commitment and time to become a true martial art master.
So what if it has taken your mother a while to improve her skills. She has done this to reach a level appropriate to her station in our family! The least you could do is show her some patience." Sigh. "Besides, according to this postcard I just got, you are completely wrong. The woman I married, your mother, is coming home! She will be here soon, and I will not have you give her any of your lip! So there! Nyaa!" With a red-eye gesture and an enormously self-righteous grin, The portly patriarch of the Saotome family started waving a travel-worn postcard just slightly away from his son's reach.

"I don't believe you, old man! That's just another one out of your sick perverted collection of postcards! What kind of a woman would send her family nudie girl postcards? What's even worse, is your pretending to keep them for the FAKE, CRAPPY, SENTIMENTAL NONSENSE in the back side! Gimme that, I'm gonna burn it along with the rest of them, and kick you out of the house until you find yourself a REAL woman!"

Tucking the postcard into a fold of his gi, and getting into a ready stance, Genma taunted the boy. "You'll have to take it from me first! That is, if you really can, boy!"

"Heh." Pausing for a second to take a quick look around their neatly kept living room, the young man gestured around him as he coolly asked his father, "Are you sure you want me to beat you here, pops? It'll tear the house up, and then you'll make me clean everything up. (By myself. Again.) You'll claim to be too beat-up and sore to do anything, and just lie down on the couch.
Wouldn't you rather take this out in back, in the yard, and save us both a lot of trouble?
That way, after I beat you up, you'll already be part-way outside, so It'll be no trouble at all for you to head on out and see if some woman takes pity on you. Because, with your looks, I don't see how else you'll get a date, much less find yourself a new wife."

Relaxing into an exaggeratedly thoughtful pose, Genma replied with a condescending smile. "Hmm. You could be right about a few things after all.
It is obvious you've forgotten what your own mother looks like, or you'd realize what a load of bull you've just said.
But then again, your grades prove that sitting around doing nothing all day at that fancy high school of yours has only damaged what little bits of sense you may have once had.
It has probably made your body just as soft as your head, as well.
Yes, it would probably be best for Poor Little Ranma not to spar at all today. It would be much better for all of us if I just fix him a warm cup of milk and send the good little boy upstairs for a short nap instead. That way, he won't be so cranky by dinner time, when MY DEVOTED WIFE, YOUR MOTHER, NODOKA, WHOM YOU WILL SHOW SOME PROPER RESPECT TO, gets home." Having said that, he quickly assumed a tighter stance and continued with a smirk. "Or maybe you're just too scared to find out how much better than you your old man really is?"

With a growl and a glare, Ranma leaped. "ARRGHH! Forget about the stupid postcard, pops. Nobody, not even you, calls me stupid to my face, dares to treat me like a three-year old, and lives! This time you are going down!" With a flurry of attacks and countermoves, followed by ever more childish taunting from Genma and Ranma's temper, the sparring session somehow degenerated into a brawl that eventually spilled over into the backyard, after trashing most of the open space inside the house.

Outside, a lone, travel-worn figure had finally arrived at her destination. In front of a once familiar door, the figure hesitated. Would the place still be the same as before? Would there still be a place for her there, or was she fooling herself into thinking she would ever be accepted back? With a bit of hesitation, she opened the unlocked door and walked in, pausing for a moment as old memories swept over her. Wiping some dust from her kimono, and straightening her posture, the person looked around the trashed living room with a slightly disapproving nod. In spite of the mess, she got an oddly reassuring feeling to see it this way. The mess, the familiar surroundings, and the vague impact noises coming from the back of the house summoned a single thought to her mind:

Welcome home.
"Oh my! What a mess! I was hoping you two could stand being alone by yourselves for a while, but it seems I barely made it back in time. Well, I suppose I'll have to clean this whole mess up later. For now, I want both of you to get over here and let me take a good look at you!"

A little confused from a combination of surprise at the voice, mutually inflicted concussions and exhaustion, the two bruised men slowly untangled themselves from each other to comply with the woman's commands.

Taking a quick look at their young visitor, the older of the two whispered: "So, Ranma, who's this? She looks familiar, but I can't quite place her.
Some new girlfriend of yours, maybe? She's cute, but I thought you said bossy women like her weren't your type."

"Look old man, I've got no clue who that girl that just barged in is, but she's getting on my nerves. I just hope this is not another one of your stupid dating schemes again. I'm getting sick of being set up with blind dates every time you meet someone with a single daughter.
You're the one who hasn't seen a woman, much less his own wife, in about ten years, not me. So please, just leave me out of it. Your frustrations with women are your problem, pops, not mine." Replied a grumbling Ranma.

With a shake of her head and a few disapproving tsks, the aforementioned girl replied, "You know Dear, whispering like that in front of someone else is just rude. I know you are excited to finally see me again, and you are probably just trying to arrange a little time alone with me, but I have barely finished a very long trip and I'm really worn out. I've really missed having you around too, (especially at night,) but I'm reaaally tired.
Maybe we can do something fun a little later? Just not right now, please? I would probably be quite disappointing to a manly man such as you right now.
Now come on, both of you, and get back inside. I'd like to get to see you before I collapse from exhaustion.
And could you turn on some lights? It's getting late and I'd like to be able to see you both clearly."

With an ill-concealed look of fatherly disapproval towards his son, Genma complied with the request.

"She's lyin'! I ain't seen her before in my life, or slept with her, or nothing!" Replied a very flustered Ranma.

"Honey, what are you talking about? You used to cry when you couldn't sleep with me, and my face would be the first thing you saw when you woke up. I remember you as such a cute baby, and now, you have grown up to be quite a handsome young man.
Besides, I was speaking to your father, my husband.
Genma, dear, you think you could give me a back rub when I get in to take a bath? I'm a little sore from traveling, and you're soo good with your hands.
Ranma-honey, you really should get your father to teach you some of his other techniques, as some of them are really quite good. His back-rubs, in particular, will melt any girl to butter.
A handsome, manly young man like yourself should have plenty of willing girls just waiting for a chance with you to use those techniques on them. Trust me, they'll love it."

"..." After a few minutes of stunned silence, a very uncomfortable Ranma finally reacted with a cracking of knuckles and a loud "Yo, Pops! We need to talk. Now. Ya better have a very good explanation for this!"

Too stunned to respond, a shocked Genma still remained at a loss for words. It was perhaps fortunate for him that his 'wife' chose that time to speak, and briefly prolong his continued existence.

"Son, I'm glad you are so eager to learn, but cracking your knuckles doesn't really help. Besides, he doesn't have to show you right now, does he? I'm going in to take a bath, and I wanted him to scrub my back the way he used to before I left." Unfortunately for Ranma's resolve, the combined strength of an ultra-cute smile and big, batting eyes, followed by a "Pleaaase, dear?" reduced his will to jelly for long enough to agree to the strange girl's demands. With a brief question to verify if the bath supplies and towels were still at the usual spot near the bathroom, the girl left to take her bath.

Both men had found themselves agreeing to the strange girl's requests before they could quite realized what was happening to them. However, Ranma still retained enough presence of mind to prevent his father's rushed escape through the back door. This would have been quite an impressive feat in Genma's misspent youth, but those days were long past. As it was, it was merely a matter of grabbing the collar of a dingy white gi at the appropriate time and place.

Why was pops wearing that ratty old thing now, anyway? He usually wore more normal clothing for everyday. Oh well, not important. "All right, old man...
...WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON WITH THAT GIRL?
WHO IS SHE?
HOW DOES SHE KNOW THIS HOUSE, AND WHY DOES SHE CLAIM TO BE YOUR WIFE?" She can't be much older than me if we knew each other when we were little. So... She has to be about my age.
I know I can't get married yet, so unless she's older than me, and she just got married to you... So, it's gotta be invalid or illegal or something.
But... She really only looks about my age, or maybe even a little younger, and it sounded like she knew both pops and the house a little too well, so those two have known each other for a while, which means...

...

"...EWWW, THAT IS JUST TOO SICK AND DISGUSTING!
I KNEW YOU WEREN'T PERFECT, OLD MAN, BUT THIS IS JUST WRONG!
You musta met that girl by a Junior High or somethin' an brought her here several times before! I don't even wanna know what you done with her to make her think she's married t'ya now, but you better send her back home, quick!
I really hope there's a really good explanation for all a this, and that this ain't what ya mean by the 'loyal husband' crap you been trying to pull on me all these times, because otherwise, I'm calling the cops and finally leaving this place. The Tendos would probably take me in. You might be my father, but family loyalty only goes so far, old man."

"Boy, your lack of trust in me is almost as bad as your attitude! You can't really believe That Girl? I'd never, ever, ever cheat on your mother!
Come on, when have I ever lied to you?" Replied a very upset Genma.

"Gee, let's see... You wanna long list, or just this week?"

"OK, fine. Carry a grudge. I make one or two mistakes here and there, and you get reminded forever. When have I lied about anything really important?"

Unfortunately for Genma, what could have been an enlightening discussion of his son's personal priorities was interrupted by an adult female voice heading towards them from the direction of the bathroom.

"Genma! Ranma! Are you two gonna argue all night? I got tired of waiting, so I finished my bath already. I don't know what you two are so upset about, but I could hear the noise all the way in the bathroom!" Suppressing a yawn, the woman continued. "I want you both to stop it this instant, and go to bed. It's late, I'm tired, and tomorrow is a school day, so I'll have to get up early to make some bentos, plus I don't want to see you two fighting like that in the house. So whatever it was, put it behind you for now, or take it out to the dojo tomorrow after school, if you have to."

With a heavy glomp, a very loud "YOU'RE HOME! I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH, DEAR!" and a few un-manly tears of joy, Genma Saotome was finally reunited with his beloved wife of sixteen years. "Where were you? I was expecting you much earlier today. It doesn't matter, you are here now. That is all that matters to me. How have you been? Where have you been? Did you miss us? I missed you. Please don't leave again!"

A few moments later, during a small pause in Genma's constant questioning and prattling, a much quieter voice made two important questions. "Excuse me ma'am, but who are you? And, what happened to the girl who went into the bathroom earlier?"

Loking up from a still emotional Genma, a slightly bewildered Nodoka answered with a "Huh? Are you OK, son? I think I introduced myself when I came in and saw you guys in the living room. I'm your mother, Nodoka.
Nobody else has been in the bathroom since I went in to take a bath, son. What did this girl look like, Ranma?"

"Well, she was about my age, with bright red hair, about as long as yours, I think. She was a bit shorter than me, and was wearing a slightly oversized kimono. Actually, that kimono looked like it would probably fit you, ...mom."

"I think her eyes were the same color as yours, dear, and now that I think about it, she reminded me of a lot of you when you were younger." Replied a more composed, happy husband.

With a big yawn and sleepy eyes, Nodoka replied. "Well, I think I would remember seeing someone who looked so much like me around, but I haven't seen anyone but you two since I got here." With a mischievous twinkle in her eye, she continued. "Genma dear, I am falling asleep here, so I'm going to bed. Care to join me?"