Rurouni Kenshin Fan Fiction ❯ Burden ❯ Chapter 1

Burden

By steelphoenix

 

 

Disclaimer: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin, or any of its characters. They are the property of Watsuki-sama!

Author's Notes: How can I explain how this one came about…? Well, I was having an angst session myself, and then `Epitaph' from .hack//SIGN came onto the playlist (I recommend you listen to this while reading, as well as ???). This got me thinking about death in animes, and I wondered whether anyone from RuroKen had considered suicide.

The main POV in this fic ended up being Kenshin, because, well… Battousai makes it so much more interesting… I made Battousai Kenshin's `little evil voice', encouraging him to give it all up, and let go…

This is set at the end of the Kyoto Arc. I haven't seen the Jinchuu Arc, so I don't think this is consistent with what happens in that arc. This one of the things I think could have happened at the end of the Kyoto Arc.

Sorry for any OOC-ness. There'll probably be some. By the way, this is a ONE-SHOT! A long one-shot, but a one-shot nevertheless. There will be no sequel.

Language Notes: I refer to the Revolution as the `Bakumatsu'. The Ishin Shishi were a group of Imperialists.

Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu is Kenshin's sword style. The Ougi is the ultimate or final technique - the most powerful technique the style possesses.

All thoughts are in italics. Battousai's are in bold, to distinguish from Kenshin's, which are in italics. In the conversations between Kenshin and Battousai, Kenshin doesn't talk in the `rurouni' style (i.e. this one, that it is, etc.) because it's an internal conversation between his selves, which could get confusing if they're both that way, and, /whispers/ it's easier to write!

Warnings: No warnings, except for major angst.

 

 

Master Hiko had come to Kyoto for a brief visit, and he'd taken his thirteen-year-old apprentice with him. Now he was in a sake bar, enjoying a drink, and Kenshin, too young to go in, had been left to find his way back to their lodgings. He wasn't exactly lost, but more wandering because he had nothing else to do.

Kenshin stepped to the railing of the bridge, and peered over. According to the whispers of two women at the end of the bridge, a suicide `jumper' had used this bridge as their launch point to the next world only yesterday. The spring floods had enlarged the river to nearly twice its usual size, and its waters swirled chocolate with silt from the highlands.

To think, someone stood here, and thought of their own death. And then made it happen! He shuddered. It was horrible, knowing that someone might have stood in the same place that he did, and thought that they were such a burden on the world that they should kill themselves.

Thinking about wanting to die…

 

---

 

Nearly seven years after Kenshin had stood on the bridge contemplating how a person could want to die, he stood in the same place.

A lot had happened in that time.

The Bakumatsu had occurred.

During those years, the Tokugawa Shogunate had fallen, and Imperial power had been restored. The Meiji Era had begun.

The Imperialists who had fought had sometimes been extreme in their actions, as had the Shogun's forces, but the worst atrocities had been committed by the men known as hitokiri. They were the manslayers, the assassins, the trained killers of both sides.

And Kenshin had been one. The greatest, the most terrible, the most deadly. He had been Hitokiri Battousai.

But after the Bakumatsu, though Kenshin tried, he couldn't rid himself of the side of his personality that was the hitokiri, the heartless, cold killer. Kenshin knew that to prevent the wanton killing of innocents, he would have to fight the Battousai.

Fight until he lost, or he died.

 

---

 

Thinking about wanting to die again, he thought to himself, annoyed. I've been doing that too much lately!

But now wewould welcome death…you know it, Rurouni.

NO! I'll live! For the friends I lost, to protect those that need it!

You've killed too much to redeem yourself! Admit it!

No, Battousai, I'll redeem myself. I'll do my best. The Bakumatsu wasn't so terrible that I need to kill myself to pay back the blood.

Battousai chuckled in the back of Kenshin's head. You have to fight me every day, Rurouni. Don't you think that it would just be easier to kill yourself, and rid the world of both of us?

It would be easy… too easy! The easy road is not the best road. If I had taken the easy road in the Bakumatsu…

If you'd taken the easy road in the Bakumatsu, Rurouni, we wouldn't be having this conversation. You'd be a carefree young man, wandering the roads as a rurouni…

Which I do anyway! Kenshin snapped. Battousai snickered, but finished.

…or be mercenary to some upstart merchant, and I'd never have even existed.

And oh, how I long for that! Kenshin was annoyed now. Battousai had said that, or similar, in every conversation they'd had, to date.

Hah! You know that there's only one way to get rid of me!

Only one way…

Death is the only release you will ever have from me, Rurouni.

I know, Battousai. A deep sigh coursed through the man. Battousai was right. There was only one way that he could escape from his guilt, the blood on his hands.

You know I'm right. That guilt you feel is too much. You are the one who single-handedly has killedfive hundred - or more. I've lost count…

You may have lost count, Battousai, but I haven't. I see them in my dreams every night.

And do you think that they would forgive you?

Only one would… Tomoe…

Your beloved wife… hah! How could she understand what you've done? She wouldn't have forgiven you if she'd really understood!

Tomoe… Tomoe would have forgiven me! Kenshin's mental voice was anguished. Tomoe loved me!

She's the only one who's ever loved you! She was a fluke! Battousai's voice was cruel, beating down on the depressed rurouni's head, driving him to his knees, clutching the bridge's railing.

He pulled himself up, and collapsed on the rail, leaning far over, gazing into the dark-blue water. It looked inviting, a cloth of soft midnight velvet ready to swaddle him deep and welcome him to the darkest of the seven hells.

It will welcome you so softly, Rurouni… Welcome us to Hell…

Hell… I deserve that…

The redhead pushed himself up onto the rail, standing on the thin piece of wood that would be his springboard to the next world.

Lifting his hands high above his head, he took a deep breath.

 

---

 

“Help! Help! My baby!”

In his self-absorption, Kenshin hadn't noticed the crowd that had gathered at one end of the bridge. They were gathered near a small house adjacent to the riverbank. Smoke was pouring out of the door and windows, the thatched roof already starting to catch alight.

“Please! Someone, anyone! She's in there! MY BABY'S IN THERE!” A woman was frantically running around the front rows of the crowd, pleading with the spectators to help. They simply shrugged her off, fascinated by the flicker of flames.

A little child… an innocent… a little girl who doesn't deserve death! The woman's pleading for her daughter's life snapped Kenshin's resolve to end his own. I can aid the girl…

With his customary grace, Kenshin leaped off the railing, and sprinted for the house. Shoving and elbowing his way through the crowd, he grabbed the mother by the shoulders.

“Where is she!? What room!?” Kenshin snapped out, authoritative.

The woman stared up into his face, shock and hope warring for control on her face. “You can help?”

“Yes. Tell this one where she is!”

“The back room - by the bathtub. Please hurry! Please… get her out! The fire started near there - she's in danger!” Desperate hope filled the woman's voice.

The redhead turned around, facing the wall of flame that was threatening to engulf the front of the tiny house. It was only a matter of time before the roof beams caught light, and then the little house and its sole tiny occupant were doomed to destruction - the blazing beams would break, and fall, crushing and burning.

“Does anyone have a scarf this one can borrow?” he asked. A woman hesitantly offered a red woollen shawl, her eyes nervously flickering to the sword at Kenshin's side. Kenshin bowed, then strode over to the water cistern - which, heavy as it was, hadn't been tipped over the fire. Opening the tap, he soaked the scarf, then wrapped it around his nose and mouth. Then, he opened the sluice gate - generally used for cleaning the cistern - and stood under it, soaking himself to the bone.

Only then did he walk up to the fire's perimeter.

“Will you be safe in there?” asked a man.

Kenshin turned, and the gusting of the fire caught his damp hair, and the scarf. Flying around his head, they glowed bloodily in the flames. For a moment it seemed that his eyes became hot coals, flickering amber and red.

“This one has faced the dragon. This one is not afraid.”

 

---

 

Once inside the house, Kenshin found that his task was easier than it looked from the outside - The wattle-and-daub walls were intact, only the paper screens and tatami mats on the floor were on fire. The greenness of the mats meant that they burnt only raggedly, producing a lot of smoke, but no flames. It was the paper screens that were the major problem. The bamboo frames were burning merrily, though the oiled paper that was the covering had long since incinerated.

Hand over his mouth, holding the makeshift mask in place, he moved rapidly through the house, his godlike speed affording him some close escapes where others would have been hit by the falling screens.

At the back of the house, as the woman had described, was a room with a bathtub. At the base of it was a small box. Over the crackle of flames, a thin thread of sound floated up - a child's crying.

Kenshin crouched, scooping up the squalling bundle from its bed, relieved that the smoke hadn't smothered the tiny girl. Snatching a few of the rags that formed her pillow, he wrapped them around her face, hoping that they would hold off the worst of the smoke.

As his fingers flew with godlike speed, the child looked at his face, and blinked, then gurgled, muffled. Kenshin smiled. “Yes, that's right, you like this one, that you do. We're going to get out, that we are.” He rose, placing the child in the flap of his magenta gi, for further protection.

An ominous creaking from the beams above warned him, and he leapt away, as the beam, flaming, came down on the bathtub, which caught light fast.

The return to the front of the house was easier than the journey there - the bamboo frames had mostly fallen away, and while they were now a blazing mass where the passage had once been, Kenshin's abilities allowed him to clear them easily.

 

---

 

The young mother paced in from of the house, terrified for her child and the kind stranger who had tried to rescue her.

With a crash, one of the paper screens off the front of the house fell, and she stopped in horror as she heard other screens begin to fall. The slim chance that the stranger could get out with her child was now nearly gone.

Then, she heard a deeper crash from the back of the house. The beams were coming down. The crowd murmured in fascination, and the young mother's face went as white as a sheet.

Ka-ching!

One of the front screens fell in half, and with a blur of magenta, white and red, the stranger landed in a fighting crouch, clutching a bundle to his chest. His sword was out, swinging up to halt extended horizontally. The crowd gasped at the sight of someone using a sword so openly, and then, their voices rose as they saw that the sword was a sakabato, its blade-edge and dull-edge reversed.

The young mother had frozen when she saw the stranger bursting out of the house, but now, as he straightened and sheathed his sword one-handed, she rushed forwards, hands outstretched.

Kenshin held the child out to her. She took it, and unwrapped the rags from its mouth. The little girl gave a healthy squall, and relief flooded the mother's face, as tears flooded her eyes.

“Thank you…!” she said, in between sobs. She raised sparkling eyes to Kenshin, the tears tracing lines on her pretty face.

“You are welcome, that you are,” replied Kenshin, bowing deeply. He walked over to the woman who had lent him her shawl, unwrapping it from his face. He held it out to her, bowing once again. She took it with a smile.

“Now I know where I've seen you!” a shout echoed across the crowd. A young man pushed to the front of the crowd. “You're an Ishin Shishi, aren't you?”

Kenshin, troubled that this man might know something about him, only nodded, a slight frown on his face. The crowd muttered in approval of the Ishin Shishi, and particularly this one's actions.

The young man leant forwards, and half-whispered, “You were Hitokiri Battousai, right?”

Kenshin's purple eyes were wide and stunned. He'd never had witnesses, and their base had been populated by people of discretion. How had this boy got information on him?

The mutters of the crowd were hostile now. Hitokiri Battousai had been feared by all, not just the supporters of the Shogunate.

“No, this one is not the Hitokiri,” replied Kenshin, pasting on what would later be called his `rurouni smile'. “This one is merely a rurouni, a wandering samurai.”

Sighs of relief echoed through the crowd, but when Kenshin turned to make his way away, the people still parted in apprehension.

“Wait!” the young mother cried out. “Why did you do this? What do I owe you?”

Kenshin's `rurouni smile' was still firmly in place. “You do not owe this one anything, that you do not,” he replied.

“But…”

“This one does not do this for payment, but in repentance,” Kenshin's smile faded somewhat as scenes that needed atonement flashed through his mind.

“For the Bakumatsu…?” queried the young man quietly. He knew that this man was more than a mere rurouni, and was certain that he was, or knew, the infamous Hitokiri Battousai.

“Yes, for the Bakumatsu, that it is,” replied Kenshin, with a brief, sharp look at the man who had questioned him. Then, turning on his heel, he strode away.

 

---

 

Long years of wandering took Kenshin to many places, but never to Kyoto. Both consciously and unconsciously, he avoided the city that had been the scene of the killings he had committed.

It wasn't until he was once again asked to aid Japan that he returned. This time, though he came to Kyoto alone, his friends followed.

Sagara Sanosuke, the loudmouthed, rooster-headed ex-fighter-for-hire, was with him when he defeated Shishio Makoto, the insane swordsman who wanted to take over Japan.

Kamiya Kaoru, a feisty kenjutsu teacher, and the woman he secretly loved, came after him, even though he had tried to prevent her.

Myoujin Yahiko, an ex-pickpocket and Kaoru's student, came with his teacher, determined to bring back the man he hero-worshipped.

They followed him, and aided him. Sano encouraged him when he felt like giving up in the fight. Yahiko's enthusiasm and love of life sustained him through his long recovery.

But what meant most to him was that when he was seriously wounded, Kaoru never left his side. It taught him to hope, to think that perhaps Kaoru might return some of his feelings.

But the hope pushed his mind into turmoil. He had no idea how to respond, how to react, how to court Kaoru. He was totally uncertain, completely at sea.

And his uncertainty opened a door for Battousai to return.

 

---

 

The warrior spirit was closer to the surface than he'd ever been before, since Kenshin first forced him back.

Long internal conversations ran through Kenshin's mind, and eventually, the Rurouni managed to discover what Battousai's true purpose was in wanting Kenshin to die.

I want release, Rurouni… I don't want to be tied to you any longer… but only death will release me!

Can't you be released any other way? asked the Rurouni, curious despite his resistance to Battousai.

Battousai ignored him, and continued with his musings. …perhaps Kenshin was born with two souls. Two so-different souls. Souls are only released in death…

 

---

 

Rurouni grew exhausted with keeping back Battousai, and thus Kenshin, still recovering from the fight with Shishio, was weak and healing slowly.

The peaceful spirit knew that despite the difficulty in holding back the Battousai, he had one thing that ensured he would win: the strength he had gained with the Hiten Mitsurugi Ryu Ougi: Amekakeru Ryu No Hirameki.

Kenshin had nearly won the fight, when he overheard a conversation between Kaoru and Misao.

“But why,” Misao was asking, “do you love him? He's got a shady past.”

Kenshin could here a smile in Kaoru's voice as she replied. “But he's changed from that past - now he's a good man. He doesn't… he isn't… a fighter anymore.”

Sano… thought Kenshin instantly. She's talking about Sano. She loves Sano…

With a hurried rustle, he rose, just as the screen was pushed open. Not seeing Kaoru's blush as she realised he would have overheard, he swept past her, red fringe covering his eyes, unreadable.

Sensing his anger and sadness, Kaoru's blush faded, and she followed his jerking steps along the veranda. Grabbing his hand, and turning him to face her, she looked into his eyes.

Anguish written there caused her to gasp. “Kenshin…”

“Be happy with Sano,” was all he said, then wrenched his hand out of her grasp, and walked away - fast.

Kaoru stood, stunned, for a moment, then, as Misao came up behind her, she realised what Kenshin must have heard, what he must have thought.

“Misao, Kenshin thinks… he thinks I love Sano, not him… I have to go and tell him! Tell the others not to worry… we'll be fine.”

The little ninja's brows creased in confusion, but as Kaoru rushed off, following Kenshin, she realised what had happened, and went to find Sano and Yahiko.

 

---

 

Amekakeru Ryu No Hirameki would not allow the Battousai to take over, but if Kenshin willingly released control, that strength he had gained in the Ougi was null and void.

Kenshin let go, giving up the fight.

Battousai, do as you will.

 

---

 

Battousai placed his hands on the rail, determined. He knew that this was the only way he could achieve release. The only way to achieve atonement.

Suddenly, a soft body slammed into him, sandwiching him against the rail.

“No! Kenshin! You can't! You can't leave me!” A voice Battousai recognised all too well pleaded with him.

Two slim arms wrapped around his waist, holding him close to her with all her might. Her head came down to rest on his shoulder.

“Kenshin, please… please don't leave me…” Now there was a sob in Kaoru's voice.

Kaoru shouldn't cry… Rurouni's voice weaved its way into Battousai's consciousness, and suddenly, the warrior spirit agreed. Kaoru was too precious, to beautiful a woman to have her face stained with tears.

“Kaoru, I am a burden to this world.” Kaoru felt the deep voice vibrate through her. She knew who the voice was, she knew what had happened. The man continued, “I do not want to be here. I have taken too much from this world, and I will have to atone for it. I want release.”

“Battousai…?” A tentative whisper probed, searching for the true identity of the man she was holding.

Amber eyes winced at the whisper. “Are you afraid of me, Kaoru?” A bitter thought surfaced. I know what she'll say… everyone is afraid of me…

“No.”

A brief, stunned silence greeted the word, then an incredulous voice asked, “What?!”

“You are Kenshin. Whether you're the Rurouni or the Battousai, I know you're Kenshin, and I know you would never hurt me.” Absolutely certain that this was the right thing to say, to do, Kaoru briefly looked up from the man's shoulder, glimpsing the curve of his face beneath the red hair. “I love you, whether you're the warrior or the peacemaker.”

She laid her head back down, and snuggled in closer, then thought of what he had said about himself.

“You're not a burden, Kenshin. Love makes any burden weightless. A person you love is never a burden.”

 

---

 

Amber eyes stared out along the river, watching the falling sun.

She loves me…

She loves me…

She loves us… / She loves us…

Then amber was intruded with violet, and Kenshin's eyes swirled with indecision.

Which should we be?

Warrior or peacemaker?

She wouldbe better with the Rurouni.

She loves both of us! Don't…

I will let go of the body's control, Rurouni. For Kaoru's sake.

Battousai… how can you give up something so precious…?

Because I know that she will be happier with you, Rurouni. The deep voice was sad, yet resigned to what it must do. I would give up anything for Kaoru.

Rurouni knew instinctively that, despite Battousai's words, if he, or someone he loved, was in danger, Battousai would appear from the depths of his mind. And the temptation to give in to the warrior within him would be so seductive.

A deep sigh coursed through him, and his now-purple eyes dropped once more to the velvety water that whispered around the bridge's posts.

He turned within the circle of Kaoru's arms. As she looked up at him, his arms slipped around her back, and he buried his face in her neck.

Kaoru stood for a second, half-stunned. This was only the second time Kenshin had hugged her, and his face against her neck meant that she could feel every breath.

“Kaoru… thank you…” The light voice of the Rurouni whispered, and she could feel his lips moving against her skin.

He lifted his head, and he rested his cheek against hers. Once again, he whispered her name. “Kaoru…” Feeling a shiver from the woman, he smiled.

You dorealise what you're doing to her, don't you, Rurouni? said Battousai's voice, out of nowhere.

I thought you were going… Kenshin's thought was annoyed.

I'm not gone yet, replied the warrior spirit. And this is too interesting notto watch…

Very well…

Kenshin's lips brushed along Kaoru's cheek, a gentle kiss. As he pulled away, Kaoru's eyes slowly opened, and she stared up at him, scarcely daring to believe what had just happened.

“Kenshin… did you…?” Her voice was full of amazement.

Amusement shone in his eyes. “Did this one do what?”

“Kiss me…?” Kaoru finished her sentence in a whisper.

“Yes,” replied Kenshin, and lowered his lips to her cheek again.

Kaoru gasped at the velvety touch, and instinctively turned her head to meet his lips with hers.

Sweet and gentle, the first kiss was heaven and earth meeting - perfection.

Drawing back, purple and blue met, and asked the question, `Was that right?' Both pairs of eyes answered a definite `yes'.

Kenshin cupped Kaoru's face with one hand, and pulled her closer with the other. Another kiss, bolder this time, dropped on her lips.

Another, and another, and another passed between the two, and eventually they lost count, simply glorying in the realisation that they were loved by the other.

 

---

 

“I wondered when you'd get around to that,” yelled a voice from the end of the bridge. Kenshin and Kaoru's lips flew apart, and they stared at source of the sound.

It was Sano. Behind him, they could see Yahiko, gagging at the kissing.

Two pairs of cheeks went bright red, but Kenshin held on to Kaoru when she would have moved away. Instead, he left his arm around her waist, and gently tugged, urging her to come with him. Kaoru looked up at him, the blush fading on her cheeks. Kenshin smiled down at her, and motioned with his head towards the two at the end of the bridge. Kaoru answered his smile with one of her own, and rested her head on his shoulder.

They strolled down towards Sano and Yahiko, Kenshin's arm still around Kaoru's waist, Kaoru leaning against the redhead.

Sano winced at the attitude of the two, and commented, “You two lovebirds need to get a room.”

At this, Kenshin and Kaoru each invented another new shade of red, and Yahiko snickered at them. When Kaoru, still very pink, glared at him, the boy wisely decided that extra practise was not a good thing, and shut up.

I think I can leave you here, said Battousai's voice, as they reached the end of the bridge.

And suddenly the touch of the Battousai's mind was fading away from Rurouni's. But a last sentence lingered, Battousai's last warning.

Live happily with Kaoru, but know I am still here.

 

 

Author's Notes: This fic basically wrote itself.

Can anyone say waff? Or meringue - sweet and fluffy! I think I write too much fluff… Ah well. It's fun, and this was kinda angsty as well…

If you are considering suicide yourself, please, talk to someone. Let them know. They may be able to help. Suicide is never the easy way out… it will deeply hurt those close to you. Let them help you carry your problems. As Kaoru said, “A person you love is never a burden.” You, and your troubles, will never be a burden to those who truly love you.

You are a person who has a purpose and a meaning in life. Find that purpose, find that meaning, and find the people who will support you in them.

 

 

Plotline

Kenshin at bridge, thinking about `jumper'

Bakumatsu explanation - 7-year break

Kenshin/Battousai conversation, considering suicide

On the rail, about to jump, hears call for help.

Saves little girl from fire

Kenshin/Battousai conversation, Kenshin rejects suicide

Twelve year break

Kenshin on bridge, remembers conversation

Battousai resurfaces

Kenshin fights Battousai for a week, finally loses

Battousai about to commit suicide

Kaoru, ?Sano intervene

Long talk, much angst

Kenshin goes off bridge, Battousai lurks in bottom of mind