Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] None yet suggestions welcome in Reviews! ❯ Chapter 3

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Mike stood at the counter with both 'bots flanking him on the sides,
Crow to the right and Tom to the left. Behind all three stood a
filmstrip screen. Mike started, "When out and about with your family,
tragedy can strike you at any moment."

Crow continued, "You may be walking without a care in the world,
completely oblivious to the dangers lurking, ready to strike."

"And if you live in Japan, your chance to live is decreased by 450%!"
Tom exclaimed.

"So, as a public service, we present... the Bradygames Guide to
Vending Machines!" all three intoned.

"Okay, Cambot, fire up the chromakey," Mike asked. On the screen,
Cambot flashed an image of a typical snack machine, eight rows by four
of chips and candy bars.

"This here's Snackmore Mountain," Tom said. "75-100 HP, sometimes
all the way up to 300 MP"

"These guys are most common, and they will most likely cause you
grief and attack. They usually only eat your change, but there are
times that they eat your change, your snack, and try to hit you for
the trouble. You can shake them, but it only serves to make them
madder!" Mike stated. "Next, Cambot?"

Cambot showed a picture of a typical soda pop machine. "Next up,
we've got Cannonball Murphy," Crow instructed. "They hide their
ammunition well. If you're lucky, all you'll get is the wrong

"They've been known to shoot out soda projectiles, which not only
damage your knees and feet but also the cans of soda will explode just
like Jokey Smurf presents," Tom continued. "They can also hide their
projectiles so the unsuspecting will reach their hand inside, only for
it to be bitten off!" Tom looked at Mike and groused, "Hey, you gave me
that line intentionally!"

"Let's not get distracted!" Mike replied brusquely. "Last, we've got
the granddaddy of them all... next, Cambot?" Cambot flashed an Aquafina
machine. "Okay, here's the most evil of them all. Watery Grave, 500
HP, 25 MP. You find these things at yuppie-type hippy-dippy places like
zoos and museums. You're typically weak from needing water, the owners
of these hippy-dippy places deliberately keep either dirty or no water
fountains, so this one combines all the charm of the soda machine with
the ability to steal your money and make you feel like a fool." Mike
looked at the 'Bots. "Any questions?" The lights started flashing
wildly as the bridge shook. "Too late, we've got FIC SIGN!"

(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate.)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: It's a garage door. You have to open it manually.)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well.)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia.)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you

Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the third
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. Crow sat in the far right

>Chapter 11

All: <loudly imitate slide whistle>

>She watched Ami.

Mike: We watch her.
Tom: You watch us.
Crow: They watch them.
All: Who watches the watchers?

>"This is it," she thought. "Tomorrow, I will have to get her alone. The
>princess will be revealed, one way or another.

Mike: And right back to the softcore porn.

>I cannot afford to wait any longer." She jumped down from the tree

Tom: This teen suicide brought to you by 'Twilight'! Life is agony,
death is dandy! Choose death today!
Crow: So, final thoughts, guys?
Tom: GREAT ending.
Mike: <chuckles> Yeah.

>"Ami has to be the moon princess. She is always being protected, and
>she repelled the beam. She will join the cause. There is no time

All: <singing> Though you die, La Resistance lives on!

>"Hold it, Kotanam," said a familiar voice. She heaved a sigh, and
>turned to face Sailor Mercury.

Mike <Baby Herman>: How many times are we gonna do this damn scene!?

>"You again?"
>"I should say the same of you, Kotanam," the other Senshi replied.

Crow: Heh, when your two lead actresses openly complain about
interacting with each other, you've got problems...

>"Really, Sailor Kotanam, taking to spying on young girls? I would have
>expected that from your Guardian 'friends' but not from you."

Tom <Kotanam>: My internet is down, leave me alone.

>"Get lost, Mercury. This isn't your fight. You've made that quite
>"You are on my turf now, Kotanam. You were at the mall when there was
>an attack.

Crow: The Mall of Mercury, where Zombies shop free!
Mike <Mercury>: Next time, be sure to find the armor upgrade near the
escalator, and try the shotgun near the west exit.

>These guys are following you, and you are endangering my friends."
>Mercury crossed her arms. "I don't want to hurt you, Kotanam. But if
>you keep bringing ill luck on my friends. . . ."

Mike <Mercury>: If Sailor Moon trips one more time....

>"There is no such thing as luck," Kotanam shot back. "You make your

Mike: So anything you make doesn't exist? The sandwich I had for lunch
never happened?

>"Then you admit this is all your fault?"
>"Yes!" she exclaimed angrily. "But you know what, it is not just your
>friends in danger.

Crow <Kotanam>: It's your enemies too! Yeah, just think about that for
a moment!

>My friends, my people, they are all in danger too. Don't you understand

Tom <Kotanam>: Messa people gonna...!
Mike <Mercury>: Die.

>"All I have is your word. I trust you about as far as I can throw you."

Tom: So this is what would have happened if the Council of Elrond was
comprised of teenaged girls.

>"The Guardians have attacked you too!"
>Sailor Mercury frowned.
>"How do I know that they aren't attacking by your order?

Crow <Kotanam>: Well, for one thing, I don't end my attack orders with

>Show me proof, and I will believe you. Otherwise, get out of my city,
>get off my world!"

Tom <Kotanam>: If you give me a towel first, you'd be one hoopy frood.

>Kotanam sighed heavily.
>"I can't do that, Mercury."

Mike: She doesn't have exact change.

>"Hey, Princess," called a familiar voice. Kotanam froze. Out of the
>shadows stepped a Senshi in an all black uniform. Only the jew of her
>tiara was coloured.

All: <laughs>
Tom: She was a senshi... on the roof!
Mike: Tra-DI-TION!

>It was blood red.

Crow: Not diaper rash red, got it.

>"Sister, no, not you," Kotanam whispered. "Sailor of Anger, please,

Crow: Fight MegaSenshi! For everlasting peace!

>"I have accepted the power, Princess. You should too. There is much of


>"Power is more of a curse, especially the power you wield."

Crow <Anger>: At least SIXTY amps! Beat that, Toolman!

>She raised her staff to protect herself. "I don't know how Hibroy keeps
>sending you after me, but it ends. Surrender, or I am afraid I will
>have to kill you." Her voice broke.

Crow <Anger>: P-Please surrender, I can't even swat a fly without

>"Ha," replied the Senshi of Anger, her older sister, Kali.
>"You can't kill me. You would never lay a hand on your own sister."

Mike: This is where we find out that the author never had an older
Tom <Kotanam>: Actually, I battled the Senshi of Lust last week and
things got a little weird...
Crow: Why couldn't we get a detailed description of THAT?

>"I have no such qualms," Mercury said.
>"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" The Senshi of Anger leapt out of the way.

Tom: Sailor Anger could kick Sailor Charon's ass.
Crow: Sailor Calypso's cuter.
Tom: It's only because she gets you high first.

>Kotanam raised her staff. She could not risk Kotanam gate. Hibroy's
>troops could escape, some how.

Mike <Kotanam>: Oh, come on, author! Would they escape or not!? I need
to know NOW!
Crow <author>: I... I don't know yet! Buy me some time! I need to
Mike <Kotanam>: Geez...

>She had to do something.
>"Freeze!" came a new voice. "In the name of the moon, I command you to

Crow <Ignignokt>: Prepare for a pride obliterating bitch slap, in front
of your closest friends!

>"Who are you?" demanded Kali with a laugh. "Another of this planet's
>sad lesser senshi?"
>"I am Sailor Moon, champion of the moon.

Tom: She beat Steven Seagal in the finals.

>I will right wrongs and triumph over evil. And that means you." Kali
>burst out laughing.

Tom <Moon>: Yeah, yeah, laugh it up, sister senshi, I'll see you NEVER
work in fanfiction again!
Mike <Mercury>: I wouldn't worry, Moon, there was a good chance of that
happening anyway.

>Kotanam tensed. Sailor Moon was real then, and not just one of Serena's
>tales. Then she had to be the Moon Princess!

Crow: Brilliant deduction, Holmes. What gave it away?
Tom <Kotanam>: Which means she's moonlighting!

>Kotanam looked up at the window. Amy was gone!

Tom <Kotanam>: Dammit, I should've tied her up when I had the chance.

>Sailor Moon stepped out of the darkness. Her long golden hair was up in
>round, meatball shaped buns with pigtails coming down.

Mike: If Chun-Li and Cammy had a child...

>Kotanam didn't know what to think of it. They reminded her of
>something, of someone, but she couldn't quite place it.

Crow <Kotanam>: Wait, I've got it! Chef Boyardee!

>"Sailor Moon!" shouted Sailor Mercury, "do it!"
>"Got it, Mercury. Moon healing ACTIVATION!"
>Bright light blinded Kotanam.

Tom <Moon>: My name is Alan Wake. I'm a writer.

>The light surrounded Kali. Kali cried out, and slumped to the ground.
>Kotanam rushed to her side. Her sister's eyes opened. She whispered her

Tom <Kali>: Anger...
Crow <Kotanam>: No, MY name, stupid!

>"Hush, I'm here," she whispered. "I'm here now." Kotanam stood, and
>looked for Sailor Moon. But both Senshi were gone.

Mike: Because 'Sailor Moon Says' waits for no man.
Tom <Mercury>: I... have to leave too because... I don't... want to hang
around with you... bye!

>Kotanam smiled.
>"Thank you, Sailor Moon," she whispered to the wind. "You have given me
>a great gift."

Mike: Ooh, a spatula... she DOES care.
Tom: Aww, it was just the tenth spatula that she got for a penny.

>Chapter 12:
>She grinned over at Amy, hoping the girl did not realize that anything
>was out of the ordinary.

Tom <Amy>: Why are you grinning at... *gasp* You're Sailor Kotanam and
you want to kill my friend to get the Moon Crystal!!
Crow <Ky>: No wonder I play chess, I SUCK at poker!

>"Where to?" Ami asked, smiling.
>"The library," she replied. "But I need to get something from the mall
>"The mall? What?"

All: Cinnabon!
Crow <Ky>: Sailor Kotan... err, I forgot my venti latte near the

>"A book I promised I'd get my sister. I saw it when I was with Serena
>and Rini, but I never had a chance to get it."

Mike <Ami>: You really think the novelization of 'Sex and the City II'
will be any better than the movie?

>"All right, to the mall then. Come on, there's a short cut going
>through the underground parking lot."

Crow <Ami>: Funny, this is eerily similar to the route I took to see
President Clinton.

>"Perfect," Ky replied, feelings of guilt washing through her.
>She was betraying Ami, she knew, but if she didn't, could she bear the

Mike: Could she avoid sounding like a synopsis of a B-movie?

>Could she handle losing this friend too, just for the mission?

Tom: Could she restore a previously saved game if she was wrong?
Mike <Ky>: Please God, let there be a CHECKPOINT...

>"Something wrong?" Ami asked.
>"Naw, I'm fine," she lied. Always lying. Never letting others know who
>she truly was. Why did she have to go through this, over and over

Mike <Ky>: Even worse.... A!... I have to do these... Ba!... stupid
quick time events... L1 + R1!... every freaking time!

>The parking lot was empty, which was abnormal. Ami tensed as she
>realized they were all alone.

Crow: Then Ami screamed as a polygon Ky tried to kick the stuffing out
of her while crappy Ad-Lib music played in the background.

>"Ky, we'd better turn back. Something's wrong in here."
>"Aw, it's fine, Ami."

Tom: Scary Fanfic -- No mercy. No shame. No title.

>"No, really, Ky. It's like this place has been abandoned and. . ." She
>screamed as the metal door slid down, blocking the only way out.

Tom: The only way out of a MALL PARKING LOT, ladies and gentlemen.
Crow: Someone must've taken a pack of mints from Target.

>"I'm sorry, Ami, I really am," Ky whispered. She brought out a little
>crystal sphere, and she threw it at Ami. It exploded, wrapping around
>the girl.

Crow: Crystal sphere... that's just one of the Joker's old props!
Mike: I see SOMEONE made a side-trip to Spencer's.

>"Who are you?" Ami cried, her face a look of horror. "Why are you doing
>this to me?"

Tom <Ky>: Oh, Ami, Ami, Ami... I was going to let you go... but you
simply know too much...
Mike <Ami>: *gasps* You're a dirty senshi on the take!?
Crow: This is just like "The Wire". Except it isn't.

>"Are you the Moon Princess?" Ky demanded. Ami quailed, and tried to
>fight it. A low moan escaped her throat.

Mike: Uh, exactly what is that crystal sphere DOING to her?
Tom: CBC After Hours.

>Ky stared at Ami in disbelief. Ami was not the Moon Princess? How could
>that be?

Crow: Disney already copyrighted "princess" and sued Ami's ass all the
way to infinity and beyond.

>"Do you know who is?" she demanded, frustration seeping into her voice.
>Again, Ami tried to fight it.

Crow: ...moaning softly while little beads of sweat gently slid down her
sensual silky neck...
Tom <Ky>: Hey, I can do you... THIS! ...all night if I have to!

>"Yes," she admitted, her voice weak. Tears were streaming down her
>face. Ky felt her heart wrench, but she had to know.

Tom <Ky>: But feel free to keep fighting... my, it's getting hot in
here, isn't it?

>The Silver Crystal had to be hers.
>"Who is it?"

Crow <Ami>: The moon princess.... is all of us.
Tom <Ky>: I didn't come here for your new-age bullcrap, Ami.

>The field around Ami shattered as a bright ball of flame swept by.

Mike: Richard Simmons saves the day!

>Ky jumped into Ami, knocking her to the ground, out of the way.

Crow <Gorilla Monsoon>: High cross body! 1... 2...!

>"You should be more careful when using your toys, Princess," Donald
>said, his voice dripping with venom.

Tom: Talk about picking your poison. Thank you!

>"And now your poor friend will die as well."
>"Let the girl go, Earth. She is of no use to you."

Mike <Ami>: I wasn't aware I was being held.

>"Or you'll what, Princess? Send us back to the void? So that we can
>escape again?" He was laughing.

Tom <Ky>: Well, duh! How else will we reach 52 episodes and get a sweet
syndication deal?

>Ky clutched her transformation pen. She had no choice.
>"If you hurt her, Earth, I will kill you."

Mike: She'll start with CFCs and move to some good old-fashioned carbon

>"Oh, I will not hurt her. Master Hibroy wishes to speak to the one who
>can repel his powers."

Crow <Ami>: As soon as we're done with these dorks, I am SO kicking your

>Ky stood, pulling the pen out of her pocket. Ami stood up next to her.

Tom <Ami>: Ooh, autographs! I've got my book!

>"Ami, run. Get out of here while you still can."

Crow <Ami>: Roger!
Tom <Ky>: Ha, now it's one against... two. What the hell am I doing!?

>"I am not leaving," the girl replied stubbornly. "And these Guardians
>are going to fall once and for all. Scouts! Come to me!"

Mike: What, are they going to spawn in the corner and camp in a sniping

>"No one can get in," Donald laughed.
>"Or out," Daniel added.

Crow <Ami>: Yeah, thanks Ky.
Tom <Ky>: Well, we could always start an ABBA cover band.

>"Never under estimate the senshi. Not even Sailor Mercury. Mercury
>Crystal Power!"
>Ky stared, amazed, as Ami became Sailor Mercury. Everything suddenly
>made sense.

Mike <Ky>: Metal Gear! NOW I get it! And it's STILL retarded!
Tom: Oh crap, Ky already skipped ahead to Disc 2.

>"Kotanam Star Power!" she cried, hoping to take advantage of the

Crow: Only to be bitterly disappointed when Piers Morgan, Sharon
Osbourne and Howie Mandel buzzed her out in short order.

>"So, you have joined up with a lesser senshi," Donald observed with a
>little laugh. "Are you going to tickle me to death with your little
>bubbles, or splash me with your fearsome water?"

Crow <Ami>: Hokay, that's it! Get out your chessboard! I'm going to
destroy you in EIGHT moves!

>"I'm warning you both, step down, or we'll be forced to destroy you,"
>Ami said.

Mike: <Deep Throat> Quiet, you little snots, we're trying to bring down
a president over here!

>Daniel snorted, and raised his hands above his head, preparing for an

Tom: Don't tell me... a crane kick, right?
Mike: In a parking garage? How's he not hitting the ceiling?

>A rose came out of nowhere, and he screamed, clutching his hand.

Tom: Let that be a lesson, never give a handjob to a rose.

>Ky looked up. There were five senshis standing on a ledge, and the top
>hat-wearing Guardian known as Tuxedo Mask was on the ground below them.

Crow <Tuxy>: Ugh, I have been vanquished... carry on without me, brave
Tom <Moon>: Are you trying to look up our skirts?
Crow <Tuxy>: Shh... I grow faint now.

>"Stop right there!," Sailor Moon proclaimed, jumping down. The littlest
>senshi, who appeared to be no more then a child, followed her.

Crow <Moon>: She imprinted on me, we haven't been able to shake her

>"I am Sailor Moon," she proclaimed.
>"And I am Sailor Chibi-Moon," the little one added. Ky felt her stomach
>drop. Two Moon Princesses?

Crow: And they're both Druish, too.
Tom: There was an awkward pause as Ky began ralphing all over the
Mike <Moon>: Uh, maybe we should continue this fight on THAT side of the

>"Together we will right wrongs and triumph over evil, and that
>"Shut up."

Crow <Moon>: "Shut up"? Oh boy, mister, you're in for one HECK of a
scolding now!

>"Sailor Moon!" Ami called, "better end it now! These guys are
>"You got it, Mercury! Moon Healing Activation!!!"
>Silver light filled the room, and Sailor Moon began to glow pink.

Crow <Mercury>: She's a lava lamp in her spare time.
Mike <Kotanam>: I've got a poster of a mushroom in my bedroom that I
really want to have her stand next to.
Crow <Mercury>: Before or after the doobies?
Mike <Kotanam>: During?
Crow <Mercury>: I'll bring the Doritos.
Mike <Kotanam>: I'll bring more Doritos.

>Ky had to shield her eyes. She stumbled back, holding on to her
>staff. She could hear Daniel and Donald screaming. Suddenly,
>everything was quiet and calm once more.

Crow: Ronald Emmerich wouldn't make another movie for years.

>Daniel and Donald were on the ground, gasping. They looked up at her
>and smiled, relief in their eyes, blue and brown alike.

Tom: Ky actually stands for Ky-opectate.

>Ky let out a sigh, and she ran to them, embracing them in a hug.

Crow <Ky>: Yeah, yeah, I love you this much. Now beat it, will ya?

>The other senshis were gone, even Mercury, but Ky wasn't worried.

Mike: Well, where'd they go?
Tom: To validate their parking?
Mike: [bitterly] Dang them, I had a ticket for them to grab too!

>She knew where Ami was, and she knew how to track her down.

Crow: Searching for Amy Fischer

>Now all she had to figure out was why there were two Moon Princesses.

Mike: Evil Spock gave symposiums on the mirror universe decades ago and
we've been paying for it through bad fanfiction ever since.

>She smiled at her friends.
>"Kotanam," Donald said softly, "thank you." He handed her the staff.
>Ky stared in amazement at the green ribbon, her green ribbon, that was
>tied to the staff.

Tom <staff>: I used to be a tree, now I'm dead. Think about it.

>She just shook her head. Mercury would never cease to amaze her.

Mike <Kotanam>: What a gal! Well, back to hunting her down to resume
torturing her for information!

>Chapter 13:

Crow <Kevin Costner>: I'm yah puhlittlekul adviswah! They wanna WAH,

>Ami paced back and forth.

Tom <Ami>: I really have to do this for the next year? Sigh, the things
I do for a research grant...

>Ky was Kotanam. The thought just did not sit right with her. Ky was so
>animated, and Sailor Kotanam was cold.

Crow: Kotanam kept stealing the covers from her, every night!

>"Serena, you and Rini had better watch out. Ky's living in your house.

Tom: Here she comes! She's KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR!
Crow <Rini>: Come on, Chicken Heart, you won't come near smoke and fire
and Jell-O!

>She knows who I am, and it won't be long before she figures out who you

Mike: She downloaded 'The Internet Spy and You', it's only a matter of
moments now!

>"She's not getting my Crystal," Serena replied, touching her locket.
>"Don't worry, Ames."

Tom <Serena>: I locked it in my Keyper and lost the key. It's cool.

>"Ami! Serena!" cried Rei, running from the temple. "Watch it!" Ami
>screamed and rolled out of the way as a Kotanam Gate opened below her

Crow <Plucky Duck>: Fanfic go down the hooooole...
Mike: So, hiding under your desk won't give you adequate protection from
the threat of portable hole annihilation?

>"Kotanam!" she cried angrily. "You leave my friends alone."
>Ky stepped from the bushes, in her senshi form.

Tom <Kotanam>: Ahhh... okay, that's done. Now to business!

>Behind her were two senshi, Sailor Anger and Sailor of Woods, and the
>two Guardians, Fire and Earth.

Crow: So, she had Bill O'Reilly, Ted Kaczynski, Heat Miser, and the

>"What do you want, Kotanam?" Ami demanded, stepping in front of Serena.
>"The Silver Crystal," she said simply. "Hand it over, Princess."
>"I don't have it. You know that."

Tom <Ami>: Why settle for second? Go for the Gold Crystal, baby!

>"I wasn't talking to you, Ami." Ky fixed her cold gaze on Serena. "I
>know you have it."

Mike <Serena>: The groove? The beat? The mojo?
Crow: The glow?

>"Wait here," Serena said. "I'll go get Sailor Moon, and you can talk to
>her. She'll know what to do."

Tom <Serena>: Sailor MOOOooonn! Ky's being mean to me!
Crow <Moon>: Then you really should share your toys, sweetie.
Mike <Kotanam>: Hey, uh, Ami... is she always this schizophrenic?
Crow <Ami>: You should see her fight with Serenity.

>Ky watched, a smirk on her face.
>"You betrayed me," Ami said.

Mike <Ami>: It's almost as if I were a pawn in your game of..... Oh, I
get it now! It all makes sense!
Crow: So Ami will cut a promo, wrestle a squash, and meet her at
Tom: Finally, someone I could enjoy watching rip their shirt off.

>"I told you, Amy, there is more then just your world at stake. Billions
>of lives hang in the balance."

Crow: Okay, Al Gore.
Mike <Ami>: You already hung them!? You... You MONSTER!!

>Ami had nothing to answer to that. She simply crossed her arms, and
>fixed Ky with a furious glare. Ky looked away.

Crow: Odd reenactment of the Cuban Missile Crisis.

>"It's okay, Ami," Serena said, appearing in her Sailor Moon form. Rini
>was beside her. Ky gave a little bow.

Tom <Rini>: That won't even fit me, could you at least ask my size
Crow: Besides, she's nauseatingly cute enough as it is.

>"Princesses," she said differentially. "I have come to seek a audience
>with you. I need your Crystal."

Tom <Moon>: Sorry, we've only regular Pepsi, Diet Pepsi, or Pepsi Zero.

>"It will never leave my hands," Serena replied. "However, if I can go
>with you. . . ."
>"Fine. Tonight then."
>"Sailor Moon, don't go alone," Rini cried. "I want to go with you!" Ky

Mike: Just another episode of "Juuban Shore".

>"I can only take one through to the Gate at a time, and anyone stuck in
>Kotanam, the place between worlds, will be stuck there forever."

Crow: You've never seen five happier senshi.
Tom <Ami>: Really, Rini, just a bit farther and you'll find Narnia!

>"What if the Scouts could follow us, together."
>"Between worlds?" Ky asked skeptically.
>"Easy," Serena replied. "We've gone through time.

Crow <Serena>: We just knocked off Kennedy last weekend.
Mike <Ami>: Was it really last weekend?
Crow <Serena>: Stop that, my head already hurts.

>Between dementions can't be all that bad." Ky gave her an incredulous
>look, but she nodded in resignation.

Crow: That's the plural of "dementia", right?
Tom <Ky, singing>: It's springggggtime for Hiiiiibroy...

>Tonight then, the temple," she motioned with her hand to Rei's temple,
>"bring your sister senshi. I'll be waiting."

Crow <Ky>: I'll be drawing faces on the Buddhas in the corner.
Mike <Ky>: Make sure to sacrifice a cow or two to the deity of your

>"So will we, Kotanam," Serena replied.
>They stepped back into the shadows, fading from view. Ami turned t

Mike: Just between you and me, I think she's already travelling between
Crow: We could really use a Lucas wipe right about now.

>"Do you think that was a good idea?" she asked. Serena shrugged.

Tom <Serena>: I'm only good for ideas, not good ideas.
Mike <Ami>: Huh?!
Crow: Somewhere, Yogi Berra is nodding in approval.

>"They need help, and I can give it. Besides, then we won't have to deal
>with them any more."

Mike <Ami>: Serena, they're just like Columbia House. Buy one DVD and
you're on the mailing list like forever.

>She turned. "Come on, Chibi-Moon. Let's get out of here before one of
>those shadow creatures comes after us."

Crow <Serena>: Rest of you dopes can fend for yourselves! Smell ya

>"'kay," she replied. "See ya Ames!"

Crow: And... end scene. Good job.
Tom <Rini>: Remember, temple at 10PM, we'll finally get flushed down the
plot hole!
Mike <Ami>: Yeah, yeah whatever.

>Ami wandered around on the temple grounds, looking for a place of

Tom: Try down the block, they're showing "The Last Airbender".

>She needed to think. She had trusted Ky, and Ky had been after Serena
>all along. Ky had betrayed her, had used magic on her to force out
>information about the Moon Princess.

Crow: For the last time, shrimp cocktails aren't "magic".

>"Ami," said a soft voice. Ami turned. Ky stood alone, in her normal
>"Ky," Ami replied distantly. "What are you doing here?"

Crow <Ky>: Standing here, in my normal form. You?
Tom <Ami>: I'm between corporeals myself.

>"I came to apologize. I'm sorry about how things have to be."
>"You made the choice, Ky."

Mike: So this is a self-insert?
Crow: Why do you think they named her Ky? Ba-Boom-TISH!

>"Hibroy did, not I," she replied softly. "He took my friends and my
>family, most of my world as his plaything, and we are not his first
>victims or his last."

Tom <Ky>: I peeked ahead in the script, boy are you guys gonna get it
next chapter!

>"What will you have Sailor Moon do?" Ami asked.

Mike <Ky>: Sign my poster, I'll trade it up over and over until I have a
guest-starring role on "Numb3rs", which is what Hibroy wanted all

>"What she must. Use the Crystal to heal those scattered across the

Tom: And, time permitting, perform a spellcheck or twelve.
Crow: Couldn't you find some Neosporin or something?

>"Ky, that will kill her. She does not have that kind of power."

Mike <Ami>: You want Marrissa Picard for that. I have her number, give
her a ring.

>"Sailor Kotanam will be helping her, increasing her powers, spreading

Crow: Exploiting her shamelessly in the name of LOVE and JUSTICE!
Tom: But that's not all! Sailor Kotanam can slice, dice, and julienne

>"If she dies, Ky. . ."
>"She won't. Trust me, Ami."

Mike: She'll make sure to charge the defibrillator this time.

>"I did. You betrayed that trust."
>"How? By being a senshi?

Tom <Ami>: Uh, no, you lied to me, lured me into a trap and tortured me
for information to steal the moon wand!
Crow <Ky>: Oh, that was a long time ago!

>We are sisters, Ami. Sometimes, families fight, and sisters are unable
>to stand together.

Mike: Do sisters normally share a lot of sexual tension?
Tom: Well, that shines an uncomfortable new light on that torture scene,

>If that is what you want, for us to be separate, we can be."

Crow: This is almost like Brad and Jennifer... I'm getting so verklempt.

>"Ky," Ami sighed. "I'll help you. Hibroy needs to be stopped before he
>comes after those I love."

Mike <Ami>: After all, I've got YOU to fill that role nicely.
Crow <Ky>: Speaking of filling roles...
Mike <Ami>: Back off, sis.

>"Thank you, Ami." Ky turned, and was gone back into the woods.

Tom: "Ky and the Hendersons" will be back right after this.

>Ami sighed.
>"What have I gotten myself into?"

Tom: Thirteen chapters deep and you're asking us?

>Ami met her friends on the temple grounds. All of hem were in senshi

Mike <Ami>: Wait, are we fighting evil or cosplaying today?

>"D'you think she'll come?" Lita asked.

Crow <Ami> I'd been asking myself that same question through that whole
scene.... oh! Yeah, she'll be here.

>"She'll be here," Ami replied. "She came her for Sailor Moon, and she
>came for the Crystal's powers. She won't leave until she has them."

Tom <Lita>: Well, this *lesser* senshi votes to kick her ass.

>"Hope you're right, Ames," Rei said. She shivered. "I'm getting some
>bad vibes tonight.

Crow <Ami>: Ah, jibbly jibbly jibbly...

>Something is going to happen."
>"Not on my watch," came Ky's voice.

Crow: I'd like to requisition stock snark #4, the "what a shock" module.
Tom: Please sign me up for corollary whine #56, "nothing's happened

>She appeared in the air before them, in her senshi form. "Anger, Woods,
>Fire and Earth are all keeping an eye out while we do this."

Crow <Kotanam>: I had to get them a few pizzas, I charged it to the

>She looked over at Serena. "Are you ready Princess?"
>"Yes. Chibi-Moon will be going with you."

Mike: How much of a head start does she get on the paparazzi?

>"Sailor Moon is the strongest, and we'll teleport with greater accuracy
>if she's with us," Ami explained.

Crow <Ami>: When she's not with us, we hope that each time our next leap
will be the leap home.

>"Chibi-Moon has her own Crystal. If something happens to us, she can
>help you."

Tom <Ami>: No, really! She makes a terrific pink hostage.
Mike <Rei>: She's also a good human shield in a pinch.
Crow <Mina>: She's great at scouting forward for landmines!

>"If something happens to her," Serena added softly, "you'll wish you'd
>never come." Ky simply nodded, looking unimpressed by Serena's threat.

Mike <Geese Howard>: PATHETIC!
Crow: Sailor Shania here.

>"Follow me, if you can," she said. "Kotanam Gate, open for me!"

Tom <Ky>: C'mon, you stupid garage door opener, don't run out of
batteries now!

>A large, swirling portal opened before them.

Mike: Then Archie Bunker emerged, newspaper tucked under his arm.

>"After you." Serena smiled at Ky. Ky sighed, shook her head, and
>stepped into the portal, holding Chibi-Moon's hand tightly in her own.

Mike: Next time, make sure you bring the booster seat.

>Ami joined in the circle, holding Serena's hand in her right, and Rei's
>in her left.

Tom: Who knew that Sailor Teleport only activated after the Chicken

>They each began to concentrate their energies. They began to float up
>as one, following Ky into the swirling black vortex.

Tom: <starts humming music from TRON>
Crow: Those years with John, Paul, George, Ringo, and the Maharishi paid
off handsomely!

>Chapter 14

Tom <Jigsaw>: Uhhh... okay, now just turn the crank and snap the plank
and boot the marble right down the chute, now watch it roll in into the
pole, and knock the ball in the rub-a-dub tub, which flips the man into
the pan...
Crow: You're not even trying anymore, are you?
Tom <Jigsaw>: S-Shut up!

>Ky watched, slightly amused, as the five senshi followed her.

Mike: Holy crap, she got rid of Chibi-Moon in a quick hurry.
Tom: I always wondered how those random mentions of "Pink Sugar Heart
Attack" surfaced in the Battle of Antietam.

>Chibi-Moon whimpered slightly as a glowing orb of energy went screaming
>by her head.

Mike: The Cosmic Cutie? She took them all the way to America?

>"It's all right, Chibi-Moon. Nothing will harm you while you are with
>"But what about the others? Sailor Moon and the others don't have

Mike: It's almost as if she sees the hentai tentacle beast around the

>"Sure we do, kiddo," Sailor Moon's voice called. Five beams of light
>were approaching them, a pink beam, a blue beam, a red beam, a green
>beam and a orange beam.

Tom: Go Go to hell, Power Rangers.
Crow: This sounds like the beginning of a logic problem.
Mike: I think the logic problem began around Chapter 1.

>"Scouts! You're here!" the little senshi exclaimed excitedly.

Mike <Mercury>: Haven't you sent her on a snipe hunt yet?
Crow <Kotanam>: She was on to me, she already saw "Up".

>"Hold on, Chibi-Moon. It's about to get rough," Ky warned.

Tom: <singing> The portal started getting rough, the tiny girl was

>She pulled them through to the Kotanam Gateway, the melding point of
>all worlds, and great black void.

Crow <Leonard Nimoy>: Fifty cents please.

>Ky began glowing purple as she entered the void.


>Chibi-Moon began glowing a bright pink.

All: <Senshi> Damn you, Ben Oliver! DAMN YOUUUUU!!!
Mike: *BOOOM!*

>There were suddenly other lights around her, another pink, a green, a
>red, an orange and a blue. She could make out the other senshis.

Crow: ...wondering how they suddenly ended up in Voltron.

>"There," she called, pointing to the darkest part of the void, where
>her light would not touch. "That is the Kotanam Circle. It links all
>the worlds.

Mike <Kotanam>: You can buy a KotanaPass for only $12.50, and it's good
for a week!
Tom <Chibi-Usa>: But we're going to try to defeat....
Tom <Chibi-Usa>: Okay, okay...

>Sailor Moon, please, that is where you must release your power."

Crow: I would have thought that Sailor Toilet Snake would've been a
worthier choice.
Mike <Moon>: Couldn't you prime me with a bag of White Castle first?

>"You really think that will stop us?" asked a voice. Three senshi rose
>out of the darkness, none of them glowing.

Tom: Try jiggling them a bit.

>Kotanam felt her heart sink. She recognized them.

Tom: They played for the Minnesota Wild, and they couldn't keep their
sticks down.

>They were portal jumpers, senshi who had no other ability except to
>walk through the dementions.

Mike: They're Classic Lemmings.
Crow: Pfft. Walking through dementions. That's just crazy.

>"I am Sailor Kotanam, this is my realm, and here I am Princess.

Tom <Kotanam>: We've gathered here today to talk about this little thing
called DIE!!!

>I demand you step down."

Mike: There's four of them, maybe a festive square dance is more
appropriate than stepping down?

>"We take no orders except those from our Master."

Crow: Good morning, Angels!
Mike, Tom <portal jumpers>: Good morning, Char-lie!

>"So be it. Reality Buster!"

Mike <Kotanam>: You live with your parents and you have no JOOOOB BLAST!
Crow <Kotanam>: You'll be balding before your thirtieth birthday BEAM!
Tom <Kotanam>: You'll die alone and afraaaaaaid BLOW!

>The three senshi staggered. Their eyes unfocused, and they began to see
>each other as the enemy.

Crow: Kotanam casts McCarthyism ! Fear and Confusion reign ?!

>Chaos quickly broke out between the three, and they all disappeared.

Tom: Calling Sailor Howard, Sailor Fine, Sailor Howard...

>"What did you do?" asked Sailor Moon, coming up beside her.
>"They all see each other as enemies.

Mike: She told them that the best seller will get the Glengarry leads.
Crow: Now one is Team Jacob, one is Team Edward and, oddly enough, one
is Team Snape.

>It won't last long, but since they can only portal jump, they opened
>portals beneath themselves to escape." She sighed.

Tom: Didn't Mythbusters bust that myth once?

>"They'll be back. We haven't much time."
>They all began floating around the Kotanam circle. Sailor Moon held the
>Crystal before her.

Crow: Sailor Moon, now with the power of Gravitron!

>"Moon Healing Activation!" she cried, silver light filling the void. Ky
>smiled, and unleashed her own power, opening up gates to the worlds
>that Hibroy had touched.

Mike: If this works, I've got a mess of kudzu in the back yard that
needs killin' too.

>Freed gates were little pink holes, and the gates Hibroy still
>controled were black.

Tom: We sure this isn't an Ultima crossover?
Mike: Or we could be playing Master of Orion.

>Sailor Moon began to glow, her face serene. Her senshi uniform became a
>long white gown.

Crow <Kotanam, sobbing>: Yes, I will marry you, Sailor Moon!

>The Silver Crystal was nestled in her hands, still glowing brightly.
>Her long golden hair was billowing out behind her.

Mike: Ky just kicked up the wind machine for the extra oomph the scene

>"Princess Serenity!" Ky gasped. Suddenly, Chibi-Moon was up next to
>"Mother," she whispered, her form bathed in silver light. She was
>suddenly in a white gown identical to Serenity's gown.

Crow: Next, she was in a pair of mechanic's overalls, then a tutu.
Tom: When did we start the end credits to "Daria"?

>"I am here for you!" The light doubled in brightness, and the dots were
>changing from black to pink at a double rate.

Crow: Great, we arrived just in time for the universe's prostate exam.

>Ky could do little more then stare in amazement at the sheer power of
>the two senshi.

Mike: Yeah, but can they create and sustain a runaway nuclear reaction?

>And then it began to go wrong.

Crow: They gave Alan Alda creative control and he whizzed it right down
his leg.

>Serenity and her daughter suddenly ceased glowing, their lights
>winking out.

Tom: Much like the actual fad of crystal power.

>They returned to senshi form. There were still nearly a dozen
>dementions to save.

Mike: Search for the quarter slot and start pumping in the coins, Ky!

>"I'm sorry," Sailor Moon gasped, her face deathly pale. "I can't do it any
>more." Then she passed out.

Tom: ...some literature for the Reunification Church.
Crow <Moon>: I sense that there could be some tithing ahead.

>"Serena!" Chibi-Moon cried. She floated over to her. "Come on, wake
>up." Ami and the others crowded around the fallen princess.

Mike <Venus>: Should we poke her with a stick or something?
Crow <Mars>: Waaaay ahead of you.

>"She's all right," Ami said, "she's just fainted."
>"How long do you think she'll be out?" Ky asked.

Tom: Until bell bottoms come back.

>"Hours," Ami replied. "She used up a ton of energy."

Mike: More importantly, they're fresh out of sappy, long-winded pop
ballads and without that, her attacks ain't worth spit.

>"Hours," Ky echoed softly. Hibroy could take over another demention in
>that time.

Tom: And Sailor Moon can fix it in seconds, what's the fragging problem?

>She gave a reluctant sigh. There was only one option left. She had to
>kill Hibroy first, then return for Sailor Moon's help.

Tom: So, let me get this straight. Hibroy brainwashes but keeps them
alive. Sailor Total Carnage kills because the ends justify the means.
Mike <Ky as Bruce Willis>: Anybody else want to negotiate?

>"Can you teleport?" she asked.

Crow <Ami>: Depends, how good are you at retconning and fanon?

>Ami shook her head.

Tom <Ami>: I can say 'BAMF' if that helps.

>"Not without Sailor Moon."

Mike: Starring Meredith Baxter-Birney and a young Kirsten Dunst.

>"Then I can send you all back. It won't take long.

Tom: Unfortunately, all her portals end in the stockroom of the North
Greenwich "Canadian Tire".

>Chibi-Moon, I'll send you two through first."
>"Thank you, Kotanam."
>She sent them back, then Jupiter, then Mars, then Venus.

Tom <Jupiter>: Yeah, thanks Kotanam, for hogging the spotlight and
making our presence in this fanfic even MORE pointless!

>Suddenly, her gate closed. Ky looked up. Above her were the three
>senshi she had scattered.

Mike: Sailor D'artangan has already withdrawn his rapier.

>She heaved a sigh.

Crow <Ky>: Ooh, I'm all angsty and depressed, I'm a teen on the edge of
oblivion. Death is my hairspray. *cut cut* *bleed* Waah.

>"Bubbles, Mercury?"
>"Sure thing. Mercury Bubbles Blast!" The void filled with thick mist.

Tom: Ky could've just opened a portal to Los Angeles.
Crow: And then they could all be coughing to boot!

>Ky grabbed Ami's hand. She opened a small gate, and the two of them
>dropped through.

Mike <Ky>: Whew, that was close... wait, where are we? Golden Saucer!?
What the...!?

>They landed on hot, sticky pavement.

Tom: Thank heaven, they finally found the one enemy that Mercury can
Mike <Mercury>: Eat cold air, hot cement!

>Around them rose large buildings, skyscrapers made of reflective black
>metal. A red sun burned above them.

Crow: They've fallen into a Superman Elseworld Comic!
Mike: Now, is this Silver Age Sailor Kotanam?

>"Is this your world?" Ami asked.
>"No. This is Hibroy's world."

Crow: Population: Nerd.

>She raised her hand, pointing off to the biggest building, one floating
>overhead. "Hibroy's palace."

Tom: Then she pointed over to the smallest building, one floating
overhead. "Hibroy's privy."

>"Why are we here?"
>"Because if I took you home, they would have followed us."

Crow <Ami>: But you took me to your place! Now they'll think I'm easy!

>"Then why not somewhere safer?" Ky gave Ami a look that she could
>easily read.
>"You don't mean. . ."
>"There's no other choice. I'd appreciate your help." Ami sighed.

Mike <Ami>: And that's how I was roped into delivering newspapers for a
year and a half.

>"All right, let's get this over with."
>"Good. Back to your normal form. It's the only way we'll ever get in."
>"Isn't that dangerous?"
>"Sure. But there's no other choice."

Tom <Ami>: Give me three minutes to get a pizza box and show you how
imbecilic you are.

>Ami gave a sigh.
>She returned to her normal form with a word.

Tom <Ami as Strong Bad>: DWAYNE!!

>Ky did the same,

Crow: Wait up here, is "bathyscaphe" one word or two?

>and together they made their way toward the impressive castle.

Mike: <whistles to imitate recorder music>
Crow: Don't let them in, Friendly! Rusty, Jerome, close the gate before
it's too late!

>Chapter 15:

All: <singing> Oompa, loompah, doopily dee. Are you not read-y for
Chapter Fifteen?

>Ami did not like the position she was in.

Crow <Ami>: Better untie the ropes and try again.
Mike <Dr. Rumack>: I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all
counting on you.

>Ky had all the control.

Mike: The Melancholy of Sailor Kotanam
Tom <Ami>: Fine, keep the remote, I'm using the laptop anyway.

>She had no way to get back, no way to escape.

Crow: No way to avoid a Lady Gaga reference.

>There were people everywhere, mostly regular humans who walked the
>street, but there were senshi in the crowd, watching them from floating
>disks, their eyes clouded.

Tom: Dr. Light made them all Rush Jets.

>Ami had no doubt that these senshi were being controlled by Hibroy.

Crow: He can even make them vibrate across the floor with the power of
his mind!

>"Come, sister," Ky whispered, "we must pay our homage to the King."

Mike <Ami>: You have a portal to Graceland? Sweet!

>"I agree," Ami replied, not sure what else to say.

Tom <Ami>: Don't be cruel.
Crow <Ky>: He ain't nothin' but a hound dog! It's now or never!
Tom <Ami>: A little less conversation!
Mike: Hokay, that's enough.

>She wanted to send a message to the others, but she did not think she
>could. Besides, there was no time.

Tom: And no internet.
Crow <Ami>: Maybe one of the nice floating disk senshis will help me!

>The two of them moved through the crowds of people, until they passed
>under a curtain of light.

Tom: They wanted to catch a Broadway show first.
Mike: Hope it's got a Jew.
Crow <singing> Twice in every show, there comes a song like this...

>"We're in," Ky whispered. "This way, my sister. We're almost there!"

Mike <Ky>: Pig is proceeding into the blanket. Toad is going into the
Crow <Ami>: Fist is going into the mouth.
Mike <Ky>: Team Leader, keeping mum.

>Ami was not too pleased with the situation, but there was no other

Tom: This is the worst choose-your-own-adventure story ever.
Mike <Dr. Rumack>: I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all
counting on you.

>She followed Ky until they reached the steps.

Crow: Then Ami decided to reenact "Rocky" for the fun of it.
Tom <Ky>: Tourist.

>"Stay there. I'll be back for you."
>"Stay there," she repeated more forcefully.

Crow <Ky>: I'll give you a Snausage!
Mike <Ami>: Snausages?! Snausages!!
Tom: Senshi can't tell it's not bacon.

>Ami shrugged, and stood, waiting. Ky charged up the stairs, into the
>darkness beyond the palace doors.

Mike: Oh, what is she, Sir Lancelot now?

>Something in the air changed.

Tom: Ami tried to blame it on a retreating Ky, but we all knew better.

>"Reality Buster!" Ky's voice called. The people around Ami froze, and
>then fell over, in deep trances.

Crow: Ky must've played some Enya, really knocked 'em out.

>Six senshi came charging in, but the all ended up in Kotanam Gates,
>spread across the demensions.

Mike: The Keystone Senshi, folks.
Tom <Ami>: So much for my recruitment drive of allies.

>"Okay Mercury, you can come out now. Time to go kick some butt." Ami
>smiled despite herself.

Crow <Ky>: Could you cue up a copy of "Shine My Love"?
Tom <Ami>: Let me guess, I'm the Asian one?

>She transformed, and ran into the darkness after Ky.

Tom <singing>: Now they're trapped in the closet...
Mike: Somehow I doubt R. Kelly will mind.

>The two of them moved through the halls like shadows, staying out of
>the way of the senshi who ran outside to find out what was going on.

Crow <senshi>: One side, brightly colored strangers! We have to see
who's invaded our fortress!

>"I used illusions to make it look like there's a riot going on out
>there," Ky explained after the third senshi went by without even
>looking around.

Crow: Stephenie Meyer's out there signing copies of "Breaking Dawn"!
All: Squeee!

>"Hibroy's sending out the troops to control the masses."

Crow <senshi>: Oh, sweet taser of mine, our day has finally come!

>"Then why are we hiding?"
>"Because if a senshi notices us, they will try to attack us, to bring a
>prize before their master."

Tom: Assuming, of course, he can correctly guess their weight.

>"They won't kill us?"
>"Not if they think that we can be controlled."

Mike <Ky>: And they have the ultimate in control - the Power Glove <tm>!

>"Well, Renegades, you seem to get stupider as the time goes by," said a

Tom <Ami>: We're the Renegades? How pathetic, I thought we agreed on
"Fabulous Freedom Posse"!

>Ami whirled around. A senshi stood behind them, a long Sabre in her

Tom <Ami>: Sweet, can I borrow that for a second? I've got something
stuck in my teeth...
Crow <senshi>: How about I ram it down your throat?
Tom <Ami>: It's not that far back, silly.

>"Come peacefully, and we won't kill you. We could use more soldiers."
>Ami glanced at Ky. Ky simply smiled.

Mike <Ky>: Don't worry, Ami. Suicide is painless! *cut cut* OWWWW!!
No, it isn't!

>"You'll never defeat the Resistance," she called, raising her staff.
>"Take this! Starlight!" She waved her staff around.

Tom: She's Che-lor Guevara, it seems.

>Three little stars jumped out of her staff and hit the senshi square in
>the chest. The senshi grunted, but then laughed.

Crow: The little stars got madder and got out little boxing gloves. It
was drop-dead cute.

>"That's it? That's all you have?"
>"Mercury Bubbles Blast!" Ami cried. The hall filled with bubbles.

Crow <senshi>: Bubbles? You're attacking me with bubbles?
Mike <Ami>: Just wait, here's the Mentos.

>"This way!" she called, grabbing Ky's hand.
>"Hide, Mercury," Ky whispered. "Follow us."

Tom <Ami>: Don't take me away now! Between the stars and the bubbles,
we've got an awesome rave here!

>"GO!" she whispered fiercely. Ami nodded, and she hid in the darkness
>of another hall.

Crow: ]';/
Tom: What the hell?
Mike: Sorry, I found a spider on Crow, had to kill it.
Crow: What!? Oh no, does that mean I'll soon have the powers of a Tobey
Mike: To be short and annoying? You're already there.
Tom: Guys, the 'fic is still scrolling.
Crow: And?

>"Nice trick your friend has," the unknown senshi said, as she dragged
>Ky down the hall. "But she's not ver loyal, is she?"

Tom <Ky>: Hey, who are you to judg!

>"She'll be back, with help!" Ky cried, as if frightened.
>"Good. More soldiers."

Crow <senshi>: Our Secret Santa parties have been pretty pathetic
lately, I could use some nice gift certificates....

>Ami followed them from the shadows, and though she was not exactly
>stealthy, Ky made up for it by carrying on like a child.

Tom <Ami>: Oracle, there's a structure about fifty meters ahead, any
intelligence on what I'm up against?
Mike <Ky>: I WANNA MY LOLLY!! *sobbing*

>They entered the throne room, and Ami wasn't too sure how she would
>follow Ky in.

Crow: Here's an idea, how about your BUBBLES!? You know, the attack you
just used about a minute or so ago!?
Mike: The cooldown time on the bubbles is an absolute bitch.

>The door slammed shut, and Ami gave a small sigh. She pressed her ear
>up against the door.

Tom: Sorry, folks, she's completely forgotten how doors work. Try
your hand, Ami!

>"What have you got there, my pretty?" asked a deep voice.
>"A Lesser senshi, one of the Rebels that incited the riot."

Crow <senshi>: She's Sailor Dressgrabber, my liege. If you don't stop
her, she'll take everything on sale.
Mike: She dared to go to Lambeau to yell "Go Vikes!"

>"Lesser? Are you sure?"
>"Yes, master. She used her attack on me. Not much good, but it did
>sting a bit." There was a rumbling laughter.

Tom <Jabba the Hutt>: Ho ho ho ho ho...
Crow: Fat Tony runs a tighter organization than this.

>"Perfect. Bring the girl to me. Did any escape?"
>"Another senshi, one who had a mist attack. No damage, but she did
>manage to run away."

Tom <singing>: She just ran... she ran all night and day...
Mike: She is well-practiced, at least.

>"Fine. Well done, my pretty. You will be rewarded."

Mike: Hibroy's going to surprise her with a dick in a box, as usual.
Crow: Is it really a surprise anymore?

>There was silence for a moment, and then Ami heard Ky's voice.

Tom <Ky>: She's back there, second door from the right, I swear!

>"Please don't hurt me," she whimpered.
>"Oh, I won't hurt you, little one.

Mike <Ky>: I'll do the metal bikini, just promise me you won't turn on
the electromagnet again. That was uncomfortable.

>Close your eyes. Soon it will all be over."

Mike: Oh, thank goodness.
Tom: Uh, he wasn't talking to you, Mike.
Mike: Hush.

>"It will be over for you, Hibroy," Ky called. Ami grinned, taking it as
>her cue. She burst in through the door.

Crow <Ami>: It's time to PARRRRR-TAY! I'm DJ Ami, ready to spin tunes
and groove the room!
Tom <Hibroy>: Sorry, I already bought Thin Mints this year.

>"Aqua Rhapsody!" She unleashed her attack, freezing the unsuspecting
>senshi in her tracks.

Tom <Ami>: I'd make a joke, but I used up all 1001 Ahhnold Ice Puns.

>The man on the throne stood. He wore a long, flowing robe, and a black
>crown sat on his head. He was a fat, lazy looking man.

Mike: The burgers finally caught up with Jughead.

>"Well, you brought friends, little one. A water senshi. And are you a
>fire senshi?" He gave a booming laugh.

Crow: Cool, all he needs is a plant senshi and he has a color group.

>"You are hopelessly surrounded. You will never escape this palace

Crow <Hibroy>: Assuming I... *yawn* ...can work up the energy to give a
flying crap.
Mike: And this guy was a threat to how many "dementions" again?

>"You are going to die, Hibroy, for everything you have done."

Tom <Hibroy>: Ha! I returned those videos late last night!
Mike <Ky>: ALMOST everything you have done.

>Ky raised her staff. "I will not suffer your evil schemes any longer.

Tom: This man has not a single guard within a five-mile radius? No
superpowered senshi that can teleport, or wallwalk, or who were
invisible for the last five minutes? Really?
Crow: He sent them all out for pizza.

>Relinquish your hold on all the worlds, and I will let ou live."

Mike <author>: CUT!
Tom <Ky>: Mon dou! What zee hell was wrong with zat take!?
Mike <author>: Your accent slipped, Ky. Let's take it from the top.
Tom <Ky>: Zis is some merde right here! I hate zis new directeer! I'm
going to mon traileer!
Crow <Ami>: 'ere, stow that tosh and shut your bloody cakehole, ya
manky twat!
Mike: The movie remake of "Absolutely Fabulous" was tweaked slightly
from the source material.

>He gave another laugh, his belly shaking.

Tom <Hibroy>: Ho ho ho, I conquered the Martians, what hope do you have
against me?

>"Let me live?" He gave a whistle, and five senshi stormed into the

Tom <Hibroy>: I have my elves cranking out senshi day and night!
Mike: Wait, I got it! Hibroy is just another alias for Harry Mudd! It
all makes sense now!

>"I should kill you for that, but I won't. I have a need for water-based

Mike: Their bongs go dry really quickly, and there's not enough beer to
go around.
Tom <Hibroy>: Please speak with Sailor Folders in the vestibule for an
application and leave your references with me.
Crow: Don't, Ami. Perks include Hibroy watching movies projected on
your back.

>He stood, and stepped before Ami, his chubby, sweaty hand hovering
>before her face.

Tom <Ami>: He's got detachable hands? I was wondering why I felt a
breeze up my skirt.

>"Join us." Dark energy enveloped her. Ami felt as if she were drowning.

Tom: Quick Ami, grab onto me! <imitates a buoy>
Crow: Uh, she's not actually in the water, Servo.
Tom: What's that? CPR? Don't mind if I do!
[Mike shakes his head]

>It was so different from the last two times, stronger, more persistent.

Tom: This is SO true to the show!
Mike: How so?
Tom: It's two people braying back and forth while all the rest of the
characters stand and watch.

>"Join us," he repeated, the energy intensifying until it was painful.

Crow: Yeah, Penn Jillette tends to have that kind of effect on people.

>"Never!" she screamed. The blinding darkness suddenly changed, becoming
>a flash of blue. Her tiara was glowing brightly.

Mike: Uh oh, Ami just got the blue screen of death.
Tom: <A>bort, <R>etry, <F>ail?
Crow: ffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff

>"Never will I bow down to you!!!"

Crow: What a time for Ami's sciatica to flare up!

>Then the pain won out, and Ami collapsed, unconscious. She heard Ky
>calling her, and then she knew no more.

Tom <Hibroy>: Now what, Ky? She's the only grounding we really have to
the canon, what do we do now?
Crow <Ky>: Don't look at me, didn't you put all those "SENSHI" tags on
the girls back there?
Tom <Hibroy>: We didn't even get around to giving them random space
rocks, don't yell at me!
Mike <Ami>: OKAY, OKAY, I'm alive! Just shut up and follow my lead

>Chapter 16:

Tom: Will Mercury regain consiousness and win the day? Will Ky even let
her try and continue to hog the limelight? Will Hibroy achieve his
ultimate goal of a good BM? Find out in tonight's episode: The Lame

>Ky felt sick. Ami had succumbed to Hobroy's power.

Crow: Ami didn't count on Hibroy's slimmer, fit brother joining the
Mike: And now Ami's clothes were brighter than ever, thanks to the power
of Sailor Tide With Bleach Alternative.

>"Mercury, get up," she cried. Ami's head bobbed, but she did not even

Mike: Well, she really did moan, but the idiot boom mike operator was
checking out Sailor Maraschino Cherry in the back.

>"That one is mine. You can let her drop," Hibroy said. What is you
>name, senshi?"

Mike <Ky>: We're so damned lost. Where the hell is Innsbruck, Austria?

>"I am Princess Kotanam," she replied angrily.

Crow <Hibroy>: Wait, wasn't it Duchess Kotanam after you divorced Prince
Chasle last year?

>She threw the two senshi off her arms.

Mike: The ones around her legs were keeping her warmer than she'd been
in years.
Crow <Ky>: Hey, mind keeping the hands below the hemline?

>"You have taken your last victim, Hibroy."

Crow: Even though Ky hid Hibroy's karaoke machine, Hibroy has long since
memorized "Disco Duck".

>"Ah, the Gate Guardian. Good. Now I no longer have to search for you,
>troublesome brat. Get her."

Mike: Hibroy makes Ben Stein look like Al Pacino.
Tom <Ben Stein>: Hoo-ahh.

>"You will never take me!"

Crow: Now, ol' Boss Hibroy has Bo Duke where he wants 'er. How'll them
Dukes get outta this one?

>"That's what your friend said, and she is mine now. Watch." He looked
>over at Ami's still form. "Rise, Sailor Mercury. Rise and do my

Tom <Ami>: But Manos would not approve!

>Ky held her breath as Ami stirred. She stood. She turned to face Ky,
>and winked! Ky stared in disbelief.

Crow <Ami>: Wuh-ink!
Mike: This is the kind of acting I've come to expect from CBC dramas.

>"Mercury, please," she cried, realizing she need to keep up the


>"Show me your attacks.

Crow <Ami>: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you!?

>Freeze the princess so she cannot escape." Ami raised her hands to do
>her attack.

Mike: Or scenes from "The Jazz Singer", either one.

>"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" she cried, spinning about so that she hit
>Hibroy with her power.

Crow: Then she muted him, changed his channel to the weather network and
put him into sleep mode.

>Hibroy was frozen solid in a block of ice.

Crow: Great, let's ship him off to the Kushmans and start shooting up
the end credits!
Tom: That's what you get when you cast Comic Book Guy as your main

>Mercury turned back to the senshi approaching from behind.
>"I am Princess Mercury. I command you to halt."

Mike <Mercury>: You saw... nothinngk.

>Her gem flared, and a beautiful maiden in a graceful, blue dress stood
>in place of Sailor Mercury.

Tom: Is there a role that Katherine Heigl will turn down at this point?

>She held a small blue gem. "Planet Mercury, lend me your strength. Let
>me heal them!"

Crow: Sorry, the planet Mercury is only interested in extreme
retaliation and severe overkill.

>There was a flash of light, and Ami flopped over, returning to her
>senshi form.

Tom: Next time, don't lick your finger before you touch the wire, Ami.

>The five senshi blinked, as if they had just realized where the were.

Crow <author>: ...and, that's all I got so far. I don't have a title
for it yet but would any of you be interested in starring?

>"I don't know how Sailor Moon does it," she whispered, breathing

Crow <Mercury>: Okay, girls, time to return the rental costumes and
leave the Senshi cosplaying to the pros.
Mike <senshi, deeply>: We're not all ladies...
Crow <Mercury>: Remind me to never go to a convention again.

>"Kotanam, do what you must!"
>"Reality Buster!" she cried, focusing her energy on Hibroy.

Tom <Kotanam>: Sonic the Hedgehog will continue to suck! SUCK!
Crow <Kotanam>: The Adam West Batman TV Show will NEVER get an official
DVD release!
Tom <Kotanam>: You're the lamest villian since The Blob!
Mike <Dr. Rumack>: I just want to tell you both good luck. We're all
counting on you.

>Hibroy's eyes went wide, and then he was caught in her power.

Crow: I feel so cheated, something so lame should've come with a goofy
cartoon sound-effect.
Tom: Yaaaa-hoo-hoo-hoooooeeeeyyy!!
Crow: Hey, thanks!

>"Mommy," he said, his voice whiney like a child's voice. "I wanna go

Mike <Mercury>: Patience, there's like only two pages left.

>"Not until you let everyone go," she replied. "Every single person
>under your control must be freed."
>"Awe, but mommy!"

Tom <Hibroy as Trelane>: I was winning! I was winning!
Mike: He's trying to get the fantasy started, but Mercury's a cold fish.

>"Do as I say."
>"Yes mommy," he sighed, and his body began to glow. Dark bits of energy
>appeared all throughout the room, engulfing him.

Crow: I'm trying to figure out if this is more evocative of Damien or
Tom: I vote for Carrie.
Mike: I vote for the MCP.

>"Is that everybody?"
>"Yes mommy."
>"Good boy."

Crow: Did we escape into a "Dennis the Menace" 'fic somewhere down the
Mike: Either that or a cheap remake of "The Manchurian Candidate".

>Ky pulled herself from the illusion, and Hibroy's eyes began to re-

Crow: I still fail to see why this couldn't have been accomplished
about thirteen chapters ago.
Mike: It's because they didn't have a senshi company directory... Tom?
[Balloons and confetti start dropping down from the ceiling]
Mike: <chuckles> Hey, what's going on?
Tom: Good job, Nelson, that's the seventy-fifth repeated riff in the
Mike: Ooh, really? What do I win?
Tom: A copy of the home game, "None Yet Suggest a Title"! Riff it
with your friends on game night!
Mike: But I have no friends...
Tom: That's fine, you would have lost them all anyway by playing the
Home Game!

>"Come on, Mercury," she said. "It's time to go."

Tom <Mercury>: It's time for walkies? And a treat! I like treats...
Mike: Keep that counter going, Tom.

>She turned to the five senshi. "Do as you will with that beast. Just
>keep him out of other dementions."

Crow: Especially Arkham Asylum, that place has enough problems.

>"We can do nothing," one of them said. "We're nothing but Lessers."

Crow <senshi>: We're only temps, they locked up the office supplies
and we've got to fill out forms in triplicate to get any.
Tom <Ky>: Then go detail my car while I ponder this problem.

>"Then I will do something," Ky replied. She considered opening a gate,
>and banishing him to a world of monsters,

Mike: Uh, sorry, WoW's full. No more room.

>but there was always the possibility that he would escape, and she
>couldn't allow that.

Tom: Then go with plan B, a terminal servicing Northwest/Delta flights.

>"I will bring him back to my world, where he will be tried for
>attempted murder, murder and regicide. Death."

Tom <Phoenix Wright>: Objection!
Mike: <chuckles> He'll be tried for dying too? Will he be tortured

>"He's human, Kotanam. You can't kill him."

Crow <Ky>: Fine. I'll beat him good and let blood loss take over.

>"He's not human," Ky replied. "See for yourself." She tugged on his
>hair, and his skin fell away, leaving a large purple blob.

Mike: She just pulled a reverse Scooby.

>"You will pay for this, Kotanam."

Crow <Hibroy>: I don't give it away for free!
Mike; Hey now, you can't make a reverse Scooby into a one-and-a-half
Scooby until you mention the dog.

>"Empty threats." She waved her hand, preparing a gate. But the five
>senshi unleashed a torent of magic, a blast of fire, a gust of wind,
>lightning, a beam of ice and a thin stream of light crashed into him at
>the same time. He exploded into tiny pieces of goo.

Mike: So, any five of the twenty-three thousand eight hundred fourteen
would've worked.
Crow: Figure out how many combinations THAT is, Ami.

>"Together, I guess we can do stuff," the littlest one said with a grin.

Tom: Oh God, please tell us that this was the Sailor Says of the 'fic!
Crow <Ami>: Don't you mean, *snuff*?
All: <Senshi> Hahahahahhaha!!!
Mike: Be sure to tune in for another exciting episode of 'Senshi Squad:
In Color'!

>******************************************************************** ***

Tom: Unable to handle the humiliation of being duped by Hibroy, the
numerous nameless senshi transcended their earthly bodies and formed
the constellation "Scene Change" where they watched over fanfiction for
the rest of eternity.
Crow <Paul Harvey>: And now you know... the rest of the story.

>Ami had never been so glad to be home.

Mike <Ami>: Ha ha ha, manufactured products, sushi vending machines,
Godzil... [eyes widen in horror] Oh... oh god... no... NO...
[collapses to her knees] I TOOK TOO LONG!!!

>"Tell the others goodbye for me," Ky called from inside her gate.

Crow: Hey, Ami! Good news! Ky won't make it to the International
Hungry Hungry Hippos tournament next week!

>"I will," Ami replied. She waved to her friend.
>"Goodbye," Ky called. "And good luck."

Tom: Thank heaven they cured Sailor Pad-the-Outro, I don't know what I
would have done without watching them bid the SI a fond farewell.

>"I don't put faith in luck, and you shouldn't either, Kotanam." Ky gave
>a laugh.

Mike <Ky>: She's quoting my own banal cliches back at me! Well, two
can play at that game! After a while, crocodile! Ha!
Crow: It's as ironic as it is funny! What a double coup!

>"I'll see you again," Ky promised. "Never forget me."
>"I won't.

Crow <Ami>: The courts will need a detailed report for the restraining

>And next time we see each other, I want a rematch!"
>"Fair enough."

Mike: Is this going to segue into some bizarre Dragonball pastiche?
Tom <Ami>: My son Goku will AVENGE MY DEFEATS!
Crow <Ky>: You SHALL NOT DEFEAT ME, Amirott!

>Ami headed home, feeling exhausted. She pulled up her communicator. Rei

Mike <Ami>: Foot massage. Now.
Crow <Rei>: Like hell I...
Crow <Rei>: Yes'm.

>"How's Serena?"
>"She's fine," Rei replied. "Why? Did something happen?"

Tom: There was no Hibroy. There was no Ky. There was no spoon. There
was no chess.
Mike <Mr. Smith>: Got it, Miss Ann-derr-sson?

>Ami blinked. Then it occurred to her. Reality Buster. She gave a laugh.

Crow: Errgh... what?? So the last sixteen chapters NEVER HAPPENED?!?
Tom: All those riffs were on an empty source?
Mike: Stay tuned for the sequel, "Harami and Ky-mar Go to White Castle".

>"Never mind, Rei, never mind. I'll be a little late.'

Mike: The police commissioner just turned on the Ami Signal.
Tom: A picture of a brain?
Mike: Natch.

>"Late? Are you sure nothing's happened."

Crow: Mageling must be a nom de plume for Tom Clancy.

>"Very sure. I just need to play a good game of chess."

Mike: If this isn't the world telling Ami to drop chess in favor of
"Pokemon SoulSilver", then I don't know what is.
Tom: And so the 'fic loops back on itself, a Moebius strip that shall
never end.
Crow: Let's skedaddle.

---Satellite of Love

Mike and the 'Bots all congregated near the desk. Tom Servo had a
green visor on his head, and Crow sported a pencil.

"You guys said that you created a new television show in the five
seconds we've been out of the theater?" Mike led.

"Of course, Nelson!" Crow replied. "Look, we've already got a first-
look deal with HGTV."

"Picture this, Mike." Tom said. "All of the drama of life and death,
intergalactic competitors, awesome power-ups, and more action than a
million of these 'fics!"

"Don't make me read this a million times," Mike warned. "What's the

"Are you ready?" Crow nudged Mike to get him to see the card on the
desk. Mike held it up, which contained a logo. "It's Dragonball Super
Zed Chess Masters!" Crow read off the card.

"Super Zed?"

"What other country is infested with both thousand-pound carnivores
and Mounties?" Tom asked.

"Point taken," Mike responded. "So, Crow, do they actually play
chess or do they just taunt each other for long periods of time?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Mike, haven't you figured out how boring
chess is yet?" Crow retorted. "Like hell we'll be wasting any time
showing them playing chess!"

"How come I get the feeling that it'd be just like watching late
90's WWF?" Mike asked.

At that point, Tom noticed the plastic item on the counter. "Hey,
guys, the Jokeson meter is still running. And it's still showing Mike!"

As the 'Bots chortled, Mike dropped the title card and reached over
the desk. "Give me that!" The red light started flashing. As Mike
bashed the button with the Mattel PKE meter, he queried "What do you
think, sirs?"

---Deep Thirteen

"Hello? Jim Sokolove's office? I've got a case. Yes, I'll hold,"
Frank whispered into the phone. Dr. F entered the scene from left and
saw Frank on the phone. "Yeah, Mr. Sokolove, are you still accepting
trip-and-fall cases?" Frank continued.

"Oh, Franky Franky Frank..." Dr. F sighed. "All of the whistleblower
laws in the land aren't enough to protect you from me. Push the button
and keep testing the prototype!" Dr. F yanked the phone out of Frank's
hand by the cord. "Ever consider a reciprocal deal, Mr. Sokolove?"

Frank looked at the console and pushed the button.


The sounds of footsteps recede into the background, followed by Frank
yelling "WhoooooOOOAAAA... ooof!"

o/~ "Na na na-a-ah, na na, na NA na...."

All comments and criticism about this MST will be gratefully
appreciated and accepted at:

My deepest thanks to my coauthor, Megane 6.7, who as always provides
terrific riffs, host segment ideas, motivation, editing and formatting,
and an ear to bend. His and my MSTings are all available at:

This MSTing was almost four years in the making, and it certainly
represents the quickest turnaround that Megane and I have been able to
manage in a while. We have our next target chosen, though our next
fanfic MSTing may take a bit; Megane and I will be taking a run at doing
a real Rifftrax audio commentary, to the movie "The Last Dragon" (also
known as "Berry Gordy's The Last Dragon") We'll see how it goes!

While MST3k may not be around much anymore, there are definitely
terrific alternatives that go a long way to providing you grilled pop-
culture and cheese sandwiches! For those who are interested in the
newest movies and the more famous cheese of yesteryear that can't be
adequately obtain via rights, go to Mike Nelson,
Kevin Murphy (Tom Servo) and Bill Corbett (Crow #2) do an awesome job
of skewering recent movies through DVD-styled commentaries that can be
set up to play as the movie plays. It's great stuff!

For those who love discovering vintage cheese and aren't as able to
get two tracks going at the same time, Joel Hodgson has your answer!
Check out Cinematic Titanic (at Besides
Joel, there is Trace Beaulieu (Dr. Forrester and Crow #1), Frank
Conniff (TV's Frank), Josh Weinstein (original Dr. Erhardt, season 1
of MST3k) and Mary Jo Pehl (Pearl Forrester). These guys specialize
in the old MST3k treatment, which is finding older B movies and giving
it a riffing.

For those who want some idea of these things before they buy them,
Megane 6.7 and I often review both Rifftrax and Cinematic Titanic
offerings at our blog, Activity on the blog has
slowed to some extent, but we do try to keep it moving with reviews on
anime and the above as well as what little news we can offer.

As for your author, he's in a far better place than he has been
through the last eight years and is looking forward to not having to
change locations every dozen months. I hope that this stability leads
to a more consistent writing pace and schedule, as I have been writing
for more than ten years now and I'm not interested in stopping anytime
soon. While the numbers of our fellow riffers and our audience have
shrunken, gone to the four winds of reality television, MMORPGs, 4chan
-style anything-goes sandbox fights, or maturity, we'll still be here
for everyone who still enjoys a weird story and funny riffs.

This MSTing is dedicated to the memory of Leslie Nielsen and to the
memory of Bill Livingston. Thank you both for all your years of
laughter, you'll be sorely missed.

For those who could use a reminder of Bill's terrific MSTing
through the years, please visit:
and search for Bill's name. He's contributed to and written some
of the best examples of 'fic MSTing on the net.

Thanks for reading!

Special Thanks:
Teachers of America
The Authors of the First Amendment
American Cancer Society
Cast and Crew of MST3k

>There was a flash of light, and Ami flopped over, returning to her
>senshi form. The five senshi blinked, as if they had just realized
>where the were.

Keep Circulating the Fanfics....