Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing] None yet suggestions welcome in Reviews! ❯ Chapter 2
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
By: Megane67 
Anime/Manga: Sailor Moon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Fantasy / Comedy | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 01.20.2011 | Pages: 23 | Words: 12.3K | Visits: 260 | Status: Completed
Anime/Manga: Sailor Moon Fan Fiction | Genre(s): Fantasy / Comedy | Type: Alternate Universe | Uploaded On: 01.20.2011 | Pages: 23 | Words: 12.3K | Visits: 260 | Status: Completed
---Satellite of Love
As the dog-bone door closed, Mike and Tom were at the desk. There
were cards spread all over and in front of Tom was a card-holder with
four cards upright in front of him.
"Okay, let's see," Mike said, contemplating his hand. "I activate
Black Bishop and Knight two and engage three File cards to play my Rank
5 card. Dangit, that's a file burn, I lose a pawn. Do you have any
interrupts?"
"You betcha, Mike, pick up the third card there," Tom instructed.
Mike put his hand over the cards but was quickly interrupted by Servo.
"Third card, third card, from the left."
"Ahh," Mike replied. He turned the card, which was marked "Challenge
-- must discard piece(s) of strength two or greater". Mike consulted
the cards in front of him. "I choose to discard two more of my pawns,
Tom, I've got three left."
"Sweet!" Tom cried. "Pick up the second card, Mike."
"Okay... aww crap, "Pin - Queen Trample". Hokay, it says "five or
less", which piece did you manage to pin?"
"There's been no action on your rooks, so I take the knight!" Tom
chuckled.
"Now, I need to play either a check interrupt or another threaten,
it's my turn to draw again..." Mike trailed off as Crow reentered the
deck, dressed in a lime-green sailor fuku with sky-blue bows. "Oh, hey
Crow," Mike said nonchalantly.
"Shush! Mike, I'm 'Sailor Telstar' when I'm at work!" Crow protested.
"Bad news though, guys, there's a reorg goin' on."
Tom chuckled as Mike rearranged his cards. "Oh, you don't say. Hope
you get to keep your red stapler," Mike replied.
"Yeah, it sounds like now I'll be put in the R&D department. Man, I
hate that, they're usually crash-test dummies. And now I've got a
dotted line boss, Sailor Pointy-Haired Senshi. Already they need me to
document my processes for ISO 9001..."
"Uhh, what processes Crow?"
"TELSTAR! Well, I.. uhh.... I just eat the donuts, really."
"Yeah, that sounds about right," Mike mused. "Okay, Tom, I drew a
check card, waiting on you..."
"Dammit, Nelson, this always happens every time you shuffle!" Tom
complained.
Mike sighed and turned back to Crow. "Now what, Tailor Selstar?"
"Aww, I'll just realign myself with the division they're trying to
spin off, try to catch the next reorg just right, and keep my finger
in the wind," Crow said. "Welp, break's over, time to get back to
work!" He rushed offscreen.
Tom stared after him. "I thought you told me that he was a temp."
"Yeah, poor guy..." Mike replied. "He's with Manpower, the second
that they spin off they'll renegotiate the contractors. C'mon,
Servo, go... I've got a stopped clock card with your name on it."
"Oh, here it is Mike, I just found it... checkmate," Tom stated
blithely.
"Hey," Mike protested, "that card's from the banned Fischer expansion
set!"
"We didn't set any ground rules," Tom reminded him in a sing-song
voice.
"Come on, Servo, it's a -12! All it takes is a queen and a bishop,
or both rooks and two pawns! That'd never happen in real life! If I
took that much, I'd win by default!" Mike protested.
"It can so happen!" Tom contradicted. "What if you were pawn-blocked,
or didn't deploy correctly?"
"Look at the board, I've got like no pawns left!" Mike sighed. Just
then, the lights started flashing wildly. "Oh, we've got FIC SIGN!"
Mike yelled.
(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate.)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
bottom.)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: It's a garage door. You have to open it manually.)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well.)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia.)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you
inside.)
Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the third
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. Crow sat in the far right
seat.
Tom: Man, you're lucky. Saved by the bell.
Mike: This isn't over, I know where my Mox Rooks are.
>Chapter 6
>
>The week passed very quickly.
Mike: Otherwise known as "It's montage time!"
Crow <singing>: You're the best! Around! Nothing's gonna ever keep
you down!
>Ami found the matches were getting harder every day, but she continued
>to win.
Crow <Ami as Bull Hurley>: YOU AIN'T SHIT!! Checkmate. RRRRRRRAAAARGH!!!
Tom: Ami for the top! YEAH!!!
>Nothing odd had happened since Sailor Kotanam had told her about
>wanting the Silver Crystal. It was Friday now, the second last day of
>competition. Ami and Ky were both playing in the semifinals.
Crow <Ami>: You know, this will be SO satisfying when I knock your loud-
snoring always-talking insensitive-clod-of-an-ass OUT of this
tournament!
Mike <Ky>: Look who's talking you obsessive-compulsive whacked-out
Japanese space-case!
Tom: I think this will be the first time that the words "Forfeited due
to removal of bishop from nasal cavity" will ever be uttered.
>"Checkmate." The young Canadian she was playing grinned.
>"Good job Ami," she said.
>"Thanks."
>"Good luck at the Finals tomorrow." She shook Ami's hand. "I bet you'll
>win."
Mike: So either Ky is the young Canadian, or the tournament thought it
would be an AWESOME idea to make both semifinals play at the same time?
Tom: Well, you can only stretch the awesomeness of a chess tournament so
far....
Mike: I can't imagine how the tens of people who stuck around for it
didn't have their brains explode from the raw passion.
>Ami felt her cheeks grow hot.
>
>"I'm not that good," she protested. The girl laughed.
Crow: False modesty is the key to humor? Damn, we've had it completely
wrong all these years...
>"Sure you are," she replied, as she headed off. "I'll see you at the
>winner's circle."
>"Bye!" called Ami as the girl disappeared out the door.
Crow: <Ami> Wow, what a good sport... wait, did she just compare me to a
horse!?
>Ami wandered up to the spectator's area, and watched Ky play her
>adversary. Ami had heard that Ky's opponent was a "queen grabber".
Crow: It's been years, I thought that most of Freddie Mercury's
boyfriends were dead by now.
>Sure enough, Ky did not have her queen. She did, however, seem to have
>control over the board.
Tom: Finally, we get to see the real-life story of Enron.
>"Checkmate," Ky said. The boy she was playing frowned.
>"But I had your queen!" he protested.
Mike: <Ky> And I had your baby. Now we're even, jerk!
Tom: Hey, buddy, a word of advice: next time, check her sleeves.
>Ami smiled to herself. The queen, though easily the most powerful
>piece, was not the most important piece.
Crow: That was the gat that Rico was waving around a half-hour ago.
>Ky had trapped the boy with knights and pawns, no small feat. She knew
>what she was doing.
Mike: Properly chastised, Billy took off. But he also had the only
chess board, so the tournament was called.
>Ami went down to congratulate her friend. The room filled with a thick
>smoke.
Crow: Ami lit up another one of her trademark cigars.
Mike: <Ami as Hannibal Smith> I love it when a gambit comes together.
>Ami staggered around. The smoke burned her lungs and stung her eyes. She
>sat down.
Tom <Ky>: Sorry, that's just leftovers from my winning pyro.
Crow: The fireworks and the theme song blaring in the background are a
bit much, aren't they?
>"Princess, we know you are here," said the familiar voice of the Earth
>Guardian.
Mike: And if pressed, Earth Guardian can do a damned good Jerry Lewis.
Tom <Guardian>: Freundlaven!
Crow <Guardian>: Oh senshi LAAAA-DYYYYY!
>"Come out," chimed a second male voice. Ami managed to escape into a
>nearby bathroom as people fled.
Mike: What a time to get a case of Mulroney's Revenge.
>"Mercury Crystal Power!"
>Ami returned to the smoke-filled room.
Crow: ...only to have her impassioned battle cry of love and justice
drowned out by the piercing shriek of the smoke alarms.
Mike: So in essence, the room already took away the ONE power she
possesses.
>"Mercury bubbles blast!" Her bubbles forced the smoke away.
Tom: *sigh*. Well, breathing is overrated anyway...
>Two Guardians stood in the center of the room. No one else seemed to
>be there.
Crow: Crap, the smoke failed! Prepare the mirrors!
>"You again?" sighed the Guardian of Earth. "Fire, take her down."
Tom: But if there is now no smoke, how can there be fire?
>"With pleasure," the other Guardian replied. He swept back his red
>cape and pulled out a large gun. He aimed it at Ami.
Mike <Fire>: Heh heh, wasn't expecting gunFIRE, were ya?
Crow: Guest Guardian -- Darkwing Duck.
>"You nightmares will be ours!" cried the Guardian of Fire.
Tom <Ami>: Good, you be the one wearing a bra and panties while talking
in front of the whole school!
>He fired the gun. A long, thin beam of black energy shot out, and hit
>Ami in the chest. She cried out in pain, and fell to the ground,
>darkness surrounding her.
Mike: Well, I guess that eliminates the need for "Kill Ami, Vol. 2"
>***** ***** ****** ******** ****** ***** ***** **** ***
Tom <Megane67>: I'd like to buy a vowel. An E?
>She swore heavily. She was too late. Sailor Mercury had been hit!
Crow <girl>: What are you guys doing? It was only supposed to be an
exhibition!
>"Fire I am sorry to see you here."
>"Don't be," he sneered. She frowned. The real Daniel was kind and
>gentle.
Tom: If only he hadn't taken a complimentary one-year training coupon
from the Cobra Kai.
>"You will join us soon enough, or you will die."
>"You forget, I am an Elite Senshi." She readied her staff. She could
>not use her Kotanam Gate now. They were too close to Mercury.
Mike: Oh, just wait a couple days, it'll go into retrograde.
>She blocked an attack as the Guardian of Fire unleashed Hibroy's
>powerful gun. The beam bounced off her staff as she brought it up to
>defend herself.
Crow: She learned that one playing goalie for the Manitoba Moose.
>"Sailor Kotanam, you will not escape this time," the Guardian of Earth
>said.
>"I don't want to hurt either of you, but you are not leaving me any
>choice."
Mike: I'm beginning to think that this isn't a musical.
>"You cannot hide on this planet forever. Soon our Master will come and
>use the nightmares of all who dwell on this pathetic planet to build
>his empire."
Crow: Steven Spielburg?
Tom: I would have guessed Tim Burton myself.
>"I will kill you if I must. This is the last time I give you a chance
>to keep fighting."
Mike <Kotanam>: And if you don't keep fighting me, I'll have no choice
but to... fight... you? Huh?
>"Fighting? Why would we fight our master? He has given us incredible
>power."
Crow: Like this large and powerful gun previously mentioned and fired!
>She had accomplished what she had set out to do.
Crow: She killed two pages of fanfic.
Tom: And here I thought only love padded the 'fic.
Crow: Love pads, she plods.
Mike: That was the most amazing jump cut ever. Epilogue, anyone?
>She had stalled them long enough for Mercury to regain her senses.
Crow: Regain her senses from a BULLET, people!
Mike: Fire forgot to check the side of the gun, where "NERF" was clearly
printed.
>"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" The two Guardians were frozen in place
>instantly.
Crow: It's a good thing Ami woke up, or Kotanam would have to admit she
ordered the Code Red.
>"You alright, Mercury?"
>"Fine," the other senshi replied. "Get rid of them.
Crow <Mercury>: Allow me to break the ice.
>Though, I must say your way isn't working too well."
Tom <Mercury>: I almost fell back unconscious when you were opening that
phone book.
Crow <Mercury>: What if you just keep talking, and another preachy
superhero shows up? Or Ultimate Warrior? Ever think of that?
>She smiled. The other senshi had a very valid point.
>"Kotanam Gate!" The two Guardians, her former friends, disappeared in
>a swirling column of light.
Mike: And just like generations of other away parties, she never even
bothered to hit her badge to request the beam out.
>She closed her eyes. She hated this. She just had to get the Silver
>Crystal. . . .
>Mercury was suddenly beside her.
Tom <Mercury>: What'cha thinkin' 'bout??
Crow: It must be purple nurple time!
>"What did they do to me?" she demanded.
>"Nothing, actually. If you had not been protected they would have
>taken control of your nightmares and of your body."
Mike: And the 'fic takes a hard right into fetishism.
>"My nightmares?" the other senshi repeated. "What good would they do?"
Crow: Comic relief, mostly.
Tom: It'd give this fanfic a good reason to break into a dream sequence,
radically increasing the words...
>"Your nightmares keep you in reality. Otherwise your dreams would be
>so beautiful that you'd never want to leave.
Mike: Endless dreaming about James Blunt? I can't think of a worse
nightmare!
>People would sleep their lives away. Dreams and nightmares must always
>be in balance, so the more beautiful a person's dream the more horrific
>their nightmares, thus the more powerful." Mercury blinked.
Tom: <Mercury> Can you state that in the form of a mathematical
equation?
>"And if you lose your nightmares?"
>"You lose control of your body. Hibroy takes it over, giving it one of
>his nightmares, from which there is no awakening without help.
Crow: So essentially, Hibroy is a cheap knock-off of Freddy Krueger.
Mike: It's a Nightmare on Yonge Street!
> Your spirit is trapped, and your body does Hibroy's will." Mercury
>shuddered. "That's terrible," she whispered.
Tom <Mercury>: Though I always wanted to be in the movies....
Mike <Kotanam>: Hibroy's previous experiments involved kidnapping and
forced 'fic reading, but he found the mind control ray much less messy.
>"You'll help me?" The other senshi paused, and finally shook her head.
Crow <Mercury> I left my change in my other compassion... err, fuku!
>"I won't try and stop you, unless you make a move against the Moon
>Princess.
Crow <Mercury>: Because I already asked her out and she's giving the
matter serious consideration!
>Then you and I will face off." She gave a helpless shrug.
Mike <Mercury>: See? Canadian slang. I'm already reaching across
cultures.
>"You can't win."
>"You'd be surprised," Mercury replied with a little smile. "We'd best
>get out of here.
Tom <Mercury>: The scene's not getting any warmer.
>Good luck, Kotanam. You'll need it." She disappeared out the door.
>"I don't put faith in luck."
Crow <Kotanam>: For good reason. I found a far more malignant force...
I call it "my author".
>Chapter 7
>
>Ami awoke early that morning. It was time.
Tom: Solemnly, she donned her fingerless chess gloves, tied her chess
bandanna around her head and emerged from her dressing room in her
chess robe, surrounded by security guards. As she lightly jogged down
an overexposed hallway to her theme music, she pushed her way through
sequined curtains to the thunderous roar of the crowd, her body bathed
with camera flashes as she performed her trademark poses before
approaching the cheap wooden table with her opponent sitting across
from her.
Mike <Ky>: Gonna bust you up.
Crow <Ami>: Go for it.
>The finals were right after breakfast. She wanted to be alert for her
>match against Ky. She had a feeling she would need it.
Tom: One jumbo box of Timbits later, a vibrating Ami hovered to her
match.
>Ky and Ami entered the game room together. This time there was no idle
>banter, no laughter between friends. This time they were opponents.
Mike: And nothing says 'deathmatch until the end between slobbering
insanely-mad competitors' like two schoolgirls at a chess tournament.
Crow <Ami>: Say, did you check out the new novel from...
Tom <Ky>: NO IDLE BANTER!
Crow <Ami>: Sorry, sorry!
>Ky's eyes sparkled with determination. Ami nodded at her friend once,
>and Ky gave her a half smile.
Mike <Ami>: Hey, how in hell did you get a first- through thirty-eighth
round bye?
Tom <Ky>: Let's just say my knees are killing me.
Mike <Ami>: Oh, so that's why your cheering section is the whole
stadium.
>"Play all out," Ky said to her as she took her seat. "I don't want to
>beat you unless you are going full out."
Crow: Ami shrugged and pushed Ky off her chair and down to the hard
wooden floor.
>"Don't worry about beating me, Ky." Ky looked amused. She turned her
>attention down to the chess board then, no longer meeting Ami's gaze.
Crow <Ky>: Hey, wait, don't I get $1500 to start? And I wanted to be
the car!!
>Ami played with all her might. She thought through every move before she
>made it, watching Ky's pieces as well as her own.
Tom: Where's John Madden when I need him!?
Crow <John Madden>: And watch Ami's bishop... here! Bam! Smashed the
stack! Watch it again... Bam!
>She spotted a weakness in her friend's defense. She took Ky's white
>queen with her own black queen.
Mike: Go Beyonce! Beat up Britney!
>"Check," Ami said softly. She scanned the board. Too late, she realized
>her error.
Crow: And after three weeks of near-constant battles interspersed with
matches and Canada, Ami realized that she forgot the difference between
a knight and a rook.
>Ky's face broke into a huge grin. She took Ami's queen with her rook.
>Ami cringed.
Mike: I would too, most novice chess-players wouldn't be so dense.
Tom <Ami, sobbing>: Why don't you grow some hair?!
>"Check mate, Ami." Ami smiled, and shook Ky's hand.
Crow: ...quickly palming the hundred dollar bill as she did so.
Tom <Ami>: You inconsiderate bitch, didn't even warn me of check on the
move prior, rot in hell and good game.
>After awards the two finalists had to do promotional photo sessions.
Crow: Ami squeezed into the loser's bikini while Ky just wore laurel
leaves in strategic spots.
>Ami smiled until her face felt it would crack.
>
>"Just another few shots, girls," the photographer said from behind his
>camera.
Mike: I suspect an Ed Wood film is sneaking around here somewhere.
Tom <photographer>: Now now, ladies, this is perfectly legitimate!
After all, our readers sure love their chests... CHESS! CHESS!!!
>Ami sighed inwardly, and repositioned herself in the old wooden chair.
>The ground began to shake.
Mike <Ami>: H-H-Hey, who set this thing to S-Swedish m-m-massage!?
>Ami shot to her feet just after Ky did. Ky ran out the door. It slammed
>shut behind her, trapping Ami and the photographer in the room. The
>photographer banged on the door.
Crow <Ky>: What's the password?
Mike <photographer>: LET US OUT YOU CRAZY BITCH BEFORE WE GET CRUSHED?
Crow <Ky>: Sorry, that was last week's password.
>"Lemme out!" he cried.
>
>"Sorry, buddy," said the voice of a young girl. Ami looked around. She
>spotted three people standing on the stage, under the lights. "But we
>need hostages."
Tom: Oh NO! Not another Three Lights concert! NOOOOOO!!!
>The photographer went deathly pale. The three people moved, and Ami
>could recognize them. The two men that stood on either side of the
>young girl where the Guardians of Earth and Fire.
Crow: Wind was still in the bathroom... passing gas.
>The girl was dressed in a Senshi uniform. It was all green, much like
>Jupiter's uniform. The gem on her tiara had a tree sillowet in white
>outline.
Mike: Psst, Senshi wannabe... you may want to take the price tag off.
Tom <Ami>: Nice cosplay outfit! Let me get my camera, Makoto will get a
real kick out of it!
>Ami stepped bravely in front of the man.
>
>"Let him go. I'll. . . I'll co-operate with you, but let him go." The
>girl laughed.
Crow <girl>: You'll co-operate? What do you think this is? Sesame
Street?
Mike <Ami>: I'll even develop a raging case of Stockholm Syndrome. He
was my first-ever photographer, don't hurt him!
>"Think you're so brave then, do you? Sorry, no deal."
Tom <Ami>: And here I was sympathetic to your cause too! Err, wait,
what cause are you on anyway?
Crow <Ami>: OK, sir, since you're going to die anyway, I'm using you as
a battering ram. Try not to hyperventilate when the first few shots
hit you and don't slump, I said DON'T SLUMP!!!
>"The two of us could raise quite a commotion," Ami warned softly. This
>time the two Guardians laughed.
Mike <Guardian, laughing>: It... It's like being scolded by Fred Rogers!
>"That's what we want. You'll draw the Senshi to us." Ami sighed
>heavily. She couldn't save the man without transforming.
Crow: So she settled for a right cross, downing the man long enough to
transform and think up an excuse worthy of Clark Kent.
>She put her hand in her pocket, touching her transformation pen.
>Reluctantly, she glanced back at the door, wondering if she could break
>through. She smiled when she noticed the hinges were on the inside.
Tom: Was this before or after she noticed that the ceiling was half
acoustical tile and half pencil garden?
>"Distract them," she urged the man. He nodded, and flew at the girl
>brandishing a wooden chair.
Mike <chuckling>: Wow, this guy doesn't hold anything back, does he?
Tom <Ami>: Dude, I said, distract! Not maim!
>Ami quickly pulled the door hinges up. The door swung open, then fell
>to the ground.
Mike: No, seriously, it takes me like five minutes to do that with my
door at home. And we're talking a short Japanese schoolgirl to boot.
What's the deal here?
>Ami lunged at their three captors with a loud cry. Startled, they
>looked at her. The photographer fled.
Crow: Three ostensibly super-powered people versus a photographer and a
schoolgirl... and they FAIL.
Mike: Oh, I understand now, these "Guardian" and "Senshi" titles must
all be ceremonial.
>Ami turned to follow after him, when vines wrapped around her legs. She
>fell to the ground.
Tom: The vines clearly hate the dub just as much as we do.
Crow: Oh, I get it now! The girl is green is Poison Ivy! Actually,
somehow that's even sadder.
>"Clever kid," the Guardian of Fire said, helping the girl lift Ami,
>tying her to the wooden chair with the vines.. "But that won't save you
>in the end."
Crow: So does the Guardian of Fire ever actually USE fire at any point?
Tom: Yeah, he's more like the Guardian of Whatever the Hell He Can Find
In His Backyard.
>Ami struggled against the vines, and hoped that Sailor Kotanam would
>show up in time.
>
>"Hey, Senshi, better show your face soon, or this girl will join us!"
Crow: How come I'm expecting the girl to twirl her mustache any moment
now?
>"I'll never join you!" They laughed at her.
Mike: Caption-- HA HA HA HA HA!
>"You will. Everyone falls in the end." The Senshi grinned at her.
>"You're nothing special."
Tom <Ami>: You're right! I now know that peer pressure is the only
impetus to do anything! Bite me, ABC After-School specials, I'm gonna
be bad now!
>"You're wrong," said a new voice. "This girl has a brilliant mind,
>Woods."
Crow <Voice>: No matter how many times I tell her to clean her room!
Mike <Ami>: Mom!?
>Ami sighed in relief. Sailor Kotanam had come.
Tom: Caption-- My hero!
>Sailor Kotanam entered through the broken door. A scowl was set on her
>face. "Can't Hibroy come up with a new plan besides attack civilians?"
Crow <girl>: Well, we tried attacking the military but they had all
sorts of guns and stuff.
>"Shut up, Kotanam," replied the girl, the one that Kotanam had
>addressed as "Woods".
>
>"Gladly, if you let the girl go." She held her staff out before her.
>The gems in it flashed on their own accord.
Crow: Are you sure the "glitter stickers" aren't catching the "light"
and "glittering"?
Tom <Kotanam>: And it only cost me 3000 games of Skee-ball at Chuck E.
Cheese!
>Kotanam looked over at Ami for a brief moment, surprise shining in her
>eyes. Ami frowned, wondering what the other Senshi saw.
Tom <Kotanam>: Wait, weren't there supposed to be five people in this
scene?
>Suddenly, a black beam shot at Sailor Kotanam. She rolled out of the
>way. The beam slammed into Ami.
Mike <Ami>: Yes, thank goodness Sailor Kotanam came so I could take yet
another shot for the team. *sigh*
>Ami expected to black out, as she had the first time she had been hit
>by the beam. She expected that the beam would reveal her true identity,
>that she was what Kotanam had called an Elite Senshi.
Crow: Instead, it just marked "2nd PLACE" on her forehead as all the
occupants of the room laughed.
>The black beam crackled around her, and turned silver. Ami stared,
>open-mouthed, as a silver beam shot off her, and slammed back into the
>Sailor of the Woods.
Tom: The international Domino Theory, played out in a bunch of wannabe
superheroes and ineffectual villains.
>The other Senshi went flying backward. She slumped to the ground, and
>didn't move.
Tom: When renting the pneumatic catapults, make sure that there are
scenes written for them.
>The two Guardians looked flabbergasted. Kotanam took advantage of the
>situation immediately.
Crow <Kotanam>: One shoelace... other shoelace... SCORE!
>"Kotanam Gate!" she cried. The two Guardians disappeared into
>the swirling black vortex, but the Senshi remained.
>
>Sailor Kotanam awoke the unconscious Senshi with simple smelling
>salts.
Mike: And a simple loud "HEY!" in her ear.
Tom: When that failed, she just slapped her silly. Wasn't effective,
but it was at least therapeutic to Kotanam.
>"Princess Kotanam?" the girl whispered, coming awake. "What, what
>happened?"
>
>"Shush now, sister Senshi.
Tom <Senshi>: Am I one of the Seven now?
>This girl saved you. Now, I will send you to a safe place,
Tom <Kotanam>: Just Visiting.
Crow <Kotanam>: Just wait for your contact, Chocolate Mousse, he will
provide more instructions.
>but only after I deal with the girl. Are you alright?"
>
>"I am. Thank you. The horror. . . .
Crow :It should be arriving any minute now. Any minute now.... any
minute.
Mike: Keep trying to delude yourself, the audience needs more
convincing.
>Oh, Kotanam, you just can't imagine it. I'm so sorry. . . ."
>
>"It's not your fault, sister Senshi. Hibroy's powers are beyond yours,
>but that is nothing to be ashamed of."
Mike <Kotanam>: If only you could get at his evidence, those photos of
you and Charlie Sheen...
>The Senshis gingerly touched Kotanam's hand. She rose.
>
>"I will wait for you in the nearest woods."
Mike <senshi>: I'll be cavorting with a few local satyrs.
Crow: Ummm, you're in Toronto? What woods? The local Ikea?
>"Alright. I'll find you shortly." The Sailor of the Woods disappeared
>in an explosion of leaves.
Tom: She died as she lived, crinkly and smelly when smouldering.
>Sailor Kotanam came over to Ami and untied her bonds.
Crow <Ami>: But I didn't give the safe word yet.
>"Thank you," she said simply. Ami stared.
>
>"For what?"
>
>"For freeing my cousin. I don't know how you did that, but it's clear
>you've been touched by the Silver Crystal.
Tom <Ami>: And I still have the welts to prove it!
>Even if that means nothing to you. . . . Any way, thank you." Then she
>disappeared into a red swirling portal.
Mike: No, you fool! That's the Kool-Aid Man's dimension! None have
ever returned from its delicious depths!
Crow: <muffled> OH YEAHHH!!!
>Ami shook her head. She headed off to find Ky.
>
>Chapter 8
>
>Ky was packing up when Ami arrived back at their room.
Tom <Ky>: Hand me those troubles over there, please, they go on top of
my cares.
Crow: Ami peered inside the suitcase. Literally hundreds of queens were
strewn about, in all sorts of shapes and sizes.
>She seemed to have forgotten all about what had happened at the photo
>shoot. Ami had noticed that no one seemed to remember any of the
>attacks. She figured that Kotanam had some ability to obscure what had
>happened.
Crow <Ami>: What about US?!?
Mike: Or... Ky's just a filthy coward who left Ami and that
photographer for dead... maybe you should, y'know, make sure?
>"Going so soon?" she asked, sitting beside her friend.
>
>"Yeah. My plane's in an hour. You played well today."
Mike <Ky>: But POORLY.
Crow <Ky>: Thirty minutes... you know, I can usually carry my little
brother that long before I finish him off, too.
>"Thanks Ky. Will you write?"
Tom <Ky>: Oh, you haven't seen either my series of Newberry-Award-
winning childrens' books or my Pulitzer column in the Vancouver Sun?
Mike <Ami>: Go so to hell, Ky.
>"If I can," she replied reluctantly.
Mike <Ky>: I already get squiggly letters from some Charlie Brown kid.
>Ky looked up. Ami frowned, puzzled, as Ky went back to her work. If she
>could? What was that supposed to mean.
Crow: That she lost every bit of her knowledge and learning to figure
out this "chess" game.
>Ky was all ready to go.
>
>"Thank you, Ami," Ky said softly. Ky hugged her tightly. Ami returned
>the hug.
Mike <Ami>: It's too small and insincere. Take it back.
>Ky sniffled back a tear.
Tom <Ky>: SNNNNNNNNFFFFFF... okay, I'm over you now.
>"You've really helped me, Ames.
Crow <Ky>: Your miserable and pathetic defeat will only serve to
brighten my day for the next forty-five seconds. Care to play again?
>Goodbye. I wish you a good life." Without another word, Ky headed off
>down the hall.
Mike: And Ami breathed a sigh of relief at Shelley Long's disappearance.
Tom: Only to cry as Kirstie Alley made her debut soon after.
>"Goodbye, Ky!" Ami called out. It was only then, as Ky disappeared into
>the elevator, that Ami realized that she never asked Ky for her
>address, and Ky had never asked for hers.
Crow: The brush off was mutual, no further words were needed.
>Ami sighed. "Goodbye, Ky." Ami then started to pack up her things.
Mike: And we're still seeing this *why*?
>She would not leave for another twenty four hours, but there was no
>reason for her to keep out her chess set.
Tom: Ami knew she'd never recover that pawn she stuck up Ky's nose
though.
>That's when she noticed it. Sitting on her pillow was the white queen
>of Ky's chess set, next to a note.
Mike: A, two notes below middle C.
>Ami picked it up and examined it. Her hands shook and she nearly
>dropped it in surprise. The queen had changed. It now looked like a
>crystal version of the Moon Princess, holding the Moon Scepter over her
>head.
Mike: It's a good thing that the Bonk Branch survived Final Fantasy 1.
>Ami picked up the note.
>
>"Dear Ami," she read aloud, "this is my gift to you.
Crow <Ky>: I couldn't smuggle in the horse's head, so a reminder of your
humiliation should be sufficient.
Tom: Accompanied by a drawing of Ky's middle finger.
>You helped me through a really rough time, and I wanted you to know
>that. Keep this close to your heart. You will always have a place in
>mine. Ky. . . ."
>
>Ami realized that she was crying. Somehow she had become close friends
>with Ky.
Mike: It was so unexplainable that the author didn't even account for
it.
Tom <Author>: Just believe it! It REALLY happened!
>She never would have guessed it, but Ky was really a good friend. Ami
>was going to miss her.
Crow: Not half as much as I'm going to miss the lemon scene we were
gypped out of.
>**************************************************** ******** * * * **
Tom: Finally, a keyboard that just says "Screw you and your scene
changes."
>She looked over the five friends, in their four homes. Everything had
>to be perfect. She had to force the Princess into revealing herself.
Mike: We now take ths opportunity to present a logic puzzle!
Crow: If only the houses flashed like in that "Ghostbusters" game.
Tom: Just yell 'Free cake!' that'll bring her out in seconds.
>She tried to picture the Senshi in her mind, but could only draw a
>blank.
Crow <Kotanam>: If only Japan had a poster or something with her picture
on it!
Tom <Kotanam>: Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have thrown out that company
directory.
>She silently cursed the magic that hid the identities of Senshis as she
>praised it as well. After all, it just wouldn't do for the Princess to
>realize that she was being watched.
Crow <Kotanam, muttering>: Take it off, take it off, take it off.....
>She took a long time trying to choose. She settled on the Princess' s
>best friend and her cousin.
Mike: Because all that annoying mushroom would tell her was to look in
another castle.
>That would provide her with the access she needed. They would be easy
>to manipulate.
Tom: <Kotanam> Psst! Hey, got some caviar to eat and some polo ponies
to ride! Y'interested?
Mike <Kotanam>: A net on this side for them to run into, a Camilla mask,
and I'm set.
>She landed softly on the roof.
>
>"Reality Buster," she whispered. Dark energy snaked out of her staff,
>covering the household and everyone within it.
Crow: The role of Kotanam will now be played by The Shade.
Mike: So the hero suffocates the innocent people with her carbon
monoxide rod.
>She then floated back up toward the portal.
>
>"You will be aid us, Princess. Whatever it takes, you will serve our
>cause."
Tom <Kotanam>: For starters, we'll work on reinstating the law of
gravity. HELPPPP!!!
>Then she let the portal take her back.
Mike <Kotanam>: You may commence the sucking.
Tom: She can't wait to tell Mr. Tumnus.
>Chapter 9
>
>Ami shifted her bag. It was cutting painfully into her shoulder.
>She looked around the terminal, but saw no familiar faces. It was good
>to be home, but she was expecting the girls would be there!
Crow: Suddenly, she was horrified to see them near the exit, shaved bald
and wearing white togas.
Mike, Tom <girls>: WE REPRESENT THE CHURCH OF LUNAR CONSIOUSNESS. WOULD
YOU CARE TO MAKE A DONATION?
>Still, she had been looking for almost an hour. She hoped that Senshi
>business hadn't called them away unexpectedly.
Tom <Ami>: Screw saving the world, I need a hug!
>It felt good to be home. It meant she could get back to her normal
>activities.
Mike: Until the Parcheesi tournament next month.
Crow <Ami>: Finally, I can get back to testing Hunza Diet Bread on my
lab rats.
>She had missed a lot of study time to watch her opponents play. She had
>to get caught up. She had done a fair amount of studying on the plane
>ride home, but she was still three hours behind schedule.
Crow: 'Cause if it wasn't Samuel L. Jackson, it was those damned snakes.
>She hoped to never interrupt her studying for that long again.
Mike: Luckily she has already scheduled her American Gladiator tryouts
after her midterms.
>It had been fun, but it was time to get back to regular life.
>
>A small voice caught her attention.
>
>"Ami!" She looked around, and saw Rini. The little pink-haired girl ran
>toward her.
Mike: Ami calculated the distance... and dodged at the very last second.
As Rini hit the wall with a loud "squeak", Ami couldn't help but laugh.
>She threw her arms around Ami. "How was your trip?"
Crow <Ami>: Oh, I get it now. Insincere platitude, blanket affirmative,
and disingenuous request as to your health back at ya, kid.
>"Wonderful. But I missed you girls."
>
>"More then you missed studying?" Rini asked with a smile. Ami laughed.
Tom <Ami>: You'll always come second to my studies, silly!
>"Yes, even more then I missed studying."
Mike <Ami>: Hitting the books was fun but it doesn't compare to wailing
on you.
>"Come on," Rini urged, pulling Ami's arm. "The others are waiting." She
>grinned back at Ami. "We have a surprise for you, Ames!"
Crow <Rini>: Write an essay on your visit to Canada! It's due tomorrow!
Mike <Ami>: Aw, you guys... you totally rock!
>"For me?" Ami repeated. "You guys didn't have to do that." Rini just
>grinned, and pulled her though the mess of people.
Tom <Rini>: Everyone suddenly turned into zombies while you were gone
but the virus doesn't affect senshi... or dogs... which I find oddly
disturbing.
>"Serena didn't bake it, did she?" Ami asked. Rini giggled.
Mike <Rini>: You know she's not allowed within fifty feet of the
kitchen, silly!
Tom: The oven knob had long since been pulled off the oven, but Serena
makes do by setting the oven to "self-clean".
>"We don't want to kill you, Ami," she replied, pulling her sharply to
>the right. Ami stumbled after her.
>
>Ami followed Rini's insistent tugging to a small drink bar and arcade.
Crow <Rini>: Tattoo, how are ya! Dorf, my man, what it is? Prince,
good to see you!
>She could hear Serena's loud voice before she could see the neon
>green sign. Serena was playing a game, and it looked like a Sailor V
>game.
Mike: Sailor V vs. Capcom!
>Darien was crouched next to her. He was laughing.
Mike <Darien>: Haha! You got beat by Dan Hibiki!
>Serena was scowling, and screaming.
Tom <Serena>: Oh yeah? I'll show you, Darien! OYAJI!
>She was obviously losing to the girl in the other chair. Ami could
>hardly see the girl. Her long purple-black braid was draped over the
>back of her seat. The girl let out a whoop for joy.
>
>"Beat you Serena!"
Crow: So the chances of the author avatar being in the other chair are?
Mike: Off the board in Vegas.
>Ami's heart skipped a beat. She couldn't believe her eyes.
Tom <Ami>: Pit Fighter? You're actually wasting quarters on PIT
FIGHTER?!?
>The girl stood up and flashed at grin at Darien.
Mike: Darien contemplated taking his grin to see Maria Sharapova next.
>The girl was Ky.
>
>"Ky?"
>
>"Ami! Ami what are you doing here?"
Crow <Ami>: I'm just visiting my family, they moved here before I was
born and I usually stay with them for a number of years at a time.
>Ky ran forward, and hugged Ami tightly. "I thought I'd never see you
>again."
Tom <Ami>: Dammit, I haven't even had time to lie to my friends about
beating your sorry ass yet!
>"Surprised?" asked Rini.
Mike <Ami>: Yes, much like the moments after opening the gift of one
Jokey Smurf.
>"You knew?" asked Serena.
>
>"Of course I did," Rini shot back. "If you hadn't of been so busy
>with Darien you might have heard her say that she was just at the
>chess tournament in Canada."
Tom <Serena>: Did she mention the part where I mail your swarmy pink ass
to Abu Dhabi?
>"Calm down, Serena," Ami said, touching her friend's shoulder
>lightly.
Mike: Try the lithium, it's relaxalicious.
>She stepped in front of Serena. "How do you know Ky?"
>
>"She's was supposed to stay with my dad's sister, but she came down
>with something, so now Ky's going to stay with us for a while."
Crow: Wasn't this the original pilot episode for "227"?
>"Won't that be a bit cramped?" Ami asked.
Tom <Serena>: Nah, they'll fit under the bed with enough shovin'.
>"I'll survive," Ky replied with a grin. "This is great. You guys can
>show me all around Tokyo."
Mike <Ky>: I wanna see Godzilla! Show me Godzilla!
Crow <Ky>: Can I have a massage first? You guys are good at that sort
of thing right?
>"It will be my pleasure," Ami replied sincerely.
Crow <Ami, thinking>: ...to ditch you in the shopping district, right
before teaching you how to say 'I don't need any help, thank you.' in
Japanese.
>"Come on girls," Darien called, taking Ami's suitcase. "Let's get to
>the car."
Tom: Poor fools, they only have another three minutes to get to the Pit
Stop.
>Ami smiled at Ky. Ky was chatting with Serena and Rini as if
>they were old friends. Ami looked over Ky.
Crow <Ami>: To think there's a nine foot bug hiding somewhere in there.
>"This could be interesting," Ami thought. "Why do I have the feeling
>that there's more then coincidence to Ky's appearance here?"
Crow: It's actually slightly less, "contrivance".
Tom <Ami>: And why are my words appearing beside my head in a thought
bubble?
>She shrugged the thought off, determined to spend some quality time
>with her friends.
Mike <Ami>: Yes, Serena, I brought back some Maple Fudge.
>Chapter 10:
>
>Thunder awoke her.
Crow: Ami cursed, the television was still on and she still didn't want
Dianetics.
>She sat up, at first forgetting where she was. Then she remembered
>why she was lying on a cot.
Tom <Ami>: I'm in Korea! And I'm wounded! And I think Frank Burns just
botched my surgery!
>She yawned, and sat up. Her back hurt. She missed her own bed
>horribly.
Crow: Thankfully the Happiness Hotel had a vacancy and she was expert at
sneaking out in the middle of the night.
>"Good morning, sleepy-heads," said a cheerful voice. She looked over at
>the door. A blue-haired woman smiled at her.
>
>"Good morning, Ky. I've fixed up a special breakfast just for you."
>She went over to the bed where Serena and Rini slept.
Tom <Ky>: Zzzzz... just five more minutes... Zzzzz...
Mike <Ami>: Ky, we have to be at the tournament in half an hour!
Tom <Ky>: AHHHHH!! *thump* We're gonna be late! Where's my towel!? I
need to shower, I need to... to... oh, you bitch.
Mike <Ami>: Heh heh heh.
>"Get up, Serena," she added, her voice carrying a note of exasperation.
>
>"Ahh, mom," Serena mumbled. She pulled the pillow over her head.
>Rini did the same. Ky sighed. What lazy girls they were! It was a
>wonder they had befriended Ami.
Mike: Everyone needs a human alarm clock.
>After breakfast, the three girls took off to the video arcade.
Tom: Anyone want to introduce Serena to the magic that is MAME?
>Serena wanted a rematch. Ky really had little interest, but she did
>want to distract herself.
Crow <Ky>: Screw the universe, I'll play a video game where I... save
the universe.
>Besides, then she could get to know Serena and her cousin. She wanted
>to remain as close as possible to Ami, which meant she had to get close
>to her friends.
Tom: So that's why she's sleeping with them.
Mike <Ami>: She's not gone! She's never gone!!
Crow <Ky>: Is this some radical new therapy?
Mike <Ami>: SEE??
>Serena lead her to the Sailor-V section.
Crow: Fifteen arcade games, all supported by one blonde girl.
Mike: Yep, there's Sailor-V Bros, Punch-Sailor-V!!!, Sailor-V Invaders,
Ms. Sailor-V, Sailor-V Junior, Sailor-V 2084... *deep breath*...
Sailor-V Hunter, House of Sailor-V, Sailor-V's Lair, Sailor-V Jam,
Dance Dance Sailor-V, Dead or Sailor-V, Bust-a-Sailor-V, Smash Sailor-
V, and of course, Sailor-V II: The Senshi Warrior.
>Ky had never played a Sailor V game until the day before, but the
>controls were fairly simple.
Mike <Ky>: A hadouken is a hadouken.
>She had played hundreds of games like it in her home.
>
>"So where do you live?" Serena asked, putting in her coins.
>
>"A small town," Ky lied. "Just north of Toronto."
Crow <Ky>: And west of.... Vancouver. Yeah.
>"Which is?" asked Serena, starting to play.
>
>"In Canada," Ky replied, concentrating on the game. She made her little
>Sailor-V jump, and wondered what Sailor V stood for, what Senshi she
>was.
Mike: Clearly she was Sailor Mushroom Kingdom.
>Serena played much better, though Ky still beat her, and Serena still
>wined about it.
Tom: Her gaming sucked while her Kung-Fu skill grew by leaps and bounds!
>"Can we get some ice-cream?" Rini asked, reappearing. "Before you spend
>all our money?"
Crow <Serena>: Too late, these things are 300 yen a pop!
>"Sure, why not," Serena replied. "This way, Ky."
Tom <Serena>: *hic* I'll have the butterscotch rum, hold the
butterscotch...
>They sat in a park, eating their ice-cream. Rini ran off to talk to a
>strange looking man and a baby across the field.
Mike <Serena>: Grown men with children that look nothing like them...
ehh, the little booger can take care of herself.
Crow: Nearby, the 4chan Party Van lurked.
>"Serena, what does the "V" stand for?" Ky asked, licking her chocolate
>ice cream.
Tom <Serena>: First thing you need to know about V, it doesn't taste
like chocolate ice-cream.
>"Wha-at! You don't know who Sailor V is?" Ky flushed, but nodded.
Mike <Serena>: Good! More press for me!
>"She's Sailor Venus, one of the five legendary Sailor Scouts."
>"The five?" Ky repeated.
Mike <Serena>: Yeah, we killed off the others to encourage strong
growth.
Tom <Serena>: Plus they were prettier than me and we can't have THAT.
>"Sure. Sailor Venus, Sailor Mars, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Jupiter and
>Sailor Moon, of course."
>
>"Sailor Moon!" she thought.
Tom <Ky>: Pretty lucky gig for being the runt of the litter.
Crow <Serena>: Wha-at!
Tom <Ky>: Well, she represents a small moon and yet she gets to boss
around girls who represent entire PLANETS! Isn't that like Billy Barty
bossing around the Harlem Globetrotters?
>"Wow," she added out loud. "I only knew about Sailor Mercury."
Crow <Ami> Ha ha! I'm known internationally! You're still just a
Japanese fad!
>"Wha-at!" Serena screeched again. "Here, look, I'll show you. There are
>dolls and toys and everything.
Mike <Serena>: Nuclear Reactors! Pogo Sticks! Our live performance of
'Cats!'
Crow: Yeesh, are there earplugs?
>Gee, do you not have TV up in Canada?" Ky scowled.
Mike <Ky>: Fricking CBC.
>"Of course we do. But no Japanese channels."
>
>"Fair enough," Serena sighed. "Come on. RINI! We're going to the mall.
>Come on!"
>
>"Alright," Rini called back. "Give me a minute!"
Mike: Soon the cart was hitched, Rini yoked, and everyone was going to
the mall!
>They browsed the mall for the rest of the morning, stopping just
>after noon for lunch. Ky's stomach growled loudly. She could
>hardly believe she was hungry, but she was. They stopped at the
>food court.
Crow <Ky>: WHAT'DA MEAN YOU DON'T SERVE VINEGAR WITH YOUR FRIES?!?
>"So, what do you-" A scream cut Serena off. Above them, on the second
>floor, Ky could make out two lion-sized shadows.
Tom: Lion-O had escorted Pumyra to Frederick's of Hollywood...
>One of the shadows was attacking a woman.
Mike: If this Lion turns out to be from BC, just rush it. It'll fall to
the floor scared and fumble the ball.
>"Rini, get Ky out of here now!" Serena said.
>
>"But!"
>
>"Now, Rini!"
Mike <Serena>: I'd risk my daughter's life and more to save the life of
one Canadian!
>Rini pulled on Ky's hand, and dragged her into the running crowd.
Tom <Rini>: Just keep swimming!
>"This way! Hey, watch it!" Someone slammed into Ky. She turned, and saw
>a senshi. It was Sailor Mercury.
Crow <Mercury>: I've got to go catch Tuxy before he hides. He's
impossible to get out when he does.
>"Ky! Watch out!" screamed Rini. She pushed Ky out of the way of a
>falling vending machine.
Tom: I had no idea Ky signed up to guest-star on this week's "Police
Squad: In Color!"
>"Thanks, kiddo. You should get out of here. They need help."
Mike: There's not enough children playing around danger nowadays.
>"Naw, the Scouts can take care of themselves," Rini replied.
Crow <Rini>: They're self-cleaning models with no messy buildup and a
one year limited warranty.
>The two of them continued to run.
Crow <Ky>: Why are we trying to catch the old fat British guy?
Mike <Rini>: Someone told me that he has candy!
>Someone grabbed Ky from behind.
All: CONNNNGAAA!!!
>She pulled from their grasp. It was a Guardian. Or, at least he seemed
>to be. He wore the uniform of a Guardian, but had no crown.
Mike: And a paper hat with a large button marked TRAINEE.
>Instead, he had a top hat, and a white mask.
Tom <man>: Christine? Aren't you Christine?
>"It's alright," he said. "No one is going to hurt you. But there are
>more monsters down that hall.
Crow: And in that hall, SPIIIIIDERS!
Tom: And in THAT hall, a Jay Mohr sighting.
Mike <Ky>: AAUUGH!
>Rini, take her out through the back exit."
Mike <Rini>: Ya wants I make it look like a suicide, boss?
>"Got it, Tuxedo mask. Go kick their buts."
Crow <Tuxedo Mask>: Hey, that's YOUR job. I just throw flowers, man.
>"Will do, kiddo. Now get out of here."
>
>Ky followed after Rini, feeling truly bewildered.
Tom <Ky>: Wait, what's V again?
>Who was that masked man? Why did he seem familiar?
>Rini's grip tightened.
Crow <Rini>: WHO DO YOU WORK FOR!?
Tom <Ky>: Stop-op-op shak-ak-ak-ing memememe!
>The Guardian of Fire swooped down from the second story, grabbing Rini,
>and sweeping her up.
Mike <Fire>: Damn, she's sticking to the dustpan. Better get the
sawdust.
>Rini screamed, and tried to hold on to Ky. She grasped once more, but
>then he had her.
>
>"One more step, Senshi, and this girl pays the price."
Crow <Fire>: I'll stick a hundred dollar bill down her throat!
Mike <Fire>: Everybody's got a price for the Guardian of Fire!
Gyahahhahhahhahhahhah!!
>He addressed this to Sailor Mercury, and the Senshi with her.
Mike: Those "As Seen on TV" dudes are really practicing the hard sell.
>Ky ran. She had no choice. She had to escape. She had to help Rini.
Tom <Ky>: I can help from back there, where there's less of a view.
>******************************************************************** ***
>**************
Tom: <singing> The stars are black, the scene change's back.
Mike: [claps four times]
All: <singing> Deep in the heart of FANFIC!
>Ami looked over at Serena. She watched Ky run.
Crow: Maybe you should be slightly distracted by other things, such as
that cool mall fountain or the dude threatening murder.
>She didn't blame her friend. She would have run away too if she wasn't
>a senshi.
Crow <Serena>: Okay, Mercury, ready to be a human shield again?
Tom <Ami>: Mercury? Who's Mercury? I'm just an ordinary schoolgirl!
>"Let the kid go," Serena commanded. Ami looked over to where Darien was
>battling it out with the Guardian of Earth.
Crow: Anyone else getting this hilarious image of Darien getting pecked
to pieces by a duck?
Tom <Earth>: AFLAC!
>"You heard the lady, let the kid go."
Mike <Fire>: I *can't*! She's all sticky and stuff, like a big piece
of bubble gum.
>"Kotanam!" the Guardian of Fire made it sound like a swear word.
Tom <Fire>: Kotanam kids with their Kotanam powers... what's next, the
Kotanam Batman?!?
>Ami wasn't sure if she was happy to see the mysterious Senshi, or
>worried.
Mike <Mercury>: She's gonna ask about that $5 she lent me, dammit.
>"Your fight is with me, Earth, Fire. Leave these Senshi alone."
Crow: So, why hire Planeteer clones when the real ones would do it for
craft services?
>"Gladly. But only if you surrender.
Tom <Kotanam>: How about if I pretend to surrender and we give you
partial custody?
>You will serve our master." Kotanam stepped up beside her.
>
>"I'll never surrender, to you."
Tom: Without spitting? You're losing your cliche license!
>"Then the kid dies."
Tom: Oh, wait, your cliche license is up to date.
Mike <Kotanam>: Well, it'll kinda happen eventually anyway.
>"Venus love chain encircle!" Rini was yanked from the Guardian's grasp
>by Venus's attack.
Crow: Sure the attack caused severe hemorrhaging... but she's FREE!
>"Mars celestial fire surround!" Flame engulfed the Guardian of Fire. He
>laughed.
Tom <Fire>: Flames will be cheerfully deleted!
Mike: He's just a troll, Mars, it's not worth the effort to flame him.
>"Kotanam Gate!" The Guardian of Fire disappeared into a black warp
>hole.
Tom: Kotanam Gate, the offensive equivalent of eating Chinese food.
>Ami turned her attention to Darien and the Guardian of Earth.
Mike: At this point, both had cracked a brew and were complaining about
the Sawx.
Crow <Tuxy>: Friggin' David Ortiz.
>"Let me take care of him," Serena whispered.
Tom <Serena>: Moondusting may not be as CGI-y, but at least it gets the
job done!
>"No! She's too close. Let Kotanam handle it," Ami whispered fiercely.
>"You remember what she's after?"
Tom <Moon>: Ghost Whisperer, or Medium? Stupid CBS Friday schedule.
>"Right."
>
>"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" Ami cried. The Guardian was trapped in a case
>of ice. Kotanam made him disappear.
Crow <Kotanam>: Hot dogs 2 for $2 in the food court!
Mike <Earth>: Oh boy!
>"So you must be part of the legendary five," Kotanam said.
Mike <Kotanam>: Tiger, Crane, Snake, Monkey and...?
Tom <Serena>: Klutz.
>She turned to Serena. "You look familiar."
Crow <Kotanam>: Didn't you use to live in the Grudge house?
>"Back off, Kotanam," Ami said. "We could have managed without your
>help."
Crow <Ami>: Hell, we do this every freaking week!
Tom <Serena>: Sailor Moon Say...
Crow <Ami>: Not yet!
>"As you wish, Princess Mercury." Kotanam jumped up, and disappeared in
>a flash of blinding light.
>
>Ami sighed.
Mike <Photographer>: Beautiful! Just one more, sweetheart! *FLASH*
Tom <Ami>: How did you... oh, never mind, I don't want to know.
>"Alright, let's get out of here, Sailor Moon. Before that creep comes
>back."
>
>"Any vibes, Mars?" Ami called down. Rei shook her head.
>
>"She's protecting herself somehow. I can't get a feel for her."
Mike: Try taking your gloves off first.
>"Oh well. Let's go home. I need to study."
Tom: With her new tutor, Kintaro Oe.
>Ami jumped down after her friends. She paused when she found a green
>ribbon caught on a fake tree by the doorway.
Mike: It's Sailor Fake Ficus.
Crow: Pray you never cross her.
>She untangled it, and set it in her pocket.
>She decided that Sailor Mercury would have to visit Ky, but not today.
Tom: She needed to pick up her Sailor Scout cookies first.
Mike <Ami>: Thin Mints don't sell themselves!
Tom: I beg to differ.
Crow: Time to meet quota, guys...
As the dog-bone door closed, Mike and Tom were at the desk. There
were cards spread all over and in front of Tom was a card-holder with
four cards upright in front of him.
"Okay, let's see," Mike said, contemplating his hand. "I activate
Black Bishop and Knight two and engage three File cards to play my Rank
5 card. Dangit, that's a file burn, I lose a pawn. Do you have any
interrupts?"
"You betcha, Mike, pick up the third card there," Tom instructed.
Mike put his hand over the cards but was quickly interrupted by Servo.
"Third card, third card, from the left."
"Ahh," Mike replied. He turned the card, which was marked "Challenge
-- must discard piece(s) of strength two or greater". Mike consulted
the cards in front of him. "I choose to discard two more of my pawns,
Tom, I've got three left."
"Sweet!" Tom cried. "Pick up the second card, Mike."
"Okay... aww crap, "Pin - Queen Trample". Hokay, it says "five or
less", which piece did you manage to pin?"
"There's been no action on your rooks, so I take the knight!" Tom
chuckled.
"Now, I need to play either a check interrupt or another threaten,
it's my turn to draw again..." Mike trailed off as Crow reentered the
deck, dressed in a lime-green sailor fuku with sky-blue bows. "Oh, hey
Crow," Mike said nonchalantly.
"Shush! Mike, I'm 'Sailor Telstar' when I'm at work!" Crow protested.
"Bad news though, guys, there's a reorg goin' on."
Tom chuckled as Mike rearranged his cards. "Oh, you don't say. Hope
you get to keep your red stapler," Mike replied.
"Yeah, it sounds like now I'll be put in the R&D department. Man, I
hate that, they're usually crash-test dummies. And now I've got a
dotted line boss, Sailor Pointy-Haired Senshi. Already they need me to
document my processes for ISO 9001..."
"Uhh, what processes Crow?"
"TELSTAR! Well, I.. uhh.... I just eat the donuts, really."
"Yeah, that sounds about right," Mike mused. "Okay, Tom, I drew a
check card, waiting on you..."
"Dammit, Nelson, this always happens every time you shuffle!" Tom
complained.
Mike sighed and turned back to Crow. "Now what, Tailor Selstar?"
"Aww, I'll just realign myself with the division they're trying to
spin off, try to catch the next reorg just right, and keep my finger
in the wind," Crow said. "Welp, break's over, time to get back to
work!" He rushed offscreen.
Tom stared after him. "I thought you told me that he was a temp."
"Yeah, poor guy..." Mike replied. "He's with Manpower, the second
that they spin off they'll renegotiate the contractors. C'mon,
Servo, go... I've got a stopped clock card with your name on it."
"Oh, here it is Mike, I just found it... checkmate," Tom stated
blithely.
"Hey," Mike protested, "that card's from the banned Fischer expansion
set!"
"We didn't set any ground rules," Tom reminded him in a sing-song
voice.
"Come on, Servo, it's a -12! All it takes is a queen and a bishop,
or both rooks and two pawns! That'd never happen in real life! If I
took that much, I'd win by default!" Mike protested.
"It can so happen!" Tom contradicted. "What if you were pawn-blocked,
or didn't deploy correctly?"
"Look at the board, I've got like no pawns left!" Mike sighed. Just
then, the lights started flashing wildly. "Oh, we've got FIC SIGN!"
Mike yelled.
(Door #7: the dog-bone raises and the doors separate.)
(Door #6: a Dutch double-door. You open the top and fall over the
bottom.)
(Door #5: Just to spite you, it's a window.)
(Door #4: It's a garage door. You have to open it manually.)
(Door #3: "The Complete Works of David Eddings"... flame works well.)
(Door #2: It's a wardrobe. You open the door... but no Narnia.)
(Door #1: a vault door; after it shuts again, it effectively keeps you
inside.)
Mike entered the theater, carrying Tom. Tom was placed in the third
seat from the right, as Mike sat next to him. Crow sat in the far right
seat.
Tom: Man, you're lucky. Saved by the bell.
Mike: This isn't over, I know where my Mox Rooks are.
>Chapter 6
>
>The week passed very quickly.
Mike: Otherwise known as "It's montage time!"
Crow <singing>: You're the best! Around! Nothing's gonna ever keep
you down!
>Ami found the matches were getting harder every day, but she continued
>to win.
Crow <Ami as Bull Hurley>: YOU AIN'T SHIT!! Checkmate. RRRRRRRAAAARGH!!!
Tom: Ami for the top! YEAH!!!
>Nothing odd had happened since Sailor Kotanam had told her about
>wanting the Silver Crystal. It was Friday now, the second last day of
>competition. Ami and Ky were both playing in the semifinals.
Crow <Ami>: You know, this will be SO satisfying when I knock your loud-
snoring always-talking insensitive-clod-of-an-ass OUT of this
tournament!
Mike <Ky>: Look who's talking you obsessive-compulsive whacked-out
Japanese space-case!
Tom: I think this will be the first time that the words "Forfeited due
to removal of bishop from nasal cavity" will ever be uttered.
>"Checkmate." The young Canadian she was playing grinned.
>"Good job Ami," she said.
>"Thanks."
>"Good luck at the Finals tomorrow." She shook Ami's hand. "I bet you'll
>win."
Mike: So either Ky is the young Canadian, or the tournament thought it
would be an AWESOME idea to make both semifinals play at the same time?
Tom: Well, you can only stretch the awesomeness of a chess tournament so
far....
Mike: I can't imagine how the tens of people who stuck around for it
didn't have their brains explode from the raw passion.
>Ami felt her cheeks grow hot.
>
>"I'm not that good," she protested. The girl laughed.
Crow: False modesty is the key to humor? Damn, we've had it completely
wrong all these years...
>"Sure you are," she replied, as she headed off. "I'll see you at the
>winner's circle."
>"Bye!" called Ami as the girl disappeared out the door.
Crow: <Ami> Wow, what a good sport... wait, did she just compare me to a
horse!?
>Ami wandered up to the spectator's area, and watched Ky play her
>adversary. Ami had heard that Ky's opponent was a "queen grabber".
Crow: It's been years, I thought that most of Freddie Mercury's
boyfriends were dead by now.
>Sure enough, Ky did not have her queen. She did, however, seem to have
>control over the board.
Tom: Finally, we get to see the real-life story of Enron.
>"Checkmate," Ky said. The boy she was playing frowned.
>"But I had your queen!" he protested.
Mike: <Ky> And I had your baby. Now we're even, jerk!
Tom: Hey, buddy, a word of advice: next time, check her sleeves.
>Ami smiled to herself. The queen, though easily the most powerful
>piece, was not the most important piece.
Crow: That was the gat that Rico was waving around a half-hour ago.
>Ky had trapped the boy with knights and pawns, no small feat. She knew
>what she was doing.
Mike: Properly chastised, Billy took off. But he also had the only
chess board, so the tournament was called.
>Ami went down to congratulate her friend. The room filled with a thick
>smoke.
Crow: Ami lit up another one of her trademark cigars.
Mike: <Ami as Hannibal Smith> I love it when a gambit comes together.
>Ami staggered around. The smoke burned her lungs and stung her eyes. She
>sat down.
Tom <Ky>: Sorry, that's just leftovers from my winning pyro.
Crow: The fireworks and the theme song blaring in the background are a
bit much, aren't they?
>"Princess, we know you are here," said the familiar voice of the Earth
>Guardian.
Mike: And if pressed, Earth Guardian can do a damned good Jerry Lewis.
Tom <Guardian>: Freundlaven!
Crow <Guardian>: Oh senshi LAAAA-DYYYYY!
>"Come out," chimed a second male voice. Ami managed to escape into a
>nearby bathroom as people fled.
Mike: What a time to get a case of Mulroney's Revenge.
>"Mercury Crystal Power!"
>Ami returned to the smoke-filled room.
Crow: ...only to have her impassioned battle cry of love and justice
drowned out by the piercing shriek of the smoke alarms.
Mike: So in essence, the room already took away the ONE power she
possesses.
>"Mercury bubbles blast!" Her bubbles forced the smoke away.
Tom: *sigh*. Well, breathing is overrated anyway...
>Two Guardians stood in the center of the room. No one else seemed to
>be there.
Crow: Crap, the smoke failed! Prepare the mirrors!
>"You again?" sighed the Guardian of Earth. "Fire, take her down."
Tom: But if there is now no smoke, how can there be fire?
>"With pleasure," the other Guardian replied. He swept back his red
>cape and pulled out a large gun. He aimed it at Ami.
Mike <Fire>: Heh heh, wasn't expecting gunFIRE, were ya?
Crow: Guest Guardian -- Darkwing Duck.
>"You nightmares will be ours!" cried the Guardian of Fire.
Tom <Ami>: Good, you be the one wearing a bra and panties while talking
in front of the whole school!
>He fired the gun. A long, thin beam of black energy shot out, and hit
>Ami in the chest. She cried out in pain, and fell to the ground,
>darkness surrounding her.
Mike: Well, I guess that eliminates the need for "Kill Ami, Vol. 2"
>***** ***** ****** ******** ****** ***** ***** **** ***
Tom <Megane67>: I'd like to buy a vowel. An E?
>She swore heavily. She was too late. Sailor Mercury had been hit!
Crow <girl>: What are you guys doing? It was only supposed to be an
exhibition!
>"Fire I am sorry to see you here."
>"Don't be," he sneered. She frowned. The real Daniel was kind and
>gentle.
Tom: If only he hadn't taken a complimentary one-year training coupon
from the Cobra Kai.
>"You will join us soon enough, or you will die."
>"You forget, I am an Elite Senshi." She readied her staff. She could
>not use her Kotanam Gate now. They were too close to Mercury.
Mike: Oh, just wait a couple days, it'll go into retrograde.
>She blocked an attack as the Guardian of Fire unleashed Hibroy's
>powerful gun. The beam bounced off her staff as she brought it up to
>defend herself.
Crow: She learned that one playing goalie for the Manitoba Moose.
>"Sailor Kotanam, you will not escape this time," the Guardian of Earth
>said.
>"I don't want to hurt either of you, but you are not leaving me any
>choice."
Mike: I'm beginning to think that this isn't a musical.
>"You cannot hide on this planet forever. Soon our Master will come and
>use the nightmares of all who dwell on this pathetic planet to build
>his empire."
Crow: Steven Spielburg?
Tom: I would have guessed Tim Burton myself.
>"I will kill you if I must. This is the last time I give you a chance
>to keep fighting."
Mike <Kotanam>: And if you don't keep fighting me, I'll have no choice
but to... fight... you? Huh?
>"Fighting? Why would we fight our master? He has given us incredible
>power."
Crow: Like this large and powerful gun previously mentioned and fired!
>She had accomplished what she had set out to do.
Crow: She killed two pages of fanfic.
Tom: And here I thought only love padded the 'fic.
Crow: Love pads, she plods.
Mike: That was the most amazing jump cut ever. Epilogue, anyone?
>She had stalled them long enough for Mercury to regain her senses.
Crow: Regain her senses from a BULLET, people!
Mike: Fire forgot to check the side of the gun, where "NERF" was clearly
printed.
>"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" The two Guardians were frozen in place
>instantly.
Crow: It's a good thing Ami woke up, or Kotanam would have to admit she
ordered the Code Red.
>"You alright, Mercury?"
>"Fine," the other senshi replied. "Get rid of them.
Crow <Mercury>: Allow me to break the ice.
>Though, I must say your way isn't working too well."
Tom <Mercury>: I almost fell back unconscious when you were opening that
phone book.
Crow <Mercury>: What if you just keep talking, and another preachy
superhero shows up? Or Ultimate Warrior? Ever think of that?
>She smiled. The other senshi had a very valid point.
>"Kotanam Gate!" The two Guardians, her former friends, disappeared in
>a swirling column of light.
Mike: And just like generations of other away parties, she never even
bothered to hit her badge to request the beam out.
>She closed her eyes. She hated this. She just had to get the Silver
>Crystal. . . .
>Mercury was suddenly beside her.
Tom <Mercury>: What'cha thinkin' 'bout??
Crow: It must be purple nurple time!
>"What did they do to me?" she demanded.
>"Nothing, actually. If you had not been protected they would have
>taken control of your nightmares and of your body."
Mike: And the 'fic takes a hard right into fetishism.
>"My nightmares?" the other senshi repeated. "What good would they do?"
Crow: Comic relief, mostly.
Tom: It'd give this fanfic a good reason to break into a dream sequence,
radically increasing the words...
>"Your nightmares keep you in reality. Otherwise your dreams would be
>so beautiful that you'd never want to leave.
Mike: Endless dreaming about James Blunt? I can't think of a worse
nightmare!
>People would sleep their lives away. Dreams and nightmares must always
>be in balance, so the more beautiful a person's dream the more horrific
>their nightmares, thus the more powerful." Mercury blinked.
Tom: <Mercury> Can you state that in the form of a mathematical
equation?
>"And if you lose your nightmares?"
>"You lose control of your body. Hibroy takes it over, giving it one of
>his nightmares, from which there is no awakening without help.
Crow: So essentially, Hibroy is a cheap knock-off of Freddy Krueger.
Mike: It's a Nightmare on Yonge Street!
> Your spirit is trapped, and your body does Hibroy's will." Mercury
>shuddered. "That's terrible," she whispered.
Tom <Mercury>: Though I always wanted to be in the movies....
Mike <Kotanam>: Hibroy's previous experiments involved kidnapping and
forced 'fic reading, but he found the mind control ray much less messy.
>"You'll help me?" The other senshi paused, and finally shook her head.
Crow <Mercury> I left my change in my other compassion... err, fuku!
>"I won't try and stop you, unless you make a move against the Moon
>Princess.
Crow <Mercury>: Because I already asked her out and she's giving the
matter serious consideration!
>Then you and I will face off." She gave a helpless shrug.
Mike <Mercury>: See? Canadian slang. I'm already reaching across
cultures.
>"You can't win."
>"You'd be surprised," Mercury replied with a little smile. "We'd best
>get out of here.
Tom <Mercury>: The scene's not getting any warmer.
>Good luck, Kotanam. You'll need it." She disappeared out the door.
>"I don't put faith in luck."
Crow <Kotanam>: For good reason. I found a far more malignant force...
I call it "my author".
>Chapter 7
>
>Ami awoke early that morning. It was time.
Tom: Solemnly, she donned her fingerless chess gloves, tied her chess
bandanna around her head and emerged from her dressing room in her
chess robe, surrounded by security guards. As she lightly jogged down
an overexposed hallway to her theme music, she pushed her way through
sequined curtains to the thunderous roar of the crowd, her body bathed
with camera flashes as she performed her trademark poses before
approaching the cheap wooden table with her opponent sitting across
from her.
Mike <Ky>: Gonna bust you up.
Crow <Ami>: Go for it.
>The finals were right after breakfast. She wanted to be alert for her
>match against Ky. She had a feeling she would need it.
Tom: One jumbo box of Timbits later, a vibrating Ami hovered to her
match.
>Ky and Ami entered the game room together. This time there was no idle
>banter, no laughter between friends. This time they were opponents.
Mike: And nothing says 'deathmatch until the end between slobbering
insanely-mad competitors' like two schoolgirls at a chess tournament.
Crow <Ami>: Say, did you check out the new novel from...
Tom <Ky>: NO IDLE BANTER!
Crow <Ami>: Sorry, sorry!
>Ky's eyes sparkled with determination. Ami nodded at her friend once,
>and Ky gave her a half smile.
Mike <Ami>: Hey, how in hell did you get a first- through thirty-eighth
round bye?
Tom <Ky>: Let's just say my knees are killing me.
Mike <Ami>: Oh, so that's why your cheering section is the whole
stadium.
>"Play all out," Ky said to her as she took her seat. "I don't want to
>beat you unless you are going full out."
Crow: Ami shrugged and pushed Ky off her chair and down to the hard
wooden floor.
>"Don't worry about beating me, Ky." Ky looked amused. She turned her
>attention down to the chess board then, no longer meeting Ami's gaze.
Crow <Ky>: Hey, wait, don't I get $1500 to start? And I wanted to be
the car!!
>Ami played with all her might. She thought through every move before she
>made it, watching Ky's pieces as well as her own.
Tom: Where's John Madden when I need him!?
Crow <John Madden>: And watch Ami's bishop... here! Bam! Smashed the
stack! Watch it again... Bam!
>She spotted a weakness in her friend's defense. She took Ky's white
>queen with her own black queen.
Mike: Go Beyonce! Beat up Britney!
>"Check," Ami said softly. She scanned the board. Too late, she realized
>her error.
Crow: And after three weeks of near-constant battles interspersed with
matches and Canada, Ami realized that she forgot the difference between
a knight and a rook.
>Ky's face broke into a huge grin. She took Ami's queen with her rook.
>Ami cringed.
Mike: I would too, most novice chess-players wouldn't be so dense.
Tom <Ami, sobbing>: Why don't you grow some hair?!
>"Check mate, Ami." Ami smiled, and shook Ky's hand.
Crow: ...quickly palming the hundred dollar bill as she did so.
Tom <Ami>: You inconsiderate bitch, didn't even warn me of check on the
move prior, rot in hell and good game.
>After awards the two finalists had to do promotional photo sessions.
Crow: Ami squeezed into the loser's bikini while Ky just wore laurel
leaves in strategic spots.
>Ami smiled until her face felt it would crack.
>
>"Just another few shots, girls," the photographer said from behind his
>camera.
Mike: I suspect an Ed Wood film is sneaking around here somewhere.
Tom <photographer>: Now now, ladies, this is perfectly legitimate!
After all, our readers sure love their chests... CHESS! CHESS!!!
>Ami sighed inwardly, and repositioned herself in the old wooden chair.
>The ground began to shake.
Mike <Ami>: H-H-Hey, who set this thing to S-Swedish m-m-massage!?
>Ami shot to her feet just after Ky did. Ky ran out the door. It slammed
>shut behind her, trapping Ami and the photographer in the room. The
>photographer banged on the door.
Crow <Ky>: What's the password?
Mike <photographer>: LET US OUT YOU CRAZY BITCH BEFORE WE GET CRUSHED?
Crow <Ky>: Sorry, that was last week's password.
>"Lemme out!" he cried.
>
>"Sorry, buddy," said the voice of a young girl. Ami looked around. She
>spotted three people standing on the stage, under the lights. "But we
>need hostages."
Tom: Oh NO! Not another Three Lights concert! NOOOOOO!!!
>The photographer went deathly pale. The three people moved, and Ami
>could recognize them. The two men that stood on either side of the
>young girl where the Guardians of Earth and Fire.
Crow: Wind was still in the bathroom... passing gas.
>The girl was dressed in a Senshi uniform. It was all green, much like
>Jupiter's uniform. The gem on her tiara had a tree sillowet in white
>outline.
Mike: Psst, Senshi wannabe... you may want to take the price tag off.
Tom <Ami>: Nice cosplay outfit! Let me get my camera, Makoto will get a
real kick out of it!
>Ami stepped bravely in front of the man.
>
>"Let him go. I'll. . . I'll co-operate with you, but let him go." The
>girl laughed.
Crow <girl>: You'll co-operate? What do you think this is? Sesame
Street?
Mike <Ami>: I'll even develop a raging case of Stockholm Syndrome. He
was my first-ever photographer, don't hurt him!
>"Think you're so brave then, do you? Sorry, no deal."
Tom <Ami>: And here I was sympathetic to your cause too! Err, wait,
what cause are you on anyway?
Crow <Ami>: OK, sir, since you're going to die anyway, I'm using you as
a battering ram. Try not to hyperventilate when the first few shots
hit you and don't slump, I said DON'T SLUMP!!!
>"The two of us could raise quite a commotion," Ami warned softly. This
>time the two Guardians laughed.
Mike <Guardian, laughing>: It... It's like being scolded by Fred Rogers!
>"That's what we want. You'll draw the Senshi to us." Ami sighed
>heavily. She couldn't save the man without transforming.
Crow: So she settled for a right cross, downing the man long enough to
transform and think up an excuse worthy of Clark Kent.
>She put her hand in her pocket, touching her transformation pen.
>Reluctantly, she glanced back at the door, wondering if she could break
>through. She smiled when she noticed the hinges were on the inside.
Tom: Was this before or after she noticed that the ceiling was half
acoustical tile and half pencil garden?
>"Distract them," she urged the man. He nodded, and flew at the girl
>brandishing a wooden chair.
Mike <chuckling>: Wow, this guy doesn't hold anything back, does he?
Tom <Ami>: Dude, I said, distract! Not maim!
>Ami quickly pulled the door hinges up. The door swung open, then fell
>to the ground.
Mike: No, seriously, it takes me like five minutes to do that with my
door at home. And we're talking a short Japanese schoolgirl to boot.
What's the deal here?
>Ami lunged at their three captors with a loud cry. Startled, they
>looked at her. The photographer fled.
Crow: Three ostensibly super-powered people versus a photographer and a
schoolgirl... and they FAIL.
Mike: Oh, I understand now, these "Guardian" and "Senshi" titles must
all be ceremonial.
>Ami turned to follow after him, when vines wrapped around her legs. She
>fell to the ground.
Tom: The vines clearly hate the dub just as much as we do.
Crow: Oh, I get it now! The girl is green is Poison Ivy! Actually,
somehow that's even sadder.
>"Clever kid," the Guardian of Fire said, helping the girl lift Ami,
>tying her to the wooden chair with the vines.. "But that won't save you
>in the end."
Crow: So does the Guardian of Fire ever actually USE fire at any point?
Tom: Yeah, he's more like the Guardian of Whatever the Hell He Can Find
In His Backyard.
>Ami struggled against the vines, and hoped that Sailor Kotanam would
>show up in time.
>
>"Hey, Senshi, better show your face soon, or this girl will join us!"
Crow: How come I'm expecting the girl to twirl her mustache any moment
now?
>"I'll never join you!" They laughed at her.
Mike: Caption-- HA HA HA HA HA!
>"You will. Everyone falls in the end." The Senshi grinned at her.
>"You're nothing special."
Tom <Ami>: You're right! I now know that peer pressure is the only
impetus to do anything! Bite me, ABC After-School specials, I'm gonna
be bad now!
>"You're wrong," said a new voice. "This girl has a brilliant mind,
>Woods."
Crow <Voice>: No matter how many times I tell her to clean her room!
Mike <Ami>: Mom!?
>Ami sighed in relief. Sailor Kotanam had come.
Tom: Caption-- My hero!
>Sailor Kotanam entered through the broken door. A scowl was set on her
>face. "Can't Hibroy come up with a new plan besides attack civilians?"
Crow <girl>: Well, we tried attacking the military but they had all
sorts of guns and stuff.
>"Shut up, Kotanam," replied the girl, the one that Kotanam had
>addressed as "Woods".
>
>"Gladly, if you let the girl go." She held her staff out before her.
>The gems in it flashed on their own accord.
Crow: Are you sure the "glitter stickers" aren't catching the "light"
and "glittering"?
Tom <Kotanam>: And it only cost me 3000 games of Skee-ball at Chuck E.
Cheese!
>Kotanam looked over at Ami for a brief moment, surprise shining in her
>eyes. Ami frowned, wondering what the other Senshi saw.
Tom <Kotanam>: Wait, weren't there supposed to be five people in this
scene?
>Suddenly, a black beam shot at Sailor Kotanam. She rolled out of the
>way. The beam slammed into Ami.
Mike <Ami>: Yes, thank goodness Sailor Kotanam came so I could take yet
another shot for the team. *sigh*
>Ami expected to black out, as she had the first time she had been hit
>by the beam. She expected that the beam would reveal her true identity,
>that she was what Kotanam had called an Elite Senshi.
Crow: Instead, it just marked "2nd PLACE" on her forehead as all the
occupants of the room laughed.
>The black beam crackled around her, and turned silver. Ami stared,
>open-mouthed, as a silver beam shot off her, and slammed back into the
>Sailor of the Woods.
Tom: The international Domino Theory, played out in a bunch of wannabe
superheroes and ineffectual villains.
>The other Senshi went flying backward. She slumped to the ground, and
>didn't move.
Tom: When renting the pneumatic catapults, make sure that there are
scenes written for them.
>The two Guardians looked flabbergasted. Kotanam took advantage of the
>situation immediately.
Crow <Kotanam>: One shoelace... other shoelace... SCORE!
>"Kotanam Gate!" she cried. The two Guardians disappeared into
>the swirling black vortex, but the Senshi remained.
>
>Sailor Kotanam awoke the unconscious Senshi with simple smelling
>salts.
Mike: And a simple loud "HEY!" in her ear.
Tom: When that failed, she just slapped her silly. Wasn't effective,
but it was at least therapeutic to Kotanam.
>"Princess Kotanam?" the girl whispered, coming awake. "What, what
>happened?"
>
>"Shush now, sister Senshi.
Tom <Senshi>: Am I one of the Seven now?
>This girl saved you. Now, I will send you to a safe place,
Tom <Kotanam>: Just Visiting.
Crow <Kotanam>: Just wait for your contact, Chocolate Mousse, he will
provide more instructions.
>but only after I deal with the girl. Are you alright?"
>
>"I am. Thank you. The horror. . . .
Crow :It should be arriving any minute now. Any minute now.... any
minute.
Mike: Keep trying to delude yourself, the audience needs more
convincing.
>Oh, Kotanam, you just can't imagine it. I'm so sorry. . . ."
>
>"It's not your fault, sister Senshi. Hibroy's powers are beyond yours,
>but that is nothing to be ashamed of."
Mike <Kotanam>: If only you could get at his evidence, those photos of
you and Charlie Sheen...
>The Senshis gingerly touched Kotanam's hand. She rose.
>
>"I will wait for you in the nearest woods."
Mike <senshi>: I'll be cavorting with a few local satyrs.
Crow: Ummm, you're in Toronto? What woods? The local Ikea?
>"Alright. I'll find you shortly." The Sailor of the Woods disappeared
>in an explosion of leaves.
Tom: She died as she lived, crinkly and smelly when smouldering.
>Sailor Kotanam came over to Ami and untied her bonds.
Crow <Ami>: But I didn't give the safe word yet.
>"Thank you," she said simply. Ami stared.
>
>"For what?"
>
>"For freeing my cousin. I don't know how you did that, but it's clear
>you've been touched by the Silver Crystal.
Tom <Ami>: And I still have the welts to prove it!
>Even if that means nothing to you. . . . Any way, thank you." Then she
>disappeared into a red swirling portal.
Mike: No, you fool! That's the Kool-Aid Man's dimension! None have
ever returned from its delicious depths!
Crow: <muffled> OH YEAHHH!!!
>Ami shook her head. She headed off to find Ky.
>
>Chapter 8
>
>Ky was packing up when Ami arrived back at their room.
Tom <Ky>: Hand me those troubles over there, please, they go on top of
my cares.
Crow: Ami peered inside the suitcase. Literally hundreds of queens were
strewn about, in all sorts of shapes and sizes.
>She seemed to have forgotten all about what had happened at the photo
>shoot. Ami had noticed that no one seemed to remember any of the
>attacks. She figured that Kotanam had some ability to obscure what had
>happened.
Crow <Ami>: What about US?!?
Mike: Or... Ky's just a filthy coward who left Ami and that
photographer for dead... maybe you should, y'know, make sure?
>"Going so soon?" she asked, sitting beside her friend.
>
>"Yeah. My plane's in an hour. You played well today."
Mike <Ky>: But POORLY.
Crow <Ky>: Thirty minutes... you know, I can usually carry my little
brother that long before I finish him off, too.
>"Thanks Ky. Will you write?"
Tom <Ky>: Oh, you haven't seen either my series of Newberry-Award-
winning childrens' books or my Pulitzer column in the Vancouver Sun?
Mike <Ami>: Go so to hell, Ky.
>"If I can," she replied reluctantly.
Mike <Ky>: I already get squiggly letters from some Charlie Brown kid.
>Ky looked up. Ami frowned, puzzled, as Ky went back to her work. If she
>could? What was that supposed to mean.
Crow: That she lost every bit of her knowledge and learning to figure
out this "chess" game.
>Ky was all ready to go.
>
>"Thank you, Ami," Ky said softly. Ky hugged her tightly. Ami returned
>the hug.
Mike <Ami>: It's too small and insincere. Take it back.
>Ky sniffled back a tear.
Tom <Ky>: SNNNNNNNNFFFFFF... okay, I'm over you now.
>"You've really helped me, Ames.
Crow <Ky>: Your miserable and pathetic defeat will only serve to
brighten my day for the next forty-five seconds. Care to play again?
>Goodbye. I wish you a good life." Without another word, Ky headed off
>down the hall.
Mike: And Ami breathed a sigh of relief at Shelley Long's disappearance.
Tom: Only to cry as Kirstie Alley made her debut soon after.
>"Goodbye, Ky!" Ami called out. It was only then, as Ky disappeared into
>the elevator, that Ami realized that she never asked Ky for her
>address, and Ky had never asked for hers.
Crow: The brush off was mutual, no further words were needed.
>Ami sighed. "Goodbye, Ky." Ami then started to pack up her things.
Mike: And we're still seeing this *why*?
>She would not leave for another twenty four hours, but there was no
>reason for her to keep out her chess set.
Tom: Ami knew she'd never recover that pawn she stuck up Ky's nose
though.
>That's when she noticed it. Sitting on her pillow was the white queen
>of Ky's chess set, next to a note.
Mike: A, two notes below middle C.
>Ami picked it up and examined it. Her hands shook and she nearly
>dropped it in surprise. The queen had changed. It now looked like a
>crystal version of the Moon Princess, holding the Moon Scepter over her
>head.
Mike: It's a good thing that the Bonk Branch survived Final Fantasy 1.
>Ami picked up the note.
>
>"Dear Ami," she read aloud, "this is my gift to you.
Crow <Ky>: I couldn't smuggle in the horse's head, so a reminder of your
humiliation should be sufficient.
Tom: Accompanied by a drawing of Ky's middle finger.
>You helped me through a really rough time, and I wanted you to know
>that. Keep this close to your heart. You will always have a place in
>mine. Ky. . . ."
>
>Ami realized that she was crying. Somehow she had become close friends
>with Ky.
Mike: It was so unexplainable that the author didn't even account for
it.
Tom <Author>: Just believe it! It REALLY happened!
>She never would have guessed it, but Ky was really a good friend. Ami
>was going to miss her.
Crow: Not half as much as I'm going to miss the lemon scene we were
gypped out of.
>**************************************************** ******** * * * **
Tom: Finally, a keyboard that just says "Screw you and your scene
changes."
>She looked over the five friends, in their four homes. Everything had
>to be perfect. She had to force the Princess into revealing herself.
Mike: We now take ths opportunity to present a logic puzzle!
Crow: If only the houses flashed like in that "Ghostbusters" game.
Tom: Just yell 'Free cake!' that'll bring her out in seconds.
>She tried to picture the Senshi in her mind, but could only draw a
>blank.
Crow <Kotanam>: If only Japan had a poster or something with her picture
on it!
Tom <Kotanam>: Dammit, I knew I shouldn't have thrown out that company
directory.
>She silently cursed the magic that hid the identities of Senshis as she
>praised it as well. After all, it just wouldn't do for the Princess to
>realize that she was being watched.
Crow <Kotanam, muttering>: Take it off, take it off, take it off.....
>She took a long time trying to choose. She settled on the Princess' s
>best friend and her cousin.
Mike: Because all that annoying mushroom would tell her was to look in
another castle.
>That would provide her with the access she needed. They would be easy
>to manipulate.
Tom: <Kotanam> Psst! Hey, got some caviar to eat and some polo ponies
to ride! Y'interested?
Mike <Kotanam>: A net on this side for them to run into, a Camilla mask,
and I'm set.
>She landed softly on the roof.
>
>"Reality Buster," she whispered. Dark energy snaked out of her staff,
>covering the household and everyone within it.
Crow: The role of Kotanam will now be played by The Shade.
Mike: So the hero suffocates the innocent people with her carbon
monoxide rod.
>She then floated back up toward the portal.
>
>"You will be aid us, Princess. Whatever it takes, you will serve our
>cause."
Tom <Kotanam>: For starters, we'll work on reinstating the law of
gravity. HELPPPP!!!
>Then she let the portal take her back.
Mike <Kotanam>: You may commence the sucking.
Tom: She can't wait to tell Mr. Tumnus.
>Chapter 9
>
>Ami shifted her bag. It was cutting painfully into her shoulder.
>She looked around the terminal, but saw no familiar faces. It was good
>to be home, but she was expecting the girls would be there!
Crow: Suddenly, she was horrified to see them near the exit, shaved bald
and wearing white togas.
Mike, Tom <girls>: WE REPRESENT THE CHURCH OF LUNAR CONSIOUSNESS. WOULD
YOU CARE TO MAKE A DONATION?
>Still, she had been looking for almost an hour. She hoped that Senshi
>business hadn't called them away unexpectedly.
Tom <Ami>: Screw saving the world, I need a hug!
>It felt good to be home. It meant she could get back to her normal
>activities.
Mike: Until the Parcheesi tournament next month.
Crow <Ami>: Finally, I can get back to testing Hunza Diet Bread on my
lab rats.
>She had missed a lot of study time to watch her opponents play. She had
>to get caught up. She had done a fair amount of studying on the plane
>ride home, but she was still three hours behind schedule.
Crow: 'Cause if it wasn't Samuel L. Jackson, it was those damned snakes.
>She hoped to never interrupt her studying for that long again.
Mike: Luckily she has already scheduled her American Gladiator tryouts
after her midterms.
>It had been fun, but it was time to get back to regular life.
>
>A small voice caught her attention.
>
>"Ami!" She looked around, and saw Rini. The little pink-haired girl ran
>toward her.
Mike: Ami calculated the distance... and dodged at the very last second.
As Rini hit the wall with a loud "squeak", Ami couldn't help but laugh.
>She threw her arms around Ami. "How was your trip?"
Crow <Ami>: Oh, I get it now. Insincere platitude, blanket affirmative,
and disingenuous request as to your health back at ya, kid.
>"Wonderful. But I missed you girls."
>
>"More then you missed studying?" Rini asked with a smile. Ami laughed.
Tom <Ami>: You'll always come second to my studies, silly!
>"Yes, even more then I missed studying."
Mike <Ami>: Hitting the books was fun but it doesn't compare to wailing
on you.
>"Come on," Rini urged, pulling Ami's arm. "The others are waiting." She
>grinned back at Ami. "We have a surprise for you, Ames!"
Crow <Rini>: Write an essay on your visit to Canada! It's due tomorrow!
Mike <Ami>: Aw, you guys... you totally rock!
>"For me?" Ami repeated. "You guys didn't have to do that." Rini just
>grinned, and pulled her though the mess of people.
Tom <Rini>: Everyone suddenly turned into zombies while you were gone
but the virus doesn't affect senshi... or dogs... which I find oddly
disturbing.
>"Serena didn't bake it, did she?" Ami asked. Rini giggled.
Mike <Rini>: You know she's not allowed within fifty feet of the
kitchen, silly!
Tom: The oven knob had long since been pulled off the oven, but Serena
makes do by setting the oven to "self-clean".
>"We don't want to kill you, Ami," she replied, pulling her sharply to
>the right. Ami stumbled after her.
>
>Ami followed Rini's insistent tugging to a small drink bar and arcade.
Crow <Rini>: Tattoo, how are ya! Dorf, my man, what it is? Prince,
good to see you!
>She could hear Serena's loud voice before she could see the neon
>green sign. Serena was playing a game, and it looked like a Sailor V
>game.
Mike: Sailor V vs. Capcom!
>Darien was crouched next to her. He was laughing.
Mike <Darien>: Haha! You got beat by Dan Hibiki!
>Serena was scowling, and screaming.
Tom <Serena>: Oh yeah? I'll show you, Darien! OYAJI!
>She was obviously losing to the girl in the other chair. Ami could
>hardly see the girl. Her long purple-black braid was draped over the
>back of her seat. The girl let out a whoop for joy.
>
>"Beat you Serena!"
Crow: So the chances of the author avatar being in the other chair are?
Mike: Off the board in Vegas.
>Ami's heart skipped a beat. She couldn't believe her eyes.
Tom <Ami>: Pit Fighter? You're actually wasting quarters on PIT
FIGHTER?!?
>The girl stood up and flashed at grin at Darien.
Mike: Darien contemplated taking his grin to see Maria Sharapova next.
>The girl was Ky.
>
>"Ky?"
>
>"Ami! Ami what are you doing here?"
Crow <Ami>: I'm just visiting my family, they moved here before I was
born and I usually stay with them for a number of years at a time.
>Ky ran forward, and hugged Ami tightly. "I thought I'd never see you
>again."
Tom <Ami>: Dammit, I haven't even had time to lie to my friends about
beating your sorry ass yet!
>"Surprised?" asked Rini.
Mike <Ami>: Yes, much like the moments after opening the gift of one
Jokey Smurf.
>"You knew?" asked Serena.
>
>"Of course I did," Rini shot back. "If you hadn't of been so busy
>with Darien you might have heard her say that she was just at the
>chess tournament in Canada."
Tom <Serena>: Did she mention the part where I mail your swarmy pink ass
to Abu Dhabi?
>"Calm down, Serena," Ami said, touching her friend's shoulder
>lightly.
Mike: Try the lithium, it's relaxalicious.
>She stepped in front of Serena. "How do you know Ky?"
>
>"She's was supposed to stay with my dad's sister, but she came down
>with something, so now Ky's going to stay with us for a while."
Crow: Wasn't this the original pilot episode for "227"?
>"Won't that be a bit cramped?" Ami asked.
Tom <Serena>: Nah, they'll fit under the bed with enough shovin'.
>"I'll survive," Ky replied with a grin. "This is great. You guys can
>show me all around Tokyo."
Mike <Ky>: I wanna see Godzilla! Show me Godzilla!
Crow <Ky>: Can I have a massage first? You guys are good at that sort
of thing right?
>"It will be my pleasure," Ami replied sincerely.
Crow <Ami, thinking>: ...to ditch you in the shopping district, right
before teaching you how to say 'I don't need any help, thank you.' in
Japanese.
>"Come on girls," Darien called, taking Ami's suitcase. "Let's get to
>the car."
Tom: Poor fools, they only have another three minutes to get to the Pit
Stop.
>Ami smiled at Ky. Ky was chatting with Serena and Rini as if
>they were old friends. Ami looked over Ky.
Crow <Ami>: To think there's a nine foot bug hiding somewhere in there.
>"This could be interesting," Ami thought. "Why do I have the feeling
>that there's more then coincidence to Ky's appearance here?"
Crow: It's actually slightly less, "contrivance".
Tom <Ami>: And why are my words appearing beside my head in a thought
bubble?
>She shrugged the thought off, determined to spend some quality time
>with her friends.
Mike <Ami>: Yes, Serena, I brought back some Maple Fudge.
>Chapter 10:
>
>Thunder awoke her.
Crow: Ami cursed, the television was still on and she still didn't want
Dianetics.
>She sat up, at first forgetting where she was. Then she remembered
>why she was lying on a cot.
Tom <Ami>: I'm in Korea! And I'm wounded! And I think Frank Burns just
botched my surgery!
>She yawned, and sat up. Her back hurt. She missed her own bed
>horribly.
Crow: Thankfully the Happiness Hotel had a vacancy and she was expert at
sneaking out in the middle of the night.
>"Good morning, sleepy-heads," said a cheerful voice. She looked over at
>the door. A blue-haired woman smiled at her.
>
>"Good morning, Ky. I've fixed up a special breakfast just for you."
>She went over to the bed where Serena and Rini slept.
Tom <Ky>: Zzzzz... just five more minutes... Zzzzz...
Mike <Ami>: Ky, we have to be at the tournament in half an hour!
Tom <Ky>: AHHHHH!! *thump* We're gonna be late! Where's my towel!? I
need to shower, I need to... to... oh, you bitch.
Mike <Ami>: Heh heh heh.
>"Get up, Serena," she added, her voice carrying a note of exasperation.
>
>"Ahh, mom," Serena mumbled. She pulled the pillow over her head.
>Rini did the same. Ky sighed. What lazy girls they were! It was a
>wonder they had befriended Ami.
Mike: Everyone needs a human alarm clock.
>After breakfast, the three girls took off to the video arcade.
Tom: Anyone want to introduce Serena to the magic that is MAME?
>Serena wanted a rematch. Ky really had little interest, but she did
>want to distract herself.
Crow <Ky>: Screw the universe, I'll play a video game where I... save
the universe.
>Besides, then she could get to know Serena and her cousin. She wanted
>to remain as close as possible to Ami, which meant she had to get close
>to her friends.
Tom: So that's why she's sleeping with them.
Mike <Ami>: She's not gone! She's never gone!!
Crow <Ky>: Is this some radical new therapy?
Mike <Ami>: SEE??
>Serena lead her to the Sailor-V section.
Crow: Fifteen arcade games, all supported by one blonde girl.
Mike: Yep, there's Sailor-V Bros, Punch-Sailor-V!!!, Sailor-V Invaders,
Ms. Sailor-V, Sailor-V Junior, Sailor-V 2084... *deep breath*...
Sailor-V Hunter, House of Sailor-V, Sailor-V's Lair, Sailor-V Jam,
Dance Dance Sailor-V, Dead or Sailor-V, Bust-a-Sailor-V, Smash Sailor-
V, and of course, Sailor-V II: The Senshi Warrior.
>Ky had never played a Sailor V game until the day before, but the
>controls were fairly simple.
Mike <Ky>: A hadouken is a hadouken.
>She had played hundreds of games like it in her home.
>
>"So where do you live?" Serena asked, putting in her coins.
>
>"A small town," Ky lied. "Just north of Toronto."
Crow <Ky>: And west of.... Vancouver. Yeah.
>"Which is?" asked Serena, starting to play.
>
>"In Canada," Ky replied, concentrating on the game. She made her little
>Sailor-V jump, and wondered what Sailor V stood for, what Senshi she
>was.
Mike: Clearly she was Sailor Mushroom Kingdom.
>Serena played much better, though Ky still beat her, and Serena still
>wined about it.
Tom: Her gaming sucked while her Kung-Fu skill grew by leaps and bounds!
>"Can we get some ice-cream?" Rini asked, reappearing. "Before you spend
>all our money?"
Crow <Serena>: Too late, these things are 300 yen a pop!
>"Sure, why not," Serena replied. "This way, Ky."
Tom <Serena>: *hic* I'll have the butterscotch rum, hold the
butterscotch...
>They sat in a park, eating their ice-cream. Rini ran off to talk to a
>strange looking man and a baby across the field.
Mike <Serena>: Grown men with children that look nothing like them...
ehh, the little booger can take care of herself.
Crow: Nearby, the 4chan Party Van lurked.
>"Serena, what does the "V" stand for?" Ky asked, licking her chocolate
>ice cream.
Tom <Serena>: First thing you need to know about V, it doesn't taste
like chocolate ice-cream.
>"Wha-at! You don't know who Sailor V is?" Ky flushed, but nodded.
Mike <Serena>: Good! More press for me!
>"She's Sailor Venus, one of the five legendary Sailor Scouts."
>"The five?" Ky repeated.
Mike <Serena>: Yeah, we killed off the others to encourage strong
growth.
Tom <Serena>: Plus they were prettier than me and we can't have THAT.
>"Sure. Sailor Venus, Sailor Mars, Sailor Mercury, Sailor Jupiter and
>Sailor Moon, of course."
>
>"Sailor Moon!" she thought.
Tom <Ky>: Pretty lucky gig for being the runt of the litter.
Crow <Serena>: Wha-at!
Tom <Ky>: Well, she represents a small moon and yet she gets to boss
around girls who represent entire PLANETS! Isn't that like Billy Barty
bossing around the Harlem Globetrotters?
>"Wow," she added out loud. "I only knew about Sailor Mercury."
Crow <Ami> Ha ha! I'm known internationally! You're still just a
Japanese fad!
>"Wha-at!" Serena screeched again. "Here, look, I'll show you. There are
>dolls and toys and everything.
Mike <Serena>: Nuclear Reactors! Pogo Sticks! Our live performance of
'Cats!'
Crow: Yeesh, are there earplugs?
>Gee, do you not have TV up in Canada?" Ky scowled.
Mike <Ky>: Fricking CBC.
>"Of course we do. But no Japanese channels."
>
>"Fair enough," Serena sighed. "Come on. RINI! We're going to the mall.
>Come on!"
>
>"Alright," Rini called back. "Give me a minute!"
Mike: Soon the cart was hitched, Rini yoked, and everyone was going to
the mall!
>They browsed the mall for the rest of the morning, stopping just
>after noon for lunch. Ky's stomach growled loudly. She could
>hardly believe she was hungry, but she was. They stopped at the
>food court.
Crow <Ky>: WHAT'DA MEAN YOU DON'T SERVE VINEGAR WITH YOUR FRIES?!?
>"So, what do you-" A scream cut Serena off. Above them, on the second
>floor, Ky could make out two lion-sized shadows.
Tom: Lion-O had escorted Pumyra to Frederick's of Hollywood...
>One of the shadows was attacking a woman.
Mike: If this Lion turns out to be from BC, just rush it. It'll fall to
the floor scared and fumble the ball.
>"Rini, get Ky out of here now!" Serena said.
>
>"But!"
>
>"Now, Rini!"
Mike <Serena>: I'd risk my daughter's life and more to save the life of
one Canadian!
>Rini pulled on Ky's hand, and dragged her into the running crowd.
Tom <Rini>: Just keep swimming!
>"This way! Hey, watch it!" Someone slammed into Ky. She turned, and saw
>a senshi. It was Sailor Mercury.
Crow <Mercury>: I've got to go catch Tuxy before he hides. He's
impossible to get out when he does.
>"Ky! Watch out!" screamed Rini. She pushed Ky out of the way of a
>falling vending machine.
Tom: I had no idea Ky signed up to guest-star on this week's "Police
Squad: In Color!"
>"Thanks, kiddo. You should get out of here. They need help."
Mike: There's not enough children playing around danger nowadays.
>"Naw, the Scouts can take care of themselves," Rini replied.
Crow <Rini>: They're self-cleaning models with no messy buildup and a
one year limited warranty.
>The two of them continued to run.
Crow <Ky>: Why are we trying to catch the old fat British guy?
Mike <Rini>: Someone told me that he has candy!
>Someone grabbed Ky from behind.
All: CONNNNGAAA!!!
>She pulled from their grasp. It was a Guardian. Or, at least he seemed
>to be. He wore the uniform of a Guardian, but had no crown.
Mike: And a paper hat with a large button marked TRAINEE.
>Instead, he had a top hat, and a white mask.
Tom <man>: Christine? Aren't you Christine?
>"It's alright," he said. "No one is going to hurt you. But there are
>more monsters down that hall.
Crow: And in that hall, SPIIIIIDERS!
Tom: And in THAT hall, a Jay Mohr sighting.
Mike <Ky>: AAUUGH!
>Rini, take her out through the back exit."
Mike <Rini>: Ya wants I make it look like a suicide, boss?
>"Got it, Tuxedo mask. Go kick their buts."
Crow <Tuxedo Mask>: Hey, that's YOUR job. I just throw flowers, man.
>"Will do, kiddo. Now get out of here."
>
>Ky followed after Rini, feeling truly bewildered.
Tom <Ky>: Wait, what's V again?
>Who was that masked man? Why did he seem familiar?
>Rini's grip tightened.
Crow <Rini>: WHO DO YOU WORK FOR!?
Tom <Ky>: Stop-op-op shak-ak-ak-ing memememe!
>The Guardian of Fire swooped down from the second story, grabbing Rini,
>and sweeping her up.
Mike <Fire>: Damn, she's sticking to the dustpan. Better get the
sawdust.
>Rini screamed, and tried to hold on to Ky. She grasped once more, but
>then he had her.
>
>"One more step, Senshi, and this girl pays the price."
Crow <Fire>: I'll stick a hundred dollar bill down her throat!
Mike <Fire>: Everybody's got a price for the Guardian of Fire!
Gyahahhahhahhahhahhah!!
>He addressed this to Sailor Mercury, and the Senshi with her.
Mike: Those "As Seen on TV" dudes are really practicing the hard sell.
>Ky ran. She had no choice. She had to escape. She had to help Rini.
Tom <Ky>: I can help from back there, where there's less of a view.
>******************************************************************** ***
>**************
Tom: <singing> The stars are black, the scene change's back.
Mike: [claps four times]
All: <singing> Deep in the heart of FANFIC!
>Ami looked over at Serena. She watched Ky run.
Crow: Maybe you should be slightly distracted by other things, such as
that cool mall fountain or the dude threatening murder.
>She didn't blame her friend. She would have run away too if she wasn't
>a senshi.
Crow <Serena>: Okay, Mercury, ready to be a human shield again?
Tom <Ami>: Mercury? Who's Mercury? I'm just an ordinary schoolgirl!
>"Let the kid go," Serena commanded. Ami looked over to where Darien was
>battling it out with the Guardian of Earth.
Crow: Anyone else getting this hilarious image of Darien getting pecked
to pieces by a duck?
Tom <Earth>: AFLAC!
>"You heard the lady, let the kid go."
Mike <Fire>: I *can't*! She's all sticky and stuff, like a big piece
of bubble gum.
>"Kotanam!" the Guardian of Fire made it sound like a swear word.
Tom <Fire>: Kotanam kids with their Kotanam powers... what's next, the
Kotanam Batman?!?
>Ami wasn't sure if she was happy to see the mysterious Senshi, or
>worried.
Mike <Mercury>: She's gonna ask about that $5 she lent me, dammit.
>"Your fight is with me, Earth, Fire. Leave these Senshi alone."
Crow: So, why hire Planeteer clones when the real ones would do it for
craft services?
>"Gladly. But only if you surrender.
Tom <Kotanam>: How about if I pretend to surrender and we give you
partial custody?
>You will serve our master." Kotanam stepped up beside her.
>
>"I'll never surrender, to you."
Tom: Without spitting? You're losing your cliche license!
>"Then the kid dies."
Tom: Oh, wait, your cliche license is up to date.
Mike <Kotanam>: Well, it'll kinda happen eventually anyway.
>"Venus love chain encircle!" Rini was yanked from the Guardian's grasp
>by Venus's attack.
Crow: Sure the attack caused severe hemorrhaging... but she's FREE!
>"Mars celestial fire surround!" Flame engulfed the Guardian of Fire. He
>laughed.
Tom <Fire>: Flames will be cheerfully deleted!
Mike: He's just a troll, Mars, it's not worth the effort to flame him.
>"Kotanam Gate!" The Guardian of Fire disappeared into a black warp
>hole.
Tom: Kotanam Gate, the offensive equivalent of eating Chinese food.
>Ami turned her attention to Darien and the Guardian of Earth.
Mike: At this point, both had cracked a brew and were complaining about
the Sawx.
Crow <Tuxy>: Friggin' David Ortiz.
>"Let me take care of him," Serena whispered.
Tom <Serena>: Moondusting may not be as CGI-y, but at least it gets the
job done!
>"No! She's too close. Let Kotanam handle it," Ami whispered fiercely.
>"You remember what she's after?"
Tom <Moon>: Ghost Whisperer, or Medium? Stupid CBS Friday schedule.
>"Right."
>
>"Mercury Aqua Rhapsody!" Ami cried. The Guardian was trapped in a case
>of ice. Kotanam made him disappear.
Crow <Kotanam>: Hot dogs 2 for $2 in the food court!
Mike <Earth>: Oh boy!
>"So you must be part of the legendary five," Kotanam said.
Mike <Kotanam>: Tiger, Crane, Snake, Monkey and...?
Tom <Serena>: Klutz.
>She turned to Serena. "You look familiar."
Crow <Kotanam>: Didn't you use to live in the Grudge house?
>"Back off, Kotanam," Ami said. "We could have managed without your
>help."
Crow <Ami>: Hell, we do this every freaking week!
Tom <Serena>: Sailor Moon Say...
Crow <Ami>: Not yet!
>"As you wish, Princess Mercury." Kotanam jumped up, and disappeared in
>a flash of blinding light.
>
>Ami sighed.
Mike <Photographer>: Beautiful! Just one more, sweetheart! *FLASH*
Tom <Ami>: How did you... oh, never mind, I don't want to know.
>"Alright, let's get out of here, Sailor Moon. Before that creep comes
>back."
>
>"Any vibes, Mars?" Ami called down. Rei shook her head.
>
>"She's protecting herself somehow. I can't get a feel for her."
Mike: Try taking your gloves off first.
>"Oh well. Let's go home. I need to study."
Tom: With her new tutor, Kintaro Oe.
>Ami jumped down after her friends. She paused when she found a green
>ribbon caught on a fake tree by the doorway.
Mike: It's Sailor Fake Ficus.
Crow: Pray you never cross her.
>She untangled it, and set it in her pocket.
>She decided that Sailor Mercury would have to visit Ky, but not today.
Tom: She needed to pick up her Sailor Scout cookies first.
Mike <Ami>: Thin Mints don't sell themselves!
Tom: I beg to differ.
Crow: Time to meet quota, guys...