Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ ABSENCE: May the Farce be with you! ❯ All the stuff that happened in the first chapter ( Chapter 1 )

Opening monologue: Do you REALLY think that I own Sailor Moon? I didn't think so. Anyway, I know that I said I would be retiring, but I couldn't resist this one entry! As some of us know, before the great NC-17 ban, there was an author on this site named Kirika (as in Noir), and she was writing a shoujo-ai story called "Absence", which was a pretty epic novel full of delicious angst, blood, gore, yuri, more angst, more blood and gore, and more yuri. Wasn't that a great story? If you missed it, go to Mediaminer.org and check it out.

The purpose of this story is to bestow the ultimate honor upon the work of another author. I have been given permission to spoof, parody, and make a senseless farce out of Kirika's story, and since I loved it so much, I am now going to destroy it upon the rocks of hilarity. I repeat, I HAVE HER PERMISSION TO DO THIS, so don't be crying to any of the site administrators, ya little snitches! Anyway, prepare yourself for an ooey-gooey laugh fest that promises to turn a tear-jerking romance/angst/action story into a pointless, stupid, waste of everybody's time. It's going to be great.

And now, without further to do…

I present to you…

…(Wait for it!)

ABSENCE:

MAY THE FARCE BE WITH YOU!

Chapter One: All the stuff that happened in the first chapter

Once upon a merry olde time, there lived in the merry olde town of Tokyo a young lady, a merry olde soul named Rei Hino, who was busying herself on such a calm and merry olde day with reading a merry olde book!

"I am reading a merry olde book!" she declared. Yes, indeed, the book was quite merry and olde, and as each merry olde page was turned, her merry olde eyes absorbed every merry olde letter, and took in every merry olde plot development--

"Enough with all the merry olde crap!" she shouted suddenly. "If you keep on yammering, I'm gonna kick you in your merry olde groin!" Oh no! Young Rei Hino was not so merry and olde anymore! In fact, she was quite agitated and young! Some foul demon had interrupted her merry olde book-reading, and--

THWACK!!!

UGGHNN!!

………

…Right!

Anyway, Rei Hino was enjoying the merry olde--

"Don't you get any ideas, buster!" she snarled suddenly. The narrator apologized, and went on with the story, speaking in an English accent--and a terrible one, at that! Anyway, Rei Hino was enjoying the lovely day, when all of a sudden, her friend Ami Mizuno came out of nowhere!!!

"Rei! You gotta help us! A monster is attacking downtown Tokyo!"

"Oh no!" exclaimed Rei. "I've gotta help! Lead the way, pretty chickadee of blue hair!!" Ami and Rei whooshed off away from the temple shrine where Rei lived, and appeared a few seconds later in the next scene, which was downtown Tokyo. All of the other Sailor Senshi were there as well: Sailor Jupiter, the brave, Sailor Moon, the pure, and Sailor Star, the not-quite-as-brave-as-Sailor-Jupiter, who had nearly fought against the demons of Drizill, who had nearly stood up to the sheep of Alduhr, and who had personally wet herself at the battle of Okinawa Hill. And then, there was the aptly-named, Sailor Not Appearing In This Story.

Together, all nine-hundred and forty seven soldiers of love, beauty, truth, and breakfast cereals had gathered together and summoned up all their might to destroy one tiny little imp. Rei and Ami joined the fray as Sailor Mars and Sailor Mercury, and together, they fought against the tiny critter.

"That must be the monster you told me about!" exclaimed Mars. "Wow! He sure does look nasty!"

"He is!" grunted Jupiter. "It's taken all six million of us to gang up on this creep and slap him stupid! But I'm glad you're here! Now we stand a fighting chance!"

"Yes!" agreed Mercury. "Let's go clean his clock!" All of the girls and their one single lonely male companion agreed, and produced rags and buckets and polish from out of their pockets, and began to clean the imp's clocks (I know, you saw that one coming a mile away).

"Insolent fools!" declared the evil imp. "I shall slay thee with mine sword and mine scabbard!" The imp pulled out of his mighty scabbard a sword, a sword of which had the exceptional power of tickling its opponents into stupidity, subjugation, and perhaps, at best, an uncontrollable fit of girlish giggling. The imp wielded his lethal sword of tickling, and struck Sailor Moon with it verily.

"I have no idea what verily means, but that tickled!" cried the leader. She laughed and cried more, rolling to the ground as she was tortured by the all-powerful tickling sword. Sailor Mars and the others, who were just finishing with the cleaning of clocks, noticed that their beloved leader was being brutally tortured. Thus, they scrubbed all the faster, finished their work (cursing about "stubborn grass stains" as they did), and finished just in time to save their leader.

"Rally ho!" exclaimed Mars. "Let's go use all our powers on that creature until he doesn't seem to be moving, then we'll hold a bar mitzvah and a luau, then we'll kill him again!" And there was much rejoicing.

"Yay!" The girls did exactly this, first by flinging all their unnatural powers at the ignoble beast, then, they threw a salvo of water balloons, rubber chickens, and straw wrappings at him. The imp, being bombarded by so many attacks from al sorts of directions, lurched backwards in pain, accidentally knocking over a pillar that seemed to come out of nowhere.

"How'd that get there??" wondered Sailor Saturn. She turned to see if anybody else knew.

"Perhaps it was carried?"

"What? How does a person carry a pillar?"

"They could grip it by the foundation!"

"It's not a question of where it grips it, it's a simple matter of weight ratio! A 180-pound human could not carry a 600-pound column!"

"What about an African human?"

"Ah, yes, that could work, but African humans aren't migratory."

"I've got it! Supposing two humans carried it together?"

"Nah, it would look dumb then!" The girls were so busy arguing amongst themselves that they did not notice the entire building collapsing around them. It didn't matter that they had been outside for most of the story; the author said so and that's the way it went! Anyhow, the merry olde building began to collapse--

THWACK!!!

UUGGHN!!

…Right!

Anyway, the building began to tumble, and so with as much speed as they could, the army of Sailor Scouts ran out of the building. However, Sailor Mars was not so quick, and, having slipped on a banana peel to accentuate the slapstick humor, she tripped and fell and received the brunt of the ceiling as it fell right on top of her. A mighty crash shook the whole area, and a cloud of dust was coughed out of the remains of the destroyed building.

For awhile, silence.

"Wow… who knew that one single pillar would be holding up that much weight?" said Venus. Everybody groaned. Sailor Moon ran towards the building, or what was left of it, and screamed out with all her might for the Sailor Senshi that had been caught under it.

"Oh my god, they killed Rei! You monsters!"

"I'm not dead!" came the muffled voice of Rei. Sailor Moon's eyebrows crossed in confusion.

"What?"

"I'm not dead!"

"Oh. Uh, Oh my god, they mortally wounded Rei! You monsters!"

"I think I'm getting better!" she called out. Sailor Moon snarled and said a naughty word, and suddenly, for no reason at all, the entire building blew up in a mighty explosion, sending Sailor Moon flying backwards. As debris, smoke, flames, and little tiny imp-pieces flew in the air, all the other Senshi gasped in awe at the wonderful special effects.

"Wow, cool!" squealed Venus. "She won't be back for the sequel!" The other Senshi agreed, and they all began to cry because Rei was dead. However, she was not! She was still alive! How did she survive that explosion, you ask?

Simple.

She crouched.

To be kontinued!