Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ ABSENCE: May the Farce be with you! ❯ All the stuff that happened in the SECOND chapter! ( Chapter 2 )

Chapter Two: All the stuff that happened in the SECOND chapter

Enter: The Angst-inator! YOU WILL CRY OR ELSE WE KILL YOU ALL!!!!!!

Anyway, Rei Hino magically found herself underneath the magical rubble of the magical building that had magically fallen on top of her. Using her MAD SKILLZ, Rei avoided being turned into a pancake by a small margarine and lived to love again. Or was it loved to live again? Well, whatever it was, our most noble and black-haired beauty of a bombshell was alive and well, but was stuck underground with lots of really nasty things with big pointy teeth! Grrr!

"Oh no!" exclaimed Rei. "I'm stuck underground with lots of really nasty things with big pointed teeth! Grrr!" Hey, I said that! "Silence, foolish mortal!" Yes, ma'am.

Rei began to search for a way out of her predicament, and since the first paragraph of this chapter clearly stated that there was magic involved, she used her magical hands to push against the magical brick wall, and all of a sudden, it gave way! She was free! FREE! Free, I tell you! Now that Rei was free, one had to wonder what she was going to do! Would she rejoin her friends and do battle with more nasty imps with tickling swords??

"No way, Jose!" she spat. "I'm going to Disneyland!" And so, squealing like a seven year-old child that had just ate her own weight in candy, Rei skipped merrily to the nearest train station and screamed for the conductor to take her to Disneyland.

"I DEMAND THAT YOU TAKE ME TO DISNEYLAND OR ELSE!!!!!" she roared.

"But Miss! That's in California!" he protested. "We're in Japan!"

"I DON'T CARE! DO IT OR ELSE!!!!" The conductor, not wanting to be smothered by all the words that had been written with the caps lock on, agreed verily and started the magical train that would take Rei to the most magicalest place on Earth!

"Yippee!" she squealed. "I'm gonna go to Disneyland, I'm gonna go to Disneyland, I'm gonna go to Disneyland!" For the entire trip there, she sang the same song over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. The passengers, who had gotten tired of the song five minutes after boarding, ran screaming off the train and leaped out, even if there was nothing to leap onto.

"She can't take much moore of it, Cap'n!" declared Scottie. "Ah'm gonna have to activate an all-system shutdown!"

"Don't you… do it… Scottie!" ordered Captain Kirk. "We'll… find a way… to… avoid this… new crisis!"

"But she's singin' at the top'a her loongs!" argued Scottie. "The whole ship's gonna blow if she keeps on yappin'!"

"Then there's… only one thing we… can do," said Kirk.

"What's that?"

"We're… going to have to ask the… conductor to… let her off somewhere!"

"Is that legal? Can ya do it?"

"I… pray that we can, Scottie. I pray that… we can!" And so, Captain Kirk and Scottie got up and asked the conductor to kick poor singing musical Rei off the train. He gladly obliged, and literally applied Boot to Butt to get rid of the harmonious nuisance. Rei crashed on the floor as she was expelled from the train, and let a scream come out of her mouth as she cursed the train and its stupid crew.

"Stupid train!" she screamed. "Stupid crew! Fine! FINE! Screw you guys! I'll have just as much fun in…" Rei paused, squinted her eyes, and looked u at the nearest sign in order to determine where she was. Vaguely, she could make out the letters.

"I'll have just as much fun in…… 'No Smoking in the Station'. …Gosh, that sure is a weird name for a town! Oh well! La, la, la, la…" Humming merrily, Rei skipped out of the train station and back up to the surface world. There, she took in an enormous breath of air, smiled a huge smile, and spread her arms out as if to hug the place.

"AH!!! I'm so glad to be living here in No Smoking in the Station! Look out, town, cuz Rei is on the prowl!!" She grinned and growled, holding up a balled fist as she declared supremacy. Meanwhile, every passerby was staring at her, and in a way that was hardly flattering. One mother even hid her child's eyes as they scurried past the demented woman's position.

Meanwhile, in the Great Hall of the Injustice League…

Gathered around a long rectangular table were several of the anti-universe's greatest villains to ever live in the history of any time that there was a great villain. They were all naughty little boys and girls, and very wicked, and they usually didn't take baths or do their homework or even feed their fish! One of them kicked a puppy dog! How awful!

First, there was Thrinakie, an evil creature who had the ability to be Super-Old. He could even shape-shift into a buzzard and eat rotting flesh really, really fast! After him, in terms of age (Thrinakie's superpower enabled him to be so old, he called Dick Clark a "little whippersnapper"), there came Makareus, who had Super-Face-Changing abilities, and a Super Tuxedo that never got dirty! His evil sidekick was Iason, a man who had Super-Spelling! The only females of the group were Laodameia, who had Super-Hairstyling as her powers, and Aiaia, who used her mighty Belch of Impending Doom to break glass! And finally, there was Khairephon, who had Super-Fast Blinking skills!

Together, this assembly of the evilest evil that was ever evil in a land of evil evils--not a one of them were much "good" at anything--had gathered around a rectangular table so they could all have a serious discussion about which order they should gather round their table next, should the need arise. Buzzard-Breath and The Loveable Blinking Psychopath made a good point by saying that they should all sit from youngest to oldest next time, when all of a sudden, the monitor that had been placed inside the Great Hall of the Injustice League turned on!

"Hey, look!" pointed Makareus, using one of his faces to look like Jimmy Stuart. "It's one'a them intercom message boards that all the kids are talkin' about these days! Whaddya suppose all this means, Mr. Potter?"

"Shtop kalling me Mr. Pottah!" snapped Thrinake, who had been placed inside a wheelchair. "I am not ze Lionel Barrymore of ze Frank Capra film! I am, how you say, ze mad doktor who is running around in ze veelchair!"

"And a fine job yer doin'!" exclaimed Makareus, using Jimmy Stuart's face and voice. "Now, about that monitor thingy… Whaddya suppose they want?" All the villains in the room turned around to see what the person on the other side of the monitor wanted.

"Super-Enemies, I'm glad I was able to get through to you!" exclaimed The Person. "There's a new crisis afoot, and I want you to handle it!"

"Who mentioned mine foot!!!???" screamed Thinakie. A dense, awkward paused filled the room, leaving everyone else to gaze at the Super-Old man like he had just gotten one billion years younger.

"…Anyway," said Makareus, who was now using Anthony Hopkins' face and voice, "what were you saying about a crisis there, Clarice?" The Person on the other side of the monitor continued.

"Yes, well, it seems as if we have a new league of Good Guys running around. They are fighting for truth, love, justice, and shamrocks, and are fixing things wherever they go! Nobody has ever gotten into their path of reconstruction and lived to tell about it! It's a death worse than fate to challenge them!"

"Who be these fiends three?" asked Khairephon in a very snooty voice. "Be they we, of which he is me? When thee art me, dost thou see the tea? Do they pay a fee to pee?"

Silence.

"…You must stop them quickly!" shouted The Person. "Otherwise, all will be gained! Please, Super-Enemies, you must stop these Good-Doers from wreaking order!"

"Ve'll do it!" snapped Thrinakie as he leaped out of his chair. He went splat on the ground and Laodameia laughed.

"AH hahaha! You fell!"

"Yeah! SPLAT!!" cackled Aiaia.

"Who are these dastardly doers of righteousness?" asked Makareus. The Person swallowed darkly.

"They are called the Sailor Senshi!"

"Thine name shalt be of mud whenst I doth eliminate their rrrrrrrranks!" declared Khairephon. Everybody ignored him and united together as the Super-Enemies.

"Super-Enemies roll call!" shouted Makareus. "Thrinakie!"

"Sieg Heil!"

"Makareus! …………Makareus? …MAKAREUS, YOUR NAME IS BEING CALLED!!!!!!!!"

"Uhhhh, like, you're Makareus, dude," said Laodameia. Makareus froze in place, smiled sheepishly, and turned his face to that of William Shatner.

"Oh. I was…… unaware! Anyway, where is… Laodameia?"

"Uhhhh… I'm here, dude," she said.

"Yeah! Yeah! I'm here too!" screeched Aiaia. She cackled nonsensically, and began wandering around aimlessly, sometimes bumping into things or tripping over objects, as always.

"……Iason?"

"HELLO MY NAME IS IASON!"

"Got it! Is there a… Khairephon in… the house?"

"He is me and me is we! Present and accounted for, even!"

"And Lazarus?" A pause filled the air as all eyes and other viewing organs turned to see the dark figure hidden in the shadows. An eerie silence overcame the room, and the entity known only as Lazarus emerged from the void.

"…Yeeuup. Ah'm here all right, but where'd mah banjo git to? And who in all'a got-dang Dixie stole mah shootin' rifle? And mah huntin' dawg?"

"Here's your odious instrument," hooted Khairephon as he turned his nose to the air and handed Lazarus his banjo. The impatient assassin, however, would not be satisfied with just that.

"Hey, ain't you-a fergettin' somethin'? Like, mah dawg and mah killin' rifle?" Khairephon sighed again, and handed the "detestable objects" back to the lethal hillbilly. Lazarus let out a squeal of satisfaction as he hugged his banjo, rifle, and dawg to his body, and with that done, all the Super-Enemies were ready to go.

"Ve are… ready to go anytime, Mein Fuehrer!" said Thrinakie. Makareus nodded his head, and the hunt for the Sailor Senshi began.

"Super-Enemies, AWAAAAAAAY!!!!"

----------

Meanwhile, Rei discovered to her great disappointment that she had NOT landed in Disneyland, or anywhere even NEAR the magical place! She had found herself in Okinawa, which was a very long way away from Tokyo and the woman she loved. Unbeknownst to most of her friends, but knownst to all the readers that read the "serious" version of this story, Rei was mortally in love with Usagi Tsukino, the blonde ditz of an angel with pigtails that would make any S&M entertainer jealous. Rei and Usagi fought and bickered a lot, and never got along; thus, logically, according to anime romances, they were both drastically in love with each other.

But since Rei was so far away from her yellow-haired secret love (at least it was secret until I told you!), she couldn't just walk next door, pick a fight, and end up seven hours later "sharing" a bed together. Oh, no! If she wanted to do that, she would have to walk pretty durn far if you ask me! And so, since she was several pretty miles away from her pretty love, the French people that lived in Okinawa taunted her and laughed at her and did silly things to make her angry! YES, the French!! They're always up to no good!

Rei needed a ticket to ride, and since she was da ho dat had no mo do and no mojo, girl had to get herself a JOB! And so, our fine sexy-fox of a lady pimped on over to the OG residence of a down-home food-chuggin' place, and slapped herself an APRON on over her buxom body! Mm-hhmm!

"I is getting' my self a job in da burger joint!" she exclaimed to herself. "Now dis is goin' out to all dem homies in my crib in Tok, and an extra-special shout to my luvuh and my bruthuh, YO!" Course', she done already got herself a first customer, and since she be workin' in da pimp joint'a burger, she done go on and ask them what they all is wantin'.

"Welcome to Takeuchi Burgers, may I take your order?" The customer smiled and pointed both his index fingers at her.

"Mm, girl, you is lookin' fine in that apron and hat! Mm-mm! You is one foxy lady!"

"Thanks!" she grinned. "But do you want anything to eat, sir?"

"Aw, uh, yeah," he replied. "My tummy is bummy for dat fry-deal y'all got goin' on! Can you, my foxy femme, shake on over dere and gimme some potato sticks?"

"Certainly!" she said with a bright smile that would make her friend Minako jealous. "That comes to five yen! Would you like fries with that?"

"Yo, G!" exclaimed the customer. "Why you askin' me if I want fries if dat's what I already told you I wanted?!"

"Uh, I dunno…" muttered Rei meekly. "I was, uh, just, uh, wondering."

"Aw. Coo."

"So do you want fries with that, sir?"

"Ah tell you what," he replied--then paused, and stated clearly, "No!" The man left, leaving poor Rei to hand out a box of fries to an invisible man. From deep in the lairs of the kitchen, her manager screamed out in annoyance.

"HIIIINOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Sometime later, in the very same restaurant…

"Hello, welcome to Takeuchi Burgers! How may I help you?" exclaimed Rei as she greeted another customer. The man looked up at the menu and made his decision.

"Well, I'll have a cheeseburger, please."

"That's seven yen! Would you like to add fries to that for only two yen more?"

"Why sure!" he exclaimed.

"Would you also like to add a nice cold refreshing drink to that for three more yen?"

"Sure, I… suppose…"

"Would you care to supersize your meal for an extra four yen?"

"I, uh… maybe… perhaps…"

"And would you like to add a nice frosty dessert to that for only three yen more?"

"I, uh, well, umm…"

"Or you could just have the cheeseburger and save twelve yen!"

"AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! I'M LEAVING!!" And just like that, the customer left the room, also leaving the manager very angry in the process.

"HIIIINOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Sometime even later, in the very same restaurant as the other two events…

Rei smiled warmly as she chatted with her brand spanking-new coworker, a nice but slightly pathetic mess of a man named Tsubasa. She called him Sir Roberto Salvador Einhanzer Dweidelvon Schnapps Lederhosen de la Conquistador Onetwothreefourfivesix Appalachia Montesano Ravenwood XIV. Just then, another customer came inside the building!

"Hello, may I take your order?" asked Tsubasa. The customer nodded her head.

"Yes."

A pause.

"What do you want, ma'am?" he asked. She looked at the menu and pointed her finger at something ambiguous.

"Umm, I dunno. I want…………………………& #8230; that one!"

"The baked potato?" he pointed.

"No, not that! THAT!"

"The bowl of chili?" asked Rei.

"No, not that one! That one!"

"The chicken sandwich?"

"No, not there! There! Not there! There! That one!"

"Dumplings?"

"Vegetable soup?"

"Taco salad?"

"Honey pie?"

"Savoy truffle?"

"Glass onion?"

"No, not there! There! That one! Over there!" Simultaneously, Rei and Tsubasa said the exact same thing.

"I GIVE UP!"

"Me too!" exclaimed the uninformative lady. "I'm leaving!"

"No, wait!"

"HIIIINOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Sometime even LATER later! In the very SAME restaurant! …Restaurant…

"Hello, welcome to whatever the name of this place is," mumbled a very exhausted Rei. "May I take your odor?"

"Yes, I'll have a--WHAT?"

"Oops!"

"HIIIINOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! You got a lotta splainin' to do!!"

"Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!!!"

Oh no!

Will Rei be able to hold her job at the fast food joint?

Will she ever remember its name? Or for that matter, Tsubasa's?

Will Tsubasa ever try the chicken cordon bleu?

Will the French continue to taunt Rei, or will they focus on the English?

Why does Rei have a thing for Usagi? Why does Usagi have a thing for pie?

Will the Super-Enemies find our beloved Senshi? And if so, will there be a fight? And if so, will they do it on the roof, as all fights should be? And if so, will random onomatopoeias fly like so many thrown punches? And if so, how many cameo appearances will there be? And if so, will Adam West do this for free? And if so, then why?

Where have all the cowboys gone?

Why is the sky blue?

Whatever happened to baby Jane?

Where did I put my pants?

Do you know the Muffin Man?

Tune in next time when these questions, and some that were too irrelevant to tell, continue to remain a mystery, perhaps forever and ever, so NYA!!!

Continued be TO!