Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ ABSENCE: May the Farce be with you! ❯ The chapter that's after the second but before the fourth ( Chapter 3 )

Chapter Three: The Chapter that's after the second but before the fourth

Now that Rei was trapped in Okinawa and not Disneyland, she had to get by through some means. Currently, she was in the employment of a very mundane and thankless fast food restaurant, acting as cashier and customer service person thingy, and that paid the bills within some reason. However, when she was not busting her back, or somebody else's, Rei was sitting alone, thinking of home, and the angel she left behind.

"Cry, cry, cry, I think I am going to die," she said in monotone. "Bawl, bawl, bawl, impale my heart with an awl. Moan, moan, moan, I cannot seem to go home. Whine, whine, whine, my angel Usagi ain't mine!" Rei continued to cry and bawl and moan and whine, until she finally ran out of words to rhyme. She wanted to think that her Absence from Tokyo was a good thing, and that her parting with her friends was called for, and that she could never stand to see her dear Usagi in the arms of a man, oh Heaven Forbid! God forbid that there's a perfectly legitimate male/female relationship in an anime!

And so, since she was so filled with angst, depression, grievances, and those irritating hemoglobin pixies, she decided to moan and groan and spiral down further into a pit of depression. But then Tom & Jerry came on, and she forgot about everything and laughed her head off!

Meanwhile, above the city in the night sky…

The evil and wicked Khairephon (who, as we all remember, speaks like a hoity-toity sissy and has Super-fast Blinking skills) descended down onto the world of Okinawa and laughed. As we all know, evil monsters have the absolute best sense of humor, and since Khairephon was the evilest of them all, his sense of humor was especially big.

"Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoooo!" he chortled. "This city be mine to conquer! All I need to do now is locate the nearest hero to my vicinity, challenge them to a duel, and in defeating them, I shall be victorious! Ho hoo hooo!" But it was not quite that easy, since we all know that Tokyo is one of the major epicenters of heroic activity in the entire world (alongside New York City, of course). With that said, there were exactly 4,767,438,568 heroes to choose from, in that area alone, and exactly 97% of them were from some sort of anime or manga.

"A city as big as this needs lesser villains surrounding it!" he hooted in the air. With a wave of his snooty hands and a blink of his eyes, Khairephon… gee, that's a tough name to spell! Kirikia, we all loved your story, but couldn't you give your evil characters easier names? I mean, jeez… my computer can only take so many errors, and then it crashes! Give me a break!

Anyway, Khaireph… "Bob"… was ready to spill his evil evilness across the world, and maybe around it, above it, and through it too! He summoned all the lesser monsters under his control, and asked them very nicely to please turn the city into a festering dump of goop--in those very words.

"Goopy doopy!" he declared. "Make the goopy doopy poopy!!!" The monsters all looked at him as if he had suddenly gotten even crazier--which was quite hard to do, I reckon--but obeyed his dumb order anyway. Khaire--"Bob"-- jumped up and down in glee, clapping his hands and smiling and muttering something about crumpets and things that rhymed with goop.

And so his evil cronies spread across Okinawa, and did many bad and nasty things, and there was much rejoicing.

"Yay!"

But Rei wasn't rejoicing!

One day, Rei was walking home from her stupid job at the stupid fast food place, with her very good friend Sir Rodrigo Delavar Conquistador Whatever-the-rest-of-his-name-was-that-she-called him, and was in a pretty happy mood, considering that she just went through some serious angst in the first paragraph of this chapter. She was happy and gay now--well, you know what I mean--and even had her elbow linked up with Sir Rodney Dangerfield von Elmo St. Fire de la George Bush Hatfield Whatever XI. Tsubasa, as all the SANE people called him, loved to spend time with the chipper/angsty/bizarre girl, but he knew he could never score.

"Oh, by the way, I'm attracted to another girl," she had mentioned spontaneously one lazy day, as her hand dug into a bag of potato chips. The poor guy almost literally fell over, had a heart attack, won the lottery, and counted to three at the exact same time upon hearing the news, and his face turned pale as he learned that he was living with a les--erm, with a girl whose orientation in the field of sexual preference differed than his own. Stupid political correctness movement!!!

But he was okay with it, eventually, since Rei was forever busy watching Tom & Jerry and not the Oxygen Channel. He was even invited to watch it with her, though sometimes she laughed a little too loud at some of the slapstick humor, especially those that were not necessarily designed to be funny. Yes, Rei was a silly girl, not quite right in the head, but at least she wasn't some dominatrix Feminazi.

(oops, too late)

Anyway… (I must chuckle as I consider how many aneurisms Kirika must be having at this point. Please tell me, dear authoress! I will apologize for them all!) With Tsubasa as her good buddy, and a job that supported her, Rei supposed that she could not get much happier, unless Usagi was there with her or else she was eating a quesadilla. But without any good Mexican restaurants in sight, she was forced to settle for pizza and her endless supply of cartoons.

But on some nights, Rei escaped the tedium of her home and magically transformed into that vixen vigilante of vlames--flames, sorry--that vixen vigilante, Sailor Mars! And it was a good thing she could, too, because Khair--"Bob"--had sent plenty of evil nasty ugly monsters for her to beat up!

And here is where our story begins.

…Well, actually, it really sort of began at the first chapter, but I meant that this is where the main story of this particular chapter begins. See, everything begins in the first chapter, even if the remainder of the story is a flashback, and--

THWACK!!!

UGGHHN!!

…Right!!

Anyway, the story begins with Rei and Tsubasa merrily hooking up their elbows and walking towards their apartment complex, as they always did. And as always, they were tailed by brand-new character Sanjuro, who came out of nowhere so he could sneak a few photos of the vlaming vixen of vire, Vailor Vars (YOU know what I mean!) With Sanjuro on their tails (which they tried to dispose of, but could not, since their tails were very hard to remove from their bodies), Rei and Tsubasa made their way to their apartment complex and smiled merrily as they wished each other good night. He was such a good buddy to Rei!

Once inside, Rei blew out a sigh, flipped on the TV, and found nothing but infomercials. Sad that Tom & Jerry was not on, she turned the TV off and decided to go look at some new invention that the people were calling a "book", which was sort of like a manga except that it was longer and didn't usually have pictures. Rei had just settled down with her "book" on her "chair", and was just about to "read" when the "doorbell" suddenly "rang".

"I wonder who that could be," she said. "And I wonder why all those words were in quotation! Oh well!" She "shrugged", and "got" up to "see" who was "at" the door. On the other side, a gargoyle creature with purple skin and long horns stood, crossing its arms and peeking at a piece of paper.

"Uhh, sorry to bother you, but is this 36B?" it asked.

"No, 36B is down the hall and to the right," replied Rei. "This is 37D."

"Oh, right. Sorry to bother you."

"No problem!" exclaimed Rei as she wished the demonic creature good luck. Five minutes passed (once "she" got back on "her" couch and read her "book"), and the door rumbled again under the sound of knocking. Rei growled out in annoyance but answered it anyway. To her complete lack of surprise, it was the same gargoyle demon again.

"Uh, yeah, uh, hi, it's me again," he said meekly. "Listen, uh, I think I read this paper wrong. See, my evil master told me to go to this one address and slaughter the people there, but the person who lived in 36B was an old lady, and I don't think he wanted me to fight old ladies."

"Oh, that was Mrs. Harimotso," said Rei wearily, with a knowing sound in her voice. "She's crazy!! Yeah, you don't wanna fight her. But who were you looking for, for real?"

"Turns out I was looking for 37D!" exclaimed the demon with a friendly smile. Rei returned it and nodded her head.

"Oh yeah, that's this place! Come in, won't you?"

"Thank you, ma'am." The demon smiled and came inside, and sat down as Rei prepared some tea for it. A long time passed, with little more to say about it than a certain dark-haired priestess brewing a warm drink, and a patient demon twiddling his thumbs. Eventually, though, a realization came to him.

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!!!!"

"Whoops!" exclaimed Rei. She freaked out and jumped in the air out of surprise as the gargoyle monster bolted out of his chair. He pointed his finger at her and let out a small growl.

"That was mean! You were trying to trick me!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh !"

"Yuh-huh!"

A pause.

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Yuh -huh!"

"I tricked you and that's final!" spat Rei. The demon growled and almost lurched at her.

"No you DIDN'T!!! Now if you'll excuse me, I've got some business to attend to!!" And with that, the monster stormed out of the apartment, and excused himself all the way down to the lowest floor. Rei chuckled secretly once the incredibly dumb beast was away, but turned serious once she remembered her tea.

"Oh! Gosh! I forgot!" Since she no longer had a demon for a guest, she figured that it would be best to make tea for herself. A calm, cool period of relaxation passed for her, and she wondered what sort of trouble she would be getting into the next day.

Suddenly, Rei could hear a tinny voice coming from just outside the apartment complex:

"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!!!!"

"Here we go again," she sighed.

--------------------

Rei spent many days thereafter spanking many monsters into subjugation. ……No, not like THAT, you perverts! She spanked them with her flames of justice, righteousness, and love! Yes! Rei was a good little pyromaniac, yes she was! Yes she was!! She killed a lot of demons, yes she did! Yes she did! (ahem) Anyway, Rei spent many days slaying all the monsters that "Bob" had unleashed upon the world. She saved many lived, and ate French fries when there was nothing else to do (she stole them from work).

Eventually, though, the warrior of flames began to wonder where all those beasts were coming from. I mean, this wasn't the kind of anime where monsters just fell from the sky! That was like… off of Inuyasha or… Evangelion or… Hamtaro, or something! No, these monsters were made, and Rei was determined to find out where all the monsters were coming from. She actually began to set some serious moments aside (like, 2 minutes a day) in her pursuit of the truth.

Sometimes, she would be accompanied by her buddies--but not as per request. They came "out of their own free will". Tsubasa kept the really stupid monsters busy by making them play the old "which hand is the coin in" game, and this was surprisingly successful. Sanjuro, the annoying photographer that began following her around, started to act all Peter Parker-like and shot photos of Sailor Mars whenever he could, and used the beautiful woman's image to "stimulate" himself in times of "creative emptiness". …Oh, don't give me that look! It was a perfectly natural thing to do!

Anyway, Rei continued to slaughter monsters by the bushel, and was at least glad that they didn't leave an icky mess for her to clean up afterwards (that was Sanjuro's job). After a long day, she was usually tired from fighting and stealing French fries, and invading into men's "creative dreams", so she would usually crash somewhere and sleep.

No, I'm not making a joke about that. Poor girl was just tired, that's it.

But soon, she reasoned, she would have to find out where all those creatures were coming from. Once she found that out, Rei would destroy the place and kill the demon responsible, and would never stop until she had peace. After all, the girl had valuable cartoons to watch.

Next Episode: Rei kills things!!! Yippee!