Sailor Moon Fan Fiction ❯ ABSENCE: May the Farce be with you! ❯ Rei Kills Things ( Chapter 4 )

Chapter Four: Rei Kills Things

Rei had no idea where to look for the evil hideout, but she had a few pretty good theories. She had searched the city in her spare time, but came up with very little except for all the places that the bad guys were NOT hiding. She was as persistent as she was pretty, and equally tenacious, and since she was too lazy to get back on the train and go back home, she really had nothing better to do than to extinguish the monster threat around Okinawa. She took some comfort that it had not been Disneyland she was defending instead, although it did seem like a good idea to have a few of the malicious monsters attack Pinocchio.

One merry olde day--

THWACK!!!

…One rather ordinary day (sorry), Rei was skipping along merrily, minding her own business, with her buddy Tsubasa and her "he's not quite a buddy but he hangs around anyway and no matter how many times I threaten him he won't go away" buddy Sanjuro following suit. It was bright and sunny in Okinawa, obviously not the kind of weather to be going out and killing bad guys, and they were all making the most of the day's beauty as they skipped merrily.

Suddenly, a twanging sound could be heard, and as Rei looked behind her to see what it had been, she saw Sanjuro with a suction-tipped arrow stuck squarely on his forehead.

"Message for you, Rei!" he announced before falling over on the ground. Rei and Tsubasa ran over to him, desperately trying to revive the poor pathetic fool, while at the same time, trying to interpret the letter that had been tied to the arrow.

"A message!" exclaimed Rei. "A message from a person who must be in some sort of belligerent danger! What's it say?"

"It's a part of the original document to this story!" replied Tsubasa. "And it's from Kirika herself! She says that the evil monster known as Khaipheron, also known as 'Bob', is hiding out in the old warehouse, just south of here!"

"The warehouse!!" exclaimed Rei in an excited voice. "So that's where he's been all this time! Thank you, Lady Kirika, and thank you, brave Sanjuro! You shall not have been killed in vain!"

"I'm not dead, Rei," groaned Sanjuro as he sat up. Rei gazed at him in slight confusion.

"Oh. Well, you shall not have been embarrassed by receiving the injury of a minor suction-cup burn in vain!"

"I actually think I can stand up now…"

"No, stay down, brave sweet man!" she insisted. "I shall go and avenge your extremely minor injury with wrath and power in my own particular…………" Stuck on words, Rei paused in humiliation and tried to think of what she was searching for.

"Idiom, Rei?" suggested Tsubasa.

"Idiom!!" she exclaimed. She gave Sanjuro a farewell slap on the shoulder, and ran screaming away into the distance, to avenge his grievous suction-cup wound. Sanjuro sighed, pulled the arrow out of his forehead, and gingerly rubbed the circular spot that had been formed there.

"Do you think she's sane anymore?" he asked. Tsubasa shrugged, and since it didn't look like it was going to be a very eventful day, he sighed and relaxed on the grassy ground.

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Meanwhile, the lair of the evil villain was bursting with activity. Hundreds of cronies, toadies, underlings, sidekicks, goons, subordinates, button-men, and general lackeys were milling around the warehouse, transporting things and drawing plans and marching to and fro, and basically making the place look all the more foreboding. The sounds of screaming could be heard in the dank pit of evil, and a symphony of terror filled the day air. Two guards stood watch at the entrance, and greeted their comrades with a nod as they traveled between the outside world and the warehouse.

But somewhere in the distance, the guards could see a young woman running towards them. She was dressed as a Sailor Senshi, with an eternally-short skirt and a skintight outfit that showed off every voluptuous bend and curve on the body. Her suit was a red one, and her black hair flapped in the air as she sprinted towards them. The drums of war sounded off as she got closer and closer still.

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant, and one of them slowly munched on a sandwich.

The young girl continued running towards them, with the drums of war still beating…

The guards remained vigilant--

"Ha HAAA!!!" Sailor Mars suddenly struck down one of the guards with a maniacal laugh, and dashed off into the warehouse, leaving the other one in her wake.

"…Hey…!" he called out to her, but by that time, she was long gone. Inside the warehouse, Sailor Mars went ballistic and began attacking absolutely everything she saw. She dove into a thick group of guards and rammed her flaming sword in their bellies, and spun around to slash at the patrolmen that had been milling around the area. She sliced through another guard, spilling his blood all over, and rammed her sword through three unsuspecting safety inspectors like they were shish-kabob.

All the while she executed and slaughtered the hundreds of lackeys, Sailor Mars laughed and screamed and cackled madly. More and more bodies piled up, and soon it became effortless to butcher them all. Her sword would swing and would claim a few necks, and a simple kick overturned even the mightiest of columns and platforms. She killed three guards just by swatting at them, and slapped away a few more into the nether regions as she made her way further and further into the dark bowels of the warehouse.

Rei cut open bellies, spilled intestines, and flooded the area with blood as she screamed and laughed her way up to the very top of the warehouse. On her way, she threw off several guards that were standing around uselessly, and for good measure, she attacked a wall clock that had been hung. Finally, after shoving many of the guards to their deaths on the floor below, she plowed through the door that she assumed led to Khaipheron's office, and aimed her flaming sword at the first thing she saw.

"On behalf of Mars, I have come to slay--Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I must be in the wrong evil hideout!" Mars' face turned red as she saw a short bald man with a scar over his face watching over the execution of another man. The scarred man had a white cat in his arms, and seemed delighted in watching the exceptionally slow death-machine come ever closer to killing the intruder. However, once Rei entered the room, all activity ceased.

"Oh, so that's what all that commotion was about outside!" he exclaimed. "My dear, I'm afraid to say that you have wiped out nearly all of my army. Do you know how much hired thugs cost these days?"

"…I'm sorry," pouted Rei sadly, "but you see, every time a battle starts, I just lose control. I could've sworn that this was the right warehouse, though!"

"Right warehouse?" said the bald man. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I've been looking for this guy named Khaipheron for a long time now, and I got a message saying that this was the place. But I guess it wasn't." The bald man hummed in thought and began to stroke his cat. Suddenly, the man that was tied up to the death machine shouted out to his captors.

"Do you expect me to talk, Blowfeld?"

"Hush!" The bald man smiled at Rei, and put his arm around her shoulder so he could explain things a bit. "Listen, young lady, you want the warehouse that's right next door to this one! It's a few steps down to your right, can't miss it."

"I guess I already did though," murmured Rei sheepishly. "And I'm really sorry about your men."

"Oh, it's perfectly all right!" he assured her. He led her out of the room and back into the main warehouse, but the secret agent hooked up to the death machine just had to put his two cent's in.

"You'll never get away with this, Blowfeld!"

"Oh, be quiet, you!!"

The scarred man kindly led Sailor Mars outside, where she was greeted by dozens of grieving and wailing guards, and the horrible stink of blood and carved-up human carcasses. Rei and the other man were engaged in light conversation as they walked outside, when suddenly, one of the workers noticed the girl.

"There she is!!!" Rei paled, and muttered out a curse as the men clamored up the stairs.

"Oh, bloody crap…" Sailor Mars went ballistic and began attacking absolutely everything she saw. She dove into a thick group of guards and rammed her flaming sword in their bellies, and spun around to slash at the patrolmen that had been milling around the area. She sliced through--

"Stop, stop, stop, stop!!!!" screamed the bald man, halting the violent action and pulling Mars aside. As the guards calmed down, she grunted out several apologies.

"Sorry, sorry, sorry!! You see what I mean?!" The bald man nodded and assured her that all was well.

"Don't worry about it, dear, they're just extras." He then called out to his men, saying, "It's all right! It's just another one of those superheroes that got lost! She was supposed to go to the OTHER warehouse!"

"OH!!!!" shouted a loud chorus of clarified people. They broke out in laughter, every one of them, and Rei smiled in relief.

"Thanks, Mister! I'd better go before the real bad guy decided to do something nasty!" The bald man smiled and bade her away with his blessings.

"I see. I too have secret agents to kill, worlds to conquer, and escapes to resort to. But good luck to you, Sailor Mars! Have fun storming the castle!"

"But I thought it was a warehouse!" she exclaimed. The bald man paused stiffly.

"…Right. What'd I say?"

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Sailor Mars broke into the RIGHT warehouse this time! She knew it had been the right warehouse, since she was currently killing and slaying demons and devils and youma instead of normal everyday human beings. She went insane and slaughtered them all as usual, creating more blood and gore and guts and ooze and all that other delicious stuff. Finally, she plowed through the corpses and bodies, and made her way to the lair of Bob.

Bob (since Khaipheron is so darned hard to spell) awaited her with an evil grin on his face. He then took the grin off and put on a snarl, and stood up to challenge the single puny (but hot) human woman that had dared defile his lair with her essence.

"I believe that you shall be in for a very nasty death, my young lady!" he hooted, as he usually did. Sailor Mars groaned out wearily, and since she didn't want to have a long drawn-out fight with the monster, and since I was too lazy and uncreative to really put forth the effort into making a fight scene, I'll just say that she threw a fireball into his forehead.

"Ouch," he said. But Bob was unfortunately stronger than that, so I had to ignore my laziness for the time being and really work at finishing off this beast of a beast. Therefore, Sailor Mars ran up a flight of stairs that led to the upper level of the warehouse, guiding Bob along with her. The snooty creature bounded off after her, and drew forth a rapier for which he was surely going to hurt her with!

"And now with mine sword and mine scabbard, I shalt kill the unto death!"

"Kill me unto death?!" balked Rei. "Oh, brother! What kind of a stupid excuse for a villain are you, anyway?!"

"Silence, foolish mortal!!" screamed Bob. "I'll have you know that I am a master of the blade, whereas you are merely defenseless against my attacks! Ho ho ho ho hooo!!!"

"Oh, SHADDAP!!!" Sailor Mars gave Bob a kick to the chin, exposing almost all of her leg to the fan boys (and fan girls) that were doubtless fantasizing about her at that very moment. A spurt of blood came out of Bob's mouth as his chin was knocked loose, and he tumbled backwards with a growl.

"Grr!"

"Oh no!" Eager to avenge his injury, Bob charged forth with his useless rapier, and would have certainly skewered poor Rei had she not stepped to the side at the very last minute, like a matador weaving around a charging toro. Bob's momentum was suddenly turned against him, and as Rei bumped back into him, she forced him to fall from the rafters above, and sent him screaming towards a very large fan that had been placed on the floor below just for that particular battle scene. Bob fell into the fan's blades, and was instantly destroyed in a delicious and violently spectacular death scene.

Sailor Mars took a sigh of relief, though she really didn't need it since the battle was an insult to her abilities, and decided that it would be best to get out of the warehouse before it exploded on her. Evil hideouts usually had a way of blowing up in spectacular explosions once their owner was annihilated, no matter how unreasonable it was.

One down, three to go.