TITLE: Home for the Holidays

AUTHOR: Simply Kim

GENRE: Shounen-ai (Angst/ Romance)

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HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

He had never been one to think much about something others deemed unimportant.

He had never been one to linger on weird moments in between bites of roasted turkey.

He had never been one to imagine joyous laughter amidst holiday chaos inside a brightly lit home in the suburbs.

He had never been one to create perfection when there was none.

Rukawa Kaede huddled as close as he could to the heater in the corner of a dinghy coffee shop beside a local tavern near his favorite basketball court. It was snowing outside, and he was cold, thankful at least for this safe haven he found while traversing the avenues in search for a place to spend the night. Good thing it was open all the time, so he knew he would be spared from the boot tonight... not like the other nights before.

He did not want to go back to the lonely monstrosity that was his dilapidated apartment.

Closing his eyes, he let out a shuddering breath and enveloped himself more snugly in his old brown winter coat. It was the only weapon he had against the howling chill wind penetrating the tiny shafts of the shop's rotting doors... he would simply fade away without it... fade away like snowflakes falling down the deepest trenches... never to rise again.

He knew he looked very much like a frightened kitten, but he couldn't help it.

He was kicked out of the house a couple of years ago, upon his most obvious pronouncement of his sexuality - the stupidest thing he had ever done in his rebellious phase during senior high. It took only the words "I love him", and he was literally thrown out to rot on the streets.

The worst thing was, the one he had stood up for...

Upon learning of his misfortune, did not even spare him another glance... cold or otherwise.

It was just a stroke of luck when a kind old woman, with the lack of her own family, decided to let him work for her in a flower shop near the university he had dreamed of entering before his mishap. It was fine at first, but as time passed, the pain ate away his heart. He knew that in his current state, there was a hundred percent that he'd never get in.

He did not even have the means to finish his high school...

He shook his head, trying to cast away the pain he felt. It was momentary, he knew, and would pass, but not without slandering his person first... until he would be left with nothing.

Nothing.

That was what his father said he was.

Nothing.

Tears escaped his shut lids, trickling down even without his permission, working their way down and chilling his already cold skin that he swore part of his face turned to hoarfrost for a single moment... a single disoriented moment.

A small smile crept on his tired features.

Ah... and he's right... as always.

Otousan... you were never wrong...

Feeling an icy draft, he scooted closer to the electric heater, his breath puffing out in clouds of condensed air. Briefly, Rukawa wondered how he fared right now...

Was he stuck inside his huge house, playing with his nieces?

Was he posing as a four-legged animal in a piggyback ride for his demanding younger brother?

Was he laughing with his family while they teased him about the weirdness of his chosen hairstyle?

Was he contentedly snuggled under the blankets of his own bed?

Was he talking animatedly with the one who came in his life after him?

The questions were endless, and for quite some time, he could feel happiness for doing the right thing... for not ruining his life further. It was true that he was not the one who had promptly let go of such a wonderful relationship... but he was the one who did not want the one he loved most to suffer the same thing he was suffering now... He did not beg to be taken back because deep in his heart, he knew that he did not want him to wither away to nothing...

Like he withered away to nothing a long time ago.

It was enough for him to catch a glimpse of him in that university while he worked, hanging out with his basketball buddies, and standing really close to someone he would have thought of as Ayako-san. It was enough to see him laughing, with his wonderful blue eyes sparkling with much happiness... it was enough for him to know that the person he had loved... and still loves... was having the time of his life.

It was enough for him to keep perfect memories inside his heart... to lock them inside and to throw away the key... so that everything would last till eternity.

And yet, there were two things he had yet to know...

Was he happy with me all those years we had been together?

Did I mean something to him... other than someone to turn to when alone?

He shivered, and leaned closer towards the inviting heat beside him... and for a moment, he was lost in his reverie... lost in the past. He did not want to open his eyes and be reminded that he was alone... that he had no home other than the dilapidated monstrosity that was his apartment... that he had to work in order to keep himself fed... that he had no other item of clothing suitable for cold winters like this but the old brown coat he had been burrowing into for the past one and a half years...

That it would hurt less if he did not think about things others deemed unimportant...

That it would hurt less if he did not linger on weird moments in between bites of whatever it was his meager salary could buy...

That it would hurt less if he did not imagine joyous laughter amidst holiday chaos inside a brightly lit home in the suburbs...

That it would hurt less if he did not create perfection when there was none...

That it would hurt less if he did not remember having warm comforting arms holding him close whenever he was feeling lonely...

That it would hurt less if he did not remember loving anyone at all.

The darkness behind his lids would be the anchor to his much irresolute sanity... and he wanted to keep his mind intact, at least until his body gives way to internal corrosion.

But somehow, a thin tendril of the past still had the power to weave its way in his person.

He could feel loneliness engulfing him now... and he knew it would be fruitless to resist.

"Akira... where are you?" He whispered almost inaudibly, the words filtering weakly into his ears... together with the sound of something scuffing rotting floorboards, an indication that he was with company. He quickly rubbed his damp eyes and opened them, looking up at whoever it was that disturbed his solitude.

And then he couldn't breathe.

"I'm right here."

And Rukawa smiled.

NOTES: This fic is dedicated to all of you who are feeling less festive this yuletide season... and also to Steff, and the rest of the AK ML. I wanted to thank all of you for playing a huge role of my life... if you only knew how much.