Star Trek - Series Fan Fiction / Star Wars - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Gung-Ho Gun Hos ❯ Chapter 1

Ensign Harry S. L. Kim was not a happy man-- after seven years service under Captain Kathryn Janeway's command, his career in Starfleet was flushed down the oversized toilet that was the USS Voyager, followed by his dream of becoming captain of his own ship. He was lucky to remain a man, unlike those who became corpses, half-dead cripples, and in one bizarre case, became a woman after Neelix fed him a "delicacy" flavored with synthetic hormones.

After the Voyager returned to Federation space, he resigned his commission and immigrated to the Gonghe Republic, which had common borders with the United Federation of Planets and the Breen Confederacy. Due to its strategic position, Gonghe maintained an impressive army and navy. Kim was sure his technical skills, honed duct taping the Voyager together after Janeway's stupidity nearly broke the ship in half, would win him a commission in the Gonghe Navy and-- hopefully-- his own command.

He nearly shot himself when the Navy disqualified him. It wasn't his fault he failed the drug test! How could he remain sane aboard the Voyager if he didn't use 3,4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine (ecstasy) to suppress his urge to grab an ax and hack Capt Janeway to pieces?! If he hadn't set up holograph emitters to create a double of himself to serve as that dog-faced woman's boy toy, he would've shot himself years ago!

Fortunately, Gonghe offered licenses to honorably discharged members of Starfleet and other allied forces, so they may become mercenaries-- before the Dominion War, only former Gonghe Army and Navy service members received licenses, so the republic may reenlist or recommission these men and women in states of emergency. Kim stayed his trigger finger when Capt Ai Teppou, the woman who led Steel Angel Security Services, approached him with a job offer. He happily signed the contract to become chief engineer aboard the private military vessel (PMV), although he was staring at the blonde's breasts at the time, not the papers-- Ai's idea of casual wear was combat boots and silky underwear, her modesty preserved only by the bayonet-equipped GLOCK 50 semiautomatic pistols at her hips.

He had second thoughts when he realized he was working for a woman whose name meant "Love Guns" and whose idea of a good time was to jump into a gunfight, pistols blazing. By then Ai had sent Kim on ten suicide missions, such as beaming aboard a pirate vessel, shutting down the warp core's antimatter containment field, and-- since the radiation would interfere with the transporters-- fighting his way to the shuttlebay so he could escape before the warp core exploded. Half of his free time was spent in the infirmary, listening to "Love Guns" thank him for a job well done while the nurse treated him for cuts, burns, and broken bones, and removed bullets and shrapnel.

He should've known better. The fact that Ai was a "natural" blonde of Asian descent suggested she was genetically enhanced-- such individuals often had a genetic disposition towards schizophrenia or other mental disorders.

At least he was well paid. If he kept it up, he'd earn enough money to buy his own ship... a freighter for transporting fertilizer to agricultural colonies. No pirate would want to steal a load of shit, right? With cargo that harmless, he wouldn't get into any more gunfights, right?

"Attention!" Ai shouted with a smile on her face.

Kim's heart sank when he recognized the smile, the woman's "We're gonna jump into a gunfight, pistols blazing, and we're gonna have fun!" smile.

"Orion pirates have hijacked a freighter, the Shanghai Maru, as it was traveling from Minotaur III to Yitian IV. The freight company-- our client, Evergreen Shipping-- is offering us 18,000,000 yuan, plus fuel and ammo, to recover the Shanghai and deliver it to Yitian IV."

"18,000,000 yuan..." One of Kim's new comrades, a human mercenary so obsessed with money that the former Starfleet officer thought he was a disguised Ferengi, began calculating his share of the commission. "That's five bars of latinum for three to five days' work. Not bad."

"What was aboard the Shanghai?" Kim asked.

"Yitian IV is an agricultural colony. It paid for 500,000 tons of organic fertilizer-- worth less than we're paid for, but to our client, it's a matter of pride as well. So let's strip and clean our weapons in preparation for the coming battle, and go forth shooting!" Ai cheered. Wham! She watched Kim's head bang against his console. "Ensign Kim, are you alright?"

"Fuck me," the former Starfleet officer whispered.

<>

GUNG-HO GUN HOS

An 'Unnamed Porno Fanfic' fanfic by Sidewinder, originally as 'Love Guns' in 2006 (revised 2009). Based on Darth Fanboy, Falkenhorst, and MKSheppard's story-- itself based on George Lucas and Gene Roddenberry's.

<>

The PMV Steel Angel was a license-built Constitution class heavy cruiser, like Capt James T. Kirk's "heroic sword." While Starfleet refitted its cruisers for the scientific exploration of distant stars and planets, the Gonghe Navy refitted its cruisers for long-range patrols-- military missions demanding different mission equipment. Under the Warrior Armament, Naval Kind (WANK) and the Phaser Enhancement, Nuclear Isotope Surge (PENIS) Projects, cruisers received enhanced shield emitters, were fitted for reactive armor plates, received six T-5 turrets (two on the saucer section's topside, two on the saucer and two on the stardrive's undersides) and five Hedgehog-19 antitorpedo systems (two behind the saucer's topside T-5 turrets, two on the saucer and one on the stardrive's undersides). The T-5 turret mounted a medium PENIS cannon, a PENIS emitter, and an independent power plant-- the Hedgehog-19 was a turret with 19 micro-torpedo launchers (each loaded with six torpedoes), resembling (and performing the same role as) the SeaRAM missile defense system. The hangar deck was extended and angled, the stern and portside doors allowing it to simultaneously launch and recover fighters. The now redundant navigational deflector was replaced by a heavy PENIS cannon for attacking hardened targets such as underground bunkers, and a second matter/antimatter reaction assembly installed to power the weapon. A wing mounting two impulse engines and two PENIS emitters-- resembling a 20th century sports car's spoiler-- was fitted between the warp nacelles to improve structural integrity and warp field efficiency. Weighted down by additional weapons and armor, WANK cruisers were nicknamed "Slow Deaths."

This meant Kim had plenty of time to compose his last will and testament as the Angel followed the Orion pirate ships' warp signature to their base. "To my mother, Mary Kim..."

An alarm howled. "Get ready to rock!" Ai cheered through Kim's helmet-mounted communicator.

"Fuck me!" Kim cursed, raising his personal access display device (PADD) to throw it against the wall. He remembered that PADDs cost money, that he was saving money to buy his own ship, and carefully put the handheld computer in the right cargo pocket of his tactical suit or "tac-suit."

"My name is pronounced Fukumi."

"Sorry, Chief Hada," Kim said to the assistant chief engineer, a young woman of Asian descent. "I'm having a bad day." Boom! "Ah!" he cried as a photon torpedo hit the ship.

Chief Petty Officer Fukumi Hada smiled as she braced herself. "Cheer up! Our upgraded warp and impulse systems got us to the target 10.7 hours early! This battle promises to be the start of a great day!"

'Is everyone aboard out of their fucking minds?' Kim asked himself. 'Yes, and I'm out of my mind for signing up to be one of them.'

In the bridge, an Orion interceptor squadron swarmed in front of the viewscreen. "Hedgehogs One to Five armed," the tactical officer reported.

"Fire!" Ai watched the micro-torpedoes fly in all directions, seeking targets. The interceptors maneuvered to dodge the volley, but there were too many micro-torpedoes. "Oh!" Ai had an orgasm watching the interceptors transform into fireballs. "Yes!" She writhed in her tac-suit. "Scan for life signs!"

"Scanning... One life sign, human male, detected," the tactical officer answered.

"Beam them to the brig! Oh! Ah!"

>

"What the fuck am I doing here?" Kim asked himself.

"We're about to interrogate the prisoners for info on their operations. As chief engineer, you're here to help me assess their defenses!" Ai answered as she led him towards the cell where the captured pirate was kept. "Computer, maintain lockdown but shutdown security field for cell number four." Although the prisoner could-- and did-- spit at the blonde, alloy bars still kept him from laying hands on her. "Good morning, Mister Saddam Binladen." Ai compared the prisoner's face to the mug shot displayed on her PADD. "Wanted for terrorism by Federation authorities, panty raiding by Zeonic authorities, and piracy by Republic authorities. Zeon offered the highest bounty for your capture-- the militant feminists will sentence you to castration and 50 years imprisonment. But if you tell me what I want to know, I'll be generous, accept the second-highest bounty, and turn you over to Republic authorities-- they'll just sentence you to 20 to 30 years hard labor."

"Fuck you!" Binladen cursed.

"I'm flattered that you know of me, but my name is pronounced Fukuyo."

Ai turned to the young woman behind them. "He was using the insult 'Fuck you,' not calling your name, Nurse Hada."

"Oh."

"May tentacle demons drag you into hell and rape your cunt, ass, and cherry lips for all eternity!" the prisoner cursed.

Kim felt little sympathy to Binladen, but even he didn't deserve what the blonde had planned for the pirate. "Sir, I advise you to calm down, apologize to Captain Teppou, and..." The blonde's arm flashed beside him. "Too late."

Ai's pistol, loaded with expanding full metal jacket (EFMJ) "interrogation tools," targeted Binladen's head. "The trigger pull of my pistol is 2.0 kilograms or 4.5 pounds. I'm applying one pound of pressure. Where is your base?"

The prisoner frowned at the blonde. "When I get my hands on you..."

"Two pounds. How many personnel are stationed there?"

"Fuck you inside out..."

"Three pounds. What weapons are you armed with?"

The frown became a leer. "Make that cunt lick my ass as I..."

"Four pounds. Are your comrades worth dying for?"

"Make you scream!"

"Your call." Ai squeezed the trigger-- the bullet pierced Binladen's left hand, its kinetic energy severing his fingers and launching them across the cell.

"Ahhhh! Ahhhh! Ahhhh! My hand! You... My hand! Ahhhh!"

The blonde unlocked cell number four, slid the door out of her way, and kicked the prisoner against the floor. "I've done tests on cadavers. A 12.7 x 32.6 millimeter," .50 AE, "round delivers 2,207 joules of kinetic energy, enough to shatter every bone in a humanoid hand. Do you wanna know if a round delivers enough energy to shatter a humanoid male's genitals?"

Tears melted away Binladen's leer. "Please, I'll talk, please..."

17 minutes later, the nurse-- CPO Fukuyo Hada-- had stopped the prisoner's bleeding and taped an antibiotics patch to his hip so the wounds wouldn't become infected. Ai secured cell number four and led the others out of the brig. "Oh!" She detached the tac-suit's groin protector to reach her panties and begin masturbating. "Ah! Gunfire is such a turn-on! Ensign Kim!"

The former Starfleet officer was nervous. Although he lusted for the blonde, he wasn't sure he could fuck her without losing his genitals in the process. "Captain..."

"Take the interrogation records to the Sergeant Major! Begin planning a recovery operation! Ah!" Ai felt cool air touch her vulva, followed by warm moisture as Nurse Hada's tongue reached into her vagina. "Oh, Fukuyo! Fuck me! Ah!"

Kim ran for his life.

>

Sergeant Major Jules Winnfield, the Angel's security chief, had at least ten years experience in land warfare as a soldier in the Gonghe Army. He refused to talk about what he did before he enlisted, but Kim suspected the Sgt Maj had served in other armies and fought other wars-- according to Army records, Jules already had a prosthetic right hand when he marched into the recruitment center.

Kim found the Sgt Maj in the holodeck, using his knight saber-- a device projecting a purple energy beam to a fixed length to serve as a blade-- against a swordsman with a similar weapon, but with a blue blade.

"Ahhhh!" the holographic swordsman screamed as his hands were severed. Jules grabbed his weapon and crossed the knight sabers like scissor blades, ready to behead the swordsman.

"Do I look like a bitch?!" the Sgt Maj demanded.

The swordsman's anger and hatred were replaced by confusion. "What?" Jules lowered the sabers, the blades cutting into the swordsman's shoulders. "Ah!"

"Do I look like a bitch?!"

"No!"

"Then why did you try to fuck me like a bitch?!"

"I didn't!"

"Yes you did, Skywalker. You tried to fuck me. You ever read the Bible, Skywalker?"

"Bible?"

"It's a religious text from Earth. There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: Ezekiel 25:17. 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.'" Jules spun like a propeller, cutting the swordsman into a hundred pieces-- he saved the head for last.

Kim was too stunned to speak. Fortunately-- or unfortunately-- Jules sensed his presence and asked, "May I help you... Sir."

"S-Sergeant Major Winnfield, I-I have interrogation records of the c-captured p-pirate. They d-describe the Orion p-pirates' base, its location, its defenses, the number of personnel, and their com frequencies," Kim answered.

"I'll meet you in the officers' lounge to plan the recovery operation. Just give me a moment." Jules stomped on the swordsman's severed head, cracking the skull and spilling the brains.

"Y-yes, S-Sergeant Major." After Kim exited the holodeck, he realized he never told Jules what kind of operation they were to plan.

>>

"This is a suicide mission," Kim said, too tired to express outrage.

"It ain't no suicide mission," Jules insisted. "Look, maybe you had a rough time executing combat missions for the Federation Starfleet, but I'm a Je-- a Stormbringer," Gonghe Army Special Forces. "I eat Klingon warriors for breakfast and use their battlecruisers as toothpicks. A B'rel class scout and a three interceptor squadrons-- 36 fighters-- don't mean shit to me. 3000 Orion pirates in a fortified asteroid defended by shields, one heavy disruptor cannon, 21 disruptor emitters, ten photon torpedo launchers, and a tachyon detection grid-- that's just an oversized toilet I'm gonna have to flush."

"I trust your abilities, Sergeant Major." Ai faced the ensign. "The Sergeant Major will lead the CSAR," combat search and rescue, "team. Ensign Kim, you'll obey his commands until the Shanghai is recovered."

"Yes, Captain." 'Fuck me,' Kim didn't say.

The mercenaries had salvaged the fighters' wreckages, piecing together shattered armor to disguise an assault shuttle as an Orion interceptor. The plan was for the CSAR team to pilot the disguised shuttle into the fortified asteroid and free the Shanghai's crew. Then the Angel would strafe the asteroid to lure away the pirate ships and fighters, allowing the CSAR team and the freighter crew to escape. Once the Shanghai's warp drive was engaged, the Angel would fire her heavy PENIS to destroy the pirate base.

Nurse Hada wasn't trained to surgically alter a humanoid face to disguise it, so the CSAR team disguised themselves by cutting off the dead pirates' faces to wear as masks. Kim could barely breathe under the stench of rotting skin tissue, but he kept silent-- death by suffocation was less painful than death by Jules' hands. 'Fuck me,' the ensign didn't say.

"I don't swing that way," the Sgt Maj deadpanned, surprising Kim. "We've been detected. Hold on to your butts." A B'rel class bird-of-prey decloaked in front of the disguised shuttle. An alarm howled as the bird-of-prey's weapons locked onto them.

The B'rel communications officer hailed the shuttle. "Push me," he challenged.

"Shove you," Jules replied. The alarm was silenced-- the bird-of-prey's weapons were no longer locked onto the shuttle. "Thank you for not scratching that itchy trigger finger. I got too much shit on my hands to clean up anyone else's."

"I'd say. Fuck, what happened to your interceptor?" the B'rel communications officer asked.

"A Hedgehog micro-torpedo volley is what happened. Now let me pass before I whip your ass."

"Chill, man, chill." The B'rel escorted the disguised shuttle towards the pirate base.

"How'd you know the password?" Kim asked.

"Through the Force," Jules answered.

"Through force?"

"Through the Force, as in I'm gonna force my steel-toed boot up your ass if you don't shut your mouth... Sir."

Kim wisely chose to obey.

Jules flew the shuttle towards the asteroid. Kim panicked as solid rock rushed towards the viewscreen, but instead of crashing, the shuttle flew through the holographic rock to land in a camouflaged hangar. "Sergeant Coolidge, guard the shuttle. Smoke them if you got no other choice, but otherwise keep your cool-- I don't want you blowing our cover before we free the Shanghai and her crew."

"Yes, Sergeant Major."

"Ensign Kim, you come with me."

"Yes, Sergeant Major." 'Fuck me.'

A maintenance crew raced towards the disguised shuttle. "What...?"

Jules waved his hand in front of the crew chief's eyes. "Stay away from my interceptor."

"Stay away from his interceptor," the crew chief repeated.

"Keep everyone else away from my interceptor-- the reactor's leaking radiation like Granny's bladder."

"Keep everyone else away from his interceptor-- the reactor's leaking radiation like Granny's bladder."

The Sgt Maj turned to the surprised ensign. "Let's roll."

Kim followed Jules past the mess hall. 'What the...?' The ensign saw two humanoid bodies hanging on meat hooks. A Ferengi "cook" cut a bicep off a hanging body, put it between two slices of bread, and raised the sandwich to his mouth. A second Ferengi grabbed the sandwich, starting a fight with the cook. "Urgh!" Kim covered his mouth and tasted vomit.

"We're almost there." Jules led Kim to where the airlock where the Shanghai's crew was kept. "Hey, Evergreen Shipping just paid these guys' ransom, so we're here to take them off your hands," he said to the guards.

"Great." The senior guard reached for the airlock controls.

Jules put his hand on the senior guard's shoulder. "Alive."

The senior guard frowned in suspicion. "I ain't heard shit about letting no hostages leave the Rock alive."

"Well, you just heard it from me."

"I better call the Boss."

Jules waved his hand in front of the senior guard's eyes. "You don't need to call the Boss."

"Are you shitting me? I need to..." Purple light flashed in front of the senior guard's eyes-- then his head flew off his shoulders.

The Sgt Maj beheaded the second guard. "Damn Force resistant." His knight saber cut down the chains restraining the captured crewmen to the walls. "We're mercenaries, Evergreen Shipping hired us to free you, now act free." Jules turned to Kim. "They've been drugged. Help them get on their feet."

"Why don't we just sneak aboard the Shanghai and beam them out of here?"

"You know better than that. The security system will detect the transporter beam, and the pirates will be onto us like a ton of bricks."

'I'm not a fucking nurse.' The ensign put a crewman's arm over his shoulder. "What's that smell?"

"Semen. Motherfucking pirates have been using the Shanghai's crew as gimps," sex slaves.

"That's a violation of the--"

"They're Orion pirates-- they don't give a damn about the rights of sentient beings."

Kim sadly shook his head. "Silly me."

>

Kok'Suka, "Queen of the Orion Pirates," sometimes regretted moving her base of operations within Gonghe space. Here, the right to bear arms was protected by law, which was a blessing because her pirates could easily buy whatever weapons they needed, including photon torpedoes-- and a curse because their would-be victims could also buy whatever weapons they needed to defend themselves. The Gonghe Army and Navy were a double-curse, inflicting heavy casualties whenever her pirates measured their penises against the military's PENISes-- fortunately, the Slow Deaths lived up to their nickname, and pirates who survived their awesome firepower were usually able to flee. 'Could be worse. At least Romulan ale is legal here.' "Where are the surviving interceptor pilots? I need data on that enemy warship."

Her subordinates faced each other, seeking information. "What were the pilots' names?" "What was the number of the surviving interceptor?" "Where is it now?"

Kok'Suka pushed a nameless technician out of the way so she could check the computer records herself. "Why isn't the maintenance crew working on that interceptor?"

In the disguised shuttle, Sergeant First Class Butch Coolidge watched heavily armed pirates approach, alerting the maintenance crew. One of the pirates grabbed a wrench and threw it, knocking off part of the disguise to reveal the shuttle. "Shit!" As the pirates and maintenance crew faced each other, confused and uncertain of what to do, Butch powered up the shuttle and piloted it out of the hangar. He turned around and fired the belly-mounted Warthog-- two mini-torpedo launchers mounted over a full-sized torpedo launcher, loaded with 14 mini-torpedoes and three photon torpedoes-- into the base. "Yipee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" Butch cheered as parked shuttles and interceptors transformed into fireballs.

In the command center, Kok'Suka swore to have the maintenance crew castrated to punish their incompetence. "Recall the bird-of-prey and the surviving squadrons! I want that whatever-it-is destroyed!"

Kim had carried the crewmen aboard the Shanghai-- he was fortunate the freighter was so heavily automated. "Ow, my back!" Bang, bang! "What...?" His hidden communicator beeped.

"Sir, get ready to move," Jules transmitted. "The pirates are onto us."

Kim heard the sounds of battle echoed through the airlock connecting the Shanghai to the pirate base. "Fuck me!"

The freighter captain stirred, recovering from the drugs' effects. "Ow! Why does my ass hurt?" He frowned at Kim. "Who are you?"

"I'm Ensign Kim of the United-- of Steel Angel Security Services. Evergreen Shipping hired us to rescue you and your crew."

"Huh? Rescue?" Beam! "Oh shit! That was a phaser firing, right?"

"Right. Now let's get this ship into warp."

>

Aboard the bird-of-prey, "Captain" Bukkake cursed himself for not blasting the disguised shuttle into subatomic particles. "Where's the whatever-it-is that attacked the base?"

"The Raptor class assault shuttle, Captain? We lost it somewhere in the asteroid field," the tactical officer answered.

'Queen Kok'Suka will fry my cock 'n' balls for this!' Bukkake put his hands over his groin at the thought, as if he could shield his genitals from the Orion woman's rage.

"Captain, I'm detecting an unidentified ship, Constitution WANK class, at bearing..." The tactical officer watched the Angel strafe the asteroid. "Too late."

"Captain, we've lost communications with the Rock!" the communications officer reported.

Bukkake covered his mouth to hide a smile. 'The bitch is dead! This is my chance to crown myself King of the Orion Pirates!' "Full impulse! Get us within firing range of that Slow Death!"

"That's suicide! Our weapons will barely scratch its armor, and that heavy and medium PENISes will blast us into subatomic particles!" the tactical officer protested.

"We'll use warp strafing!" Bukkake watched the tactical officer frown in confusion. "Warp strafing, you know, warping within point-blank range of a target, firing disruptors and torpedoes, and warping away before the target returns fire?"

"That's never been demonstrated to be a valid tactic," the tactical officer stated.

"I'll demonstrate its validity! Warp seven, engage!" Nothing happened. "What the fuck is the holdup?!" Bukkake demanded.

"We're in an asteroid field! It takes time to calculate... No!" the helmsman cried when Bukkake pushed him out of the way to engage the bird-of-prey's warp drive.

Aboard the Angel, Ai noticed a flash as the bird-of-prey crashed into an asteroid, breaking itself in two. "What's that?"

"One B'rel class scout-- it apparently warped into an asteroid. I detect four escape pods launching from the cruiser. Should I scan for life signs?" the tactical officer asked.

"Not now. Focus on the pirate base."

>

Jules was a force of nature, spinning like a tornado to cut down nearby enemies, his GLOCK 50 sending armor piercing explosive (APEX) bullets like thunderbolts to strike down distant enemies. When he finally stopped, he became the eye of a storm: calmly breathing as dismembered, disemboweled, and decapitated bodies surrounded him.

"Argh!" A pirate's head turned in search of his disruptor pistol. "My weapon!" He found it beside his head, his severed hand still gripping it-- his remaining hand struggled to pry the dead fingers off the disruptor. "Die!" He sat up to aim the disruptor at Jules, only to watch the pistol fly out of his hand. "I don't understand..."

Jules stomped on the disruptor, crushing it. "What's your name, pirate?"

The pirate-- the only survivor out of the 88 who were sent to secure the airlock-- looked up in confusion. "Brett."

The Sgt Maj reloaded the GLOCK 50. "You ever read the Bible, Brett?"

"Yes," the pirate answered.

"There's a passage I got memorized, seems appropriate for this situation: Ezekiel 25:17. 'The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you.'" The GLOCK 50 targeted Brett's head as a blue light enveloped Jules-- Kim had used the Shanghai's transporter to beam the Sgt Maj aboard the freighter as the bullet was leaving the barrel.

"Ahhhh!" the former Starfleet officer cried as the bullet grazed his left hip, hit the wall behind him, and exploded, sending shrapnel into his buttocks. "Fuck!"

"Oh. Sorry about that... Sir."

>

"My queen, the Shanghai Maru is leaving Dock Two!"

In the command center, Kok'Suka's eyes burning with rage as the freighter accelerated away from the base. "Evergreen must have hired mercenaries to recover their lost lamb. I must remember to show no mercy the next time we capture one of their ships." She turned to the tactical officer. "Where's the bird-of-prey?"

"Unknown... Wait." The bird-of-prey drifted in front of an external camera, allowing personnel in the command center to see the wreckage. "I'm detecting four escape pods..."

"Summon my personal chef. I want Captain Bukkake's cock 'n' balls for dinner," Kok'Suka ordered. "Deep fried while they're still attached, so he can feel the heat."

"My queen, the Slow Death's heavy PENIS is...!" Boom!

>

"Oh yes! Phaser Enhancement, Nuclear Isotope Surge! Ah! Yes!" Ai was between orgasms when she said, "There are 24 to 30 Orion interceptors we haven't accounted for! Ah! Let's leave the area before they return! Oh!" She knew the pirates' survival meant the mercenaries would find more work in the near future.

"Yes, Captain."

Unknown to Binladen or his captors, the Orion pirates had a K'Vort class cruiser at their base. The Klingon Defense Force had contracted Gonghe armament companies to refit older warships with armor and weapons comparable to a WANK cruiser. Kok'Suka bought a set of armor and weapons from a corrupt Klingon general, and intended to refit the larger bird-of-prey. When the heavy PENIS blasted the pirate base in half, this bird-of-prey became Kok'Suka's escape craft-- now it was an instrument of vengeance. "I want the Slow Death's captain for dinner. Save the crew for feasts later," the Orion female ordered her personal chef.

"Yes, my queen."

With its space frame revealed, the K'Vort class cruiser resembled a winged skeleton-- an Angel of Death coming to reap the souls of Kok'Suka's enemies. The bird-of-prey, partially disassembled so it may be overhauled before being refitted with WANK equipment, was unarmored and armed only with the photon torpedo launcher-- the disruptor cannons were to be replaced with PENIS emitters. Kok'Suka didn't consider herself at a disadvantage-- without the mass of the armor and disruptor cannons, the bird-of-prey was faster, and quickly caught up to the Angel. "Continue tracking the target, passive sensors only."

"Yes, my queen."

Kok'Suka used the helmet-mounted sight to lock on the Angel, and gripped the joysticks controlling the weapons systems. "Decloak on my mark. Three... two... one... Mark!"

>

The Shanghai traveled in front of the Angel. In the bridge, Jules' head rose, as if he heard something. "Turn around."

The freighter helmsman frowned at the Sgt Maj. "Say again? Ah!" he cried when Jules pushed him out of the way to reach the controls. "What the fuck are you doing?!"

Jules silenced the helmsman with his fist as he turned the ship to see a torpedo miss the Angel. A second torpedo detonated upon the Angel's shields. "You wanna start shit with me? I'll give you some shit." He faced the captain. "Get ready to open the cargo bay doors and purge the replicators' carbohydrates supply."

"What?!" The captain found himself staring at the muzzle of Jules' GLOCK 50.

"Get ready to open the cargo bay doors and purge the replicators' carbohydrates supply," Jules repeated.

Kok'Suka and her subordinates focused on the Angel, the bird-of-prey violently maneuvering to dodge incoming phaser beams and torpedoes. They didn't consider the Shanghai a threat, and ignored the freighter-- they forgot about her cargo.

Splat! The Orion female frowned at the brown solid covering the viewscreen. "What is this shit?!"

Shit (organic fertilizer) was rich in nitrate, an oxidizing agent. Mixing nitrates with carbohydrates could form explosives. Ai understood Jules' plan when the Shanghai opened the cargo bay doors to eject 120,000 tons of fertilizer onto the bird-of-prey. "Aim phasers and torpedoes! Fire!" Boom! "Repeat!" Boom! "Oh yes! Yes! Yes!" She writhed in her tac-suit, watching the bird-of-prey's wreckage tumble out of control. "Scan for survivors!"

>>

Ai greeted Jules and Kim when they beamed aboard the Angel. "Welcome home!"

"Did the check clear?" the Sgt Maj asked.

"Yes. Fortunately, the client decided not to deduct the cost of the expended fertilizer from our fee."

Kim knew the blonde had recently fired her pistols-- he could still smell the gunpowder. "That's smart of them."

"We're also getting a nice bonus: the bounties for..." Ai named the surviving pirates in the Angel's brig. "After the Angel is 3R'ed," repaired, refueled, rearmed, "we're having a party!"

>

Kok'Suka smiled as the WANK cruiser captain-- in her mind, a middle-aged human male-- screamed. "You look delicious." She jabbed a fork into the captain's deep fried penis, cut off the head, and put it in her mouth. "A bit rare, but..." She ate the rest of the captain's genitals, enjoying the taste with the sound of his screams.

Binladen laid on the floor beside his queen, watching Kok'Suka eat the fingers of his left hand-- blown off by the EFMJ bullet and ignored when Nurse Hada treated his wounds. "My queen, wake up. Those aren't sausages-- those are my fingers. My queen..."

Kok'Suka's smile widened as she dreamed. "Your cock 'n' balls are a nice appetizer, but I want more... You're biceps. I'll have your biceps for dinner."

'Fuck me, my fathers, and their fathers.' Binladen stopped trying to awaken Kok'Suka-- he didn't want her to eat the body parts he had left.

Hiss-click! Kok'Suka awoke with a start when the Kim entered the brig. "Identify yourself!" She saw a platoon of Gonghe Public Security officers behind the former Starfleet officer. "You're a bounty hunter."

"I'm an engineer... for a private military contractor," Kim corrected, reluctantly admitting he was a mercenary. "I'm releasing you to police custody. Please step away from the door." He watched Kok'Suka comply before unlocking the cell. Whoosh! "Argh!" The Orion female lunged, hit Kim's solar plexus before he could defend himself, and locked her right arm around his head as her left hand drew the phaser pistol at Kim's hip.

Kok'Suka expressed no fear as the police officers' weapons-- phaser rifles with universal tactical grips to mount a GLOCK 45 pistol under the barrel-- targeted her. "Get back or I'll blast him into subatomic particles!"

"Fuck me," Kim whispered.

"I know you can hear me, captain of the Slow Death. Beam the police officers back where they came from, free my pirates, and give me command of this ship, or..." She heard a transporter beam hum behind her, instinctively aimed the phaser rearwards, and pressed the firing button. The phaser beam would've hit Jules as he beamed into the cell, but he quickly turned on the knight saber to block the beam. "Ah!" Kok'Suka cried when the saber cut into her left wrist, making her drop the phaser.

The Sgt Maj held the saber in front of the Orion female's eyes. "Let the ensign go."

"My skin, my beautifully smooth skin! You...!"

"Bitch, you're lucky to get off with just a burn on your wrist. Let the ensign go before I decide to lobotomize you," Jules repeated. When Kok'Suka refused to comply, a police officer's rifle butt stroked the Orion female, broke her nose, and knocked her unconscious. "Thank you, officer."

>

A Leary station was a commercial space station where marijuana and opium poppies were grown, ecstasy and lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) was manufactured, and Romulan ale was sold, taking advantage of a loophole in laws banning these and other recreation drugs from planets of the Gonghe Republic-- instead of closing the loophole, the government decided to impose double taxes on the Leary stations. Although Ai wasn't a druggie, she rented a penthouse for 48 hours so the Angel's crew may party in shifts-- the mercenaries cheered, agreeing a Leary station was the perfect place to have a party.

Kim wasn't invited to the party-- as punishment for letting Kok'Suka hold him hostage with his own weapon, he was "imprisoned" in the Angel's gymnasium, being retrained in hand-to-hand combat. The Sgt Maj was his instructor. 'Fuck me.'

"I told you I don't swing that way," Jules deadpanned.

"I didn't say anything."

"You thought something-- that's the same as saying and doing something, so you better be ready to take responsibility for what you say and do. Now get ready." Whoosh! "You weren't ready. Try again," the Sgt Maj ordered the former Starfleet officer now lying on the floor.

"I didn't even see you move!" Kim cried as he climbed to his feet.

"That's your problem-- you're trying to see me instead of sensing me. Use your other senses-- sound, smell, taste, touch-- in addition to sight." Jules returned the GLOCK 45T training pistol to Kim.

"I wonder what the others are doing?"

"The Hada twins are using strap-on dildos to vaginally and anally penetrate Captain Ai. They just had an orgasm together-- big one." Jules smirked, sensing Kim's shock. "Her genetic enhancements don't just make her smarter, stronger, and faster-- they make her lustier as well." The smirk became a nostalgic smile. "If the Je-- never mind." He stopped smiling. "Get ready."

'Don't give up!' Kim told himself. "Oomph!" He climbed to his feet again. 'Four more years!' "Argh!" 'The contract expires in four years! By then you'll have enough credits to buy your own starship!' "Yahhhh!" 'Will I live that long?' the former Starfleet officer asked himself.

"You ain't got to worry about that. Whatever happens, happens because of the will of the Force. Now get ready." Whoosh!

"Ahhhh!"

<>

Not the end.

Yasuhiro Nightow's graphic novel 'Trigun' provided the new title. Let the records show I'm among the first to describe mercenaries as "gun hos" or "gun whores."

I repeatedly revised the Constitution WANK cruiser's armament. The original Hedgehogs were mini-torpedo launchers, a hybrid of the Mark 41 Vertical Launching System (http://www.lockheedmartin.com/products/MK41VerticalLaunchingSystem/index.h tml) and the Metal Storm (http://www.metalstorm.com/), like so:

[Start]

"Hedgehogs One to Five armed," the tactical officer reported as panels-- two behind the saucer's topside turrets, two on the saucer and one on the stardrive's undersides-- opened to reveal 120 mini-torpedo launchers, each loaded with five torpedoes.

[End]

I changed it to something more useful.

Gonghe Army Special Forces operators were originally called "Storm Riders," after the 1998 film adaptation of Ma Wing Shing's comics. I renamed them after the black sword from Michael Moorcock's fantasy novels.

Gonghe is the pinyin (Chinese phonetic alphabet) spelling of Gung-Ho, which perfectly describes an average Republic citizen's attitude towards the right to bear arms. If you're curious, yes, there is a Warrior Armament, Army Kind (WAAK) Project.

The universal tactical grip is a hybrid of the Universal Tactical Attachment for the GLOCK 19, or UTA 19, and the T-Grip-- both products of FAB Defense (http://www.fab-defense.com/).

Jules and Butch are named after characters Quentin Tarantino and Roger Roberts Avary created.