Star Trek - Series Fan Fiction / Star Wars - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Gung-Ho Gun Hos ❯ Zero ( Prologue )

The year 2375 of the Common Era (CE). As the Dominion War ravaged the Alpha and Beta Quadrants, hundreds of starships, sent on vital missions, sought battle as they sailed through space. One of these ships was the USS Alaska, a Defiant class escort.

As the Alaska approached Gongye III, the Gonghe Republic's presidential capital-- the legislative capital was in another star system, preventing a decapitation strike from paralyzing the entire government-- a Federation class dreadnought and a F-7 Viper fighter squadron appeared onscreen.

The dreadnought was modified under the Warrior Armament, Naval Kind (WANK) and the Phaser Enhancement, Nuclear Isotope Surge (PENIS) Projects-- reactive armor plates enveloped the ship like petals on a rosebud. The hangar deck was extended, the bow and stern doors allowing it to simultaneously launch and recover fighters. A heavy PENIS cannon, with its own matter/antimatter reaction assembly powering it, replaced the now redundant navigational deflector. 12 medium PENIS cannons in twin-gun turrets-- two on the saucer section's topside, two on the saucer and two on the stardrive sections' undersides-- traversed to target the approaching starships, triggering a red alert.

"Sir, we're being interrogated, I confirm the Alaska is transmitting the IFF," identification friend or foe, "code. Sir, we're being hailed," the Alaska's communications officer reported.

"Onscreen." Captain Global War On Terror Rice IX, the Alaska's captain, turned to see a hologram of the dreadnought's captain.

"GGV Qin to Federation vessel, welcome to the Gonghe Republic. What is your mission?"

"USS Alaska to the GGV Qin, greetings from the Federation," Capt Rice stated. "Our inventory of photon torpedoes does not meet our operational needs, and we request permission to rearm at one of your defense stations," a code signaling the need to gather military intelligence.

"Roger. The Gonghe garrison is launching fighters to escort you," the dreadnought's captain answered. Red alert was deactivated-- the escort was no longer targeted.

"Incoming, eight F-7 fighters, bearing ten o'clock high," Lieutenant Chu'wI'Quch, the Alaska's tactical officer, reported.

"Viper Flight GY3-001-1-1, First To Fight, to the USS Alaska. We are transmitting navigational data to you now. Do not deviate from the flight plan, or we will blast you into subatomic particles," a fighter pilot warned.

"Alaska to the First To Fight, wilco," will comply.

>

Aboard the GY3-001, one of 450 orbital defense stations defending Gongye III, the warriors returned Capt Rice's Colt, Smith & Wesson B-29 revolvers after searching the Starfleet officer. "You may enter."

Capt Rice holstered his revolvers. "Thank you." The armored doors opened to let him enter the command center. "Good morning, Old Li."

Colonel Long Li, a Gonghe Army intelligence officer, greeted, "Good morning, Global. How may I help you?"

"The Alaska's mission is to explore the Chirk star system, near the Federation-Breen border."

"Reconnaissance. Is your ship equipped with a cloaking device?"

Capt Rice smiled. "The Treaty of Algeron prohibits Starfleet from equipping our vessels with cloaking devices."

'It is.' Col Li returned the smile-- he respected Capt Rice's determination to complete the mission at all costs. "Of course." He pressed a button to display a holographic map of the Breen Confederacy, with green symbols representing Breen military units. "This is the most recent data we have on the Breen defenses at the border. Note the minefields' positions..."

>

Across the border, Thot Terl stared a holographic map of the Gonghe Republic. 'I will bring an end to 108 years of humiliation,' the humiliation of suffering the Gonghe Republic's existence. The Breen officer studied all available reports on the Gonghe Republic in preparation for his mission. He knew the planets were colonized by Chinese People's Liberation Army super soldiers who were genetically engineered to fight Augments during the Eugenics Wars, German engineers hired to design the colony ships, American gun manufacturers and importers who funded the colonization program-- the alliance was called the Gongye Hezuo Zuzhi, "Industrial Cooperation Organization," and abbreviated to Gonghe when the colonists formed their own government. He knew the Gonghe Constitution-- written by soldiers, for soldiers-- protected the right to bear arms, and that over 90% of the adult population were gun owners, ready to fight off an invasion.

He knew the humans killed his father and grandfather.

Terl's grandfather died when the accursed James Tiberius Kirk and the USS Enterprise intervened in the first Breen-Gonghe War in 2268 CE-- the Breen fleet, and the men who served in it, were annihilated. His father died in the Ker Incident, in 2344 CE, trying to conquer a star system on the Breen-Gonghe border-- the star was now called Shengli, the Chinese word for "Victory." Terl's father and grandfather remain unavenged-- the Gonghe Army and Navy, the humans' champions, annihilated the raiders Terl sent to "assess the Gonghe defenses."

Now the Breen were Dominion allies, receiving the resources needed to conquer the Gonghe Republic. Once Phase One of his plan was complete, Terl would being Phase Two and avenge his father and grandfather.

<>

GUNG-HO GUN HOS ZERO

An 'Unnamed Porno Fanfic' fanfic by Sidewinder, originally as 'Love Guns Zero' in 2007 (revised 2009). Based on Darth Fanboy, Falkenhorst, and MKSheppard's story-- itself based on George Lucas and Gene Roddenberry's.

<>

Aboard the Alaska, Chu'wI'Quch-- known as "Trigger-Happy," the meaning of his name-- drew his gunblade, a .44 Magnum revolver-saber hybrid with a 91-centimeter-long blade, with an extended and widened trigger guard protecting all four fingers of his hand. In his mind, he faced a warrior with a bat'leth-- the Klingon male parried the opponent's slashes, counterattacking with quick thrusts. "I am badass."

Lieutenant Junior Grade Kayla the Ring Warrior, the Alaska's security chief, frowned at him. "Why do you insist on carrying that phallic symbol of an oppressive military dictatorship?" Li Xiaolong, the Chinese super soldiers' leader, designed the gunblade to fit his style of hand-to-hand combat-- the Gonghe military now issued gunblades engraved with winged ligers as awards for valor.

"I respect the Gonghe citizens for having a government of warriors, by warriors, for warriors." Inspired by Robert A. Heinlein's novel 'Starship Troopers', the Gonghe government required citizens to serve for three years in the military, or six years as first responders (police officers, firefighters, and paramedics), or nine years as a civil servant-- those who didn't serve were "civilians." Only after they had served, proving they were willing to put the people's needs before their individual needs, were they granted citizenship, the right to vote and to be elected to public office.

"But...!"

"Captain on the bridge!"

Capt Rice turned to Trigger-Happy. "Playing with that toy again?"

The Klingon male smiled. "Do you wish to test your weapons against mine?"

"Not now-- we have work to do."

The Alaska's cloaking device was reverse-engineered from the one Capt Kirk "retrieved" from a Romulan battlecruiser in 2268 CE. Although obsolete, it remained useful-- Capt Rice skillfully avoided sources of antiproton beams, which the Dominion used to detect cloaked vessels.

"We're 24 hours away from the Breen homeworld. With the info we have, we can sail through the Breen defenses like a hot knife through butter. Shall we avenge the Raid on San Francisco?" Kayla suggested.

"I'm afraid the Raid will be unavenged," Capt Rice stated. "For now. The Alaska will be destroyed before we can decapitate the Breen Confederacy, if we decloak to bombard the Breen homeworld."

'Coward,' Kayla didn't say. "Yes, Sir."

The Alaska dived to avoid a formation of Breen warships and Jem'Hadar fighters. "Sir, I'm detecting large amounts of trilithium, tekasite, and protomatter aboard these four fighters." Trigger-Happy pressed a button to display crosshairs on the Jem'Hadar fighters. "I believe they're armed with trilithium weapons."

Terror gripped the crewmembers' hearts. "Oh shit!" "They're gonna use them to destroy the Sun!" "Earth is doomed!" "We're doomed!"

"Not if we can help it." Capt Rice turned to Trigger-Happy. "Arm the Shock and Awe. Decloak on my command." The Alaska approached one of the targeted fighters. "Fire!"

Trigger-Happy decloaked the Alaska and fired the "awe" of the pulse phaser cannons to destroy one fighter. The Klingon targeted a second fighter, fired the "shock" of a quantum torpedo, and watched them transform into a fireball.

The third and fourth fighters disappeared as the Breen warships maneuvered between Terl's Phase One and the escort. The Jem'Hadar fighters turned and rained phased polaron beams on the Alaska. "Evasive action!" The Alaska accelerated as the helmsman pushed and pulled the manual steering column, dodging incoming beams. "Where are the other fighters?!" Capt Rice demanded.

Trigger-Happy's fingers danced on the tactical console. "I found one!" Then phased polaron beams hit the ship, shaking her. The executive officer (XO), who foolishly neglected to wear his seatbelt, flew into the ceiling and broke his neck.

"Fire!" Capt Rice watched phaser beams and quantum torpedoes reach for the fighter-- then a second beam hit the Alaska. Static clouded the viewscreen. "Did we get it?"

Trigger-Happy pressed a button to clear the static and reveal the fighter, its left wing torn off. He fired a third torpedo at the fighter. "We got it."

"Where's the fourth fighter?!"

"Scanning..." The Alaska shook again. "Sir, shields are at 20 percent."

"Activate the cloaking device. I'm afraid we must live to fight another day." No one argued with Capt Rice's decision to run away. "Let's see if our luck will last until we reach Gongye III."

>

Aboard the Qin, Lieutenant Colonel Ren Teppou took a knee, feeling the point of her gunblade touch the floor. She opened a suitcase to reveal a portable altar to Donner, the German god of thunder. Because Gonghe culture merged those of China and Germany, the statue wore Ming Dynasty armor-- a Chinese dragon's head adorned Donner's hammer. Ren lit a stick of incense and planted it in front of the statue. "Prince Donner, protect us as we battle against the evil masks," the Breen. "Give us victory. Let us crush our enemies on a distant battlefield, so our loved ones may be safe at home," she prayed, thinking of her parents.

Red alert was triggered-- the dreadnought detected a threat. Ren put on her helmet to hear the tactical officer report, "Incoming, cloaked vessel, bearing seven o'clock low," through her helmet-mounted communicator. She ran out of her room, towards the hangar deck.

The Alaska, her ablative armor scorched and pitted by Breen and Jem'Hadar weapons, decloaked 40 kilometers from the Qin-- F-7 Vipers closed the distance in seconds, the fighters' belly-mounted Warthog torpedo volley systems ready to hammer the escort. 'Dear God, let our allies interrogate us for the IFF signal before they blast us into subatomic particles,' Capt Rice prayed. "Mayday, mayday, mayday. This is the USS Alaska, mayday. We have taken casualties in battle, and require medical assistance."

Capt Rice was lucky-- the IFF transmitter still functioned. "GGV Qin to Federation vessel, lower your shields and prepare to be boarded." Assault shuttles, carrying Gonghe soldiers, approached the escort.

"USS Alaska to GGV Qin, wilco." The soldiers spent one hour aboard the escort-- one platoon searched for Breen or Jem'Hadar infiltrators, while a second platoon provided first aid-- as the Qin escorted the Alaska to a shipyard.

>>

"We can replace the weapons in 17 years-- the amount of time required to replenish our trilithium supplies," a Vorta reported.

Terl frowned at the Vorta. "We cannot delay Phase Two-- we must execute Phase One with the remaining trilithium weapon. If we succeed, the presidential capital's destruction might sow chaos and confusion, allowing the fleet to destroy the legislative capital, Army and Navy Headquarters," with Gonghe government facilities to serve as backups, in case both capitals were lost, "with conventional means," 'I hope.'

"Very well."

Terl's flagship, a Jem'Hadar battleship that was a "gift" from the Dominion, led a fleet of 1000 ships towards Gongye. 1,000,000 Breen and Jem'Hadar warriors served aboard the ships, ready conquer the Gonghe Republic.

Static clouded the viewscreen. "What the fuck is wrong with the viewscreen?!" Terl demanded.

"Sir, I'm detecting large amounts delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol, which is jamming our sensors." The tactical officer pressed a button to clear the static and reveal a space station-- a neon sign, reading, "UKIYO-- THE FLOATING WORLD" was mounted on the command center. "The source of the delta-9-tetrahydrocannabinol is apparently this space station."

"Destroy it," Terl ordered.

>

The target was a Leary station, a commercial space station where marijuana and opium poppies were grown, ecstasy and lysergic acid diethylamide (LSD) was manufactured, and Romulan ale was sold-- the Gonghe government tolerated this as long as a Leary station's operators paid double taxes. Aboard the station, sexaroids-- sex toy androids-- handed opium pipes to a pornographer and a mercenary.

"Fanboy, you're the man," Mark "Shep" Sheppard said as a sexaroid bounced on his lap, impaling herself upon his penis.

"I'm the man!" Fanboy shouted before inhaling enough opium to give a lesser man a fatal overdose.

Shin Teppou, the Leary station's operator, approached the mercenary. "Is there anything else I can get for you, Mister Fanboy?"

"Yeah, a blowjob."

Shin frowned. "I am not..."

"Not from you!" The mercenary pointed at a sexaroid. "From her!"

"Yes, Sir." The sexaroid unzipped Fanboy's pants-- then the ceiling and the floor switched places, throwing the mercenary off his chair.

"What the fuck...?"

>

Terl watched as the fleet bombarded the Leary station until it resembled a burning skeleton. Static clouded the viewscreen as more tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) leaked from holes in the Leary station's bulkheads. Then the static cleared to reveal... nothing. "Excellent." The Breen officer turned to the helmsman. "Continue the mission."

"Yes, Sir." Boom! "Sir, the warp core is offline."

Terl hovered over his chair as the artificial gravity generators went offline. "What...?" The battleship's stern, severed from the battleship's bow, floated in front of the viewscreen. "What the fuck happened to my ship?!"

The Skullfucker, a Firespray class patrol ship whose warp nacelles were disguised photon torpedo launchers, launched a second seismic charge. "That's for destroying the best Leary station in the whole damn galaxy!" Fanboy shouted as the charge detonated, blasting 24 Jem'Hadar battlecruisers and 45 fighters in half.

Aboard the battleship's bow, the Vorta deadpanned, "I advise you to transfer your flag--" He watched a third charge detonate, blasting 18 battlecruisers and 51 fighters in half. "While you still have another ship to transfer it to."

'Fuck!' "Abandon ship!" Terl ordered.

Aboard the Asskicker, Shep's D7-2 class battlecruiser, Shin was tying to hire Shep, who he assumed was a mercenary. "I cannot avenge the destruction of your Leary station-- I'm outnumbered and outgunned," the pornographer told the man, who claimed to be a descendent of samurai. "Besides, I doubt my friend will forgive the destruction of the best Leary station in the whole damn galaxy." He watched the Leary station's operator shiver in fear of Fanboy.

As the Asskicker sailed away, the Skullfucker rained laser beams on the fleeing Breen and Jem'Hadar ships.

>>

Workers at the shipyard were trained to perform maintenance and repairs on the Tianjian or "Heavenly Sword" class destroyer, and the Defiant class it was based on. As they repaired the Alaska, Capt Rice named Chu'wI'Quch as the new XO. "Let's give the Jem'Hadar an ass-kicking so bad, they'll choke on their own guts."

"Yes, Sir."

"Sir, we've received a transmission from the Qin. A Dominion fleet, with 450 to 500 ships, is heading towards the Gongye system," the communications officer reported.

Capt Rice asked, "Have you transferred the data to HQ?" Starfleet Headquarters.

"I did so 30 seconds after we decloaked."

"Then hail the Qin-- ask them if we can offer any assistance."

"Yes, Sir." One minute later, the communications officer reported, "Sir, the Qin welcomes any assistance we can provide in the coming battle."

"Then let's go." The Alaska, her armor still scorched and pitted, sailed out of the shipyard.

The Gonghe Navy ships were firing their heavy and medium PENIS cannons, using their superior firepower to counter the Breen and Jem'Hadar ships' superior speed and maneuverability. Most of the beams missed, but those that hit transformed warships into burning wrecks. As the enemy fleet withdrew, F-7 Vipers were launched. Photon torpedoes flew in all directions-- fighters on both sides were transformed into fireballs.

In the confusion, three Jem'Hadar fighters accelerated towards Gongye.

The Alaska stood in front of the sun, using its light to blind the enemy to the escort's position. "Sir, I detect a trilithium weapon..."

"Destroy it," Capt Rice ordered.

"Three..." Trigger-Happy rained phaser beams and photon torpedoes on the Jem'Hadar fighters, transforming one into a fireball. "Two..." The second tried to ram the Alaska, but this maneuver put it in the pulse phaser cannons' line of fire. "One..." A torpedo hit the third, breaching its hull-- the Klingon detected trilithium particles leaking from the breach like blood from a wound. A second torpedo destroyed the fighter. "Zero."

"Good job, Lieutenant."

>

Aboard a Breen warship, Terl stared at Gongye, waiting for the trilithium weapon to make the sun to supernova-- once this occurred, the fleet would be free to attack Hezuo III, the Gonghe Republic's legislative capital. "What the fuck is taking them so long?!" The sun disappeared behind a shadow. "Finally!" He noticed the shadow had arms and legs. "What...?"

Ren's MS-9S Tyrant command mechanized striker (MS)-- an 18.5-meter-tall, 79-ton killing machine-- fired a photon torpedo at the bridge, killing everyone inside. "Target neutralized." The MS put its hands on the Breen warship's bow and pushed, throwing the ship in front of another-- the resulting collision destroyed both ships.

The Asskicker exited warp to let Shep see one of the biggest naval battles he'd ever seen. The communications officer reported, "Boss, Outer Heaven," a network for private military contractors and their employers, "has a message from the Gung-Ho," Gonghe, "Navy."

"Tell them to shut the fuck up," Shep answered. "I'm no mercenary."

"Boss, they're offering a 1,000,000 yuan reward for each Breen warship we destroy, and 500,000 yuan reward for each Jem'Hadar fighter."

Shep's mind turned 180 degrees. "Tell them we're coming to their aid-- Daddy needs a new pair of shoes." The Asskicker accelerated to engage the enemy fleet, her disruptor cannons and torpedo launchers hammering any ships that got in the way.

The battle ended one hour later-- the Gonghe military, and the mercenaries hired to assist them, were victorious. Shin shouted, "Vengeance is mine!" as burning wrecks, all which remained of the enemy fleet, drifted in front of the Asskicker.

>>

Aboard the Skullfucker, Fanboy sat on a pile of gold-pressed latinum, drinking beer. He didn't get the full reward for the Breen and Jem'Hadar ships he destroyed-- the mercenary had to prevent the Gonghe military from learning about the seismic charges, which would make him a target-- but he still earned enough money to buy his own Leary station. "Not bad for a day's work." Fanboy swaggered into the cockpit. "Time to get some pussy." The patrol ship rocketed towards Planet GLOCK, home of Fanboy's favorite topless bar.

>

Aboard the Asskicker, Shep frowned at the two bishonen-- sexaroids resembling beautiful young men-- which Shin used to pay his fare. "How much are these things worth?"

"We are model 17M bishonen, multipurpose androids capable of serving as sex toys, servants, and/or bodyguards." A sexaroid opened a hidden compartment in his forearm, revealing a rail-- Shep knew it was designed to guide a pistol or knife from the compartment, to the sexaroid's hand. "Our market value is 180,000 to 200,000 yuan."

"I didn't know that samurai guy swung that way."

"Sir?"

"I was hoping for a pair of girl sexaroids, but," Shep shrugged, "360,000 to 400,000 yuan ain't bad for a day's work." He turned to a crewman. "Take some photos of them so we can sell them on Eternal Rainbow," a network for gay pornography distributors, "or wherever people go to buy bishonen."

"Sure thing, Boss."

>

Shin was the most frustrated man in the Gonghe Republic. A man of Japanese descent in a state dominated by those of Chinese descent, he constantly tried to raise his race's standing-- and failed, as demonstrated when the Gonghe Navy named two WANK cruisers "Enola Gay" and "Bockscar." Shin served nine years as a civil servant to qualify for the Legislature, where he tried to make Japanese one of the Gonghe Republic's official languages, after Mandarin, German, and American English, but the President told him, "Mandarin is the language of the people, German is the language of engineers, English is the language of diplomats and merchants. Japanese is the language of whores-- the Republic doesn't need more whores," a reference to the position Shin inherited from his father-- Chief Executive Officer (CEO) of a sex toy company, the galaxy's largest manufacturer of sexaroids. Defiant, Shin ran for reelection, but he was overheard (and recorded) saying, "Guns are a coward's weapons," which alienated over 90% of the adult population-- he lost to a retired mercenary.

Then Shin tried to arrange a marriage between Ai (his eldest daughter) and a young legislator who descended from Wilhelm I, German Emperor and King of Prussia-- Shin, whose ancestors were samurai, considered those of Chinese descent as peasants-- to gain the political influence he needed. But Ai-- the perfect woman, genetically enhanced to enchant German men-- declared, "I'm a lesbian." Shin tried to save the union by arranging a marriage between Ren (his youngest daughter) and the legislator, but Ren decided to join the Army instead of becoming a trophy wife.

Shin's dream, to raise the Japanese race's standing, became an obsession. He decided to raise an army and seek military honors, and ordered the sexaroids modified into combat androids. But trials showed the androids were as vulnerable to armor piercing explosive (APEX) bullets-- a Gonghe soldier's standard load-- as human beings.

The combat android project bankrupted the company-- Shin lost his position as CEO, leaving him with the Ukiyo. Subatomic particles were all that remained of the Leary station-- Shin, whose obsession consumed most of his money, was penniless until the insurance company completed their investigation. So when a Starfleet officer visited the hotel where he was staying, Shin's interest was piqued.

"Good morning, Mister Teppou," the officer greeted.

Shin stared at the officer's rank insignia. "Good morning, Captain..."

"I am Global War On Terror Rice IX."

"You saved the presidential capital from the effects of a trilithium weapon."

"I was only returning a favor." Capt Rice was awarded a gunblade, which was now displayed in the Alaska's ready room.

"How may I help a Gonghe hero?"

"Your company built an assault ship based on the Galaxy class explorer."

"It's useless. Exercises demonstrated the assault section," the saucer section, redesigned to land on a planetary surface, deploy thousands of soldiers, and return to space afterwards, "was too vulnerable during landing."

"I've studied the exercises-- an enemy must have defenses comparable to those of Gongye III to exploit this vulnerability. I believe the assault ship can be used to accomplish my mission."

"Which is?"

"To defend the Federation from its enemies. I am willing to pay any price to accomplish this mission."

Shin smiled-- he remained the legal owner of the assault ship and patents for its assault section. "Then let us negotiate a reasonable price..."

<>

Not the end.

Yes, the new title is inspired by the antagonists of Yasuhiro Nightow's graphic novel 'Trigun'. 'Trigun' rocks.

I changed a Klingon character's name in 2008. Chu'wI'Quch was originally named Trigga'Happi-- yes, I know it's a bad pun.

Only military service members, police officers, and licensed mercenaries may legally use APEX bullets. Do not violate this law-- the police won't hesitate to ask the military for assistance in capturing a heavily armed criminal.

By the way, Shin Teppou means, "Real Guns" and Ren Teppou means, "Romancing Guns."

Nomura Tetsuya designed the gunblade for 'Final Fantasy VIII'-- the weapon used the firing of a cartridge to vibrate the blade and increase the damage caused by a slash or thrust. In comparison, the Gonghe military's gunblades fire bullets, and is a useful long-range weapon.

The F-7 Viper is based on the Mark VII Viper from Glen A. Larson and Ronald D. Moore's 'Battlestar Galactica'. The command mechanized striker is based on the MS-9F Dom Tropen from Sunrise and Tomino Yoshiyuki's 'Mobile Suit Gundam'.