Star Trek - Series Fan Fiction / Star Wars - Series Fan Fiction ❯ Gung-Ho Gun Hos ❯ 4: Revenge of the Shit ( Chapter 5 )

"Technobabble, babble, babble," Doctor Keiko Ishikawa ordered, watching the monitor for changes in the experimental subject.

"Technobabble, babble, babble," Dr Rosalind "Rosa" Chao, her assistant, reported.

"Technobabble, babble, babble." Keiko watched the subject perform as predicted. "We did it! We created a biological vibrator!" she cheered as the genetically engineered banana vibrated, ready to pleasure to a woman.

Rosa faced her supervisor. "The Duchess will surely honor you with the Golden Womb for this achievement!" The gold sculpture of a woman's reproductive organs was awarded to female scientists who made important discoveries.

Keiko embraced her assistant. "You deserve the honor as well-- I couldn't have done this without you by my side."

Rosa blushed. "Doctor--" She felt Keiko's lips upon hers-- her mouth opened to admit Keiko's tongue as her hand closed upon Keiko's breast.

"Call me Keiko." The botanist reached under Rosa's skirt and felt vaginal fluids flowing down her thighs.

"Oh, Keiko--" Slam! "Gasp!"

The botanist turned to see a platoon of Cybele's Castration Clamps-- Zeon Defense Force (ZDF) Special Forces, women whose leather corsets incorporated mail armor, whose high heeled boots had electromagnetic soles to let them climb on vertical surfaces-- step through the door, scanning for ambushes and booby traps. "What's going on here?!"

"Don't move." Two Clamps' rifle-mounted tricorders scanned Keiko and Rosa. "Subject One, ID confirmed." "Subject Two, ID confirmed." The Clamps lowered their L1A1 rifles and stepped aside to let the platoon leader, identified by a crown inlaid with silver wings, approach Keiko. "We're sorry to disturb you, Doctor Ishikawa, but the sex offender Miles Edward O'Brien has escaped from prison. We're here to protect you and your research," the platoon leader explained.

"What?!" Keiko shook in fear and anger at her abusive ex-husband. "What about Molly and Kirayoshi?!"

"The Duchess has ordered the children to be brought to the Palace of the Amazons for their protection." The platoon leader put a hand on Keiko's shoulder. "In Cybele's name, we will not let them come to harm."

"Thank the gods..."

>

"Thank God!" Chief Petty Officer Miles O'Brien exclaimed. He bandaged bloody fingertips-- the man escaped by making lock picks out of his fingernails-- as the stolen shuttle sailed away from Zeon space. "Once we get back to Deep Space 9, I'll call up my Cardassian War buddies, and we'll send a battle group to fire a quantum torpedo down the throat of every goddamn dyke in the Principality of Zeon!"

A voice behind him said, "Don't... count... your eggs... before... they... hatch. We're... not... out of... the woods... yet."

Miles turned to the human-turned-dolphin in the cargo bay, a panty raider and pornographer who was captured by a ZDF garrison and used as a guinea pig for the development of biological weapons. "Don't get your panties in a bunch, Sparky! Here!" He poured wine into the dolphin's mouth.

"Cough, cough, cough!"

Miles laughed. "That should put hair back on your chest!" He turned to the controls. "I wonder if I can intercept a broadcast of an old rugby or cricket game?" Miles began fiddling with the communicator. "Hey, I got something!" he exclaimed as the words "Evangelion Wars" appeared onscreen. "Looks like one of those 'Gundam' cartoons Commander Data used to watch."

"What... the... fuck?!" Sparky exclaimed, watching a mechanical dragon transform into a giant robot. "That's... not... Evangelion... Unit... One!" He watched a tall, muscular man in a United States Army combat uniform pose in front of the robot-- the soldier spun a Colt Single Action Army (SAA) revolver as rails extended from a compartment in the robot's right forearm, guiding a revolver into its hand-- before the soldier and the robot fired at the screen. "That's... not... Shinji... Ikari!" The dolphin's flippers pushed against the floor as he tried to reach the viewscreen.

Sparky, formerly known as Spanky VII, Baron of Bukkake, was partially correct. 'Neon Genesis Evangelion' was an animated series produced in the late 20th century. After the copyright expired, Sparky's ancestor, the First Baron of Bukkake, produced 'Neon Revelations Evangelion', a remake "loyal" to the original-- in the last episode, the 14-year-old "hero" used the robot's power to destroy everything in the galaxy except himself and the girl with whom he had a love-hate relationship, so no one would interfere as he raped the girl to express his "love" for her, but the girl stabbed the hero with a piece of broken glass, killing him before she succumbed to despair and committed suicide. Another man produced 'Evangelion Wars', intending to "improve on" the original-- in the last episode, the 20-year-old hero apparently sacrifices himself to save the galaxy and the woman he loved, but the woman refused to believe he was dead and swore to await his return, as the robot carried the hero to Valhalla.

The Barons of Bukkake insisted that 'Neon Revelations Evangelion' was the true 'Evangelion'-- watching 'Evangelion Wars' drove Sparky berserk. "Mother... fuckers... desecrated... the holy... anime... Neon... Revelations... Evangelion! I'll... kill... them all!"

Miles watched a giant fish transform into humanoid monster to fight the robot. "Cool." Crash! "What?! What the fuck are you doing?!" he demanded as Sparky rammed the screen, trying to erase 'Evangelion Wars' from existence.

Red lights flashed. "Warning: hull breach," the ship's computer stated. "Structural integrity field adapting to seal breach... adaptation successful, breach sealed." Crash! "Warning: navigational systems malfunction." Miles kicked Sparky's head, knocking the dolphin unconscious, but the damage was done. "Warning: warp drive offline. Emergency procedures initiated. Exiting warp. Scanning for appropriate landing sites. One found: Class D planet. All passengers please brace for impact."

"Fuck me!" Miles felt like he was locked in a microwave oven as the shuttle entered the planetary atmosphere.

<>

GUNG-HO GUN HOS 4: REVENGE OF THE SHIT

An 'Unnamed Porno Fanfic' fanfic by Sidewinder, 2006 (revised 2009). Based on Darth Fanboy, Falkenhorst, and MKSheppard's story-- itself based on George Lucas and Gene Roddenberry's.

<>

M Lieutenant Junior Grade Harry S. L. Kim-- the "M" indicated higher rank as a mercenary, who'd revert to ensign if the Gonghe Navy recommissioned him in states of emergency-- was a content man. He was well-paid, which meant he was well-fed, well-entertained-- battle scars proved his masculinity, attracting women the way honey attracted bees-- and well on his way of achieving his ambition of becoming captain of his own ship.

"Emergency beacon detected," the tactical officer reported.

"Red alert," Captain Ai Teppou ordered. "Security teams, be alert for boarders. Remember, Orion pirates often send out fake distress signals to lure passing ships into a trap."

'Here we go again.' Kim often complained about his job as a mercenary-- Capt Ai kept sending him on suicide missions-- before his employer, Steel Angel Security Services, was hired to help "sterilize" the Borg occupation of Risa. At least he was armed and able to fight back when he went on a suicide mission. The recent invasion began when the Borg claimed they were political refugees and were allowed on the "Pleasure Planet." A Starfleet officer even let the Borg use a rapid assimilation process-- sodomizing him to pump nanoprobes into his body-- to "respect their cultural practices." 'I'm not letting some pirate ass-raped me for the sake of peace and equality,' Kim swore, his hand on a phaser pistol grip.

"Scanning... Bogie, one, Type 5 shuttle with Zeon insignia, emergency beacon activated. Two life signs onboard: one human, one dolphin," the tactical officer reported.

"Hail them," Ai ordered.

Miles appeared onscreen, kicking Sparky's head. "You stupid son of a bitch!" He realized he was being hailed. "Hello?"

"PMV Steel Angel to Zeon shuttle. You are in Gonghe space. State your business."

"We're saved!" Miles embraced Sparky and kissed the dolphin's forehead.

"Stop! Get... your... gay ass... hands... off... me!" Sparky demanded.

Miles ignored the dolphin. "This is Chief Petty Officer Miles O'Brien! I'm a Starfleet serviceman on a special mission of critical importance! My shuttle is damaged-- you must get me back to Federation space!" He knew Gonghe citizens viewed the Federation and Starfleet through rose-tinted glasses since Capt James T. Kirk saved the Gonghe capital from a Breen attack.

Ai turned to the tactical officer. "Remain at red alert. Tractor beams, target the Type 5 shuttle." She turned to the viewscreen. "Steel Angel to Chief O'Brien. We'll be towing your shuttle to a Gonghe Navy base so we can confirm your identity. Are you in need of medical assistance?"

"Yeah, I'm all black and blue thanks to some goddamn dykes," Miles answered.

"I... need... pussy," Sparky added.

"Standby. We'll transport you to sickbay after the shuttle is recovered." Ai ended communications and turned to the tactical officer. "Station security personnel in sickbay. Restrict O'Brien and the dolphin to sickbay until we get to Naval Station Ziqiang IV."

"Yes, Madam," the tactical officer answered.

>

Planet GLOCK, named for the manufacturer of the Gonghe military's standard pistol, was known as Ziqiang IV, "Self-Strengthening IV." After the Gonghe Republic was founded, GLOCK was one of four companies to successfully petition the government to change a planet's name-- the others were KRISS (a GLOCK subsidiary, manufacturer of the standard submachine gun), Mauser (manufacturer of the standard battle rifle and machine gun), and Barrett (manufacturer of the standard sniper rifle). The manufacturer collected royalties for every GLOCK handgun replicated in the Republic-- Gaston Glock's descendants were among the galaxy's wealthiest people.

This wealth became visible when the Steel Angel and the Saber Angel, Steel Angel Security Services' two Constitution WANK class heavy cruisers, docked at one of 450 Gonghe military defense stations orbiting the planet. As Miles' hospital bed and Sparky's fish tank were pushed into the station, the sex offenders saw the GLOCK Chairman's gift to the planetary garrison: golden dragons encircling the pillars, making the station resemble an imperial palace. "Jesus Christ." "Holy."

The mercenaries escorted the restrained sex offenders to Senior Captain Marsellus Wallace's office, decorated to resemble a throne room. The garrison commander took a personal access display device (PADD) from a mercenary, read the displayed data, and turned to Miles. "Miles O'Brien, Chief Petty Officer, Starfleet?"

"Yeah, now will you please release me? I got a mission to perform," Miles claimed.

"I contacted the Starfleet liaison at Navy HQ. For security, you must remain aboard this station until your identity is confirmed-- pirates are known to impersonate Starfleet personnel." Sr Capt Wallace was partially correct-- many Starfleet personnel were criminals. Fortunately for Starfleet, Republic authorities thought these criminals were imposters-- military and police officers would "do a favor" by beating these criminals, breaking every bone in their bodies, before handing them to Federation authorities for prosecution.

'Fuck me,' Miles didn't say. "Can you at least get me out of this fucking bed?"

Sr Capt Wallace ordered, "Unlock his restraints." Military police complied. "We prepared a room for you. I'm afraid the dolphin must remain in his tank-- we don't have accommodations for cetaceans aboard this station."

"Fuck... you," Sparky cursed.

"Shut your blowhole!" Miles reached into the tank to punch the dolphin. "Thank you, Sir," he said to Sr Capt Wallace, ignoring Sparky's curses.

>

Brigadier Zaia watched stars shoot by the battle bridge viewscreen as the ZSS Burdizzo and two D7-5 class battlecruisers followed the stolen shuttle's warp signature. A member of the Principality of Zeon Special Operations Service (SOS), Zaia was ordered to recapture the sex offenders at all costs-- the SOS was determined to perfect the experimental weapon that mutated Sparky into a dolphin.

The Burdizzo class assault cruiser resembled her namesake castration instrument. The portside "handle" mounted two catapults to launch fighters and shuttles, the starboard side a photon torpedo launcher and a four-barrel mini-torpedo launcher (rate of fire: 600 torpedoes per minute), the wings forming "open jaws" with two Delta Irradiation Keyhole Emitter (DIKE) cannons and four warp nacelles. Based on the K't'inga class battlecruiser, the Burdizzo was equipped with a cloaking device and fitted for ablative armor plates. Zaia wondered if the cloak was effective against Gonghe Navy sensors, and if the armor was effective against Gonghe Navy weapons. 'I don't want to know.' A year ago, Zaia accompanied a female mercenary commanding a WANK cruiser she hired to hunt down two sex offenders who escaped to Klingon space. She watched the trigger-happy mercenary masturbate as the WANK cruiser's weapons vaporized the sex offenders, their shuttle, and a 440-meter-wide asteroid that got in the way-- the sex offenders' identities were confirmed by scanning flash frozen skin and hair tissue.

"Mistress, we're at the Zeon-Gonghe border," the helmswoman reported. "Incoming, two Tianjian class destroyers, bearing two o'clock high, weapons hot," Lt JG Sakura Sulu, the tactical officer, reported.

"Full stop," Zaia ordered.

"Mistress, we're being hailed," Lt JG Jezebel, the communications officer, reported.

"Onscreen." 'Damn, that's an ugly outfit,' Zaia thought as a Gonghe Navy officer appeared, his tactical suit or "tac-suit"-- which warriors on duty were required to wear for defense against shrapnel, radiation, biological and chemical weapons-- a stark contrast to the Zeon crew's skintight leather uniforms.

"GGV Feidao to Zeon cruisers. State your business," a destroyer captain demanded.

"Burdizzo Battle Group to GGV Feidao, we're in pursuit of an escaped sex offender, requesting permission to enter Gonghe space."

"Incoming, two Tianjian class destroyers, bearing ten o'clock high, weapons hot." Sakura apparently played with her hair-- sign language developed to let women warriors communicate in secret-- to ask, 'Hit-and-run?' She saw Zaia signal, 'No, no, no.'

"Transmit relevant info to us," the destroyer captain demanded.

Zaia turned to Jezebel. "Make it so." The communications officer transmitted a copy of Miles and Sparky's criminal records, edited to hide the fact that Miles served in Starfleet.

"Please standby as higher command is contacted." The destroyer captain ended communications.

Sakura turned to Zaia. "Mistress?"

'So cute, so eager to please.' "Zaia to Papillon," she called to her executive officer (XO) in the aviation bridge.

"Papillon to Zaia."

"Captain Papillon, you have command. I'll be evaluating the battle bridge crew. Contact me when the Gonghe commander has given an answer." Zaia turned to Sakura. "Begin evaluation."

The tactical officer smiled. "Yes, Mistress!" She unzipped her corset to let Zaia's hands "evaluate" her breasts as her mistress kissed her. Jezebel and the helmswoman and retrieved dildos from under their seats, and then joined the orgy.

>>

"Cough, cough, gasp!" Miles inhaled deeply before holding his breath and reentering the bathroom. He knew Zeon would send an operative to kill him, and needed weapons to defend himself. He couldn't reprogram the food slot to replicate a weapon, so he decided to make fertilizer bombs by mixing his shit-- rich in nitrate, an oxidizing agent-- with replicated carbohydrates. 'I'm shoving a brick up Keiko's ass and lighting the fuse! That'll teach the bitch to respect her husband!' he swore, examining the mixture in the bathtub.

"You... stink!" Sparky exclaimed from the tank beside Miles' bed.

"Shut your blowhole!" Miles threw the "prototype"-- a cherry-sized ball of shit with a cigarette inserted to form a fuse-- into the tank, and dived under the bed.

Boom! "Squeal!"

Miles exited his "bomb shelter" to see water leaking from cracks in the tank. "Victory!"

"You... bitch! I'll... kill... you!"

Miles laughed. "Don't get your panties in a bunch!" He replicated sewing needles to form shrapnel and flares to form fuses, reentered the bathroom, and began "mass-producing" bombs. Surveillance cameras monitored this, but security guards weren't monitoring the cameras-- they were puking out their guts after they saw the sex offender play with his own shit.

>

M Major Jules Winnfield sensed a disturbance in the Force-- the "shatterpoint" upon which the lives of thousands of sentient beings hung in the balance. 'Someone needs an ass-kicking.' He gripped his knight saber-- a device projecting an energy beam to a fixed length to serve as a blade-- and went in search of someone to cover his back.

Kim sat in a cafe, sipping Raktajino as his PADD displayed advertisements for starships. 'Ex-Gonghe Navy vessel, Constitution WANK class heavy cruiser... Ex-KDF vessel, K't'inga class battlecruiser... Ex-KDF vessel, B'Rel class scout... What, no one wants to be captain of a freighter or a liner, something that doesn't get in trouble all the time?' He saw another ad. 'Ex-Starfleet vessel, Intrepid class... luxury liner?' Kim sighed. 'I heard rumors that Starfleet officers sold critical components aboard their ships for beer money, but this is ridiculous!' A metal fist slammed against the table. "What the fuck?!" Kim rose from his chair and reached for his phaser. "Major!" He froze in fear.

"You're alert. That's good." Jules put his prosthetic right hand on Kim's shoulder. "We got work to do: someone needs an ass-kicking."

'We?' Kim had a bad feeling, the same feeling he had whenever he went on a suicide mission.

"We ain't the ones bending over to get our asses kicked. Come on." Jules led Kim towards the room where Miles and Sparky were, and were stopped by two guards.

"Halt! This is--" The senior guard recognized Jules. "Sergeant Major Winnfield?"

"Sergeant Jackson, I sense a shatterpoint in that room," Jules pointed at a door behind the guards, "and I'm gonna hit it before it hits us."

"The thing you sensed when that Breen platoon tried to ass-rape us? Fuck." The guard looked around. "You still got your old uniform?" he whispered.

"Yes."

"Put it on before you come back, or the Commander will rip out my spine."

"Gotcha." Jules turned to Kim. "Stay here and await my return."

"Yes, Sir." Kim watched Jules sprint down the hallway.

>

Two Tianjian class destroyers escorted the Burdizzo Battle Group towards Planet GLOCK. Republic authorities reviewed Steel Angel report on the stolen shuttle's discovery, and decided to let Zaia retrieve the ship-- now the woman warrior must convince them to let her retrieve the sex offenders.

Meanwhile, Sr Capt Wallace, escorted by four warriors, approached Miles and Sparky's room. "Captain Wallace to Chief O'Brien. I must speak with you. May I enter?"

"Uh, no, you see, we're, uh... making love!" Miles turned to Sparky. "Squeal, you son of a bitch! We got to make this sound convincing!" he whispered.

"Fuck... you!" the dolphin cursed.

Miles punched Sparky. "Squeal!"

"Squeal!" Splash! "Squeal!"

"You're having sex with a cetacean?" Sr Capt Wallace asked, incredulous.

"Yeah!" Splash! "Squeal!" "Can you give us some privacy?" Splash! "Squeal!"

"No." Sr Capt Wallace ordered the guards to open the door, letting him see Miles-- his hands covered in shit, bombs hanging from pockets crudely sewn on his clothes-- punch the dolphin. "What in hell?!"

Miles gripped a flare igniter. "These are fertilizer bombs! Get back or I'll blow you all to pieces!"

"You're an imposter!" Sr Capt Wallace accused.

"I'm not an imposter, I'm a Starfleet NCO," non-commissioned officer, "and I'm getting back to the Federation if it's the last thing I do!"

Sr Capt Wallace drew his GLOCK 50 semiautomatic pistol. "Shoot him!" The warriors aimed MP50 submachine guns at Miles, confident the tac-suits would protect them from the blast and shrapnel-- then Sparky's tank shattered, the water sweeping the humanoids off their feet.

Outside the room, Kim slipped on the water now flooding the hallway. "Fuck!" As he laid on the floor, he saw a man ride a dolphin out of the room, down the hallway. "What the fuck?"

"This... is all... your... fault... mother... fucker!" Sparky accused.

"Shut your blowhole and get us to the shuttlebay, you stupid son of a bitch!" Miles ordered.

"You... shut... up!" Rubber bullets ricocheted off the floor, walls, and ceiling as the warriors recovered. "Fuck... me!" Sparky stopped trying to talk, his flippers pushing against the floor as he tried to reach the hangar. A man in a Gonghe Army dress uniform stepped in front of him. "Move... mother... fucker!"

"Get out of--" Miles watched the man become a blur-- then he felt the man's boot impact his face, knocking him off the dolphin's back.

Jules psychokinetically pulled the flares out of the bombs, disarming them. "Piece of shit terrorist." He saw Sr Capt Wallace and the warriors run towards him

"Li, Willis, apprehend the imposter. Yuan, Thurman, come with me." Sr Capt Wallace ran after Sparky, who was still trying to swim on the floor.

A warrior recognized Jules. "Sergeant Major Winnfield? What are you doing here? I thought you," he saw Jules signal him to be quiet, "were on leave," the warrior finished.

Jules saw Kim run to him. "Sorry I'm late, I had to alert the Teppou sisters." He noticed the man was out of breath. "You need to work out more. Join me in the gym at 1700 hours for some PT," physical training.

"Fuck," Kim cursed between breaths.

>

"Mistress, we're being hailed."

"Onscreen."

"GGV Feidao to Burdizzo Battle Group. We received word that the sex offenders built a terror bomb and threatened the garrison commander. One criminal, who identified himself as 'Miles O'Brien,' has been apprehended. One criminal, who identified himself as 'Sparky,' boarded the stolen shuttle and escaped. What are your plans?"

"Burdizzo Battle Group to Feidao. We will separate into two groups. The Penectomizer will continue to Naval Station Ziqiang IV and discuss the matter of Miles O'Brien with your officers. The Burdizzo and the Eunuchizer will pursue Sparky and the stolen shuttle," Zaia answered.

"Please standby as higher command is contacted," the destroyer captain ordered.

"I never imagined Gonghe military officers were so enthusiastic about covering their asses," Jezebel commented.

"GGV Feidao to Burdizzo Battle Group. Two PMVs," private military vessels, "were hired to escort you as you pursue the stolen shuttle. Please standby until the PMVs arrive, ETA," estimated time of arrival, "ten minutes."

"Contact, two, Constitution WANK class heavy cruisers," Sakura reported.

Zaia recognized one of the ships: the PMV Steel Angel, whose weapons vaporized a 440-meter-wide asteroid. "Damn."

"That was fast," the destroyer captain noted. "GGV Feidao to Burdizzo Battle Group. We'll escort the... Penectomizer... to Naval Station Ziqiang IV. Steel Angel Security Services will aid the Burdizzo and the... Eunuchizer's... pursuit of the stolen shuttle."

"Roger, Feidao." Zaia ordered the ZSS Penectomizer to follow the Gonghe Navy destroyers to Planet GLOCK.

Jezebel commented, "The mercs are probably here to keep an eye on us." Although they had significant trade relations, diplomatic relations between Zeon (founded by British militant feminists) and Gonghe (founded by Chinese People's Liberation Army (PLA) super soldiers, genetically engineered to fight Augments during the Eugenics Wars) were often tense. The Republic, inheriting the Chinese founders' suspicion of eunuchs, criticized the Zeon Justice Ministry for castrating male sex offenders. The Principality, wary of male-dominated societies, criticized the Gonghe Education Ministry for teaching girls that condoms were designed as waterproof seals for rifle and machine gun muzzles. "Mistress, we're being hailed."

"Onscreen."

"ZSS Burdizzo, this is the Steel Angel-- Oh, hi, Zaia! Ooh, you were promoted! Congratulations!" Ai cheered.

"Thank you, Love Guns," a direct translation of Ai's name.

"The Ziqiang IV planetary garrison hired us to aid your pursuit of a criminal. For security, please transmit relevant info to us."

Zaia turned to Jezebel. "Make it so."

The Steel Angel's communications officer quickly examined the data displayed above her console. "It matches the info we received from the garrison commander."

"Okay, get ready to rock!"

>

Aboard the Saber Angel, Colonel Ren Teppou took a knee in front of an altar to Donner, the German god of thunder. The Saber Angel's captain lit a stick of incense and planted it in front of the statue. "Prince Donner, protect us as we hunt for the bounty," she prayed. "Give us good fortune..."

>>

Sparky piloted the shuttle-- its computer reprogrammed by Miles to obey men's orders-- into the Federation space, towards an asteroid base. Established by Lord Spanky II, the base was where six Barons of Bukkake attempted to create a functional Evangelion, a clone of God with the power to erase the physical and emotional barriers between humans so their souls could merge together to be reborn as a one perfect being-- not the grotesque transforming dragon from 'Evangelion Wars' that actually enforced such barriers, as evidenced by the false Shinji's showing off, spinning and juggling his guns to impress women.

The Evangelion was still incomplete, without the holy powers demonstrated in 'Neon Genesis Evangelion', but Sparky was confident it was powerful enough to destroy a D7 or K't'inga class battlecruiser. 'I will rape the Principality of Zeon and avenge the humiliation I suffered in the bitches' hands!' the dolphin swore, starting the Evangelion's "super solenoid engine"-- matter/antimatter reaction assembly.

The Burdizzo and the Eunuchizer, flanked by the Steel Angel and the Saber Angel, approached Sparky's asteroid base as the 200-meter-tall robot emerged from a camouflaged hangar. "That looks like a castrated Evangelion Unit 01," Jezebel commented. "No draconian cruise mode, no atomic turbojets, no 280 mm Gauss cannons, no CQC," close quarters combat, "claws... And what the hell is that horn-like thing on its forehead?" The Unit 01 from 'Evangelion Wars' mounted a laser weapon there.

Zaia sighed. 'Damn otaku,' fan. "Is there a cockpit?"

"Affirmative: back of the neck. One life sign, cetacean male, detected."

"Sparky must be captured alive, I say again, Sparky must be captured alive. All ships, firing pattern Bobbitt Three," named for a woman who severed the penis of her abusive husband.

"Say again?" Ai asked.

"Castrate the robot." Zaia watched the Steel Angel's heavy Phaser Enhancement, Nuclear Isotope Surge (PENIS) cannon blast the Evangelion in half. "I said castrate, not disembowel!"

"Incoming, twelve o'clock!" Sakura warned, watching the robot's left leg fly towards the Burdizzo.

"Evasive action!" The assault cruiser dived to dodge the leg.

The robot's upper body spun like a propeller before crashing into the asteroid-- Sparky would puke if he were still a man. "Target... Zeon... cruisers. Positron... rifle--" He disconnected the weapon from its mount on the Evangelion's back, and noticed the rifle barrel was broken. "Mother... fucker!" He couldn't open the weapons bay doors on the Evangelion's pauldron. "Forgive... me... noble... ancestors." He tore open the doors to draw the progressive knife. The robot pushed against the asteroid, launching itself towards the Burdizzo.

"Fire DIKEs!" Zaia watched the beams pierce the Evangelion's shields, scorching its armor.

Sparky drew a second knife. "Justice... through... penetration!" He threw the knives into the DIKE cannon barrels.

The impact shook the battle bridge crew-- fortunately, they wore seatbelts to prevent serious injuries. "Mistress, DIKEs One and Two are inop!" inoperable.

"Scramble interceptor and MS," mechanized striker, "squadrons!" Zaia ordered. "Scramble fighters!" Ai ordered.

"MS pilots, prepare to scramble. I'll lead in the Queen of Battle. Commander Wu, you have command of the Saber Angel," Ren ordered as she marched into the turbolift.

Sparky ignored the ZDF interceptors and mechanized strikers launching from the Burdizzo and the Eunuchizer. The F-4 Dora interceptors' weapons were too light to threaten him. The MS-6F Zealots, led by a MS-7S Glory command MS, were insects that would be crushed in the Evangelion's hands. The robot's fists slammed against the asteroid to break off pieces of rock, which the dolphin threw at the Zeon cruisers. The mechanized strikers swarmed around the Burdizzo and the Eunuchizer, intercepting flying rocks that got past the interceptors and the Steel Angel's F-7 Viper fighter squadrons.

He was forced to reevaluate his opinion of the ZDF mechanized strikers when a thermal-electric whip extended from the Glory's right wrist to entangle an incoming rock-- the MS spun and released the rock in the Evangelion's direction. "Bitch!" the dolphin cursed, watching the rock break off the robot's horn.

Ren's MS-9S Tyrant command MS led seven MS-9 Dominators to Sparky's blind side-- the gaping hole where the Evangelion's lower body was-- taking advantage of the dolphin's obsession to punish the women warriors. "Odd numbers, target left armpit. Even numbers, target right armpit. Avoid reactor and fuel tanks. Ready, aim, fire!"

"What... the fuck?!" Sparky's head turned to see the Evangelion's arms, severed by the mechanized strikers' light PENIS cannons and Warthog torpedo volley systems, fly away. "No... fair!"

The Tyrant stowed its Warthog and extended the power bayonet mounted under the light PENIS cannon barrel, gripping the weapon like a lance as it rocketed towards the Evangelion's head. The robot turned to the MS, its mouth open, but Sparky failed to bite the Tyrant in half-- Ren filled its mouth with PENIS bolts, blasting a hole to the back of the neck, before the burning blade severed the upper jaw.

Sparky was blinded when the Evangelion's head flew away from the body. "Initiate... self-destruct... sequence." Silence answered him-- the robot's computer no longer functioned. "Initiate... self--" He felt the "entry plug"-- pilot's escape capsule-- being pulled out of the robot. "Squeal!"

"One life sign, cetacean male, detected," Ren reported, carrying the capsule away from the robot's wreckage.

"Burdizzo to MS commander, bring the cetacean to us. The freak will pay for the trouble he caused," Zaia swore.

"My orders were to deliver him to Republic authorities," Ren answered.

'Bitch.' "A pity. The Principality posted a bounty for Sparky's capture: 1000 bars of latinum."

"Life signs are falling, the subject is dead. I'm handing the body to Zeon medics to confirm the subject's ID." The Tyrant handed the capsule to the Glory.

"Beam that cetacean freak into the brig," Zaia ordered. "And prepare the bounty."

"You think these traitors to the female sex are worth that much money?" Jezebel asked.

"No, but our lives are."

Jezebel sighed. 'Damn mercenaries.' "Yes, Mistress."

>>

Sr Capt Wallace was pissed. The incident with "the imposter" publicly humiliated his command and himself. The descendent of Black Americans who, having endured centuries of slavery and persecution, refused to give up the right to bear arms after World War III, Sr Capt Wallace let anger and hatred fill his eyes-- weapons that burned away an enemy's will to fight-- as he stared at the unconscious man in the cell. "Warriors, beat the imposter until you break every bone in his--"

"Wait, we need him alive," Zaia stated.

Sr Capt Wallace angrily turned to the woman warrior. "Miss Zaia, this man was caught committing a terrorist act aboard a Gonghe military facility. The Principality's needs are subordinate to the Republic's in Gonghe space."

'If we were in Zeon space, I'd castrate you for this.' Zaia smiled, hiding her anger-- she was outnumbered and outgunned aboard Naval Station Ziqiang IV-- and said, "Hand him to us, and I'll make it worth your while."

"How?"

"The Zeon military is growing, but our domestic gun manufacturers are unable to keep up with our needs. If you negotiate an arms deal worth millions of bars of latinum, that's a positive note on your record, yes?"

Sr Capt Wallace calmed down. "Then let's negotiate."

>

Miles awoke with a splitting headache. "Argh! I haven't felt like this since the time I downed half a barrel of Klingon blood wine!"

"Good, you're awake. It's not right for you to be unconscious before your emasculation."

Miles stared at the woman wearing a crown inlaid with silver wings. "Who the fuck...?" He saw a bronze castration clamp adorned with sculpted cherubs, used to ritually castrate male followers of the goddess Cybele, in her hand. "No." A hand touched his shoulder-- he turned to see Keiko holding a scalpel.

"Welcome back, Miles." The botanist smiled as the platoon leader put the clamp on the sex offender's genitals, making him wince. "Don't worry, I'm not going to castrate you-- the SOS is developing a biological weapon that can transform men into women, and they need to know if your testes can become ovaries. Your penis, on the other hand..."

"Stop, you sick bitch!" Miles struggled against his restraints as Keiko lowered the scalpel. "How dare you?! Noooo!"

>

"Noooo!" Sparky rammed his head against the bars, trying to escape-- by busting open the cage or by busting open his skull, it didn't matter-- as the opening theme of 'Evangelion Wars' played nearby. "Turn... off... the TV! You... bitch! I'll... kill you... if... you don't... turn off... the TV!"

A guard entered the prison block. "Shut up!" She shoved a cattle prod down the dolphin's blowhole, silencing him. "My favorite show is on!" She exited the block and raised the television volume.

Sparky was a statue, unable to move or talk. Unfortunately, he could still breath-- despite his wishes, he wouldn't die from listening to the false Shinji sing a Johnny Cash song. 'I fell down into a burning ring of fire, and I cannot get out!'

"And it burns, burns, burns..."

'Fuck!'

<>

Not the end.

DIKE originally stood for "Delta radiation, Instantly Killing Emission." The new name sounds better, right?

WANK stands for "Warrior Armament, Naval Kind" for those who didn't read the previous stories.

By the way, Tianjian means, "Heavenly Sword," Feidao means, "Flying Saber," and Ren Teppou means, "Romancing Guns"-- an appropriate name for Ai's younger sister.

Jules and Sr Capt Wallace are named after characters Quentin Tarantino and Roger Roberts Avary created.

Anno Hideaki and Gainax created (and then destroyed) 'Neon Genesis Evangelion'. The F-4 Dora is based on the Dopp fighter from Sunrise and Tomino Yoshiyuki's 'Mobile Suit Gundam', adapted for 'Star Trek' technology and renamed after the women's rights activist Dora Black (1894-1986). The F-7 Viper is based on the Mark VII Viper from Glen A. Larson and Ronald D. Moore's 'Battlestar Galactica'. The command mechanized strikers are based on the MS-7B3 Gouf Custom and MS-9F Dom Tropen.

<>

In the Fortress of Solitude, at the center of the Fanfic Galaxy, Prime Dalton sat in his throne, assembling a scale model of a Constitution class heavy cruiser. 'Strange, I don't recall this thing having a spoiler.' The Fanfic Master examined the instructions, shrugged, and put the wing-- mounting two impulse engines and two phaser emitters-- between the warp nacelles.

Knock, knock. "Milord, it is Dalton Two-Three. We detected another fanfic paradox."

"Enter."

Dalton 2-3, a clone in Prime Dalton's service, entered the throne room. "Milord, we detected another plotline branching out from another plotline branch in--"

"The 'Unnamed Porno Fanfic'?"

"You are correct, Milord."

"What kind of trouble did those idiots," authors of the 'Unnamed Porno Fanfic', "caused this time?"

"Milord, apparently they created a parallel dimension, an 'Unnamed Porno Fanfic' fanfic, so they could write stories featuring giant robots from Japanimation."

"Onscreen." Prime Dalton's eyes widened to see two Zaias-- one from the 'Unnamed Porno Fanfic', one from 'Love Guns'-- sitting on a bed. "What is this?"

"Milord, apparently a ship from the 'Unnamed Porno Fanfic' and a ship from the 'Unnamed Porno Fanfic' fanfic have made contact through a dimensional rift."

Prime Dalton pressed a button on the armrest's integral remote control to raise the volume.

"Something on your mind?" Zaia One asked.

Zaia Two blushed. "I was curious, if I have sex with my counterpart from a parallel dimension, will that me a lesbian or a narcissist?"

Zaia One smiled. "Let's find out." She kissed Zaia Two, whose mouth opened to admit Zaia One's tongue.

"Milord, shall we...?"

"Hush," Prime Dalton ordered, watching the Zaias unzip each other's corsets to play with each other's breasts. "Leave the writers alone-- they're doing good work."

"Yes, Mi-mi-mi..." Dalton 2-3 became tongue-tied as Zaia One opened a drawer under the bed to retrieve a strap-on dildo.

"And get the fuck out of here."

The clone nodded and exited the room.