Star Trek - Series Fan Fiction ❯ [MSTing]MFT9K Episode III: The Stars Never Lie ❯ The Complete MSTing ( Chapter 1 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

By: Kyronea

*Turn The Lights Off*

(Things Just Look Better That Way)

DISCLAIMER: Mystery Science Theatre 3000 and its characters are copyrighted by Best Brains Inc. and are borrowed under the Fair Rights Use Act for the sake of humour only. No money is made from the production of this MSTing.

Any and all mentions of songs, fictional works, television shows, ect are copyrighted and owned by their respective creators and are used under the Fair Rights Use Act for the sake of humour only.

Star Trek: Voyager and its related characters are copyrighted and owned by CBS and Paramount Studios.

The Stars Never Lie is the property of annapixibell and is borrowed with permission for the sake of MSTing. Please note that no insult or offense is meant by this MSTing; it is meant, instead, as simply another form of C&C. The original, un-MSTed version is linked at the end of this MSTing.

MYSTERY FANFIC THEATRE 9000
BY: Kyronea
EPISODE III: The Stars Never Lie

(Cue Theme Song In Five...Four...Three...Two....One...)

In The Not Too Distant Future

In an Alternate Universe

Mike Nelson and Joel Robinson

Are Plagued By An Endless Curse

Caught By Forrester and His Mother Pearl

Two Evil Scientists Out To Rule The World

Their Experiment Needed a Good Test Case

So They Tied Up Mike and Joel and Shot 'Em Into Space!

MIKE : LET! US! DOWN!

JOEL: OH GOD NOT AGAIN!

PEARL AND CLAYTON:

We'll Send Them Cheesy Fanfics!

The Worst We Can Find! (La-La-La!)

They'll Have To Sit And Read Them All

While We Monitor Their Minds! (La-La-La!)

Now Mike And Joel Have No Control

Over When the Fanfic's Begin Or End

Because They Used Those Special Parts

To Remake Their Robot Friends!

ROBOT ROLL CALL:

CAMBOT! (Let's Go!)

GYPSY! (I'll Take Care Of Ya!)

TOM SERVO! (Isn't This Fun?!)

CROOOOOOOOW! (Again! Again!)

If You're Wondering How They Eat And Breath

Or Other Science Facts (La-La-La!)

Just Repeat To Yourself: "It's Just A MiST!"

"I Should Really Just Relax!"

For Mystery Fanfic Theatre 9000!

“The prophecy of Belial did not mention that the human would be so stupid!”

These words echoed through Michael J. Nelson's mind as he was unceremoniously dumped into a small arena at the centre of the treehouses, surrounded by several fierce-looking Huline weilding daggers and blow-darts: Wild Ones. Leading them was the Shaman who had spoken before, a rather old-looking but agile and swift foe, who was even now preparing spells intended to scatter Mike's ashes to oblivion.

Mike grinned wickedly and brandished the Greatsword Firestorm with relish, slicing through a Wild One before the poor feline could even raise her dagger. The sword unleashed its storm of flames, setting another Wild One alight.

Enraged, the Shaman launched a massive fireball, intending to consume Mike in its flames. And, for a moment, as it smashed into Mike and covered him in fire, it almost seemed to work. The Shaman allowed himself a small, toothy grin of triumph.

But then Mike burst through the flames, his eyes alight with a dark crimson, unholy glow, casting a red sheen on the Ancient Magic fueled Lich he had now become. His grey face bore a sadistic black-toothed grin as he stared straight into the Shaman's eyes hungrily, eagerly awaiting the chance to kill him. Around the Shaman, the Wild Ones were falling one by one as ghosts and spectres summoned by the Lich spell sucked the life from their bones, leaving naught but shriveled corpses.

The Shaman hesitated, a trickle of fear snaking down his spine like the icy tentacles of a gorgon. “H—how...?” he managed to hiss.

Mike just smirked and approached slowly, Firestorm raised for the kill. “N—no...no!” The Shaman tried to flee, only to find Mike's free hand wrapping around his throat and pulling him forward as Mike shoved Firestorm through his belly. “P—pawn...of Belial...” whispered the Shaman as he let out his last breath.

“Mike, what're you doing?” suddenly came the voice of Crow, sounding a little annoyed.

Mike whirled about and thrust Firestorm at this new threat, only to find the plastic of his mouse clangingly lightly against Crow's metallic chest. “Oh!” Mike blinked in surprise and then set the mouse back down on the mousepad. He scratched his head and laughed sheepishly. “Hehe...hi Crow! Just playing Lands of Lore II again.”

“Again?! You've already played it like a million times!” Crow shook his head. “It's over ten years old too...you'd think you could find something else to play...” He glared at the monitor, which displayed the Shaman's pixelated corpse. “And could you go through the game at least one time without killing the Wild Ones?!”

Mike rolled his eyes. “Did you want something, Crow?”

“Huh? Oh!” Crow glanced over his shoulder. “Joel wanted ya.”

“Oh...okay then...” Mike quickly saved his game and left his room, Crow following closely behind; they arrived on the bridge where Joel was busy setting up something with Tom and Gypsy's help. “Hey, Joel. What is it?”

“Hi Mike!” Joel greeted cheerfully. He nodded towards a box, where a very large number of what looked like spray cans were held. “Could you and Crow help me set these up please?”

“Uh, sure.” Mike and Crow snatched a few and went to work, setting them up in a nice display on the centre console.

“What is all this stuff anyway?” Crow asked.

“Well, it's a—“ The red light of the Mads interrupted Joel. “Oh, looks like Regis and Kathy Lee are calling.” He tapped flashing red button.

Pearl and Dr. Forrester looked particularly cheerful this day as they appeared on the viewscreen, cocky smiles in place. Erhardt was somewhere behind them, unseen, though definitely not unheard; his loud grunts as he pulled some sort of massive object closer and closer were quite evident. “Ah, the Four Stooges,” Dr. Forrester said with a characteristic chuckle. “How nice to see you.”

“Boy, you guys sure look happy today.” Tom's voice held a hint of suspicion.

Pearl shrugged. “We have a lot of reasons to be!”

“Such as?”

“Nevermind that now,” Dr. Forrester said. “Just show us your invention!”

Joel shrugged. “Okay.” He made a few last minute adjustments to his display of spray cans. “Well, sirs, I've been thinking lately about the popularity of cosplaying. It seems like everyone's been getting into it lately, and with a lot of neat costumes!”

“But let's face it,” Tom continued. “Most of the cosplaying sucks. Either the cosplayer didn't put enough effort into their costume, or they just don't fit the picture of the character...and really, it just embarrases them!”

“So, for people who want to cosplay, but can't do it well, I invented these!” Joel grabbed a spray-can at random and held it up; on it was a picture of Sephiroth from Final Fantasy VII. “Spray-on Costumes!”

As Joel took it over to Crow and sprayed it before Crow could react, Tom said, “Yes, the Spray-on Costumes have it all! They'll make you look just like the character, from the head to toe with all the trimmings!”

Joel finished spraying; Crow, apart from his height, looked just like Sephiroth; he even had the enormous katana, which he was trying to pull out to use on Joel. “You coulda warned me!” he shouted as he tried futily to withdraw the sword.

Dr. Forrester and Pearl were giggling as Joel shot Crow an apology and then picked up another can. “And we've got all sorts of costumes too! Want Captain Picard? You got it!” He tossed Mike the can, who shrugged and sprayed himself, transforming into a nigh identical copy of the good captain.

“We've got all kinds of people! Doc from Back to the Future, Harry Potter, Legolas, and even Ranma!” In a stage whisper, Tom added, “Ranma-chan sold separately.”

“And whenever you want to look like yourself again, just flip this little switch on the can—“ Joel showed an extremely small switch on the bottom of the can “—and spray yourself again, and you're back to normal!” In demonstration he sprayed Crow and Mike, who changed back to their normal appearances, with Crow looking more than a little peeved.

“What do you think?” Tom asked.

Pearl was still giggling as she answered, “Well...it sure is...interesting!”

“But it can't hold a candle to ours! Frank!” Dr. Forrester looked impatient as he called for Erhardt. “Frank!”

“I'm coming, I'm coming!” Erhardt yelled as he finally managed to finish dragging the massive object into view; it looked much like the sort of booth that surrounds benches at bus stops, only it was fully enclosed and had a television screen and a set of speakers inside. “Whew...” Erhardt, exhausted, opened the door to the booth and sat down on the bench inside, glad to finally have a bit of rest.

Of course, the booth immediately closed and locked him inside, prompting him to start pounding on the glass walls in a vain attempt at escape. “You know, sometimes, employees can just really cheese you off, whether it's by being late, or not turning in their work on time, or just by existing!” Pearl smirked, gesturing towards the booth. “So sometimes it's nice to have a way to punish them!”

“And as we all know, physical punishment is going out of vogue,” Dr. Forrester added, “So we decided to borrow that old Agony Booth idea from Star Trek and bring it up to twenty-first century standards!” He stepped over to the booth and pressed a few buttons.

Immediately Erhardt clapped his hands to his ears to try and drown out Celine Dion's “My Heart Will Go On,” but all he did was prompt Dr. Forrester to pump up the volume. Joel, Mike and the Bots cringed. “As you can see, we can inflict all kinds of mental pain!” Pearl beamed. “Poor Bobo here has to listen to it all.”

Dr. Forrester pressed a few more buttons and the music ceased. Erhardt breathed a sigh of relief only to take it back in a gasp as a random episode of “Everybody Loves Raymond” came on the screen, prompting Erhardt to try and cover his eyes and ears. This only made Dr. Forrester turn a switch that allowed the booth to hold Erhardt's eyes open. “Our Anguish Booth is sure to be a hit! We've already got orders from across the world, and we'll be raking in the dough in no time!” A sadistic glimmar lit Dr. Forrester's eyes as he let out a mad cackle.

“You're not going to send one of those things up here, are you?!” Crow shouted in alarm.

Pearl laughed. “Not if you do what you're told!”

“We'll be good! We'll be good!”

“Good!” Pearl turned to Erhardt. “And you will too, right?” Erhardt nodded enthusiastically. “Alright then.” She turned the booth off; Erhardt fled the booth in an instant and didn't stop moving until he was across the room from the machine. With another laugh, she looked back at the viewscreen. “Well, that was fun. Your experiment this week, as it just so happens—“ she winked “—is a Star Trek: Voyager fanfic. It's called “The Stars Never Lie,” and I'd be lying if I told you it made any sense! Bobo!”

Erhardt walked over to the file cabinet, withdrew the fanfic, and then stepped very carefully over to the feeder, doing his best to keep from accidentally falling back into the booth. He reached the feeder, fed in the fanfic, and sped away again. The viewscreen switched off.

Joel, Mike and the Bots all looked at each other. “So, Star Trek: Voyager, huh?” Mike said. “I'll get my Janeway costume!” He began pouring through the spraycans.

“NO!” The Bots cried.

Mike tried to protest, but alarms screamed and lights strobed. “Sorry, Mike, but we've got FANFIC sign!” Joel shouted!

Mike continued looking through the spraycans right up until Joel and the Bots dragged him into the theatre.

(DOOR SIX: A Velvet Curtain Opens Up)

(DOOR FIVE: An Iris Straight Out Of Stargate SG-1 Whirls Open)

(DOOR FOUR: A Door From Star Trek: TOS, Complete With The Sound, Opens)

(DOOR THREE: A Thick Iron Blast Shield Lowers Into The Floor)

(DOOR TWO: A Buzzing Forcefield Deactivates)

(DOOR ONE: Twin Vault-Style Wheels Spin And The Door Opens Up To Either Side)

Joel and Crow drag the still-protesting Mike and shove him down into his normal seat. Joel then sets Tom down in the far-left seat and sits next to him, Crow sitting in the far right seat.

“I really think it would've been a good idea, you know,” Mike grumbled as the fic started up.

> The Stars Never Lie

TOM: But they have been known to fib on occasion.

MIKE(Star): What? A pound of ice cream? I only had an ounce, thank you!

> 3 centuries earlier

CROW: A young Pierre Mottuex publishes the worst translation of Don Quixote ever made,

causing the Spanish to go to war. Again.

> The woman stood on the San Francisco Bay Bridge and stared into the

> water,

JOEL(Ominous): When you stare into the Abyss, the Abyss stares into you.

TOM(Abyss): You sure are lookin' lovely tonight!

> the time of the cataclysm had come and only she could change

> the fate of the universe. Again.

MIKE: See, this is why you don't run the universe on Vista.

CROW(Woman): Yes, damn it, I approve running this program! Hurry up and fix the

universe already!

> Angrily she ripped the pendant from

> round her neck and held it over the water, tears running down her

> cheeks she intoned the ancient words:

TOM(Woman): Beetlejuice, beetlejuice, beetlejuice!

CROW(Woman): Four score and seven years ago...

JOEL(Woman): Eat at Joe's...eat at Joe's...

> “All that I am, all that I have; now I give for all to be spared.”

MIKE(Woman): And I mean it! No more of this half-spared crap!

> She dropped the dragon shaped pendant, the only reminder she had of a

> people she could no longer remember

CROW: But frankly no one ever gave a crap about them anyway.

> into the water where it vanished with barely a ripple, suddenly a glowing white

> light filled the bay and a figure so dazzling you could not see it clearly rose from

> the water and spoke the ancient reply:

TOM(Figure): Thank you for using AT&T!

> “Given and accepted, their fate changed and sealed once more and the

> price paid.”

MIKE(Figure): That'll be twenty-two fifty.

CROW(Woman): Oh, where did I put my credit card?!

> The figure vanished and the woman sighed. Time to begin again

JOEL(Author): I'll just repeat this part of the story fifty more times as a warm-up...

MIKE&BOTS: JOEL!

JOEL: Hee...

> , an old man came to stand beside her and asked “are you ok?”

CROW(Woman): I'm stuck in an endless loop! What do you think?!

> The woman turned to him and said sadly “no, I just realised I don't

> really know where I belong anymore”

JOEL(Disney's Hercules): Hey, go get your own schtick!

> But the old man merely smiled and replied “do any of us? Look to the

> stars and you will find the answer, and remember the stars never

> lie.”

TOM: But they have been known to—

MIKE: We got that the first time.

> then as quickly and quietly as night he was gone leaving the

> woman standing on the bridge waiting.

MIKE(Woman): Ugh! Why do men always make me wait?!

> Now

TOM: A young Uwe Boll plans the demise of his next video game target...

> Kathryn Janeway stood in her apartment and sighed.

CROW(Janeway): Take a dead end role on Star Trek...what was I thinking?!

> She was thinking over her options none of which she was happy with

> if she was honest with herself when her door chimed, “come.” she called

> and Seven of Nine entered.

TOM(Janeway): And suddenly my options have improved, hehehe...

> “Am I disturbing you?” she asked.

MIKE(Janeway): Why, no, come right in...hee...

*Joel chuckles*

JOEL: Okay, that's enough you two...

> “No,” sighed the former captain, “I was just thinking what we are

> going to do now? What is there here for us?”

MIKE(Janeway): I mean, sure, twenty-fourth century Earth is a paradise without

any real worry or suffering or anything, but there's never anything to do, if you

know what I mean!

> She asked sadly and Seven of Nine knew that she wasn't talking about the

> Voyager crew but about herself and Seven, who if truth be told weren't all that

> happy about being home.

TOM: They both owe a LOT in taxes.

> They had both had a place and purpose in the delta

> quadrant, but on earth they were just Captain Kathryn Janeway the

> hero and Seven of Nine the ex-Borg curiosity.

MIKE: Also known as the Bobsey twins.

> “Well you are teaching at the academy and I...”

CROW(Seven): I just stand around and insult the intelligence of Star Trek fans everywhere

by looking “hot” in a stupid suit while acting like an emotionless social idiot.

JOEL: Not a fan of Seven, huh?

CROW: Oh, bite me.

> Seven trailed off; she didn't know what she was going to do, she had come

> to see her former captain and friend hoping that she might be able to advise

> her, but it seemed that Kathryn was in the same situation as she was,

> not really fitting in but unable to leave.

TOM(Singing): We're just two gals stuck in a crazy wooorld!

> “Yes the academy” murmured Kathryn. “You know I've been here before,

> walked down this road, and I still don't know where I belong, not

> really.”

JOEL(Old Biff): There's something very familiar about all this...

> she stopped and looked at Seven and said “Sorry.” she was

> about to continue when a dull throbbing sound distracted her.

MIKE: When you've got a headache THIS big...!

> She looked at Seven who had clearly also heard the noise which struck the

> captain as odd as she thought she was the only one who heard it, but

CROW: But what?

> ##

CROW: Ah...wait, huh?!

> before Seven could say anything her comm. unit beeped, pushing a

> button she smiled as Admiral Paris appeared on screen.

TOM(Janeway): Ahah, the entertainment has arrived.

JOEL: So what was with the scene change that didn't really change the scene?

> “We may have a problem” he said softly his eyes troubled, “can you

> come to headquarters? And bring Seven.” he said.

MIKE(Paris): We could use the laughs.

> A few minutes later they arrived at Starfleet headquarters where they

> were greeted by Chakotay, B'elanna, Tom, Harry and Tuvok as well as

> Admiral Paris and 2 young ensigns that she didn't recognise.

TOM: The Hardy Boys, back in action!

> At once Kathryn felt ill at ease, she had done this before and it seemed she

> was to do it again.

JOEL(Ominous): It is only a question...of when...

> “Kathryn this is Ensign Stella Kadlan and her brother ensign Joseph

> Kadlan” indicating the 2 young ensigns. “They work in the stellar

> observation lab and they have found something disturbing.”

CROW: They uncovered Tom's underwear collection?

TOM: HEY!

> He broke off looked around and then continued. “They found evidence that there

> is a planet at the centre of the universe, and shocking as it sounds

> there is a power core like nothing we have seen before that is...”

MIKE: A planet at the centre of the universe? Uh-oh...

CROW: We're entering Star Trek V territory!

*Everyone screams in panic*

> he broke off uncertain how to tell them the news. Kathryn felt a chill

> run down her spine as a voice whispered “a touch of destiny” sadly

> she replied to the admiral who was watching her with concerned eyes.

JOEL(Janeway): I'm...pregnant!

> “The core is on an overload sequence and it will explode soon

> destroying the entire universe in the process.”

TOM: Whew...dodged a bullet there...

MIKE: Wait...DESTROY THE UNIVERSE?!

CROW: But WE'RE in the universe!

*Everyone screams in panic again*

> Everyone stared at her and the Admiral said quickly “how did you

> know?” he asked

JOEL(Janeway): Two words: Plot. Device.

> Kathryn sighed and said “because I've done this before and it seems I

> am about to do this again, you would think that they would get tired

> of trying to destroy us, but still when you hate what you've created

> I suppose it only natural to destroy it, or try to.”

CROW: But of course.

MIKE: Oh yes, absolutely.

TOM: What're we talking about again?

JOEL: I dunno.

> “What are you talking about?” exclaimed Chakotay while everyone

> nodded in agreement, all except Seven and Tuvok who just regarded

> her.

TOM: ...as nutty as a fruitcake.

> The young female ensign Stella spoke, “We always knew, but I suppose

> we hoped that after several hundred years they would have given it up

> as a bad deal.” Everyone looked at her in disbelief.

CROW: Whatchu talkin' 'bout, Stella?

> “Well time to go.” Said the captain and with that she left the room

> and after a moment the others followed her.

*Everyone hums “Follow the Leader”*

> A few minutes later she emerged from a separate room wearing civilian

> clothing and carrying her uniform in her arms.

MIKE: Her civilian clothing looked shockingly just like her uniform.

> The group followed her to the Bay Bridge where she stopped. So many

> times she had stood in this place, the last place of power on this planet

> and the last place the guardians could reach into the mortal world,

MIKE: Roswell, New Mexico?

CROW: The Nazca Desert?

TOM: Tibet?

JOEL: Las Vegas?

MIKE&BOTS: Yeah—huh?!

she stared at the water remembering the other times she had stood here

and done the same thing as she was about to do again. “Here we go again.”

JOEL(Singing): Again, for the first time...

> she whispered. Holding the uniform bundle over the water she once more

> intoned the ancient words:

> “All that I am, all that I have; now I give for all to be spared.”

MIKE(Janeway): Now I know I said I mean it last time, but this time, I REALLY mean it!

> She then dropped the bundle into the water, and as before the water

> glowed and the figure came but this time the figure didn't speak the

> formal reply

TOM: The figure performed a light jig instead.

> but said in a sad voice, a voice that carried as much

> sadness and pain as Kathryn's. “Don't you ever get tired of this,

> losing everything, and all for them?”

MIKE(Janeway): Are you kidding? I live for this stuff!

> ##

TOM: I8!

CROW: B6!

JOEL: O9!

MIKE: BINGO!

> “Why would I, they are all I have.

CROW(Janeway): They're my precious...

> Thanks to them I have no memory of

> who I really am of who I was born to, but this time I will find out

JOEL(Janeway): I may have failed the first two hundred and fifty tries, but THIS time...

> and I will make this the last time, somehow I will make them see.”

> What she would make them see the others didn't know.

MIKE(Ominous): But they would soon find out.

TOM: We hope.

> The figure sighed and then spoke the formal reply:

CROW(Figure): Thank you for—oh, to hell with it.

> “Given and accepted, their fate changed and sealed once more and the

> price paid.” the glowing light encompassed Kathryn for a moment and

> Kathryn found herself standing on a grassy bank, as she looked around

> she saw many things that made no sense to her, then the light faded

> and was gone.

MIKE(Chakotay): What the hell was that all about?

> In concern Chakotay went towards her and said “Kathryn?” she turned

> to face him and shook her head.

JOEL(Janeway): I'm not Kathryn! I AM ZUUL!

> “No, that is the price I paid to save you all. Again.” She sounded

> bitter.

CROW(Janeway): But I'm not bitter! Really!

> Stella approached the group and said softly “that is what she does,

> every time the creators try to destroy us she stops them but has to

> give up her current identity, she has done this so many times that

> she doesn't remember her real people, the people who she was born to,

TOM: So...does this mean she took over Janeway, or IS Janeway?

MIKE(Donald Duck): Who knows...?

> they saw to that but I think the time is changing and the Creators

> are going to have to face the fact that they can't control us

> anymore.”

JOEL: We are not your slaves! WE ARE FREE MEN!

*Everyone cheers*

> She turned to look at them all and said “She is going to

> have to go on a search to find who she really is, and she is going to

> need your help, all of you.” she finished turning to face the rest of

> them.

MIKE(Chakotay): Nuh-uh. I put up with seven years of that crap. Not anymore!

> Admiral Paris said softly to the small group “you can take the new

> prototype the Eclipse.

CROW(Paris): We stole this from Vader. He won't miss it.

> It's designed so that it can be run by a crew

> of 12 but you should be able to manage with who you have if Stella

> and Joseph go with you.”

JOEL(Paris): You're used to running undermanned anyway.

TOM: You know, if Janeway's an immortal being, it WOULD explain how

Voyager kept in such good shape all the time...

> He smiled and said in a sad voice “I wish I

> could go with you but I can't. You will find what your looking for

> old friend, goodbye.” And with that he walked sadly away from the

> girl he had looked on as a daughter since her own father has died.

MIKE(Janeway): He...he left me!

*Mike clenches his fists*

MIKE(Janeway): Nobody leaves me! NOBODY!

> Kathryn sat with Seven in her apartment and they planned.

CROW: They schemed up the most devious plot you've ever seen!

JOEL: Peanut-butter flavored POPCORN?! They're insane!

> Planned an impossible seeming quest when the door chime went,

TOM(Doorchime): We're sorry, but Kathryn Janeway is not available right now.
If you could leave your com badge and communications frequency after the beep...

> Seven opened it and Samantha Wildman and her daughter Naomi entered,

> “captain... I mean admiral

*Mike imitates the sound of a knife stabbing*

MIKE(Janeway): No one forgets my rank...and lives!

*Joel grimaces*

JOEL: Would you turn that down a notch, Mike?

MIKE: Sorry, sorry...

> I hear your going on a quest, Naomi is insisting that

> she go with you and I think she might be right.”

CROW(Samantha): Normally I'd think she's just being a kid but someone named Marrissa

Picard called me up and...

> and with that Samantha left the little girl in the apartment and walked out closing

> the door behind her, in the hallway she stopped and turned to face

> the closed door and began to cry softly “goodbye my daughter I pray

> that we will meet again.” And with that she fled the building and

> into the busy street.

*The Bots imitate a bunch of car horns*

JOEL(Truck Driver): Oi, crazy lady! Get out of the street!

> “Naomi why do you have to come?” asked Kathryn looking at the small

> girl with interest and a little sadness because even now she could

> see the changes that were happening to the child, changes that would

> make it impossible for her to remain on earth for much longer.

MIKE: She's turning into a teenager!

TOM: Yes, in the future, all teenagers will be booted from the planet!

CROW(Samantha): Go find a job you lazy bum!

> “You know why Kathryn” said Naomi her childish voice sounding very

> adult “Somewhere deep down inside you know why.”

JOEL(Naomi): Somewhere around the liver...oh, no, wait, that was just the alcohol...

> Kathryn studied the child and said softly “Not this time old friend,

> not this time.

TOM(Janeway): I can only afford one ticket!

> You're needed here; I will miss you.” Her eyes had

> filled with tears as she said this and now they spilled down the

> face. A face that Seven noticed seemed younger.

CROW(Seven): She stole my youth cream!

> ##

MIKE(Bob Barker): Now, is the price lower or higher than the number shown above?

JOEL(Contestant): Higher!

*Buzzer*

MIKE(Bob Barker): No, I'm sorry...you lose. We'll see you in the Showcase Showdown though!

JOEL(Contestant): Aww...

> Naomi smiled and said “this is as it should be, I will wait for you,

> and this time will be the last, you will find what you are looking

> for.”

TOM(Naomi;Whisper): Your keys are in your coat pocket!

> And with that she left the building and as her mother had done

> she turned to the closed door and whispered “good luck and always

> remember the stars never lie.” and was gone.

CROW(Ominous): She was never seen again.

MIKE: Eh, nobody'll miss her.

> The small group of people met at the launch bay and boarded the small

> vessel,

TOM: Only to discover they'd accidentally boarded the Millenium Falcon!

JOEL(Han Solo): Chewie, we've got COMPANY!

“Tuvok, you will man the tactical, B'elanna if you could go

> to the engineering section, Seven, Stella and Joseph if you could

> please go to the astrometrics/stellar observation section, Harry you

> have the conn as usual. Tom you will be our pilot and if you could

> sit as my second Chakotay, oh and just to let you know there has been

> an addition to our crew, the doctor is in sickbay, but I believe he

> will be joining us on the bridge. I don't know how long this will

> take, it could be a day or it could be a year and a day. Thank you.”

MIKE: Why didn't she just say “Everyone go where you were on Voyager?”

CROW: Because that wouldn't have been as dramatic?

JOEL: It could be a year or a day...they're going to the centre of the universe, for
Pete's sake!

TOM: Apparently the Eclipse is equipped with an Improbability Drive.

> Kathryn did not turn to see if they were obeying her orders but

> simply trusted that her crew would be doing as she ordered.

CROW: So, naturally, they were all making paper airplanes and passing notes.

> “Ready to set course,” tom said from the helm. Before the captain

> could answer a communication arrived from Vulcan advising that the

> high priestess wished to see the captain.

MIKE: We interrupt this program to bring you some live news from Vulcan...

JOEL(Reporter): Uh, yes, as you can see, we've got a major plot-derailment here...

We're getting reports of a lot of casualties and the plot isn't expected to get back on

track for several hours...

> Tom laid in a course for Vulcan and the captain waited for small ship to arrive.

TOM(Janeway): Well, better go relax in my quarters..this'll take awhile...

*Tom mimes Janeway going into the turbolift*

> “Captain, we have entered Vulcan orbit and the high priestess wishes

> to see you.” Tuvok call over the com. to the captain

TOM(Janeway): Wow, that was fast...

*Tom mimes Janeway stepping back onto the bridge*

> “Thank you I will beam straight down.”

> Once on the surface Kathryn was greeted by a Vulcan woman so old it

> was hard to see how she was still alive,

CROW: And I mean old! She was wrinkled and decrepit and bent over and weilding a

cane and she made Cologne look like a two-year-old and—

JOEL: Okay, I think we get it, Crow.

> the woman led her to the temple.

> “I can tell you this: you were never Vulcan or any species native to

> this quadrant or to this universe, you belong somewhere else, to

> someone else, look to the stars, they never lie they will always lead

> you home.”

MIKE: Boy, the author sure likes that phrase.

TOM: Not from this universe, huh? Figures...

> Kathryn paused considering this but when she turned around the old

> woman was gone and she was alone.

CROW(Janeway): Ah, nuts, I forgot to charge the batteries on the holoprojector...

> Silently she looked up and saw the stars glittering brightly. “But they're just stars.”

> She said when a group of stars began to pulse brighter then lighter seemingly in time

> with her heart beat.

JOEL(Ominous): They pulsed faster and faster and harder and longer until finally her heart

could take no more!

MIKE: Bad science on Star Trek? Who'da thunk it?

> “Oh...” she stared for a long time, the realisation coming to her, she didn't belong in

> the universe, she belonged to the universe.

TOM: Ah, clears that right up—wait, huh?!

> Once back on the ship she said to Tom “set a course for the planet at

> the centre of the universe

MIKE(Janeway): Prepare for LUDICROUS SPEED!

> I know where I came from but I still don't know who I am, or do...”

> she trailed off and looked at Stella “oh god, Naomi she was right I know,

> have always known, I'm a Creator aren't I?” she cried staring accusingly

> at Stella.

CROW: Butbutbut—huh?!

JOEL: You know how I said the last fic was more confusing than Time Cube?
I take that back. THIS fic is more confusing than Time Cube.

> “Not exactly a Creator, you're the daughter of the First Creator.”

> Stella answered softly

TOM(Janeway): So I'm related to Roddenberry?! WOO HOO!

> As they neared the planet there was a burst of light and the crew

> found themselves standing on the planet in a green glade, surrounded

> by shimmering people, who as they watched faded and they could see

> the Creators true faces.

MIKE: Tonight on a very special Crossing Over with John Edward...

> “As you can see, we all wear the face that suits our heart. You have

> found your way home little one”

CROW: So Lwaxana Troi is a Creator?

JOEL: She does have the ego for it.

> she said turning to Kathryn “however you had help from some people ##

TOM: 24 people?

MIKE: 32!

CROW: 64!

JOEL: 99!

> who should not have interfered. The two you know as Joseph and Stella

> are really travellers and they should have known better.

TOM: They learned that habit from Wesley.

> The girl Naomi knows more than is good for her at her age, but then

> that is to be expected from a way-walker.”

MIKE: Naomi would later become the first leader of the Aeon Illuminate...

> Seeing the confused looks on everyone's faces she continued, “A way-walker

> walks the invisible paths watching people's destiny but is unable to interfere.

ALL: Oooooh.

> She knew you would come here. But now it is time to do what you came here to

> do.” And at her words a console appeared beside them. “Time to close

> it down.”

TOM(Singing): Shut off the lights...and go to sleep...

> “You mean the core, you can't close the core down, the universe needs

> it!” cried Chakotay in horror

CROW: It does?

JOEL: How would he know?

MIKE: And what does it do, anyway?

> “Young man the universe does not need the core; we needed the core

> once, but not anymore. Time for you to stand on your own two feet.”

> Said the old woman.

TOM(Woman): So give Janeway back hers!

CROW(Chakotay): Aww...

> Kathryn moved to the console and pressed a button and the world

> around them went strangely quiet and the others knew that the core

> had finally been shut down.

MIKE: No doubt just bare seconds away from a catastrophic explosion or something...

> Finally for the first time since the First creator had created everything and the

> core, the universe was what it was always meant to be.

JOEL: A delicious slice of chocolate cake!

> “What happens now?” asked Kathryn

TOM: The Second Impact? How should I know?!

> “Time for us to go, however if you wish you may stay and remain as

> Kathryn Janeway.” Replied the old woman

CROW(Woman): And if that doesn't suit you, you can always get your degree

in accounting!

> “I went on this quest to find who I was, but I did it wrong, you

> don't find who you are by looking for yourself, it's what you do that

> makes you who you are, I think that I need to go and be myself, my

> real self.”

MIKE: Hillary Clin—

*Crow covers Mike's mouth*

CROW(Whisper): No politics!

> And with those she began to change, her hair darkened and

> lengthened until it was waist length and black, her skin became the

> colour of golden corn with a slight fuzziness to it and a long feline

> tail appeared, and from her hair two small triangular ears popped up.

TOM: Oh my God...SHE'S A CATGIRL!

*Everyone screams in panic AGAIN and then suddenly stop*

MIKE: Wait, why is this a bad thing?

> “Fenna, I think that will be my new name.”

CROW: Henna and Penna were also considered but rejected for sillyness.

> At the looks of astonishment on her friend's faces she smiled “You didn't

> think Kathryn was my real form did you?”

JOEL(Chakotay): Well we did work with you for seven years without even a hint

about this stuff...

> she finally had what she wished for; she had the memories of the people the

> first creator had given her to, a felonoid species.

MIKE: The Huline?

CROW: The Kilrathi?

TOM: The Mithra?

JOEL: The Kzinti?

> She saw them back to the ship and smiled softly at each of them, she

> gave each of them a kiss as they boarded the ship

MIKE(Chakotay): Mmm...chocolate.

>, but as Seven passed her she took to women's arm and smiled,

TOM(Seven): I want a real kiss...

> “he loves you” she murmured as they both turned to look at Chakotay,

> Seven smiled and nodded, she knew now where her destiny lay.

CROW: The late shift at Arby's.

> Chakotay and the others boarded the Eclipse and after lift off set a

> course for Earth “Do you think she'll be alright?” he asked.

JOEL(Seven): I estimate the probability of her survival at 793...to 1.

MIKE(Chakotay): Is that for or against?

JOEL(Seven): I don't know!

> Seven looked at him quizzically “Will who be alright?”

TOM(Chakotay): Janeway? Captain Janeway?

CROW(Seven): Who?

TOM(Chakotay): The woman who saved you from the Borg?!

CROW(Seven): The what?

> she asked and Chakotay was shocked to discover that he didn't know who

> he meant, already their memories of her were fading,

MIKE(Chakotay): We're free! We're free!

JOEL(Seven): From what?

> “Never mind, lets go home.” He said. But from the helm Tom smiled and

> thought “Good luck Fenna” he didn't know why he and not the others

> remembered her but he swore that he would keep her secret.

TOM: He'd spill it after a Romulan ale or two though.

MIKE: Look's like that's it guys.

TOM: Yeah, let's beat it.

Joel picked up Tom and followed Mike and Crow as they made their way out of the theatre.

(DOOR ONE)

(DOOR TWO)

(DOOR THREE)

(DOOR FOUR)

(DOOR FIVE)

(DOOR SIX)

“Wow, that was a weird one, huh?” Tom said as they emerged onto the bridge.

“You said it!” Crow agreed. “I didn't understand it at all!”

“It was really confusing.” Joel shrugged. “I dunno, it kinda seemed like the author was trying some original ideas and it didn't really work out.” He scratched his chin. “Interesting ideas though. I sure wish the author could've done them better...that could've easily been a really good fic!”

Mike muttered, “Well I'm just glad it's over.”

A red light flashed; Joel slapped the button. “So, what do you think, sirs?”

Pearl and Dr. Forrester barely glanced up from their popcorn as they watched Erhardt stuck back in the Anguish Booth, subjected to a marathon of Rick Astley songs. “Huh?” Pearl waved them away. “Yeah, yeah, whatever, we'll get you next time, blah blah blah—HUSH!”

Joel and Mike turned a rather pale shade of green. “Yes ma'am...” Mike managed to choke out after a moment.

Dr. Forrester glared at the viewscreen and hit the button without another word.

THE END

*Mighty Science Theatre theme*

Thank you for reading. Sorry about that really random first part to the first host segment...I've been playing a lot of older games lately and that one just kept bugging me to write something about it, so I did. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this.

Thank you to Megane 6.7 for inspiring me to do this series. As always I hope it can live up to yours.

Thank you to Jim Gadfly for his superb MSTing page and wonderful source formatting tool.

A special thanks to annapixibell for letting me MST the fic. I meant what I said there; I like where you were trying to go with it, so I say try to keep writing.

Again, thanks for reading. Please review this either where you found it or via e-mail, and keep an eye out for more Mystery Fanfic Theatre 9000!

picardmpc@gmail.com — E-mail Kyronea

http://www.angelfire.com/va/gadfly/mst3k.html —Jim Gadfly's MSTing Page

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4260097/1/The_Stars_Never_Lie —Original, Un-MSTed fic

*Twang*

> “The core is on an overload sequence and it will explode soon

> destroying the entire universe in the process.”