Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ Have You Tried Reading This Story While High? ( Chapter 19 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Kazuya: (reading newspaper) "Family sues Midway after child who ripped out a man's spine claimed that he was copying Mortal Kombat"? What the hell?
Kazuya: Damn it, if I get any more visitors, I'm just gonna get a guard bear like the old man!
(Kazuya opens the door)
Lee: Hey Kazuya, can I borrow a hodoo?
Kazuya: What's a hodoo?
Lee: Anyone. (pulls out a tape recorder and plays laughtrack)
(Kazuya smashes the tape recorder)
Kazuya: What the hell do you want?
Lee: I just stopped by because I was wondering how the trial was going.
Kazuya: It's starting today, fortunately I'm not going to have to testify yet, apparantly they're bringing in all kinds of Tekken and Namco characters as witnesses.
Lee: Really? That's funny, no one asked me to testify...
Kazuya: Do you ever have anything important to say?
Lee: ...oh, right. So when are you leaving for the trial?
Kazuya: ... (looks down at watch) Ah shit, I'm late!
(Kazuya shoves Lee out the door and puts on his purple coat)
Jun: Kazuya, wait!
Kazuya: Damn it, Jun, I'm in a hurry!
Jun: It's about the trial...
Jun: Kazuya, when you're testifying, do you think you could...watch the language?
Kazuya: What the hell are you talking about, what kind of stupid shit is this, what's wrong with my goddamn language?
Jun: I was just wondering if you could avoid the use of...the f word...
Kazuya: Jun, I've never used that word in the 18 chapters this piece of shit story's been around!
Jun: That's only because you've always been conveniently interrupted before you could say it.
Kazuya: What the hell are you talking about, no one can stop me from cursing if I want to, I can say fu-
Lee: Kazuya, if a scantily-clad woman with a wolf floating behind her comes by, tell her I'm out on business, I don't want her to know I really live in a box.
Kazuya: ... (turns to Jun) I can say whatever I want, and some conveniently written situation can't stop me from saying f-
Heihachi: Kazuya, there's a hoard of Jack units following me, I don't know if I lost them, but I've found out who sent them, and now you and I can-
(Kazuya tosses Heihachi off a cliff conveniently located outside the window)
Kazuya: ...Jun, assuming I get the chance, if I want to curse, then I have a right to curse!
Jun: Kazuya, if you use one profanity during the trial, I'm....I'm not going to do IT anymore.
Kazuya: Wha...? No, you can't do that!
Jun: I will if you can't watch your mouth!
Kazuya: Come on, give me what I need, baby!
Jun: Forget it, Kazuya, if you embarrass us in front of everyone, no more accountant role-playing in the bedroom!
Kazuya: ...oh, now you don't mean that...
Jun: Yes, I do.
Kazuya: No, you don't, I know how much you enjoy it...
Kazuya: I've been a bad little accountant...
Kazuya: It looks like I've been laundering funds...
Kazuya: ...I guess I'll need to be take in for some questioning...
Kazuya: I hope I'm 'tax exempt'...
Jun: ...Kazuya, until the trial's over, we're not playing that game.
Kazuya: ...ALRIGHT! FINE! I'll be...family friendly...
Jun: That's my sweet little Kazzy! (kisses Kazuya)
Kazuya: Ah, geez, Jun, enough with the damn kissing!
(Kazuya and Jun leave)
Lee(who doesn't know when to leave): Huh, I wonder what married life would really be like...
(screen gets all wavy like in tv shows where people start having dreams and freaky hallucinations)
Lee: (enters) Hello, my beloved family, I've come home to your undying love.
Anna: (sitting on the couch watching television while smoking a cigarette) So the useless little unic returns, I'm suprised you're not too ashamed of yourself to even bother showing your face to anyone here.
Lee: You know I'd never abandon you, dear, I couldn't bear living without you.
Anna: Enough with the mushy crap, you little shit, where have you been for the last ten hours anyway?
Lee: At the office, I was working overtime so I could pay off the bills from the Home Shopping Channel.
Anna: Oh, shut up, I am so sick of your whining, I work so hard staying in shape like this, going to that expensive gym, and working with that personal trainer, the young one with the nice, tight little-
Lee: But you don't have to do that, my loving wife, you know I'd love you no matter how you looked.
Anna: I don't care what you think of me, we're already married!
Lee: Yes, dear.
Anna: By the way, I need $200, they have this new fur coat that is simply to die for. And that bitch Michelle's getting one from her husband. Now you don't want to look like a bad husband, do you?
Lee: But the bank won't let me borrow any more money, all the credit cards have been maxed out.
Anna: So get another job, it's not that hard!
Lee: But I already have two jobs, dear...
Anna: Then get a third! You work at two 8-hour jobs a day, that still leaves another 8 hours remaining, do you really need all that time for sleep? That reminds me, you're sleeping on the couch tonight because I was angry at you earlier after seeing that Lifetime special about men. Ugh, men...
Lee: ...yes, dear...
Anna: And another thing...
(Lee snaps out of his delusional fantasy)
Lee: ...Damn. She was hot.
Judge: The case of The People Vs. Namco is now called to order, we shall hear opening statements from the prosecution first.
Prosecutor: People of the jury, I intend to prove to you that the company Namco has unleashed a vile, child corrupting menace on society, their franchise Tekken encouraging the young to use brutality against one another, dumbing down their fragile minds into accepting senseless abuse of others, resulting in countless acts of violence across the nation. As you are no doubt aware, a young Timothy Larson recently brutalized his grandfather to death in his sleep, blaming Tekken for his actions. This is proof that the series is a threat to society and I feel that it should not only be banned from the market, but that the creators should be brutally sodomized. Thank you. (sits down)
Kazuya: Sodomy. Damn, he's good. Who'd Namco get as their attourney?
Heihachi: They didn't want to take any chances, so they brought in a brilliant geneticist from Russia.
Kazuya: Heh, I knew they wouldn't let us down, they need us too much.
(Dr. Boskonovitch enters)
Kazuya: Those motherfu-
(Jun glares at Kazuya)
Dr. Boskonovitch: Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, it is not whether or not Namco is guilty of these charges, but the beneficial effects of boxing that matters here. True, children can become badly hurt in a boxing match, but it enhances social skills and builds self confidence. If boxing is considered offensive, then we might as well give up on society as we know it, for without boxi-
Judge: May I remind you that competitive boxing is not on trial here.
Dr. Boskonovitch: Ah, yes. No further questions. (sits down in the witness stand)
Kazuya: Those...those bastards...they sold us out...
Prosecutor: Your honor, we'd like to call our first witness.
(a woman steps up to the witness stand)
Prosecutor: Would you please state your name?
Woman: Melanie Larson.
Prosecutor: Mrs. Larson, isn't it true that your son Timothy frequently played Tekken games?
Woman: Yes, he played them all the time.
Prosecutor: Did you realize that these games might not be appropriate for him?
Woman: No, I wasn't properly warned, the game clearly said T on it, which I can but assume stands for Toddler, and my boy most certainly is not a toddler, so I never bothered to watch him playing the game.
Woman: ...what? I have a life of my own, you know! (cries)
Prosecutor: Thank you, Mrs. Larson.
Kazuya: T is for Toddler, M is for Mild...dumb bastards would probably think AO stands for All Organisms...
Prosecutor: Next witness, please.
(a boy bound like Hannibal Lecter is led to the witness stand)
Prosecutor: And you are...?
Boy: Timmy Larson. (slobbers)
Prosecutor: Could you please recount for the court how the Tekken games affected you?
Boy: Yeah, I used to just be a normal little boy, a nice, smooth young boy... (begins drooling) But then those games corrupted my innocent mind, and I could no longer contain the voices! The voices in my head! I have to kill again! GwaauaAAUUUUAAAHHH!
Prosecutor: Thank y-
Prosecutor: ...that will be all.
(Timmy is led outside)
Prosecutor: I'd like to call the next witness.
(a woman steps up to the witness stand)
Prosecutor: And what is your name?
Woman: Susan Anderson.
Prosecutor: And what effect did the Tekken games have on your son, Mrs. Anderson?
Woman: Recently, I received a call from his school telling me that he punched another child, I don't know where he could have gotten the idea to do that except from those games.
Prosecutor: So your son played those games regularly?
Woman: ...no...I thought they looked too violent for him to buy...
Woman: ...but...he saw a commercial!
Prosecutor: Yes! Yes, that's right! They have commercials! And did any of those commercials at any time show characters punching each other?
Prosecutor: No further questions.
Kazuya: ...wait...what the hell just happened?
Prosecutor: Next witness.
(a man steps up to the witness stand)
Prosecutor: Your name?
Man: Billy Bob Johnson.
Prosecutor: Am I correct in understanding that the Tekken games have offended your religious beliefs, Mr. Johnson?
Man: That's correct, it's on account'a they ain't respectin' my heterosexuality, damn heterophobes.
Prosecutor: And what has led you to believe this?
Man: It's that damned homosexual they always got flauntin' aroun', Leen Cholan or whatever.
Lee: What the fu-?
(Jun glares at Lee)
Prosecutor: Thank you, that will be all. For my next witness, I'd like to call a Hwo.....H....Hoa....Bob. I'd like to call up Bob.
(Hwoarang enters the courtroom)
Hwoarang: Hey, everybody, it's your favorite witness homeboy!
Prosecutor: Mr....Bob, would you please take the stand?
Hwoarang: No thanks, man, it's too heavy, but I'll do one better and take your wife! Huh huh!
(five minutes later, after Hwoarang has finally been seated)
Prosecutor: So you are a regular character in the Tekken series?
Hwoarang: Regular? I'm only one of the most popular dudes there!
Prosecutor: Yes...and would you say you're a good role model for kids?
Hwoarang: Oh totally, y'see I'm a lot like Keanu Reeves. Because we've both done Speed!
Hwoarang: ...of course, he did a movie called Speed, while I've done Speed the drug...
Prosecutor: That will be all.
Hwoarang: Okay, that's coo'. Hey, Mistah K', I'll catch ya at your crib!
Kazuya: ... (looks away, pretending he's not the one Hwoarang's speaking to)
Prosecutor: I'd like to call my next witness.
(a man steps up to the witness stand)
Prosecutor: What is your name, Sir?
Man: Dr. Richard Bartley.
Prosecutor: And tell us, Dr. Bartley, what have you found about children's social skills when playing Tekken?
Man: They have essentially none, children who frequently play the game seem to become very anti-social and introverted, rarely speaking, in fact this seems to be a trend with Japanese video games as well as anime, many of which are overrun with leads showing similar traits.
Prosecutor: So you're saying the Japanese market actually encourages this sort of behavior with it's stoic, quiet, 'too cool to speak' characters?
Jin: (I'd say something, but I don't feel like talking, so I'll just glare)
Prosecutor: Next witness.
(Pac-Man steps up to the stand)
Prosecutor: And would you identify yourself?
Pac-Man: Wakka Wakka!
Prosecutor: And you've been a mascot for Namco for how many years?
Pac-Man: Wakka Wakka! (eats prosecutor)
Judge: ...the prosecution rests. The trial shall be on temperory recess for the rest of the day. (bangs gavel like judges like to do after making announcements of stuff. I wish I had a gavel I could just bang whenever I said anything, it'd make everything I say sound important, I could sentence someone to eat shit, or say that I find someone guilty of being an asshole, or...let's get back to the story...)
Announcer: Is this the end of one of Namco's most beloved series? Has the tyrannical first amendment finally met it's match? Find out next time, in Trial by Terror, Part 4!
(End of Chapter 19)
Just one more chapter, and this whole affair will be behind us, I promise.
I couldn't help but notice how few sitcoms there are these days, especially in comparison to reality tv, something every channel, even ones like TV Land or Nick at Night, networks devoted to showing old sitcoms, are doing. Personally, I think if this continues(and it will, as it's been getting worse and worse for years), television will enter an irreversible state of decay. I think it comes down to one question:
Do you really think 50 years from now, people will be watching old reruns of Survivor?