Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ The Devil's Attourney ( Chapter 20 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]

(Kazuya and Jun are in the living room)
Kazuya: (reading newspaper) What the hell? This is bullshit!
Jun: What is it, Kazuya?
(Jun reads the page Kazuya has turned to)
Jun: "Insane attorney breaks out of institute, slaughtering 6 staff members?" That's terrible!
Kazuya: No, not that, you fruitcup! I meant this! "23 year-old killer who was caught after consuming the remains of roughly 47 victims claims he was simply trying to obtain their powers after playing Kirby's Dreamland, victim's families holding Nintendo liable!" This is gettin' too damned far outta hand!
(door knocks)
Kazuya: Let me guess, it's either some VD-ridden bum, or another rambling idiot.
(Kazuya opens the door, revealing Lee)
Kazuya: What a suprise, both.
Lee: Hey Kazuya, can I borrow an HMOdoo?
Kazuya: What's an HMOdoo?
Lee: You tell me.
(audience laughs)
Kazuya: ...what the hell do you want?
Lee: It's about the trial, I heard the prosecution has gotten a replacement attourney, apparantly a real hardass on the industry.
Kazuya: Let me guess, another overexciteable mother who finds sexual undertones in 1950s sitcoms?
Lee: Heh, you've obviously never heard of the Dick Van Dyke show!
(audience cheers)
Lee: Seriously though, that's what I thought at first, but this guy makes an overexciteable mother who finds sexual undertones in 1950s sitcoms look like a doped up pothead who majored in pottery during highschool before dropping out!
Kazuya: Damn. That's one hell of a tightass.
Lee: Yeah. By the way, the reason I came by is I won't be able to make it to the trial, I read my horoscope today, and it's probably better if I stayed in.
Kazuya: Horoscope? You shouldn't believe that crap, what the hell could it have said anyway to freak you out, "you will find a job"?
Lee: Worse. "Today you will meet the love of you life."
Kazuya: So what?
Lee: 'So what'? Don't you see what it means? I'm going to meet my future wife! I'm gonna get married! With kids and a full-time job, and no more availability to the open market!
Kazuya: ...I admit the thought of marriage is something most chilling, but if you really think that's going to happen, should you even be out here?
Lee: Oh shit.
(Lee runs away)
Kazuya: ...from now on, I think I'll just shoot on sight.
(at the courthouse)
Judge: We shall now resume the case with the defense. However, it must be first noted that due to unforeseen circumstances...
Pac-Man: (in manacles & a Hannibal mask) Wakka Wakka!
Judge: ...it became necessary for a replacement prosecutor to be found, which we have been fortunate enough to come upon in such a short time...actually, the man broke into my house last night in order to request the position...
(prosecutor enters courtroom)
J. Thompson: (smiles evily) Kiss the game industry good-bye.
(audience boos)
J. Thompson: Typical of you gamers, wanting to treat me as if I were some punching bag prostitute in Grand Theft Auto. (calmly takes off restraint jacket)
Judge: It should be further noted, that as a result of the sudden and unexplained absence of the defense attorney...
Kazuya: Heh heh...imagine that...
Judge: ...a replacement defense lawyer must be found, and if none can be-
Kazuya: I'LL take the position!
Everyone: GASP!
Jun: Kazuya, you aren't-
Kazuya: (waves fist at Jun) You shut it!
Judge: Well I see no reason you're any less qualified an attorney than the prosecution.
J. Thompson: (offended) Get a name and a life.
Judge: My name is Judge Finkelstein. Now talk to me like that again, and I'll charge you with disorderly conduct in a court of law.
J. Thompson: I don't have time for your "charges." Go finkelstein yourself.
Judge: Mr. Thompson, I will not stand for this kind of behavior! I may be just one man, but in this courtroom, I am the man!
J. Thompson: You're right. You're an audience of one. If you do the math, Einstein, you can see I am wasting my time bothering with a close-minded nerd. Bug off. Last warning.
Judge: Einstein was a physicist.
J. Thompson: I was on ABC Network News Tonight. You figure it out.
Judge: ...would the defense like to call a witness?
Kazuya: A witness? Oh, uh...huh...(looks around courtroom)...uh...how about the pothead?
Hwoarang: Awright, Mistah Kay! (runs up to the witness stand) I'm ready ta go, coach!
Kazuya: ...yeah...okay then...
(Kazuya walks up to witness stand)
Kazuya: So tell us, Mr...I don't give a damn what your name is, actually, but isn't it true you and your friends have been involved in a number of street fights?
Hwoarang: If I could count, I'd have to agree!
Kazuya: I see...because of video games, I assume?
Hwoarang: Video games? No way, man, that stuff's for losers! Me an' my posse been hangin' it ever since we got into mastah Baek's stash!
Baek: (defensively) It was a prescription!
(Flashback of Hwoarang and his friends as kids)
Hwoarang: I'm not trying it, you try it!
Bob: No, you try it!
Hwoarang: Hey, let's get Mikey to try it, he hates everything!
Bob: He likes it! Hey Mikey!
Kazuya: ...that'll do.
(J. Thompson walks up to witness stand)
J. Thompson: Tell me, Mr. Hwoare...
Hwoarang: Yo, that's Hwoarang!
J. Thompson: Whatever you say, sweetie.
Hwoarang: Hey, don't be knockin', I got my rights!
J. Thompson: Kids don't have liberties. Do your research.
Hwoarang: That's just cold, dog!
J. Thompson: I don't have time for jerks. You're one.
(J. Thompson sits down)
Hwoarang: ...
(Hwoarang walks away confused)
Kazuya: I'd now like to call Ganryu to the stand.
(Ganryu sits down at the witness stand)
Kazuya: Thank you for joining us, as I know you've been very busy lately.
Ganryu: Don't be condescending to me.
Kazuya: (sniffs) ...what the hell's with your breath?
Ganryu: ...I got hungry while waiting during the trial.
Kazuya: No surprise.
Ganryu: ...and you know those little things in the bathroom, located in the urinals?
Kazuya: Urinal cakes?
Ganryu: Yes, that's right. I can tell you this, contrary to their name, they don't taste like cake.
Kazuya: ...I shouldn't have asked.
Ganryu: I only wish I'd learned my lesson after the first time...
Kazuya: Tell me, Mr...
Ganryu: Ganryu.
Kazuya: ...okay...Mr. Ganryu, would it be fair to say that you've...got a bit of a weight problem?
Ganryu: Yes.
Kazuya: And tell me, how much weight have you lost since joining the Tekken cast?
Ganryu: 42.
Kazuya: That's wonderful, 42 pounds, most impress-
Ganryu: Ounces.
Kazuya: Ah. 42 ounces.
Ganryu: That's right.
Kazuya: ...still. Not bad . Thank you, Mr. Ganryu, that will be all.
(J. Thompson walks up to witness stand)
J. Thompson: Mr. Ganryu, you mean to tell me that Tekken, a game where people sit on their asses is actually good exercise?
Ganryu: No, not indirectly, but it has motivated many children who play the games to take classes in martial arts as an extracurricular activity.
J. Thompson: So?
Ganryu: I think it's very important that children get more exercise these days, for example, over 50 percent of the population of the U.S. suffers from obesity, which is leading to some staggering problems.
J. Thompson: One of you gamers made that up. You all make a great deal up these days. Stop bothering me with lies.
(J. Thompson sits down)
Announcer: Coverage on this case will continue after this important announcement from our sponsors.
(Dr. Abel is lying in a hospital bed)
Dr. Abel: I worked for over thirty years in nuclear technology, striving to move the nuclear weapons division onward to the future, but as a result of my long-term research involving nuclear material, I contracted a deadly and completely uncureable form of cancer. Now I can't even move. I can barely even breathe, and the doctor says he's amazed I've lasted this many days. But I have some good news. I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico.
Announcer: Geico, a 15 minute call could save you 15 dollars or less on car insurance.
(in the courtroom)
Kazuya: For my next witness, I'd like to call Craig Mar... (pulls out a Tekken 4 manual) ...Marduk?
Craig: (nods)
Kazuya: ...are you sure?
Craig: Yes.
Kazuya: (checks the manual again) ...are you sure?
Craig: (nods)
Kazuya: (looks at the manual once more) ...I think you're wrong.
Craig: No, it's Marduk.
Kazuya: ...okay. Marduk.
(Craig sits down at the witness stand)
Kazuya: So, tell me...being a character in a video game supposedly advocating violence, not to mention being in one of the more aggressive roles...I suppose by 'their' logic, that must make you a fairly violent person.
Craig: No, I'm a very peaceful man, I never resort to fighting when it's unnecessary.
Kazuya: Yes, that's right. And I understand that's caused you quite a bit of grief, am I correct?
Craig: Yeah, it's...it's all on account of that damned Jeff Slater...
(Craig is in a men's restroom, using one of the urinals)
Voice: Craig Marduk?
Craig: (still going) Huh?
(Jeff Slater struts in)
Jeff Slater: It is you! I used to watch your fights all the time!
Craig: Who the hell are you?
Jeff Slater: I'm Jeff Slater. The current Vale Tudo champion. (tries to shake Craig's hand)
Craig: (still going) ...
Jeff Slater: ...
Craig: ... (looks down at Jeff Slater's hand to see if it's still there)
Jeff Slater's hand: (Still there)
Craig: ...
Jeff Slater: Hey, has the champ forgotten how to shake hands? (tries to shake hands with Craig, who's still going)
Craig: Wha...what the hell are you doing? Get the hell away from me!
Jeff Slater: What's the matter? 'fraid to shake hands with the badass reigning champ?
Craig: Not when I'm going, you sick freak! (zips up and quickly leaves restroom)
Jeff Slater: Oh, running away, huh? This ain't finished yet, Marduk!
Kazuya: ...but it didn't end there, did it?
Craig: No...
(Craig is relaxing at home when a knock at the door is heard)
Repairman: Is there a Craig Marduk here?
(Craig opens the door)
Craig: I didn't call a repair... (notices who the repairman is)
Jeff Slater: I came on my own, I figured you might want someone to repair your nuts, since your's are apparently out of order!
Craig: What the hell are you doing here, go away!
Jeff Slater: You want me to run away, huh? What's the matter? 'fraid to see 'Legendary Fighter K.O.ed' in the headlines?
(Craig slams door shut)
Kazuya: ...and yet, still, the harrassment went on?
Craig: Y...yeah...
(Craig is at a restaurant with a woman)
Craig: I have to tell you, I'm not used to blind dates, so this is a little awkward...
Woman: Don't worry, handsome, I won't bite...
(Woman pulls off wig)
Jeff Slater: ...since I know you'd probably just scream like a girl if I did!
Craig: What the f-
Jeff Slater: Worrying about romantic crap with a bunch of airheads when you could be duking it out with yours truly? Hey, has the champ forgotten how to fight?
(Craig stands up, raising his fist in anger)
Jeff Slater: Guess not, at least not when it comes to women!
Craig: ...LEAVE ME ALONE! (runs out of restaurant)
Kazuya: ...I see. Thank you.
(Kazuya turns to the jury)
Kazuya: Now does this seem like the sort of man who would be a bad role model for children? A violent, uncontrollable monster, as he has been portrayed?
Juror #5: Nah, he just seems like some wimp who's 'fraid to get K.O.ed by a real champ!
Judge: I would suggest you sit down and do not speak out of turn.
Jeff Slater: Fine by me! 'Cause it's not over yet, Marduk! I'm still the badass reigning champ!
Kazuya: ...your witness.
(J. Thompson walks up to witness stand)
J. Thompson: Mr. Merduck, isn't it true that your 'non-violent career' involves several years in the national Vale Tudo championship?
Craig: Yes, but if you'll just give me a minute to explain the...
J. Thompson: Uh,no. I don't have time for twits.
Craig: (angrily) I'll break your face!
J. Thompson: People are threatening to kill me! (runs away screaming)
Kazuya: ...what the hell?
Judge: Court is in recess until the prosecution can be recovered. (bangs gavel)
(End of Chapter 20)
Yeah, I promised one more chapter, but I started getting carried away, and due to laziness, decided to break it up into 2 chapters so I could work on the rest later.
How many Boskonovitch jokes have I made so far exactly? I mean a running gag is one thing, but considering I already do this for another story, Private Fury (PLUG), it's become more of a trend for my writing style. That, and sucking.
Yeah, the last chapter's title is 'Have You Tried Reading This Story While High'. No, really, go ahead. Light up a doobie. You might actually laugh while reading it.
...the title's from Father Knows Best, in case you're wondering. Never seen it personally.
You know what the really sad thing about 'Jake' Thompson is? All the lines that Thompson said that aren't Tekken related were actual quotes made by good old Jack.