Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ *READING THIS STORY HAS BEEN LINKED TO CANCER* ( Chapter 25 )
[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Lee: (CONTINUED FROM LAST CHAPTER) -I have to go to the bathroom.
(Lee leaves to use the bathroom)
Kazuya: ...that was pretty uneventful.
Jun: Kazuya, where would you even perform?
Kazuya: Anywhere a smile's yet to be raised, anywhere the stench of injustice can be found, and anywhere those damn stinkin' hippies with all their PC crap try to screw up the system and disrupt the status quo in order to make us all a bunch of stinkin' commie bast-
Jun: But who would let you perform at their club, Kazzy? You don't have any experience working with a crowd, or...talent.
Kazuya: ...'talent' is a relative term. Just look at most celebrities these days. Most of them are just famous because of who they're related to, or because they appeared in some crappy reality show. Besides, I can just pay the club owner so we can perform at their place.
Jun: Aren't they supposed to pay you for performing?
Kazuya: You've gotta spend money to make money, Jun, you see it's...well...it's complicated, too complicated for your small mind to understand.
Jun: Do you understand?
Kazuya: ...of course I do. (abruptly leaves after a moment of silence)
(Later that day)
Lee: (reading a newspaper) What about this place, Kazuya?
Kazuya: (checks the ad) The Laff Factory? If a place isn't even good enough to spell correctly, I sure as hell ain't going to grace it with my presence. Before they try to make people laugh, they should figure out what the word even looks like in writing.
Lee: I think they just did that on purpose. You know, to be funny.
Kazuya: By that logic, I could be entertained by our failing public schools.
Lee: Never mind... (goes back to reading) ...hey, the A-Team's coming to town!
Kazuya: (reads the article he's looking at) That's The A-Teens.
Lee: Ah, gay!
Kazuya: (sees another ad) Here's one that looks interesting...
Kazuya: The Laugh Factory!
Lee: Isn't that the exact same name as the last one we just looked at?
Kazuya: What are you, stupid? They spelled 'laugh' differently. Besides, look at that name! Laugh Factory! Hah hah, it's like a factory where they manufacture laughs! Now THAT'S witty! Not like your stupid Laff Factory!
(Lee lowers his head in shame)
Kazuya: Then it's decided, I'll call the manager right away, and tomorrow night, the world will be introduced to a star!
Kazuya: ...oh. And you.
(the next night, at The Laugh Factory, not The Laff Factory)
Kazuya: Okay, we're up next. Did you work on your performance last night like I told you?
Lee: I did the best I could under the circumstances.
Kazuya: The circumstances being...?
Lee: ...the circumstances being that I'm lazy.
(Kazuya slaps Lee)
Kazuya: This is my big chance, and if things go well I can look foward to a life without that stupid wife and son of mine, instead reveling in all the silicone beauties one could imagine, so don't blow this for...
Lee: What's wrong?
Kazuya: Aw, crap! It's my half-cousin, Jazzuya Mishima! Quick, look away!
(Kazuya and Lee turn towards the wall, as a man who looks like Kazuya in an Elvis costume carrying a saxophone passes by)
Kazuya: I swear that's the worst character design I've ever seen.
Lee: That's not true, remember Bass from Dead or Alive?
Kazuya: Besides him.
Lee: What about Zack from Dead or Alive?
Kazuya: Not...look, I meant in the Tekken series. You know those games would take forever to go through.
Lee: You mean like with Teng-
Kazuya: Enough of that shit!
Kazuya: (comes out followed by Lee) Good evening, ladies and gentilemen!
Kazuya: Hey Lee, what do you get when you cross a liberal and Fidel Castro?
Lee: I don't know, what?
Kazuya: 2 liberals!
Lee: Hah hah, it's all the same to me!
Kazuya: What's the difference between a liberal and a commie?
Lee: I don't know.
Kazuya: Neither do I!
Kazuya: I got a Baseball riddle for you, Lee.
Lee: Oh boy, I love Baseball!
Kazuya: Who doesn't, after all, it's a fine, all-American sport. Not like that fruity commie sport Soccer. And I mean REAL Baseball, played by Americans, not that freaky Jap league!
Lee: So what's the riddle?
Kazuya: 3 bleeding-heart liberals are on base. The bleeding-heart liberal 'Who' is on first, giving spare change to some bum, encouraging him to beg for money from decent Americans such as ourselves.
Lee: Gasp! That commie!
Kazuya: The bleeding-heart liberal 'What' is on second, waving to a man out in the stands who he's about to have a homosexual marriage with.
Kazuya: Ew is right, friend. The bleeding-heart liberal 'Where' is on third, protesting against a just and noble war, because as we all know, the only reason a fellow American protests a war is because they're secretly on the enemy's side.
Lee: Wow, undermining our troops, that's pretty unpatriotic!
Kazuya: There's nothing moreso, Lee.
Lee: So what's the question?
Kazuya: ...question? Oh, uh...I actually don't remember how it goes, but it turns out all 3 end up moving to Communist Russia.
Lee: Love it or leave it!
Kazuya: Knock knock!
Lee: Who's there?
Kazuya: No one, because the liberals have raised the minimum wage, driving many companies out of business, causing the economy to collapse, and putting everyone out on the street, thus preventing one from knocking on the front door of a fine, American home.
Lee: I guess the liberals got their wish of turning this great nation into a commie country!
Kazuya: Hey Lee, did you hear about that negro athlete O.J.?
Lee: Yeah, it's hard to believe a guy like that would be innocent!
Kazuya: I know what you mean, just look at that car chase, I can't recall the last time I saw a colored fella in such hurry!
(Audience becomes outraged)
Audience member 1: You suck!
Audience member 2: You're a racist!
Audience member 3: Put the boxing kangaroo back on!
Audience member 4: I have to make bathroom!
Audience member 5: (to Audience member 4) Not here, Grandpa Wang, they have toilets for that!
(back at the Mishima household)
Kazuya: (stumbles inside, in a beaten, bloody mess) That's what I expected of a bunch'a elitists who freak out over the spelling of Laugh...should've performed at The Laff Factory...
(Kazuya gets some ointment for his numerous bruises)
Instructions: (Apply liberally as needed)
(Kazuya applies CONSERVATIVELY)
Kazuya: This stuff doesn't seem to be working... (looks around to see no one's watching)
(Kazuya applies liberally. Just this once. Though if anyone asks, it was never)
Lee: Hey, Kazuya!
Kazuya: Don't you get all "Hey, Kazuya" to me!
Lee: Then who should I say that to? You're the only Kazuya I know.
Kazuya: You completely screwed up our performance! You were supposed to say "it's hard to believe that guy was found innocent, in reference to the trial! Then I'd bring up the fact that he seemed busier than black people typically are, then everyone laughs! But you had to screw it up by saying "it's hard to believe a guy like that would be innocent," making it sound like he was proven to be innocent, so the punch line seems like a cheap, racist shot at black people!
Lee: Well...it kind of was.
Kazuya: Then why the hell didn't you say something when we were writing the material?
Lee: Actually, you did all the writing, and I didn't want to bring it up because then I'd actually have to help.
Kazuya: ...son of a bitch...
Lee: I guess Mikhail Richards was right, stand-up comedy is hard.
Kazuya: That's it, then. My career in the entertainment industry is finished...
Lee: What? You can't give up now, Kazuya. One little racist generalization against an entire people isn't any reason to give up. What about that guy from Non-lethal Weapon? Or that guy from Gay Anatomy? Or that guy from Seinstein? They made offensive remarks about jews, gays, and blacks, but that didn't stop them. They just went around meeting with the community they attacked, pretending to be all caring and sincere. And you can always claim to have a drinking problem, that's worked a lot in recent months, even for pedophiles.
Kazuya: ...nah, it ain't worth it. I don't want to pretend I like people. Besides, I guess those morons just aren't clever enough to get my witty brand of humor. And I think I learned a lesson from all this, I was trying to be something I'm not. I'm meant to cause suffering for others, not make them feel better.
Lee: Are you sure that's a lesson?
Kazuya: It is because I say so. As long as I start thinking only about myself for a change-
Lee: For a change?
Kazuya: Shut up. The point is that I have to be myself, and accept what I have. Because I've got it pretty good.
(Jin comes in)
Jin: Dad, I've got some great news! You're looking at Mishima High's first ever male cheerleader!
Jin: Dad, I've got some great news! You're looking at Mishima High's first ever male cheerleader!
Kazuya: What? (turns toward the sky) NOOOOOOOO!!!
(End of Chapter 25)
I've finally updated in...however long it's been since I last updated. I've been busy. The only reason I worked to get this chapter finished is because I felt compelled to update for those who've taken the time to review. So for those of you reading with no intention of reviewing, it does make a difference. At least with me. I'm incredibly neurotic.
I'm not sure if I'll even be getting started on the next chapter any time soon, with classes, and my minimum-wage job, and of course the endless death threats I have to send to various government officials.
I was a little reluctant to even include the O.J. joke. Admittedly, that's nothing compared to some of the racist shit trying to pass itself off as comedy that I've heard, and this is satire. But whenever someone does satire about racism, there's always someone who gets outraged, accusing the writer of being a racist. Because those people mentally advanced enough to even understand something as complicated as satire or even sarcasm.
I hope people are still enjoying this story, I think it's actually been over two years since I started writing it in my free time. I don't know what to make of that. I mean it's better than writing porn or something.
...I mean, this is better than porn, right?