Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ This Chapter is New ( Chapter 26 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
(Continued from the last Chapter)

Kazuya: And that's why I want to get a divorce.

Jun: You want to get a divorce?

Kazuya: Of course I do, we were talking about this last chapter!

Jin: No we weren't, I was telling you I became a cheerleader!

Kazuya: Oh, yeah.

(Kazuya begins to eat a sandwich)

Kazuya: -A CHEERLEADER?! I didn't raise some damn wussy cheerleader!

Jin: That's because you never raised me, even when you came back you never spent any time with me!

Kazuya: I never want to spend time with you because you're a cheerleader!

Jun: Boys, you shouldn't fight, you're family!

Kazuya: Only until the DNA results come back...

Jun: What was that?

Kazuya: I said "Men Without Hats should make a comeback."

Jun: I think so too, Kazuya.

Kazuya: God, you're an idiot.

Jun: What'd you say?

Jin: He said you're an idiot.

Jun: Oh. I think the first Die Hard is the best one too.


Kazuya (watching football on tv): Finally, a chance to relax-

Television: We interrupt this current broadcast to bring you a special announcement from the president of the United States.

Kazuya: SON OF A BITCH! (turns channel)

Reporter: History is being made here today as the first ever mission to send a world champion fighter into space is launched.

(camera cuts to the solo astronaut)

Reporter: Could you tell us about what you hope to achieve with this mission?

Paul Phoenix: I've already proven I'm the strongest person in the world, so the obvious next step is to go into space to prove I'm the toughest fighter in the universe! I'll show those damn aliens not to mess with Earth, home of the greatest fighter in the universe!

Kazuya: Stupid son of a...!

(Kazuya turns back to football)

President: My leadership has ensured this nation's continued success from the threat of boxing kangaroos, dinosaurs, and other assorted bare-fisted fighting animals-

Kazuya: DONE. (turns channel)

Host: With me today is a representive of an organization fighting to raise awareness of furry intolerance, Alberto Gon-

King: Please, call me by my animal name.

Host: Very well, King, you're a member of Furries Against Genocide, which...wait, is that right?

King: Yes, that's it.

Host: ...really? It...sounds a little odd when abbreviated...

King: What's wrong with...oh...well, uh, as a member of Furries Against PREJUDICE...

Host: ...Furries Against Prejudice works to spread the mesage of furries, but for those who are unfamiliar with the term, what is a furry exactly?

King: A furry is an enlightened one, who has transcended beyonds words such as man or animal, by dissolving the barriers between them.

Host: So, you often enjoy dressing up as animals?

King: Yes, in order to feel like one, as we believe that we were born in the wrong bodies, like a man wishing to be a woman...

Host: So you're like trannies, then.

King: No, not like trannies!

Host: I just thought...

King: This is exactly the sort of mentality that makes me sick, the fursecution our kind is subjected to!

Host: Fursecution?

King: Pursecution against furries! We furries are like the blacks before the 1960s, fursecuted based on what we inherantly are, and we must stand up and fight for our equality!

Host: ...so what about the allegations of beastiality that is associated with furries?

King: THAT is a small minority that happens to be attracted to-

Host: ...

King: A large minority that...look, what's wrong with finding women, or men, to be more attractive with fur? Or a snout?

(Kazuya has already turned the channel a long time ago)

President: Maybe I have been torturing random citizens, to which I am by no means admitting, but as a result, have we experienced any attacks by dancing bears?

Kazuya: He's got a point there...

President: And now for a message from our sponsors!

Narrator: Coming this Fall...he was a man tired of being the best and finding no challenges wherever he turned...

Kazuya: Ah, no...

Paul: (tightens fists) I like to keep these for close encounters.

Narrator: Starring undefeated champion of the world, Paul Phoenix.

Paul (facing off against an alien) : You're on an express elevator to Hell, goin' down!

Narrator: With Buck Johnson as Marshall Law.

'Marshall Law': Ahhhh, me so sorry, Mistah Paul!

Paul: Marshall, you idiot, this is no time for your constant screw-ups!

(an alien is hitting on a spacebabe in an intergalactic bar)

Paul: Get away from her, you bitch!

(Paul and 'Law' are surrounded by aliens)

'Marshall Law': That's it, man. Game over, man! Game over!

Tekken 2 Announcer: CONTINUE?

Narrator: In space, no one can hear you kick ass.

Kazuya: ...now that looks like shit.

(Kazuya turns the channel)

Television: This is an anti-smoking ad produced by the tobacco industry but really paid for by taxpayers.

Smoking Man: Damn, that is really good. I love smoking, the relaxing sensation, the rich flavor, the acceptance by people as a cool individual. Would you like to try some?

Teen: Are you kidding? I'd have to be crazy to try smoking, before I'm an adult.

Smoking Man: This isn't about that totally untrue myth that smoking causes cancer, which all reliable science shows is unfounded, is it?

Teen: Of course not, all research the tobacco industry has funded found the exact opposite results. I just don't smoke because IT'S THE LAW!

Smoking Man: I guess you'll have to wait then.

Television: TOBACCO IS WHACKO (if you're a teen)

Kazuya: Huh. I like that, it sends a good message to kids.

Television: And now back to The Tekken People's court.

Announcer: The plaintiff, Paul Phoenix, is suing his former friend for $6,000 in damages to his motorcycle. The defendant, Marshall Law, is countersuing, saying that his likeness was used in an upcoming film produced by the plaintiff without his consent.

Kazuya: ...I think I've watched enough television for today. Let's just end this chapter while we've still got some dignity.

(The End of Chapter 26)

I updated again. And it's only been about...half a year. Huh. Okay, I admit I might have taken my time. I've been busy. I'll get the next chapter up sooner.

I'd like to apologize with the furry segment...by expressing my strongest apologies to King fans for his portrayal in this chapter. If someone did this to me, even a parody, I'd probably sue. Fortunately, King doesn't exist. So I'm free of that.