Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Kazuya Knows Best ❯ This Chapter is Old ( Chapter 27 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
(Kazuya is reading the newspaper when the doorbell rings)

Kazuya: Jun! Get the door!

Jin: (comes in) Dad...Mom's been dead for twenty years.

Kazuya: What? How?

Jin: She was killed by Ogre, remember?

Kazuya: Wha...this...this is unbelievable...

Jin: I...I know, Dad...I still think about her too, but it's important that we don't give up on life-

Kazuya: YES!!! I'M FINALLY FREE!!!

(Kazuya jumps out of his chair)

Kazuya: I'M A SINGLE MAN AGAIN!!! I CAN HAVE SEX WITH AS MANY WOMEN I WANT!!! AND NO MORE ENDLESS NAGGING AND STUPID STORIES ABOUT HOW SHE SPENT THE DAY SEWING DOILEYS FOR SOME STUPID CHARITY FOR INDEPENDANT ANIMAL ACTIVIST RIGHTS!!!

(doorbell rings again)

Kazuya: I wonder who that could be? I'd better get it!

(Kazuya opens the front door)

Nina: Hi, Kazuya, did you get hotter?

Kazuya: As a matter of fact I did, ladies, plus my wife just died.

Anna: I think this calls for a celebration.

(Kazuya, Anna, and Nina begin to prepare for something not capable of being described in a fic with this rating)

Jin: Dad?

Kazuya: Go to your room, Jim...

Jin: Dad!

Kazuya: Alright, you can watch, if you promise to only look at the women...

Jin: Dad, wake up!

Kazuya: Huh? What did he say?

Jin: Wake up, Dad!

Kazuya: No! NO!!

(Kazuya wakes up)

Kazuya: Huh...wha...where am I?

Jin: ...home?

Kazuya: And the wife? Is she dead yet?

Jun: Kazzy, the doorbell's ringing, can you get it?

Kazuya: No.....NOOOOOOO!!!

Jun: (comes in) Okay, I'll get it then.

Kazuya: (grabs Jin) Why the hell did you wake me, boy? I should kill you! (tries to kill Jin)

(Jun opens the door)

Jin: Oh, hello! Aren't you...?

Bruce Irvin: I'm your worst nightmare.

Kazuya: (still choking Jin) No, I just woke up to mine.

Jin: ...can't breathe...

Bruce: Kazuya, it's been a long time.

Kazuya: (still clutching an unconcious Jin) Right, right. Bruce. I, uh, haven't seen you since...

Bruce: Since you fired me.

Kazuya: Now hold on a second, you weren't fired, you were 'laid off'.

Bruce: What's the difference?

Kazuya: ...uh, I guess that when you're laid off, it's not your fault.

Bruce: ...huh. Well, this is certainly a nice neighborhood you have here. I think I'm going to like it...

Kazuya: Yeah, I guess it's...going to like it? What...what does that mean?

Bruce: I just want to be sure I'm moving into a nice part of town.

Kazuya: Ho...hold on a second...you're moving in here?

Bruce: That's right. Right next door.

Kazuya: You know, uh, the places here are kind of expensive...

Bruce: What, you don't think a black man can afford it?

Kazuya: No, no, no...it's not that...it's just that...I didn't think you people...

Bruce: ...

Kazuya: ...and by you people, I mean you...'kickboxers' could afford it.

Bruce: Oh, I can afford it. Maybe even better than you can.

Kazuya: Heh, well I doubt that...

Bruce: ...

Kazuya: Though I understand that you people...are doing very well for yourselves these days...kickboxers, I mean...

Bruce: Right...

Kazuya: So, uh...I guess it's not really official that you're going to be moving in yet, huh? So, you might want to take into consideration the fact that there's a rapist running around the area implanting victims with his alien seed...

Jun: There is? Kazuya, you never told me about that!

Kazuya: (looks at Jun) .....yeah well, if the house was on fire and you were asleep, I wouldn't tell you then either.

Bruce: ...an...alien rapist...

Kazuya: Human. Just with an alien seed. Like in that movie. The facerapers, or whatever.

Bruce: Right. I'll keep that in mind. In my new home. Next door. To you. (leaves)

Jin: Dad...why don't you want 'those people' moving in?

Kazuya: Are you that stupid? Do you really have to ask why I don't want them moving into the area?

Jun: I admit their career is overly violent, Kazzy, but kickboxers are people too.

Kazuya: SHUT UP, Jun!

Jin: He doesn't have a problem with kickboxers, Mom. At least not white ones.

Kazuya: Oh, don't use the race card with me, boy! That has nothing to do with this!

Jin: 'This' being that you don't want black people moving into the neighborhood?

Kazuya: EXACTL...damn it, this is nothing personal, it's just that like most entitled Americans, I don't have anything wrong with black people because of the color of their skin-

Jin: These days.

Kazuya: Shut your mouth, boy. We've nothing wrong with black men because of their physical differences, it's just how they act that...frightens us.

Jin: Dad, don't tell me you believe all those stereotypes portraying black people as nothing but brainless criminals and thugs!

Kazuya: Stereotypes? Is that what a rapper like 40 Cent is, just an ignorant stereotype?

Jin: Yes.

Kazuya: Oh. Well, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what you think, it doesn't matter what I think, and it sure as hell doesn't matter what (points at Jun) thinks. Whether you like it or not, black people come with 'certain stigmas' attached to them, and regardless of their personal character, when a black man moves into a neighborhood, he immediately brings down the value of the surrounding homes.

Jin: But that's just blatant racism!

Kazuya: Maybe it is. And as an entitled American male, I don't like it. Not one bit. My god, if only someone could bring an end to this vile, accursed racism! To think a black man in this day and age can't even move into a good neighborhood without facing prejudice! And just because of the color of his skin, no less! This is unjust! Believe me, if they would, I'd take part in their million man march to bring an end to this indignity! But I'm not going to let the resale value of my home be dragged down with the black man's reputation. He's on his own at that point.

Jin: ...wow. You're a regular civil rights leader.

Kazuya: I wouldn't go that far, but yes, your father's an equal opportunist.

Jin: You're a real opportunist, alright.

Kazuya: That's right.

(meanwhile, at The Mishima Estate for the Removal of Retired Persons)

Heihachi: (still in a nursing home) ...I don't belong here.

Wang: Me neither.

Heihachi: So your ingrate kids said you were too senile to take care of yourself and shoved you in this prison too?

Wang: Huh, what? No, I should be back in the year 3014 right now, I just don't know how to fix that damned time machine Xiayou built.

Heihachi: ...at least I don't belong here.

Sexy Nurse Gon: (enters) Hiiii honey, it's sponge bath time! ^_^

Heihachi: Ugh, I hate sponge bath time...

Sexy Nurse Gon: Ahhhhh, why you gotta be like that? :(

Heihachi: (shaking fists into the air) KAZUYAAAA!!!!!!

(at the Mishima/Kazama home)

Kazuya: Huh. I just felt a disturbance in the force.

Jin: What?

Jun: (comes in) I just heard some great news, that nice man Mr. Irvin has started a local youth center for kids in the area!

Kazuya: Bruce Irvin? Convicted killer, Bruce Irvin? The man I had assassinate J.R.?

Jun: Kazuya, you're so quick to judge based on appearances, he's very good with kids! Remember his Tekken 2 and 5 endings?

(at the new youth center)

Bruce: (talking to a bunch of kids) And remember, never give up, no matter how bleak a match looks! There's always a chance the other guy might get winded enough for you to land a lucky blow!

11 year-old kid: What about dirty tricks?

Bruce: Dirty stuff is always good, as long as you don't get caught! Spit in his eyes, hide blunt objects in your boxing gloves, drug the water bottle he uses between rounds, just be creative!

8 year-old kid: How about hiring a hoooker to wear out your opponent before a match?

Bruce: Good idea, it's a classic that coaches use all the time! But make sure not to get a hooker so expensive that the time she puts into it ends up costing you more than the fight is worth!

(at home)

Kazuya: ...yeah, that can't be good.

(later)

(Kazuya is watching television)

Television: In this episode of Divorce Court, the defendant, Roger, is being sued by his ex-wife, Roger Wife, for unpaid child support.

Roger: Your honor, I can't be expected to pay that blood-sucking wench money when I can't even find a job!

Roger Wife: Maybe if you actually tried to get one, you could! Your precious son who you've neglected had been looking for you for months, he even entered an international martial arts tournament to find you, and when he finally did, you were just sitting on your tail watching television like the useless bum you are!

Roger: Why the hell would he look for me in a fighting tournament? That boy never was right...

Roger Wife: That has nothing to do with this! And don't you dare talk bad about that boy, he'll grow up to be a much finer man than you ever turned out to be! At least he's not a recovering alcoholic!

Roger: And here we go, back to this once again! I haven't had a beer in three years, damn it! Three (CENSORED)ing years! But you're just gonna keep milking that thing for all it's worth, aren't you?!

Roger Wife: Well maybe if you gave me something positive about yourself to talk about, like your friend Alex! At least he went on to make something of himself!

Roger: A gas station attendant? You call that making something of yourself? And don't call him my friend, that guy's an (CENSORED).

Roger Wife: He actually earns a paycheck so he can support his kids! You tell me who's the real (CENSORED)!

Judge: ...I have no idea what these two animals are saying. What the hell am I even doing? I have two kangaroos in court? This is stupid.

Kazuya: Well, he's still got more dignity than that judge from the Anna Nicole trial.

Judge: Like that's saying much.

Kazuya: ...did...did the tv just talk to me?

(doorbell rings)

Kazuya: Jun! Get the door!

(doorbell rings)

Kazuya: Jun, get off your ass and do something!

Jin: Mom went out to buy groceries!

Kazuya: Damn it! That woman's always got an excuse for something! Boy, get the door!

Jin: ... (opens the door)

Raven: Hi, we just moved in across the street.

Nina: This is a great neighborhood!

Jin: Welcome, I hope you like-

Kazuya: WHOA. UH UH. I ain't having any of THIS.

Raven: Excuse me?

Kazuya: I don't know what sort of freak show it's like where you people come from, but this is a respectable neighborhood, not the zoo!

Nina: WHAT?

Jin: Dad, maybe you should-

Kazuya: Maybe that's not an apt comparison, because at least the zookeepers would have enough decency to keep the blacks and white trash apart.

Nina: White trash? I'm Irish!

Jin: Hey Dad, I think-

Kazuya: Then drunkards. Because I understand your nation has a drinking problem.

Nina: Listen you ass-

Raven: Nina, let's just go. I guess this area's going to be a zoo, then. At least we'll be able to remember where the racist bigot exhibit is.

(Nina and Raven leave)

Kazuya: Jesus! Can you believe those people?

Jin: Yeah, some neighbors are pretty inconsiderate...

Kazuya: You got that right!

(Bruce comes in through the open door)

Kazuya: Oh, Irvin. Nice to see...uh...so what're you doing here?

Bruce: I take it you met the new neighbors?

Kazuya: Oh, is that it? Another colored fella moves in, and you're here to gloat?

Bruce: Hardly. A fine, upstanding black man, and he's hooking up with a white woman?

Kazuya: You mean...you got a problem with that too?

Bruce: You're damn right I do! What's wrong with a woman of his own race, not good enough for him?

Kazuya: Not at all, I think they're just right for him!

Bruce: What's happening to this world, Kazuya?

Kazuya: I don't know, Bruce. Times used to be good, but now we've got all these progressive types, marrying outside their race, and inside their own gender. Just look at... (points to Jin)
Jin: I'M NOT GAY!

(Miguel comes in through the still open door, since no one has bothered to close it, which is just wasting money being spent on heating)

Miguel: Good day, My name is Miguel Rojo, I've recently acquired a large share of the land here with my family's fortu-

Kazuya: WHOA. UH UH. Not gonna happen!

Miguel: What?

Kazuya: We're trying to build a wall so we can keep you people OUT! The last thing we need is a Mexican moving into the neighborhood!

Miguel: I'm from Spain!

Bruce: Mexico, Cuba, Spain, they're all the same! You people sneak across the border and steal our jobs in the Major Leagues! Those positions are meant for AMERICAN baseball players!

Miguel: WHAT?

Kazuya: You heard him! And George Lopez sucks!

Miguel: I already told you, I'm Spanish! Don't blame us for that guy, you're the ones who gave him a crappy show!

Bruce: Get out of here already, your kind's not welcome here!

Miguel: To hell with both of you! You're nothing but a couple of racists! (leaves)

Kazuya: There they go again, with the race card!

Bruce: Yeah, just because we called him out for what they've been doing, he has to get all defensive about it!

Kazuya: It makes you wonder, who are the real bigots?

Jin: ...I hate old people.

(END OF CHAPTER 27)

Make sure to look for all 43 intentional plotholes in this chapter, find them all and win a prize! Congratoralationz!

Just a piece of advice, if family or friends you haven't seen in a while are begging you to get a Myspace profile, DON'T. Even if one of them is your mother you haven't seen in several months who's trying to guilt you into doing it by claiming you don't love them if you don't do it. Just let them think you don't love them. Because if you're a sucker enough to waste your time doing it, you'll end up creating this steaming pile of crap, which you'll end up wasting more of your time customizing because part of the problem is your inability to realize you're a hack so you'll make what you think at the time is a really cool looking page even though no one will end up seeing it, and you'll have spent all this time making this garbage, when all the people who've been whining their way to getting what they want turn out to never even use the damn thing. Plus, the worst part of it all is the realization that you just wasted your time setting up a damn Myspace page. My god, Jim, what's happened to us?

And read Private Fury, I updated it with a new chapter, but no one noticed. Not even me.


Chapter 26
Chapter 28
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