Tekken Fan Fiction ❯ Private Fury ❯ Don't Read This One Either ( Chapter 16 )

[ T - Teen: Not suitable for readers under 13 ]
Lei: Just one second, Bryan.

Bryan: What now, did you forget to give me a leash?

Lei: I already allowed you to take care of this yourself, and you let me down, not that I expected otherwise, so I'll be accompanying you this time.

Bryan: Damn it, I don't need a babysitter! I can handle this on my own!

Lei: No, you can't. You've already proven that. Repeatedly.

Bryan: And I suppose you tagging along will help? The only screw-up around here is you!


Officer: Are you the negotiator?

Lei: Yes, Detective Wulong. What's the situation?

Officer: We've got a man on the 17th floor threatening to jump.

Lei: He's not jumping if I can help it. (to sniper) Take him down.


Lei: The fact that I've never had a man commit suicide on my watch isn't something to be ashamed of.

Bryan: Just stay the hell out of my way! I don't need you bitching at me every minute!

Lei: You don't even know the kind of high security the Mishima lab has, it could be dangerous.

(across the street, at the Mishima lab)

Bryan: You call this dangerous?

Lei: Did you see that car that drove by while we were crossing the street? That was reckless endangerment!

Bryan: That was an old woman driving 15 miles per hour.

Lei: .....she still should've used turn signals.

Bryan: .....

(Bryan tries to open the door)

Bryan: Shit! It's locked!

Nightmare: Maybe another soul's on the other side.

Bryan: So you're just gonna knock and ask if we can come inside?

Nightmare: Of course I shall not knock, you foul soul!

(Nightmare rings the doorbell)

(a hole in the door opens)

Gatekeeper: And who might you be?

Lei: We're looking for Boskonovitch.

Gatekeeper: The doctor is not here right now, go away! (goes back into hole)

Lei: ..... (knocks on the door)

Gatekeeper: (comes out of the hole) You again? Go away, he's not here!

Lei: Please, it's very important that we see him.

Gatekeeper: He isn't here, now go away! (goes back into hole)

Lei: Then...we came all this way for nothing.....

Bryan: Yeah....it looks that way...

Lei: Then it looks like we'll have to just let him get away again...

Bryan: I don't really care anyway...

Lei: And I'll never get the promotion I need to get out of this place...

Bryan: Hey, at least we'll get to keep working together, right?

(Lei thinks about it, then starts to cry)

Gatekeeper: Oh please, don't cry... (sobbing) I lied, he really is here... (opens the door)


Bryan: So where the hell are they?

Raven: Maybe we should split up.

Lei: Good idea. Bryan, you come with me.

Bryan: No way! I want to go with Wesl-

Raven: Don't even say it.

(in a dark corridor)

Raven: Where do all these doors lead? The guy could be behind any of them...

Nightmare: Fear not, ignorant soul, for the power of the Soul Calibur has given my soul heightened senses far greater than that of any inferior human soul!

(Nightmare stands in front of a door)

Nightmare: ........................................................................... ..................

Raven: ...is he in there?

(Nightmare stares hard at the door handle)

Nightmare: ........................................................................... ..................

Raven: Just open the damn door.

Nightmare: ..... (opens the door)

(Jeff Slater struts out)

Jeff Slater: Snipes? It is you! I used you watch your movies all the time!

Raven: I'm not-

Jeff Slater: I'm Jeff Slater. The current Vale Tudo champion. (tries to shake Raven's hand)

Raven: .....

Jeff Slater: Hey, has Blade forgotten how to fight? Come on, Snipes, bring it on. It'll be the biggest unofficial bout of the century, the badass reigning champ versus the guy from those movies with vampires and stuff.

Raven: Just leave me alone.

(Raven and Nightmare begin to walk away)

Jeff Slater: Hey, it's not over yet, Snipes, we haven't finished this just yet!

(Jeff Slater catches up with Raven)

Jeff Slater: What was that, we barely even got started and you're running away, huh?

Raven: I don't even know you, don't waste my time.

Jeff Slater: What's the matter? 'fraid to see 'Legendary Actor K.O.ed' in the headlines?

Raven: ...legendary actor? I'll admit he was good in Demolition Man, but I wouldn't exactly call him a legend.

Nightmare: Just ignore this foolish soul, we must depart so I can continue my quest for more souls!

Jeff Slater: Hey! I'm not through with you guys yet! Just you wait! I'm Jeff Slater! Current Vale Tudo champion! You can't...

(Raven and Nightmare have already left)

Jeff Slater: ....I....I just talk big because I get so LONELY...


Bryan: Hey, I think I hear something...

(Bryan opens a door, revealing Craig Marduk sitting in a sauna)

Craig: .....

Bryan: .....

Craig: You ever go in the shower?

(Bryan slowly closes the door)

Bryan: ...he's not in here.

Lei: Wait....I hear voices....

(Lei and Bryan follow the noise to a room. The room where they heard the voices)

Lei: It's Boskonovitch!

(Lei points at Boskonovitch)

Boskonovitch: They've found me!

Lei: Freeze!

(Lei pulls out gun)

Lei: You've evaded us long enough, old man, now it's time to come back to base!

Boskonovitch: You'll never take me back! Get them, my minions!

(a dozen Tekken Force soldiers wearing boxing gloves are dispersed)

(Bryan punches a soldier)


(Lei kicks a soldier)


(Bryan pulls out a machette)


(Lei fires his gun)


(in a matter of moments, the Tekken Force soldiers are defeated)

Bryan: (to himself) Someone really needs to do something about the dumbass in charge of sound...

Lei: I'm afraid your cronies aren't going to be enough, old man, I'd suggest you give yourself up quietly.

Boskonovitch: You meddling duo, you may have stopped my men, but you've far from foiled my plans!

Raven: Make that a quartet. Or quarto. Or something. Or whatever word means duo with four people in it.

(Raven and Nightmare enter)

Boskonovitch: You're one of them, aren't you?

Raven: No, I'm something else.

Bryan: Now that's definitely from Bl-

Raven: I was never in those damn movies!

Boskonovitch: Meh heh. Heh heh heh. Two, four, a thousand, it doesn't matter. Allow me, gentlemen, to introduce to you yet another brilliant creation of mine!

(Gon, who was supposed to have died a few chapters back but didn't due to lack of plot continuity, steps out from the shadows)

Boskonovitch: Yes, this is one of my greatest specimens, Gon, reborn from the DNA of....some dinosaur, I'm not really sure. But the incredible thing about this creature is it's unique ability to box! (points at the boxing gloves Gon's wearing)

(Boskonovitch orders Gon to attack the intruders)

(Gon approaches)

(Lei points at it and shouts something)

(Bryan looks at Lei strangely)

(Gon raises it's boxing gloves aggressively)

(Lei get into a defensive stance)

(Bryan is about to say something, but decides against it)

(Gon raises it's tail warningly)

(Boskonovitch jumps up and down excitedly)

Bryan: ....what the hell are you assholes doing?

(Bryan kills Gon)

Bryan: There, was that so hard?

Yoshimitsu: (sees Bryan) .....!

(Yoshimitsu is angry at Bryan for killing his Manji comrades after Boskonovitch repaired him)

Yoshimitsu: (raises sword menacingly)

Bryan: What the hell is this guy's problem?

Lei: I think he's angry at you for killing his Manji comrades after Bos-

Bryan: I read it, it just doesn't make any sense, that never even happened!

Lei: He must have the wrong person or something, I mean Boskonovitch never even repaired you...


Bryan: Ahhh, man, what the hell was... (sees that he's strapped down to a table) What the hell's going on?

Boskonovitch: Ahhh, you're finally awake. Do you know who-

Bryan: DAMN IT, LEI! I told you a couple chapters ago I didn't want any more flashbacks!

Lei: But it proves your innoc-

Bryan: I said, 'no more flashbacks'. Bitch.

(Raven stands in Yoshimitsu's way)

(Yoshimitsu waves sword around erratically in a threatening manner)

Raven: You're not immortal. I must have heard hundreds of you rodents make the same claim. Each one of them has tasted the end of my sword.

Bryan: Alright, I'm sure I heard that in Blade! I mean you don't even have a sword!

Raven: (realizes he doesn't have a sword)

(Steve enters)

Steve: What the hell's going on here?

Boskonovitch: My son, you must flee! They've come for me!

Steve: No, I can't let them take you, Father! I'll show them I'm not a world-champion boxer for nothing! (raises fists menacingly)

Bryan: ...alright, let's do this.

(Steve attacks with a quick jab)

(Bryan blocks, countering with a blow to the face)

Steve: Blimey! (falls to the ground)

Bryan: What the hell was that?

Steve: That's just the way I fight, I've been trained to go down after the first blow.

Bryan: .....

Lei: Step aside, Fox, this doesn't concern you.

(Lei aims gun at Boskonovitch)

Lei: Now just come with us without any further resistance, doctor.

(Lei's gun is shot out of his hand)

Lei: What? Who's there?

Nina: I can't let you do that!

Lei: Ms. Williams, I must ask you to not involve yourself in this affair!

Nina: I won't let you take my son's father from him!

Boskonovitch: .....

Bryan: Look, lady, I've been looking for this guy all day, so I don't need you wasting my time. If you need something old and wrinkled, I'm sure there's a nursing home nearby you might be interested in.

Nina: I don't care about him, you idiot, now get the hell out of my way before I make you a unic!

Bryan: Huh....now how did my old man handle women...?


Bryan: Hey old man, how do I handle women?

Bryan's Father: You see, boy, women are like, uh...Baseball season. You take it for granted when it's finally available, but when it's gone, you realize how lucky you really were, so it's something you have to learn to appreciate. That's why when you've, uh....you know, got tickets to the big game, so to speak, you should make use of them instead of scalping them. So, uh, it's like when one game's over, and seats for the next one are already selling out, you...

Bryan: ...hire a prostitute?

Bryan's Father: .......

(Bryan's Father looks at his son)

Bryan's Father: ...not what I was going for, but yeah, that's a good idea.


Bryan: ...so how's 20 dollars sound?

Nina: .....

(one Bad Habit later)

Bryan: (crumpled up on the ground) Oh, my groin!

Lei: ...Ms. Williams, I can understand your feelings on this matter, but father of your son or not, this man is a criminal.

Boskonovitch: .....

Nina: I don't care-

Boskonovitch: NO.

Nina: What?

Boskonovitch: You are not this boy's mother.

Nina: That's impossible! I remember everything!


Boskonovitch: Don't stop, oh god, don't stop...

Nina: You like that, don't you...

Boskonovitch: Ohhhh...that feels nice...

Nina: ...Oh yes, right there...

Boskonovitch: Now put these on...

Nina: .......boxing gloves?


Everyone else: ........................................................................... .

Boskonovitch: ...that never happened, I'm afraid.

Nina: Never happened?

Boskonovitch: The memories you recall have been planted.

Nina: So we never even...?

Boskonovitch: No.

Nina: .....OH, THANK GOD!

Boskonovitch: ......you don't have to get carried away...

Steve: Pop....what are you saying?

Boskonovitch: I'm sorry for the deception, my boy. But the truth is...Nina is not your mother...

Steve: She's not? But then...who?

Boskonovitch: I believe you've already met her...

(Alex steps foward)

Boskonovitch: Steve, this is your mother...Alexandra.

Steve: Mu......mum?

Alexandra: Roar.

Boskonovitch: It was many years ago. When I first realized the deep feelings I had developed for this beautiful angel, I was terrified of what others would think. So I hid the truth from everyone, and when I had a son, lied about the mother, claiming it was a test subject at the Mishima Laboratory. But I'm not ashamed anymore. I love you, Alexandra, and I want the world to know.

Alexandra: Roar.

(Boskonovitch and Alexandra dramatically run towards each other in slow motion)

Boskonovitch: Alexandra!

Alexandra: Roar.

Boskonovitch: Alexandraaaa!!!

Alexandra: ROAR.

(Boskonovitch and Alexandra run into each other's arms)

Boskonovitch: Alexandra...

Alexandra: Roar...

(Boskonovitch and Alexandra kiss)

Everyone: Ahhhhhh....

Nightmare: (sniff) This touches even my hardened soul...

Lei: Well, I guess we'll just leave these kids in love alone. Come on, everybody.

(on the way back)

Lei: You know, when you see something like that, it makes you realize what the important things in life are. It's not getting off duty, and it's not getting some silly promotion. You just can't go through life without appreciating the things you have.

Bryan: Yeah, you said it. I mean, I hate being around you and all, but if I can hang around the guy from Blad-

Raven: That's it, I've had enough of this Wesley Snipes shit! (changes into his second costume)

Random gamer who has no life: OH MY GOD, IT'S SHINOB- (is killed by Raven)

Nightmare: Oh Raven, you delightfully comical soul!

(everyone laughs)

(End of Chapter 16)

That wasn't originally how it was going to end, but I decided I just couldn't do that to Nina. I mean...getting it on with Boskonovitch...that's terrifying to think about. I actually feel guilty just about the flashback scene, even if it didn't happen.

I don't really remember how the Wizard of Oz went at that part with the gate, so it might be a little off. Not that I care.

I'm not afraid to say it. We need more Jeff Slater fics. And I'll be the one to start the trend if I have to. So look out for my next fic, it's going to be great, featuring the immensely popular Jeff Slater! It'll also have a cast of some of your favorite characters, like the reporter who's always interviewing Christie, that general chasing Hwoarang, that kid who's always watching Bruce train, Lee's secretary, that guy who hates Law's cooking, one of the pilots whose helicopters was destroyed by True Ogre, and Prototype Jack! Yeah, I know. I said some of your favorite characters, not all. Prototype Jack had a contract.

I can't believe you people. The funniest you ever find me is when I'm being serious. I told you my dreams, and you just laughed in my face. So I want to have my ashes in a coffee can. Are your funeral plans so great? What, you want to get buried in a graveyard? So you can be brought back from the dead? Fine. Just give my regards to Bruce Campbell.

Oh by the way, I think I forgot to mention this, but I started a Jeff Slater fanlisting! Make sure to email me if you want to join!

Craig Marduk has to be one of the most original 'big guys' in a fighting game, I mean just look closely. He has leg hair. A big, muscular, sweaty man. With hair on his body. That's something I've never seen before. In a fighting game, at least. Zangief has a little, but it kind of comes in patches. I don't know what exactly the trend is in fighting games with big guys who like to shave their legs, but I guess someone at Namco decided to be original when designing Craig. So I salute you, Mr. Marduk, for showing us all that a man can still be masculine without waxing.

Seriously, if Jeff Slater's not a playable character in Tekken 6, I'm writing a strongly worded letter to Namco.