Utena, Revolutionary Girl Fan Fiction ❯ This Will I Have Is Not My Own ❯ This Will I Have Is Not My Own ( Chapter 1 )

[ P - Pre-Teen ]

This is one of my recent works moved from fanfiction.net. It was published 5/20/05 and has 35 reviews on fanfiction.net.
A/N: I'm back! This time I have a brand new fanfic! This fanfic is the first Anthy-eccentric fanfic I've written. I hope it turns out good enough.
Please R&R!
Fanfic info.
Title: This Will I Have Is Not My Own
Type: One Shot
Author: Melissa Norvell
Rating: PG
Pairings: AnthyXUtena
Summary: Anthy is portrayed as an ageless, emotionless witch who manipulates people's souls to her brother's plans. But what does Anthy truly think of all of this? Is there a light in her darkness? SLIGHT SPOILERS. AnthyXUtena. Anthy P.O.V.
This Will I Have Is Not My Own
By: Oneesan no Miroku Houshi
Anthy P.O.V.
Witch. That is all they refer to me as. But I cannot help it. I cannot simply forget or rid myself of what I still feel for my brother, no matter what form he takes. I owe him that much.
He holds my will and my soul in his hands, manipulating me as he does the duelists to carry out his master plans. I almost feel sorry for them. Almost.
For years I have been used to as a pawn and/or accomplice in these games, but they used to be free shortly before they attended Ohtori.
I wonder what it feels like.
I don't remember how to be free, even if I were.
I am an object. A prize to be won and a key to reaching “something eternal”. That is all I am.
Tenjou Utena; the girl who aspires to be a prince is my current engaged. She who dresses like a guy. She who brings me both pleasure and pain at once.
Oh, Utena-sama…Do you believe in fairy tales?
You do, don't you?
Naieve girl with childish dreams, no girl can be a prince. A dress was meant for a princess, like the Rose Bride.
Don't you see? You were once a Rose Bride as well, under Dios' invested with his power in the form of a ring with a rose signet. You who are a constant reminder of him. You who risk so much to save me. You whose love is boundless for me. You even overshadowed your friend's jealousy of me.
Then again, even I know love is blind. You say you'll save me and set me free. I'd like to believe it. So many others had promised me the same in the past and were never able to achieve it. So many false promises that I had lost all belief.
There isn't much to believe in anymore. Sp pardon me if your words come off as false.
I grew emotionless to stop believing in false promises, to never fall in love or to learn to care about something as silly as nobility. How can you save me from something I've been doing to myself over the ages? How can you break me of this cage when I think that I myself is to far gone? When I will not free myself from it willingly? When it is I who takes pleasure and pain from my brother's company and his warm embraces and sexual interludes during the week?
I hide all of this knowledge from you and yet you are not angry with me for doing so. Perhaps deep down, I wished someone could break me from this fate. Often times, within the depths of my mind, I call out into the darkness, yet no one answers, as expected. My solitude is my only company.
But, things are so different with you here now…
Now, when I am alone and call into the darkness, you are there, calling back to me. How odd that I should grow fond of you, though I try to shut you out.
Why is it that I actually do wish to believe that you could free me? How can one person change what I've believed in for many years?
Help me break out of this will that is not my own.
Can you truly defy the boundaries and be the prince that girls should not be? No. I do not wish to believe it.
Yet, I can't help but do…
Beneath this façade of a smile is a silent call for help. Help me, because I cannot help myself in this type of situation, nor do I really want to. I am whatever you wish me to be. I tell you what you want to hear. I do what you wish. I am subordinate to your will.
I am the Rose Bride, for I have no emotions.
I have become this so much that I had forgotten myself. I had forgotten who I am.
You'll never hear these cries, for I hold false content on the outside, but you see right through it. I cannot escape my true feelings deep down with you. How can you see through blank eyes and a chaste smile?
Why is it you who knows my misery? Why must I hate you, yet love you at the same time?
Perhaps you can save this wrecked soul and make me see that I am not beyond help. You can heal. You can give this flightless bird new wings and teach it to fly into the azure skies.
Help me love a true prince. Be the kind prince that I had awaited so many years, help free me of this love for Akio.
You who loves me for who I am.
I wish to return the favor.
Guide me through the darkness for…
This Will I Have Is Not My Own
A/N: This wasn't very long, and probably not that good as well. This is the first UtenaXAnthy oriented thing that I have written, so please be kind. This is what I think that Anthy is like on the inside, the things that you don't get from watching the series. I've combined the victim-like Anthy from the manga and the with-like Anthy from the anime and given it a new little twist that I hope you've all enjoyed.
I'm going to work on my other fanfics, since it's been so long since I've written because my computer's been down. It sure feels good to be back! Sorry for the wait, there will be tons of updates!
Thanks for reading!
Please review!