Vampire Hunter D Fan Fiction ❯ D's Answering machine ❯ How'd they get his number? ( One-Shot )

*Beep* D isn't here now. This is his answering machine. Why am I talking in third person? I'm on vacation now. If you have a bounty, leave a message. If you're a bounty hunter, I don't want to team up. If you're a vampire, I'll hunt you down when I get back and kill you for trying to ruin my vacation. If you are a Mary Sue, hang up NOW! I mean it. Go away! Why am I talking so much? Just leave a message. *Beep*

*Beep* This is Leila. You take vacations? Wow, I'd never have guessed. You sure about that 'Not teaming up' thing? I got a great gig and I need another gunman. Swordsman. Whatever. A few too many vamps at one time. Oh, well, I'll go find someone else. *Beep*

*Beep* This is Benge. I found a Goo Goo Dolls CD in my pocket. Is it yours? *Beep*

*Beep* I AM NOT a Mary Sue! I have flaws. Really. I… uh, I'll get back to you on that, but I am not a Mary Sue! *Beep*

*Beep* What do you mean you're on vacation? YOU CAN'T BE ON VACATION! GET THE $##%@#%@ OVER HERE AND RESCUE ME! NOW! *Beep*

*Beep* This is Marsha Lee. I heard you have something to do with why my Castle is a mess, and my ex-husband and daughter are missing. Call me. *Beep*

*Beep* This is your father, D. Do you know how much trouble you are in? Where did I go wrong? I don't even get one simple letter from you in five hundred years! Your aunt is devastated, your uncle's terrified, and your grandparents think you're in a cult! You're not in cult, are you? If you need money--*Beep*

*Beep* Leila again. Uh, I'm kinda neck deep in vampires right now. If you could show up soon, preferably before the shit hits the fan, I'd appreciate it. *Beep*

*Beep* Bounty? Vampire? I must have the wrong number. I'm looking for a petshop. Sorry. *Beep*

*Beep* This is your father again. Please tell me this is just a phase. Hold on, I hear gunfire. I'll call back. *Beep*

*Beep* This is Anne Rice. Normally people just send me flames or post them on the web. You didn't have to kill ALL my vampires. They weren't THAT annoying! *Beep*

*Beep* D? Who's D? I'm looking for Anita. Is Anita there? If not, please contact me if you know her phone number *Beep*

*Beep* This is Leila. I don't need help with the vampires anymore. Turns out they're related to you. Hope you weren't too attached to Fred. Sorry. Can you come over here? Your aunt keeps pinching me, your dad keeps blabbering about cults and rock music, and I really need you to tell everybody I am not your girlfriend. Why the hell are there pink bunnies on the wallpaper of your room? Oh, and by the way, all your baby pictures are ugly. *Beep*

*Beep* I have a flaw! I found one! I'm a perfectionist and I had a horrible life! See, I'm not a Mary Sue! I'm not perfect! Now get over here and instantly fall in love with me. *Beep*

*Beep* This is Doris! I fall in love with you and you don't even have the heart to say goodbye? We could have talked things out! You bastard! I'll see you on Springer! *Beep*

*Beep* Hi. I'm not a Mary Sue, I'm just from another anime entirely. That's okay, right? *Beep*

*Beep* Fluffy's stuck in a tree again. None of us are as tall as you. If you get back and she's still up there, can you get her down? Thanks. Oh, and can you return that lawnmower you borrowed from me last spring? *Beep*

*Beep* This is Polk. Uh, it turns out the manufacturers are recalling a part I used on your horse. Let's just say you don't want to get it wet. And flames. Definitely keep it away from flames. *Beep*

*Beep* Benge again. Did you own this fluffy pink keychain? I asked everyone else, and they have no clue where it came from. *Beep*

*Beep* D, your girlfriend-what? Okay, Miss Leila found some magazines under your bed. I think we need to have a little talk. *Beep*

*Beep* This is the PETA. We aren't too happy about how you've been treating that horse of yours. *Beep*

*Beep* Do lawyers count as vampires? What about ex-wives? My number is 397-3470. I won't be able to pay you if they take all my money. *Beep*

*Beep* Benge again. The last thing no one claims is theirs, is this lacey underwear. Man, you're freaking me out. *Beep*

*Beep* D, this is your lawyer. I'm still having trouble trying to get a restraining order on those fic writers. Let's just say it's good thing you're on vacation. You might want to lay low for a while. Try practicing killing without so much damage to public property. *Beep*

*Beep* This is your hand, D. Look, I know I'm a parasite, but could you please get around to reattaching me? I've grown kind of attached to you over the years. Thanks, bye. *Beep*