Vampire Hunter D Fan Fiction ❯ Movie Mess-ups ❯ One-Shot

Backstage in the break room, Meier is having an intern snack. D walks in with soaking wet hair, wringing out his hat.

Meier: What happened to you?

D: I tripped and fell in the lake.

Leila walks in.

Leila: D, it's just like walking on tip-toe.

D: And running on tiptoe, and falling off the set on tip-toe…

Leila: Carmilla! Come here for a sec!

Carmilla walks in.

Carmilla: What? I don't have to show D how to keep his hat on again, do I?

Leila: No, it's the heels again.

Carmilla: Well I can't help you there (hoists up her huge skirt. She is wearing giant sneakers) They said they couldn't see my feet, so they didn't care what I wore under this.

Leila: What about Charlotte?

Meier: She's not even wearing shoes.

* * * * *

D: I have a question, sir.

Director: Yes?

D: How come I was wearing my sword the other way in the last movie?

Director: Did you ask Susan?

D: She didn't know.

D: How about that guy in props?

D: He asked me how I got the thing out of the scabbard.

Director: Well, how should I know? Besides, no one pays attention to those details anyway.

* * * * *

Funeral scene. Little girl (I named her Meg), runs up to D.

Meg: Hey Mister! I was wondering if-

Director: Cut! Meg, your lines are poking out of your hat.

Meg: They are not my lines! I'm thirteen years old; I did MacBeth in the school play! I can remember five lines of stupid script!

Director: Then what is that paper you have in your hat?

Meg: My algebra homework.

(Pause)

Director: Why did you bring your homework with you on stage?

Meg: Last time I left it in the break room, Mashira ate half of it.

* * * * *

Benge, Carmilla, D, and Meg are sitting in the breakroom at a table. Everyone is doing cats-cradle.

Meg: Okay, so you just twist this finger, and put this one through here, and you're done.

Carmilla: I got it.

D: I think I did it backwards.

D's Hand: Blech! Thtring!

Meg: Wrong finger, D. Got it yet, Benge?

Benge: No comment.

D: This is the seventh time.

Benge: Who knows cats-cradle these days?

Meg: Okay, one more time, from the top…

* * * * *

Leila wanders into D's trailer. D and Mashira are playing a video game.

Leila: Hey, D, can I borrow your hairbrush? Dog-boy there ate mine.

Mashira: I did not! Hey! How'd you do that?

Leila: Playing Darkstalkers? Donovan and John Tolbain….you boys are so predictable. Let me guess Meier always plays with Dimitri.

D: Actually, he likes that cat-chick. WHAT? How the hell did you beat me? Doris plays the Anita girl, though.

* * * * *

D rides up to the elder of the barbaroi and dismounts.

Old guy: Ah, you have dismounted, I see you have respect for your elders. You're quite a-

D: (Smacking horse) Stop eating that!

Old barbaroi laughs so hard, he falls off his unicycle as the horse destroys a prop rock and then goes for an extra's costume.

Old guy: You know, I'm REALLY starting to get sick of this thing.

* * * * *

At the funeral, talking to the little kid.

D: I appreciate the offer. She…uh, she…

Meg: Thought no one would mourn her death; I'm glad she was so wrong. How hard is it to remember that?

D: YOU want to be the star of this thing?

Meg: Hey, that'd be cool.

D: Shut up

.

* * * * *

D is sitting in the break room, waiting for the crew to set up the lake scene again, after the whole thing was screwed up when Caroline fell off the ruins, after he cut them with his sword.

Leila puts a CD in the stereo and turns it on.

Stereo: Bombs are flying, people are dying, children are crying, politicians are lying, too.

D: What the hell?

Stereo: Cancer is killing, Texaco's spilling. The whole world's gone to hell, but how are you?

D slaps himself in the forehead.

D: Dear god, no.

Stereo: I'm super! Thanks for asking!

Leila starts singing along, D just shakes his head.

Stereo: All things considered, I couldn't be better, I must say! I'm feeling super, nothing bugs me! Everything is super when-don't you think I look cute in this hat?

Leila taps D's hat and starts giggling uncontrollably.

D: I'm never telling you what movies I own again… When we're done, I'm going to kill you, VERY, VERY, VERY, slowly.

* * * * *

Susan, the makeup/costume person is staring at her schedule, sighing.

Susan: D's hair, D's eyelashes, D's shirt, D's boots, D's bracers. Leila's hair, Leila's contacts, Leila's eyelashes. Nolt's makeup, barbaroi makeup-seven wasted hours just to have him fall off the unicycle and ruin it.

Meier walks in.

Meier: Susan, WHY do I have to have these fingernails? Why purple? They keep breaking half the time I touch something. I can't open my own soda!

Susan: Use car keys.

Meier: What about this bow?

Susan: It's in the script.

Meier: I've read the script, nowhere does it say `BOW'.

Susan: I'm an expert on covering up black eyes with paint and powder, you know.

Meier gets the hint and leaves. Kyle shows up, scratches on his face, half his shirt ripped off, his arm covered in slobber, tooth marks, and more scratches.

Kyle: You got another shirt?

Susan: What happened to you?

Kyle: Fruit Loops decided she liked to play with my braid.

Susan: WHO is `Fruit Loops'?

Kyle: My cat. I didn't name her.

Susan: A CAT did this?

Kyle: No, she just shed all over me and batted at my hair for an hour. MASHIRA suddenly got the idea he doesn't take kindly to felines.

Susan: Look, go take a shower and get that slobber off of yourself, I'll see what I can do about a shirt.

Kyle: Thanks

Borgoff shows up.

Borgoff: Get attacked by a panda, Saotome-chan?

Kyle: YOU shut up.

Susan: You need something?

Borgoff: Yeah, him and the rest of the idiots who can't keep track of one stinking outfit for one stinking day. Nolt's ready. Seen Leila and Grove?

Susan: No.

The men leave.

Grove comes by, his hair is a mess.

Grove: It's not my fault, I swear.

Susan: (Exasperated) What happened? (Starts fixing his hair)

Grove: I sneezed. A lot. Is there a cat around here? I'm allergic.

Susan: No. Where are your scarves?

Grove: Mashira's wearing them.

Susan: WHO decided you two could just share scarves?

Rove: Your boss.

Susan: Right. Borgoff was looking for you, go get ready.

Carmilla comes in.

Grove: *Sniff* Thanks. (Leaves)

Carmilla: (Pointing to her chest) Susan, is-

Susan: YES.

Carmilla leaves as fast as she can in her long dress.

Susan: (Sitting down) For the love of-OOOOW!

Susan quickly stands up and picks a metal arrow off her seat.

Susan: I AM GOING TO-

D shows up.

D: Hey, Susan?

Two second later:

D runs out of the Makeup room, with a black eye and a broken nose, fleeing from a barrage of basically everything not bolted down. He manages to close the door.

D: *Whew*

Leila is standing outside the makeup room.

Leila: WHAT did you do?

D: I just wanted change for a dollar.

* * * * *

Funeral scene. Priest is talking. Little girl throws a flower on the coffin in the grave. She looks up, sees D. She starts running, trips on her own foot, trying to avoid all the other extras and the tombstone. She yelps and tumbles into the grave,

Pause, for two seconds.

D, no longer able to hold it back suddenly burst into laughter and holds his chest.

D laughs so hard he falls off the horse, which didn't actually do anything this time.

D: Hee hee hee ... Hey, heh, you okay kid? Hee hee hee.

* * * * *

It's late. Leila pulls her dinner out of the fridge and grabs her bag. D walks by, grabs his own stuff.

D: Thank you. I'm going home now to get two hours of sleep so I can show up tomorrow and you can laugh your damn head off another fifty-seven times.

Leila: I'm sorry. I can't help it. You were in the DIRT.

D: Speaking of which, I am never going to get clean, having been BURIED for hours. I could start a flower garden in my shoes alone.

Leila: Well, at least you can walk in them now.

D: YOU want to get an entire bag of potting soil out of long curly hair, just to have it friz up? Stop laughing! Not again. I'm leaving.

* * * * *

Director: Mashira, STOP DIGGING!

* * * * *

Break room. Leila is eating lunch. D walks in, a bandage on his left hand.

Leila: Did you hurt your hand?

D: (Grinning) In a matter of speaking.

* * * * *

Benge and Grove are sitting at a table in the breakroom. Benge hands Grove a piece of paper with a picture on it.

Grove: THAT'S a Tinkerbell? Why the hell would you call me that? I don't look anything like her!

Benge: Don't look at me, I didn't write this script.

Grove: Isn't she a bit underdressed for Disney? I thought American's didn't like nudity in kid's cartoons.

Benge: I heard Bugs Bunny doesn't wear pants.

Grove: Ugh. Americans are so weird.

* * * * *

Illusion kid runs off. Leila tries to go after her. D grabs her hand and pulls her back, but slips on the marble floor, and falls on his face.

D: Ouch.

Leila: Shoes again?

D: I finally get the hang of heels and then I find they have no traction.

Meg: My mommy doesn't let me wear heels.

D: You have a very smart mommy.

* * * * *

Carmilla is showing Charlotte and Meier around, leading them up the stairs. Meier steps on her (very) long skirt. Carmilla continues up the stairs, and falls, because her train is stuck under Meier's foot. As she falls over, her skirt moves; Meier falls over and lands on Charlotte.

Director: Okay, it's called BLOCKING people.

* * * * *

D walks past the makeup room, and hears voices. He stops.

Carmilla: (Behind the door) Hee hee!

Susan: Hold still.

Carmilla: I'm trying. You're tickling

Susan: Okay, Just a little more, I'm going to see if I can get these to look even, one more line.

Carmilla: Ah! Ha ha!

Susan: Carmilla!

Carmilla: I'm sorry, you poked me. Can you let me stop laughing before you try it again?

Susan: Okay, here, they need more tape. And a bit more rouge. There, the under side is done, let's try the top again.

Leila walks by, sees D staring confusedly at the door.

D: What's going on in there? Tape?

Leila: You mean you don't know how they stay up?

D: How what stay up?

Susan: Okay. Damn, they still don't look right. Here, push them together slightly and I'll get some more spirit gum.

D: If I said I was still confused-

Leila: Let me put it this way. Those tits you stab your sword through in the end of the movie are half paint and eyeliner.

Pause.

D: Uh, I need to, uh, bye.

D quickly leaves.

Leila: Good god.

The door to the makeup room opens, Carmilla comes out.

Carmilla: I'm ready. Where's D?

Leila: He suddenly turned into a fourteen year old after overhearing you giggling and wandered off. I'll go get him. You got enough spirit gum on those?

Carmilla: Yeah. My God, that was embarrassing when this fell off.

* * * * *

First fight scene, again. Everyone is yet again happily skewering and stabbing vampires. Leila blasts though a woman vampire, but the woman keeps coming.

Click.

Leila: Damnit!

Director: Cut! Don't tell me it's not loaded again.

Leila: No, it's jammed now.

Director: Let Mike take a look at it.

Leila: Okay, Hey Mike-

BLAM!

D: OW!

Leila: Oops. Well, we know it's not jammed anymore.

* * * * *

Carmilla: …You're doing very well indeed. (Disappears in a bunch of bats)

Bats flutter around. The problem is, they flutter the wrong way.

Later:

Carmilla: …You're doing very well indeed. (Disappears in a bunch of bats)

Bats flutter around, something lands on D's hat. Leila burst into laughter.

D: *Sigh*

Fearing the worst, D takes his hat off to see what happened.

D: Oh, ick.

Later:

D grabs Leila's hand, she slams into a pillar

D: It's just---Where the hell is the chandelier?

Mike (different one): Crud.

Lights flicker.

Later:

Leila and D are standing around in the castle. Borgoff suddenly grabs Leila.

Director: Cut!

D: We didn't do anything.

Director: There's a bat on the wall hanging. I thought we returned them all to the zoo.

* * * * *

Carmilla, covered in blood, crawls out of her coffin, heading straight for Charlotte. Meier appears, grabs Charlotte, swipes at Carmilla. He flies off, swipes at Carmilla again, bashes into a pillar, and falls to the ground.

Director: Sweet Jesus. Cut! You two okay?

Pause.

Meier: Ow.

Charlotte: I'm fine. He broke my fall.

Meier: Good for me. Sorry, I never flew backwards before.

Later:

Meier swipes at Carmilla a second time, he flies off, avoids the ceiling, but hits a mic hanging from it.

Meier: Yaah!

Meier catches Charlotte, only to get his foot caught in the wires on the mic and half the set comes crashing down.

Meier: Uh, can we do that again?

Later:

Meier grabs Charlotte, swipes at Carmilla, flies off. A bat flies by, Meier waves at it to go away, but just confuses it. He wobbles in the air, and tumbles to the floor.

Meier: You okay, honey?

Charlotte: I think my bra snapped off.

D's Hand: Whoohoo!

Later:

Meier grabs Charlotte. Swipes at Carmilla. His shoe falls off.

Meier: Oh, crud.

Later:

Meier flies off with Charlotte.

He flies high into the air, misses the ceiling, the mics, and vanishes into the darkness.

Director: Okay, good.

Meier: Darn.

Director: What?

Meier: My ribbon fell off. Anyone see where it went?

* * * * *

Charlotte is in a trance, following Meier up the stairs, surrounded by candles. He stops. She follows and stops. He slowly curls a hand around her.

Meier: (Notices her hair is on fire) Sweet Jesus! (Starts slapping at the fire.)

Charlotte: Ow, what are you, oh my god!

Meier: There, fixed that. Why are you laughing?

Charlotte: I didn't know my…hee hee, I didn't know my own hair was on fire.

* * * * *

Caroline jumps from one tree to another. She turns, and sees D swinging on a vine. Vine snaps. D falls to the ground.

Caroline: You okay?

D: I would be if a stupid horse hadn't been here first.

Later:

Caroline jumps into another tree. She turns, sees D swinging on a vine. She shoots thorns at him, he slices them, but the vine stops.

Director: What happened?

D: It stopped.

Director: Put more momentum into it.

D: Yeah, like I'm Tarzan.

D's Hand: AAAAAAaaaaaaAAAAAAAAaaaaa!

Later:

Caroline turns around. Sees D swinging on a vine. She shoots thorns. He slices them. Still swinging he slices her head off in an SFX way.

D: Aah! How do you sto-

*Crash*

Director: Close enough.

* * * * *

Leila is on her motorcycle. She pulls out her bazooka. It telescopes out.

Leila: Whoops.

Leila turns it around.

Director: Stop! Cut!

* * * * *

Borgoff: Trust me, they always go to barbaroi-

Lights flicker, then die. Everything's dark.

Nolt: Crap. Hey, Grove, do that glowy thing of yours.

Grove: I AM NOT A LIGHTSWITCH!

* * * * *

D rides up to the doors of the barbaroi. Gears turn, chains move, the doors slide open. Then stop.

D: PROPS!

Later:

Doors slide open. Then stop.

D: The hell with it! (Kicks the door)

Doors start opening again.

* * * * *

D wanders into the break room, pissed and tired. His hair is frizzy and flying everywhere. Meier and Leila, already in the room turn and notice. Meier tries to stifle laughs.

Leila: What happened to you?

D: Who decided to do this in California?

Meier: Why?

D: A blackout destroyed Susan's only hairdryer

* * * * *

Mashira walks in, carrying a car fender.

Charlotte: Does this have anything to do with why you're late?

Mashira: Parking trouble.

Charlotte: WHOSE parking trouble?

Mashira: I'm a werewolf. I chase cars. That and the bus was late. Do you know who has X39M4 on their license plate?

Charlotte: No…

Mashira: Good.

* * * * *

Carmilla, covered in blood, crawls out of the coffin and over to Charlotte. Reaching Charlotte, still on the floor, she stops.

Director: Cut! Where the hell is Meier?

Pause

Director: MEIER!

Meier: (offstage) WHERE IS THAT #$&^ HAIR BOW?

* * * * *

Stable Scene. D makes a clicking sound for the horse to go. Horse runs off, everyone makes room for it, but the horse decides to plow through the crowd anyway, knocking the sheriff over. Horse stops in the doorway.

D: Can I just walk?

* * * * *

Leila wakes up, her shirt is unzipped and there are bandages on her chest. She checks her neck for bites.

Leila: Hey, what'd you do to me?

Director: Cut! Leila, one of your eyes is blue!

Leila: Shit.

D: Uhm.

Leila: Don't move. I lost a contact lens.

D: Aren't your eyes SUPPOSED to be blue?

Leila: Blue screen, idiot. I have to wear brown lenses, otherwise you can see the background in my eyes. They dub in the color later.

D: Here let me.

*Crunch!*

D: Uhm, found it.

Leila: Thanks.

* * * * *

Borgoff crawls out of the water and onto a rock.

Director: Cut! Where's your headband?

Borgoff puts a hand to his head, slips, and falls in the water.

Director: Never mind.

Later:

Borgoff crawls out of the water, onto a rock, slips, and tumbles back into the water. The water muffles his swearing.

Later:

Borgoff crawls onto a rock and out of the water. His headband falls into his face.

Borgoff: Do we really need these three seconds of film?

Later:

Borgoff pokes his head out of the water. He puts one hand on the rock, then stops.

Borgoff: Ow! Goddamn fish! Get back here with my wristwatch!

Later:

For a long time nothing happens. Borgoff stands up in the water, nowhere near the rock.

Borgoff: I know that crossbow's here somewhere!

Borgoff goes back underwater.

Later:

Borgoff pokes his head out of the water, an old, dirty T-shirt on it. He tosses three soda cans and the shirt on the shore.

Borgoff: Jesus! This things filthy. Let's try this again.

Later:

Borgoff crawls out of the water, onto the rock.

Director: There! That's it. Thank you.

Borgoff crawls out, minus one boot.

Borgoff: Oh, for crying out loud!

Borgoff pulls his boot out of the water, starts putting it on.

Borgoff: OW!

Borgoff turns his boot upside down. Out spills a ton of water, some weeds, and a crayfish.

Borgoff: That's it, I'm eating this thing for dinner tonight.

* * * * *

Borgoff: (driving the tank) Nolt, STOP saying `Resistance if futile!'

* * * * *

Last fight scene.

Meier: Why… did you miss... my heart?

D catches the ring on his sword.

D: She's dead. The ring it all I need.-And now I dropped it. Meier did you see where it went?

Later:

D catches the ring on his sword, except the ring keeps rolling, tumbles onto the ground and is lost for another hour.

D: Crud.

Later:

D takes his sword out of Meier and prepares to catch ring. Ring hits Meier in the head.

Meier: Ow!

Later:

D catches the ring on his sword.

D: She's dead. The ring is all I need.

Director: Cut! Meier, there's a bat in your hair, don't-

Meier: AAAAAAH! (Waves hands at his hair, bat flies off, Meier freaks out so much he falls over)

D backs up to avoid being fallen on, the ring falls off his sword.

Director: --move.

Meier: Found the ring. And a quarter. And some keys. Anyone lose some keys? Wait, these are mine.