Weiss Kreuz Fan Fiction ❯ The Truth About Kritiker ❯ The Truth About Kritiker ( One-Shot )

The Truth About Kritiker...

(Or when Manx and Birman take matters into their own hands)

Author's Notes: Another attempt at humor here...kinda stupid humor. I'm so much better at writing angst. Ever wonder exactly why Weiß doesn't live in the flowershop in the OVA? well, besides the fact that they got 'new' lives and all that... I got the idea of this from one of my rp groups that I'm in. Yeah, scary. ^^;;; Oh, and sorry about this being in script form...I know some readers hate that.

Disclaimer: These bishounen do not belong to me. *sobs* They belong to Takehito Koyasu *swoons* and Project Weiss and whoever owns them that I didn't list here. Speaking of which, I'm sure someone has written something similar to this (like someone hasn't conceived this idea). I don't plagiarize fics. I didn't copy this from someone else's work, so if it looks similar, don't email me with a 'You %#^%$&%*-ing copycat' message or something.

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*at Kritiker's hideout. Birman enters an office*

Birman: They still aren't screwing each other. *tosses a folder onto the desk*

Manx: Still? They all live in the same building, their rooms are close by...and nothing's happened?

Birman: The Kritiker spies say they haven't seen anything. [all those schoolgirls are actually Kritiker spies, bwahaha]

Manx: Hmm...this definitely poses a problem for us and the rest of all those yaoi fangirls out there.

Birman: We should close off the floor that Youji and Omi's rooms are on. That way those two would have to move into Aya and Ken's rooms.

Manx: *tapping her chin* Yeah...but do you think Abyssinian would actually buy that excuse?

Birman: That boy...do you know how many times I've wanted to put Viagra in his coffee?

Manx: I did that. But Youji ended up drinking Aya's coffee.

Birman: Oh my.

Manx: *nods* I barely got out of there alive. A Youji without Viagra in his system is bad enough. *shivers*

Birman: So about the problem at hand...

Manx: Maybe we could move them into a smaller flowershop?

Birman: With only a one-bedroom studio upstairs.

Manx: A motor home would be nice for them.

Birman: But they don't need another vehi---oh.

Manx: XD

Birman: XD

*at the flowershop the next day*

Manx: So you see, assassins shouldn't stay in one place for very long.

Aya: True. But where can we get a place and still keep under cover?

Youji: I hope I get my own bathroom this time! Sharing with the rest of these fashion-challenged guys is bad enough. I need at least an hour to myself in there.

Ken: Baka. What do you expect me to do, use a tree?

Youji: Use the bathroom before I get up. Surely you piss sometime before noon?

Omi: *turns to Manx* And I'll need more space for my computer too.

Manx: Rest assured, we made the best arrangements we could.

Birman: *nods* For the good of Kritiker.

Manx: Allow us to show you your new home.

*they all walk outside to the 'new' flowershop*

Manx + Birman: The Weiß-mobile!

Aya: -_-

Ken: O.O

Youji: o.O

Omi: ^^;

Manx: Well?

Omi: Manx-san, tell me we're not all gonna live in there?

Manx: Just you four boys.

Aya: ... ... ...!!

Birman: The front will be where you eat, sleep, etc...while the back will serve as a mobile Koneko no Sumu Ie.

Ken: Are you crazy?! Flowershop and residence??

Youji: There can't be more than one bedroom in there...

Manx: *pulls out a clipboard and looks at it* It's all one room, actually. The only separating section is the flowershop.

Aya: Anoooo...

Youji: I call the bed. That's all I say. I need my proper beauty sleep.

Aya: MY BED!

Manx: Why don't you two share?

*Aya and Youji look at each other*

Youji: Yeah, Aya, why don't we share? *winks*

Aya: No.

Ken: Do you want to share the couch with me and Omi then?

Omi: Ken-kun, when did I ever say--

Ken: Well, we do need a place to sleep, unless you'd rather be on the floor, ne?

Omi: Iie... *blushes*

Aya: I'll sleep on the floor.

Birman: Damn!

*Aya looks at Birman quizzically*

Birman: Er--Damn, look at the time. Well, we've got to be going.

Manx: You boys get packing! You start sleeping in the Weiß-mobile tonight!

Weiß: ...

*First night in the Weiß-mobile*

Youji: Really, Aya, you can share the bed with me.

Aya: *unrolling sleeping bag, nearby the bed* No.

Youji: I won't rape you in your sleep, honest.

Aya: *shudders*

Omi: *unfolding blanket and placing it on the couch* Ken-kun, are you sure about this?

Ken: Yes. And put that blanket away. We'll be sharing one. *grabs out his blanket with soccer ball pictures all over it*

Youji: *laying in the bed, grinning at Aya* The floor is stiff, Aya. Very, stiff. More stiff than when your --ah, well the floor is just stiff.

Aya: *rolled over on his side, facing the wall* Go to sleep Youji.

*Omi and Ken are situated on the couch*

Omi: Ken-kun! *blush*

Ken: Oh! Sorry Omi, my hand slipped.

Omi: No...it's ok. You can put your hand there if you want. It just surprised me, that's all.

Youji: Do you want some company, Aya? I could sleep on the floor with you.

Aya: ... *pretending he's asleep*

Youji: Of course, we'd have to share the sleeping bag.

Aya: *visibly shudders*

Youji: Aha, knew you weren't asleep.

Ken: Omi, could you shift your position a bit. It's kinda uncomfortable.

Omi: *shifts his position, pressing closer to Ken* Ken-kun...

Ken: Yeah?

Omi: What's that hardness pressing against me?

Ken: Ah! It's...er...nothing!

Omi: It feels large...

Ken: *blushes*

*Aya gets up and heads towards the fridge*

Youji: Manx says there's a bottle of juice in there just for you.

Aya: *opens fridge* Oh? *pulls out juice and examines it*

Youji: Yeah, a home-warming gift for you, she said. She didn't give me anything *pouts* I don't know why she specifically told me not to drink it though...

Aya: *stops mid-gulp, the juice is half gone* Huh?

Youji: Nothing.

Aya: *puts the juice back in the fridge and then heads to the bathroom*

Ken: Kinda thirsty... *goes to the fridge* Ooh! Juice!

Youji: Don't! That's Aya's!

Ken: Oops... *puts the empty juice bottle back in the fridge*

Omi: Aya-kun's gonna be mad.

Ken: Don't worry. *crawls back on the couch* Omi, did I ever tell you, you were cute?

Omi: Um...no.

*Aya gets out of the bathroom and goes to his sleeping bag, he pauses, then looks at Youji*

Youji: What?

Aya: You're sure you won't mind us sharing a bed?

Youji: Course not. *scoots over and Aya climbs in the bed*

Aya: Yeah, it is more comfortable here.

Youji: Told ya. *yawns and closes his eyes*

*all is quiet in the Weiß-mobile, except for Omi's giggling every few moments*

Omi: Ken-kun, that tickles.

Ken: You want me to stop?

Omi: No, it also feels kinda good.

Ken: Know what else would be good?

Omi: Hm?

Ken: *starts gently kissing Omi's neck and shoulders*

Omi: Ah, Ken-kun, that does feel good.

Aya: ... ... ...

Youji: *rolls over in his sleep, his hand landing on Aya's groin*

Aya: o.o Anoooo...Youji...

*Youji's hand starts massaging Aya*

Aya: Ack, stop. *gasps for breath* Ah, no, just keep doing that...

Youji: *opens his eyes* Feels good?

Aya: Ah! I thought you were asleep!

Youji: *scoffs* How can I fall asleep with this beautiful man next to me?

Aya: ...

*Youji moves his hand from Aya's groin to place it on Aya's cheek. He leans in and kisses his lips*

Omi: Ah! Ken-kun, that feels really good!

Ken: Yeah?

Omi: Just...don't stop!

Youji: Damn, Aya, I never knew you were such a good kisser.

Aya: Mm...wanna know what else I'm good at?

Youji: Ok!

*Kritiker hideout, next day. Birman walks into an office*

Manx: Well?

Birman: Your plan worked.

Manx: Which one?

Birman: Both. The mobile home and the juice for Aya.

Manx: Ooh. Which pairing?

Birman: Our spies said that it started out as KenxOmi and AyaxYouji, then they kinda switched around and it eventually became a mass orgy.

Manx: Hehehehe.

Birman: Yaoi fangirls around the world are especially estatic.

Manx: And the video cameras?

Birman: What video cameras?

Manx: *eyebrow twitches* The video cameras that Schwarz payed a lot of money to be set up just for tonight. *pauses* No wonder that Oracle guy payed so well. He's pre-cognitive, right? He probably foresaw the mass orgy.

Birman: Um...no cameras were set up or turned on...

Manx: WHAT? Eep...Schwarz is not gonna be happy...

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Owa ri! ^_^ well, unless you want to scroll down and read the little Omake I wrote as sort of an afterthought to this fic.

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Pyrochan's Omake -er- Behind the scenes?

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*the previous night, near the Weiß-mobile*

Schu: *talking telepathically* Psst, Nagi! Brad wants to know if you've set up and turned the video cameras on.

Nagi: *grumbling* Almost.

*Schuldig, Brad, and Farfarello are hiding in the bushes nearby. Schuldig is watching Nagi work. Brad is seated on an over-stuffed satin pillow on the ground, with Farfarello next to him shining a flashlight on the calculator that Brad is doing various calculations on*

Schu: Nagi says he's almost done.

Brad: *nods, typing in some more numbers* Damn, I should've foreseen those Kritiker idiots wouldn't get it right.

Farf: Idiots. *giggles*

*Nagi comes back from setting up the cameras*

Nagi: Everything is set.

Brad: *nods again* Good. Farfarello, if you shine that flashlight in my eyes again, I'll start singing gospel songs.

Farf: *slightly cringes* But I love it when your glasses get shiny. You look so evil.

Schu: I think it makes him look sexy. Oh, but Brad's always sexy

Brad: *is not amused, and ignores Schuldig* Ok,. According to my calculations, we'll have to sell copies of this video to make up for lost money and make profit for ourselves.

Schu: You needed a calculator to figure that out?

Brad: *refrains from hitting Schuldig, staying very calm* No, I just wanted to see how much profit we would make. *sighs* I love money.

Schu: More than me?

Brad: *thinks* Yes.

Schu: Oh that's it. No sex tonight.

Farf: Hehe, you told him, Schu.

Brad: *ignores* I foresee sales will be good, so our wasted money to those incompetent Kritiker agents won't matter.

Schu: Why don't we just steal the money back?

Brad: It doesn't matter. Do you know how many yaoi fangirls there are out there to manipulate? Even yaoi fanboys too.

Schu: Like you?

Brad: You are too. Anyway, we have a monopoly here. We can sell these videos at unreasonable prices and use that money to build our empire and rule the world! *refrains from doing a very un-Brad like evil cackle*

Schu: Whatever you say Brad.